03x05 - Mayim Worst Enemy

[bunniefuu]

So the restaurant is fully booked?

Oh! Say you're Steve Martin!

What if I said...

[NERDY VOICE] ... I'm Steve Martin?

[NORMAL VOICE] Hello?

[GROANS]

It's impossible to get a weekend
dinner reservation in this city.

I can't keep asking my dates
to come with a full stomach.

It... it's creepy as hell.

I finally got into that NYU
study for extreme sleepwalking.

All it took was security footage of me

in pajamas driving that city bus.

So what about you, Judge?
Any fun weekend plans?

- You know she doesn't.
- She's just gonna lie

and give us the plot to a '90s movie.

So you knew I wasn't coaching

a Jamaican bobsled team last weekend?

Alright, look. Jake's out of town,

so my life's been kind of boring lately,

but next weekend, I am
driving across country

in my blue convertible

with my best friend Thelma and...

Whatever! Just call court!

The People vs. Jane Doe.

- A living Jane Doe.
- How refreshing.

When the defendant was arrested,

she refused to give her name

and threw her wallet into
the water of a hot-dog cart.

Please take off your hat and glasses.

I only allow anonymity in my
courtroom during Secret Santa.

You're Mayim Bialik!

TV's Blossom is in our courtroom!

Can we not make a big deal out of it?

I put my pants on one leg at a time

just like any other five-time

Emmy-nominated actress with a PhD.

You don't understand.
When I was a kid,

I would pretend that I was
best friends with Blossom.

I could do your entire dance
from the opening credits.

Is this like that "Blossom" episode

where a stolen item
turned up at a garage sale

that you and Six were hosting?

I physically assaulted a guy.

Dr. Bialik was dining
in a vegan restaurant

when she attacked the
chef with a tofurken,

which is like a
turducken, but for no one.

Your Honor, the restaurant
claims to be vegan,

so can you imagine my client's outrage

when she discovered
the secret menu item,

which was a bacon sandwich
where the bread is steaks?

Okay. I-I think
I've heard enough.

Um, not guilty.

And I fine the restaurant $10 million.

It's a vegan restaurant!

They don't have that kind of money.

You're right. I can't be fair.

But good luck finding a judge
who isn't a huge "Blossom" fan!

I can't believe I
totally embarrassed myself

in front of Mayim Bialik.

Younger me is so pissed right now,

she's going through
another goth phase.

Who cares what an actor thinks?

Though I guess if
we had paid more attention

to John Wilkes Booth,

things might have
shaken out differently.

Oh. She's still here.

You think I should talk
to her and try to redeem myself?

Oh, Abby, yeah.

I... And I mean this
from the bottom of my heart.

I don't care.

I just don't want
to sound like some stalker.

You can't pull off stalker.

I could totally buy
you as lonely Victorian ghost.

- Okay. I'm gonna introduce myself.

Gonna play it supes cool.


out before they make eye contact.

I don't bet on friends.

Told you I could
take the moral high ground.

Pay up, Sandy.

Hi, Abby. My name is Mayim.

I mean, your name is Abby.

I mean, I'm Ab-im. No.
No one's Ab-im. Apologies.

I'm sorry. A-Are you okay?
Do you need help?

I'm a doctor, but not that kind.

I was just trying to say hello,

- but I'll stop bothering you now.
- You know what? Please don't.

Everyone assumes
when you're famous,

you've got tons going on.

but honestly my
life's pretty boring.

I've stretched out my
skincare routine to 17 steps.

Mine's at 18!

You know, sometimes I play a game

where I take a melatonin and see

how many I can get
through before I pass out.

- I play the same game!
- Ohh!

Okay. I'm just
gonna sh**t my shot.

Is... there any chance you'd want...

Do the "Blossom"
opening credits dance with you?

Do you have any idea how
many people ask me to do that?

Zero. I'd love to.

Amazing! Um, Siri, play
my wedding processional.

["BLOSSOM" THEME PLAYS]

♪ Stop all your fussin',
slap on a smile ♪

♪ Come out and walk
in the sun for a while ♪

Huh. So dancing can be nonsexual.

I can't believe
I danced with Blossom!

You know, I've actually done
a lot of things besides "Blossom."

"Call Me Kat."
"The Big Bang Theory."

Huh. You were in that?

I only remember the
girl with the high voice.

She was great.

Well, that's it!

Society is officially crumbling!

Time to fill your bathtubs with water

and melt all your fillings.

Did someone see a dog in a sweater?

Oh! No! Worse than that.

I'm running for the elevator
because the doors are closing.

I yell at the dude inside, "Hold it!"

He does nothing. What
happened to civility?

You know, what happened to
the days of three-martini lunches

and... and gentlemen with
big ideas like... w*r?

You're not wrong. Ever try to get
the new Travis Scott Nikes?

Hm?

Forgot who I was talking to.

But that's the world. What can you do?

Oh, no. I'm gonna do
something, you know.

Because as those doors
were closing, I reached in

to try and stop them, grabbed this.

When I find the owner
of this pocket square,

there will be... a reckoning.

This gets a reckoning,

but when someone pants'ed
me in court, nothing?

Guess who just had the most
fun weekend of their life.

It wasn't me. I couldn't
get a dinner reservation,

so I put a chef's hat on my mom

and pretended her
apartment was a pop-up.

But then word got out and I couldn't get

a reservation there, either.

It was me. I had the fun weekend.

Oh. Did you finally start

that "Little House on
the Prairie" OnlyFans?

Mayim and I hung out,
and we had the best time.

We went shopping. We
prank-called Joey Lawrence.

She snuck me into a Mensa meeting.

I got to wear glasses.

We have different ideas of
what makes a fun weekend.

So you and your new celebrity friend

spent the whole weekend together?

Yeah, and some of this morning.

She was at my apartment when I woke up.

- Ah.
- She came by with a gift.

Oh.

It's a picture of you... fast asleep.

Taken without your knowledge.

Oh, this doesn't raise
any red flags, does it?

She brought me a gift
and wants to be around me?

No. It's flattering.

I mean, if she's
obsessed with me at all,

it's in a totally
normal and healthy way.

[ELECTRICITY CRACKLES]

Hey! Just a reminder!

Even in the dark, we
can hear your zippers!

- Abby?! Are you okay?!
- This feels healthy.

Mayim. What are you doing here?

Well, I was just in the neighborhood,

and it's a good thing I
was 'cause it looks like

my best friend needs a lantern!

And on the bright side,
now you can't work,

so there's nothing to keep us apart.

Great. It's like a snow day.

Except everyone is scared.

Hey. Where's your hat?

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

You wanted to talk?

Is this about my not
wearing a bra to work?

Because I have a doctor's note
saying that I don't need one.

I actually just wanted to circle back

on the stuff you were
saying about Mayim.

Oh, you mean the fact that
she's a textbook stalker?

Well, I wouldn't go that far.

Yeah, she's a little clingy,

and I'm pretty sure she
chewed through a power line

and blamed it on a family of rats,

but "stalker" makes her sound crazy.

The question is, what
type of stalker? Hmm.

Does she want you all to herself,

like in "Fatal Attraction"?

Is it a "Single White Female"
where she wants to be you?

Or is it the Julianne Special

where she just wants
your whole life destroyed

while looking fabulous doing it?

I think we just need to have a
conversation about boundaries.

I mean, how is she supposed to know

I don't want her
digging through my trash?

She's not a mind-reader.

Let me talk to Mayim.

Now, I have a little free time

since the oligarch I'm
dating was poisoned... again.

But, you know, the good news is,

if she is a stalker, you
really don't have to worry

until she infiltrates
your social circle.

[ALL LAUGHING]

We are so excited to welcome
you into our social circle.

Well, I am so excited to be welcomed.

And I'm really sorry
about your sleep issues.

I'm a neuroscientist, so I can get you

into the sleep study
all the celebrities use.

That would be incredible.
I can't keep waking up in Delaware.

Ohh!

And, Wyatt, if you ever need
to impress a date, let me know.

I'm a neuroscientist, so I can get you

into all the best
restaurants under the city.

- Don't you mean in the city?
- [WHISPERS] No.

[GASPS] What...

That's so nice!

And if there's anything
we can do for you...

Well, actually, I'd love to
pick your brains about Abby.

You know, small stuff
like favorite foods,

allergies, reaction time when startled.

Are you throwing her a surprise party?

Sure.

So just put all those tidbits in a list.

And if there's anything she's
touched, that would be great

'cause I could use her fingerprints.

Uh, for the party!

I just need security
footage from one elevator.

Well, if you don't have
access to it, who does?

What do you mean "the highest bidder"?

That's a beautiful pocket square.

Oh, yeah, it belongs
to a Grade-A jackass

who doesn't hold elevators.

When the small niceties crumble,

is society so far behind?

That's exactly what I said!

But he remains at
large, looking ridiculous

without a... without
a single pop of color.

Well, maybe I can help.

You know, as a neuroscientist,

I studied the effects
of sewing on the brain.

This was clearly stitched
by a man in his early 80s,

French-Canadian.

Straddling two worlds
but belonging in neither.

Wait a minute. That
describes only one haberdasher

in New York... Jacques Bernard!

But he's never gonna
reveal his client list.

Well, he would if we
had his granddaughter.

Just... hypothetically.

I-I'll get us some coffee.
We'll find his weakness.

And maybe a Danish?

Two coffees, please.

Hello, Mayim.

Interesting to see you
spending so much time in a place

that's basically an indoor bus stop.

You must really care about Abby.

Well, who wouldn't?
She's a special person.

Alright. Spare me, stalker.

I know that you are nuttier
than a bag of trail mix.

Uh, Julianne, you have me all wrong.

I'm not a stalker.
I'm just a regular gal.

Where would I even find
a woman-sized birdcage?

It would take the type of money
that only a regular cast member

on several genre-defining
sitcoms could afford.

Am I right, girlfriend?

Hey, Dan. Have you seen Julianne?
I haven't been able to reach her.

Have you tried a step stool?

Good news, Dan!
I got the lab results and...

- Oh. Hi, Abby.
- Mayim. You're here.

Right in the bull's-eye
of my social circle.

She's using science
to help me track down

the owner of the pocket square.

Probably better than my method,
just screaming at strangers.

I analyzed the fabric and found traces

of egg, sausage, and horseradish.

Horseradish. That is the
sandwich at the cafeteria!

They use the horseradish

to mask the taste of the salmonella!

You know what? I'm
gonna call the local E.R.

See who they've admitted today.

[CHUCKLES] That Dan is really something.

I know all you see
is a gruff curmudgeon,

but... give him a chance.

He'll really surprise you.

Hey! I'm always surprised by Dan!

If I was one of those goats that fainted

whenever they were
surprised, I'd never be awake!

Whoa, whoa, whoa. I know
what you're worried about.

- You do?
- You're not gonna lose me.

In fact, let's find brothers
and marry them right now.

I would, but I... I really
need to find Julianne.

Julianne? Tall woman,
slim, not a neuroscientist?

She mentioned something about
wanting to take some time off

and not wanting anyone to bother her.

If I were you, I'd never
think about her again.

There's something I
need to tell you guys.

It's gonna sound
crazy. Just hear me out.

I think Mayim kidnapped Julianne.

- My Mayim?
- She's my Mayim.

What? She's not your
Mayim or your Mayim.

She's my Mayim, and
she's only talking to you

to get closer to me!

Someone is full of themselves.

Judge, should we be worried about you?

Are you chewing nicotine gum
instead of regular gum again?

Because you know that
gives you the zoomies.

Oh, nicotine gum. Remember to
add that to Mayim's list

- under "Frequent Blunders."
- What list?

Well, it was supposed to be a surprise,

but she has a list of things
she wants to know about you.

That's right. The woman
you accused of being insane

actually cares so much about you,

she wants to know your
Social Security number,

the duration of your menstrual cycle...

Oh. Now I hear it.

I don't feel good about
breaking into Mayim's apartment.

We're not breaking in.

We're entering with permission
and snooping without.

I don't want to upset Mayim.
She got me in to see the doctor

that cured Usain Bolt's
restless legs syndrome.

Imagine how fast that leg was going.

And I have dinner
reservations under her name.

I don't want to burn any bridges.

You don't want to burn any bridges

with a kidnapping stalker?!

Not until Sunday.

Okay. We'll be subtle.

Mayim can't have any
clue we're onto her.

- What are you guys...
- [ALL SCREAM]

- Hey! Hey!
- This wasn't my choice!

I'm sleepwalking!

Um, you know, we were just,
uh, stopping by to tell you

that I found brothers for us to marry.

I'd love to hear more about it.
Why don't you come in?

And, uh, pardon the
mess. I just remodeled.

- Huh. It's super dark in here.
- Oh. I'll get the lights.

[GASPS]

Whoa!

Well, this is cozy.

You see? She turned her
apartment into my office.

Except better!

Oh. Julianne. You're safe and alive.

You're alive and you're alive,

and we're all gonna
stay that way, right?

You're so clever.

I'm gonna drop this in the kitchen.

Don't worry. We're here to save you.

Save me? I'm having a wonderful time.

You know, Mayim is deliciously bonkers.

Wait. So this isn't as bad as it seems?

Oh, no. It is. You're not safe here.

Didn't you get my texts?

Ah. Yeah, I got 'em, and
I came to Crazytown anyway!

Of course I didn't get the texts!

Ah. They didn't go through.

Sorry. Your devices won't work in here.

This is a cellular dead zone.

I don't like distractions.

The only downside is if
something terrifying happens,

you can't call for help.

Mayim! Look! So listen. The
cafeteria gave me all their...

[CHUCKLES] Just a sec.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

So, hey, Mayim! Nope. Still weird.

Okay. Well, I guess we should be going.

Oh.

No. Please. Make yourselves comfortable.

[LOCKS CLICKING]

In my opinionation, you're
gonna be here a long time.

["BLOSSOM" THEME PLAYING]

♪ Stop all your fussin' ♪

Abby, isn't this fun?

This is your dream, right?

It's everything I wanted.
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

You know what? Actually...

- [MUSIC SHUTS OFF]
- Let's take a break.

It's time for my surprise.
Don't go anywhere.

Kidding. You can't.

Okay. We don't know
how much time we have

- to find a way out of here.
- Yeah, yeah. Come on.

- [RATTLING]
- Listen. We can take her!

There's only one of her, and there's...

four and a half of us!

Really? We're in mortal danger,

and you're still making height jokes?

Oh, the unexpected
timing makes it funnier.

Maybe we can go through the window!

[CHUCKLES]

[GASPS]

Maybe we can go through the brick wall!

No need, Wyatt.
If I can sleepwalk my way

into the Met Gala, I can
sleepwalk us out of here.

Now, hush!

Oh, sh**t. I can't sleep
without my retainer!

Okay. The remote is the
only way out of here.

We just need to figure out a way

to distract her long enough to steal it.

So how do I look?

So it is "Single White Female."

I read you as "Fatal Attraction."

Oh. My bad. [SNORTS]

Mayim, what do you want from me?

Isn't it obvious, Abby?
I want your life.

Excuse me. You could
pick any life in the city,

and you chose hers?

You know Kelly Ripa lives here?

Abby has it all.

I want a coworker best friend,

a debonair surrogate dad, a hot nerd,

a "will they, won't they" with a cougar
fresh out of her cage.

I think you're misreading
that relationship.

Oh, she's not.

Oh. Best-friend selfie?

I can get the remote

just like snatching a pocket square

from that jerk in the elevator.

You know, Mayim, I
gotta be honest with you.

I don't care anymore.

I don't care what you do to Abby.

You can be her. You can
cook her. I don't care.

All I care about is the
vulgarian who took my dignity.

Now, will you help me go
through these receipts or not?

I think that would be kind
of rude to my other prisoners.

Yes, we could ask someone

who's not a neuroscientist to do it.

Well, that's dumb. Give me those.

Okay. Good. You know, there
was an interesting one...

- Ohh!
- Yeah, yeah, I got it!

- What are you...
- Abby! Here!

We're getting out of here!

- See you in hell, Bialik.
- Come on.

[SOUR ALERT TONES]

- [SHRIEKS]
- Sorry.

Only works with my fingerprints.

Come on. That's, like, Evil Genius 101.

Abby, I thought you were my friend.

But if you're not my
friend, then you're my enemy.

And there's only one
thing to do to an enemy.

And scene! Scene. Scene.

That was amazing! How did it feel?

- It felt good.
- It felt really, really right.

Can someone explain what's going on?

Oh. Everybody, this is Bryan.
He's my acting coach.

This whole thing has
been character research

for playing the role of
a stalker in a new play.

"The Cable Gal." What?!

Why? Who wants this?

I'm really sorry for the inconvenience,

but I had no choice.

It was the only way I could get
authentic reactions from you.

Chills. I have chills.

All this for a play?

Rich people really do
love to waste money.

I've got to tell you, Mayim.

As far as actors go, I
mean, you've got my respect.

You had me the whole time.
Uh, except when you called Wyatt hot.

Then I... [TRUMPETS LIPS]
got out of it a little bit.

But just a little bit.

I do feel much better.

Weirdly not as much as I should.

I'm kind of disappointed
you don't want my life.

Oh. Don't take it personally.

I'm sure there's a lot of
people who would want to be you.

Just not me. Because, I mean,
come on. I'm Mayim Bialik.

You know what? It was nice of
Mayim to get us into previews.

Hey. Two coffees. She's got it.

Well, I'm just gonna
go ahead and say it.

The play was bad.

The nudity did not serve the story.

- [GASPS] Abby, be cool.
- You know I can't!

Just... Shh! That navy suit.

Look. That's what
goes with this pocket square.

Yeah. Alright,
Elevator scum. Why don't...

[SHRIEKS]

[HEAD RATTLING]

Oh. This box. It's for you, Abby.

Oh. It's from Mayim.

Aww. She got me a
hat. Oh. There's a card.

- It says "I'm so sorry...
- Aww.

... I didn't k*ll you when
I had the chance."

So was Mayim behind the
pocket square the whole time?

Or is this just her way to
play mind games to get attention?

[DRAMATICALLY]
I'm gonna tell you! I hate actors!

It's funny!