03x04 - Meet Beck Bristow

[bunniefuu]

♪ If you're
looking for me ♪

♪ You better check
under the sea ♪

♪ 'Cause that is where
you'll find me ♪

♪ Underneath
the sea... Lab ♪

♪ Underneath the water ♪

♪ Sealab ♪

♪ At the bottom
of the sea ♪

[Telephone rings]

[Ring]

Yello?

Baby, it's conrad.
You ready to love me today?

You know I love
all living things...

That don't waste my time.

How about
your own series?

It's called seaforce nine,

And it's set in an underwater
research colony.

Sounds stupid.

Stupid great!
But, listen, these idiots,

They want you
to audition.

Audition?

I think
you're gonna need to do

A little bit of research,
though, before that.

Research? When?

[Car horn honks]

Now. I'm down
at your massive gate.

[Sighs]

Ok.

You're not leaving,
beck bristow?

What can I do, baby?

My craft calls out to me...
Like a lover.

Your craft?

Am I not
also your lover,
beck bristow?

Yeah. Yeah, you are...

For now.

Hank murphy:
dress that line, mister.

Shoulders back.
You, suck in that gut!

I beg your pardon?

Suck in the pooch,
woman.

I do not have a pooch.

Jelly sack?

Ha!

Whatever
you call it.

Straighten up,
punks.

I want this place
shipshape

For when
hollywood actor

Beck bristow
gets here.

I don't
have time to baby-sit
some stupid actor.

Silence
in the ranks.

That beck bristow
is not a baby.

He's a famous grown-up
hollywood actor.

Well, if he's
so damn famous,

How come
I've never heard of him?

Beck bristow:
ah, the question
on everyone's lips.

Hi. I'm hollywood actor
beck bristow.

And I am soaking wet.

Hi, beck bristow.
Hi, hi, hi!

Ah, you must be
captain... Murray.

Oh, I am, I am, I am.
Yes, I am!

Although... And this
does not reflect

On any of you
as people, per se...

But I'm
not gonna remember
any of your names.

Not a problem.

So if I wish
to speak to anyone,

I'll probably
address that person
simply as... Hey.

No sweat,
becky.

And never
call me becky.

Because
beck bristow
hates that, huh?

Yes,
he certainly does.

[Door opens]

And this, of course,
is the reactor.

What's she got,
about 200 mevs
per decay cycle?

Uh...

Of course,
I'm assuming fusion

At a constant state
of subcriticality.

Man, you sure know
a lot about reactors!

Well, I didn't
win an emmy

For this pretty face,
buddy.

Eh, daytime emmy.

Hmm. All right, then.

Guess you
don't want to see it.

Oh, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I do!

Mmm... No. Murray?

Huh?

Let me tell
you something.

Oh, yeah. What's that?

You're great, ok?

But I also find myself
intensely bored by you.

I thought
we were having fun.

Yeah, and you know what?
You're exactly right.

Oh, cool!

But for my seaforce nine
research,

Maybe I should
hang out with the...

How do I put this?
With the grunts.

The grunts?

Yeah. You know,
in the trenches.

Then trenches
beck bristow shall have.

This trench sucks!

Yeah, thanks
a lot, bristow.

No, thank you, chair guy.

This is perfect
for my research.

Dig. Dig, you rat-faced
b*stards. Ha!

Just kidding.
You guys are great.

Man, it's your fault
we're digging
this stupid trench!

So how
about you getting...

Hey.

Hey what?

No, I'm addressing you now.

My name
is doctor quinn.

Mmm... Not gonna
remember that.

I don't care
if you remember
my name!

I wish I had
a mnemonic device.

Stay out
of my face, bristow!

What rhymes with black?

Crack!

Stormy,
shut your a*s up!

All I'm getting
is "angry black man."

Oh, you
ain't seen angry!

That doesn't help me
with the actual name.

I'm gonna climb
up out of this hole

And make you say
my damn name!

And I'll just forget it


God, you're
a self-absorbed a*s!

Now, you see, chair guy
over there I remember,

But that just cost him
the slot.

Uh... What slot?

The network
is letting me choose

The technical advisor
on seaforce nine, people.

Your famous hollywood
tv show?

Hey, hey, whoa!

Uh... How much
does it pay?

Oh, man. Assloads.

And you're gonna pick
one of us?

Well, unless you think
I'm too self-absorbed.

Oh, no, no.

I was, uh...
Talking to quinn.

Who?

Me!

Oh, right.
Angry black guy.

He's not always angry.

I think maybe
he just feels...
Threatened by you.

Who's that?

Quinn.

Mmm... Help
me out here.

Angry black guy?

No, help me out
with my foot.

It's cramping
ever so slightly.

How's that?

Ah... Words fail me.

Bet you say that
to all the girls.

I'm not a huge fan
of cliches
like that, baby.

Ha!

Ha ha ha!
You were kidding.

No, I wasn't.
But I just remembered

A funny story
from when I was on oz.

Oh, I love
hollywood gossip.

Hush. I'm talking.

So, it's set
in prison, right?

And my character
is getting r*ped
by this other guy, and...

Um... How
is that funny?

He was dressed
like a clown.

Well, it must be
fascinating

To be hollywood actor
beck bristow.

It is, baby.

You know what else
is fascinating?

Tell me.

Hot, nasty sex
with hollywood
actor beck bristow.

Are you...
Propositioning me?

No.
Oh!

Merely stating
a fact.

For you,
hot, nasty sex

With hollywood
actor beck bristow

Will remain
a dream unrealized.

Oh, yeah.
I mean, yeah.

I just have to... Ow!
I have to go now.

Ok. Bye. Ow!

As hollywood actor
beck bristow

Thrills to the sensation
of tiny bubbles

Caressing his tan,
muscular bottom...

Beck. Beck, is this it?

Does that look
like the rubber ducky

Of hollywood actor
beck bristow?

Uh...

Murray.

Yeah?

Forget the ducky.

I'm not learning
anything here.

I never do.

What if I k*lled
a gigantic shark?

Oh, sure.
But, uh... Why?

"Famous hollywood actor
beck bristow

Kills shark in
preparation for role."

Wow!

In hollywood,
we call that
a p.r. Coup, buddy.

I don't know.
Sounds really dangerous.

As is any life
worth living.

Wow! Where did you learn
how to do that?

On the set
of escape from atlantis.

I played joriath.

Did you see it?

No, but
that was amazing!

No, what's amazing
is how tenaciously

That tough old b*stard
clung to life.

Yeah, till
you jacked him up.

Murray!

Totally
jacked him up.

I won't have you gloating
over the carcass

Of this magnificent beast.

My bad.

He gave his life so that
we may have a sumptuous feast...

Shark's fin soup and delicacies
from his innards.

Awesome!

A feast befitting
hollywood actor beck bristow,

The shark slayer.

Totally!

Have the chef
prepare the repast

While I anoint myself
with oils.

Beck?

Yes, murray?

Will there be
cole slaw?

Don't you just know
there will.

Hank: 3 cheers for
the shark slayer. Hip, hip...

Hooray! Hip, hip...

This is crap!

You came down here
to do research

For a tv show
about underwater
research.

k*lling
an innocent shark
is not research!

Mmm... Who are you again?

Dr. Quinn!

Right, the black guy.

I don't know why I keep
blanking on that, dude.

And when you k*lled
this shark...

I worked with tons
of the brothers on oz.

And when you k*lled
this shark,

You violated
every principle
sealab stands for!

What about being nude
in the hot tub

With your girlfriend, pal?

What?!
Oh... Hell.

That violate any principles?

Is this true?

It sounds
way worse than it is.

Sparks,
let me get
some slaw.

Shut up.

She strokes
a good foot, bro.

She what?!

No, no.
He had a foot cramp.

I can vouch for that.

Give me some
damn cole slaw!

Shut up.

I saw his toes curl up.

He came on
to me!

Yeah, right.

On your feet,
bristow!

Bro, why would I
come on to her?

I'm a famous
hollywood actor.

Who is


From getting my foot
in his a*s!

Cole slaw,
damn it!

Shut up!

I didn't
come on to him.

Hang on, ok?

Hey, fun bags,
would you like

To run away with me
back to hollywood?

Oh, whatever!

No, I'm serious. Come on.

We had a moment there.

I can vouch for that.

I know you felt it.

Saw her toes curl up.

Come away with me
to my palatial home

In the sun-drenched hills.

Shut your mouth,
bristow!

Well, hang on a second.

Woman, you are
on thin ice!

Look into my ridiculously
piercing blue eyes.

Beck... Are you serious?

No, of course not.

You b*stard!

Merely illustrating
my point.

Me and you, bristow!
Outside!

Kick his a*s, quinn!

Your a*s is next.

Hey, quinn, wait.

You saw what he did
to this big-a*s shark.

You can taste
his awesome power.

Yeah. He'll k*ll you.

I'll see him
in hell first!

Ha ha ha!
Perfect, man. Awesome.

That is exactly
the kind of energy I need

In a technical advisor.

What?

I knew I could
get it out of you.

Wait. This was
some stupid test?

What is life if not
a stupid test?

Cast off this yoke
and live a life of ease with me

In sunny hollywood.

Well, yeah, ok.
I'm in.

Sweet. And you won't regret
this for quite some time.

Thanks for everything,

You, uh...

[Chomp chomp]

People. Come on, black guy.
My hovercraft awaits.

Quinn, wait!

Go to hell,
debbie.

Beck:
great knockers, though.

I can vouch for that.

Conrad, on telephone:
no, they loved your read.

They're turning it into

Some crappy, late-night
adult cartoon thing.

Oh, that's gonna suck.

I've always told you I want
you to do features anyway.

You and the rest
of western civilization.

By the way, how did
that technical guy take it

When you told him
he didn't get the part?

Oh, he's cool.

I set him up
with another job.

Actually, hang on a sec.
Hey, black guy.

Don't just push
the leaves around, ok?

That's why we have
the net, right?

Skim! Skim it!

[Beep] idiot.

Sorry. You still there?

Hi. I'm hollywood actor
beck bristow.

I hope you enjoyed
my velvety voice

During this cartoon,
for which I earned $1,200.

Get out!

To learn more about me and all
the famous-guy stuff I do,

Visit my new website...

And together, we can make me
a huge star.

No, strike that.
A huger star.

Because beck bristow
is going supernova.

Hey, woman, how about a grilled
cheese up here for your daddy?