01x06 - Don't Clown the Duchess

[bunniefuu]

PARIS: In school, we've been learning
about the Seven Wonders of the World.

From the magnificent Machu Picchu in Peru,

to the Great Pyramid of Giza in Egypt.

But quiet as it's kept,
I know an eighth wonder

that should be added to the list.

And it goes by "The Duchess."

And she is a wonder at Saturdays.

Born one Delilah Denise Williams

on the South Side of Chicago,

Duchess began her skating career

pretty much the day she was born.

Apparently, Duchess got them bars, okay?

According to my parents, back in the day,

she was one of the coldest MCs on skates.

Duchess has always been class personified.

A mentor, a teacher, a boss.

A woman who always gets her point across,

without ever having to raise her voice.

This banger came out 25 years ago today,

compliments of our very own
Duchess Williams.

[laughs]

It is called "Chi Girlz."

You play that song,
you lose a hand, partner.

I may have misspoke.

She rarely has to raise her voice.

Well, I hope they understood the words

that were coming out of her mouth,

because they were literally
coming out of her mouth.

Girl, they were.

♪ Everybody out the way
It's Saturday ♪

♪ All we do is celebrate ♪

♪ Long as I got fun family
And friends ♪

♪ I got everything
That I need ♪

♪ Everybody out the way
It's Saturday ♪

♪ We ain't got no time
To waste ♪

♪ No work, all play
No stress ♪

♪ We got everything
That we need ♪

♪ 'Cause there ain't
No other day like Saturday ♪

- London.
- Hmm?

- What's up with Duchess?
- Look, I don't know.

All I wanted to do was show her
some love on her "Chi Girlz" hit

from back in the day.

She just about bit my head off.

DEREK: She had that look in her eye too.

Same look my moms gave me

when I drove her car into the living room.

Long and deadly.

Well, I guess if you two
want to see another Saturday,

I suggest you never play that song again.

What's the matter with the song,
Mr. Perry? Is it too explicit?

Listen, that "Chi Girlz" song just...

rubs her the wrong way.

- Don't play it.
- But it's a hit.

Why can't we celebrate her achievements?

Give Duchess her flowers now.

I say we throw her a party.

And I say you're hard of hearing.

Trust me, Duchess do not want a party.

You're gonna have a full-blown
circus on your hands.

Okay, Derek, let's get a smoothie.

- You treating?
- Yeah.

Right after you pay for it.

[laughs] Cool.

Wait, what? London, stop playing

So, what are we thinking
for Duchess' party?

Why'd I know you were gonna
ask us that, Paris?

Because I'm Paris,
and I have a lot of ideas.

Should we be concerned?

Oh, I think so.

[door opens]

Ooh, all right!

I thought I smelled
those famous apple blintzes.

- Yes, sir.
- DEB: Ah, ah, hooks off.

These are for the Jacksons,
our new neighbors next door.

Yeah, someone finally bought
old man Carmichael's spot.

He was a nice old man,

except he smelled like mothballs
and vapor rub.

- You ever notice that?
- I did.

Uh, where are the Jacksons from?

I think the Realtor said Gary, Indiana.

- Gary, Indiana?
- DEB: Uh-huh.

Like Michael Jackson Gary, Indiana?

- [Cal laughs]
- You know.

- Ooh!
- Okay, that's cute, but no.

I mean, it couldn't be them, right, Cal?

Not those Jacksons, right?

- Nah, nah, couldn't be.
- No.

They did have a car in their driveway

with a license plate that reads ABC-123.

- It is the Jacksons!
- It is the Jacksons!

[all exclaim and laugh]

- These ain't the Jacksons.
- These ain't the Jacksons.

- Pardon?
- [stammers]

We're the Johnsons from next door,

and we just wanted to welcome
you to the neighborhood.

This is my husband, Cal. And I'm Deb.

Oh, well, we're the Jacksons.

This is my husband, Kev. And I'm Bev.

- Ah, Kev and Bev.
- Cal and Deb.

ALL: Cute!

[all laugh]

Well, we made these for you.

These are our famous apple blintzes.

We run a home bakery
called "Cal & Deb B-Bakin'."

Well, that's awesome.

We run a mobile dog-grooming spa

called "Kev & Bev Be Groomin'."

[Kev and Bev laugh]

Okay, this is getting weird.

Look, we just wanted to come say hi,

introduce ourselves.

And if you guys ever need anything,

don't hesitate to ask.

Yes, please, don't hesitate.

Oh, now go enjoy those homemade blintzes.

They're straight from
our apple tree in the backyard.

You mean our apple tree?

- Say what now?
- You said your apple tree,

but the tree is clearly in our backyard.

Well, technically the trunk
is in your backyard,

but the bulk of the apples
fall on our side, so...

- I see.
- Yeah.

- See I.
- Oh, do you?

Oh, I do!

[laughs nervously]

Thank you, guys.

I can't wait to get to know you better.

[overlapped chatter]

Come on, Cal.

Hmm, Kev be trippin'.

Tripping like two left feet.

He want to be starting something.

That he do.

Okay, guys, I put together

a little something-something

for Duchess' 25th anniversary

of "Chi Girlz" party.

Blam.

It's Duchess and Princess' old CD cover.

Dope, right?

Wow, Paris.

Girl, I feel like the '90s just ran up

and slapped the taste out of my mouth.

Look at those clothes and those earrings.

What are they, have 24-karat
anchors on their ears?

Mm-hmm, and I'm thinking about blowing up


and spreading them
across the United Center floor

so people can take pictures of them.

You know, keeping up with the
theme of the 25th anniversary.

- The United Center?
- Mm-hmm.

Where the Bulls play?

Is Soldier Field
a little more appropriate?

Fits more people, right?

This isn't the Super Bowl, Paris.

I mean, we agreed to have

a small, intimate gathering for Duchess,

and you're just doing way too much.

Since when do I do too much?

Aside from right now?

- Pool party.
- Pool party.

[wind gusts]

[exhales]

What, a sister can't scuba?

Not in a two-foot pool, she can't.

- [cell phone rings]
- Hold up.

Wow!

Princess just DM'd me back.

Princess?

Princess rocking the spandex

and baby hair finger wave Princess?

Yup. I did a little search,

found her information,

and invited her to the party.

Paris, why would you do that?

I have never heard Duchess
bring up Princess.

How do you even know they're cool?

Why wouldn't they be cool?
They had a hit record together,

and they're Chi-Town royalty.

Everything will be fine, I promise.

Ooh, I wonder if Oprah
would be able to MC the party.

Or maybe Snoop.

[giggles]

[whistles]

- Nice truck.
- [laughs]

- Is it used?
- Oh, yeah.

Had her fully renovated. You?

Brand-new. Built in the Motor City.

Only the best for my business.

But, well, your little truck is cute.

[laughs]

You know, I noticed that you hung
some string lights from our apple tree.

Yup, hung some string lights
from my apple tree.

Oh! Oh, they glow like a dream.

They look kind of cheap.

Well, you ever want to upgrade,
let me know.

I know a guy.

Talk about cheap. [Chuckles]

What late-night infomercial
did you get that off of?

- [laughing]
- I will have you know,

this is XZ-3000 copper-infused
high-pressure hose.

Bad boy's indestructible.
Shoots over 100 feet.

Well, mine shoots over 150.

Prove it.

That is not 100 feet.
That is easily 200 feet.

- Why are you stepping forward?
- I'm not.

- Okay, well, I'm...
- Respect the line!

- MAN: Hey!
- Oh!

- Right in the face.
- Yeah, I got him.

- Boys.
- Boys.

DUCHESS: Freezer is out again?

No more having your cousins fix stuff.

Don't worry about all that.

Just don't trip over all this
love you're about to get.

Trip on what?

ALL: Surprise!

Hey.

What is all of this?

Mr. Perry?

I tried to stop them,
but they made me do it.

That one with the butterflies
on her head, she scares me.

Duchess, I know you said not
to make a big deal about you,

but you're a big deal to us.

And plus, "Chi Girlz" is such a classic.

Hashtag "iconic."
Hashtag "oldie but goody."

Hashtag, "that's my mama's jam."

- Thank you, girls.
- [chuckles]

And, Duchess, we have an even
bigger surprise

in store for you later.

[clown horn honking]

Now who ordered the clown?

I don't think we had a coupon for that.

Hey, Duchy Duch!

Ah!

Hey.

Princess.

ALL: Princess?

Like I said, full-blown circus.

- [honks horn]
- [all yelp]

Honestly, I was a little surprised

to hear from you after all this time.

But, hey, a milestone's a milestone.

So when you had your assistant invite me,

I had to come.

My assistant?

Oh.

To be honest, Princess, I didn't even know
about the party.

They surprised me with it.
So I didn't invite you.

Oh.

- You didn't invite me.
- I didn't.

That's okay. It's all good.

Ain't no tears off this clown's back.

I know when I'm not welcome.

- I didn't say that.
- Oh, but you did.

Your 25 years of silence said it.

And I can't believe

I left Clown-a-palooza early for this.

Can't believe there's something
called Clown-a-palooza.

But it's okay, Duchess.

I get why you've been
avoiding me all these years,

and why you ghosted me
at the Windy City Rap Fest.

You felt threatened.

- Threatened by what?
- You know.

My superior skills as an MC.

If that's not the case,
then we can battle it out now.

Don't let this magenta nose
and these floppy shoes fool you.

This clown is always ready
to put on a show.

That's okay.

You got it, Princess.

Mm-hmm. I thought so.

[crowd murmuring]

[honks horn]

Okay, who's up for some hip-hop trivia?

First category:

Classic rap beefs.

Too soon. Too soon. Too soon.

- Okay.
- Way too soon.

[g*nf*re in movie]

Hey, neighbor!

Oh, hey, Dad.

Mr. Jackson invited us
over for a movie and a...

[chuckles]
...swing in these nice hammocks.

We got to get us some of these.

Yeah, the sway of these things
are giving me Maui vibes.

- You've never been to Maui.
- Neither have you.

- Touché.
- Artisanal popcorn?

Oh! I don't even know
what artisanal means, but okay.

Oh, this is really good!

It ain't burnt or nothing. You want some?

Oh, okay. And this yard is exquisite.

- Quite nice.
- What about our yard?

It's not exquisite?

Nah, it's all right.

Mr. Jackson, you're the man.

- [laughs]
- No, no, you the man-man.

[all laugh]

KEV: You hear that?

- [glasses clink]
- I'm the man-man.

Hmm! Mm-hmm. Hmm.

- Hey, Mom.
- Hey.

Hmm, judging by that face,

that ill-advised surprise party
for Duchess must've hit the fan.

- Yup, it did.
- Mm-hmm.

Wait, how'd you know about that?

Oh, girl, I'm your mother.
I know everything.

It's the mama way.

Now, had you come to me
in the first place, okay,

I would've told you inviting Princess

was a bad idea from jump.
They got beef, girl.

I mean, what's the deal with them anyway?

Coming from their former backup dancer...

Okay, wait a minute. You were Duchess
and Princess' backup dancer?

I was. I was. I was.

Okay, I actually never
made it to the stage,

but, you know, your mama did her thing.

I had my little signature move, you know.

The Debbie Deb Dip.

It was sort of a spicier
Cabbage Patch meets the Wop.

So like a boom, boom, ba-ba-ba,

- and hit, hit and dip.
- [back cracks]

Okay, no, no, I'm good. I'm good.

You know, I should have...
Should have had it trademarked.

Okay, well, can you tell me what happened?

DEB: Okay.

Once upon a rhyme...

Duchess and Princess hopped on skates

and rocked the mic at Saturdays.

They were an instant hit.
They was k*lling it.

And when their song
"Chi Girlz" dropped in the Chi,

folks lost their minds.

Duchess and Princess were stars.

Blowing up in a big way.

So big they got invited to perform

at the Windy City Rap Fest
before thousands of people.

This was going to be their big break.
But on the day of the concert...

ANNOUNCER: Here they are, Chi Girls!

...Duchess was a no-show.

And to this day, nobody knows why.

[crowd booing]

And Duchess never rapped again.

Took over Saturdays, and Princess, well...

Princess became a clown.

A mean one, from the sound of it.

And that's the T.

And Lil' Debbie Deb never got her dip on.

But, you know what? I'm not mad. I'm not.

That much.

- That was some story.
- Yeah, it is.

But, Mom, seriously, I wasn't
trying to start anything.

I promise, I was just trying
to give Duchess her props.

Okay, well, next time, Paris,
send a card and call it a day.

Less is more.

Oh!

But your father's a lot.

What happened now, Cal?

The man-man happened, Deb.

And there's only one
man-man on this block,

and his name is Cal Johnson.

[leaf blower whirring]

♪ I'm keeping you down ♪

♪ The new sheriff in town ♪

♪ I'm the man, I'm the man ♪

[screams]

♪ Don't mess with me, hoss ♪

♪ 'Cause I lay down the laws ♪

♪ I'm the man, I'm the man
I'm the man ♪

♪ Oh, who's the man? ♪

- ♪ Who's the man? ♪
- ♪ Who's the man? ♪

- ♪ Who's the man? ♪
- ♪ Who? ♪

♪ That's what I thought, yeah
Who's the man? ♪

- ♪ Who's the man? ♪
- ♪ Who's the man? ♪

- ♪ Who's the man? ♪
- ♪ Who? ♪

♪ That's what I thought ♪

CAL: Oh!

[coughing]

Hmm.

[winces]

- Duchess?
- DUCHESS: Come in.

Okay, she's probably
really down in the dumps,

so brace yourselves.

[all inhale and sigh]

Hey, girls, welcome to my waffle party.

Come on in.

Come get some of these fluffy carbs.

I got Belgian and old-fashioned.

Both'll make you wide
where you don't want to be.

Duchess, we thought you were
in here upset.

But instead, you're in here...

eating waffles.

I like waffles.

So do I. Mr. Perry, I'll take a Belgian,

extra crispy, don't skimp on the crispy.

[sighs] Duchess, we just came to apologize

for what went down
between you and Princess. Our bad.

It's not your fault.
Princess and I just need to...

communicate better.

Princess didn't seem like

she had a problem communicating.

She seemed very angry.

Angry clowns are the worst.

Next to angry mimes.

'Cause when them angry mimes get mad,

ooh, their hand gestures just
start to get a little bit racy.

If you don't mind me asking,

why is she so upset with you?

Okay. Sit down.

Princess has every right to be mad at me.

After we dropped our single, "Chi Girlz,"

everything exploded for us.

I mean, we were getting
record deal offers.

- We were blowing up.
- And what happened?

Life happened.

My father asked if I could run Saturdays,

and how could I say no? I mean,
this place is our legacy.

So it was either become a rap star,

or keep my father's dream alive.

I chose my father.

Why couldn't Princess understand that?

Because I didn't give her a chance to.

I just ghosted her.

And when I finally got the nerve
to talk to her

about me leaving the group...

I found out she had become a...

a clown.

So you drove her to that clown life.

Sad. Very sad.

Mr. Perry, waffle me.

Thank you.

I'm so sorry about your friend.

I mean, you guys seem very close.

Yeah, we were.

We were like sisters.

Well, sisters sometimes fall out.

It happens.

Take the three of us.

We fight and argue all the time.

[laughs] We sure do.

It's true. They make me sick.

- But I love them.
- See? She loves us.

And we love old waffle mouth too.

Hmm.

So if you love Princess

and want her back in your life,

you should try to work it out.

Talk to her.

Princess don't want to talk.

Princess want to battle.

Then give her one.

And give her one of these waffles too.

Just not this one. It's mine.

[grunts softly]

- [door closes]
- [grunts]

Wifey send you out?

Yeah. You?

Mm-hmm.

- How's your neck?
- It hurts.

And the eye?

Stung by a bee.

- What?
- Under the apple tree.

[both laugh]

Oh, don't make me laugh.

Oh...

Look, we got off on the wrong foot.

Let's just, you know,

put this to bed now before one of us

- winds up in the hospital.
- Hospital or homeless.

Bev says if I don't square
things away with you,

I'm spending my nights in the hammock.

To be honest with you,
they are not that comfortable.

I know, right? I tried one out
at the Price Co.

I got tangled up so bad,
I almost choked myself out.

- What?
- They gave it to me half off

- so I wouldn't sue.
- [both laugh]

- Oh, don't make me laugh.
- Stop.

[groans]

- So, we cool?
- We're cool.

[laughs] Oh, man.

[snaps] Oh!

- You really are a Jackson.
- Yep.

And I like hot sauce on my fries
and sugar in my grits.

What? Wait, now that's too far.

That's too far.

[bell dings]

What's up? What's up?

And welcome to a true rap battle
of royalty

between a Princess
and her angry clown posse,

and a Duchess with her Goldens.

[all cheer and applaud]

All right now, ladies.
I want a clean rap battle.

No explicit lyrics,

and no rapping below the girdle.

- Say what?
- Say what?

I mean, nothing.

It's been a long time coming.

Yeah, too long. Let's get it.

- [hip-hop beats playing]
- [audience cheers]

♪ Well, well, well
Look what the wind blew in ♪

♪ Some gold garbage ♪

♪ Can't even begin to explain ♪

♪ You're so heartless ♪

♪ I can't even mention your name
I'm so guarded ♪

♪ How could you abandon
The dream that was started? ♪

[all murmuring]

♪ You sound crazy
Don't try to play me ♪

♪ I'm feeling show 'em
How I clowned you, baby ♪

♪ Grown woman
Best believe I'm my own woman ♪

♪ You still acting like
It's high school homecoming ♪

♪ Take notes ♪

[cheering]

♪ It's all good now
I don't need you no more ♪

♪ I'm getting money over here
I don't care about your flow ♪

♪ You made the worst decision
When you left me on stage ♪

♪ It blurred my vision
But I learned how to get paid ♪

♪ I was ready to ride
It was Chi Girls for life ♪

♪ Until your dark side appeared
And brought it to the light ♪

♪ It's been 25 years
Now I want you to know ♪

♪ I'm not only a clown I'm the CEO ♪

Get out of here.

♪ I had to rep my pops
And that's a lot ♪

♪ But I took that shot
To give it all that I got now ♪

♪ I know it sounds crazy ♪

♪ You think I tried
To play you out ♪

♪ But that's not
What it was all about ♪

♪ Yo, your heart's a true beauty
You can see through me ♪

♪ Gaslit, but you mean
A lot to me ♪

♪ I never meant to clown you
'Cause you're a boss too ♪

♪ You helped me reclaim fame
I never meant to diss you ♪

♪ So even though it hurts
To see you up in the spot ♪

♪ I want to tell you I love you
And you mean a lot ♪

CROWD: Aw!

ALL: Aw!

That was so cute!

Aw.

You're the dopest clown around.

I should've told you just 25 years ago.

I'm sorry, Princess. Do you forgive me?

Girl, you had me at your first bar.

So you forgive me for forcing you

into a life of clowndom?

Girl, you ain't force me do to anything.

I love being a clown.

I get paid to do

what I was doing for free in high school.

Do you know how many billionaires

throw clown parties, girl?

Your girl juggling
all the way to the bank!

[both laugh]

[cheers and applause]

See, Paris? Positive vibes here.

Told you.

Yeah, that was awesome.

What a beautiful reunion.

It ain't a reunion
without your girl Debbie Deb!

Uh, Mom? What are you doing here?

Oh, I'm keeping the dream alive.

Now, I may have missed out
on dancing with my girls


to miss out on today.

Mom, Mom, Mom...

If you stay ready,

you ain't got to get ready, girl.

Watch how your mama drops it.

DUCHESS:
♪ Another summer, whoo! ♪

♪ Can you go a little something
Like this? ♪

♪ You know the Chi Girls ♪

♪ Know how to party ♪

♪ Chi Girls ♪

♪ Living it up ♪

- ALL: Oh.
- We can't get her back up.

♪ Like we never left
It's a brand-new year ♪

♪ So you know what's next ♪

♪ Whoo, making memories
We won't forget ♪

♪ Who bring the rhythm
That'll make you step? ♪

How is she gonna get up?

ALL: Oh!

♪ Let me show you how to move ♪

♪ Yeah, let's have some fun Come on ♪

♪ 'Cause the night is young ♪

♪ You know the Chi Girls ♪

♪ Stay living it up ♪

♪ Come on, stay living it up ♪

♪ Know how to party ♪

♪ To all my jesters
And my queens ♪

♪ Yeah, you know what I mean ♪

♪ 'Cause the Chi Girls ♪

♪ Stay living it up
Stay living it up ♪

♪ Know how to party ♪

♪ To all my jesters
And my queens, queens ♪

♪ Yeah, you know what I mean
Mean ♪