(soft organ music)
(rousing guitar)
(soft ethereal music)
(rock music)
(dunebuggy engine roaring)
Tommy: Hi, I'm Tommy.
I'm nothing special.
But I've got
special needs.
Disfluency, dyslexia,
CAPD, ADHD-
LMNOP.
I'm so lucky to have
amazing friends-
who support me
and keep me alive.
They're doing
a great job.
Like Irie.
He's what people
call gifted.
He's got
a good job.
Makes lots of money.
And he's settled.
He likes
to get high.
But his feet are
firmly on the ground.
He takes me everywhere,
like a brother.
Sweats: What's that thing?
Tommy: A whale?
Sweats: Dude is that a
whale f*cking bottom?
Wow.
And Jasmine.
She would be
perfect for me-
if she only knew.
She's a casting director.
And I said I wanted
to be an actor-
so I could be
closer to her.
And now I'm screwed-
because I have to
read all the time.
Like I'm reading
this right now!
(men laughing and whooping)
Sweats: Dude you almost
tried to get into that
tree!
Tommy: And that's Sweats.
As you can see,
self-explanatory.
Sweats: Man, this
is f*cking nuts!
Tommy: I spent a lot of my
life
waiting for things to
change.
But not anymore.
I'm finally ready to buckle
up and get serious.
I'm in a good
place right now!
(dunebuggy crashing)
Irie: Oh-!
Sweats: Yo, you all right?
Tommy: Uh, I
don't know.
Sweats: Uh, yeah.
Turn that off.
Tommy: Yeah dude.
Sweats: Okay.
Irie: I paid
for that bike-
on my credit card!
Sweats: Just relax.
Just relax.
I'm getting you out.
Irie: (giggles) Oh my God!
Sweats: Now put your hands
to support your weight.
Tommy: Yeah.
Sweats: And get the other
one this way too.
(Tommy groans)
Did you get hurt?
Tommy: I don't
f*cking know!
Irie: I think
you're safe dude.
(Tommy groans)
Sweats: You hurt?
Tommy: No!
But look at the
f*cking wheel though!
(men laughing hysterically)
Tommy: Oh my God!
Look at him!
Look at him!
f*ck!
What's wrong
with me?
(men laughing)
Tommy: And that's-
a very good question.
(soft rhythmic music)
(alarm chimes)
(phone clicking)
f*ck!
That's it, my son!
Get after it!
Man, when I
was in the Navy-
I'd be washing dishes-
for the thousands!
f*ck!
Some nights-
I'd just fire
the whole works
in the ocean!
All right,
my son.
You'll be
all right.
You're
doing good.
All right b'ys,
let's rock and roll!
(Ernie clapping hands)
Let's have some
service tonight!
(dishes clinking)
(rap music)
Agghhhhh!
Uh...I can't focus, man
No attention span
Searching for my phone
and it's right
in my hand
Damn,
lost my keys in
the fridge again
Ah ha, About to go
on a rant, luh
It's something
I need to do
When I was
a young buck
I used to type
my thoughts out-
It's 8:45.
Thanks.
However I had to
get sh*t offa my chest
Stress levels
through the roof
So I needed
to vent
All day thoughts speeding
through my head
So I rambled a lot
My brain works too fast
so my words get
Scrambled a lot
I'm like, bro, I have
something important to do
Get distracted
and lost and-
Tommy: Easily,
the worst audition-
I've ever had.
Irie: You sure?
-The room looked
like a casting couch.
-So you might
get the part.
Where am I
taking you?
-Another audition.
-Looks like an
abandoned milk factory.
-It is.
But Dad.
I want to go to Princeton,
not sucky old Hartford.
Harvard.
Harvard?-Harvard.
Spell Harvard.
Phone: Harvard.
H-a-r-v-a-r-d.
That's not how
it looks at all.
(Irie sniffs)
Is that the
dish pit?
I changed twice.
(Irie laughs)
There's cologne
in the console.
Why do they always bring
you out to the boonies-
for these auditions?
I haven't seen a coffee
shop in four blocks.
How do your actor
friends get out here?
The bus.
Low-income.
You mean no-income.
Jasmine lets
me self-tape.
Really?
Yeah.
Let me see
that self tape.
(Tommy laughs)
Tommy: Do you imagine yourself
driving a luxury vehicle?
I wouldn't let that
guy clean my gutters.
Yeah you would.
They're called eavestroughs.
I clean them sometimes.
You'd be surprised at some
of the things I see in them.
It looks like a music
festival garbage.
Condoms and needless
and rubber duckies.
Are they used?
No, new rubber duckies.
Oh, lucky you.
Jasmine still talks to you-
after seeing that?
I am lucky.
You know that dune buggy
video got over a million views?
So you want
to be famous?
Not for being dumb.
Plus, I didn't
monetize it.
(men groan)
Irie: f*ck.
Look, if I
get this role-
I'll have a
couple grand.
And I'll be able to pay
you back for that rig.
Oh lucky me.
Do you really
think you'd pass
for someone going to
an Ivy League school?
Not Ivy League.
It's Princeton.
Okay.
We're early.
Alllll rrrrright.
(car pinging)
Hey.
Uh-
There's something
I got to tell you.
Break a leg.
I got a job.
Oh sweet!
That's great.
A new job.
Why do you
need a new job?
It's not a
new job.
It's my old job.
Oh.
But it's in Louisiana.
Oh!
But I have to
leave next week.
Oh!
I'm going to
be rideless.
Well about our
apartment too.
I'm gonna be homeless!
But I'll pay my
half of the rent.
Okay, all right,
thanks.
But for the first month,
and then you're on your own.
f*ck!
-I gotta take
this opportunity.
I know, I know!
I've got to leave
next week.
I can't afford
our bathroom!
-Well-
this is a good
opportunity for you!
You can get some
independence-
and get a job!
I've got a job!
What the f*ck?
A job that pays
you a living wage.
(Tommy sighs)
-Can you-
Hey can you
shut the door?
-Yeah, just like the way
you shut the door on me.
What?
-Oh my God.
I'm jinxed!
I'm jinxed!
You ruined the audition!
Break a leg!
You ruined it!
You ruined it!
You ruined the audition!
You ruined this audition.
-I can't hear you.
Can't hear you.
(phone pings)
Tommy: Re-wit?
Re-rat?
Re-wit?
Ugh, whatever.
(knocking)
Hey!
What's wrong?
Everything.
That's my brother's blazer.
I know, its-
It's Irie's fault.
What's going on?
He's leaving me.
Okay, well you can't
think about this right now.
Okay?
Yeah.
You've got to
k*ll this audition.
Yeah.
-Let's go.
Hi, I'm Tommy.
Hello!
Do you want me to
just go right into it?
I want you to
go right into it.
Okay.
Uh- but Dad.
I want to go
to Princeton!
Not sucky old Hartford.
Harvard.
Hartford?
-Harvard.Harvard.
Give it to me
one more time.
And don't look at
me this time, please.
Okay.
Uh- but Dad.
I want to go to Princeton,
not sucky old Harvard.
Director: All right.
That was honestly just
for my own entertainment-
that's not
the line, son.
Were you given
this out front?
I wasn't.
Director: Okay, that's
the actual script.
So if you could give
me the last three lines.
You were reading
the right script.
But that's
the old script.
That's the new script.
Give me the last three lines on
the bottom of that page please.
Um- angry or heavy?
Angry, angry.
Okay.
What kind of game
are you playing?
Let's- let's congregate-
and-
re-con-
Okay okay, give
me a second.
What kind of game
are you playing?
Let's congregate
and reconfigure.
Director: Conjugate.
Conju-
congregate-
Director: No, I'm
making that up.
Thank you
for your time!
I can't read this.
I see that.
I already learned
the old script.
Director: Yeah,
that's the new script.
Thank you
for your time.
I can make
it work.
Yeah, I sincerely
doubt that.
Thank you!
I don't need to
see him anymore.
Next!
(door closing)
(melancholy music)
Jennifer: You're fired and
that's all there is to it!
Uriah: What do
you mean I'm fired?
Jennifer: I can't
talk about this!
Uriah: What are
you talking about?
You can't fire me!
Uriah.
You stole from
the company!
Arghhh!
I'm a pirate!
That's what pirate's do!
We pillage and thieve!
You can't fire me-
for doing
a good job!
For being in character!
Come on.
I suppose this means
we're no longer courting?
That was one hookup
at a Christmas party!
The hell are you
getting on with?
Hook up?!
Pirates don't hook up!
Pirates f*ck for life!
I'm not a pirate!
Hey, is everything
okay here?
Jennifer: I'm
not a pirate!
(sword swooshes)
Uriah: What's it to
you landlubber?
Oh back off, sneakerboi!
Just back off!
Keep doing what
you're doing, fine.
It's a private conversation!
This is treachery, Jennifer!
You'll regret this!
You'll be hard pressed to find
another party pirate such as me.
Yeah?
That's the plan!
Yaghhh!
Jennifer: Ahhh!
Jesus!
Uriah: Aggggh!
-Thanks for that.
Yeah, I didn't
do anything.
I wish I did.
No, you're fine.
You're great.
Now I've got to find
a replacement for him.
Did he say
party pirate?
Yeah, that's it.
I'm an actor.
Hmm!
I look like I
steal, but I don't.
-Really?
Yeah.
Come on!
Thanks!
(upbeat music)
-Okay, good!
Give me a
little bit more.
These are kiddies.
Lot's of energy.
Okay that's good!
Yeah I was a pirate for
Hallowe'en three years in a row-
when I was in
elementary school.
So I have lots
of experience!
I need some
direction on this.
-You do you.
Just be a pirate!
It's kids!
Let's go kids,
let's go!
We're going to go
on an adventure!
The best one
you've ever seen!
-Hey that's not
bad Tommy.
But you've got to
be a little nicer.
These are kiddos, remember?
Try it again, nicer.
That's good.
Okay, good!
Now listen to me.
We're going to go
around this whole city-
and find some treasure!
We'll start at your
grandparents' house-
and end
at the park!
-Other way around.
No, I mean-
Start at your
grandparents' house-
end at the park!
-You'll do.
You've got the job.
You're hired!
All right, yeah.
Yeah it's probably
a blown gasket.
Yeah, I'll give
you a call back.
(knocking)
How'd it go?
I got the job.
The pirate job.
Pirate job?
You didn't
see all that?
So you didn't
have to read?
Okay, never mind.
Um- it's
$50 an hour.
Ten hours
minimum a week.
All I have to do
is show up on time.
-You're going
to have to stop-
using your cat as
an alarm clock.
Kush is punctual.
Phones die.
Cats die too.
Why would
you say that?
That's my best friend.
I thought I was
your best friend.
(sighs) You are.
I'm with her more.
Put on your seatbelt.
Yeah.
-Can we go
any faster?
-Off a cliff?
-If it's on your
credit card.
(dishes clattering)
(water running)
(dishes clattering)
Jesus Christ Ernie!
What's up man?
Starting tomorrow, I
can't do days anymore.
I got an
acting gig.
A pirate.
A pirate- wow!
Well what's
the sense of you
being here at all?
(Ernie laughs)
Pirate?
I can't turn down
that type of cash!
I've literally
got the job.
It's already lined up.
It's four times what
I'm making here!
-All right then-
Mr. Hollywood!
Go on!
I needs commitment!
-Commitment?
I'm not even quitting!
I was really counting
on you, my little halfwit.
-Okay.
Listen.
Try and find
another dishwasher-
that'll wash the
coke off your plates.
I already got someone!
They sells it to
me too, dipstick!
What kind of coke dealer
washes plates as a side hustle?
For tax purposes.
Look.
You work for me!
Or you do your
bullshit pirate dance.
One or the other.
See ya, Grandpa.
- I am someone's Grandpa!
Get the f*ck
out of here!
But anyway-
Absolutely, he's-
Hey, Jazz.
Hey!
Hey, I'm Tommy.
I was in for
an audition-
earlier today.
You were?
Tommy: Yeah, I was having
a really bad day though.
So yeah.
We're just having
lunch here, so-
You don't want
to eat here.
They don't even
have a dishwasher.
Jasmine: Okay listen.
That role-
It hasn't been
cast yet, but you-
sucked.
Yeah, I know.
Director: Yeah yeah yeah.
I remember you.
You did suck, yeah.
Tommy: Yeah.
Did you learn
your lines?
I didn't, no.
Director: Do you
still want the gig?
Tommy: Yes, please.
As she says, it
hasn't been cast.
Set a time with Jasmine
to come back in.
Yeah.
Perfect, thank you.
Don't mess this up.
He looks better
than I remember.
You know, there's a guy
in my Mauy Thai class.
He's not an actor,
but he's scrappy.
-A guy
in your Mauy
Thai class?
Yes!
(director laughs)
We're not like casting
models at the mall okay?
I'm going to give
that guy another try.
Okay.
Uh- tell me more
about this guy.
-This guy-
Tommy: On your knees!
Everybody freeze!
Butt naked please!
That last line
isn't there.
(Tommy chuckles)
-No, but
I like it.
Here, I'll do it a
little differently.
Um-
On your knees!
Everybody freeze!
Butt naked please!
They don't like it when
you change the lines.
I'm a working
actor now.
You're a party pirate.
What's that mean?
Like I could
play a badass.
Like when I was
11 years old-
I used to sell my Ritalin
to get out of a beating.
Like how
gangster is that-
at 11?
Okay.
How about you pack?
It's great motivation.
Use your hands.
Awesome way to
learn your lines.
-But you're doing
it for me already!
I'm not packing
your stuff!
You have to move!
I'm just getting my
stuff out of the way.
You don't live here.
Yeah I know that.
You do have a lot
of stuff here though.
-You know what?
From where
I'm standing-
you don't look
like a badass.
(Tommy sighs)
You don't understand.
Looks aren't everything.
I was a
skinny kid.
And I hated school.
(upbeat music)
Kids think if you're
dyslexic, you're dumb.
I was picked
on a lot.
When Irie moved here-
he spoke broken English.
And they made
fun of his accent.
And they didn't
like our hair.
We bonded over
that really quick.
We had so
many bullies!
(bully growling)
Yeti Metalhead.
He worshipped the Devil!
His dad
was a priest!
Yeti: Sataaan...
Tommy: Joey Malone.
He gave punks
a bad name.
Joey: Poser!
Tommy: This one
guy, Beni Beanhead-
used to really
lean into us.
(Beni growls)
Beni had a beard-
in Grade 6.
Teachers nicknamed him-
Pubeface.
I don't know
why he liked it.
(Beni grunts)
What they
didn't know was-
Irie grew up in a
literal w*r zone.
He kept that part of
himself very secret.
Until one day,
Irie had enough-
and busted out
some Krav Maga.
(loud smack)
Yeti: Ughhh!
(loud crack)
Joey: Ughhhh!
(loud thwacks)
(Beni groaning)
(breaking glass)
(Beni farts)
Clay Tommy: You did
all that to protect me?
That's so nice!
Clay Irie: I think
I hurt my foot.
-You're my hero!
-Yeah, definitely
hurt my foot.
Ron: Whoah whoah
whoah whoah whoah!
Tommy: Ron Coward-
and everyone who had been
standing by for months-
saw that we-
weren't going
to take it anymore.
Ron: Whoah whoah
whoah whoah whoah-
whoah whoah whoah!
Clay Tommy: Irie, will
you be my best friend?
Irie: Me?
Well-
-Yeah!
We'll be best
friends forever!
Tommy: We
mashed them beans.
And that's when we showed
them not to mess with us.
Well it sounds like
Irie showed them.
And you were
just kinda there!
I'm just saying
it seems like-
you're friends
with a badass.
-Yeah.
And I remained friends
with that badass.
That makes me badass.
Okay, badass.
Chop, chop!
Hi!
I'm Jasmine!
And I tell it
like it is!
Irie: Sweats, your feet!
It's my musk, man!
People don't
know it's a musk!
They don't
forget it either.
Irie: Hey where are you
guys taking that stuff?
I don't leave
for another week.
It's just my stuff.
You're not staying?
Do I look like I
would live here?
Well, you're
here a lot.
Jasmine: You know-
if he could just
hang on to a job-
he wouldn't even
have to move.
You would still, though.
He got a job!
Right.
Our best friend's
30 years old-
and still smells
like Play-Doh.
Tommy: Hey.
It's plasticine.
It's pro-Playdoh.
Hey swashbuckler!
Let's go play
dress-up!
(smacks hands)
(hip hop beats)
Irie: Maybe we should
wax your chest.
(Irie laughs)
Braids don't look
good on you man!
And blue is
not your colour!
(Tommy laughing)
Irie: That actually is
a pretty good look!
(men laughing)
Irie: Oh the
cutest couple!
Tommy: Don't
take one thing off!
(men laughing)
Irie: Now that's-
where blue should go!
Irie: You look like a
three-dollar pirate.
It's perfect!
(Tommy laughs)
(upbeat music)
(skateboard rolling)
(skateboard rolling)
Jennifer: All right!
So this should
be an easy one.
We're going
to the park first.
And then we go to
the kid's grandma.
Why doesn't this bus
have a bathroom?
Because it's like
public transit.
There are no cans.
It's a private
tour bus.
Like, we need
to get in costume.
Come dressed.
That's easy
for you to say.
It better be easy
for you to say too-
if you want to
keep a job here.
Here, work these pirate
words into your act.
I have dyslexia.
It's like the first-
and the last letter
are the same.
But everything else
in between is mixed up.
Every time?
Mostly.
So how would you
even know that?
Someone told me.
Okay.
I got it.
Also, that last pirate-
His costume was
super convincing.
Costume?
He was a
lunatic though.
-Yeah.
He thought
he dated me.
(quirky music)
Be ready in ten!
-Ahoy!
Oh boy.
Made in Canada.
Wow.
Allll RRRight!
(sword swooshing)
(horn beeping)
(kids cheering)
Whoahhhh!
Trouble in
the road ahead!
(growling) All right, surrender!
Or I'm taking
over this bus!
(kids scream and laugh)
Arrrrr you maties!
I'm taking
over the bus!
All you buckos better
stay safely in your seats-
and surrender your plunder!
You look stupid!
Tommy: No insults!
Probably never
even seen a dory.
I know all about
Finding Dory!
(kids groan)
Tommy: And
now it begins!
The Party Pirate Adventure!
No one goes home-
until you find
the treasure!
All right girl!
The birthday girl!
Show me your booty!
That's inappropriate!
Tommy: Oh!
God!
You're right!
Um-
the scroll!
Show me your scroll!
All right!
Read it!
It's a clue!
It's just words.
You read 'em.
No!
Pirates don't read!
(kids laugh)
Girl: We get out
of our car-
out of our truck.
The children can feed
a swan or a duck!
The rhyme is
in the next line.
Girl: It's always light
and never dark.
Every kid loves
a walk in the-
Tommy: We get
out of our car-
Out of our truck.
The kids can feed
a swan or a duck.
Muck?
It rhymes on
the next word.
Stuck?
No, stupid!
Tommy: Hey!
No insults!
Wait, I got it!
Kid: Snuck!
Truck!
Spruck! Spruck!
Kids: Spruck!
Is it Truck? Cluck!
Pluck!-Cuck!
No- what- my God!
I think my
Dad's a cuck!
No secrets!
f*ck!
(kids gasp)
Tommy: No, no,
definitely not!
Definitely not, okay?
It's always light
and never dark.
Every kid likes
a walk in the-
Clark? Park?
Kid: Park!
Tommy: Yes!
My God!
Finally!
I got this.
Tommy: Captain!
To the park!
(kids laughing)
Special delivery!
Tommy: What could
this possibly be?
Our next clue.
Tommy: Yes, it is.
Birthday girl!
You read it.
I start life
as a seed.
I'm shelter
from the sun
To those in need.
Cut me down
and I'm a log.
Crack off a branch to
play fetch with your dog.
I do not grow
very quick.
Some might say
I'm a big hard-
This'll be easy.
d*ck.
(kids gasp)
Tommy: Whoah.
No!
Okay, who wrote these?
A little chick?
You're so dumb!
No insults!
Who raised you?
Trick!
Bick, it's bick!
Frog frog frog frog frog
frog frog frog frog frog!
No, it's a tree!
A long hard stick
like a tree!
Like a tree
over there!
(kids screaming)
Girl: Yeah.
Sure.
I'm k*lling it.
(Tommy sighs)
Birthday girl: Ughh!
Tommy: Okay everyone
get up, get up, get up!
You okay?
Let her breathe.
You can read
the last clue.
No way.
You read it.
Oh.
We're going to
Grandma's house!
(kids screaming)
Girl: Oh my God!
This is a
birthday party!
Not a dumpster!
Boy: We found it!
Tommy: Come
get your gifts!
Come and get
your bags.
Boy: I want one,
I want one!
Girl: Oh my- !
Girl: I got a
water g*n!
Boy: No fair!
(boy laughs)
Nah, I'm good.
(Western showdown music)
I'm never having kids.
Tommy: Second gig today!
I'll have a car and
a bicycle in no time!
Jennifer: Be
back in ten.
Tommy: Okay.
That works.
Tommy: You guys
like piRRRates?
I RRRegret this!
You all look
like RRRubbeRRRR-
duckies!
I don't know what to say
to you guys anymore.
I'll just name
businesses, I guess.
ChapteRRRRRRS!
Toys ARRRRRe Us!
My favourite toy store!
RRRRehab
RRRehabilitation Centre!
OuRRRRRR Pleasure!
Canadian Sexual Health Store!
Jennifer: Hey!
No bad words!
Allll RRRight!
I RRResent my boss-
JennifeRRR!
All right.
You kids don't like
me, that's fine.
Do you guys
have paRRRents?
(boy yawning)
(kids screaming and laughing)
Tommy: Get off!
Get off me!
Boy: Tickle tickle!
Jennifer: Okay me duckies!
Everybody
off the bus!
Party's over!
Everybody off
of the pirate!
Bye bye!
Off the bus!
(Tommy moans)
(Jennifer chuckles)
Is every week
like this?
Just about.
Respect to
the other guy.
I heard some pretty
colourful language back here.
Yeah, those kids
were f*ck!
How would you like to
be spoken to like that?
I am!
All the time!
I'm taking mental notes.
Mental is
offensive to me!
Oh for God's sake.
Come on.
I've got a
new schedule.
Let's go get it.
Come on, let's go!
All right!
(Jennifer laughs)
Relax.
Jennifer: So we've
got a new schedule.
Word's getting around.
And we've got a
full deck next week.
Oh my God.
Are these all
$50 an hour?
Right?
And you get half the
tips if they like you.
Plus there's an
adult custom rate-
of a hundred bucks
an hour for this party.
Adult rate?
When is this?
Saturday morning.
By special request.
Oh my God.
I don't
have to like-
No Tommy.
Not if you
don't want to.
I don't want to.
Fine.
Well you were at the
kid's party last week.
So they probably want to
just shake it up a little.
(angelic harp)
Tommy: All right stragglers!
You've got to
get off the bus!
Party Mommy: Come on kids!
Get your booty bags
while you're out here!
Perfect, perfect.
Works every time.
My son is diabetic.
Oh, I'm sorry.
What are you
listening to there?
That's my insulin pump.
(Tommy laughs)
Does that run
in the family?
(woman laughs)
Who knew?
(angelic harp)
So, what do
you think?
(Tommy chuckles)
Tommy: So let me
get this straight.
They want to drive around
on the bus for a few hours?
And get drunk?
Almost.
A Fantasia party.
Is that the cartoon
with the broom?
People are into
some weird stuff.
It's a sex
toy thingy.
One of the moms is
a sales consultant.
I knew adults
still play with toys.
(Jennifer laughs)
You know, it's a party
where women get together.
And they trade dildos.
They trade dildos?
Mm-hmm.
Do they wash
them first?
They're dishwasher friendly.
Okay, that's so convenient.
Can you imagine if you
like ran out of like spoons-
and then your
nan's just like-
Get that out
of your mouth!
She's like, This is
my favourite spoon!
(Jennifer laughs)
Look.
Do you need
a phone?
Yeah.
This one only
kind of works.
Do you
need a car?
Yes.
Rest up!
You're right.
I'll do it.
(quirky music)
Don't die at 25-
and bury your
body at 70.
Man, these lines
aren't sticking.
This guy's a
total player.
And full of
this confidence.
And it's not coming
to you naturally?
Why don't you just like
record on your phone-
and have it played
back to you?
That usually works
for you sometimes.
The phone is broke.
It's busted.
(Irie chuckles)
Man, no phone.
No car.
No girlfriend.
That doesn't exactly
scream player to me.
This isn't helping.
You're stressing me out.
I've got to walk
through this.
Why not just
grab a beer?
-Are you ready
for this rookie?
I've been awake
my whole life.
Are you a man?
Or are you
a beast?
It's a jungle
out there.
And I'm a tiger.
Who am I kidding?
I'm just a
dish-b*tch.
(garbage clattering)
Jesus.
What is this-
October or something?
It's August.
Jobs.
Jobs.
-Well sex pirate,
here I come.
(funk music)
Back soon.
Don't go far.
I don't want to
lose you again.
-That was one time.
And I was distracted.
Yeah yeah.
You were slow.
I'm not slow.
I've got a disability.
It's called Central Auditory
Processing Disorder.
You lost me at
disability, bud.
You probably
have it too.
Have what?
Exactly.
You're one of us.
Except I can read.
I can read!
Really?
Stop!
Lucky.
What?
-I've got
something for you.
They want you to use this
instead of your sword.
The sword is my second
favourite part of this job.
Come on!
Pass it over.
Come on.
Fanty?
Gross.
Thank you.
There you go.
Oh my God!
Are you serious?
(Tommy laughs)
Oh Lord.
Who designed this mechanism?
It's Jurassic!
It looks as safe
as a traveling fair.
Please- you're insecure.
I'm not insecure.
With this, I can make your
mildest dreams come true.
Really?
Well let me tell you
something about that.
That's her favourite one.
So don't lose it.
This is her favourite?
-I know, right?
It's got foreskin.
It's like custom-made.
-And let me give you the
most important advice-
of your life.
Never lose a
woman's vibrator.
This is not
a vibrator.
Whatever- go to work.
-Her favourite-
so it's used.
-Have a Fantasia day!
Great.
We've got a moonlighter.
(bus engine starting)
Even when my
life gets better-
it still sucks.
(women giggling)
Oh!
Tommy: Ladies!
Women: Ooooh!
Let me introduce you to my
weapon of mass seduction!
(women laugh)
Oh hello Mister!
Are you a sailor-
or a pirate?
I'm a privates-teer.
(women laugh)
Ah yeah!
I'm kind of scared.
Party Mommy:
Don't worry, baby.
I'm not gonna lie.
You haven't seen
anything yet.
(women laugh)
What's up ladies?
Don't worry.
We'll take
care of you.
Perfect.
I'll take care of
you ladies too.
(women laugh)
This is not
a bad life!
(women laugh)
(women laughing)
You could be our
new town mascot.
What town
would have me?
Paradise.
Well, I do
have that.
Is there a bathroom?
Lots of bush here.
I can show
you a spot.
Yeah?
(woman peeing)
(wasp buzzing)
I should have
graduated high school.
(more wasps buzzing)
What is this?
They're all over the
place aren't they?
What the hell?
Why are they-?
Leave me alone!
You okay out there?
Air dry!
-Oh!
Leave me alone.
Hurry, if you can.
I'm getting-
Jesus Christ!
Hey there's a lot of wasps
around here right now.
You think this
is a game?
Oh my God!
Save yourself!
Ow ow!
For f*ck sakes!
(operatic female vocals)
For my love
Warrior and man
Rise up love
Take a stand
Fight on
Swords in hand
Wasps!
To fall in love-
Wasps!
with a broken man
Wasps!
(female soprano vocalizing)
Jennifer: Thank
you for coming.
Have a good night.
Hope you enjoyed yourself.
(woman chuckles)
Woman: I did.
Jennifer: I'm sure you did.
See you later ladies.
Great having you aboard.
Ohhh.
(ominous music)
Party Mommy: Let me
make it up to you.
Next week.
Private party.
Call me.
(Jennifer chuckles)
Mm-hmm.
Well, that was
one to remember.
Yeah.
She said you
can keep that.
Spoils of w*r.
(Jennifer laughs)
I thought you said
it was her favourite?
Right?
I've got to tell
ya Tommy-
You do things
your own way.
But you get
them done.
And the next
party's at one.
(Jennifer and Tommy laugh)
This is disgusting.
It's gross!
(kids playing)
Tommy: If you don't
know how to tie knots-
tie lots.
(kids laughing)
(kid growling)
Agggghhhh!
Listen to me!
(eye patch snaps)
Ow!
You're not a
real pirate!
-Are you kidding me?
Santa Claus isn't
real either you c**t!
(eye patch snaps)
Ow!
That hurts my soul!
Okay.
Who wants to
hit the piata?
Not you though.
You're a bully.
Hit it three times
and pass it on.
(banging on piata)
(lively accordian music)
Not too hard.
(Tommy laughs)
Yarrrr kiddo.
Whoah!
Who are you?
I'm the real pirate!
And if you
want to know-
where the real
treasure is buried-
hearken to me.
Head yonder to
the toy store matey.
Scour the ball pit.
There'll be gold!
Pirate gold!
Avast!
Go now, so ye
don't have to share!
Go now!
Stupid m*therf*cker.
(Tommy laughs)
Pirate duty will be mine
again in a jig time.
(Uriah chuckles)
(Tommy laughs)
(Jennifer clapping)
Jennifer: That's it kids!
Come on!
Time's up!
Be careful getting down.
Come on!
Good job!
Did you have fun?
Awesome!
One-two-three-
four.
Tommy?
Yeah?
We've got four
kids here.
We had five.
Where's Archibald?
Tommy you lost him!
Find him!
Come on kids.
Let's look for him.
Jennifer: Archibald!
Tommy: Archie!
Kids: Archibald!
Jennifer: Archibald!
Find him Tommy!
Tommy: Archie, come
on you little twerp!
Archie!
Jennifer: Archibald!
Thanks for coming
so fast, Ranger.
Kids!
I don't know
where he is.
We looked.
I mean he just
disappeared.
They were all
playing in the park.
And then
he was gone.
Any idea why the kid
may have run away?
(melancholy music)
I'll put out
a BOLO.
Thank you.
Tommy just go home.
All right?
I'll deal with this.
And you're done.
Jenn, I swear.
It wasn't my fault.
Tommy!
I cannot keep
you on here!
You lost a child!
It's policy!
I need this.
And you're going to have to
find your own way home.
I've got to stay here
and call parents.
Here.
Break a leg.
Tsk.
(Tommy sighs)
Tommy: No
bike for me.
God.
I'm going to have
to call Uriah back.
(funk music)
Oh
what do I know
Gets in my head
Aggghhhh!
Das what I said
Facetime.
Call Irie.
Phone: You'd like to
call Tendai Reena.
What?
No!
Never mind.
Irie: - were obtainable
right now to this-
the blue holes in the
middle of the ocean.
Everyone's on acid.
(phone chiming)
And well it's just us who
are like a group of three.
And when we start
doing the dive-
there's something that happens-
when you go really
deep under water.
It's called nitrogen narcosis.
It's like you literally get high
from the air you're breathing.
Tommy: Really?
Now?
(Tommy sighs)
You just gotta believe
Oh you gotta
believe in somethin'
Oh you gotta
believe in somethin'
Oh that's
bigger than you
Just gotta believe
Just gotta believe
It's coming true
Baby breaking it down
(horn honking)
(sploosh)
(birds chirping)
Don't you
want a chance
to get like that-
sh*t
(sploosh)
Aghhh noo!!
Oh- actually-
Wait.
I'm familiar
with this sh*t.
(blows)
Oh
What do I need
I know I don't
believe in you.
But send
me a ride!
(thunder claps)
Just gotta believe
Things come along
Shopkeeper: Club
soda and tonic.
And I'll put your
fruit together for you.
Don't you
want to jam
Just no,
and no, and-
(phone chiming)
Jasmine: Oh, uh-
excuse me for a second.
Sure.
Hello?
Jazz?
I need a ride.
It started pouring rain.
What number is this?
Can't the bus driver
take you home?
Long story.
Did you get
fired again?
It wasn't my fault.
(bar patrons laughing)
What was that?
Where are you?
I'm at work.
Work?
Can I come by?
I'll see you at
Irie's party okay?
(dial tone)
Jazz!
Sorry about that.
It's fine.
Shopkeeper: Hey!
Excuse-
Excuse me!
You owes
me a quarter!
I don't have it.
Ughh!
(ethereal music)
(rain falling)
-Mabel, my love.
I got your fruit
ready for ya.
On the blazing sun
the soldier rose
Dry those ashes boy
Ride your pony home
Just gotta believe
(funk music)
(shopping cart rattling)
Oh you gotta
believe in somethin'
Ooh and keep
movin' on
You're like a
rollin' stone
You gotta believe
You gotta believe
You're coming home
(rythmic ethereal synth)
(horn honking)
Ernie: Come on!
Well look
who I found!
Get in the front
seat man!
I'm not a taxi!
(Tommy sighs)
What are you-
dressed like that for?
(Tommy sighs)
Work.
(Ernie scoffs)
Not getting much business?
I don't know what
I'm doing with my life.
Sure look at you!
Dressed like a pirate!
I'm a disgrace
to the uniform.
Well, it suits you.
You were a disgrace
as my dishwasher.
It's only an apron.
Even that.
Wait.
Did you get fired?
Again?
(laughs)
Yeah!
I knew you'd
blow it!
Sure you're no actor!
That's not
what happened.
I got an amazing
new dishwasher!
Tips have tripled-
because of the
gleaming silverware!
Tripled?
Yeah!
Can I-
by chance-
Speak up a bit.
Would you consider-
I can't hear you.
Will you consider-?
Yeah, louder now.
Louder louder!
I need my rent!
(honking) Say it, Tommy!
I need my
job back!
Say it b'y!
I need my job back!
(Ernie laughs)
We'll see.
(car engine starting)
(funk music)
Ernie: I can only take
you this far, my ducky.
Tommy: What?
Get out now.
I got bingo.
You play Bingo
in this- ?
Wait- in this neighbourhood?
I once saw an old woman
stab another old woman-
with a bingo blotter.
And you knew
she meant it-
because she
gave it a twist.
That was me.
Really?
Sometimes I
wear a wig.
(Tommy sighs)
We'll see you
tomorrow night, Tom.
Yeah thanks.
Triple though.
If you works
for it, Tom.
We'll get you
to work Tom.
We'll see you
tomorrow buddy!
They'll be calling
my bingo tonight.
And it'll be work with
Tommy tomorrow night!
See you tomorrow buddy!
Oh yes I got you now
Tom, you old silly twat.
I got you now.
(car engine starting)
(funk music)
You're mine now Tommy-
Me old son
of a b*tch.
Jasmine: Thank you!
That was great.
I'll see you soon!
Director: You got it.
Don't slam the-
(door slams)
(door lock rattling)
You look nice.
You look- nuts.
How'd you get here?
I got a drive.
From who?
Ernie.
Oh.
Sometimes you just don't
know who your friends are.
You better
look both ways
both ways
Irie: Your dad's d*ck was
posted all over the internet.
Let me find myself
and take you home,
It's huge too!
long as you
both stay
Like thick foreskin
like sandpaper.
I swear to God!
You could polish
like a hubcap!
It's nuts!
I wish you
could see it.
You guys are here!
Hey, it's about time!
We already
took a few.
Hey, you guys got
to wake him up.
I can't do mushrooms
today man.
I got to view an
apartment later.
Just go tomorrow!
I got an audition
tomorrow.
It's the last time that we
can do them before I leave.
(Tommy sighs)
All right.
Irie: Yes b'y!
And-
you might learn
something about yourself.
Yeah, that's what
I'm afraid of.
Irie: Okay everyone-
it's Jasmine's first time.
Yeah.
Irie: When you're
high on mushrooms-
everything is more interesting.
Hopefully, your personality!
And time moves
a lot slower.
That's not good.
Irie: Okay come
on, let's go!
(foosball rattles)
(background chatter)
All right, we've
got mushrooms-
a pinch of Molly-
prescription ketamine.
Isn't that for horses?
-Yeah.
(background chatter)
Here you go.
Irie: Like mix in as many
different chemicals as you can
on top of it.
Really gives it
a clean high.
Jasmine: You're the
one without a job!
Tommy: Yeah but
I have a license!
(friends laughing)
Irie: Oh dude!
You're just in time!
Gonna really f*ck
up your stomach.
Like you're going
to feel weird.
Jasmine: You guys
are degenerates.
Irie: Nah, we're
just regular folks-
doing regular things!
Tommy: Yeah!
(Irie chuckles)
Yeah.
About 45 minutes.
Yeah.
It's so bad.
A little class clown
and I was smooth with ladies
A substitute teacher had
me drooling on my papers
The cool kid, like to act
the fool. Momma's baby.
Kinda rude, no playa.
Hooping? Oh, daily.
But the standard that I
set for me was dumb high.
So now when they ask,
what's the plan I say NUNYA!
Bet Cha Man Can't
(Jasmine gasps)
little man, BIG PUN YA
So it's in my hands
(psychedelic sitar)
(friends giggling)
Tommy: I feel like
everything is breathing.
Especially the ceiling.
Should I be scared?
No.
Can I stick
with you?
Why don't you stick with
your director friend-
with the fancy car?
Sorry sorry.
What the hell is that
supposed to mean?
I don't know.
I'm sorry.
I'm okay, I'm okay.
(phone chimes)
(Jasmine sighs)
Tommy, you good man?
Yeah I'm just like-
I'm just a
little tight-
or something.
Oh.
Is this about
the rent?
You're good?
You got
a job now?
Yeah I
lost the job.
I lost a kid.
(Jasmine chuckles)
A full blown kid!
(Jasmine and Irie laugh)
You're not helping.
Sweats: Actually-
it was only
half a kid.
(they laugh)
(Irie chuckles)
Irie: No I don't even
want to think about that.
(electrical buzzing)
(electrical buzzing)
Clay Tommy: Tommy.
We're an idiot.
No we're not.
We are though.
We are illiterate.
No I'm not.
Name one thing that
we haven't failed at.
I'm a good pirate.
We got fired!
Pirates can't get fired.
-You lost a kid!
That wasn't my-
fault?
Everybody makes mistakes.
Ughhhh.
(Tommy sighs)
I'm a good pirate.
Mm-mmm.
Wha-?
Huh?
I'm not you anymore.
I've grown up.
(Tommy sighs)
I'm a f*cking pirate!
I'm a f*cking pirate!
I'm a f*cking pirate!
The drugs are working.
Tommy: I gotta
get outta here!
Where's my sword?
And my phone?
I'll take that too.
Irie: Oop,
we should go.
Jasmine: Is he okay?
(Tommy chuckles)
Tommy: I'm okay,
I'm okay, I'm okay.
Okay okay okay okay
(Tommy laughing)
(soft music)
(swooshing)
Is anyone else
getting visuals?
Yeah.
(phone chiming)
Jennifer: Tommy,
answer the phone.
Jennifer, not the time.
All right, followers!
Follow me now!
A white Snoop Dog.
Moon walk on water
with steel-toed boots on!
I've never felt so
f*cking good in my life!
We've got to do
this more often!
Who's Cliff?
Relatable.
What am I supposed
to be feeling like?
-Better now that
we're outside.
You should feel like you're
laughing without laughing.
Right.
-And then when
you're laughing-
you're expanding.
I don't want
to expand.
-No no no.
It's really cool.
It's really cool.
I can feel my
hair growing.
Same!
(Tommy laughs)
Ah this is
so good.
I love life.
I feel the best I've ever
felt in my life I think.
(Jasmine sighs)
I can hear-
my heart!
(Tommy sighs)
Jasmine: Hey!
Is that a pirate?
No, I'm the pirate.
I'm right here.
Can you see me?
Jasmine: Huh.
Visuals.
Yeah.
Mind playing tricks.
Irie: Picasso.
I feel amazing.
Yeah me too.
But I am feeling
a little cold.
Oh I got
your jacket.
I feel like nothing bad can
possibly happen to any of us.
You!
(lively accordian)
(Tommy laughs)
Is he real?
Irie: I think maybe
he's a mirage.
(Tommy chuckles)
(dramatic percussion)
Yeah, he's real.
He's real.
(friends laugh)
Uriah: You're the
reason my life-
was torn asunder.
(Tommy laughs)
You're the reason the
bobbies are after me!
You pillaged my woman
and my livelihood.
The police?
(friends laugh)
You're a lowly
shell of a man-
and a petty excuse
for a captain!
(Jasmine laughs)
You're that drunken
loser I replaced.
(Uriah stammers)
There's no replacing Uriah-
King of the Party Pirates!
I'm pretty high.
But I can
take this guy.
No no no!
Let me take him!
Tommy: I think-
this is personal.
Have at me!
(Jasmine laughs)
(Tommy giggles)
Jasmine: I don't even
think he's real!
(sword swooshing)
(swords clang)
(swords clang)
Uriah: Arrrrrr!
(Tommy giggles)
Uriah: No no!
You don't laugh!
What are you
laughing about?
That was like a
deep serious wound!
If I left you here
you'd bleed out!
Like no!
That's not how
this works man!
Okay, I cut you
and you're cut!
Oh okay.
Uriah: Okay,
no never mind.
You have that one.
We start again.
Start again.
(pirates grunting)
(swords clanging)
(pirates groaning)
(Tommy laughs)
(Uriah laughs)
(sword slicing)
(guts squelching)
(Uriah sputtering)
(the friends laugh)
You got him!
(Uriah groans)
Irie: Guts everywhere!
(guts squelching)
Wait!
I got them
back in!
I got them
back in!
My guts
are back in!
It's only a little
flesh wound!
I've had way worse!
You get one,
I get one man!
Ahhhhhh!
(Jasmine laughs)
(quirky accordian)
Arghh!
(pirates grunt)
Irie: Tommy!
I've got an oar!
Tommy: Jesus Christ!
(Tommy wheezing)
(Uriah groans)
Uriah: I didn't know.
I didn't know we'd be
doing all this running man.
I thought we'd just be
swashbuckling and-
not like cartwheels-
and this slashing-
scallywagging,
job-stealing stuff.
That's not for the-
It's not for the
faint of spirit.
It's not for the
lilly-livered.
Is it, coward?
Is it?
(female operatic soprano)
For my love
Warrior and man
Battle calls
Swords in hand
Fight on
I'll be damned
to fall in love
(swords clanging)
with a broken man
(soprano operatic vocalizing)
You just
brought a knife-
to a duel!
(toy knife clicking)
As I was saying-
you just
brought a knife-
to a dildo fight.
(sword swooshes)
(dildo squelches)
(Uriah gasps)
It looks
stronger now!
(loud smack)
(Uriah groans)
I've been c*ck-wobbled
by better men than you!
(loud crack)
(Uriah grunts)
Tommy: Unmoor the vessel!
(quirky accordian)
Jump aboard!
There's a key!
I see it!
Take this!
Pull out!
Jazz, start the engine!
Pull out!
Wait!
Tommy: Pull out!
That's not fair!
This is not over!
I'm coming for ya!
Jasmine: You did it!
We did it.
Irie: Yeah guys!
(Tommy laughs)
I'm not afraid
of the water!
I'm not!
I can swim!
(Uriah groans)
B'ys-
Welcome aboard my vessel.
Jasmine: Here, take this.
My adult son Tommy-
is finally
becoming a man!
(Tommy laughs)
Wait.
So what does
that make me?
I don't know.
Like a cousin
or something?
You're ruining the moment.
(glasses clink)
(Jasmine chuckles)
(soft guitar music)
You're a pirate!
Irie: How long are we
going to be out here for?
Tommy: Until that
psycho tires himself out.
I'm a genie!
I make my dreams
come true!
Genies make
wishes come true-
for other people.
Yeah, that too.
(anchor chain rattling)
(water splashing)
Jasmine: I found
some snacks.
I found some seats.
Irie: Boats are
kinda nice, eh?
Well, this is
Elias' Fave!
Should be nice.
Yeah boats are
kind of like-
floating living rooms.
Yeah you could totally
do a podcast out here.
I don't want to hear anything
about podcasts right now.
Why not?
You're a white guy
who thinks he's funny.
I am funny.
What are you
talking about?
It's a child's moon!
Irie: See that's not
a moon or a star.
See in 1943-
there was a stalemate all
over the Eastern Front.
And everyone-
I mean everyone-
was looking for a
weapon to break it.
That's a solar-
powered death ray.
And see- that's what
the self-driving cars are.
It's more surveillance-
so they can
watch us.
Each little bit is taking
away some of your freedom.
Then they started
upgrading them.
Here's the deal.
I want to
be with you.
And you want
to be with me.
Wait- what?
You do?
I do, but-
you-
me-
Okay.
I know I make
it hard sometimes.
I'm trying.
And I'm gonna
keep trying.
(Irie rambles incoherently)
As long as you can
tolerate this odd mistake.
I'm gonna
still f*ck up.
But I'm gonna keep
on working on it.
What do you say?
Girls do love
a bare minimum.
I've just never felt
like this before.
Really?
Seriously.
I like that.
And that's why you
shouldn't get a cell phone!
(Tommy sighs)
Jesus.
Come sit down!
Irie: Yeah.
Give me some candy.
Here, move over.
What are you doing?
I don't know.
Thank you.
I hate you guys.
Shh.
They're listening to us.
Tommy: Who?
Who?
Jennifer: We've been everywhere.
We've looked right
through this park.
I've gone through
all the trails.
What a crappy
party this is!
I got nothing!
Just hang
on a second.
And I cannot-
Oh my God!
This is him!
This is the kid!
Archibald, where
have you been?
The other pirate
was a liar!
There wasn't any
treasure at the toy store!
Ranger: Another pirate told you
to go wait at the toy store?
Yeah, and he was a
total d*ck and a liar!
And he smelled like
the same rum as my Dad!
Uriah!
What- you know
who did this?
Yes.
I'll send you his picture
and his information later.
All right then, thanks.
-Man, poor Tommy.
I owe you one.
You stay with me.
We're going
back to the bus.
Come on.
You scared us
all really bad.
Let's go.
Good Lord!
(Tommy cooing)
(Jasmine laughing)
(Tommy cooing)
Tommy: I'm telling you-
the transition from
land to buoyancy-
is beautiful.
It's like the water
is flirting with us.
Oh yeah?
What's she saying?
I think she wants
to know your name.
I could
take a dip.
(Tommy laughs)
You would.
Tommy: What is that?
Looks scary.
It's sick.
Grab the binoculars.
(dramatic percussion)
Oh nice.
I can't
make it out.
Irie: Let me see.
Here you go.
(eerie music)
Huh!
It's that old pirate.
Pirate!?
Jasmine: Calm down.
How are we supposed
to calm down right now?
Stay cool man!
Tommy: Cool?
I'm not cool!
I'm never cool!
I'm not cool,
this is not cool!
Nothing I've ever
done is cool!
Jasmine: Okay, you were
the coolest
I've ever seen you
when you jumped
this ship!
We stole the boat!
We commandeered the boat!
This is a
stolen boat!
It's a stolen boat!
You got this man,
you got this!
Tommy: Really?
Jasmine: B'ys come on,
let's get this anchor!
Tommy: He's getting closer!
I can't win
against him twice!
Irie: We cannot find
this anchor, homey!
Tommy: He's gonna beat the
living sh*t out of me this time!
He's going
to k*ll us!
It's not even
that f*cking deep!
How the f*ck did it go
all the way down there?
Tommy: Come
on, come on!
Seriously, come on!
How'd he get
that sick boat?
Cut the f*cking rope
or something!
Come on!
Quick quick!
Don't saw it,
cut the rope!
Hello, what can I
do for you, fine sir?
Irie: He looks pissed!
Prepare to be
boarded!
Tommy: Except that!
(lively accordian music)
(Uriah grunts)
Uriah: Ah, me hat!
I'm the pirate now!
Yarrrrrrr!
Yarrrrr!
(Uriah screams)
(oar clatters)
(Clay Tommy whistles)
(bell dings)
Tommy: Oh!
(bell dings)
I see now!
(bell rings)
(accordian music)
(Uriah growls)
Tommy: Stop stop!
I'm trying to f*cking help
you you f*cking lunatic!
Uriah: Aghhh!
Tommy: You can
have Jennifer!
(knife slicing)
I said you
can have her!
Jasmine: Yeah
he's got me now!
Tommy: He
gave it a twist!
Jennifer: It's spurting!
It's spurting!
Irie: Put something in it!
What are we
going to do?
What about that?
No that's not
going to work!
That's not
going to work!
Tommy: No?
Jennifer: No this
isn't going to work!
Tommy: What about this?
Irie: No!
Jennifer: Get
out of here, no!
Tommy: How is
that a better idea?
Oh yeah,
I got this!
Yes!
Yeah, put it in!
All right!
It's not going in!
Ughhhh!
Not like that,
not like that!
What do you mean?
Be more gentle!
How?
I don't know,
spit on it!
(Tommy spits)
What the-?
All right, let's go!
Aghhh!
Just a little deeper!
Jennifer: Squeeze!
Squeeze!!!
All right.
Tommy: Yeah
that's definitely-
(Irie sighs)
What just happened?
Ah, we'll talk about
it in the morning.
(bell dings)
Slowly losing grip
now I'm losing friction
Need a little slip
to fill my addiction
Push me to the edge
now I'm moving different
Used to see clearly
now I got
blurred vision
(Uriah blubbering)
You have a
lot of skills!
There's a lot about
me you don't know.
It seems that way.
Irie: You know what happens
when you do mushrooms?
Tommy: Yeah.
Unfortunately, you come
down off mushrooms.
Irie: I'm feeling
a come-down-
right now.
Me too.
What did I do?
You stole a boat.
Tommy: Oh my God.
I did.
Oh my God.
And you saved
that boat!
I did, I did.
Jasmine: Now you have
to face the consequences.
We're going
to go to jail!
This is terrible!
Irie: No you
didn't hear me.
You stole a boat!
Tommy: What?
We just
got on it.
What do you mean?
What do I mean?
Look at you!
We can't afford
to lose our jobs!
Yeah!
You're gonna
need us-
to still have
those jobs!
So I'm a
kidnapper as well?
Your grandmother
is a c**t!
Irie: That's
what pirates do!
This is so bad!
Nah.
You're just a pirate.
So are you.
And so are you!
f*ck it!
I'm a beast!
(Tommy howls)
(Jasmine and Irie howl)
(they all howl)
(they all howl)
(Tommy sighs)
I should probably
take us in.
Don't get me wrong
It's mostly my fault
Mostly my fault
Baby I'm sorry
I am to blame
I did you wrong
Forgive me for
my sins oh baby
Ah f*ck.
I am so sorry
please forgive me
Guess I'm tryna say
I didn't mean for
it to be this way
Who's at the
hull there?
Can you see
who it is?
Who goes fishing
at night?
These guys.
(gum clacking)
I got this.
You got to be
f*cking kidding me!
I should kick
your arse!
You little as*h*le!
Now take off
my safety vest!
Jesus is that
my jacket?
Tommy: Yes, sorry.
Irie: Hey man.
Chill out!
This clown!
He's a pirate!
Tommy: What's your name?
Captain: Power.
Captain Power.
Tommy: Captain Power,
we only stole your boat-
because we were
trying to flee-
a much better dressed
pirate than me.
Captain: Yeah well-
you set that bar
pretty low, hey?
Tommy: He was
chasing after us-
with a knife.
And honestly, like-
you left the keys
in the boat.
That's kind
of your fault.
And we kind of
did you a favour-
by saving your boat.
You expect
me to believe
that you did me a favour
by stealing my boat?
I would hope so.
(spits)
And in our defense, we
were high on mushrooms.
So you know-
Irie: Hey,
Moby the d*ck!
Jasmine: That's Uriah!
He's the one who
punctured your boat!
(Uriah groans)
Fisherman: I'll
call the cops.
And we
plugged it up.
Um-
do you know where
to get any more?
What?
Shrooms?
Yeah we have like-
how much do
we have left?
Irie: We've got
like three grams.
We have three
grams left.
All right.
You give
them to me.
And I won't
tell the cops.
Okay!
All right, carry on!
Go on!
And I hope you learned
your lesson young man!
Yes, thank you!
Okay, come on.
We got crabs
to catch!
Tommy: That's the way
Newfoundland works!
We're the most nicest,
most understanding people-
of all time.
Try and find that
in Louisiana.
Dude, they're pretty
nice out there.
I guess.
(siren wailing)
Officer!
Officer!
Reckless endangerment,
right down there.
Guys.
I got a friend
request.
It's Captain Power.
(they laugh)
Jasmine: No way!
Dude, we got to go
on that boat again.
Yeah.
Mushrooms are the best.
Ah what an
awesome day.
What are you doing?
I'm going to
get my steps in.
You are dedicated.
You have no idea.
Hey hey!
Can you give us a
ride to the road?
Okay thank you.
All right, get your
fat a*s in here.
Yeah.
(Tommy bangs on truck)
You want a lift?
I'm good.
You sure are.
Pathetic!
I'm trying my best.
Unfortunately,
that is your best.
(phone pings)
(they laugh)
No way!
(phone chimes)
Hey Jennifer.
Jennifer: Come on
back, it was Uriah.
Yeah I know.
He tried
to k*ll me.
-Archie's mom booked a
full moon party next week.
Next week?
-Yeah.
Yeah, I'm ready
for anything.
-You better be.
Bye!
(uplifting music)
I'm here.
Period.
I'm here- comma- beautiful.
Jasmine: Hey.
You're up!
No I'm good, actually.
Really?
How do I look?
Best kind!
Just be yourself.
Come on,
you got this.
Thanks.
And there
is your mark.
X marks the spot.
Okay before we begin-
do you have
any questions?
Yeah is there anything about
the character I need to know-
that's outside
of the sides?
Because the last time
I had an audition-
it was sh*t.
Yes it was!
I remember you!
It was sh*t, yes!
Indeed!
Well let me
tell you-
this guy, okay-
this guy signals
our plot turn.
He's the boss okay?
And he knows it.
He isn't afraid
of anything.
I'm ready.
And he knows how
to handle a boat.
I'm your guy.
All right, give us
what you got.
Jasmine: Okay.
We are rolling.
Any time.
Hi.
I'm Tommy Lawrence.
Uh
I can't focus man
No attention span
Searching for my phone
and it's right
in my hand
Damn, lost my keys
in the fridge again
Ah ha
About to go
on a rant, luh
Something I
need to do
When I was
a young buck-
I used to type
my thoughts out
On a keyboard that
was unplugged
For hours
However I had to
get sh*t offa my chest
Stress levels
through the roof
So I needed
to vent
All day thoughts speeding
through my head
So I
rambled a lot
My brain works too
fast so my words get
Scrambled a lot
I'm like, bro, I have
something important to do
Get distracted and
lost and that sh*t
Just winds up
to the side
like some jack
in the box
Hey, I'm Pat Stay
Mr. Scatterbrain
Captain Procrastinate
Mr. Ooh-that-random-business
-idea-sounds-great
Taxes'll
have to wait
Bedroom's a cesspool of dirty
clothes and stacks of plates
Unorganized,
can't prioritize
Got a
meeting at 10
won't even leave
the door until 9:45
Definitely not
a normal guy
but what's
a normal guy?
Wouldn't want
to be him,
sounds like
a boring time
Tuh, A-D-D g*ng sh*t
Little high strung
but we're the funnest
people to hang wit'
Pure entertainment
Doc suggests more medication
Well f*ck
that sh*t bro,
embrace it
Luh, them sh*t
snatch your life
No appetite,
up half the night
But hey you'll f*ck' clean
the house fast as light
Ooh, turn into
Mr. Swiffer Man
Real focus,
50 methagram
sh*t be
spic n' span
And you know I
was hustling, man
Shlanging ' em to the students
at school when they had exams
You know,
You buy my
Aderrall up
I add 'er
all up
Payday for me,
Straight A's for you
Happy as f*ck
Luh, off on a
tangent again
Randomly rambling again
Perfect example I guess
Know what's real
funny though...
Damn I forget
Scatterbrain
Off in the daze,
lost in the maze
Chasing butterflies
in my mind all day
Lost in the maze,
off in the daze
Dang
f*cked up what I
was supposed to say
Said I'm off
in the daze,
lost in the-
tangent again
Randomly rambling again
Perfect example I guess
Know what's
real funny though...
Damn I forget
Scatterbrain
Off in the daze,
lost-
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Party Pirate (2023)
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