01x03 - Episode 3

[bunniefuu]

I have loved a lot of people.

And every one has
broken my heart.

You're not gonna break
my heart, are you?

Probably. SHE LAUGHS

- I've just had a call.
- Who was it?

My father.

Little Archie, all grown up.

Hello, Dad.

It's your mother
I'm talking about.

What about her?

She's still alive.

Where is she?

Fishponds Asylum.

Argh!

- You're evil!
- I did it for you!

Hello, Mother.

It's your son, Mrs Leach.

Oh, where's Archie?
Where's my little Archie?

I never thought for one
moment I'd ever meet

a real-life movie star.

Is that what he does, that man?

He's an actor, he's called
Cary Grant, Mrs Leach.

I'll be back to
turn out the light.

That's not right.

No.

Uh...

Hello, Eric.

Hello, Archie.

Or should I call you Cary?

Well, that's what
most people call me.

- Thanks for coming to meet me.
- Any time.

We are family, aren't
we? After a fashion.

Yes. Well, about that.

I'd really rather my mother didn't
know that I had a half-brother.

And it follows that it would
serve no purpose at all for her

ever to lay eyes
on my father again.

I understand.

If she knew what he'd done,

I think it would
probably k*ll her.

What'll you do? Take her
with you back to America?

Not immediately, the doctors think
the move would be too much for her.

Luckily, she doesn't
understand what's happening.

She thinks she's only been
there a couple of years.

He doesn't know I've
come here today.

He's not been too well, see.

I-I think he would
like the chance...

No.

You tell him these exact words.

Our paths will cross no more.

I would like to stay in
touch with you though.

And I'd really appreciate
having someone here...

to keep an eye on my mother.

You know, I'd make
it worth your while?

I don't want any money.

That's very decent of you,
old chap, but I, uh...

I'll have to insist.

What'll I tell her?

You know, when I meet her?

Oh, well, uh, just say you're,
uh, Uncle Joseph's son.

She didn't like their
side of the family,

she didn't keep in touch with
them and she'll have no idea.

Good chap.

Thanks, Eric.

You'll be hearing from me.

All set, Mum?

Mrs Leach? It's time to go.

Come on, Mum. You don't want to
stay here any longer, do you?

Where are you taking me?

To Clifton.

You always said you wanted to
live there. Do you remember?

You're Cary Grant.

Not to you, Mum.

I'm just Archie.

It's okay, Elsie.

Go away.

Here we go!

I thought maybe... maybe
you're feeling a bit peckish.

Tons of salt and vinegar, just
the way you used to like it.

Uh...

Mm, it's hot.

Try one.

How's that?

Hmm.

Where's your father, Archie?

Dad?

He's, um...

Dad died...

a long time ago, I'm sorry.

No, I...

..I thought so.

Otherwise, he'd have come
to get me, wouldn't he?

Mm-hm.

Poor man. He must have
died of a broken heart,

being separated from his
wife all those years.

Yes, I expect that's
what happened, exactly.

- And what about you?
- Me?

Why didn't you come
and get me? Why?

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I-I-I wanted to.

You know, every time I asked,
they said you were not ready,

you couldn't come home.

Here you go, Mother.

Come in, come in.

Now the driver will bring
up your bag in a second.

This is it. What do you think?

It's your new home, Mum.

Will you... Will you
live here with me?

I... I'd like to. I have
a career in America.

And... And a wife.

- A wife?
- Yes. Well...

in name mostly, we're not
getting on so well at the moment.

But yes.

You don't need a wife
now you've got me.

You won't be alone.

You've got help here
for as long as you need.

And I'll make sure you have
everything you want, everything.

You'll be safe here,
you'll be happy.

I mean, it is
splendid, isn't it?

Cary, they're all so beautiful!

You're so generous!

Okay, next up,
Yves Saint Laurent.

Oh, wow! Wow!

You are very, very beautiful.

On the inside and out, you
are a beautiful person.

Why did that sound ominous?

Well, it shouldn't.

Everything is copacetic.

What in God's name
does that mean?

Uh, well...

Um, well, very satisfactory.

In perfect order.

You have the most amazing taste
of anybody I've ever known.

Oh, I thank you.

Really. I thank my father
for my sense of style.

That's nice.

That's the first time I've
heard you mention him.

It's the only good
thing he ever gave me.

Cary, why did you buy
me a whole new wardrobe?

Ah, well now, that's
where it gets interesting.

Because, you see, England's
not known for its balmy weather

and I want to make
sure you keep warm.

England?

I have to go to London for
a meeting with the producer

and director of the
Audrey Hepburn movie...

Obviously, pay a
visit to my mother.

And I, um, I wondered
if you weren't busy,

if you might come with me?

Are you kidding?

About Elsie Leach? Never.

Oh, my God, I'm so excited!

Okay!

Great.

I have to go and choose
some new outfits!

It's that one.

- Are you ready?
- Do I look okay?

Yes.

Hello?

- Oh!
- Hello, hello!

Ooh!

Mother, this is Dyan,
I told you about.

She is very important to me.

Oh, so this is the
latest one, is it?

I'm very pleased to
meet you, Mrs Leach.

Well, come in, then! Come in!

Oh, Mrs Mapley in the butcher's said
she saw you in the Doris Day film

and you were very dashing.

I haven't seen it myself.

I'm sorry, but I was saving
up to watch it with you.

Ah. Da-da!

- What's that?
- Well, it's for you.

To keep you warm.

- When?
- When you go out?

I seldom go anywhere these days.

Well...

- Come on. Try it on.
- No, no.

Why don't you try it on,
Betsy? I'm not in the mood.

Her name's Dyan, Mother.

Well, I'm afraid I can't
keep track of them all.

- Here, I'll model it for you.
- Okay.

- Here.
- Oh...

Oh, my God!

- What about that?
- It's amazing.

- Cary, this is beautiful.
- You keep it, then, dear.

I shan't be getting
the wear out of it.

- I'll hang it up somewhere.
- Right.

And when the winter comes,
you'll be glad of it.

So where did he meet
you, then, Betsy?

There's a big difference
in your ages, isn't there?

I'll admit I am much younger
than your son, Mrs Leach.

But that doesn't mean I
care about him any less

or that we can't enjoy
spending time together.

Don't know what he wants to do
for lunch, I've got nothing in.

Would you excuse me
for a moment? I just...

want to see if he
needs any help.

What are you doing? You can't
just leave me in there with her?

It would have been a lot
worse if I was in there.

She's trying to get
a reaction out of me.

She always does it.

Honestly, you're
better off by yourself.

Go, go.

Not wanted out there either?

Is there anything I
can do for you, Elsie?

In what respect?

Well, I know about
hair and make-up.

How about I do your hair
for you or maybe your nails?

You really are a fluttery
little thing, aren't you?

No substance.

Go on, then, you may do my
nails if it makes you happy.

Great.

London was wonderful,
it was my first visit.

Cary had movie business there.

And, of course, this is
my first visit to Bristol.

It must be so good to have
him back in your life again?

Yeah.

It was very confusing at first.

Seeing him grown into a man.
So tall and so good-looking.

I thought we could
be together again,

you know, but he... he
went back to America,

and he just comes over to
visit a couple of times a year.

Why don't you come over
there and live with him?

I'm sure he'd love to have you.

He's always coming up
with excuses to stop me.

Well, I'll talk to him.

He wants to keep me in
his little mother box,

along with all his other boxes.

Sorry, this is the only colour
I had in my travel valise.

And in any case, I don't
think I'd be happy there.

People are too vulgar.

You're absolutely right.

They are terribly vulgar.

He'll never take the place
of his dad, that's for sure.

I think he realises that.

But every time he goes away,
I do miss Archie so terribly.

Each time, it's... as
if I've lost him again.

- He doesn't like red.
- He'll love it because it's on you.

- No! No, dear! No!
- Hold still, I'm nearly done.

- I think they look terrific.
- I said no!

GLASS SHATTERS

I don't want you here! I
don't want you in my home!

Look what you've done to me!
You've made me look like a wh*re!

I don't want you here!

- Mother, let's not get overexcited!
- Get her away from me!

Get her away! I want her gone!

That was very unfair.

Dyan was in tears when I
got her back to the hotel.

She's not right for you.

Now, where have I
heard that before?

Where d'you find
her? Kindergarten?

Now, now, don't be spiteful.

Who the hell is ever
going to be right for me?

I can only say what I feel.

You're not a toddler,
and that's not true.

You can keep your
feelings to yourself.

I don't think you really want
me to settle down with anyone.

Oh, that's nonsense!

I just want to see a little
bit more of you, that's all.

Well, I'll... I'll try
and get over more often.

She said I could come
over and live with you?

You know that's not a good
idea, the doctors say so.

The strain of the journey and
new circumstances, surroundings,

bacteria and germs and
foreign water and...

You couldn't take it. Too risky.

Sometimes you remind me
so much of your father.

I'd really appreciate it

if you didn't mention her
coming to America again.

Okay, I shouldn't
have said that.

But why can't she come
and live with you?

Because when I'm around
her, I'm the boy who, who...

had nothing, had
everything taken away.

And back home,
I'm... I'm something.

I'm Cary Grant.

The two can never mix.

She kept calling me Betsy.

- She obviously liked her?
- Oh, God, no.

She was horrible to
her. To all my ex-wives.

She just wants me to herself.

She even hated Barbara
who she never met,

because she found out her
family had owned Woolworth's

and she hadn't got
a discount voucher.

SHE LAUGHS

I don't know.

I can never give
her her son back.

She can never give
me my childhood.

We're stuck in an
endless cycle...

..of pain and shame.

Or she is, at least.

I've got you now.

For which I am
incredibly grateful.

So I'll make up
the sofa as a bed.

No.

I want you in my bed.

With me.

Are you sure?

Yeah.

It's the right time.

PLEASURED GROANS

Why didn't you finish?

Well, why do you think?

But I told you,
I'm wearing a cap.

We don't want to
take any chances.

I bring gifts!
And exciting news!

Hey, babe!

Hey, baby! Hey, baby! Mwah!

Oh, I'm sorry!

I didn't realise
you had company.

Hello, darling. This
is, uh, Dr Hartman.

Morty to his friends.

- How do you do?
- Pleased to meet you.

And this is Bangs.

- You're not sick?
- No, no, no, darling.

Dr Hartman's here to, um,
supervise a therapy session.

He's my wise Mahatma.

Oh...

Er, perhaps you would
like to join us, Dyan?

No, thank you. I'm not
into anything like that.

Dr Hartman, would you
excuse us for a moment?

Of course.

Do you have to do
this right now?

Well, I'm sorry but...

Cary, you know how
I feel about drugs.

Well, it's always a
very difficult time

when I come back from
visiting my mother.

I would like us to experience
things. Well, everything...

together.

It's perfectly safe. I've
done it dozens of times.

Well, you know, if you're
not happy, then forget it.

It's fine.

All right, Bangs,
we'll forget it.

Woof!

And what was your news?

Oh! Danny Kaye wants me
to be on his TV show.

He's offered me one of the singing
slots. Isn't that fantastic?

Singing? Are you sure?

It could lead to other
things. I'm so excited!

Oh, that's great.

Aren't you happy for me?

If it makes you happy,
then it makes me happy.

Oh, I... I got ice cream.

I should put it in the freezer.

- I can take Bangs for a bit?
- No.

CARY: I can understand,
people get scared of drugs.

Hey!

Are you coming in?

Great.

I'm nervous about this.

Sure.

It's going to be fine.

I promise you.

Better than fine.

L'chaim!

Just put it under
your tongue, Dyan.

And now sit back and relax.

I can see the air.

Cary, these horses
are so beautiful!

I'm just going to walk
around here for a little bit.

Ah... Ah...

- Ah...
- Stop squeezing me!

- Oh...
- I'm just walking again!

Oh...

- Cary?
- Hmm?

- It's not working.
- Hmm?

Cary, it's not working!

Cary, I don't feel good.

Hmm?

I feel sick.

I don't feel good.
I don't like it.

I don't like it,
Cary! I'm scared!

Dyan, you can ask the
universe anything you want.

I don't like it! Make it stop!

Welcome back, sweet child.

How are you feeling?

What happened?

You were having a bad reaction,

so Dr Hartman gave you some
Secanol to bring you down.

How long have I been asleep?

Eighteen hours.

Can I get you some tea?

I feel like I've been
run over by a truck.

I am never doing that again.

From Television
City in Hollywood,

it's The Danny Kaye Show.

Camera's rolling!

Five, four...

Our next guest is a bright,
talented, charming young lady

making a name for herself
on stage and screen.

Ladies and gentlemen,
we're delighted to welcome

Miss Dyan Cannon.

♪ I wanted the music

♪ To play on forever

♪ Have I stayed too
long At the fair?

♪ I wanted the clown
To be constantly clever

♪ Have I stayed too
long At the fair?

♪ I bought me a blue ribbon

♪ To tie up my hair

♪ But I couldn't
find anybody To care

♪ Merry-go-round is
beginning To slow down

♪ Have I stayed too
long At the fair? ♪

Danny thinks I should
do some cabaret dates.

Maybe even a tour. He wants to
talk to me about it tonight.

Hey, get dressed!
Everybody'll be here soon.

Oh, this place is a... Well, it used
to be a bastion of peace for me.

It's a party. It'll be fun.

Oh, yes?

What on earth are you wearing?

You don't like it?

What about all the
clothes I bought you?

Is there nothing there that
meets with your approval?

Cary, please don't sulk.

I just grabbed this
outfit without thinking.

I'm not sulking, dear child.

I'm just perplexed why you
want to look so vulgar.

Do you have nothing to say
about how I did tonight?

In what sense?

Not one word on Danny's show.
It was a big deal for me.

And what about me doing cabaret?

Well, you did very well tonight.

But as for cabaret dates, if
we're going to be together,

I would really like to
see you from time to time.

You know, my job is not being
Cary Grant's latest girlfriend,

Just sitting around
waiting for his call.

as*h*le!

I see.

♪ I took my troubles
down To Madame Rue

♪ You know that gypsy
With the gold-capped tooth

♪ She's got a pad
down on 34th and Vine

♪ Selling little bottles
of Love Potion Number 9

♪ I didn't know if
it was day Or night

♪ I started kissing
everything In sight... ♪

SHE YELPS HAPPILY

SHE SQUEALS, THEN LAUGHS

- Do you want to cut in?
- I'm going to get some ice.

You know, Dyan...

men who have difficult
relationships with their mothers

always carry it over
to the women they love.

♪ Love Potion Number 9. ♪

So I said to him,

"With one as big as that,
you ought to be in a circus!"

LAUGHTER

Okay, who's for some champagne?

Here we go!

CHEERING

They've agreed to
everything, your fee,

to you producing it,
75% of the gross.

And after a year, the
movie belongs to you.

Yes. I don't know, Stanley.

I'm worried about it.

Audrey Hepburn is 25
years younger than me.

Won't the audience begin to think
I'm some kind of cradle snatcher?

Did you hear what a
deal I just got you?

Yes, yes.

Hey, Dyan!

Will you tell Cary
that he's not too old

to have a relationship
with Audrey Hepburn?

Audrey Hepburn?
She's older than me.

It's my screen
persona, silly child.

Just... just leave it.

So, it's okay to have a "silly
child" like me in real life,

but in La La Land, it
makes you look ridiculous?

I...

Well, she's certainly spirited.

I don't know why she has to
make such a show of everything.

- Oh, Cary, no, no.
- No!

Stanley, I won't have
it under my roof.

My personal life is none
of anyone else's business.

Surely even you understand that?

"Even me"? So I'm dumb, am I?

A little scatterbrain
with no point of view?

That's not what I meant.
I'm saying Cary Grant

is a character that
I have created.

I have to be very careful
about how he's perceived.

If it's not what you meant,
then why did you say it?

- You obviously feel it.
- Oh, God!

Another f*cking
argument about nothing!

Do you live to goad
and infuriate me?

Because it's all
about you, isn't it?

Cary Grant. Well,
you're him and he's you.

If you don't understand the
hypocrisy in your position,

then clearly you're the dumb
one in this relationship!

I'm going to talk to my
business partner. You stay here.

Stay away from us!

Your life is so sad.

Is that so?

Look at all of these
invitations in the mail.

All of the names in
your address book.

And who do you spend your
time with? Stanley Fox.

What? You're worried
Stanley's going to hear me?

Yes, I bloody am! It's rude. When
did you get to be so insolent?

When did you get
to be such a jerk?

Everything's a f*cking
confrontation with you!

You mistake a different point
of view for a confrontation.

Yes, I am young, which means
I want to have some fun!

I want to go out and play!

I am so bored of living up on
this hill and doing nothing!

Will you shut the f*ck
up? GLASS SHATTERS

- I'm done. I'm leaving.
- Good!

And you can take that
f*cking rat with you!

Oh, f*ck off!

- Mr Grant?
- I'm fine! So...

I'm fine. Thank you, Mae.

So, how's Dyan?

Yes, of course you know
her name now, don't you?

We're not together
any more. She left me.

Oh, the cheek of it!

She's uncontrollable, that one.

That's for sure.

So, who are you with now?

Nobody.

Just me.

Anyway, it's nice that
you came to see me.

Well, I had a script
conference anyway

for a new movie I'm doing so...

Got to have an
excuse to visit me?

Mum, I'm tired, I'm jet-lagged.

Let's please not have
an argument, all right?

I don't think I really
want to do it any more.

Nobody wants to see an old man
in his 60s up on the screen.

Young people don't
know who I am,

I'm just some old geezer
with a weird accent.

Well, if you are thinking of
giving up your career, you...

you've no need to stay out
there in America, have you?

Why don't you come over
here and live with me, mm?

- Mm-hm.
- Well, why not?

I'm lonely and I
imagine you are too now.

Yeah. You know, I might
just take you up on that.

But first, I'm going to take
you for some fish and chips.

- Oh, you spoil me!
- I'm starving.

Oh, lovely!

Exit music, please. And...

- One, two, three...
- I can't dance any more!

And action!

I don't bite, you know.

Unless it's called for.

How would you like a spanking?

How would you like
a punch on the nose?

Stop treating me like a child!

Then stop behaving like one.

If you want to tell me
what's troubling you, fine.

If not, it's late, I'm tired
and I want to go home to bed.

Do you know what's
wrong with you?

No. What?

Nothing.

And cut!

Yeah, I think it really works.

Audrey's the aggressor here,
she's the one hitting on you.

Happy?

Jumping for joy.

BELL RINGS

It doesn't sound like
you're over this girl.

Well, I mean, it's over.

I mean, it's done
and dusted really.

Then why are you still
talking about her?

You say you don't want her and
she clearly doesn't want you.

So that's it, isn't it?

I mean, I'm too old for her.

And, anyway, she's too young
for me, that's for sure.

Cary, darling, I
don't want to be rude,

but you are in danger
of being boring.

Ah...

Forget her. Move on.

It's not like there aren't

plenty of other opportunities
out there for you.

You're right. Thank you.

You're right.

Okay, guys. Can we
have you back on set?

Yeah.

TELEPHONE RINGS

- Hello, Mother dear.
- 'Hello, Cary.'

'How is it over there?'

Did Archie get the
photos I sent you?

Yes, he did.

'I had them taken specially.

'I'm a young old mother,
don't you think, dear?'

- Oh, you look lovely.
- 'Yeah, well...'

I took your suggestion and I went
to look at the most wonderful house.

'Your cousin Eric came with me.
It's five bedrooms, Westbury Park.'

I think it would
be perfect for us.

Well, that's great.

Maybe I should buy it?

Archie, you make me so happy.

So, when do you think you'll
come home to me, my love?

Oh, I don't know.

Maybe soon.

Well, as long as
it's what you want.

- Hmm.
- 'That's my only concern.'

Oh, someone's at the door,
Mother. I have to go.

You keep well.

- Don't do this, Dyan.
- 'I can't... No, please.'

- I love you and...
- 'No, Cary...'

..I know you love me.

'They're just words, Cary.
They're very easy to say.

'Please don't call me
any more.' SHE HANGS UP

But...

Did you... Did you like it?

I loved him in that. I
thought he was so cool.

No way. I got...

Oh, my God.

Go, go and see what he wants.

- Dyan? Go!
- Oh...

Hi. Hi.

What are you doing here?

I... I have to ask
you a question.

And it couldn't wait?

No.

- Can we just, uh...
- No!

What do you want to know?

Will you marry me?

That's how you ask me?

You behaved like
a pig and now...

Why? What's changed?

Because...

..my life doesn't make
any sense without you.

Because you're...
you're everything.

You're perfect.

Because...

And I behaved badly because I...

I was so scared of
how much I need you.

How much I love you.

Do you want me to
go down on one knee?

- No, no. I... No.
- No?

No.

- Oh! No. Yes!
- Yes?

SHE LAUGHS

- No!
- What are you saying?

Yes.

- Yes?
- Yes!

- Really?
- Yes.

Oh, my God!

Hmm!

She said yes!

I love you.

I love you too.

- Good morning, Cary Grant.
- Ah, Dyan Cannon!

As I live and breathe!

Hey, these are really good.

- Where did you find that?
- In your drawer.

I woke up feeling starved.

So, you looked in my drawer?

It's probably not the most
recommended breakfast food

by nutritionists.

It is good. They're
very hard to come by.

I had them imported.

- You don't mind, do you?
- No. Of course not.

This is perfect.

I'm so happy.

Ah!

Me too. Perfect.

"Dearest Mother, the
reason for my letter

is I have some wonderful news.

I have proposed to Dyan
and we are soon to be wed.

We look forward to seeing you again
soon as a happily married couple.

Your loving son, Archie."

Hello, Elsie! It's
just me, Eric.

Are you all right, love?

I want you to go.

Archie told me to
look in on you.

Go on, get out.

- Are you sure you're all right?
- Get out! Now!

And tell him he's making the
biggest mistake of his life!

No, I don't like it.

Well, tell them to look again.

Well, tell them it has to
be done, it's not a choice.

Don't run, please!

- It buzzes me up.
- "Hi, Dyan."

Shh!

Yes. All right, well,
just tell him it has to.

Then that'll be
fine. Okay, bye-bye.

Yes?

Oh!

"Oh, you've brought me a
treat, how thoughtful."

Wonderful! Thank you
so much, my dear child.

Ah!

Mmm!

I love plastic cheese!

Mmm!

Cary, if I ask you a question,
will you give me an honest answer?

Of course.

Have you had a change of heart?

Why would you ask that?

When I'm with you, it's like half
the time, you're not even there.

And when you are, you
criticise me non-stop.

"Don't slam the door.
Always use a coaster.

Close your mouth when
you're relaxing it."

And then just now, I was excited
to see you, for God's sake.

What's your point?

My point is, if something's
bothering either one of us,

we should be able to talk
about it with each other.

That's the kind of marriage I
want. And I hope you do too.

Do you still want to marry me?

Look...

I'm sorry.

It's nothing to do
with you, it's work.

I've been having trouble
deciding on my next project.

I... I'm finding it
increasingly... I...

I don't know who I'm
supposed to be out there.

Okay. So everything's
okay between us?

Yes, of course,
everything's fine.

We're great.

I needed to hear that.
Today of all days.

I have something for you.

Oh, okay.

You're gonna be a father.