02x01 - Episode 1

[bunniefuu]

This programme contains

strong language and adult themes.

NEWSREEL: From starry-eyed sirens

to sparkling sights of another kind,

all through the year

the work goes on

all through the year

the work goes on

for the biggest day

in the town's calendar.

35,000 coloured lamps will shimmer

and shine in splendour.

No, sir, not Christmas,

not Bonfire Night

No, sir, not Christmas,

not Bonfire Night

the Blackpool Illuminations.

(CHEERING, WHISTLING) But the

question on everyone's lips is

who is this year's celebrity

to do the big switch on?

who is this year's celebrity

to do the big switch on?

♪ THE TREMELOES: Here Comes My Baby

(CHEERING, WHISTLING)

(CHEERING, WHISTLING)

Oh, my God!

(SPEECH DROWNED OUT BY MUSIC)

Oh, my God!

(SPEECH DROWNED OUT BY MUSIC)

♪ He's walking along that lonely mile

♪ He's walking along that lonely mile

♪ And every time I do

♪ I keep seeing this picture

Of you

♪ I keep seeing this picture

Of you

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(SHUTTERS CLICK)

Come on! Let's have a family shot!

♪ Here comes my baby

♪ Here she comes now

♪ Here she comes now

♪ Walking with her love

With her love ♪

Smile, everyone.

She's the star of Jim and Barbara,

She's the star of Jim and Barbara,

so let's all stamp our feet

and shout

as loud as our Lancashire lungs

will let us

for Miss Sophie Straw!

for Miss Sophie Straw!

(CHEERING)

Ey up, c*ck!

Ey up, c*ck!

By heck, it's good to be back.

(LAUGHTER)

When I was little,

the highlight of my year was watching

these lights get switched on.

Do you remember George Formby

tickling his banjulele?

Do you remember George Formby

tickling his banjulele?

And who can forget

the gorgeous Hollywood star

Jayne Mansfield?

the gorgeous Hollywood star

Jayne Mansfield?

(OOHING)

Ooh-hoo-hoo!

Bucket of ice for Mr Mayor.

(LAUGHTER)

I hardly dared dream

that one day it would be me up here.

I hardly dared dream

that one day it would be me up here.

But here I am!

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Now, shall we get on with it?

(CHEERING)

How's your counting?

(CHEERING)

How's your counting?

ALL: Five, four

two, three, one! (LAUGHS)

two, three, one! (LAUGHS)

(CHEERING)

♪ DUSTY SPRINGFIELD:

I Only Want To Be With You

♪ DUSTY SPRINGFIELD:

I Only Want To Be With You

♪ I don't know what it is

That makes me love you so

♪ I don't know what it is

That makes me love you so

♪ I only know

I never want to let you go

♪ Cos you started something

Oh, can't you see?

♪ Cos you started something

Oh, can't you see?

♪ That ever since we met

You've had a hold on me

♪ It happens to be true

♪ It happens to be true

♪ I only want to be with you

♪ It doesn't matter where you go

Or what you do

♪ It doesn't matter where you go

Or what you do

♪ I want to spend each moment

Of the day with you

♪ Well, look what has happened

With just one kiss

♪ I never knew

That I could be in love like this

♪ I never knew

That I could be in love like this

♪ It's crazy but it's true

♪ I only want to be with you ♪

♪ I only want to be with you ♪

(RATTLES)

Ta-da.

Ta-da.

(THEATRICALLY) Ta-da!

(GASPS)

(THEATRICALLY) Ta-da!

(GASPS)

Oh, that Flatley dryer's got to go.

It's like sticking your head

in a concrete mixer.

I preferred it festooned

with Marjorie's damp pants,

I preferred it festooned

with Marjorie's damp pants,

like gusset-y bunting.

Mwah.

Oh, get away, go on, yer!

Jesus, that's a big lad.

Jesus, that's a big lad.

So, how was it, then?

How was the Blackpool lights?

Were there thousands of adoring fans

screaming your name?

Were there thousands of adoring fans

screaming your name?

Did you not see it on the news?

Oh, did we not see that one?

No, I missed that.

(CHUCKLES)

Bog off. It's an honour to be asked.

Bog off. It's an honour to be asked.

Did they turn up, then? Your family?

Family? It's more like

a bag of broken biscuits.

Right, well,

Marj's special tea it is, then.

Sign this.

Andkiss that.

Andkiss that.

(LAUGHS) Mwah!

Diane.

Thank you.

Whoa!

Whoa!

Here she is, lady bountiful.

Spread the wealth.

Diane's just helping me out

until she finds some proper work.

Actually, I started a new

secretarial job on Thursday.

Actually, I started a new

secretarial job on Thursday.

Oh, that's great.

I got fired on

Friday

for not having sex with the boss.

Friday

for not having sex with the boss.

Dirty dog.

Did you report him?

To who?

Well, we've been having

these meetings at work

Well, we've been having

these meetings at work

talking about better

working conditions and equal pay.

Yeah, like that'll ever happen.Maybe

that's a feature piece I could sell.

Well, yeah,

instead of sitting round here,

Well, yeah,

instead of sitting round here,

replying to madame's

creepy fan mail.

My fans are lovely.

Oh, lovely?!

This one has sent you

a bit of his

This one has sent you

a bit of his

down-there hair

stuck on with Sellotape.

Oh, yeah, that'll be

Denzil from Devon. He's a regular.

I'm surprised

he's got any pubes left.

I'm surprised

he's got any pubes left.

The press were sniffing around again,

asking who my new fella is.

How is Dennis?Imagine he's got

a healthy set of pubes.

How is Dennis?Imagine he's got

a healthy set of pubes.

Marjorie!

So, it's still under the radar?

We're not allowed

to be seen alone together,

not until the divorce comes through.

But not long now, though.

But not long now, though.

(SIGHS)

Oh, it's mad how much I miss him.

I keep imagining Dennis

and the lads having a brilliant time

without me over on the other side.

(MONOTONOUSLY) I blame

Harold bleedin' Wilson.

(MONOTONOUSLY) I blame

Harold bleedin' Wilson.

He encouraged these lazy beatniks

and long-haired layabouts,

so shut your pie-hole,

you silly old nag.

If you call me a silly old nag

one more timeI shall leave you.

If you call me a silly old nag

one more timeI shall leave you.

Shut your pie-hole,

you silly old nag.

Right. I warned you. I'm off.

Right. I warned you. I'm off.

Where are you going?

Anywhere you're not.

DENNIS: Very good. Thank you, Dilys.

Thank you, Ronald.

Oh, just a um

a prescription.

It's doctor'sdoctor's orders.

(COUGHS)

(COUGHS)

(STAMMERS) Dennis, um

could we suggest -

Could I suggest

actually, we put in a line

about these bloody immigrants

actually, we put in a line

about these bloody immigrants

coming over here -

Yes, Ronald.

Um If you could, please, just

hold that thought for just a second,

thank you. Yes, Tony?

hold that thought for just a second,

thank you. Yes, Tony?

Yeah, no, yeah. Um

Just that umwell

we-we imagined um

we-we imagined um

this couple to

be a little less

A bit more

A bit more

..like us.

Yeah.

Well, I'm

Well, I'm

I'm sure the accents

will come along.

Oh, rest assured, the accents

will arrive at the station.

We are classically trained actors.

We are classically trained actors.

I was Puck

to Larry Olivier's Bottom.

(CHUCKLES)

Blimey.

Oh.

DILYS: Oh, it's nothing.

DILYS: Oh, it's nothing.

That's it.

MAN: So, here we are

at the good old rehearsal rooms.

MAN: So, here we are

at the good old rehearsal rooms.

Your first day on Just Barbara

with a brand new team.

They've got some splendid ideas.

(CLEARS THROAT)

And they're very excited

to meet you.(CHUCKLES)

They've worked with absolutely

everybody from Jimmy Edwards

They've worked with absolutely

everybody from Jimmy Edwards

to, well, the Carry On team

Ooh!..and beyond.

My personal favourite

was their hilarious sitcom about

a husband-and-wife tennis team.

I loved that one!

Ah, and yes, here we are.

I loved that one!

Ah, and yes, here we are.

Sophie Straw,

meet Colin Curry and Leslie Lanagan.

Hiya.

It is a real pleasure.

It's lovely to meet you.

It is a real pleasure.

It's lovely to meet you.

It is an honour, Miss Straw.Oh, no.

No, no, the honour is all mine.

I grew up watching your TV shows.

New ba*ls, please!

(LAUGHTER)

New ba*ls, please!

(LAUGHTER)

That was one of yours, Leslie.

Good pun. I salute you, Leslie.

Well, no, I salute you.

No, I salute you, Leslie.

Nonsense, Sir Colin.I salute you.

I saluted you first.Uh

Nonsense, Sir Colin.I salute you.

I saluted you first.Uh

I have a very good feeling

about this, indeed.

Splendid!

Why don't we uh

get it on its feet?

I don't do standing-up acting

until the dress run.

She doesn't do sitting-down acting,

either, as far as I recall.

She doesn't do sitting-down acting,

either, as far as I recall.

Oh, isn't bitterness

an unattractive quality?

At least I've got a f*cking quality,

dear.But I've got top billing.

TONY: Are we on-script

or off-script right now?

TONY: Are we on-script

or off-script right now?

Why don't we um

channel some of this energy

and read it one more time?

I don't rehearse after 11:00am.

I don't rehearse after 11:00am.

So, we went away,

and we had some thoughts about

what job Barbara could do.

what job Barbara could do.

Great. Well, she's got

to earn her own keep.

She's modern, independent

free-thinking.

She's a cat burglar.

She's a cat burglar.

Crikey.

Yes.

So, we thought she could

run a ring of lady cat burglars

So, we thought she could

run a ring of lady cat burglars

who call themselves, wait for it

He's coming, he's coming with it.

I'm coming. (LAUGHS)

Nickers.

(LAUGHTER)I salute you.

Nickers.

(LAUGHTER)I salute you.

No, I salute you, Sir Leslie.

No, I salute you.

Now, no disrespect, Miss Straw,

but 'nickers' with an N.

Yeah, because they nick stuff.

And 'nickers' is a very funny word.

Yeah, because they nick stuff.

And 'nickers' is a very funny word.

Exactly. Now, did we also say

she will be wearing

a slinky leather catsuit?

she will be wearing

a slinky leather catsuit?

Oh. Goodness.

Call my agent. He's generally open

before lunch on Tuesdays.

Call my agent. He's generally open

before lunch on Tuesdays.

Ask him if Dickie Lester's got back

about that thing.Yes. Um

Perhaps we could uh

deal with that later.

I'd like to remind you

that we have a dress rehearsal soon

I'd like to remind you

that we have a dress rehearsal soon

in front of the team

from the comedy department.

Uh Will there be peonies?

I always have peonies

in my dressing room?

I always have peonies

in my dressing room?

Why don't I get 'peonies'

in my dressing room?

Trolly dolly.

Oh! YeahThis

This Now, this is good.

This Now, this is good.

So.Here we are.

Barbara gets a job as

an air hostess.

She wants to marry an airline pilot.

So

She wants to marry an airline pilot.

So

she wants to get to the front

of the plane, the uhthe c*ck.

Another funny word.

Finally, you get there.

Finally, you get there.

You go through the special door,

and here is the zinger.

(GASPS) The Captain's a woman.

What? N

What? N

No, no, no, no. No, no, no.

She gets her skirt caught

in the emergency door lock,

and then (MIMICS SKIRT RIPPING)

(LAUGHS)

..she's suddenly

in front of the Captain, and uh

In her underwear.

Yeah.(SIGHS)

(CHUCKLES)

(CHUCKLES)

Anyone for a liquid lunch?

Ah, no, we should uh

finish what we're doing here first.

Why bother?

Why bother?

It's a f*cking joke desert

after page seven.

(CACKLES)

(MUMBLES)

(CACKLES)

(MUMBLES)

I see Just Barbara as a sitcom

about a modern woman from the North

getting into funny situations

in swinging London.

getting into funny situations

in swinging London.

Could she still wear the catsuit?

(SIGHS)

(QUIET CHATTER)

As much as I would love to stay in

the pub all day playing dominoes,

we do actually have work to do.

NoNo

we do actually have work to do.

NoNo

Most great writers don't get started

till they've necked a pint of gin.

Right, Tony?Right, yeah. Yes.

Dylan Thomas, Brendan Behan.

Hemingway.

Yeah, yeah, all brilliant.Yes.

Hemingway.

Yeah, yeah, all brilliant.Yes.

And all quite dead.

No, no, no.No, no.

No, listen,

why don't we just have one more?

That's it.

Yeah.

MARJ: Come on, just a quick one.

Oh.Oh!

Look who it is!

Oh.Oh!

Look who it is!

It's Marjorie, Dianeand Sophie.

What a coincidence! Barman.

What a coincidence! Barman.

♪ You're my world

You're every breath I take

♪ You're my world

♪ You're every move I make

♪ Other eyes see the stars ♪

(SHUTTER CLICKS)

It's good to see you, Miss Straw.

It's good to see you, Miss Straw.

Hello, Mr Mahindra.

DIANE: Sophie.

Dennis.

I've got a great seat for you.

There you are.

I've got a great seat for you.

There you are.

Another brilliant waistcoat. How

you been?Justhere. Wonderful.

To the awkward squad.

(CHEERING)

We have made the male character

a horrible, ranting, old bigot.

We have made the male character

a horrible, ranting, old bigot.

And as luck would have it,

the actor Ronald

is a horrible, ranting, old bigot.

Yeah.

I'm ready to pack it in and hand

the money back, to be honest.No.

I'm ready to pack it in and hand

the money back, to be honest.No.

June's already spent half my cash.

She's ordered a massive pram.

I dunno how big she thinks

this baby is gonna be,

but I reckon I could fit in it.

You do actually look like

a giant mewling infant.

You do actually look like

a giant mewling infant.

Mm, you smell like one. Did your mum

forget to change your nappy?

Did your mum forget

to leave you in a bin?

Did your mum forget

to leave you in a bin?

Oh.Do you miss all this

sophisticated banter?

I miss it all.

MARJ: Alright, my round.

What's it gonna be?

MARJ: Alright, my round.

What's it gonna be?

There you are.

Can I just grab

Oh, God! Oh, I'm so sorry, miss.

Excuse me. Geez.

Oh. I hope your boyfriend

doesn't come over and bash me.

Oh. I hope your boyfriend

doesn't come over and bash me.

Boyfriend? Don't be daft.

Oh, your husband, then.

Hu

I wouldn't marry any of that lot.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Just grab these.Yeah.

LANDLADY: Alright, love?

Whatcha havin'?Uh

Three gin and tonics, a whisky

and two Guinness, please. (EXHALES)

Three gin and tonics, a whisky

and two Guinness, please. (EXHALES)

You don't often see a lady

getting the rounds in.

Yeah, well, why not?

Might get paid less,

but it's all worth the same, innit?

Might get paid less,

but it's all worth the same, innit?

Hm. Well, you've told me.

I'm Roger, by the way.

Marjorie. Marj, if you like.

Marjorie. Marj, if you like.

I do like.

(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)Alright,

that is for those two fellas.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)Alright,

that is for those two fellas.

Has Marj found a new friend?

Everyone, this is Roger.

Yes, hello, Roger.

Everyone say, 'Hi, Roger.'

Yes, hello, Roger.

Everyone say, 'Hi, Roger.'

ALL: Hi, Roger.

Would you like a seat, Rog?

No, no, no, it's alright. My mates

are baying for more beer, so

Oh, right. (LAUGHS)

Oh, right. (LAUGHS)

Sorry. Fella over there said you're

the Northern girl off the telly.

Oh, no, she gets that all the time.

Northern? Nah, nah, nah, nah.

I'm from down the road from Marj.

Dagenham.Croydon. Croydon.

I'm from down the road from Marj.

Dagenham.Croydon. Croydon.

That's the one.

Ah.

Anyways, it's nice to meet you all.

Yes, you too.Yeah. Bye, Roger.

Bye, Rog.Bye, Roger.

See you, Rog, mate.

Bye, Rog.Bye, Roger.

See you, Rog, mate.

DIANE: Wow, Marjorie's got a w*nk*r.

Ding-dong.

(SIGHS)

So, whenwhen do you think

we can be together?

So, whenwhen do you think

we can be together?

Well, you know,

meeting a lawyer, so

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Can't wait.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Can't wait.

Yeah, our sitcom's about

a couple getting divorced.

MARJ: Right, so I suppose

you've made the wife

the usual old terribly naggy trope.

Actually, Marj, we haven't, because

it's not(SHUTTER CLICKS)

Actually, Marj, we haven't, because

it's not(SHUTTER CLICKS)

♪ THE EASYBEATS: Friday On My Mind

We're surrounded.

I've got an idea. Drink up now.

♪ I'm gonna have fun in the city

♪ Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na

♪ Be with my girl, she's so pretty

♪ Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na

♪ She looks fine tonight

♪ She looks fine tonight

♪ She is out of sight to me

♪ Tonight, I'll spend my bread

♪ Tonight, I'll spend my bread

♪ Tonight, I'll lose my head

♪ Tonight, I've got to get to night

♪ Tonight, I've got to get to night

♪ Monday, I'll have Friday on my mind

♪ Gonna have fun in the city

♪ Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na

♪ Be with my girl, she's so ♪

♪ Be with my girl, she's so ♪

Now, we're all agreed

that Mrs Mahindra,

Now, we're all agreed

that Mrs Mahindra,

uhor may I say Edith

(STAMMERS) ..Mrs Mahindra

(STAMMERS) ..Mrs Mahindra

would like to get a divorce from

..you, Dennis.

Great. I mean, not great.

But great.

I mean, great as in

it shouldn't be too complicated.

We just need to sign off

on the grounds for divorce,

We just need to sign off

on the grounds for divorce,

which might be

unreasonable behaviour, cruelty,

unreasonable behaviour, cruelty,

incurable insanity

desertion or adultery.

A veritableunlucky dip.

A veritableunlucky dip.

It's adultery.

Is it? Great. Fantastic.

As in that's the quickest route.

So, we just need to find from you,

umDennis

So, we just need to find from you,

umDennis

um

the name of the lady who,

you know, you

the name of the lady who,

you know, you

- just as the co-respondent -

I'm not the one that's

(MUMBLES)

Oh, goodness me.

Well, wow. Well, wow.

Oh, goodness me.

Well, wow. Well, wow.

In that case, um (STAMMERS)

..Mrs M, we need to know from you

..Mrs M, we need to know from you

the sexsex details.

Um No, no, sorry, Dennis.

You can't divorce me.

I'll be labelled an adulteress.

I'll be labelled an adulteress.

You know my family.

They'd utterly disown me.

My career would be over.

It would ruin me.

Harlot.

Harlot.

Jezebel! sl*t!

It's true. Divorced women

do get called all sorts of things.

It's true. Divorced women

do get called all sorts of things.

Jeremy?

Yeah?

Does kissing another woman

count as grounds for adultery?

Does kissing another woman

count as grounds for adultery?

Ooh. Um

Oh, my goodness, as in you -

Not me. I didn't

Dennis did. Does it count?

Dennis did. Does it count?

Well, that's very interesting.

It'd all depend on where you kissed

her.Outside Television Centre.

No, as in, I mean,

you know, where-where-where

No, as in, I mean,

you know, where-where-where

whereabouts on the umon the body.

And alsoare there photos?

There are no photos.

We can set up some um

rudeyrudey pictures.

rudeyrudey pictures.

I've got a very spicy photographer

on my books.

Dennis, are you sure you wouldn't

like to broadcast to the world

that you're in love

with Sophie Straw?

that you're in love

with Sophie Straw?

And have her named?

She'd be sacked on the spot.

Not to mention what the press would

do to her. I'm absolutely sure.

(STAMMERS) Sorry, just

can we just wind back a second?

(STAMMERS) Sorry, just

can we just wind back a second?

You're doing it with

Sophie Straw? The Sophie Straw?

TED: We loved the 'nickers' idea.

TED: We loved the 'nickers' idea.

But you put the kibosh on it, so

rest assured, you are being heard.

I don't even know what the plot is.

Ooh, I can tell you that. (CHUCKLES)

Ooh, I can tell you that. (CHUCKLES)

So. (CLEARS THROAT)

Barbara goes on a string

of unsuccessful dates,

feels miserable, goes to the Doctor

to find out what's wrong.

feels miserable, goes to the Doctor

to find out what's wrong.

Falls in love with the Doctor.

Who's playing the Doctor?

Casting are looking for a Clive

Richardson typebut different.

Casting are looking for a Clive

Richardson typebut different.

So, basically, you're just trying

to rehash Jim And Barbara?

Colin and Leslie are professionals.

But they're not girls.

They don't understand

what a young woman feels like.

They don't understand

what a young woman feels like.

I mean, what it's like to be a woman

out there on her own in the big city.

Bill and Tony and Dennis included me,

and what we did felt right.

Bill and Tony and Dennis included me,

and what we did felt right.

Please can we borrow them back? They

could write under a different name.

Mm. Perhaps the name 'Traitors'.

Mm. Perhaps the name 'Traitors'.

EDITH: Please just f*ck her, Dennis,

it would solve all our problems.

I mean, whatever you're doing,

Dennis, you need to bottle that.

I mean, whatever you're doing,

Dennis, you need to bottle that.

I mean, Edith is, you know, wow.

And then

umwell, Sophie Straw is,

you know, blimey.

umwell, Sophie Straw is,

you know, blimey.

It's like something from a James

Bond film.Sorry, but can we focus?

Yeah.

I want to start a family.

With Vernon Whitfield?

Of course with Vernon.

With Vernon Whitfield?

Of course with Vernon.

And if I have them out of wedlock,

the children would be b*stards.

Obviously - they're Vernon's.

(LAUGHS)

I mean, the problem is,

because you won'tcommit adultery,

and you won't admit to adultery,

you're in a bit of a pickle here.

you're in a bit of a pickle here.

This is absurd. I'm going

to instruct a proper lawyer.

Oh, come on, that's

Dennis. Really?

Oh, for God's sake.

Now, look, Dennis, sit down.

Oh, for God's sake.

Now, look, Dennis, sit down.

Listen, Dennis.

(DOOR OPENS)

A word to the wise.

(DOOR CLOSES)

If you don't want

to drag her into this,

If you don't want

to drag her into this,

don't get photographed

with Sophie Straw.

There's no-one on God's Earth

There's no-one on God's Earth

that will think that you're not

(INHALES, CLEARS THROAT)

(INHALES, CLEARS THROAT)

(DOOR OPENS)

Well, thank you, Dennis.

(DOOR SLAMS)

Sir Nigel Minden-Winkworth called,

Director General.

Sir Nigel Minden-Winkworth called,

Director General.

Yes, I know who he is.

What does he want?

There's been a serious incident.

Sally White'shaving a baby.

Sally White'shaving a baby.

Sally White doesn't have a husband.

No, so she borrowed someone else's.

You'll need to find another singer.

SOPHIE: Why can't Sally White do a

show? She's pregnant, not contagious.

SOPHIE: Why can't Sally White do a

show? She's pregnant, not contagious.

An expectant woman

is not acceptable on television,

especially not one

that's committed adultery.

Mm, I notice the bloke's

not been named and shamed.

Mm, I notice the bloke's

not been named and shamed.

Sophie. (CLEARS THROAT)

Listen to me.

Just Barbara means a lot to me.

I will address

every single concern that you have.

I will address

every single concern that you have.

But you must, must trust me.

Alright?

Alright?

(RONALD GARGLING)

(DILYS WARMS UP VOCALLY)

(RONALD GARGLING)

(DILYS WARMS UP VOCALLY)

The lips, the teeth,

the tip of the tongue.

Um Could we uhrelieve Ronald

of his hip flask, please?

Um Could we uhrelieve Ronald

of his hip flask, please?

Yeah, it uh

it might require surgery.

(DILYS WARMS UP)

WOMAN: Excuse me, Mr O'Rourke.

Can I please take your hip flask?

f*ck off!

Can I please take your hip flask?

f*ck off!

WOMAN: Oh, uh

Mr Mahindra doesn't want

too much makeup, Miss Waters.

He'd like it to feel very umreal.

He'd like it to feel very umreal.

Well, Mr Mahindra

can shove his opinion

up his very real arsehole.

♪ THE TREMELOES:

Reach Out I'll Be There

♪ THE TREMELOES:

Reach Out I'll Be There

♪ Well, if you feel

That you can't go on

♪ Because all your hope is gone

♪ Because all your hope is gone

♪ And your life

Is filled with much confusion

♪ Because happiness

Is just an illusion

♪ Because happiness

Is just an illusion

♪ And the world around

Is tumbling down

♪ So, darling, reach out

MAN: My mother-in-law hung out our

washing on the line the other day.

MAN: My mother-in-law hung out our

washing on the line the other day.

When she pegged out her pants

the neighbours

thought it was a total eclipse.

(LAUGHTER)

(LAUGHTER)

Hey, it may not be Christmas,

but you're about to set eyes

on a right cr*cker.

(LAUGHTER)

(LAUGHTER)

Well, umthank you all

for coming along to this uh

dress rehearsal of a new comedy

called Battle Lines,

written by Tony Holmes

and Bill Gardiner,

written by Tony Holmes

and Bill Gardiner,

starring Dilys Waters

(APPLAUSE)

..and Ronald O'Rourke.

(APPLAUSE)

..and Ronald O'Rourke.

(APPLAUSE)

Enjoy.

And here she is, Miss Sophie Straw!

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

♪ Ha, I'll be there ♪

I blame Harold bleedin' Wilson.

He encouraged all these lazy

beatniks and long-haired layabouts,

He encouraged all these lazy

beatniks and long-haired layabouts,

so shut your pie-hole,

you silly old nag.

(GASPS) If you call me

a silly old billy again,

I shall jolly well leave you!

I shall jolly well leave you!

Silly old billy? We'd never

write that. She's f*cked the joke!

Why can't she just say it how we -

Sitting around on their backsides

enjoying the multiple benefits

of the welfare state.

enjoying the multiple benefits

of the welfare state.

Here he comes again,

the pearly king of Kensington.

Excuse me!

Ronald is the finest character actor

of our generation.

Ronald is the finest character actor

of our generation.

His Titus Andronicus was huge.

His Titus Andronicus was huge.

You can get a cream for that.

Anyway, a minute ago,

you hated the old b*stard.

(PEOPLE MURMURING)I have never

been spoken to like that in my life!

(PEOPLE MURMURING)I have never

been spoken to like that in my life!

Really? I'm surprised.

(GASPS)Um Can we uhreset

and start again from the top?

Yeah, and can we get

two proper actors, please,

Yeah, and can we get

two proper actors, please,

instead of these stuck-up old hams?

(GASPS)

Well, I'm sorry

we're not as common as dog's muck,

you bunch of f*cking amateurs!

you bunch of f*cking amateurs!

Argh!

(GASPS)

(PEOPLE MURMURING)

Oh! Ronnie!

Oh, Jesus.

MARJ: Effing hell, Diane,

we are so late!Oh, don't worry.

MARJ: Effing hell, Diane,

we are so late!Oh, don't worry.

It hasn't started yet.

I got some posh snacks

from Fortnum & Freemason.

Do you fancy a truffle?

Wait, what hasn't started yet?

Do you fancy a truffle?

Wait, what hasn't started yet?

My new TV show.

Oh.

Oh! Oh, sorry. UmWhy have you

got your coat on, your giddy goat?

Oh! Oh, sorry. UmWhy have you

got your coat on, your giddy goat?

Us union girls are staging a um

a sit-in.(GASPS)

And it may last all night.Yeah.

Sorry, we didn't realise

your programme was tonight.

Sorry, we didn't realise

your programme was tonight.

Oh, don't worry, honestly.

It's um It's less pressure

watching it on your own.

(GLASS CLINKS)

(GLASS CLINKS)

Sit down, Diane. (EXHALES)

Sit-in can wait.

Thank you.

All they have to do

is let us cast different actors,

All they have to do

is let us cast different actors,

and Battle Lines will be perfect.

Right, Den?Mm.Stand back,

pregnant woman coming through.

Right, Den?Mm.Stand back,

pregnant woman coming through.

Pregnant? What?!

Every time. Budge up, Bill.

Alright.

(JAUNTY THEME PLAYS ON TV)

This is exciting, isn't it? (SIGHS)

(JAUNTY THEME PLAYS ON TV)

This is exciting, isn't it? (SIGHS)

(KNOCKING AT DOOR ON TV)

MAN: (ON TV) Come here, madam.

(KNOCKING AT DOOR ON TV)

MAN: (ON TV) Come here, madam.

What seems to be the problem?

SOPHIE: I'm not feeling myself.

Not feeling yourself? That's my job.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

Oh, my God.If you just lie down,

I'll get out my equipment.

Oh, my God.If you just lie down,

I'll get out my equipment.

Oh. I've heard that one before.

(EXHALES NOISILY)

(CHUCKLES)(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

MAN: I mean my medical apparatus.

Different writers.

It's a long tube with a forked end.

Different writers.

It's a long tube with a forked end.

'You should get that seen to.'

(SIGHS)

It's called a stethoscope.

Can you unbutton your shirt?

Course I can.

How else would I get ready for bed?

Course I can.

How else would I get ready for bed?

They

They said they'd cut that bit out!

Big breaths.Cheeky.

Oh.

Oh, God.

The old 'big breaths' gag.

Oh, God.

The old 'big breaths' gag.

(INHALES)Now I'll check your blood

pressure.Do you know what?

'My blood pressure is fine.'

You go on out.Mine's not!

MARJ: No!

No, no, no, no, no, no.

MARJ: No!

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Yeah.

'Yeah, Doctor. You look a bit faint.'

Go on out, go on.Thank you.

Go to your sit-on.

Sit-in, babe. It's a sit-in.

You did great.

I fancy being a doctor.

I fancy being a doctor.

Do you know what bus we getting?See

you later.See you later, bye!Bye.

(DOOR CLOSES)

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

(JAUNTY THEME MUSIC)

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

(JAUNTY THEME MUSIC)

(SIGHS)

TONY: f*ck me.

What are we gonna say to Soph?

What are we gonna say to Soph?

Could say it's a big achievement.

(SCOFFS) The costumes were nice.

(SCOFFS) The costumes were nice.

Yeah, definitely do that.

Cos we women

really love to be patronised.

(SIGHS)

Right.

ANNOUNCER: And now on TVC

(SOPHIE SIGHS)

(SOPHIE SIGHS)

(PHONE RINGS)

Hello?

MARIE: (ON PHONE)

Hello, Barbara, it's Marie.

Did you see the show?

Yes.

Yes, yes, we did.

And did -

He He did. We did. He did.

Marie?

Marie?

You shouldn't blame us, Barbara.

Marie, what do you mean?

(STAMMERS)

(APPROACHING FOOTSTEPS)

(STAMMERS)

(APPROACHING FOOTSTEPS)

We did our best. He

(EXHALES)

We didn't mean to cause any -

Marie. No.

Marie?

(WITH FORCED CHEERFULNESS) Goodbye!

(HANDSET CLATTERS)

(DISCONNECT TONE)

'But without the chemistry

of her erstwhile co-star

Clive Richardson'

'But without the chemistry

of her erstwhile co-star

Clive Richardson'

'..Miss Straw is cast adrift.

The sitcom'

'..stinks!'

Well, it's harsh, but true.

'..stinks!'

Well, it's harsh, but true.

No, what the f*ck

are you eating, June?!

Is that a craving?No, it's

pickled herring. Try it.(LAUGHS)

Urgh!I always have that

for breakfast.Jesus.

Urgh!I always have that

for breakfast.Jesus.

'Miss Straw mangles the script by

seasoned writers Lanagan and Curry.'

Yeah. 'With garish costumes

a size too small'

TED: '..Miss Straw squanders

her talent like cheap confetti.

TED: '..Miss Straw squanders

her talent like cheap confetti.

She seems determined to force on the

public a vulgar version of herself.

She seems determined to force on the

public a vulgar version of herself.

Once a charming ingenue,

she now totters across our screens

like a tart

at a working-class wedding.'

like a tart

at a working-class wedding.'

DIANE: 'Just Barbara is just

just bearable.'

just bearable.'

(LINE RINGS)

(LINE RINGS)

(LINE BEEPING)

It's Dennis.

DENNIS: (ON PHONE) I saw the show.

(SIGHS)

I thought bits of it

were quite charming.

I thought bits of it

were quite charming.

I feel stupid and ashamed.

Well, at least they

put your show out on air.

I mean, that's ahuge achievement.

Dennis.

That's what people say when

they don't know what else to say.

That's what people say when

they don't know what else to say.

No, no, I mean it.

It is an achievement.

They're not even

gonna put our show out.

You're joking.

You're joking.

According to the head of

the network, we can't write jokes.

Oh, my God.

Here's me whingeing on about my show,

and you haven't even got one.

Here's me whingeing on about my show,

and you haven't even got one.

Of course, it's all my fault.

If I hadn't have rushed off

to the other side,

we'd all still be working together.

If I hadn't have rushed off

to the other side,

we'd all still be working together.

Mm. Well, if I hadn't

screwed things up with Ted Sargent,

you wouldn't have had to.

No. No.

None of this is your fault.

None of this is your fault.

You arefaultless.

(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

I wish I could see you.

('HERE COMES THE NICE'

BY THE SMALL FACES PLAYS) Go away!

What time is it?

What time is it?

Party time.

I'm not going to a party!

Everyone will be laughing

behind my back about Just Barbara.

Everyone will be laughing

behind my back about Just Barbara.

Everyone hates me.

Oh, do you know what, Diane?

I think she's right, actually.Yeah.

Maybe just throw the dress away.

Alright.

She should just disappear, actually.

Alright.

She should just disappear, actually.

Maybe go back to Blackpool.

Yeah.

And beg for her job back

at the rock factory.

I was just trying to make people

laugh. What am I doing wrong?

I was just trying to make people

laugh. What am I doing wrong?

Three major things, OK?

One, you're a girl.

Two, you dared to be successful.

Don't let the b*stards win.

Two, you dared to be successful.

Don't let the b*stards win.

And three,

you are hogging the bedroom,

and so get your glad rags on

and piss off,

because I've got Rog

coming round for a cuddle.Ooh!

because I've got Rog

coming round for a cuddle.Ooh!

Oh, I didn't bring a bottle.Don't

worry, she's got a whole vineyard.

Oh!

(LAUGHS)

Oh!

(LAUGHS)

WOMAN: So, I said,

'Aunt Lilibet, don't be so greedy!'

I mean, how many swans

can one woman eat?

Diane, darling!

Oh, look, I'm double-jointed.

Oh, look, I'm double-jointed.

(LAUGHS)Sophie, this

is Lady Pandora Erskine Aubigny.

Oh, f*ck off, everyone calls me Pea.

Oh, you're delicious!

Oh, you're delicious!

I could bite you! Come on.

♪ THE YARDBIRDS: Glimpses

♪ THE YARDBIRDS: Glimpses

c*ck hell!

Oh, ohI'm not a fan

of the big cigs, Pea.

I'll play it safe with the cake.

What's this party in aid of, then?

Or is it just

a normal weekday night at Pandy's?

Or is it just

a normal weekday night at Pandy's?

This party is

for her boyfriend, Charlie.

He just came back

from Wormwood Scrubs.

Is he a prison warden?

Is he a prison warden?

He was doing time for GBH.

Oh.

(CHUCKLES)

(MAN CACKLES)

Relax, and hang loose, Soph.

Relax, and hang loose, Soph.

No-one is laughing at you

behind your back.

Too busy watching their own.

Is there a buffet?

There is - through there.

There is - through there.

Excuse me, is that the buffet?

(CHATTER, LAUGHTER)

Oh, has that gone off?

Oh, has that gone off?

Hm, it's just cheap. Aristos

always cut corners with caviar.

Spend it on the scag instead.

Caviar?

Wow! Get in.

Wow! Get in.

Wow. (CHUCKLES)

I wouldn't have thought unfertilised

sturgeon roe was your thing.

(RETCHES)

(SNORTS)

(GULPS, SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY)

You can take the girl out

of Blackpool

Oh. Urgh.

Oh. Urgh.

Back home, we'd throw that bit away.

I'm sorry, I would shake your hand,

but it's covered in dead fish egg.

I'm Sophie.

I know.

I'm Sophie.

I know.

I'm a fan.

Well.

You're probably the only one left.

Well

it's not often you get to see

it's not often you get to see

genuine working-class

single girls like us on TV.

You really have blazed a trail.

That's not what the press are saying.

That's not what the press are saying.

They hated my new show.

Most of Fleet Street's

just a bunch of bitter old boys

Most of Fleet Street's

just a bunch of bitter old boys

who know they will never get

the chance to boff a girl like you.

(LAUGHS)

I'm Lynda, by the way.

Oh, crikey, Lynda,

you speak your mind.

Oh, crikey, Lynda,

you speak your mind.

Your mum and dad must be so proud

of what you've achieved.

I read that

you are very close to your dad.

Mm.

Mm.

Family, though

Mmm.

..really, that's all that matters.

You don't know who you can trust.

Exactly.

You know, we should meet up. Chat

some more. Us professional women

(ECHOES)..we should stick together.

Yeah.

Don't let yourself down

about negative press.

Every big star goes through it.

Every big star goes through it.

You'll toughen up, darling.

I'll drink to that.

(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

(GLASSES CLINK AND RING OUT)

Cheers.

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

(LAUGHTER, CHATTER)

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

(LAUGHTER, CHATTER)

(MUSIC FADES)

(MUSIC FADES)

Are you working on a new routine

or just trying to sit down?

Ooh! Everything's gone a bit spinny.

Ooh! Everything's gone a bit spinny.

Yeah, that would be

dear Pandora's famous brownies.

Oh, they're lovely.

I've had about seven.

Have you got any water?Uh

(BOTTLE OPENS)

Sorry, just a bottle of red.

This one's a little bit on the broad

side with a pretty unrefined finish.

This one's a little bit on the broad

side with a pretty unrefined finish.

Ooh, I think a TV critic recently

said that about me.(LAUGHS)

And here I am sounding like

a pretentious wine as*h*le.

And here I am sounding like

a pretentious wine as*h*le.

I'll look for some water for you.

(GRUNTS)Oh.

Mm. Very nice.

Mm. Very nice.

It's an honour to meet you,

Sophie Straw.

How do you know about me?

You're American.

That sounded like an accusation.

That sounded like an accusation.

You're big news!

Pfft!

Who are you with?

Uh My mate Diane.

No, no, no. I mean

I mean, who-who's your agent?

No, no, no. I mean

I mean, who-who's your agent?

Oh! Um Uh No-one.

My last agent had big plans for me,

which mainly turned out to be

big plans for him.

which mainly turned out to be

big plans for him.

I reckon I don't need

another person in my life

telling me what to do

and taking 10%.

I never tell my clients what to do -

I lightly encourage.

I never tell my clients what to do -

I lightly encourage.

And I don't take 10%. I take 15%.

You're a Hollywood agent!

Have you met Lucille Ball?

Have you met Lucille Ball?

Indeed I have.

(GASPS)

Could you introduce me to her?

Uh

I don't represent her, sadly.

But um

Oh.

..at the risk of sounding like

my own agent,

I'm considered to be rather good.

But you're not looking, and

I only represent movie stars, so

But you're not looking, and

I only represent movie stars, so

Oh, what, you don't think

I could be a movie star?

I didn't say that.

(CHUCKLES) (CLOCK CHIMING)

Ah, the witching hour.

(CHUCKLES) (CLOCK CHIMING)

Ah, the witching hour.

My chariot awaits to take me

back to The Clarence.

Can I give you a ride anywhere?

If IIf I wanted to

get a ride in your chariot,

get a ride in your chariot,

it would involve me getting out

of this chair, and quite frankly

I'd rather you

remember me like this.

I don't think I'll forget.

Mm.

(SCREAMS)

(GROANS)

(MUSIC RESUMES)

(GROANS)

(MUSIC RESUMES)

(LAUGHTER)

(ANIMAL BLEATS)

(BLEATS)

Hm?

(APPROACHING FOOTSTEPS)

(GROANS)

Are you alright, darling?

(GROANS)

Are you alright, darling?

Hm? You've gone

a rather groovy shade of green.

I had too many chocolate slices.

Oh, yes, the hashish brownies.

Oh, yes, the hashish brownies.

I bunged all the good sh*t

I had left into the Magimix.

(GROANS)

(CHUCKLES)

You're adorable.

Why don't you stay

and sleep it off, darling?

Why don't you stay

and sleep it off, darling?

In fact, why don't you stay

as long as you like?

Here, I'm off to the Scottish pile.

Use the place as your own.

I've got a m*rder trial at 9:00am.

Use the place as your own.

I've got a m*rder trial at 9:00am.

Mwah.

And don't forget to feed Samantha!

Who's Samantha?

The snake.

Who's Samantha?

The snake.

You'll find her.

There's a snake.

Now, the reason

I've called you back

Now, the reason

I've called you back

..is I've spoken

to my senior divorce experts,

and they have found a loophole.

and they have found a loophole.

Mm. Where's my loophole?

There's always a loophole.

(RUSTLES PAPER) Uh

(RUSTLES PAPER) Uh

Yeah.

Well, you separate.

You and Mrs Mahindra.

You live like a monk and a nun.

You live like a monk and a nun.

You'll obviously be the monk.

Which means absolutely no uh

Please stop doing that.

Yes, that's what my wife says.

Please stop doing that.

Yes, that's what my wife says.

And then after three years,

your divorce will come through,

on the grounds of legal separation.

on the grounds of legal separation.

And you are free to marry again.

Three years?

Three years. Not bad, is it?

Three years?

Three years. Not bad, is it?

I shall get my clerks to uh

draw up the papers.

Er Don't have clerks.

Er Don't have clerks.

I'll write up the papers.

TED: Critically, we took a tumble.

But the ratings

were very respectable.

We didn't take a tumble, I did.

I did suggest

we bring back Clive Richardson.

I don't want Clive.

I don't want Clive.

I want Bill and Tony and Dennis.

You can't have them,

and you're under contract.

Well, you're gonna have

to speak to my agent.

Well, you're gonna have

to speak to my agent.

You don't have an agent.

Eunice?

EUNICE: Yes?

Call The Clarence, please.

(PHONE RINGS)

(GRUNTS SOFTLY)

(RINGING CONTINUES)

Hello. Marc Allen.

Hi, Marc. It's Sophie.

Who?

Hi, Marc. It's Sophie.

Who?

Straw. Sophie Straw?

Oh, yeah. Did you manage

to get out of that chair?

Yeah, I'm here

with the Head of Light Entertainment.

And you're telling me this

because?

I need a bit

of a helping hand here, Marc.

I need a bit

of a helping hand here, Marc.

Oh, you need a professional favour.

That's like umme asking you

to put on a free Broadway show.

That's like umme asking you

to put on a free Broadway show.

Oh, Broadway show!

Yeah, I'd be delighted.

No, I didn't offer that.

And with Sammy Davis Jr.

I've always wanted to work with him.

No, not Sammy -

The Director-General just called.

Sophie, I got to go.

The Director-General just called.

Sophie, I got to go.

We have to announce a replacement

for Sally White immediately.

Hello? Hello?

Dusty.

Hello? Hello?

Dusty.

Disappeared.Sophie?

Oh. She's probably um

(SINGS) ..in the middle of nowhere.

Uh What about Petula Clarke?

Uh What about Petula Clarke?

Petula's in Paris.

Oh, she's been hanging out

(SINGS) ..downtown,

where all the lights are bright.

Lulu.

(SINGS) We-e-e-e-e-e-e-e

Lulu.

(SINGS) We-e-e-e-e-e-e-e

e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e

e-e-ell

e-e-ell

Ted

♪ You know you make me wanna shout

♪ Look, my hand's jumping

Look, my heart's bumping

♪ Throw my head back ♪

♪ Throw my head back ♪

Eunice, could you get me

the Director-General, please?

Sophie? Sophie?

Sophie? Sophie?

Oh.

You've either been hired or fired

but great audition, kid.Ted Sargent

for Sir Nigel Minden-Winkworth.

but great audition, kid.Ted Sargent

for Sir Nigel Minden-Winkworth.

Stop by and see me sometime.

(WHISPERS) Thank you.

Director-General, how are you, sir?

Director-General, how are you, sir?

Fine, thank you.

I just wanted to let you know -

I think I've found the perfect

replacement for Sally White.

I think I've found the perfect

replacement for Sally White.

♪ SANDIE SHAW: Don't Run Away

On one condition. (YELPS)

♪ I am so much in love

♪ I am so much in love

♪ With you

♪ And guard all the love ♪

♪ And guard all the love ♪

(CAR DOOR CLOSES)

Den! I was just coming to find you.

I was just coming to find you.

I've got some news.

I've got news!

I've got some news.

I've got news!

I've just managed to get

you and the boys back on the show.

(CHUCKLES) We can all be together!

Den!

Den!

The divorce

is gonna take three years.

The divorce

is gonna take three years.

What?! Why?

Cos Edith won't agree

and that's the law.

and that's the law.

Well, I'll wait.

We can

We can

We can still see each other.

We can still be together.

Yes, but to everyone else,

I would still be married.

They can mind

their own bloody business!

They can mind

their own bloody business!

If we were to be together

you would lose everything.

Oh, so I don't get a choice.

I don't care about everyone else!

I just want to be with you!

♪ You're my world

♪ You're every breath I take

♪ You're every breath I take

♪ You're my world

♪ You're every move I make

♪ You're every move I make

♪ Other eyes see the stars

Up in the sky

♪ Other eyes see the stars

Up in the sky

♪ But for me

♪ They shine within your eyes

♪ They shine within your eyes

♪ As the trees

Reach for the sun above

♪ As the trees

Reach for the sun above

♪ So my arms reach out to you

♪ For love

♪ For love

♪ With your hand resting in mine

♪ With your hand resting in mine

♪ I feel a power so divine

♪ You're my world

♪ You're my world

♪ You are my night and day

♪ You're my world

♪ You're my world

♪ You're every prayer I pray

♪ If our love ceases to be

♪ If our love ceases to be

♪ Then it's the end of my world

♪ Then it's the end of my world

♪ End of my world

♪ End of my world for

♪ End of my world for

♪ Me ♪

♪ Me ♪

(NOTE CONTINUES)

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

♪ JUDY COLLINS: Both Sides Now

♪ Bows and flows of angel hair

♪ Bows and flows of angel hair

♪ And ice cream castles in the air

♪ And feather canyons everywhere

♪ And feather canyons everywhere

♪ I've looked at clouds that way

♪ But now they only block the sun

♪ They rain and snow on everyone

♪ So many things I would have done

♪ So many things I would have done

♪ But clouds got in my way ♪