01x26 - Bayou Barb/The Great Pillow w*r

[bunniefuu]

(SNORES) Hiromi.

Time to stop snoring
and start pillow w*r-ing!.

(GRUNTS) It hasn't
even started yet.

You're breaking
the rules.

Rules? There are
no rules in the...

Great Pillow w*r!

The Great Pillow w*r
began four years ago.

It started as
a simple disagreement
over the TV remote

but has devolved
into an all-out,
feathery fracas.

And to the victor
go the spoils,

absolute control
of the remote
for one month,

and bragging rights
in perpetuity,

or until, you know,
the next pillow w*r.

You will be destroyed!

I dream only of your complete
and total annihilation!

(DOORBELL RINGS)

The troops have arrived!

(RECORD SCRATCHES)

Wait, you're not a troop?

No, I'm a babysitter.

Babysitter?
Yeah.

Your parents wanted someone
to watch Gretel,

who does not, and I quote,

"dream only of her complete
and total annihilation."

All right.
Come on in. Thanks.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Private Anthony
reporting for duty, Sir.

Welcome, new recruits.

I am Major General Kevin.
(RECORD SCRATCHES)

Wait. Where's Private Hiromi?

She had to
cancel last minute.

Now, can we stop
talking like we're in
a low-budget w*r movie?

No, we cannot.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

What's The Destructress
doing here?

Shh. She's just here
as Lauren.

Mom and Dad said
we need a babysitter.

Oh, right,
because of the whole
total annihilation thing.

What do you want?

Lauren, where are you?

I'm here at the park
for a half birthday bonanza

where we celebrate
our half birthday.

I forgot.

I picked up
a babysitting gig.

Yeah, you're still doing that?

Last time
you were babysitting,

I ended up
becoming a People Pop,

and not in a fun way.

What would the fun way be...

Never mind.
I'm busy.

Just do our half-birthday
bonanza yourself. But...

Hey, Lauren, so

we're down one soldier.

Would you wanna
join my army?

All you have to do
is be ruthless.

Hmm. "Ruthless"
is my middle name.

Actually,
it's just Ruth.

I'm in.

Hey, Lauren, you don't have
to get all roped up in this.

No, that's cool.

I actually have a ton
of aggression to get out.

Okay, then.

Welcome.

You can't recruit Lauren.

She has superpowers.

Stop making stuff up
just to get an advantage.

Soldiers!
To the b*ttlefield!

Don't worry,
Lauren's nice.

I'm sure
she'll play fair.

Oh, yeah,
we're in trouble.

KEVIN: Listen up, soldiers!

Rule number one
in the great Pillow w*r
is there are no rules.

(ALL CHEER)
Yes!

Rule number two
is that rule number one
is not a hard and fast rule

because there are indeed
rules in the pillow w*r.

Wai, wai,...
But you just said...

For instance,
rule number three is,

you go out of bounds,
you're out.

Since you added rules,

should the bigger soldiers
fight on their knees,

so it's fair
to the little ones?

You are now entering
Bailey's world of pain,

(KNUCKLES CRACKING)
Population, You!

I made a mistake coming here.

(SIGHS)

Last one to that tree's
a loser with no brain.

First one to that tree
peaks in high school.

I wish I had someone
to argue and fight with.

Hey, do you have any bikes
that say, "I don't care

"if my sister ditched me,
I can still have fun."

Super fun being on your own,
right Front-Lyle?

Totally, Back-Lyle.

This is how things
should always be.

You can
say that again.

Okay.

This is how things
should always be.

(SIGHS)

(TRIUMPHANT MUSIC PLAYING)

(HIP HOP MUSIC PLAYING)

(DINGS)

MAN: ♪ I know you
like to talk trash

♪ You keep on pushing

♪ But I think you better
shut your mouth
and grab a cushion

♪ When I'm swingin'
something soft

♪ I can hit you pretty hard

♪ I can knock you
out the living room
and into the yard

♪ Are your hands
getting sweaty?

♪ Can you see this through?

♪ Well, you better get ready
because we're ready for you

♪ We got all kinds of stuffing
from the cushion store

♪ If you get up in my face
we'll get down in yours

♪ Goose down, goose down
or maybe polyurethane

♪ Or polyester fiber fill
they're really all the same

♪ You can be all polite

♪ You can beg "No more"

♪ But this is
not a pillow fight

♪ It's a pillow w*r!

(DINGS)

♪ You won't get
permanent damage

♪ But you may be sore
'cause it's not a pillow fight

♪ It's a pillow w*r! ♪

It's really
a great likeness.

But why is it
all splattery?

It's modern, man.
Leave me alone!

All right,
the break's over.
Ding-ding.

Prepare to cry, coward!

For glory!
(SCREAMS)

(GRUNTING)

(GRUNTING)
(GASPS) How are you
pushing me backwards?

I'm built differently!

Pillow pillage!

I can taste
victory already.

Does it taste
like grass?

No. (GRUNTS)

Now it does.

(GRUNTS)
(GASPS)

Medic!

Man down!

(GASPS) Soldier!

Hang on!
Don't leave me.

(COUGHS) Tell my mom
I love her rice casserole.

(GROANS)

That reminds me,
I'm hungry.

I'm off to
the casualty corner
for some snacks.

Enjoy. My mom made us
some pigs in a blanket.

Did somebody say
pigs in a blanket?

Fred, what are you doing?

Wow, I, uh, suddenly feel

uh, weak, out of sorts.
Fred, don't you
do that, stop.

(COUGHS)
No!

(CHEERS)
Dance all you
want, enemy.

I still have my
trusty friend Bai...

Sorry, Gretel.

I'm growing tired
of the ceaselessness
of this w*r.

Plus, I, too,
am hungry.

Save me a piggy.
Oh, come on, guys,

we're so close.

Oh, yeah!
This is gonna be fun.

(LAUGHS)
And you're almost done
'cause it's two against one.

(BICYCLE BELL RINGS)

Hi, Lauren.
Surprise!

Oh, that's my brother.
Wait, Lauren--

What are you
doing here?

Just visiting my twin sis.

What are you doing?
Are you guys
having a pillow fight?

I wanna play.
No, Lyle.

I wanna keep
this job, so just go. But...

You're embarrassing me!

Fine. I'll leave.

You're like
the worst twin
I've ever had.

(CRIES)

(SOBBING)
I went the wrong way.

(SIGHS)

Sorry about that.

All good.
You just stepped
out of bounds,

so you're automatically disqualified.

She's right.
I tried to warn ya.

It's fine.
It's just another thing
my brother ruined for me.

Good luck.

Ooh. Processed meat
covered in pastry.

My favorite.

(CRYING) I can't believe
she called me embarrassing.

Where's my hanky?

Thanks, Back-Lyle.

(BLOWS)

I'll show her "embarrassing!"

It's Fistpuncher.

I just happen to be flying by
with this oversized pillow

and noticed there was
a pillow fight down here.

Well, that's random.

Yeah, totally random.

And not an overreaction
of my feelings
being hurt by my sister

on what was supposed
to be a very special day.

Well, it sounds like
this sister of yours

must have
a really good excuse,

and maybe
you should listen to her.

Incoming!

(GRUNTS)

Wait. Does that mean?
I tried to tell you.

Lauren is
The Destructress.
What?

Fistpuncher,
what are you doing?

(GRUNTING)

Just having some fun!

(GROANS)

How are we
supposed to fight him

when he has that
giant pillow sack?

(GASPS) That
gives me an idea.

Hamster,
we're under attack.
Go to Jack's Sack Shack

and bring back
the biggest sack.

The Jack's Sack Shack
by the racetrack?

That exact shack.

Let me backtrack.
You need a big whack sack
from Jack's Sack Shack

to launch a counterattack
and get some payback.

Um, yes.

Well, I was just
playing Blackjack,
but I got your back.

Wait five jacks.
This deck is stacked.

Lyle, stop!
You always wreck everything!

Yeah, that's our
whole brand, Lauren.

Why are you doing this?

Because you ditched me,

didn't even say sorry,

and then you said,
"I was embarrassing."

Because you are!

GRETEL: So you were
playing Blackjack

with Zack from
the cul-de-sac?

When did he get back
from the Adirondack?

A couple of weeks...

Ago.

I can't believe
you just blew me off.

Ugh, grow up.
I'm allowed

to have my own life,
aren't I?

Yeah, sure.

But you don't have to be
so mean about it.

(GROANS)

Just because we're evil

doesn't mean
you have to be evil to me!

That's fair, I guess.

But you could've
just said this to me.

Well, I'm... I'm s...

Sorry.

I'm sorry, too.

Nice words are hard.

Truce?

Truce.

What is that?

No, no, no, wait.

He's not...

(SCREAMING)

Oops. Sorry, Lauren.

(LAUGHS)

Whoa! You took
a sack-smack for me.

That's just being
a good evil twin.

Well, you better get back
to babysitting.

I'll see you at home.

Hey, maybe we can split
a half birthday sundae
when I'm done.

Oh, I'd like that.

Wow, that was cool.
Wait. Where were you?

I was just, uh,
hiding under that hedge.

I can't even remember
what we were fighting for.

Total control over
the remote for a month

with bragging rights
in perpetuity.

Oh, right. But are we
on the same side now?

Yeah, we were always
on the same side.

Hi, guys. I was just
hiding under that hedge.

So who won?
No one yet.

But first... (CHUCKLES)

(ALL LAUGHING)
Oh! I'm gonna
catch you!

HAMSTER:
As feathers fall like snow,

a new era of peace begins

not due to the pillow punches
or flanking maneuvers,

but the loving words
of a brother and sister.

Oh, and also they made
a really, really big mess.

I mean, there were
feathers everywhere,
and I mean everywhere.

What the heck is...

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

♪ Hamster and Gretel

♪ It's Hamster

♪ Hamster and Gretel ♪