01x05 - Camping

[bunniefuu]

Mummy, can you not do that?

Johannes is picking me up. He's

going to pop in and meet the kids.

KNOCK ON DOOR I'll get it.

No, Mummy, wait. Mum, ju

Ugh.

Howzit? You must

be Amanda's sister.

Easy mistake. Mother.

Thanks, Mummy.

Hi!

Um I'm nervous.

This is ridiculous. I don't

know why I'm so nervous.

Don't be.

I've met loads of my

girlfriends' kids.

The trick is not to

make a big thing of it.

Heeey, guys!

Manus, Georgina, erm,

this is We know.

He's our new dad.

What are you talking

about, Manus?

No! No-one is

replacing your dad.

Johannes is absolutely not here

to replace Dad It was a joke.

Yes!

Yes, it was!

That was very, very funny.

That's very, very good.

I love that. I love it. So good.

Do you guys like £20 notes?

Yeah.

Sick. Ooh

FELICITY CLEARS HER THROAT Oh!

It couldn't have

gone better, frankly.

It was very organic. No-one

made a big thing of it.

Just absolute success story.

So when are WE going to

meet this new squeeze?

Oh It must be getting serious

if you're introducing

him to the children.

Well, you know He's a

special part of my life now,

and you kind of know after

three months, right, Fi?

Don't ask me. I've got

terrible boundaries.

I proposed to Della

on our second date.

Oh! Wow! Yeah.

Chris proposed to me on

my 18th birthday. Oh!

And later on that night, we

took each other's virginity.

And then we made love in each one

of my friends' parents' double beds,

just devouring

each other's bodies.

But not like now.

I can't even remember the last time

Chris and I even brushed hands.

What's in the bag, Anne?

Oh, er, Fatima's mum lent me a

tent for camping this weekend. Ah.

Yeah. There's still space

if you want to join.

I mean, everyone else is coming.

No, Anne, Anne, I'm still a maybe.

No, you're not. You're

taking this weekend off.

Noooo, thank you.

The only time I'm setting foot

in a tent is if it's a marquee,

and it's at Ascot,

and there's Pimm's.

What about a first-aid tent?

Of course I'd go in

a first-aid tent.

A gazebo? Would

you go in a gazebo?

Yes, I would go in a gazebo.

What about if you got m*rder*d

and they put a tent over the

crime scene, would you?

Don't you have a whistle

to blow or something?

You got our deposit,

right, Anne?

Yes! Yes.

Me, Ned, Abs, Baby Isla and

..our main man here.

I bet you're a dab hand at

camping, Mal, being a gardener.

Me? No. The only time I've

camped was one Glasto with Abs.

Spent most of it behind a

falafel stand in a K-hole.

Tell me about it. I got stuck

in a cake hole this weekend.

Ate the whole thing.

I am pretty hormonal, though.

I'm not kicking that.

Is that your new

boyfriend, Amanda?

Yeah. Can I meet him?

No. Please?

Just quickly.

Hey! Hi! Hey, you.

Wow. Have you been checking

my browsing history?

Because sexy soccer mum

is one of my go-tos.

You must be Amanda's

piece of hot stuff.

Heh-heh. You can

call me Johannes.

OK, yeah, wow.

It's a pleasure to meet

you, your highness.

Yeah. No, Anne.

No wonder you kept this on the

downlow, dating African royalty.

It's Johannes. Johannes.

Yo-han-ness. Oh, Yo-han-ness!

Yeah, OK.

Apologies, your grace.

My name's Anne, AKA

the BFF from BITD.

Back in the day. Ah.

That's quite an impressive package

you're holding there, Anne.

Oh! It's a tent.

Yeah, there's a big g*ng of us

going camping over the weekend.

Oh, camping. I love camping.

My ouma used to have a

farm back in Magaliesburg.

We would camp

there every summer.

Aww.

I would love a

night under canvas.

What do you say, Amanda?

Oh, well, you're flogging a

dead horse there because, erm,

Amanda hates camping.

Twisting my words

a bit there, Anne.

I just find tents uncomfy because

I have very long legs and back.

Fine, then, I'll get a camper

van for you and the kids.

All the mod cons.

It'll be like a hotel room on

a campsite. You'll love it.

Yay.

Can't wait.

It's going to be so

much fun, your highness.

Thanks, Anne.

All right, right

hand down a bit.

That's good, that's

good, that's good!

This is so unfair.

Why can't I stay

here with Gan-Gan?

Gan-Gan's moving back home.

I'm not. You are, Mummy.

We talked about this.

Well, my new sauna's got a leak

and so they've turned off

the water until Thursday.

You don't need water, Mummy.

You entirely exist on

sherry and talcum powder.

GEORGIE SIGHS So lame.

Georgie, please

don't be difficult.

Why can't we go to

Florida or something?

I really don't

want to see Darius.

Come on. We're going to

have a nice family holiday.

With our new dad Johannes?

I hate you for making me go!

Ugh!

Hey! Where are your bags?

Ah When you're a seasoned

outdoorsman like I am,

you learn to travel

as light as possible.

Isn't he a dish?

How clever that he can fit all

his belongings into his pockets.

This isn't the camper I ordered.

Yes, I swapped it.

This'll look way better

on the socials. Right, OK.

I had an ex who

had one of these.

Carlos.

We used to drive it back

from Spain every summer

with 3lb of hashish

stuffed into the seats.

SHE CHUCKLES

Good times.

Manus, darling, let's go.

Hi. I'm Johannes.

You must be the guy who

lives in the basement. Yeah.

I'm envious already.

The only guy who should be

underneath my girlfriend is me.

THEY LAUGH

Er, you all right? Mal.

OK, fist bumps, yeah.

Er, Amanda said it's OK if

I catch a lift with you guys

down to the

campsite? Sure, sure.

Anything to keep my chick happy.

HORN HONKS Ooh! Sorry

about that, mate.

Here you go.

Lovely, mate. Thank you.

SHE CLEARS HER THROA

I'll drive, baby. OK.

OK. Right, seat belts on.

Right, seat belts on, everybody!

Oh, no.

We're right on top

of the toilets.

How are you? You

found us all right?

Are you serious, Anne?! Huh?

We're basically camping

on a septic tank!

Oh, erm, yeah. Sorry, Amanda.

I would've been here earlier

to get a better spot,

but my roof box

exploded on the M3.

Right, I'm going to need you

to move your tent over there

cos I need this view behind

me for my Insta shots.

Just pop yourself over there.

Yeah, yeah. Erm Yeah, OK.

Er, yeah, Darius, come on. You heard

the woman. Let's move the tent.

Why? You go round

the other side.

Go on.

TOILET FLUSHES

Where's Abs and the babs?

Isla has a temperature, so Abs

thought it best to stay at home,

so it's just the three of us.

Lads on tour! Woo!

Aye! Look at this.

Someone knows what

they're doing.

What do you Brits say?

"Full-kit w*nk*r"?

That's me. All

the gear, no idea.

HE LAUGHS

Hey, Amanda, I

really like this guy.

Oh, yeah. That's, er, er

Come on, Anne. Chop chop.

Johannes.

Oh, JJ. Thanks. Nice

to meet ya. You too.

Now it's just me,

it's a bit overkill.

Nah, it's great.

There's plenty of room in my tent

if you want to bunk up with me.

Nah, we'll be fine

in here, mate.

It's actually more

spacious than it seems.

Yeah.

TOILET FLUSHES

Johannes? Baby?

Where's the loo in this thing?

I don't think the older

models have toilets.

The one I ordered had a

toilet, but you swapped it.

What? But I thought that was

the whole point of a camper van!

I don't do public toilets.

Hi-de-hi, campers!

Sorry we're late.

Hey, that's convenient,

innit? Right next to the bogs.

I'll just go over here, shall

I? Have you not brought a tent?

Oh, I bought it last

night on the internet.

It's in one of these

boxes somewhere.

God, I need a sit-down. It's

bloody miles from the car park.

Where's that chair?

Oh, bingo.

Mands, can I plug into

your camper thingy?

Sorry, Fi, this is

actually for my ring light.

Oh, just bosh it over, will ya?

Morten? Yeah?

Find them pre-mixed c*ck.

It's much better to build

a tent half-cut. Erm

Oh, I've found them. Great!

Do you want one?

Ooh, yes, please.

Thanks, baby. AIR

PUMP WHIRS LOUDLY

Morten, could you try and coax

Georgie out of the van, please?

Yeah. She's trying to

avoid Darius or something.

Hiya!

Is Della coming? Yeah, she's

going to join us later.

Great. One of the freezers

at work packed up,

so she's going to get a

taxi after service tonight.

BANG! sh*t! Argh! Oh, my God!

It's fine, it's fine, it's fine.

I've got Prime. I'll order

another one for tomorrow.

Just got to find my

Not a real bang.

I wasn't scared.

Right, I'm off to find a tap.

Oh, Jesus.

Anyone want a glug

from my bladder?

No, Anne. I'm going to have to

drastically reduce my liquid intake

in light of this

no-toilet situation.

There's a toilet

literally there.

I do not use public

toilets, Anne.

Can you move you and your

bladder out of my shot?

Yep. Move it. All right,

who fancies a kickabout?

Anyone?

Hey, JJ, want to take a

look at my bowie knife?

Ohhh, sick!

Blimey O'Reilly,

that's a big 'un.

I'm pretty sure

they're ill*gal now.

What, this little thing? Nah.

I was gutting gazelles with

this when I was, like, eight.

It's so heavy!

All right, well, I'm going to

go and find some firewood, then.

Ah, firewood time!

Right, let's make this a

little more interesting.

The man who comes back with

the biggest log wins 20 quid.

Ooh!

Bit sexist.

Don't you want to

include the girls?

Oh, sorry.

Would any of the chicks like to

come and collect some firewood?

GIRLS SNIGGER

I rest my case.

Boys, to the woods!

BOYS CLAMOUR

I saw a good copse over

there with a fallen tree.

Isn't he the best?

OK, who's got the biggest log?

Oh, come on, Mal, you

can do better than that.

Look at JJ!

Yeah, I'm just going to collect some

kindling to start the fire with.

Mal knows he's not going to win.

Yeah, size isn't

everything, mate.

Try telling that to

your girlfriend, Twiggy.

LAUGHTER

You all right, JJ?

Y-yeah, sorry, mate.

JJ CLEARS THROA

My craziest time on safari

in South Africa was probably

swimming with a hippo.

They're so deadly, but

I like that about them.

Sexy, isn't he? Hippos have

a real big-d*ck energy.

I am not the person

to ask, Amanda.

I'm thinking of doing a hike

tomorrow. Anyone want to join me?

There's some standing stones

about four miles away.

OTHERS AGREE

Right, let's do it.

I think I'm going to

hit the hay, big man.

Do you mind if I sleep

in JJ's tent, though?

There might be a bit more

room, you know what I mean?

Yeah. No, course. Yeah.

OK, boys, on your feet.

Time for one last

duty of the night.

All the males are to piss around

the perimeter of the campsite.

What?! Johannes! No!

It will stop the foxes from

ripping up the trash bags

cos they hate the

smell of male piss.

And before any feminists

complain, it's biology, I'm sorry.

This is NOT cool, guys!

Yeah, we could just throw our

rubbish in the big bins over there.

That'll stop the foxes too.

A wild piss is one of life's

little pleasures, Twiggy.

Can we stop talking about pee?!

Yeah, and please

don't call me Twiggy.

Ah, it's only a

bit of fun, Twiggy.

LAUGHTER

MAN: Can you keep

it down, please?

Some of us are trying

to sleep! It's 8:15!

Sorry! Yeah, I'm out of here.

See you in the morning.

Hm.

Yeah, yeah.

Look, Diego, just move everything

you can to the other freezer

and I'll call the refrigeration

company in the morning, all right?

Goodnight.

Great, you made it.

SNIFFING

Why does it smell like a

Vauxhall piss club out there?

Delivery from The

Breakfast Club?

Yeah, great. There you go.

Three bacon rolls, yeah?

No! You're not meant to

have fruit in a freezer!

Thanks, mate. Thanks.

Dells! Morten! Bacon

sarnies are here!

God, do you know, I thought

that camping would be tough,

but it's actually

really fun, innit?

Morten! No, you've

got to use the

Right, I'm off for a shower.

Help yourself to my bladder!

SHE HUMS

Sorry, wrong shower!

Holy Mother of God.

OK, boys. 6km hike to

the standing stones.

JJ, you can bring up the rear, the

little kids can go in the middle,

and I'll lead from the front.

Erm, actually, I'll, erm

I'll lead if that's OK.

Ah OK.

Somebody wants to be

the head of the pride.

Can you read a map?

I've got my phone, mate.

It's the 21st century.

That's not really in the

spirit of orienteering, mate.

Who cares as long

as we get there?

Let's roll!

Bye, guys! Have the best time.

Right, follow this path, fellas.

See you later, my lady.

Isn't he great?

AMANDA CHUCKLES

So, our dilemma was, do we try and

cross the piranha-infested river

Oh, that doesn't

sound good. What?!

You're joking! ..or do we

walk back the same track

where we saw the

f*ck' crocodile?

No! Mm-mm.

OK, we can go right

just around here.

Erm, Ned, mate, you

got your phone on you?

No. Johannes said

leave it behind because

"what goes on tour

stays on tour."

Oh, sh*t.

I'll just get your golf clubs.

Right, thanks. Can I get

one small one as well?

Georgie, come here.

Come on. Come over here.

Darling, what is going on? I

just want us to have a nice time

and you're making it

really remarkably un-fun.

I'm literally on

holiday with my ex

and you're rubbing it in my

face with your new boyfriend.

Well, newsflash, Georgie - I'm

not having the best time either!

I haven't urinated for 26 hours

and I have a borderline UTI!

So I would really appreciate it

if you would just stop

moaning for 15 minutes

and try and smash a

ball up a windmill.

Ugh!

Right. Who's next?

Can I have one of those,

please? Yeah. Sure.

Thank you.

Er, sorry, can we just have two of

those, please? Sure. There you go.

Thank you.

That's the stump

we passed before.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Are we lost, Twiggy?

No. It's fine.

I think if we just keep

heading up this track here

OK, everybody, stop.

JJ, hand me the map.

I know where we are.

Well, you obviously don't because

we keep doing loop-the-loops.

Show me where you think

we are on your phone.

Yeah, well, I

I can't, because

the battery's out.

Aaahhhh!

HE LAUGHS

Twiggy! That is too funny.

Oh, my God! You've

got to be kidding me!

Why didn't you say anything, Dad?

It's OK, it's fine, it's fine.

I'll lead. It's this way.

Onwards!

Yeah, you lot carry on ahead.

I'm going to go back

to the campsite.

OK, Twiggy! Don't get lost!

Don't look at him.

Just concentrate.

38. Oh, f*ck!

Yeah, I just sent you a video on

how to reset the thermostat, Diego.

Della! Dels! Are

you playing or what?

I'll call you back,

OK? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Isn't camping lush? Yep.

You know, I was thinking that we

could take the summer holidays off

and do a bit of road trip

round Italy Are you mad?

How do you think I can take

six weeks off the restaurant?

Just do it. You're the boss.

Yeah. Exactly.

I'm the boss. I'm in charge.

Do you know, some of the sh*t

you come out with sometimes

I just thought it'd be fun.

If I'm not at Shin or Double

Shin, it's a shitstorm, Fiona.

Look what a mess it is and

I'm only away for one night.

I don't think you appreciate

how difficult it is to do my

job sometimes. Or any job!

Well, I'm sorry.

I thought it'd be a

nice, fun family holiday.

Maybe you should have stayed

in your bloody kitchen

overcooking your

overpriced burgers. Ochh!

It's not even real golf!

Focus.

158. Anne.

I think you need to step away

from that alligator's hole.

Yeah, I'm just going to

..go back to my tent and

have a lie-down. Yeah.

Still got it.

SHE PUFFS TO HERSELF

SHOWER RUNS

MAN CLEARS HIS THROA

Can I have a word?

You all right? I should never

have come on this stupid trip.

Yeah, I know how you feel.

I'm having a bit of

a shocker myself.

I think my business

is about to close.

Oh, sh*t.

I massively overstretched

myself with Double Shin.

We're haemorrhaging money.

I think we've four,

maybe five weeks left.

I'm sh1tting my pants.

Have you told Fi? No.

I can't tell her.

Do you want to split this

antique ecstasy pill with me?

Where did you get that?

Found it in my tent.

Probably been there since the last

time I went to Glastonbury, so

..God knows if it still works.

CAMERA TIMER BEEPS

CAMERA CLICKS

Oh, my God! Oh, my bladder!

Thank you for the lift.

I'm a pervert.

I've been given a formal

warning for ogling men.

I can't stop myself.

Oh, Anne.

God, I've spent all these years

repressing the fact that I should

have been out there sowing my oats

instead of marrying the first

man who came along and now

it's all just bubbling over

and I can't help myself.

Stop this, Anne.

You're peri-meni.

We all are. Oh, speak

for yourself, Fi.

Is that what this is?

It's your body getting rid

of the last of your eggs.

You're looking for

anybody to impregnate you.

It makes you an

absolute horndog.

Well, that actually

makes a lot of sense.

Thanks, Fi.

That's a relief.

I don't even care about

c*ck. It's got me too.

Wow.

Must be really hard for you

being around Johannes, Anne.

You know, because

..he's so sexy.

Actually, no.

He's the only man who

doesn't arouse me.

Oh, for God's sakes.

Would you stop drinking

in front of me, Anne?

Oh, come on now.

Look, if you won't use the

campsite loos, so be it,

but at least try and have a

wee in that copse over there.

No-one's going to

see you. Just go!

I'm so desperate.

Go on now! Oh, God!

SHE SLURPS

SHE PEES

Do you feel anything? Nope.

AMANDA SCREAMS What was that?

I'll go check.

Ah, cool.

Baby, you OK? Mum?

Snake. Snake!

Snake. It's a snake!

Snake! Wow. Cool!

That's sick.

This isn't a snake.

This is an earthworm

with a leather jacket.

What's all the screaming?

Look, you seen this, boys?

Yeah, I'd put that down if I

was you, mate. That's an adder.

HE CHUCKLES

You want to see a real adder,

you should see the puff

adders back in Kruger

HE SCREAMS Oh,

my God! Johannes!

Little sh*t bit me. Right.

We need to get you

to hospital. What?

Keep your hair on, Twiggy. It's

only a silly little baby snake.

It's poisonous, Johannes. What?

Oh, it's poisonous,

is it? Right, fine.

OK, well, better suck the

poison out, then, hadn't I?

No, Johannes, don't. Johannes,

please, stop. Are you filming this?

Now you're just putting

poison in your mouth.

You should listen

to him, Johannes.

Mal's a gardener. He

knows about snakes.

Shut up, JJ. OK!

See?

It's abtholutely fine.

Oh, my tongue's gone flat.

Oh, for God's sakes,

Johannes! Right, come on.

We're going to hospital. I don't

need to go to the hospital.

You do. Mal, will you

come with us, please?

Er, I don't know if

that's a good idea.

Just to sit in the

back with him, please.

Just go.

Please come with us. I don'

need to go to hobbital.

Fine. OK, it's OK.

IMAGINARY DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

Don't panic, guys, don't

panic! Everything's OK.

Johannes, hang in there.

We're nearly there.

Mal, are you all right?

Mal? Mal! Yeah.

Yeah, I'm fine.

Can you turn that

music up a bit?

What? There isn't any music. Oh.

Cool.

Thought you'd bogged

off back to Shin.

Let's go to Morocco!

Yeah, right.

No, I'm serious.

Let's go at half term.

You, me and Morten.

Let's just go and eat tagine and

go to the souk and ride camels

and it'll be amazing because

it'll only be three of us

and we won't be anywhere

near the restaurant

and I'll turn my phone

off and it'll be amazing.

You've never turned

your phone off.

f*ck my phone, f*ck

work. f*ck everything.

Oh, you were right.

I love you so much,

baby. Are you serious?

Here, take my credit

card. Book it.

Casablanca, here we come!

THEY SQUEAL AND LAUGH

Yeah, so I'm going

to get my phone

because it has all my passwords

and photographs in it, so

Where is it?

You lobbed it in

that bush, mate.

Sick!

Stinks of piss over here.

MAL HUMS TO HIMSELF

I think there's bound to be clean

toilets in the Bupa wing, don't you?

You shouldn't be with Johannes.

What?

He's not good enough

for you, Amanda.

Well, I think you're in

the minority there, Mal,

because everyone

clearly adores Johannes.

God, sorry, your

Your hair is like it's made

of golden beams of light.

Can I bob your hair?

PHONE PINGS

Oh, great.

Johannes says, "You can

pop in and see me now."

Great. I shall pop in.

SHE KNOCKS AT DOOR

Hey!

Hiii!

They need to keep

me in overnight.

They said the venom from

the snake that bit me

was more akin to

that of a king cobra.

Isn't that something? Yeah.

Do you mind if I use your loo

quickly, Johannes? No, of course.

I will be safe to travel back

to London in the morning.

The only thing is, it takes

some time for the poison

to leave your system. SHE PEES

So is it OK if I stay with you?

Amanda? Of course. Amazing!

It'll only be for a couple of weeks,

a month max. Is that OK, baby?

Great!

HORN BEEPS

Keep at it. Ha! The

brave soldier returns!

How are you feeling,

Your Highness? Ohh.

It was actually the worst

they've ever seen, Anne. Wow.

But they said my body

reacted so powerfully to it

because I have such a

strong immune system.

Right.

We could get a guide to take

us up the Atlas mountains.

And I've enquired

about that riad

that Damon Albarn

uses every Christmas.

And then I reckon that we just

spend, like, ages by the pool

just doing nothing. Ned, um,

you don't have to do that, mate.

No, it's all right, Dad. I

actually slept in here last night.

What? Is everything

all right, Dad?

Yeah, no, I'm good. I'm just

a little bit emotional today.

Yeah? I'm good, I'm good.

That really touched me.

Do you want a hug or something?

Yeah.

Good man. Listen.

Johannes is going to come and

stay with us for a couple of weeks

while he recovers from his bite.

But if you feel in any way

uncomfortable about that

No, I think that's

a nice thing to do.

And if he's your

boyfriend, then Yeah.

So you're sure that you

definitely don't mind

and you don't want

me to ask him to go?

Because just say, and I could

easily break up with him.

Nah, he's all right. And he'll

probably give us money, so

Right. Hey, boys!

Come and say goodbye.

Stay strong.

You're a legend.

Good man. Spend it wisely.

I'm proud of all of you boys!

Appreciate it. That's OK.

Georgie! Come on, we're going!

Bye. Bye.

I hate you for making me leave!