02x01 - Der Dieb

[bunniefuu]

♪ If you're looking
for me ♪

♪ You'd better check
under the sea ♪

♪ 'Cause that is
where you'll find me ♪

♪ Underneath
the sealab ♪

♪ Underneath
the water ♪

♪ Sealab ♪

♪ At the bottom
of the sea ♪

Uh, yeah,

I guess you could put
liquor in it.

Fa-i-th... And begorra,

Then I'll take


It'll be drunken
buttered potatoes

For all of dingle.

Deal.

Yo, dave?

Big order
just came in.

mein butter churner
is gestohlen.

Hey! Hey!

Shut
your sprech-hole.

I need 1,000 qts by thursday,

Or I'm gonna blow
your [bleep] a*s

Out of the air lock.

Got it?
nein!

nein, geschstupid...
Gestohlen!

My butter churner
is gestohlen.

I'm s...
[Moo]

Someone is stealing
my butter churner.

Somebody stole
your churn?

ja, und without
mein butter churner,

I'm not going
to butter.

All right.
All right. Jeez.

Friggin' amish.

Buggy-driving,
barn-raisin' sons of...

Sparks.
Sound the alarm.

Seal the hatches.

Move, man, move.

Hang on.
Somebody stole

Amish dave's
butter churn,

And meanwhile,
I gotta...

No churn?

Well, where the hell am I
supposed to get my fix?

I mean, this one's cashed.

Sparks, I can't go
back to margarine.

Relax. I'll figure
something out.

Screw it. We've got
bigger problems

Than a butter
shortage.

And I never thought
I'd say that.

But the murphmobile
is missing.

Well, maybe it's
with my microscope.

What the hell does that
have to do with anything?!

My microscope is missing
from the bio lab.

Murphy:
well, get in line.

I've got no butter

And no murphmobile
to drive around in

While I eat it.

That hairdryer
was brand-new,

For crying
out loud.

Shut up about
the stupid hairdryer.

Captain, you've got
to do something.

What in judas
rockin' priest

Is goin' on
around here?

There is
a dirty, rotten,

Lowdown,
stinkin' thief

On sealab.

Somebody stole
my hairdryer.

And my hummel
collection.

And my...

Back massager.

Back massager?
Yeah, right.

Looks like we're all
missing something.

That's
the whole point.

We don't know whose
throat to slit.

Huh?
Whaddaya mean, what?

A throat needs
slitting,

And we don't know
where to lay the blame.

I'm sure there's
a rational explanation

For the things
that are missing.

Yeah...
You took 'em.

What? My microscope
was stolen.

Well, it's
pretty obvious

That you took
your own microscope,

To cover up the fact
that you did it.

Quinn...
To me it is.

Come on,
just 'fess up.

Girl, what are you
talkin' about?

It's obvious
that you did it.

Oh, ok...
I get it.

So the black guy
did it, huh?

Automatically blaming
the black guy, huh?

Nice.

Well, a minute ago,

You were all ready
to blame the latino.

No, I wasn't.

You wanna play the
race card, quinn?

Is that it?

What,
so latinos steal?

We're just a bunch
of thieves, gringo?

I never
said that.

You don't have
to say it.

[Sniffs]
I can smell it on you.

You disgusting bigot.

Would you
shut up!

I can't believe
I had sex with you

A jillion times.

Quinn: what?

[Sniffs]

You told me you were
saving yourself

For marriage.

Ha ha.
Ha ha.

Dupree: no,
no, no, no.

No-o.

Could we not talk
about our sex life?

What? Are you
ashamed of it?

Was it too dirty
for you, q?

Too hot?
And savage?

That one time was
a little weird.

Oh, with the...
Thing?

Yeah.
That was weird.

I was drunk.

I know.
Still weird.

[Sniffs]
enough!

Until we find
the thief,

I am declaring
martian law.

Um, I think it's
"martial law."

Silence!

Under martian law...

What are my powers
exactly?

Under martial law,

You could suspend
habeas corpus,

Empower
a posse comitatus...

That's crap.

Mars is wild,
untamed.

I'm founding a cadre
of martian knights

Charged with enforcing
martian law.

Huh?

Martian
knights?

Now who's ready
to beat some a*s?

I'm in.

I dub thee
sir phobos,

Knight of mars,
beater of a*s.

Be a hitter,
babe.

Hey, I wanna be
a martian knight...

With you guys?

Maybe get one
of them bats?

Ugh!
Dupree: oh, my god!

Quinn: what
are you doing?

Silence.

I am enforcing the sacred
law of the red planet.

It's not
martian law.

It's...

Sir phobos!

[Thud]

Sparks:
ow! My hands!

You crushed
my hands!

Oh, my god,

We've got to get
out of here.

Just be cool.
I'll try to distract them.

[Waters moans]

Something's real bad wrong
in my pants.

Prithee knave,

What else can I do
under martian law?

Uh, anything...
Anything you want.

Can I
marry people?

I don't know.
Yeah. Sure.

Dr. Virjay,
please report to...

Aah!

Oh, god!

That was
my last hand!

Under martian law,

Doctors and other wizards
are forbidden.

Nice swing,
sir phobos.

The key is to hit
really hard...

With the bat.

Uh-huh. Ok.

Quinn. Debbie.

I bid thee...
Get over here.

Captain! I insist that you
place marco under arrest.

Hmm.
Uh-uh.

Hmm. Hmm. Hmm.

Uh-uh.

Hmm... No.

Article 934 states
that if...

Silence,
varlet.

Get me out of here.

You two.

Me and ares are
a little tired

Of all this sinning.

What?
Who?

Ares, god of mars.

So, hitherforth...

Uh... Sparks,
can I marry people?

Yes, anything.

[Sobs]

Ok. So hitherforth,
you two are married.

That way, ares will
look more favorably

On your couplings.

Now...
Couple!

What?
What!

You heard me.

Put the spurs
to her, doc.

Captain, you are no
longer fit to command.

I am relieving you.

Mm-hmm. Ok.
Sir phobos!

I insist that you
relinquish command this...

Oh, my god.

Jeez!
Oh, crap.

What?

Uh...

I think
I k*lled her.

Quinn: you animal!
What have you done?

Man,
that's tough.

Newlyweds
and everything.

How are you
holding up?

I'm calling
the police.

Murphy: not so fast,
dr... Quinn, is it?

Yes!

Or is it
dr. "Steal-everything

From-the-sacred-planet
red mars?"

It's quinn.

Then how do you
explain this?

We're waiting.

You say something?
No.

You just said no.
That's something.

Open the door!

Shut your mouth!

Sparks, they're insane!
Call for help!

I can't work the controls,
quinnie.

Hmm.
Those hands?

Totally useless?

[Sob] yes.
Dear lord, yes.

Well, don't
worry, son.

We'll take
care of you.

Great benefits package
here on mars.

It's in the
planetary charter.

Can i...

Can I get me some
of those benefits?

Quinn: stormy,

Go for help!
Hurry.

Sir demos. Thank ares
you're alive.

Quinn: who the hell
is sir demos?

I hurt really bad
where I pee.

Walk it off,
sir demos.

I'm sending you
on a quest.

You... You'd take
a eunuch like me?

No prejudice
on mars, son.

Also
in the charter.

Stormy, for god's sake...

Don't listen to them!

Sir demos,

Your quest is
to find quinn's a*s...

And then beat it.

We're supposed to be
looking for a thief.

Ugh!
Ugh!

Take that,
you dirty thief.

Take that,
thief.

Thief.
Stop it! My eye!

What did you
do to my eye?

Chill out, baby,
come on.

Damn, demos.

Sparks, call the police.

[Moan]

Murphy:
all righty.

Let us take the prisoner
down to the dungeon

For his court-martian.

We, uh... We don't really
have a dungeon, baby.

Oh, crap.
Sorry, fellas.

Earth, wind,
and fire,

Back to the shire.

[Whoosh]

[Coughing]

See you
at tremendous con.

Ahem. Could you
hit 2, please?

I'd be
delighted.

Uh-huh. Ok.

Now, what the crap
goes on

In a court-martian?

Uh, as lord regent
of the sacred red planet,

That would
be your call, sir.

I know that,
yeah.

Sparks?
Can I marry people?

Aargh...
My hands.

Then, as of this moment,

I am married
to adrienne barbeau,

Queen of mars,

From olympus mons
to tharsis.

And the punishment for
dr. Quinn shall be death...

By slitting.

You're all insane.

So, let's have it
done in the galley...

[Moaning]

'Cause it's got
a tile floor

With a drain
in the middle,

And that'll
be good,

Since there's gonna be
lots and lots

Of blood and quinn guts

Slopping around
all over the place.

No. Please.
Help...

Plus, we can sacrifice
a virgin to ares

When we're done.

Wait.

You can't do this.

Knights of mars...
Stop...

Tune him up a little,
would ya?

Shut that yap of his.

Quinn: god!
Oh, my other eye!

What did you do
to my other eye?

Jeezie petes,
knights of mars.

I said,
a little.

He's barely alive
enough to k*ll.

I swear, I'll
get you for this.

all of you.

Yeah right.

Come on,
I'm over this.

Sir phobos?

Surprise!
Surprise!

[Applause]

Oh h*! Man, you
should see the look

On your face.
Ha ha ha.

All right, baby,
we did it.

Thank you for
your help, buddy.

You swear
you didn't know?

Oh, man! Crushed gonads
were totally worth it.

Ha ha ha. So was
my fractured skull.

Oh, quinnie,
it's priceless.

Crushed hands!
Get it? Get it?

You did all of this
for a surprise party?

Ha ha! Yeah.

And wait'll you see
the best part.

What a bunch
of [bleep] holes.

Hit it, hesh.

Captioning made possible by
warner bros.

Captioned by the national
captioning institute
www.ncicap.org...

♪ Go robot,
it's your birthday ♪

♪ You're one year
older ♪

♪ One year wiser ♪

♪ Rock'n'roll
star ♪

♪ King, czar,
and a kaiser ♪

♪ A room full
of friends ♪

♪ A mouth
full of cake ♪

♪ Every present is
for you ♪

♪ And it feels
pretty great ♪

♪ You're the man
of the hour ♪

♪ The v-i-p ♪

♪ You get the first
slice of the p-i-e ♪

♪ But first blow
out the candles ♪

♪ And make a wish ♪

♪ Put a smile on ♪

♪ 'Cause it's your
birthday, b*tch ♪

♪ Go, robot,
it's your birthday ♪

♪ Go, robot,
it's your birthday ♪

Quinn: seriously.

What a bunch
of [bleep] holes.

It's not even
my birthday.