Lucy Calls the President (1977)

[bunniefuu]

- [Announcer] A Lucille Ball Special.

Starring Lucille Ball.

Co-starring Vivian Vance,

Gale Gordon,

Mary Wickes.

Guest stars Steve Allen, and Ed McMahon.

(lively music)

(telephone ringing)

(audience applauding)

- Got it.

Hello?

No, no, no, he isn't here.

No.

(telephone clattering)

No.

It was for you.

- Lucy, why did you do that?

I was expecting a call.

- Well, you got it.

- But Martha Rudy's

calling me back to tell me

if she found a fourth for Bridge.

- Oh, well I'm going to


call President Carter.

- President Carter?

Oh, I hardly think he's

a good Bridge player.

- No, Dad, today is one

of his phone-in days,

and I'm going to try to speak to him.

The White House switchboard

opens in two minutes.

- Oh, I better get back to Martha Rudy--

- Now please, don't tie up the phone!

Now wait 'til I'm through.

This call means a lot to me.

- Well, my call means a lot to me, too.

- Listen, Omar, what is more important,

President Carter or


your stale Bridge game?

- Well speaking as one

who has always voted

the straight Republican

ticket, my stale Bridge game.

- Let!

I know all about your politics.

I've seen some of those

little elephants on your undershorts.

- Okay, look, I'll make it fast.

- Oh, no you don't, Omar.


- Oh, yes I do.

- Let go.

- No.

- You are keeping me

from the President of the United States.

- You're keeping me from Martha Rudy.

- She's not even your type!

- If I waited for my type to come along

it might be too late.

- Oh.

(audience laughing)

(audience applauding)

- Hey, hey, hey!

What are you two fussing about now?

- Floyd, your father


is being very stubborn.

- Floyd, your wife is being pig-headed.

- I am not.

I'm just trying to call

President Carter, that's all.

- Oh, are you still on that kick?

You'll never get through to him.

- Well somebody has to get through

and it might as well be me.

And it's time to call.

It's ringing.

Hello?

This is Lucy Whittaker


from Bundy, Indiana.

- You got the President?

- No, but I got the operator.

Hello, President Carter,

this is Lucy Whittaker.

- Now you got the President?

- No, I'm just pretending.

Hi there, Jimmy, how's every little thing?

Guess who this is.

- The President gets his


first obscene phone call.

(audience laughing)

- Hello, Mr. President?

Uh, this is, uh, uh, what's my name?

- Lucy, calm down.

- This is Lucy Calm Down.

- No, no.

Uh, uh, Lucy Whittaker.

I'm calling from Bundy, Indiana.

Oh, I'm fine, how are you?

He can't complain.

Why did I call?

Why did I call?

- Search me.

- Oh, I know.

You see, the Federal

government is planning to build

a low-cost housing project

on the outskirts of our town.

And, what?

(laughing) Oh, I just can't

get over it, Mr. President,

you sound just like yourself.

He has the cutest little southern accent.

Well, if they build

where they plan, you see,

they'll have to tear

down Camp Sunny Slope.

And that's a camp for our

underprivileged children.

Well, I mean, how would you feel

if somebody tore down Amy's tree house?

I struck a nerve.

Oh, I'm all for low-cost

housing, Mr. President.

What?

Oh, well, Bundy is 20 miles

north of Indianapolis.

Oh, well that would be fine.

On Overlook Road.

Yes, well, thank you, Mr. President.

(telephone clattering)

President Carter's coming to

our house at 3:00 tomorrow.

(audience laughing)

(audience applauding)

- I can't believe it.

Lucy, what are you talking about?

- Well he, and Rosalynn,

and Miss Lillian, and Amy

are going to be in Indianapolis tonight

at a fund raising dinner, see?

And then tomorrow they're

going to drive to Chicago,

and they come right by here,

so he's going to stop for half an hour

and sort of chat about

the housing project.

- Lucy, I've gotta congratulate you.

You're so calm.

I'm surprised you're not just frantic.

- Oh, why should I be frantic just because

the President of the United

States is coming to my house!

My house?

He's coming to my house?

- Lucy, Lucy.

- The President's coming to my house!

No, no, no!

(audience applauding)

(lively music)

(gentle music)

(audience applauding)

- Well, I cleaned upstairs,

though I hardly think

President Carter's going up

to look under the bed for dust bunnies.

(audience laughing)

- Well maybe he won't, but Rosalynn might

if she's any kind of

red-blooded American housewife.

- I can't believe it.

(audience applauding)

I just can't believe it!

Is it true?

Is it true, where is Lucy?

Where is Lucy?

I want to find out if it's

all true what I heard.

(screaming)

Oh, oh, oh, Lucy, is it true, is it true?

Is the President really coming here?

- Yes, it's true.

- It's true!

- Oh, Lucille!

I can't believe it!

- You'd think they just won

a Caribbean cruise on a quiz show.

- Oh, Lucille.

- Yeah.

- I'm gonna have to get my hair

fixed, and buy a new dress,

and lose 20 pounds by tomorrow.

(audience laughing)

- Uh, look, Viv, the

President's only gonna be here

for 30 minutes, and I have

to have time to talk to him

about the camp for the kids.

So I've decided to have

just, you know, loved ones.

No outsiders.

- Oh, you're absolutely

right, no outsiders.

- Uh, no, I mean, just the three of us.

- Which one of the four

of us isn't included

in that three of us?

(audience laughing)

- Just don't ask for whom the bell tolls.

(audience laughing)

(audience applauding)

- Lucille Whittaker, do you

mean that you're not asking me,

your best friend, your next

door neighbor for 20 years?

The woman who stuck by you

through thick and thin?

You're not going to invite me

to share the greatest moment of your life?

- You got it.

- But Lucy...

- Oh, are you gonna cry?

- Well, maybe.

- Oh, if you cry, then I cry.

(wailing)

Don't cry.

All right, you can come, you can come.

- Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you.

- Yeah, yeah.

But that's all now, just the four of us.

- Oh, you're right, no, no strangers.

- All right, all right.

(doorbell ringing)

Excuse me.

(door opening)

- Lucille!

- Yes.

(audience applauding)

- Oh, I just had, I just,

I just heard the news.

I'm so excited I'm two

jumps ahead of a fit.

- Come on in, Aunt Millie.

- Hi, Viv, hi, Floyd.

- Hi, Aunt Millie.

- Well, if it isn't Omar,

King of the Gypsies.

- I'd put a curse on you,

but somebody beat me to it.

(audience laughing)

- Listen, Lucille, I've got just the thing

for the front walk when they get here.

(audience laughing)

Don't you just love it?

- Uh, Aunt Millie, I have to

talk to you about something.

Now, I don't mean to hurt your feelings--

- You hate it, huh?

Would you like to see something in a shag?

(audience laughing)

- No, no, no, no, it isn't that.

I really like the rug.

It's just that, well,

how should I put this?

- Lucille, I think you

better let me handle this,

because you're too emotionally involved.

- Yeah.

- Now, Millie.

- Yes?

- Uh, Millie, you know how

fond we all are of you,

and we wouldn't want you

to take this personally or anything,

but Lucille feels that we oughta

keep the crowd down to a minimum tomorrow,

just her husband, and her father-in-law,

and her best friend.

You do understand, don't you, dear?

- Sure, I do, sweetheart.

And I hope you understand

when I get my brother, Wilbur,

to foreclose the mortgage on your house.

- Foreclose?

- Oh, nevermind, Viv, what's one more?

Of course you can be here, Aunt Millie.

- Apparently blood is

thicker than next door water.

(audience laughing)

(doorbell ringing)

- Oh, hi, Midge.

- Hi, Lucille.

Nice to see you.

Mayor Browser.

You all know Mayor Browser and Midge.

- Hi, dear.

We got here as soon as

we heard the news, Lucy.

Isn't it thrilling?

- Thanks to your fortuitous phone call,

this is Bundy's finest hour.

I thought I'd present the

President with a key to the city.

- Oh, oh, well, Mayor, I'm

not sure that we'll have time

for you to present the key to the city.

- Oh, well, I'll just make

a speech of welcome, then.

- Oh, well, I'm not sure

about a speech, either, Mayor.

- What do you expect us to do, Lucy?

Stand outside in the bushes

and press our noses to the windows?

- Oh, would you?

(audience laughing)

- (laughing) She sure has

a wonderful sense of humor.

- Uh, look, Mayor, if you

do make a speech of welcome,

could you make it short?

- Wally make a speech short?

Ha!

- Knock it off, Midge.

- Lucy, have you thought

about what's gonna happen

when he gets here?

- What do you mean?

- Well you can't treat the first family

like ordinary people.

You can't just go to

the door, and open it,

and say, "Come in and take

a load off your feet."

- Well I wasn't planning to say that.

- Wait a minute, she's right, honey.

You know, it's the President.

Everything's gotta be done

according to protocol.

- We've got a red carpet.

What more do we need?

- Oh, there's a lot more to

it than that, Aunt Millie.

We gotta organize this thing.

Okay, they get out of

the limousine, right?

They walk up the red

carpet to the front door.

- Yeah.

- Now, who should greet the

President of the United States?

- Well, the Mayor should greet him first

with a welcoming speech, that's obvious.

- Not to the person who

called him, it isn't.

- Lucy's right.

She's the one that called him,

she's the one that should greet him.

- Thank you, dear.

- Talk about nepotism.

- What's wrong with a little nepotism

as long as you keep it in the family.

- Okay, now let's

rehearse this, all right?

- Okay.

- The first family

comes in the front door,

and then you greet them.

- Yes, um, hello, President Carter.

How do you do, Mrs. Carter?

Hello, Miss Lillian.

Hello, Amy.

- She's not that little.

- Well I'm just pretending, Viv.

- All right, now, the Mayor

makes his welcoming speech.

- Ahem.

You will have a glass of

water for me, won't you?

President Carter, distinguished members

of the Presidential party,

fellow citizens, and--

- That's enough.

- All right, now, Lucy,

you introduce everybody.

- Oh, uh, Mr. President and family,

may I introduce my husband, Floyd,

and um, uh...

everybody else.

- All right, now, you take the President,

lead him into the living room.

- Oh.

Ah!

- Are you gonna hog him

all to yourself like that?

- Well it's hard to do when I don't have

a real person to rehearse with.

- Yeah, we need somebody to take the place

of President Carter.

- Oh, what a lovely thought.

(audience laughing)

(audience applauding)

- No, Dad, I mean someone to act his part.

Hey, why don't you be President Carter.

- Me stand in for a Democrat?

Are you out of your gourd?

- Come on, Omar.

- Oh, well now, I.

Oh, I just hope Ronnie Reagan

doesn't hear about this.

(audience laughing)

- All right, now, you

are President Carter.

Nevermind that.

- All right, now you should decide

where everybody's gonna sit.

- Oh, okay.

Uh, won't you join me on

the divan, Your Highness.

And everybody else, find

a place to sit down.

- I'd like to sit next to the President.

(audience laughing)

- Watch the President.

- I'll sit right there.

(audience laughing)

(audience applauding)

- Okay, you ready?

- Yeah.

(drum beating)

(piano music)

(saxophone screeching)

- Floyd!

Floyd, Floyd!

(saxophone screeching)

Floyd, let me have the car keys.

I have to go down to the hardware store

and get a new main valve

for the sprinkler system.

It's on the fritz again.

- Listen, we're practicing

Hail to the Chief

so we can play it when

President Carter gets here.

How does it sound?

- Like you voted for Ford.

(audience laughing)

- [Lucy] Oh, what do you know?

- Well I do know that President Carter

only likes to have that

played on formal occasions.

(door slamming)

- I didn't know that.

- I thought this was a formal occasion.

Hey, I know what we could do, Floyd.

Oh, I know what we could do

instead of Hail to the Chief.

- What?

- What?

- Uh, uh,

♫ Guys all sigh and want to die

♫ For sweet Georgia Brown

♫ Two left feet, oh so neat

♫ Was sweet Georgia Brown

♫ Fellas she can't get

♫ Fellas she ain't met

♫ Georgia claimed her, Georgia named her

♫ Sweet Georgia Brown

(audience applauding)

- That isn't any good.

It isn't dignified

enough for the President.

Sweet Georgia Brown, are you kidding?

- You're jealous.

(telephone ringing)

- I'm not jealous.

- You're just jealous.

- I'll get it.

- [Lucy] What's there to be jealous about?

(telephone ringing)

- Hello?

Oh, yeah, she's here, just a minute.

Lucy, it's for you.

- Thanks.

Hello?

Yes, this is Lucy Whittaker.

Who?

Oh, yes, I'd be delighted.

Oh, yes, yes, that would be fine.

Well I'll see you then.

That was Steve Allen.

- The Steve Allen?

- Yes, he's coming to Bundy tomorrow

to interview me about

President Carter visiting us.

It's for his new show,

The People Watcher's.

- Oh, I just love Steve Allen.

He reminds me so much of

my husband. (giggling)

- Leonard is like Steve Allen?

- Yeah, they both wear glasses.

As a matter of fact, they could be twins

if Leonard was taller and

thinner and younger and cuter.

(audience laughing)

- Hey, I got an idea.

When you're on Steve's show,

why don't you throw a little

plug-in for my bowling alley?

- Oh, sure, sure, Floyd.

Steve will ask me,

"How long is President

Carter going to be here?"

And I'll say, "Well, half

an hour is all he can spare.

"And speaking of spares,

"why not visit Floyd's Bowling Alley."

- That's great.

- That's tacky.

(audience laughing)

- This looks fine.

Yeah, put that one right there.

(doorbell ringing)

(door opening)

- Oh, hi.

- Good morning.

- Is Mrs. Whittaker ready?

Mr. Allen just got here,

and we'll start taping

in just a few minutes.

- She'll be right there.

- Good.

- Lucy!

They're ready for ya!

- Oh, oh, Floyd, Floyd!

Steve, oh, he just drove up

in a great, big limousine.

He's even cuter than he looks on TV.

You know what?

- What?

I got his autograph.

- You did?

- Yeah, I just stuck my hand in the window

to shake hands with him and he signed it.

(audience laughing)

- Look at that, Steve Allen.

(smooching)

- Aren't you excited having Steve Allen

right out there in your

very own front yard?

- Boy, I hope he doesn't

mash Dad's chrysanthemums.

- Oh, he can mash my Mom's anytime.

- Hey, Lucy!

- Coming.

(audience applauding)

- I don't feel so good.

- She didn't sleep well.

- She does look pale.

- Didn't eat a bite of breakfast.

- She's going back to bed.

- No, darling.

My goodness, honey, if

you're this nervous now,

what'll you be like when

the President gets here?

(moaning)

- Mrs. Whittaker?

- Yeah?

- Mr. Allen will need you in one minute.

(groaning)

- You've just got a few seconds.

Here we go, here we go.

- Come on.

- That a girl, that a girl.

(audience applauding)

- There you go, Lucy.

Remember to put all this--

- Oh!

- Okay, Steve, the camera is ready.

- All righty.

(audience applauding)

Where's Mrs. Whittaker?

- I've been trying to get her out here.

- Lucille, you know you're

acting absolutely ridiculous.

- That's right.

Pull yourself together.

- All righty.

Just pull it out, you're right.

I'll just march right out there and do it.

- There she is.

- Oh, hi, Mrs. Whittaker.

(door slamming)

- What is that?

Come on out, Mrs. Whittaker.

Mrs. Whittaker.

Come on, that's it.

Millions of people are waiting.

(audience laughing)

Now what do we?

Look, if you don't come out,

I may have to cancel the interview.

(door opening)

That's it, come on.

(door closing)

There we are.

- Uh, Mrs. Whittaker, this is Steve Allen.

- How do you do, Lucy?

- How do you do, Mr. Allen?

I'm a little nervous, can I sit down?

- Sure, it's all right.

I'm the host.

- That's Mr.--

- Ah!

- That's Mr. Allen's chair.

- Oh, sorry, where's mine?

- This is for the guest right here.

- Who's the guest?

- You are, just sit down, that's fine.

Now there's no need to be nervous, Lucy,

because I'm just gonna

say a few words, you know,

to sort of explain who you are.

Then I'll introduce you, and we'll chat,

we'll have some fun.

- Fun, yes.

- Yeah.

- What's that?

- It's your microphone, Ma'am.

- Oh.

Hello, hello, hello.

One, two, three, four.

- You don't have to do that.

Let's go, John.

- The People Watcher's,

Lucy Whittaker, take one.

(clapping)

(yelling)

- What's the matter with you?

- Shh, it's okay, Ma'am.

Hi, this is Steve Allen

with another edition

of The People Watcher's.

And if you saw the show last week,

that makes you a People Watcher watcher.

And if your husband was looking at you,

that makes him a People

Watcher watcher watcher.

So watch it.

- (laughing) That's funny.

- Thank you.

- Well, anyway, we're

here in Bundy, Indiana

with Lucy Whittaker, who

was one of the lucky ones

who actually talked to President Carter

on his recent phone-in.

Not only that, but the

President promised to stop by

and chat with her.

Lucy, tell us.

- Huh?

How did it feel when the

President of the United States

told you he was coming

right here to your house?

- Oh, I couldn't believe it.

I still can't.

I couldn't believe it, I still can't.

- Well, how...

(laughing)

How's everybody reacting?

- Where?

I mean, all around the town here.

- Oh, the town is bananas!

- Oh, really?

I thought the town was Bundy.

(laughing)

- Oh, that's funny.

- Yes.

- Well I suppose everybody

wants to meet the President.

- Yeah, everybody, everybody's

been calling, and calling,

and calling all day long.

- Yes, I see you're trying

to keep a stiff upper lip.

- What?

- You're trying to keep a

stiff upper lip, I said.

- Oh, oh, my mouth always just so dry.

It has a lot of cotton in it.

- Sure, I suppose you're right.

Now, tell the folks exactly

what are you gonna discuss

with the President?

- Well, you see, we have this camp

for underprivileged children here in town,

and the government is planning

to put up a low-cost housing project.

And they're just gonna have to tear down

our Camp Sunny Slope.

- Yeah, Lucy, excuse me,

stop with the chains.

You're making too much noise,

they're hitting the microphone.

- Oh, I'm terribly sorry.

Oh, I had no idea.

- Good.

Should I take them right, oh, oh!

- Oh, sorry.

- Oh, oh, that smarts.

- Yes.

- Oh, oh, here.

- Just put them down.

- Keep rolling, John, we'll edit later.

- Yeah, keep rolling, keep, keep.

- Now you were telling us about this camp.

- Oh, Lucy!

- What?

- Oh, I didn't know you had company.

(audience laughing)

- Uh, Floyd, what are you doing here?

Steve, this is my

husband, Floyd Whittaker.

- How do you do?

- How do you do?

- Oh, silly me, I was just on my way

down to Floyd's Bowling Alley.

438 South Walnut Street.

Six lanes, no league play on weekends.

- Floyd, give me that!

For Heaven's sake.

- Well, I just came out to tell you,

the President's office called.

They can't be by here at 3:00,

they're coming by at 6:00.

- Oh.

- And since we always eat at 6:00,

I invited them all to dinner!

- You did what?

(audience laughing)

- Ow, ow, ow, ow!

- I'm sorry!

- You hit my foot!

- I'm sorry.

- Please forgive me.

(sprinklers spraying)

(audience laughing)

- Cut, they're ruining everything!

- Oh, good, the lawn

sprinkler's are working again.

(playful music)

- What's for lunch?

- Lunch?

Floyd, with the President

coming for dinner,

there is no lunch.

- Well, I'm starved.

My stomach is growling.

- Well, tell your stomach to forget it.

- What's for lunch?

- There isn't any lunch.

- But I'm hungry!

- Well, we're not having lunch.

- Another one of Carter's cutbacks.

- Listen, how does this sound?

Barbecue chicken, potato salad,

green salad, deviled eggs,

baked beans, homemade pies and cakes?

- Perfect, when do we eat?

- Not for lunch, for dinner.

And boy have I got a lot to do.

- Boy, that sounds great.

When will you have time to do that?

- Well, of course

everybody's going to help.

Now, look, I figure there

will be 11 for dinner,

is that right?

Well wait, 11?

- How do you figure that?

Well, there's President

Carter and Rosalynn,

and Miss Lillian, and Amy.

Aunt Millie, and Vivian,

Mayor Bowser and Midge,

Omar, myself, that's only

10, who did I leave out?

- Me.

- Oh, I'm sorry, dear, of course.

- Look, Lucy, when you put a

couple of leaves in this table

it seats 12, right?

- Yeah.

- Well, so you won't have

an embarrassing empty space

I'll bring Martha Rudy.

- Well, okay, 12's a good, round number.

- So is Martha.

(audience laughing)

- Hi.

- Oh, hi, Viv.

- Floyd, what are you gonna wear tonight?

- Oh, my blue suit, why?

- With a tie, right?

- Yeah.

- That's what I told Leonard.

He wants to wear a sports shirt.

Can you imagine that?

- Uh, Viv?

- Huh?

- Uh, where's Leonard going

that he wants to wear the sports shirt?

- Here.

My husband is invited, isn't he?

- Of course, I never meet a

President without Leonard.

- Well I should hope not.

- The only thing is, with Leonard,

that makes 13 people at the

table, and that's unlucky.

- Well it won't be because

I invited Leonard's mother.

- You invited Leonard's mother?

- Mm-hmm.

- Look, I might squeeze 13 at the table,

but 14 is impossible.

- Oh, Leonard's mother can

hold Leonard on her lap.

(laughing) She'd love that.

- Oh, Viv.

- Lucille?

- Yes, Aunt Millie?

- I thought you might

need my 32 cup percolator.

- Oh?

Why would you think I'd

need this big thing?

Did you invite more people to dinner?

- Well, kind of.

- How many kind of's?

- Four kind of's.

There's your Uncle Wilbur,

your Aunt Beatrice,

and the Reverend Harris and his wife.

But you really oughta thank me.

- For what?

- I saved you from

having eight more people.

I told the choir, "No way."

- Well, okay, I guess we

could put up a card table.

Let's see, how many are there now?

I've lost count.

There's President Carter,

Rosalynn, Miss Lillian, Amy,

Aunt Millie, Uncle Wilbur, Aunt Beatrice,

Reverend Harris and his

wife, Vivian and Leonard,

and Leonard's mother,

Mayor Bowser and Midge,

Omar, Martha Rudy, and myself, that's 17.

Did I leave anybody out?

- Me.

(audience laughing)

- Oh, I'm sorry, yes, you, darling.

That's 18.

- Hi, everybody!

- Oh, hi.

- I brought the beans, Lucy.

- Oh, wonderful, put them

right over there, Wally.

Gee, don't you look pretty.

- Oh, you look like you

just had your hair done.

- Yeah, I did.

- On Sunday?

- Carol had to open the shop

she had so much business.

The wife of every city

councilmen was there.

The blue rinse flowed like wine.

(audience laughing)

- By any chance were those

wives having their hair done

because their husbands had

been invited to my dinner?

- Well, of course, what else?

- Well, of course, what else?

(audience applauding)

- Now, Lucy, look at it this way.

If those councilmen don't get invited

to meet President Carter,

they won't vote for me

in the next election.

- Wally, you're buying

votes with my dinner?

That's bribery.

- No, that's politics.

(audience laughing)

- Okay, how many does that make?

Floyd, myself, Omar,

Martha Rudy, Vivian, Leonard,

Leonard's mother, Aunt

Millie, Uncle Wilbur,

Aunt Beatrice, Reverend

Harris and his wife,

Miss Lillian, Amy, Rosalynn,

Mayor Bowser and Midge,

four city councilmen,

and their four wives.

That makes, uh--

- 25.

- 25, did I leave anybody out?

- Yes.

- Who?

- President Carter.

- Oh, no.

(audience applauding)

(doorbell ringing)

- Yes?

- Is Lucille Whittaker here?

- No, no, she went down to the market

with her husband, Floyd.

Floyd, that's my son, I'm Omar Whittaker.

Can I help you gentlemen?

- We're Secret Service.

- Oh, I'm clean!

(audience laughing)

Believe me, I, I, well,

you can search me, sir,

if you'd like.

Believe me, would you be very

careful, I'm awfully ticklish.

- Mr. Whittaker.

- What?

- That won't be necessary.

- Oh.

- I'm Agent Thatcher, this is

my partner, Agent Stockley.

- How are you?

- How do you do?

- We're here to check out the

house and the neighborhood

before the President arrives.

- Oh, really, isn't that exciting.

Well, you can count on me in an emergency.

Oh, yes, I took karate for

a whole summer at the Y.

(yelling)

(groaning) Gee, that hurts.

- Well, if we get in a jam, Mr. Whittaker,

we'll be sure to call on you.

- Oh, yeah, kind of hold it back, will ya,

until the bones knit.

- Why don't you check the outside.

I'll get the inside.

- You bet.

- Oop, what are you doing?

- I'm seeing if the phone is bugged.

- Is it?

- No, not this one.

- Good.

- Is there an extension upstairs?

- Oh, yes, yes, we have one.

- I better check it.

- Oh, I'll show you

where it is, sir, yeah.

Follow me, follow me.

I hope nobody was listening in last night

when I was talking to Martha.

(laughing)

That would melt their tapes.

(audience applauding)

- Oh, boy, this is heavy.

- Oh, boy.

- I thought we'd never

get out of that market.

Everybody wanted to talk to you.

- Yeah, well, I guess

that's the price of fame.

Now I know how Farrah Fawcett feels.

Gosh, there's a lot of groceries here.

I think I'm gonna get

Omar to put these away.

I've got an awful lot to do.

I gotta get started on my potato salad.

I'm gonna find him.

Floyd, there's a prowler

in the living room.

- A prowler?

- Shh!

- Are you sure?

- Of course I'm sure.

- Hey, I'll bet he heard

the President's coming

and he's some kind of a crank.

- What are we gonna do?

- Shut up!

- Now you're gonna have

to creep up behind him

and hit him with something.

- Why me?

- Because you're a man.

- What happened to women's lib?

You're a women.

- Okay, now that we've

identified each other,

go in there and hit him.

(audience laughing)

- With what?

- Here.

- No.

- Take it.

- Come on, now get in there and hit him.

Hurry up.

(banging)

(audience laughing)

- Oh, hey, nice going, Floyd, nice going.

And you know something?

You didn't even dent the skillet.

- Oh, I know, but my heart is pounding.

That's my first crank.

- Omar, you missed all the excitement.

We've had a prowler.

- A prowler?

- Yeah.

- And the prowler knocked

out the secret service man?

- Huh?

- Oh, no, that's not a secret

service man, that's a prowler,

and I hit him over the

head with a skillet.

- That is a secret service man.

That's Agent Thatcher.

He's checking out the house

before the President gets here.

- Oh, no.

- Oh, this is serious.

- You are fooling around with the Feds.

- Yeah, Floyd, how could

you do such a dumb thing?

(audience laughing)

- How could I?

It was your idea!

- Yeah, well, it's your fingerprints

that are all over that skillet.

- Well Heavens.

- Where's Stockley?

- Who's that?

- His partner.

- His partner?

- He was around here a little while ago.

You better do something

fast, he's coming in now.

- Oh, everybody lie down on the floor.

- What?

- Trust me.

- Trust her, trust her.

The way her mind works she

could have been the Godmother.

(audience laughing)

- Okay, everybody do push-ups.

- Do what-ups?

- Push-ups.

- One, two,

three, four--

- Thatcher?

- Oh, hello, Agent Stockley.

I'm Mrs. Whittaker, and

that's my husband, Floyd.

- Hello.

- [Lucy] You've already

met my father-in-law.

- Yes, uh, what's going on?

- Well, Agent Thatcher is showing us

how you secret service men

keep in such wonderful shape

by doing push-ups.

Now where were we, six or seven?

- I'm still on two and a half.

- Hey, listen, Thatcher--

- Uh, he's resting, he's already done his.

Six, seven,

eight, nine--

- Thatcher, the mobile unit's

here and they want to--

- Oh, sir, sir, shouldn't

you be outside being alert?

He's covering things here.

- Thatcher, the mobile unit has arrived

and they want to see you!

- Okay.

- Well hurry it up.

(audience laughing)

- Okay, we got away with it.

All right, you can get up, Omar.

- That's what you think.

(audience laughing)

- Poor soul.

- Oh, push-ups, I haven't

done those in 40 years.

I shouldn't have done that.

- Now what are we gonna do?

- This is just a wild idea,

but why don't you tell him

that Floyd thought he was a prowler

and hit him on the head with a skillet?

- You mean tell him the truth?

- I think that's a good idea.

- Oh, those short naps

are great, aren't they?

(audience applauding)

(joyful music)

(door opening)

- How you doing, girl?

- Hi, honey, just great.

Did you finish icing your cake?

- Yeah, but I want you to help me

put the roses around the border.

- Okay.

- Oh, you made your potato salad.

- Yeah, you know, I never

made this much before.

Listen, taste it, see if

it's all right, will ya?

(audience laughing)

- Yeah, it's pretty good.

- Yeah, it's pretty

good, what's left of it.

- Oh, you've got enough there.

Come see my cake.

I'm so proud of it, Lucy.

- Oh, Viv!

It's a work of art.

Oh, it was so clever of you to make

President Carter's teeth out of peanuts.

(audience laughing)

Oh, it's beautiful.

- Oh, Mrs. Whittaker?

- Yes?

- I have 42 people on this guest list.

Is that complete?

- Oh, I think so.

- Oh, good.

- Well, from now on, no

one else can be invited.

There isn't time to clear them.

- Oh, bless you.

- Lucille?

- Yes, Aunt Millie?

- Where shall I put my deviled eggs?

- Oh, put them over there.

Get rid of that box, Viv.

- Yeah.

Oh, they look beautiful, Aunt Millie.

- Drop it, Viv.

(audience laughing)

- Pardon me, are you on my list?

- Well, I certainly hope so.

- Your name?

- Miss Mildred Baker.

Phone number 555-4321.

- Thank you.

- Aren't you gonna frisk me?

(audience laughing)

- No, that won't be necessary.

- Oh, rats.

Well, I better go home

and get into my glad rags.

- Yeah. (laughing)

Aunt Millie never gives up.

Put that back, Viv.

- Now?

What Aunt Millie doesn't

know won't hurt her.

- There won't be enough.

- Too late.

- Honestly, Vivian, for Heaven's sake,

what's wrong with you?

- Well, I didn't have time for lunch.

- Well, you know, you

could stand to skip a meal.

- Now, listen, just because

you're tense about tonight

you don't have to get nasty.

- I am not being nasty.

- Well you could have fooled me.

Come on, help me put the roses on.

This is your pastry g*n, this is mine.

You put the roses that

side, and I'll do this side.

- Okay.

Oh, hey, they're purty.

Oh, it's fun, too.

Hey, look at that one.

(vocalizing)

- Lucille, wait a minute, you're

making your roses too big.

- I am not, yours are too small.

- They gotta all be the same size.

- Mine are all the same size.

- I don't want to serve a

sloppy cake to the first family.

Now I take pride in my baking.

- Are you implying that I don't?

- Well, all I know is,

when you took brownies

to last winter's cake sale,

some kid bought them for hockey pucks.

(audience laughing)

- Well, at least I didn't bake a cake

that makes our President

look like a jack-o-lantern.

(audience laughing)

- No, but your potato salad

tastes like yellow play-dough.

- Well, well, well.

I noticed that you managed to

choke down three huge bites.

But then, you'd eat anything.

(audience laughing)

- You wouldn't dare.

- Maybe not, but I'd sure like to.

(audience laughing)

- Two can play that game.

- Well?

- Smile when you say that.

(audience laughing)

- Well?

- [Viv] You're gonna have to sh**t first.

- [Lucy] No, you're gonna

have to sh**t first.

- This kitchen isn't big

enough for both of us.

- Well, you're certainly

big enough for both of us.

(audience laughing)

- That does it!

(icing squirting)

- Freeze!

(icing squirting)

("Hail to the Chief")

- Floyd, I can't find the flag anywhere.

I haven't seen it since

the Fourth of July.

What are you doing sitting there?

- I'm waiting for the dinner to start.

- But the President won't

be here for 45 minutes.

Anyway, I put your place

card right over there.

- I know.

But I wanted to sit next to

the President so I moved it.

- Well, that was sneaky.

- I don't care.

- The only chance I'll

have in my whole life

to sit next to a President.

- Okay, Floyd, okay,

but will you please help me find the flag?

- I'm not gonna take any

chances on losing my place.

Our friends are just as sneaky as I am.

- You gotta help me find the flag, Floyd!

- Oh, Lucy, calm down.

I'm as excited as you are

about the first family coming,

but you don't see me acting so nervous.

- Floyd, will you please

help me find the flag!

I can't find it.

Last time I saw it...

Oh, Oh, Floyd, oh!

I am so glad you are not a bit nervous.

(laughing)

(doorbell ringing)

I don't believe it.

Oh, boy.

Oh, hi, everybody.

- Hi!

Come on in.

- Oh, my.

It's nice to see you.

Make yourself at home, great to see you.

Make yourself at home,

make yourself at home.

Good evening, come in.

Nice to see you.

- Lucy, this looks absolutely gorgeous.

- Thank you, thank you.

- That, I love that.

- Well, I took a little--

- Hi.

- Oh, hi, Viv.

Where's Leonard?

- He went to pick up his mother.

- Oh.

- Oh, I love that outfit.

- Oh, thank you, I like yours, too.

You're not still mad at me, are you?

- You mean the shootout?

- Yeah.

(laughing)

- You really did me a big

favor with that icing.

- What do you mean?

- That's the first time in years

Leonard's kissed me on the ear.

(laughing)

- Hello!

(audience laughing)

- Omar?

(audience applauding)

- Captain Omar Whittaker with

the 831st Fighter Squadron

reporting for duty.

- Hi, Lucille.

- Hi, Aunt Millie.

- Hi, everybody, come on in.

Make yourself at home.

- Reverend Harris and his wife.

- Hello, Revered Harris,

I'm so happy to see you.

Please sit down.

- Lucille?

- Yes, dear?

- I made some peanut brittle.

I read where that's President

Carter's favorite candy.

- Oh, wow, well, I'll

put it in a nice dish.

I hope he's not on a diet.

- Oh, my, I never could

resist a man in uniform.

But in your case I'll make an exception.

(audience laughing)

- I can't find that flag...

Oh, hey, Dad, you look great!

But it's been over 30 years

since you've been in that thing.

How'd you get into the pants?

- Oh, confidentially, I greased my hips.

- Oh, Lucille broke two front

teeth on the peanut brittle.

(everyone gasping)

- Oh, is it bad, honey?

Let me see.

(audience laughing)

Oh!

- Oh, Floyd, do you

suppose anyone will notice?

- Yes.

- Oh, oh, this is a fine mess.

I won't be able to smile at all.

- Lucille?

- Yeah?

- Try to avoid words with s's in them.

- Oh, sure, sure, that's

easy for you to say.

(audience laughing)

Floyd, did you find the flag?

- I can't find it anyplace.

- Oh, well, we have the President here,

we've gotta have the stars

and stripes for Heaven's sake.

Did you look in the attic?

- Yes.

Oh, honestly, if you want anything done

you might as well do it yourself.

My grandmother used to say

that, and by God, she was right.

- Oh, poor Lucy, I feel so sorry for her.

I just love her.

Look where she put my cake.

My cake deserves a place of honor

right here in the middle of the table.

- Absolutely, Viv.

- Vivian?

- Huh?

- Did you eat one of my deviled eggs?

- What makes you think that?

- Well, I made 50 of

them, one for each state,

in honor of the President,

and one of them's missing.

You ate Kansas!

(audience laughing)

- Well, what do you know?

I swallowed my home state.

- Oh, really.

- Come, let's rearrange these things.

Wally, come and get the potato salad.

(groaning)

- Where do you want this?

This thing is heavy.

- [Midge] Anyplace, anyplace.

- Omar, hold this.

(groaning)

- Millie!

Oh, Millie.

Omar, hold this.

My cake deserves a place of honor

right here in the middle of the table.

- [Aunt Millie] No, my eggs do.

They're more patriotic.

- [Midge] No, Vivian's cake has a picture

of the President on it.

I think that's a terrible thing to do--

- [Aunt Millie] I'm sorry, I made--

- [Midge] Millie.

- I found the stars and stripes.

I found the stars and

stripes in the attic,

and I knew that I was going to.

(audience laughing)

I stepped in the potato salad!

- That flag mustn't touch

the ground, or mayonnaise.

- What's the potato salad doing here?

(audience laughing)

My shoes are in there.

Somebody get my shoes out of there

before they get soggy.

- Mrs. Whittaker?

- Yes?

- We just had a message

from the President.

- What is it?

- The President said

something urgent came up

and he's terribly sorry, he

has to fly back to Washington,

and he won't be coming to dinner.

- Oh, isn't that a shame.

- Oh, what a shame.

(audience laughing)

- Get up from there!

Stand up!

- Oh, oh, oh!

Oh, well at least now all the roses

are the same size.

(audience laughing)

- Oh, you've ruined it.

- Oh, look at me, what a mess.

(telephone ringing)

Oh, for Heaven's sake.

- Hello?

- [Lucy] That's a terrible thing.

- Yes, she's here, just a minute.

Lucy?

- What?

It's for you.

- It's for me?

Yeah.

- I'm a terrible mess.

Hello?

- Hello, is this Lucy Whittaker?

- [Lucy] Yes.

- This is Miss Lillian, Lucy.

- Miss Lillian?

It's Miss Lillian!

Yes, Miss Lillian?

- I'm awful sorry that Jimmy

had to go back to Washington.

But if you'd like, I can

still come for supper.

- Oh, well that would be just sensational.

Then I can tell you about Sunny Slope,

and you can tell the President.

- I'd be so happy to do that, Miss Lucy.

I'll see you soon, goodbye.

- Bye!

- And they say we talk funny.

- Miss Lillian's coming to supper.

- Oh, that's great!

- Miss Lillian's coming to supper!

- Oh, that's great!

- Quick, Viv, get some more icing.

You know, we gotta put

Jimmy back together again

before his Mama sees him.

(audience laughing)

(audience applauding)

(lively music)