02x09 - Federal Slumber Party

[bunniefuu]

Hold all my... Whoa!

[laughing]

♪ Boss Baby ♪

♪ I'm the boss
Dial in to the meeting ♪

♪ Everybody here
Please, find your seating ♪

♪ While you're teething
I'm sinking my teeth in ♪

♪ First one to show
So I can do all my greeting ♪

♪ Profits, payrolls, and pacifiers ♪

♪ I make friends
I love you, you're hired ♪

♪ So come on and raise
Your juice boxes skyward ♪

♪ Boss babies until we retire ♪

-♪ Boss Baby ♪
-♪ Tell them who this is ♪

-♪ Boss Baby ♪
-♪ I'm a legend, mythic ♪

-♪ Boss Baby ♪
-♪ Can a baby get a witness? ♪

♪ Grab a high chair
This the family business ♪

♪ Boss Baby ♪

Tabby-Tab, tamago sando with wasabi mayo.

Arigato, Popper-doo.

Woo-hoo!

Still in your jammies.
And I need to wash those today.

Thanks, Mommy. Careful with
the applesauce I'm saving in my pocket.

[toilet flushing]

-Sports section.
-Appreciate it.

Reworked your priority list of
client to-dos to weed out inefficiencies.

You're worth every stock option
we give you instead of a salary.

-Tina.
-Daddy, this is your timer.

When the robot goes off,
you get back to work,

and stop arguing about
monster movie rankings on social media.

-But what if--?
-Even if the lists are still wrong.

-Okay, love you.
-Love you.

-Love you.
-Love you.

I prefer to express my feelings
once a year with checks on your birthdays.

[doorbell ringing]

Come on, I rang the bell three times.

-Benji?
-Uncle Benji?

What up? I'm sorry.
Y'all about to go to work.

Hold up, was Tina just...?
And who's the other baby?

-We just found him.
-Zoo orphan.

We just found him at the zoo,

where he was orphaned.

Uh, hippo involvement.
Tragic story. Very sad. Not at all weird.

See? Everything has a normal explanation.

I would have prepared you
if I had any idea you were coming.

From Dallas.

To my house.

Unannounced.

Surprise.

You don't announce surprises.

Where do I put this?

Oh, you're, uh, staying over?

-Uh-huh.
-He's family.

That gives him the right to show up at
your house and expect you to take him in?

Oh, realized it as soon as I said it.

Tell him to come
when we're less successful.

We got a backlog of clients,
and zero time for funcle drop-ins.

Hang on, Daddy and Mommy are on it.

We'd normally spruce the place up
before a long-term visit.

Daddy sets up the gentle excuses,
then Mommy drops the hammer.

You really need to call first.

There's just no way--

I told you, you don't announce.
Surprise number two:

Say what up, Lily "Lil Bit" Guerrero.

[all] Aw!

Oh, my goodness,
that is an adorable child.

[squeals] Cousin!

Come in with your daddy, you angel
dropped from heaven's pumpkin patch.

I hate her.

Whoa, that was primal.

You're not coming in?

What about Tina?

Also unavailable, and slightly unhinged.

Okay, but if you're both stuck at home,

who's in charge here?

I don't know. You?

[panting]

No, no, no!

Okay, not you. Pip?

Finally.

Everyone, line up in order

of how many caterpillars
you can fit in your mouth without puking.

-I will be verifying this.
-We'll be there as soon as we can.

Work down the priority client list
Tabitha put together.

Pinging it to you.

[speaking Spanish]

Tía Carol has to go to work.

Stay here, be good,

like you could ever
be anything else in your perfect life.

One more kiss.

Tina, could use your help
figuring out this work situation.

On a scale of
the noise the fridge makes at night

to the devil in human skin,
how evil would you say you are?

Hey, Lil Bit.
Fun nickname. May I call you Lily?

What your cousin meant to ask is,

we're exceptionally busy,
so do us a solid?

Throw a teensy tantrum,
convince Daddy to stay in a hotel?

[cooing]

[groans] She's preverbal.

No excuse for being mommy-stealing cute.

She's not stealing anything.

What are you, couple months old?
You can't answer yet?

[babbling]

Too young for baby language skills.
Probably not even crawling yet.

Still in her "cute lump" phase.

Let's see if Tabitha can slip us out--
[shouts]

Did that big man yelp
come from your orphan zoo baby?

[babbles]

Uncle Benji, did that sound
like a noise a baby would make?

And "orphan zoo baby" sounds so formal.
You can just call him Teddy.

Like your brother?

What a weird coincidence
that never occurred to me.

Let's do activities.

[Tim] Hoo-hoo! Double deuces.

Um, I put two more hornets
in your honey hive.

You'll wanna try for a thermoball defense.

So he just embezzles
a bunch of money from his own company,

and disappears?

That's so boss.

Why would you say Boss?

Daddy's got Benji distracted.

Let's bail for the office.

Wait. This isn't right.
Board games are your dad's element.

Why's he so jittery?

He senses something.

And you have no idea where he is?

Nope. Because why would I?

Where is anyone, really?

No, no. I know that tone. He's panicking.

Tim's never been good
at lying to authority figures.

What authority figure?

Uncle Benji's the family goof.

Mom says he'd pass gas
into balloons and pop them at weddings.

Maybe he's just a fan of crime.

And you, what's your part in all this?

[babbling]

He never calls?

Never even writes a postcard
to his own family?

You're just gonna
leave your hive undefended?

Look at the flop sweat on that man.

It's like his forehead
is making its own gravy.

Come on, Dad, flip it around on him.

"Why so many questions?"

Why so many questions?

Excuse me?

Yes.

Ha! Timmy's got the fire now.
Keep pressing.

I mean, I could just as easily ask you

why your baby is so adorable.

Now we get to the real issues.

Her mom's a professional food model.

Posing with chicken nuggets and whatnot.
Doesn't hurt.

You don't think it's odd
you come in here, a guest in our home,

and ask a bunch of questions
about somebody you've never met?

Is...? Is that odd?

So tell me, Benj.

What's your deal?

Honest gospel, bro-law?

I got my application turned in
to join federal law enforcement.

-[gasps]
-Oh, no.

[stammering] Federal law enforcement, huh?

Those are, uh,
some real authority figures.

[laughs nervously]

And I figured tracking down
your fugitive bro gets me hired for sure.

Get him out!

You don't think
that'll look more suspicious?

Hook me up, Tim-bro. You know something.

I can feel it.
I got crime sense. It's going...

[whooping and beeping]

Uh... Uh-huh.

Watch your daddy work.

Tim's gonna crack.

You're restating the problem.
We need solutions.

I don't have solutions, just problems.

Milk me.

Uh, pardon?

Fridge. Milk. In my mouth. Do it.

No breaks, no burps.
Just plug me in, and tip the jug.

When's the last time
you saw Theodore Templeton?

Like, as Theodore Templeton?

That's a peculiar way of saying things,
don't you think, Lil Bit?

Please don't look into my soul.
It can't withstand your gaze.

-Talk!
-[shouts]

[Benji laughing]

Just messing with you.

-Talk!
-[shouts]

[door opens]

Tina, is there something you need?

Oh, my goodness! Tina.

Honey.

-Yo, dude.
-Tina.

All mopped up.

Give it a couple hours
to air out the curdle.

Thanks. Hey, where's your brother?

You came to try and trick information
out of Tim that he doesn't even have.

-I gotta get this job.
-With the feds? Dude, I know you.

You'd hollow out watermelons at picnics
and fill them with mice.

I'm a dad now. She's judging me
as a role model and provider.

Give me. Oh!

You tell your daddy there's no judgment
in this perfect little bulldog puppy face.

[Tina] Overrated.

-Shh.
-The people gotta know.

We finally got a moment's peace.
Could you not blow it?

I'm trying to keep a low profile.

And you, ready to fold like
New York's inferior pizza slices.

-He's practically a federal agent.
-Hmm. Applicant.

And that baby, she's so pure.

I can tell she knows all my sins.

We should get rid of her.

Not permanently.

Just forever.

[speaking Spanish]

Oh, Tina-Beana.

I know what it's like
to have some tiny cute thing come in

and suck up all the attention.

And then again a few decades later
if you play your cards wrong.

But there is absolutely nothing
for you to be jealous of.

Promise?

I promise.

Mommy's just excited to
be cuddling a normal baby for a change.

-What?
-Dad.

-Come on, man.
-What?

No, no, I just meant,

you guys talk,
and read spreadsheets, and...

I think that's great.
And Mommy does, too, of course.

[JJ] Sir, should I call back later?

Yes, do business.

Sorry about that, JJ.
And we would love to do business.

But we can't until we get
that junior G-man wannabe off our butts.

[Carol] Ugh. Just give it up, Benji.

You won't find big businessman
Theodore Templeton at our house.

Just enjoy this as a family visit,
from your own hotel room,

and drop it.

I can't. I need this.

Why?

I just...

I gotta make something
of myself Lil Bit can be proud of.

There's the weak mushy part we can poke.

How many client problems
are left from Tabitha's list?

[JJ] All of them.

You let Pip think he was in charge.

Really messed the kid up.

Arr! She's a sturdy whaling vessel.

Should bring us
many a haul of fine-toothed baleen.

That's okay.
A big to-do list is good for us.

What are we thinking? How many times
do I fire Lil Bit out of a circus cannon?

We play this right,
we take care of all our problems.

It's time we expand the family business.

Aw. Boop!

That's the button
for the sweetness machine.

Boop, boop, boop, boop.

Oh! And it never turns off.

-Can I have my baby back?
-No.

Oh, my gosh, babies.

That's it.

You wanna show your baby
you're a fighter for justice?

Like a good citizen should!
What's wrong with my voice?

That was confessed
in private with my sister, but yeah.

So, what better way
than fighting for justice for babies?

You got a lot
of baby-specific injustices in this town?

A baby's whole life
is one injustice after another.

Come on.

[babbling]

You see that? Flagrant line-cutting.

Just because babies are easy to ignore,
they don't have rights?

[Benji] Hey.

Benji Guerrero, federal applicant.

Nobody cuts little dude on my beat.

Uncle Benji, you were amazing.

And I think Lil Bit totally agrees.

Yeah? All right, what else you got?

A thoroughly researched list.

[blows raspberry]

I don't think so, punk.

[whining]

[giggling]

With no trial, huh?

[crying]

You're a hero, Uncle Benji.

Who needs a job
in federal law enforcement?

Not me, anymore.

I've never seen Lil Bit look at me
with more pride than she has now.

I can't thank you enough.

I can't thank you enough
for staying at a hotel instead of here.

Uh, because it's great
for the local economy.

One more snug?

We'll pop by tomorrow.

Ah, don't sweat.
Just a regular family visit.

[helicopter approaching]

[siren wailing]

[tires screeching,
car doors opening and closing]

Is Benjamin Guerrero present?

Sup?

[all] ♪ Opa, opa, opa ♪

♪ You did it
You did it ♪

♪ Opa, opa, opa ♪

♪ Here's your shades
Here's your badge ♪

♪ Opa, opa, opa ♪

♪ You're now a federal agent ♪

The song makes it official.
We are legally required to perform it.

[all blowing party horns]

Did you plan this?

This jury needs no evidence,
and finds Lil Bit guilty.

[Brown] Mr. and Ms. Templeton?

Agent Brown, federal agent.
May we come in?

Sure. Why would we have anything to hide?

My brother's a fugitive.
I won't keep that from you.

The bureau is aware
of your family connection.

Tonight we're only here
to celebrate our newest agent.

Uh, you sure? Him? You guys know what--?

We know about
his wedding toot balloons and mice melons.

The bureau knows everything.

I didn't notice
they undercharged me for radishes.

The kid who rang me up was new.
I didn't want to get him in trouble.

We were initially skeptical
of Agent Guerrero's application.

h*, h*! Agent Guerrero.

But we were impressed
by his recent innovations

in serving justice
to the baby-toddler demographic.

Wow, double thanks, Tabitha.

Yes, thank you, Tabitha.

It was your idea.

Great, so it's your turn.
Get me away from these agents.

I'm in a tiger cage wearing a meat diaper.

You gotta meet the family.
This is my Lil Bit. Say what up.

-Hello.
-Adorable.

-Hello.
-You already met Carol and Tim.

-Pleasure.
-Hi.

Best nieces in the world,
Tabitha and Tina.

Hi.

And this is the zoo orphan
they took in after a hippo incident.

His name's Teddy.

His parents were exiled European royalty
who changed identities

to save the life of their child and heir.

-Why?
-Excellent question for another time.

Ms. Templeton is right.

We're here to welcome Agent Guerrero
in the traditional bureau style.

All-night federal agent slumber party!

-Yay!
-What?

Whoo! Yeah.

Doing each other's hair took 1.7 minutes.

What now?

Truth or dare?

If I had to kiss a dog,
the one from the pet shampoo commercials.

-He's gotta smell amazing.
-[agent] True.

You can't write that on a cake.
I'm not allowed at that bakery.

-True.
-I swear.

That's what the tattoo guy said
it meant in Latin.

His Holiness was cool about it,
but that was my most embarrassing moment.

Also true. Your turn, Mr. Templeton.

I choose dare.

[both singing "Funiculì, Funiculà"]

He doesn't seem as nervous.
That's good, right?

No, this is bad.
I've known your dad a long time.

Loosen that man up with some dancing,
he blabs all his secrets.

I don't like the direction

that game of Draw Funny Disguises
on the Fugitive is going.

Ha! He looks hilarious without hair.

He's probably not eating very healthy.

-Make the cheeks chubbier.
-[shouts]

Shut it down.

On it.

Whoa!

Hi, sorry, everyone.
Been a heck of a party.

But as you can see, we got babies.

So maybe we wanna wind things down?

Call it a night?

[speaking Italian]

She's right.

I mean, did anyone stop
to think about this porcelain cherub?

Okay, you don't gotta spread it
with a frosting knife.

I feel ashamed.

How could we, as agents of justice,

be so unjust in our merrymaking?

No problemo, we'll gather
your party and lie-detecting supplies.

Tim? Tabitha?

Instead of noisily carousing,

we should celebrate Agent Guerrero
the way he impressed us.

By solving an injustice against a baby.

-Excellent idea.
-[Carol] Nope.

Grossly misinterpreting what I just said.

Oh. So sorry,
but thanks to the heroics of Uncle Benji--

Uncle Agent Benji.

--there are no injustices
to babies left in this town.

An unsolvable paradox.

-We'll have to call it a night.
-Ow!

That's it.

The last baby injustice.

We're going to find this exiled
European royal zoo orphan's true identity,

and return him to the life he deserves.

-[agent 1] Let's do this.
-[agent 2] For justice.

Evil.

No!

[agent] So we'll just snap this.

Run the photo through facial recognition.

[computer beeping]

We'll find out
where you came from in three minutes.

Tell me you're in the office.

Is the good Wi-Fi in the office?

I'm in the office.

I need you to do computer stuff
against the government.

Your words
wrote a beautiful opera, just for me.

Getting something.

Whoop! Careful, little dude.
Don't wanna miss the big reveal.

And your true identity is...

[computer beeps]

a cartoon baby rhinoceros.

[all snickering]

Great work, Cammy.

Uh, hang on, she's pushing back.

Probably a software error. Debugging now.

Would it help
if I stared at it intimidatingly?

Couldn't hurt.

Oh, man, she's scary good.

Can you hold her off?

Maybe if somebody hadn't cheaped out
when I asked for the good computer.

How long can you hold her off?

Thirty seconds max.

Check you out
with the ringside car seat, Lil Bit.

[computer beeps]

Well, well, well.

All of you.

Let's go.

Hey.

Is this a regular prison,
or an off-the-books interrogation place

with a doctor pardoned for w*r crimes?

Why would the baby's long-lost
closest living relative be in prison?

[in German accent]
Praise be, you have found the heir.

And you must be the guardians

who took such good care of our prince. Oh!

How can I gratitude you?

No gratituding necessary.

Happy to serve His Majesty.

Federal agents, we've met
the expectations of our country today.

See you Monday morning, Agent Guerrero.

Thank you. Pleasure.

Happy to be on the team. Really psyched.

An honor.

[in normal voice]
Thank you for paying in advance.

Next time, if you order on
the Chet Does Any Job for Two Bucks app,

you save 3 percent on all services.

Chet out.

Thanks, Cammy. I hope it's okay
I used your credit card numbers.

It's not okay
you know my credit card numbers,

but I'll give this a pass.

Bye. See you at crimes.

Hey, congratulations. You made good.

But I was just
along for the ride on this last part.

She knows. She looks disappointed.

Dude, she's a baby.

A honey-dipped angel baby, you are.

But just a baby.

Their only job is to be cute and love you.

That's all we need from them,
and all they need from us.

Trust me, you're good.

Sorry for everything.

I think it's just me.

Come on, Lil Bit.
Let's get some rest. See you, fam.

Whoo! Well, my adrenaline's skyrocketed.
What do you wanna--?

I'm going on vacation.

Yeah, you earned it.

[theme music playing]

♪ Boss Baby ♪

♪ Boss Baby ♪

♪ Boss Baby ♪

♪ Boss Baby
Tell 'em who this is ♪

♪ Boss Baby
I'm a legend, mythic ♪

♪ Y'all heard the story
But you know what the twist is? ♪

♪ Welcome to the family business
Boss Baby ♪