02x02 - The Policy

[bunniefuu]

♪ If you're looking for me ♪

♪ You better check
under the sea ♪

♪ 'Cause that is where
you'll find me ♪

♪ Underneath the sealab ♪

♪ Underneath the water ♪

♪ Sealab ♪

♪ At the bottom of the sea ♪

[Loud rock music]

It's 3:00
in the morning,

For god's sake.

I mean, what?
What the hell?

Boy, just go ahead

And kick whoever's
a*s that is.

Uh-oh. Maybe not.

Huh. We'll see
about that.

[Music continues,
indistinct noises]

[Music stops,
splashing, growling]

Murphy: who is it?

It's marco.
Can I talk to you?

[Animal growls,
splashing continues]

[Loud rock music resumes]

Could you come
out here, please?

[Music stops, glass breaks]

[Animal growling, splashing]

Yeah, what's up?

Marco: what is up?
Nothing.

Well, good night.

Sir! Come out here!

Murphy: ohh, all right.

What?!

Do you realize
what time it is?

Are those
night-vision goggles?

Is that
a hot tub?

I was trying to get
the cat in the tub,

But he's crazy. He hates it.

Oh, my god.
Look at all this!

Stormy: whoa,
check it out!

Every rush album
ever!

Yeah, caress of steel.
it's an import.

Uh, captain,

You know that's
not a house cat.

It's an ocelot!

[Splashing]

It's an ocelot.

Don't you need
a license

To keep
endangered species?

Hey, anybody want
a hot fudge sundae?

Hey, how about shaved ice?
Kobe steak?

Marco: where did you
get all this stuff?

Uh, this place
called "stores."

[Growling]

How did you afford it?

Ha ha! Ka-ching!

Quinn: man!
Wow, ok.

Well, good luck
paying it off, sir.

Ha ha! All right!

Debbie: seriously,

Did you at least get
a good interest rate?

Maybe. Check over
by the pipe organ.

There's crap
over there

I haven't
even opened yet.

Let me explain
how credit cards work.

Murphy: what?!

[Rooster crows]

You didn't tell me I
had to pay them back

For all that stuff!

No... Not exactly.

You exactly told me

It was a magical
goodies creator.

Remember?
I may have.

So where the hell
am I gonna get

$108,000?

You could transfer
the balance

On your
high-interest card

To another one... That...

Actually is a magical
goodies creator.

Ok.

Really?

No.
Damn it!

But I got a better plan.

Better than magic?

Mmm... As good.

Here's the deal...

[Whispering]

Look, I can't understand
a word you're saying.

Murphy:
and the intelligence we have

Says that the viking
is chock-full

Of blackbeard's
sunken treasure,

So your mission...

Uh... What intelligence?

Uh, sources.

So, you're gonna go
load up the treasure,

Then bring it back here
to me... For science.

I don't think there's
any pirate treasure

In the viking, sir...

There's scads of it.

Because she sank in 1944...

Gobs and gobs.

And she wasn't
blackbeard's ship.

Even if there was
treasure,

That wreck's
entirely unstable.

God, her timbers have
to be rotted out by now.

And crawling
with sharks!

Well,
I hate it for you.

Now go get
the treasure.

I think I speak for
everyone

When I say
we're doing this

Under protest...

Fair enough.

And that charges
will be filed

If and when we
return

From this
idiotic mission.

Whatever.

Stormy: I'm gonna buy
a bitchin' camaro

With my share of the booty.

Marco: there's
no booty, idiot.

But they got intelligence!

Unlike you.

Use your head, baby.

Stormy, how could a ship
from world w*r ii

Have pirate treasure?

Why? When did pirates live?

Like, in the 1700s.

Were they aztecs?

Can we just do this
and get out of here, please?

Yeah, this place
gives me the creeps.

Probably all
the pirate ghosts...

Shut up!
Shut up!

[Spooky voice] doomed to
haunt a watery gra-a-a-ave!

Debbie: shut up!

Sparks: sparks,
you're a genius.

Nice, crazy little genius.

How's the search going?

Um, great.
Going great.

Yeah, well, let me know

The minute
the treasure gets here.

I'm starting to get
bitchy phone calls.

[Clears throat]
how do I look?

Y-you look great.

Well, I feel great.

Well, you look...

Great. You look great.

Hey, um,
sign this for me?

Is it a credit card
application?

'Cause that other one
quit working.

Yeah, and... This one

Gives you
frequent-flyer miles.

Wait.

Do I have to pay it off?

You'll have all that
damn treasure.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hey, you think I'll turn
into a jerk

When I'm all crazy rich?

Ha! Trust me, you don't
have to worry about that.

Hey, thanks!

Marco: come on,
let's get this over with.

The sharks are getting
restless!

I got a bad feeling
about this.

You got a bad feeling
about everything!

No, he's right.

This place is
totally spooky.

Haunted by the ghosts
of a mil-l-l-lion pirates!

Shut up!
Shut up!

Spooking everything
in their ghostly path!

Shut up! Let's just
get up in this

Big non-treasure-having
b*stard.

Stormy: the bo-o-o-oty!

We've come for the booty!

Murphy: check it out!
I'm trying my a*s off,

And I can't crash
this thing!

[Honk honk honk honk]

Totally un-tip-overable!

Uh-huh. Awesome.

[Honk]

Hey, are they
in the boat?

Are they getting
the treasure?

Yeah, sackloads.

Hell, yeah!
Let me hear.

Give me some sound
on that thing.

Uh, the feed's
video only.

Sealab, this is quinn.
Do you copy?

Well,
what do you know?

Quinn! How many
sacks you got?

I, uh... Gotta go
check on something.

Is it all doubloons,
or is there

Candlesticks
and that crap?

Quinn: as you can see
from the camera, sir,

There's no treasure...

Just a lot of skeletons.

Golden skeletons?

No, the regular kind!

Murphy: aw, you're
not looking right!

Hey, check in the
closets and stuff!

Marco: we've checked
every deck.

And our tanks
are running low!

No! No, no!
Keep looking!

Sir, it's al capone's vault
all over again.

We're coming back.

No! Now, pirates,
they're paranoid!

They hide stuff!
They're all crazy!

Could be
in their butts!

We're coming back!

I'll bet those
damn skeletons

Are chock-full
of gold!

Bust a couple open!

We're not messing with
those nasty old skeletons.

You're an a*s.

Quinn: wait,
where's stormy?

Who cares? Let's just go.

We can't
leave him.

Yeah, go find him!
And take some sacks!

Marco: where is that idiot?

Stormy, spooky voice:
I heard that, punk!

Stormy, where
the hell are you?

I don't know.
Near some wires.

Wires?
What kind of wires?

Are they golden?

No, the regular kind.

They go from outside...

Into this big box...

Of... Dynamite?

What?!
Whoa, whoa!

Why is there
dynamite down here?

Quinn:
aw, damn!

Whoa! Holy crap!

They all get blown up?

Yeah, and so did
the treasure!

Oh, man, I am
royally screwed!

Don't sweat it.
I'll pay your bill.

With what,
your stupid magic?

Nah!

I'm rich, skip.

Yeah, I had policies
on all of them.

Double indemnity if they die
doing underwater salvage...

That's 200 grand each.

Wow. What are the odds
they'd die like that?

Mmm...

About one-to-one,
roughly.

Huh?

I set it all up, skip.

Got you to run
your credit card up

Buying stuff that I like

So you'd send them looking
for made-up treasure

In a wreck stuffed with tnt

So that I could blow 'em up
and collect on the insurance.

Yeah, ok, stop.

I'm all gibbered up
here,

But the important
thing is,

You're gonna pay off
my card, yeah?

You don't need
to pay it off.

How's that?

'Cause I've got
one more policy.

Uh, yours?

No...

Oh.

Well, see you
in hell, then.

Probably.

Aah!

Hey! Hey, skip,
stop that! No, don't!

[Indistinct shouting]

Aah!
Aah!

[Police radio chatter]

So, uh, what do you make
of it there, frank?

From all the champagne
bottles, I'm thinking

They were getting
their courage up.

A final embrace,

Then they chuck in
the battery.

The double duper.

Apparently, the floater
had a pile of debts.

What was the other angle?

And what happened...
Ooh!

So they made a big bowl
of dead guy soup, huh?

Boy, love hurts.

Got that right.

Hey, how's doris doing?

Hey, fat and happy.
Having a little girl.

Irish twins, huh?
Glad to hear it, joe.

Irish twins!
Shut up.

So, how's the lava bath
treating you?

Oh, you know,
mind-blowing pain.

Oh, yeah.

How's by you?

Oh, a*s full
of red-hot coals.

a*s full
of red-hot coals.

Oh, yeah.

Your, uh, entire a*s,

Just packed full
of red-hot coals?

Right to the rim,
baby.

Oh, you lucky b*stard.

Yeah.