04x04 - Game Plan

[bunniefuu]

Hold all my calls.

[giggling]

♪ Boss Baby ♪

♪ I'm the Boss, Boss Baby, boss, boss
Boss Baby, boss, boss ♪

♪ Watch a itty-bitty kid get large ♪

♪ I'm the big Boss Baby in charge ♪

♪ Stroller rolling
Up and down the boulevard ♪

♪ I'm the big Boss Baby in charge ♪

♪ I run this house, I rule this crib ♪

♪ Change my diaper, son
Where's my bib? ♪

♪ Don't pacify
You just got to pay me ♪

- ♪ Who's in charge? ♪
- ♪ Me, the Boss Baby ♪

[grunts] Whoops! Excuse me.
One second. [chuckles]

[muffled] Hello, board of directors!
[spits]

[normal voice] Weekly check-in.
CEO reporting to the board.

Love it.

Let me start with some good news
on our inbound marketing strategies.

[applause]

But you ain't seen nothing yet.

Who's at the door?
[gasps] Mr. Great Opportunity?

I don't know, Board, should we let him in?

Please! Let him enter!

Meet our local semi-professional
soccer franchise, "The Hive."

I recently attended
one of their raucous tilts.

[Boss Baby] The love for this team
was like nothing I'd ever seen before.

♪ Go, Hive! Go, Hive! ♪

♪ Buzz! Buzz! Buzz! ♪

Alas, for the Hive,
misfortune struck that day...

All hail the Hive!

...by way of team owner Midge Marksberry.

[all gasping]

- [buzzing]
- [people whimpering]

[all screaming]

Everyone, duck!

What are you doing, Ted?

Protecting my family.

Ow.

[Boss Baby] Everyone got stung that day.

And me?

I got stung with an idea.

The name "The Hive" has become so toxic,
Midge Marksberry is holding

a speech contest
for fans to propose a new name.

We're going to win the contest
and name that team the Babies.

- [all gasp]
- Imagine an entire sports fan base

chanting in unison,

♪ "Babies! Babies! Wah-wah-wah!" ♪

A plan worthy of the ancient tycoons!

I'm honored you approve.

I've already recruited my brother
to enter the contest, so...

Wait, you're placing the fate
of this most incredible plan

in the hands of a mere child?

Of course not.

Tim is just the mouthpiece
for one of the greatest pieces of oratory

the world will ever hear.

I guarantee victory.

How can you possibly make
such a guarantee?

Because every word of that speech
has been engineered

for maximum crowd-pleasing efficiency
by a crack team of brainstormers,

my "Managed Outcomes
and Contingencies Team"!

I call them the "What-Ifsters" for short.

Their job is to imagine
every possible outcome,

mostly bad, and find a solution.

Staci, the speech.

"The time has come for a team
that reflects our core values."

I can already tell this is a winner.

You better believe it.

"Our team is the heart
and we are the blood."

I cannot wait to give this speech.
What could go wrong?

Excellent question!

What if you stumble over the words?

Just laugh to release the tension
and try again.

Okay, but I've never stumbled
speaking in front of people.

- What if someone heckles you?
- That won't happen, right?

- You have to be ready if it does!
- Say something nice about the heckler.

Like, "Madam,
you're as beautiful as a walrus!"

"Why, thank you, young sir!"
[imitates walrus bark]

What? [yelps]

Barf bag?

What if you barf?

I'm not gonna barf.
I don't think I'm gonna barf.

What if a falcon flies into your face?

This'll help stop the bleeding.

When did falcons in the community center
become a possibility?

Can't disregard any what-if.
The stakes are far too high.

[whimpers]

And that's why the team
should be named The Handcuffs.

You have the right to remain undefeated!
Thank you.

Thanks, Doug, but I gotta say,
garbage disposal of a speech.

Next!

- I think I forgot my barf bag.
- You got this.

The competition is a joke.

♪ Babies! Babies! Wah-wah-wah! ♪

So, in honor of that first dictionary,

our team should be called
the Akkadian Cuneiform Tablets!

Thank you.

- [cooing]
- Pass.

Look that up in the dictionary.
It means I hate it.

Who's next?

Timothy Templeton!

Stand up here, boy.

Timbo, that's your cue. You okay?

- Do you need to make number twos?
- No!

I just got nervous thinking about
everything that could go wrong,

so I found a substitute to read my speech.

Looks like Tim chickened out,
so here's Danny Petroosky.

- Sorry.
- It'll be fine.

That speech is so powerful, it would take
a force of nature to mess it up.

It's Petrosky.

Seems like a millionaire
should know how to read.

Anyhoo, speech-a-doodle-do.

Let's see. Hmm.

Where's the first word?

"The...

time has come for a team that reflects
our core vacuums."

Uh, values. Core values.

- See why I'm not a millionaire?
- [all laughing]

"Our team is the heart
and we are the blood!"

[cheering]

"Do we fight for the most helpless,
or do the most helpless fight for us?"

You know the answer, don't you,
Mrs. Buskie.

I see you do.

See? I knew what I was doing.

"It is a strength
that can never be defeated,

not in the home, not in our hearts,
not on the soccer field.

And that's why this team
should be called..."

[chuckles] Wait, really?

No, sorry, Tim.

This name is terrible.

This team should be called...
the Hot Dogs!

- I love it!
- Yeah!

But not the food hotdog,
but, like, dog dogs.

Pet dogs. Maybe in a sweater.

Nothing's more ferocious
than a sweaty, panting dog.

♪ Hot dogs! Hot dogs! Arf-arf-arf! ♪

- ♪ Hot dogs! Hot dogs! Arf-arf-arf! ♪
- I'll fix this.

The uniforms will have
battery-powered tails that wag!

Wait a minute, wait a minute, hold on.
I gotta write that down.

Excuse me, Ms. Marksberry?

- What if the team was called the "Babies"?
- Shh!

I gotta hear what comes
out of this kid's mouth next.

I'm gonna say a bunch of letters
that come into my head,

and we're gonna do whatever I spell
at every halftime.

F-L-A-R-T-I-U-M-N-Y!

- Flartiumny? Done!
- [cheering]

So, um, with quarterly reports due...

Boss Baby, you know why you're here.

You promised the world
and delivered hot dogs.

Oh, that? [chuckles] Just a setback.

My team already has, like,
a dozen contingencies in place.

I need a dozen contingency plans
in place yesterday.

They already have a logo,
and it's stinking adorable!

Goodbye, Yellow 100!

Puppy love's gonna soar.

We're practically doing
PuppyCo's work for them!

[whines, chuckles]

Yes, ha-ha, "thank you," very funny.

What's the opposite of "you're welcome"?

- Eat butts!
- Thank you.

What-Ifsters, go work your magic.

Hunker down in a conference room
and don't come out

until there's a plan to get this team
named the Babies.

Okay, Boss needs plans fast!
But what if we had lunch first?

I am hungry.

Ooh! What if we ordered Chinese?

That would satisfy our hunger
and fuel our brains.

But what if it's too spicy?

Should we order ice cream, too?
Contingent on the need to cool our mouths?

- What if the ice cream's too cold?
- And what if our mouths freeze?

What if I had my R&D babies develop
a warm mouth teething gel?

What if they're out to lunch
and we wait too long and never eat?

What if I get so skinny
that my diaper falls off?

- It's been hours!
- That's good!

It means they're running through
all scenarios

- and narrowing it down to the most...
- [both gasp]

Uh-huh. Sure.

I don't care what you had for lunch,
but I'm happy your mouths didn't freeze.

Brilliant idea.

- Well?
- We need a wagon and a movie-star smile.

And that little girl said to me,

"You have the smile of a woman
in her low to lower 30s."

[laughs]

I don't get it. Is it because you're old?

I am in the prime of my life.

I'm 59 and proud as a peacock.

How old are you, 50?

This is going to be
such a delightful interview.

I'm Marsha Krinkle.

Today's guests are Midge Marksberry,

the elderly owner
of the local soccer team,

and Danny Petrosky, the boy who gave it
a new name: the Hot Dogs.

This human idea factory
came up with that name,

and I haven't let him
leave my side since.

Idea! Go!

"Take Home the Chair
You're Sitting In" Night.

"Mustard Burning Mondays."

"Bring a Better Player With You,"
"What's Up? You're Coach Now."

Kid's mind is quicker than a snake bite!

Slow down!

The mind saunters a bit as we age, I hear.

How did you come up
with the name Hotdogs, Danny?

Not hotdogs. Hot Dogs.

See, my friend Tim wrote the speech for me
with a different team name.

But then, I had an idea: Hotdogs.

But then I thought,
hotdogs are delicious but not fierce,

and I'm a diagnosed vesti-cynophobiac,
fear of dogs in clothing,

so a dog who is hot
is a pretty ferocious mascot to me.

Boom! Hot Dogs.

- That was a story!
- [Tim clears throat]

Oh! Speaking of my buddy Tim,
I want you guys to meet him.

Well, let's bring him out!

Hey, everyone.

In honor of Danny
getting to name the team,

I brought a special breakfast surprise!

[Danny gasps] Hotdogs!

To be clear, the team is the Hot Dogs,
totally different.

But you know I can't say no to a hotdog.

I do know that.

[Boss Baby] Is she gonna take it?

She needs a mouthful
if our plan's gonna work.

Come on, likeliest outcome!

[chuckles]

You don't happen to have
a grapefruit in a bun, do you, kid?

I mean, it's 8:00 a.m.!

[slurps] Ah, the time don't matter,
Lizzie Lulu.

We're not getting any younger, you know.
[chuckles]

Now work your magic, Timbo.

[Tim] While everyone is chewing, I'd like
to take this opportunity to mention...

that babies are tenacious.

They get what they want,
whether it's a bottle or victory.

Most of all, babies are the easiest thing
in the world to love.

This town loves our team, and that's why
the team should be called the Babies.

♪ Babies! Babies! Wah-wah-wah! ♪

[scarfs, gulps] I love it!

I could get into a team called the Babies,
because I know how tough they can be!

[chuckles] I am a working mom.

Babies are tough.

The fact that baby Midge Marksberry
survived this crazy world

to become 59 years old
is all the proof you need.

I don't know. Now I'm torn.

The Babies or the Hot Dogs.
What do you think, Danny?

[scarfs] I'm all for letting
the best ideas win in this world

because, I'll admit, the best ideas
never win in my head.

For example,
I'm going to eat another hotdog.

I can't stop!

You heard it here first, folks.

Team name: to be determined.

- Whoo, man! We did it!
- Yeah! Who da man?

But... [sighs] we didn't get
the team name.

But we got the Babies back in play!

The door was slammed shut.
We pried it open.

Now we'll brainstorm ways to win!

- Yay!
- Yeah!

- We did it! We're the man!
- Great! Yes!

Now bring it home.

I mean, this should be easy
now that the town

has heard the name the Babies, right?

Nothing but blue skies ahead.

- [man] Hot Dogs!
- [woman] Yeah! Yeah!

Hot Dogs is a better name!

Wrong! Babies!

- Hot Dogs!
- [grunting]

No street fights allowed!

Let's agree on the Babies, or...

I'm taking your butt to jail!

Yes!

No. Hot Dogs! [grunts]

Well, then you're under arrest
for assaulting an officer's good taste

in team names.

Well, I usurp and cancel this arrest.

We all know this team should be
the Hot Dogs.

I'll pass a law!

Who's gonna enforce it?

Stalemate.

The Babies, you maniac!

♪ Hot Dogs! Hot Dogs! Arf-arf-arf! ♪

More like "barf barf..." [retches]

No, that's what Babies do!

I know. Why do you think
I'm at the pediatrician?

[baby vomits]

When they finally settle on naming
the team the Babies,

I'm buying this whole family
jerseys, hats...

Janice... you're one of them?

We are right, and we're everywhere.

Excuse me, boys. I'm not hungry.

Grapes en quatre pièces.

Mm. How delicate.

Les mains de dieu.

So, this team name thing is bad.

We're getting negative baby love readings
from people with babies.

[chuckles]

You think we didn't see this coming?

You saw this coming?

There are so many paths to victory.

My What-Ifsters have
a cornucopia of contingencies.

Patience is...

Now! Now! Now!

We gotta end this naming controversy.
Give me what-ifs!

What if our universe is a teeny, tiny atom
in something much, much bigger?

What if that something bigger
is a giant fart?

What if we're all pieces of a fart?

What if we stopped moving?

What is going on here?

We were just trying to order lunch.

But we went too deep on the what-ifs.

We're scared, Boss.

What if ideas were little people?

What if we're someone else's idea?

What if we're a fart's idea?

[all] Whoa!

[growls]

My crack team of thinkers
is paralyzed by their own genius!

I need any idea you got
to get this team named Babies.

We could do a stunt where we jump


[spits]

Full honesty: that's an old Danny idea
I just borrowed.

- That's it!
- A dirt bike baby jump?

No, the human equivalent
of a dirt bike baby jump.

When logic has failed, we must turn
to a mind of unpredictable chaos!

[Tim] Glad you could make it.

I'm glad we're still buds with all this
Baby/Hot Dog tension in the etherhood.

Etherhood? Good term!

Hope you don't mind I brought Midge.

She's been following me
for all my brilliant ideas.

I'm glad she's here because we gotta solve
this team name problem.

Beautiful day for that.

- Shouldn't you have a putter?
- Tim and I play medium golf.

The goal is to get the ball
into the next hole.

You're making me look like
an amateur entrepreneur.

So, team name... how do we decide?

- Any ideas?
- No.

So I'll just blurt one out. Soccer game.

[gasps]

Dogs versus Babies.

I put together the dog team,
Tim wrangles some babies.

How would that work?

First to five or five fives.

Five-player teams,
winner is the first team

to score five goals or whoever is ahead
after five five-minute quarters.

It's insane, but perfectly logical,

full of chaos that you could never imagine
a contingency for.

Pure Danny Petrosky.

- How's your kick aim?
- Oh, I'll be on the sidelines.

I'm more of a coach than an athlete.

I just don't see how Danny can put
together a dog team that can beat us.

[grunts]

My playgroup friends,
I'm confident you can beat dogs at soccer.

And my co-coach Tim is getting
your parents on board as we speak.

♪ Babies! Babies! Wah-wah-wah! ♪

[cooing, giggling]

[all] Aw!

That's a "yes" from the parents.

So, let's talk strategy.

Joy, you are not participating
in a contest

to give our beloved soccer team
an inferior name.

Oh, man! Now we're one baby short!

No, we're not.

Sure, sports ain't my bag,
but I haven't gotten to where I am

by sitting down when I need to stand.

Bring on the dogs. [grunts, groans]

Agenda item for tomorrow:
learn to be great at sports.

Here, doggie-doggies
who know how to play soccer.

Come get your kabobs!

Here, doggie-doggies
who know how to play soccer.

This... means... something.

But what?

[huffs]

[cheering]

- Yeah!
- Whoo-hoo!

- [man] Go, Babies!
- [woman] Oh, yeah!

[whistle trills]

[Boss baby] Is that...

Bug the Pug?

[chuckles]

- We got this.
- [whistle trills]

[cooing]

What the heck?
I thought you were training them.

I did. This was as far as we got.

[cooing, giggling]

That's right!
Pass it around with your heads.

- I'm a genius dog trainer!
- [barking]

[scoffs] Like you said, we got this.

All right! This one's for all the marbles.
Ha, ha!

Are we gonna call our team the Babies?

- Yeah! Yeah!
- Yeah, yeah!

Boo! Boo!

- Boo!
- Yeah!

Or the Hot Dogs?

- Boo! Boo!
- Boo!

- Yeehaw!
- Yeah!

- Yeah! Whoo-hoo!
- Boo!

- [buzzer blares]
- [man] Boo!

[pants, barks]

Hotty hot hot dogs!

Goal!

I get it, they got a go...
Honey, they got a goal, okay?

Please? Please?
Oh, oh. Okay, still going?

Okay, stop. Stop. Okay, stop!

- Goal!
- [yelps]

[giggling]

That's okay, that's okay.
Look alive, team, look alive.

Hands! Hands!

Come on!
Your team doesn't even have hands.

Or do they each have four?

That's unanswerable.
I take back my complaint.

[scarfs] Let's go! Let's go!

[giggles, grunts]

- Boo! Boo!
- [buzzer blares]

- Yeah!
- Go, yeah, yeah, yeah!

That's it, Scooter! Kick their butts!

You're the man now, son! [cackles]

Scooter!

[scarfs]

[gulps] I'm sorry! Hotdogs comfort me
in stressful times.

They're mushy with a sweaty skin,
like a grandma's kiss!

- [growling]
- [grunting, cries]

- [Boss Baby grunts]
- [grunts]

[buzzer blaring]

- [growls, whines]
- [whines]

I heretofore decree you should
knock that baby on his face!

[shrieks]

[grunts]

Are you kidding me?
Refs, that stinkin' baby cheated!

- Honey! That's our...
- I know who it is, Ted!

♪ Hot Dogs, Hot Dogs, arf-arf-arf! ♪

[panting]

- [buzzer blares]
- [cheering, booing]

Yeah!

No, no, no! [scarfs, gulps]

Listen up. It's tied four-four.

We win with one more goal, people.

This is what we very briefly
and inexpertly trained for.

- One, two, three... Wah!
- [all scream]

[whistle trills]

[growls]

- [giggles]
- [barking]

- [grunts]
- [coos]

- [grunts]
- [grunts] Huh?

- [grunts, pants] Ah... Oh!
- [crowd] Oh!

Agenda item for tomorrow:
set realistic expectations

about how long it takes
to be great at sports.

- [grunts]
- Oh, no.

Go, go, go! [stomach gurgles]

- [buzzer blares]
- [gasps, retches]

- [woman cheering]
- Yeah... Huh?

- [Danny vomiting]
- Oh, that smell! Hotdog puke! [retches]

[all vomiting]

[stomach gurgles] Grab the boys!

We have to get out of here now!

[vomiting]

Oh, disgus... [retches]

[all screaming]

Wait! The Hot Dogs won!

Come back and... [stomach gurgles]
Oh, geez. [belches]

[retching]

No one's gonna wanna hear
the word "hotdog" ever again.

- I'm naming this team the Babies!
- [coos]

♪ Babies! Babies! Wah-wah-wah! ♪

♪ Babies! Babies! Wah-wah-wah! ♪

Let's go, honey!
We're gonna be late for the game!

[gasps] You look...

beautiful.

So, by increasing baby-positive
news coverage by 12 percent...

I must know...

That miraculous victory
in the naming contest,

the unexpected twist
of the vomiting boy...

We simply managed the outcomes
and contingencies.

Every outcome was...

You just winged it and got lucky,
didn't you?

Mostly, yes. Mm-hmm.

Excellent.

[theme music playing]

♪ Boss Baby ♪