02x15 - The Very Important Zombie Affair

[bunniefuu]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Must be our man.

[COIN JINGLE]

May I...?

- You can keep it.
- Thank you.

Do you have it?

Seaside Hotel, 1124 Flamingo Road.

How corny can you get?

Striped suit, green hatband,
girlie magazine under left arm.

Don't you think Waverly
is overdoing it a bit?

SOLO:
Oh-oh. Another one.

What do we do now?

Well, when in doubt, follow instructions.

May I have alight?

- Thank you.
- You can have these.

- Well...?
- Not a thing.

Unless they're using invisible ink.

He's not one of ours. We gave up
that kind of kindergarten stuff ages ago.

[expl*si*n]

[PANICKED CHATTER]

- Something interesting?
- I'm not sure.

But I think those characters in that car
are interested in us.

Driver, see if you can lose
that red car behind us.

You bet.

[TIRES SQUEALING]

Watch out for the truck.

[CROWD CHATTERING]

What's the matter with you?
You drunk or something?

Police, where were you taking them?

Eleven hundred block, Flamingo Road.

- Seaside Hotel.
- Seaside Hotel.

[ENGINE STARTS]

[BELL RINGS]

[WOMAN SCREAMING,
MAN GRUNTING]

[YELLING INDISTINCTLY]

[SCREAMS]

[THUG 1 SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

[GRUNTS]

Get back, you animals!

[POUNDING ON DOOR]

Sefior Delgado?

You must be the two gentlemen
U.N.C.L.E. promised to send in.

Yes, I'm sorry we're late.

Your government was tipped
that we were on our way.

I'm not surprised.

There's very little that escapes
El Supremo's Intelligence Service.

So it would seem.
How soon can you be ready to leave?

Exile, a hunted exile like myself
must always be ready to flee.

My wife and I are entirely
at your disposal, gentlemen.

I am sorry, but I have to disagree.

And please don't think me ungrateful.
You've just saved our lives.

But now that those men
know your identity...

...they will never allow my husband
to reach New York alive.

My dear, there is always danger
in opposing evil.

But if I don't appear
at the Council of Nations now...

...I will have failed in my duty...

...and all those who gave their lives
fighting to free our country.

I can assure you, Sefiora Delgado,
that you and your husband...

...will be protected by the resources
at the disposal of U.N.C.L.E.

I am sure
you will do the best, gentlemen.

But you have no idea the kind of enemy
with which you have to deal.

Fighting El Supremo
is like fighting the devil himself.

DELGADO:
You must forgive my wife.

But she's seen so much cruelty
and oppression...

...that it sometimes
affects her judgment.

I understand.

- It's all right. The coast's clear.
- Shall we be on our way, then?

You ring a big enough bell somewhere,
and you get a little kewpie doll.

Drop it. It is voodoo.

Look at the head. Is there a face on it?

Matter of fact, I believe it's yours.

- Oh.
- No!

Don't let him see it.

[GASPS]

Hmm. Most extraordinary.

I told you, it is no use.
They cannot help him.

Well, what do you suggest we do,
fly in a couple of African witch doctors?

It may surprise you, Mr. Solo, but that
may be exactly what my husband needs.

No, nothing would surprise me
on this assignment.

Oh, more tests?

- X-rays.
- Oh.

Just a minute,
there may be some mistake here.

Do not worry, Mr. Solo. I will not
let him out of my sight for a minute.

Hurry, we do not have much time.

[MAN TALKING INDISTINCTLY]

- Doctor.
- There you are, Mr. Solo.

I'm afraid there are certain
psychosomatic disturbances--

Doctor, did you order another x-ray?

No, why?

Voodoo? Oh, really, Mr. Solo.

Well, I use that term
only in the interest of brevity, sir.

It seems much easier than saying the art
of inducing psychosomatic disturbances.

Well, whatever it is, that's the real secret
of El Supremo's stranglehold...

...over his unfortunate country.

I have no wish to offer any alibi,
but there was nothing in our briefing...

...to indicate that Sefiora Delgado
was playing a double game.

I'm still not satisfied that she is.

However, this may prove your point.

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

“Delgado returns home,
promises full support to El Supreme.“

He doesn't miss a trick, does he?

No, that's what so disturbs
the Council of Nations.

Delgado is the only remaining leader left
capable of challenging him.

He must be rescued, at all costs.

Otherwise, this reign of terror
of Supremo's...

...will spread like a plague
over the entire region.

Do we have time to change
before we leave?

I understand there's some very excellent
haberdasheries in Puerta del Cielo.

What a name for a city. Gates of heaven.

I just hope that they remain firmly shut
while we're there.

ILLYA:
Guess who that is.

No cracks.

My name is Solo.
I have a reservation for two, please.

Just a moment, sir.

[CLERK SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

Just a moment.

Just a moment. Whose trunk is this?

Just as I thought.

Okay, Miss Suzy,
you may come out now.

A nice, intelligent girl like you should
know better than to try such a silly thing.

You could have suffocated.
Don't say it, Suzy.

Such language is not becoming to a lady.

You have five minutes to be in your uniform
and back on your job.

CLERK:
Y ta?

What was she trying to do,
beat her hotel bill?

Suzy? She's the new manicurist
at the barbershop here.

Silly girl's homesick. That's the third
time she's tried to get away.

- In a trunk?
- Oh, no. Once she tried the laundry chute.

- Wouldn't it be simple! by plane?
- Impossible, sefior.

El Supremo is too fond
of the way she does his nails.

Now, what was that name again?

- Solo.
- Oh, yes.

Lovely.

Look at the view. Reminds me of Naples.

Yes, see La Puerta del Cielo and die.

Yeah, well, it's not that beautiful.

Well, wasn't our contact supposed
to leave word for us somewhere?

Perhaps he has.

“Welcome to the Pearl of the Caribbean.

Over.

After you've finished admiring the fruit,
take a look in the closet.“

“After you've finish admiring the fruit,
take a look in the closet.“

What's that? Some kind of local joke?

SOLO:
Aha. Our first contact man.

No, there's nothing psychosomatic
about that.

He's been stabbed through the heart.

We better find our other contact
before they do.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Too late.

Oh, come in.

I am so sorry I am late, gentlemen.

But your plane was a little early.
I am Capita'n Ramirez.

- Yes, I believe we've met before, capita'n.
- Oh.

My compliments, sefior.
I did not think you had recognized me.

Well, you're not a man
that one easily forgets, captain.

Thank you, sefior.

Gentlemen, I've come to escort you
to the presidential palace.

Is that an invitation or a command?

An invitation by El Supremo
is always a command, Senor Solo.

He expects you promptly at 4:30. Hmm?

We don't have much time, then, do we?

- It's only a few short blocks from here.
- Uh-huh.

Would you like a cigarette, captain?

[CHUCKLES]

No, I prefer my own brand.

Oh.

Well, we owe you some matches.

Perhaps you'll settle for this.

Go ahead, it won't explode in your face.

[CHUCKLES]

Thank you, thank you.

I will always cherish it as a memento
of my first encounter with U.N.C.L.E.

Perhaps we might stop in the barbershop
for a second, all right?

Mmm. An excellent idea.
I could use a shave myself.

Good.

You go ahead, I'll follow.

I'm one of those do-it-yourself fellows.

If it is the body in the closet
that is bothering you, don't worry about it.

It will be well taken care of.

Besides, if you don't mind
my saying so...

...you could use a haircut.

[SIGHS]

Oh.

I think that man was right.

You know, you could have suffocated
in that trunk.

[SOUTHERN ACCENT]
I don't care.

Anything's better
than another three months in this place.

Is it that bad?

- How long y'all been here?
- Well, I just arrived.

Wait till you spend a little time here.

And don't ask me how I got here either.

Y'all ever been to Chickory, Louisiana?

No.

Oh, you're lucky.

All you do there is sit around
and think about how you can getaway.

One day, one of those traveling men
left a New Orleans paper behind...

-...with one of these help-wanted ads.
- Mm-hm.

Wouldn't you all just grab a chance
to get out of that Chickory barbershop?

[TEARFULLY] I don't know what I'd give
to be back there right now.

We", suppose there was a way.

- You mean it?
- Shh, shh.

Now, just let's
keep this between the two of us.

Shall we?

Now, don't kid me, mister.

Because, well, I mean.
I want y'all to understand...

...I may be desperate and all, but, well.
I haven't lost my self-respect yet...

...if y'all know what I mean.

It's nothing like that, I assure you.

It's not that I object to having a date
with a gentleman now and then...

...it's just that, well...

...I like to get to know them a little.

You know the night spot called
the Casa Verde?

Oh, y'all don't wanna go there. Mm-mm.
That's no place to take a lady.

All I want you to do is call there.

And make a reservation for two
under the name of Sale.

And then find out the exact time
of the last show, understand?

Mm-hm.

I call and I make a reservation for Solo,
and I ask for the time of the last show.

- The exact time.
- Exact time.

And then after the call, write it down,
and leave the message under my door.

Suite 304.

[CHUCKLES]

Y'all serious about this?

I mean about helping me
get away from here?

I've never been more serious.

[SIGHS]
Oh.

RAMIREZ:
Serious about what?

The purity of my intentions.

I was merely trying to persuade
the young lady to have dinner with me.

You won't have time for that.
Are you through?

- Am I?
- Mm-hm.

All right.

Thank you kindly.

- I hope you're not getting any ideas.
- Oh, me, sir?

You better not.

You might as well give me
the two envelopes on those two.

Yes, sir.

Gee, I think you look
much better with a trim.

You may like to know
that it cost me $10 American...

...for him to leave my hair alone.

RAMIREZ:
Ready, gentlemen?

Right, sefiores.

What shall I do with you?

You realize, of course,
that there is nothing to prevent me...

...from standing you up against the wall
and having you shot as enemy agents.

Your Excellency is aware of the image
he enjoys outside of these borders.

That would hardly serve to improve it.

Exactly.

And that is the only reason
I forego the pleasure.

I could, of course, practice on you
some of our native an.

The art of voodoo, Excellency?

Well, it is an art, Mr. Kuryakin.

But I am afraid it takes a much richer
blend of bloods and cultures than yours...

...to develop a true appreciation
of its magic appeal.

And don't let the color of my eyes
mislead you.

There is no strain of blood
that flows on this island...

...that does not run through my veins.

And the beat of the jungle drums
speaks louder to me...

...than all the voices of your civilization.

I know very many civilized people...

...who maintain
that this little pet of mine...

...is really my lamented predecessor,
Pnesidentlal Cardona...

...whom I, by some trick of voodoo magic,
transformed into a monkey.

As though Cardona needed
anyone's assistance to become one.

I've seen some pictures
of the late president...

...and I think that there is a resemblance.

[LAUGHS]

Did you hear that, Ramirez?
That's funny. Why don't you laugh?

- Ha-ha-ha.
- That's enough.

You came here, I believe,
to see Sefior Delgado.

Well, I will save you the trouble
of trying to find him.

Sefior Delgado,
I believe you know these gentlemen.

[FLATLY]
Good to see you, Mr. Solo.

DELGADO:
Mr. Kuryakin.

- How do you feel, Sefior Delgado?
- Much better, thank you.

Why don't you tell them
what made you decide to come home?

When I was sick, I had time to think.

I realized I was wrong
about our great leader.

Our country needs him.

He has my full support. He...

That is enough, Sefior Delgado.

You can rest now.

Poor man is still very tired.
But you can see he's coming along nicely.

Isn't he, sefiora?

Oh, yes, Your Excellency.

CONCHITA:
He's getting better every day.

Well, I am very grateful to you
for having brought him...

...but I don't think we had better
over-tax his strength.

Satisfied?

Well, he is a changed man.

I'm glad you think so.

Well, gentlemen, it was a pleasure.

And if I may suggest...

...that it you leave now, you will still
be able to make the night flight to Miami.

We thought we might mix a little
business with pleasure...

...get a glimpse of your country.

There's only really one thing
worth seeing.

And you've already met me.

[QUIETLY]
Did you manage to place the detonator?

[QUIETLY]
Everything is under control.

Why don't you speak louder?
I hate people whispering behind me.

I was just wondering
if you had speed laws in this country.

Hmp. Not with only 10 minutes
to catch the flight.

Well, I wouldn't wanna have a blow out
traveling at this clip.

Perish the thought.

[expl*si*n, AIR HISSING]

[TIRES SCREECHING]

Estupido.

- Why did you not check the tires?
- Now, don't blame this poor fellow.

An accident can happen to any of us.

[DRONE OF AIRCRAFTS]

Hah. An accident, Sefior Solo?

All right, just for that,
you two can do the changing.

Fran ta.

Ah!

- We're gonna need a key.
- Key?

Oh, key.

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

Now, don't worry, Captain Ramirez.

It was probably overcrowded anyway.

You may yet wish
you were on that plane, Sefior Solo.

No message from the manicurist.

Well, it couldn't possibly be...

...that you overestimated the effects
of your charms on the young lady.

Shh.

[SHOWER RUNNING]

[SCREAMS]

Well, I declare.

Where I come from, a gentleman
was suppose to knock before entering.

Excuse me, I'm sorry. Did you
make that phone call I asked you to?

We", certainly. I was just about to slip the
message under the door like you told me...

...when it occurred to me
that it might get into the wrong hands.

So I asked this maid I know to let me in.

Well, now.
you shouldn't have done that, Suzy.

Oh, take a shower?
I didn't think you'd mind.

See, the one up in my room just drools,
a drop at a time.

I meant the maid. She might talk.

What was the message anyway?

Well, the man on the phone was a kook.

I asked him for the exact time
of the next show...

...and he said, “Bring a silver dollar,"
and hung up.

Good girl.

- Does that make sense to you?
- Your towel's slipping.

Let's go.

Well, hey, wait a minute.
I mean, what about me?

I did my part,
how about you all doing yours?

- Well, I will.
- You promised, remember?

You just gotta give me a little time,
that's all.

Oh.

[TEARFULLY]
Oh, I should've known.

You men are all alike.

All sweet talk
till you get what you're after.

And then a girl can just go whistle.

Suzy, I promised to try, and I will.

As a matter of fact, I'm gonna
meet someone now who can help.

Oh, that's fun. I'll come with you.

No, you can't do that.
You'll get in trouble if you've seen with us.

You see, we're not exactly
persona grata around here.

And we can't leave her here either.

If those two jokers see her leave
this room, she might be in a worse spot.

What jokers?

Listen, do you think
you can shinny down the balcony?

Oh. Can't be much worse
than an apple tree.

Get your clothes on.

An apple tree?

It is a very nice lighter. Pure gold.

Isn't that a bit rich for a mere capita'n?

It's yours, Your Excellency.

It's amazing how quickly
a girl can take her clothes off.

And how long it takes...

-...to put them on again.
- Shh.

SUPREMO:
Who did you steal it from?

RAMIREZ: Excellency, it's a present.
- Fmm Wham?

From the man from U.N.C.L.E., Mr. Solo.

You numbskull.
You misbegotten son of a she-a*s.

Well, that was fun while it lasted.

- They'll be on the first plane in the morning.
- They will not permitted to leave. Not now.

See if you can get the envelopes
on them.

Oh. I already have them, Your Excellency.

The nail parings are Solo's,
and the hair is Kuryakin's.

- That is more like it.
- Heh.

- Anything else, Your Excellency?
- Just keep an eye on them!

And before the night is out...

...you will have two very surprised
young men on your hands.

Yes, Your Excellency.

[BAND PLAYING MAMBO TUNE]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Where is he?

- Who?
- Whoever you're waiting for.

Aren't you enjoying the floorshow?

[MUSIC ENDS, APPLAUSE]

[COINS CLINKING]

Hey, you all must make a fortune with this.
It's the same on both sides.

- Say, that man on the phone...
- Shh.

Let's get out of here, shall we?

- I don't think we're going anywhere.
- Ah.

[BOTH SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

[CHUCKLES]

Good evening, captain.

- Won't you join us?
- Why not?

I've been looking for you everywhere.

Why did you have to pick this dump when
there's any number of nice places in town?

Well, we didn't think you'd look for us
in a joint like this.

RAMIREZ: I'm only trying to give you
the good news.

El Supremo has changed his mind.

You won't have to leave.

In fact, you may remain here indefinitely.

And how long is indefinitely?

I suppose I should be enjoying all this...

...since I've had nothing but grief
since you came here.

But I'm really
a very soft sentimentalist inside.

And I have nothing but pity for you...

...as I would for any creature who's doomed
to spend the rest of his days as a zombie.

[RAMIREZ CHUCKLES]

I don't know about you all,
but I'm getting out of here. Heh.

Sit down.

RAMIREZ:
No one may leave until I say so.

And don't you try anything.

I have a jeep-load of men outside.

[SLOW MUSIC PLAYS]

Well, then why don't we have
one last drink before we leave?

ILLYA:
Speaking of zombies, captain.

I've always understood
that you can't make one...

...unless you have something
which is a pan of the intended victim.

That's right, and El Supreme
has everything that is necessary.

Doesn't he, Suzy?

[TEARFULLY]
Oh, I couldn't help it.

It was part of my job.

- But I had no idea what he wanted it 101.
- That's all right, we understand.

And now you know
why I gotta get out of here.

Out of this creepy, crazy country.

Be careful what you say.

I don't care. I have had it up to here.

And nothing's gonna happen to them,
because, you know what?

You didn't get their hair and nail clippings
in those envelopes. You get yours.

Mine?

[GASPS]

[GAGGING]

It's all right. Don't get excited, everybody.
Little too much rum.

His men are outside. Go call them.

[INDISTINCT CHATTERING]

[ENGINE STARTS]

Do you know where
Avenida Santa Tomés is?

Y'all don't wanna go there.
That's where the cemetery is.

Well, where else
would you look for a zombie?

- Oh, no, mm-mm, not me.
- Sit down...

...before Ramirez wakes up
and finds out what you've done to him.

They'll never believe this back home.

This must be it.

- I can feel my flesh crawl already.
- Come on.

I hope nobody's home.

[MAN YELLS IN SPANISH]

Good evening, I'm Dr. Solo,
and this is Dr. Kuryakin, my colleague.

Captain Ramirez sent us
to attend to Sefior Delgado.

Yes, this young lady is a nurse.

Que pasa?

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

Upstairs.

[DOOR CLOSES]

Buena, buena.
El Capitan Ramirez, par favor.

Mind telling us why
you decided to switch sides...

...and bring your husband back
to La Puerta del Cielo?

Because he is my husband,
and I want to see him well again.

And you think El Supremo
was going to cure the only man he fears?

There are others on this island
with that power.

I should say
they haven't been much help.

I haven't had a chance
to take him to her yet.

- Her?
- Mama Lou...

...the last great voodoo priestess.

They say she taught Supreme
all he knows.

It's up to you, gentlemen.
Either you take us to her...

...or I will call the guards.

Well, that doesn't leave us
much choice, does it?

Oh. Well, if that's where you're going,
I'll take my chances with Ramirez, bye.

[WHISTLE BLOWING]

[MEN YELLING, DRUM BEATING]

Ladies and gentlemen, it appears
we are about to become a c*ptive audience.

Come on, in there.

- It's all set.
- Conchita.

Do it.

[CONCHITA SCREAMING]

[BLOWING WHISTLE]

[GUARD 1 SHOUTING IN SPANISH]

[CONCHITA SPEAKS IN SPANISH]

[GUARDS COUGHING]

[GUARD SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

[RECORDING OF PEOPLE CHANTING
PLAYING]

[GROANS]

[COUGHS]

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

Excellency, am I dead?

You should be, you brainless jackass.

- It's that girl, the manicurist.
- Never mind that now.

They have abducted Delgado. I want you
to take some men and find Mama Lou.

Mama Lou?

That's where they must be headed,
you numbskull.

- I want you to get to her first.
- Yes, Excellency.

[ENGINE SPUTTERING]

- What now?
- We're out of gas.

- How much farther?
- I have no idea.

I've never come this far before.

- Not many people dare to come here.
- Come on.

[CHAINS RATTLING]

I was wondering if you could help us.

It is prohibited to trespass
on El Supremo's private property.

Va'manos, pronto!

I'm sorry. We didn't know that.

If you give us gasoline,
we'll be glad to get off.

Wait here.
I will bring you some from the house.

And no talking to those men.
It is prohibited.

Hyah!

What's he afraid of?

We might give them something to eat?
I've never seen a hungrier-Iooking lot.

They are not hungry, sefior.
They are zombies.

Zombies?

Now you know what happens to those
who dare to oppose El Supremo.

Go quickly, he's calling the soldiers.

Thanks, is there anything
we can do for you?

What can you do for the dead?

For the last time, won't you do it?

I used to take him across my knee
and spank him.

Now he call himself El Supremo.

Ordering me?

All right, all right.

Mother, he's asking you.

[SCOFFS]

That's better.

[CHUCKLES]

They will come
and ask you to help Delgado.

You will agree.

You take them to your prayer house,
you put on a good show.

And make them drink this.

And when it's all over,
you'll get the reward I promised you.

Hmm?

[SNIFFS]

How much farther do we have to go?
I just can't take another step.

Ahem. Well, I think we've made it.

[DRUM BEATING,
PEOPLE CHANTING]

[SILENCE]

[CROWD MURMURING]

Hold on to me,
or I'll take off any minute.

Happy Halloween.

[SNIFFS]

[LIQUID POURING]

[RHYTHMIC BANGING ON DRUM]

[DRUMMING STOPS]

Drink this, all of you.

Is this really necessary?

- If you want him to come back, it is.
- Mm.

Hmm? Me?

It's not too bad. Go ahead.

Bare his chest.

[DRUMMING RESUMES]

[CROWD EXCLAIMS]

Let the spirit of the evil one
leave this man...

...and enter the body of the sacrifice.

MAMA LOU:
It is done.

You can get up now.

Oh!

CONCHITA:
Mi amur.

[DRUMBEATS, CHANTING RESUMES]

k*ll them. k*ll them all.

Gracias, Mama Lou. Gracias.

[g*nsh*t]

[CROWD CHATTERING]

[g*nshots]

[g*nsh*t]

[GASPING]

Is there anything we can do to help?

Nothing.

My time has come, like his.

I taught him everything he knows.

He turned it all to evil purpose.

Tell him...

...I die cursing his name.

[EXHALES]

[INTERCOM BUZZING]

Yes?

SOLO [OVER INTERCOM]:
Operation Calypso reporting, sir.

Oh, yes. Come in, Calypso.
What's on your mind?

Ahem. Transportation, sir.
We have Delgado.

Control informs me
that your position has been determined.

You'll be picked up in less than an hour.

[VEHICLE PULLING UP]

I think we could do with some food now.

[THUDDING]

Too bad you didn't think of that earlier.

Ahem. Well, if there's one thing I hate,
it's being caught on an empty stomach.

Line them up over there,
and get the firing squad ready.

Just one moment, Your Excellency.

I have a message that might
be worth your while to hear...

...before we're permanently silenced.

There is nothing you can say that can
persuade me to change my mind, Mr. Solo.

Hmm.

Not even this?

[CHUCKLES]

Are you trying to impress me with this?

Frankly, I had expected
more ingenuity from U.N.C.L.E.

Don't you believe in the efficacy
of your own methods?

I wouldn't be where I am today
if I didn't.

But you are forgetting
the most important prerequisite...

...of a successful application
of voodoo magic.

The intended victim must believe
in your power to invoke such magic.

And I don't believe you have it, Mr. Solo.

I hope not, but I think the woman
who fashioned this little thing...

...could give even you, a few lessons.

Mama Lou? I don't believe you.

She died cursing your name.

That was the message
she asked us to deliver.

- I still don't believe it!
- Why not put it to the test?

Do you have a pin, IIIya?

I used it. But I have this.

[GRUNTS]

[SCREAMS]

Well, I'm sorry we weren't able
to bring back Delgado with us after all.

Oh, that's all right.

I've just heard word
that he's been elected...

...president of the provisional junta
that took over after His Supremo's demise.

Incidentally, I'm not perfectly clear,
how did you manage it?

Oh, it's quite simple really.

We frightened him to death.

Oh?

Here's something I did bring back
for the U.N.C.L.E. collection.

Hmm. How interesting.

Made in Japan.

Hmm?