06x23 - Where Is My Wandering Mother Tonight?

[bunniefuu]

[announcer] Here's Lucy.

Starring Lucille Ball.

Costarring Gale Gordon

and Lucie Arnaz.

- Good morning.
- Ah!

Lucy, Lucille, what
are you doing?

Oh, I was twisting my beads.

I almost choked myself.

Huh.

Well, beads, you had
your chance and you blew it.

Oh, Harry.

That's not nice.

All right. All right, Lucille.

What's the matter?

Well, Kim lives only
about 5 miles away

and she hasn't
called me in ages.

- Well, she's busy.
- Oh.

She's working.

She's going to school
two nights a week

and she's doing that play
with that little theater group.

Yeah. Well, what
play are they doing,

"I Don't Remember Mama"?

Lucille, you're making a
big thing out of nothing.

I am not because you
wouldn't understand.

You... you never married.
You never had any children.

Well, when I saw how most of
my friends' marriages were going,

I took the veil.

Well, I just might as well
face it, very clear to me

that my family just doesn't
care anything about me anymore.

- Now, that is not true.
- It is so.

I care about you.

Waahhh!

Lucille, couldn't you happy up
a bit and get a little work done?

All right, I'll try.

Good girl. That's the spirit.

Here now, you keep busy,

it will take your mind
off your troubles.

Now, come on, how
about a little smile.

Is that your idea of a smile?

No wonder your kids
don't come to see you.

Waahhh!

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm so...

Look, you're beginning to
make me feel depressed.

Oh... Lucille,
Lucille, Lucille...

Why don't you go and get
Mary Jane and have some coffee

and pull yourself together.

I don't feel like having coffee.

Go and get some coffee!

Go, go, go.

Waahhh...

Hello?

Hello Kim, dear, this
is your Uncle Harry.

Hi, Uncle Harry.

How are you, dear? Look,
I have a terrible problem.

What's mom done now?

Well... well, she's terribly upset
because you haven't called her.

Oh, dear.

Oh, I've been meaning
to, Uncle Harry.

It's just that I've
been so busy.

Look, I'll call her right away.

Yeah. Hey, I've got an idea.

I'll invite her to come and
spend the weekend with me.

Do you know what you're saying?

Don't worry.

We get along fine now since
I moved away from home.

Now, look, she's out having
coffee right now so you,

you call back in a few minutes.

Tell her that you are
very sorry you haven't...

Hello... hello, Lucille?

Goodbye, Mr. Jones.

Mary Jane had already
gone for coffee without me.

Oh... well, why... why don't you
try losing yourself in your work,

if you remember how it goes?

Oh...

Hello?

Hi mom.

Who is this?

It's Kim.

Kim who?

Kim, your daughter,

remember me from the
hospital, 7 pounds 6 ounces?

I hadn't heard your voice for
so long I didn't recognize you.

I'm sorry, Mom.

I've really been
very busy lately.

But listen, how would you like to
come spend the weekend with me?

Operator, I think we
have a bad connection.

Come on, Mother. How about it?

Well, I don't know. No...
I don't think I can do that.

- Well, of course, you can.
- No, I can't.

Well, all right, if you
really don't want to...

I'll be there Friday
at 6:00. Bye.

- Harry?
- Hmm?

That was Kim.

Well, how nice.

She wants me to come and
spend the weekend with her.

Uh, you see.

She hasn't forgotten you at all.

Of course, she hasn't.
Whoever said she had?

Come on in, door is open.

Hi.

Hi.

Be with you as soon as I
finished my yoga exercises.

I still have a few minutes
left in the Lotus Position.

Oh...

Hey, that looks fascinating.

What does that do
for you, anyway?

Oh, yoga relieves
anxiety, insomnia, fatigue,

and it tones your muscles and
helps keep off excess weight.

No kidding?

Sounds like it does
everything but pierce your ears

and increase your gas mileage.

Oh-ha-ha! Not quite, Mom.

Here, I'll put these things in
the dressing room for you, OK?

Oh, now, now, look.

Let's get something straight
before the weekend starts.

You are a big girl.

You're living your own life.

And from this moment on,
I am no longer your mother.

OK, dad.

No, no. I'm serious.

I mean I don't want you to
think of me as your mother.

Treat me like a roommate.

Well, does that mean that you're
not going to tell me what to do

or wait up for me
when I go out on a date?

Yell at me if I come in late?

I never did things like that.

And anyway, I'm not
going to do them anymore.

Well, OK, that's
just fine with me.

Oh, by the way, Kim, you really
shouldn't leave your door unlocked.

It's not safe.

Yes, Mother.

Now, that has
nothing to do with it.

Too attractive
single girls like us

shouldn't take
chances, that's all.

Right.

Listen, Cindy is
going to come over

and I thought we
could all go out

and get a hamburger and see
a movie, if that's OK with you?

Sounds great.

Good. I'll go change.

OK.

Mother, will you
get that, please?

OK, honey.

Mother, the bell.

Yeah, I know. I'm getting it.

What are you doing?

I, uh, I'm trying
to get the bell.

What bell?

Oh, wait a second.

Oh...

That's great. Hi
Cindy, come on in.

Hi. Where were you?

I was in the dressing room.

I went in the dressing
room for a minute

and mother out Lotus'ed herself.

Hello, Mrs. Carter.

Hi, Cindy.

I didn't know you
were into yoga.

Yeah, I just went into it.
Now, I hope I can get out of it.

Let's just see if we can
pry your legs undone, Mom.

- Yeah, ahh... Oh, my sorry.

Oh... oh... oh,
don't... Pick me up.

- Pick you up?
- Yeah.

- All right.
- Maybe they'll drop.

Now, what do we do with her?

Oh, we could always
make a lamp out of her.

All right, all right.
Put me down.

- All right.
- Over here.

- OK.
- Hurry up.

- Oh...
- There..

Oh my heavens.

How do you ever... uh!

My gosh, Mother.

Here, stand me up.

OK.

There.

Are you alright?

Huh... oh, good they still work.

Honestly. Well...

Hey, what movie
are we going to see?

The Great Struggle.

Appropriate, isn't it?

Wait a minute.

Doesn't that have an R rating?

I think so, why?

Well, we certainly don't want to
see one of those racy pictures.

It has lots of
social significance.

Oh, sure, sure. I read
about The Great Struggle.

From what I heard, the
women didn't struggle enough.

You're acting like a mother.

No, I'm not.

I'm acting like a
discriminating roommate.

Mrs. Carter, what
would you like to see?

Well, something that
will take our minds off

the troubles of the world
like... like Robin hood.

I'll be right in a minute.

Kim?

I know what you're thinking.

But look, we'll go see The
Great Struggle another time,

OK?

Oh, well.

What's one evening
out of a lifetime?

- I guess it won't k*ll us.
- Right.

But Robin hood?

Well, honey, how
was the beef stew?

I made it the way
you always like it.

It was delicious, Mom.

Tomorrow night I'm
going to fix your favorite,

pot roast and potato pancakes.

Oh, Mom.

Listen, tomorrow
night, I invited Brian over

for a romantic
candlelight dinner.

Oh, well, that's different.

I'm glad you understand.

Of course.

We better have something
fancy like a veal piccata.

Uh... Mom, I... I sort of
thought I would do the cooking,

you know, showing what
a good homemaker I am.

Oh, good idea.

You cook the dinner and
while you're in the kitchen,

Brian and I will sit
over there on the divan

and sort of get to
know each other, huh?

Swell.

Now, what do we do?

Play gin rummy or
backgammon or what?

No, I still have some
studying let to do, mom.

Oh, of course. Go right ahead.

What are you going to do?

Oh, don't worry about me.
Just pretend I'm not here.

OK.

Love this chair.

Just love it.

The chair has a sense of humor.

h*-h*-h*... mustn't
ruin your eyes.

- You should always have the light...
- Light coming from the left.

Remember?

- There you are.
- Thank you.

Oh, poor little
dying dead thing.

Ba, ba, ba, ba, ba.

Gurgle, gurgle, gurgle, gurgle.

Oh, good heavens.
Excuse me, darling.

But my word.

It does collect, doesn't it?

Here we are.

Go right ahead, honey.
Don't let me bother you.

There we are.

Mother!

Sorry.

That's all right.

I had no idea that
thing exploded like that.

Yeah. It's all
right. It's all right.

Look, Mom, why don't you
just watch some television.

Oh no, honey. I don't
want to bother you.

Mother, look, you
won't bother me.

Just sit right here

and I'll pull the television
over right close like this

and you can put the earphone in.

- Earphone?
- Yeah.

- Oh, how wonderful.
- Good.

You know, there's a real
spooky show I want to see tonight.

It's called the Beast
Who Ate Boston.

Great.

Oh, there he is.

Yuck.

Watch out!

He's right behind you.

Ah!

Get your claws off Bunker Hill.

Oh boy.

That commercial
came just in time.

Boy, I wanted...

Cindy, how would you
like to go to the library?

I was going to study at home,

but who can study with her here?

She's driving me batty.

She can't hear me. She's
listening to the television.

By the way,

I won't need to use your sexy
new blouse tomorrow night.

I'm going to have to call
off the dinner with Brian.

My roomie didn't get the hint.
She wants to make it a threesome.

Yeah, look, I'll pick you
up in 10 minutes, OK?

Bye.

Mom?

- Mom?
- What?

I'm going to go to the
library with Cindy, OK?

OK, dear.

- Oh, um... Kim?
- What?

Before you go, I just
remembered something.

I have a date tomorrow night.

Could you possibly
entertain Brian without me?

Well, it will be
difficult, but I'll try.

Well, I'm awfully sorry.

That's all right, Mom.

Who do you have a date with?

What?

Who is your date?

Oh, um... it's a blind date.

A friend of Mary
Jane's boyfriend.

Oh really? What's his name?

Uh... uh, Jerry.

Jerry what?

I really forgot.

Mother, I don't know
if I like the idea of you

going out on a blind date.

I mean, they don't always
turn out too well, you know?

Oh, honey, now,
don't worry about me.

After all, he is a
friend of Mary Jane's.

I'll... I'll be fine.

Well, I hope so.

- I'll see you later.
- Yeah, OK.

- Bye.
- Bye.

Hello?

Harry, this is Lucy.
Did I wake you up?

For once in your life, no.

I'm, uh... I'm in bed,

but I haven't been
able to fall asleep

because I saw
something on television

that scared the life out of me.

Oh, did you see the
Beast Who Ate Boston?

No, the news from Washington.

Oh, look, Harry, I called to
see if you'd like to go to dinner

and the movies with
me tomorrow night.

I'm sorry. I'm
already spoken for.

OK, well, I just
have to go by myself.

Why don't you stay home
and read a good book?

Something with large print
and plenty of pictures, of course.

I can't stay home, Harry.

Kim is having her
boyfriend over for dinner

and I'll just be in the way.

Oh, yeah. That is a problem.

Well, I have to
pretend I have a date

and I'll go to Dirty Jack's
Paradise and k*ll time.

Dirty Jack's Paradise?

Yeah, it's a little bar
down at the corner.

And listen, Harry, in
case you talk to Kim,

don't you give me away.

Give you away.

What a lovely thought.

Oh, Harry, goodbye.

Incidentally, that's a
really great viognier.

In fact, it's been a
really great evening.

I enjoyed it, too, Brian.

Kim, could I ask you something?

Hmm?

If you've enjoyed
the evening so much,

why do you keep
looking at your watch?

Oh, Brian, I'm sorry.

It's just that I'm very
worried about Mother.

Your mother?

She's out on a blind date with
a man she knows nothing about.

She didn't even
know his last name.

Look, she's a big girl. She
can take care of herself.

Well, maybe so, but it's


She could call me and
tell me where she is.

Who does she think she is? Me?

Maybe, they had car trouble.

Ha!

I hope she doesn't think
I'll fall for that old routine.

Kim, why don't you
forget about your mother

and concentrate on me?

I guess I have been
acting a little silly, huh?

You know what I think?

What?

I think you're pretty special.

You know what I think?

What?

I think I'd better
call my Uncle Harry.

Sorry.

Hello?

- Uncle Harry, it's me, Kim.
- Yeah?

Oh, I'm sorry if I woke you up.

You can't help it,
dear. It's in the blood.

Uncle Harry, listen.

Mother went out
early this evening

and she hasn't come back.

Some people have all the luck.

Could you be
serious, Uncle Harry?

She's out with a strange man.

It's 1 o'clock in the morning
and I'm very worried.

You don't have to worry, dear.

I happen to know
that your mother is...

My mother is what?

Uh... uh...

Your mother is perfectly
able to take care of herself.

Well, I hope you are right.

Trust me. Trust me.

Goodbye dear, goodbye.

Why?

Why do I have to be my
brother's wife's keeper?

There you are.

Oh, sir?

Yeah, kid, what do you want?

May I have another
cup of coffee, please?

What another one?

Well, now, don't worry
about it keeping me awake.

It doesn't bother me.

Well, it bothers me, lady.

I don't have any profit at
a coffee like I do a booze.

Well, I was going
to order a drink,

but I don't have
my ID card with me.

Ha, ha, ha.

Well, if you don't want to
drink, kid, how about dancing?

No, thank you. I do not
dance with strangers.

Strangers?

After three hours and
seven cups of coffee,

I'm hardly a stranger.

Oh, there you are, Lucille.

Harry, what's the matter?

Well, Kim just called me.

She's worried sick because
you're not home by now.

Oh, isn't that sweet?
She's really worried.

Oh, it's peachy, darling, yeah.

- Come on, come on. Let's get home...
- Hey, hey, hey...

You want to order a drink

or you're another coffee freak?

Just give me the check, please.

Alrighty.

Thank you.

Seven cups of coffee? $8?

Oh, well, that includes
the $5 entertainment tax.

Well, this is highway robbery.

I want to see the owner.

OK.



I'm the owner. I'm Dirty Jack.

Well, I could have guessed that.

Come on, Harry. Pay the bill.

Let's get out of here.

Oh no. Oh no.

If I'm going to pay
$5 entertainment tax,

I'm going to stay and
see the entertainment.

Where is it?

He's it. Hit it, Mal.

Lucille, would
you care to dance?

Dance?

If I'm going to pay $5,

we are going to dance
and we are going to enjoy it.

Well, I'll dance, but I
don't promise to enjoy it.

Oh, never mind
that. I'm sure you will.

Yeah, but Harry, why
do we have to dance?

Because of my $5. That's why.

I want to get my money's worth.

- I don't feel like dancing.
- Oh, you will.

Just smile.

Just be happy. Enjoy, enjoy.

OK, Harry, we can stop.
The other couple left.

We won the dance marathon.

Nothing doing. I'm
just getting warmed up.

In a minute, I'm going to dip.

Dip?

You haven't forgotten
how to dip, have you?

Oh, Harry.

Nowadays, a dip is something
that comes with potato chips.

Get ready, get ready. Oh,
you're going to love this.

All ready now.

Dip.

Ahh!

- My bad knee.
- Oh Harry.

- Oh...
- Here.

Good heavens.

Now, you see.

Hey, Red, you should
have danced with me

when you had the chance.

At least, I don't
buckle at the knees.

Oh, Mother. There you are.

Mrs. Carter, we've been
looking all over for you.

I have been so worried.

Don't you ever do
this to me, again.

She cares.

I suppose this
is your blind date.

Yes.

And I never want
to see you again.