18x02 - A Clean Sweep

[bunniefuu]

Put your cap over it.

Don't hurt it.
Just cover it with your cap.

You've got it!

Oh, good. A creepy-crawly!

I didn't want it.

I thought you were interested in it.

You said to look at it. I'd no idea
you wanted me to live with it.

Well, you live with Pearl.

All I wanted was to take
a closer look.

Under my cap?!

It's not a sabre-toothed tiger.
It won't hurt it.

It might be poisonous.

It's only a spider.

There you go. They're poisonous.

In the jungle they may be poisonous,
but Yorkshire spiders aren't.

They're just argumentative
at cricket matches.

Relax, Howard. It's not going
to grab you by the leg
and wrestle you to the floor!

It's gone!

Oh, that's nice.
Now it's hiding in my cap!

We might have missed it
when we dropped the cap.

I'm not wearing it.
There might be a spider in it.

I'll get you a big whip and a chair.

What's wrong? What are they doing?

Didn't you see that? See what?

A glint of sunlight on metal.

There it is again.

What is it? I didn't see anything.

Well, you wouldn't.
You need trained vision.

It's probably all right.

Yes, you can come out now.
I'm sure it's all right.

If you're certain.

Yeah, I'm pretty certain.

I mean, what would a sn*per
be doing out here?

You're not a target, are you?

Have you any connection with MI5?

I live in Arnold Street.

Don't worry. I'll not tell anyone
I've cracked your cover.

Cover? I'm sorry if I startled you.
It's just pure reflex.

In the jungle if you saw sunlight
on metal, you moved very fast or
you died. That scared me to death!

I thought I'd got over it,
but it just goes to show
the old reflexes are still sharp.

Look, sit down.

I don't normally talk about
my w*r experiences, but seeing what
we've just been through together,

I'll make an exception in your case.

Sit down. I think
you'll find this interesting.
I really ought to be going.

Now the natives used to call me
"He who breaks no twigs".

Howard thinks it's strange
to be interested in creepy-crawlies.

But look at you.
You're interested in Nora Batty!

Tha's never seen her by moonlight.

And I'd like to keep it that way.

Have you seen her by moonlight?

Sometimes when I come home singing,
she comes out and clouts me
with a broom.

You like that?
You think that's really romantic?

Cleggy, these little things
all add up.

To something very close to barmy!

"I don't like talking about it,"
he says. Then he never shuts up!

Foggy?

What are you doing?
Don't do that in the street!

Cleggy caught a spider in me cap.

You sure it wasn't woodworm?

Put your cap on and come on.

It was only tiny.
Look who's talking!

It might still be in there.

Your cap won't worry
about having a spider in it.

Look what's normally inside it.

There's something about wedding
days that make people look lovely.

That's only the groom!

Did you see his hair?
I saw the glint on his earring!

If the bride wasn't in white,
you'd not know which was which.
They're a lovely couple.

Just like two-thirds
of the Andrews Sisters.

Why is he wearing a chimney?

Don't get involved.
Mother!

I believe there's a man coming
wearing a chimney.

I just thought I'd mention it.

Can somebody give me a leg up?

It's not often you get asked that
by a chimney.

What does he want to be
up there for? If he's a chimney,
I suppose he shouldn't be down here.

Put your cap on
before somebody calls Rentokil!

What are you gonna do
now you're up there?

It's very rude to pry
into people's affairs.

What are you gonna do?
Not that we want to pry.

It's all right. I have a perfectly
good explanation. I'm going to jump.

He's very depressed for a chimney.
Maybe he hasn't got the hang
of being a chimney.

All my life I've been in chimneys -
big chimneys, little chimneys.

Since he was a little fella,
he's always wanted to be a chimney.

I know what you're doing.
You're taking the mickey.

As if we would.
From a chimney? Never!

We like chimneys.

When you say you're going to jump,
do you mean you're going
to end it all?

The water flowing under here

is only six inches deep.
I know, I know.

Let's say the act
is mainly symbolic. It's a gesture.

Oh, like this?

Quite a lot like that!
Who is this gesture against?

Well, the world in general.

That's a fairly big target.
You ought to be able to hit that.

What's the world done to you?

What's the world done to me?

It went smokeless, didn't it?

It's becoming a terrible world
for cadging f*gs.

A bloke earns his living sweeping
chimneys, the next thing you know,
the world's gone smokeless.

Now do you understand?
It leaves a bloke
very little choice but to jump.

That's true. Point taken.
No use trying to argue with that.

Well, you could've argued a bit.

There are people who'd have tried
to talk me out of it.

Could you give me a hand
to get down from this parapet?

Please!

We'd better buy him a drink.

Tha's gonna buy him a drink.

That's gonna be two of thee
that's depressed.

When I say buy him a drink,
we'll take him to the cafe
and buy him a cup of tea.

I should've known.

Can we get a move on? I'm not used
to walking in public with a chimney.

I bet he bought that jacket
from Auntie Wainwright!

Four teas, please, Ivy.

No chimneys!

What shall we do with his chimney?
The temptations one gets
in the catering industry!

Tell him to leave it outside.

Leave it out there!

Now sit down and behave yourselves!

Do you come here often?
Every day.

If she's like that to regulars,
what's she like to strangers?

She doesn't take any prisoners.

If you sit down and be quiet,
you'll be OK.

Although there's no guarantee.

Didn't I see you at the wedding?

I'm sorry. I'll never do it again.

I did. I saw you.
You're the only one that did.
The bride never noticed.

Sure it wasn't the groom?

I used to make a tidy living from
brides. It was lucky to see a sweep.

I used to get many a kiss
and a tip.

That sounds a bit of all right.

If you're sure which is the bride!

I fancy a bash at that.
Marriages break up fast enough
without you poking your nose in.

Well, at least you're already
dressed as a sweep.
I'm almost there.

Forget it. They don't even know
about it these days.

Maybe they don't know you're a
sweep. You don't look like a sweep.
What else would I be in a chimney?

Barmy?

That'll be 74p, please, sir.

"Sir"? Why are you calling me
"sir"? What's wrong?

I saw you with your other woman.
What woman?

Down the aisle there.
You were huddled together
near crisps and biscuits.

I don't know anyone there.

I saw you take your cap off
to her.

Oh, that!

You never take your cap off for me.

I didn't to her.
I thought I felt my cap move.

You see? He admits it.
She has such an effect on him,
he feels his cap move.

Pay for your purchase, sir,
or I will call the manager.

Brides used to love
to see a chimney sweep.

Ivy, did you have a sweep
at your wedding?
Oh, yes. You did in them days.

A Mr Harrison.
Me mother ordered him specially.

What did you do when he got there?

Sid gave him some money and
I gave him a kiss through his soot.

His soot? What, he was sooty?
Of course. He was a chimney sweep.

That's where you're going wrong.
You don't look like a chimney sweep.

How can I look like one?
It's a smokeless zone.

The way people live together,
it's a brideless zone!

Where do you go to get sooty
these days? He manages.

BLOWS RASPBERRY

What did you do with your brushes?
I sold them.

Who did you sell them to?
Auntie Wainwright.

I know it's a smokeless zone,
but there's no reason why you
should lose your wedding business.

You're not organised.
You've just been wallowing.
What you need is management.

What you need is the first bus home.

You need to put yourself
in my hands. Or in a taxi.

It's no good prancing about
in a plastic chimney. You've got
to look more like a sweep.

We must get your brushes back. But
I sold them to Auntie Wainwright.

You'll have to buy them back. Maybe
I ought to get the first bus home!

Your style of management
is costing me money already.

How dear can they be?
How much demand is there for a set
of sweep's brushes nowadays?

I'll bet she'll think of one, eh?

Look, we'll wait here for you.

You'll come with us.
He's the only one that's buying.

Who's a lucky sweep, then?

You again?
I'll come till you speak to me.

You can't keep coming through
with one package of power adhesive!

It's the only thing
that doesn't look suspicious.

Who'd suspect anybody
with power adhesive? They're bound
to think you're a serious person.

I used to think
you were a serious person.

I am. I didn't take my cap off
to that woman.

It's just I think I've got a spider
in my cap.

That is the worst excuse I've ever
heard. You have been toying
with a young lady's affections.

You call this "toying"?
I'm on my eleventh pack
of high-impact power adhesive!

Oh, Howard!

Oh, Marina!

Oh, heck!

Seeing that there's no demand these
days for a set of sweep's brushes...

No demand?
What demand can there be?

Any idea what a collector's item
a set of sweep's brushes is now?

A collector's item? We're talking
antique and scarcity value here.

I knew it. Don't give up
that easily. I should try.

Why is Norman Clegg waiting
way over there?

Because he daren't come any nearer.

Ye Gods, has he got
no sense of fair play?

If everybody keeps their distance
like him, I'll have
to start selling by mail order.

Bring your chimney inside,
see if we can work something out.

What did she mean,
"Take this to Norman Clegg"?

When we were leaving the shop,
she said, "Take this to Norman
Clegg. It's from Auntie Wainwright."

Take it back.

Don't knock it. It's a present.

Present? There'll be a bill in the
post. She said nothing about paying.

Not to you. But I bet she does
to me. What do I want with
a chiming clock that doesn't chime?

I never paid as much for
these brushes when they were new.

You know who I am -
the man with the golden brush!

We're in luck.
There's a wedding this afternoon.

Oh, goody! I'll bring my clock.

We've got to make you look
more like a sweep,
like you've just swept a chimney.

The best way to do that is to make
sure you've just swept a chimney.

But where are you going to find
a chimney? Nobody's got any left.

Just leave it with me.
You've got a manager now.
You're in different hands.

It doesn't even chime.
Shake it a bit.

You've got a bargain there!

I thought it were a present.

From Auntie Wainwright?
You must be joking. I told you!

There we are, you see.

One chimney,
just like chimneys used to be.

Did you all have a sweep
at your wedding?

I had one that looked like a sweep.
Your father.

Oh, Mother! I'm sure my father
got dressed up for that occasion.

It was the last time he ever did.

Everything was on rationing when
I got married, and Wally was small.

I don't know about a chimney sweep.
A dustpan and brush
would've been adequate.

It's nice to keep old customs.

One old custom
you hope young people would keep up
is getting married.

Just living together has something
to be said for it.

Not in this house!

If you don't care
for what's in the parcel,
you shouldn't be untying the string.

Oh, Mother!

Took me ages to get your father
dressed for his wedding. I'd never
have done it for living together.

You can't have people
just living together.
It destroys all sense of discipline.

How could you train a man if
you didn't think he was permanent?

When we got married,
we still weren't living together.
We were living with his mother.

She used to clean his shoes for him.

She used to stand there
cleaning his shoes, looking at me.

Like she were marking her territory.

They take some separating
from their mothers.

They always think nobody can cook
or iron shirts like their mothers.

The way his mother used to cook,
you couldn't tell from the smell
if it was cooking or ironing.

I said to Sid,
"Why doesn't she use some herbs?"

We never spoke for a week.

I like plain food myself.

And it shows.

Has anybody got a cure
for somebody who thinks
he's got a spider in his cap?

The secret's in the wrist.

A good sweep can feel his way
round any obstruction. You have to
have eyes at the end of your brush.

Never mind the lecture. Just get
the chimney swept. Let's have you
looking like a sweep. I'm sweeping!

It's never gonna become
a spectator sport,
watching somebody sweep a chimney.

He's in trouble. I'm not.
It's just a question of feeling
your way round the obstructions.

If you can't get your brush up,
why not pull it down again?

I was just about to do that.

He is! He's in trouble!

No, he's not. He's simply feeling
his way around an obstruction.

Stand back. Let me have a go.
It's all right, I can manage.

It looks like it. Come on.

Can I have my brush back now?

It's stuck.

Oh, brilliant[!]

He puts his finger right on it!

Well, somebody is going to have
to go up on the roof.

Why doesn't he leave his brush
where it is? I've just paid
a fortune for those brushes!

Don't just loll about.
Work your way towards the chimney.

By, this is no way to travel
any distance!

It's getting more interesting
all the time.

Now what?

You have to look down the chimney
while he goes inside
and waggles his brush. Go on.

You're getting all the fun,
aren't you?

It's dark down there.

Of course it's dark down there.
It's a chimney. They don't come
with fancy lighting!

How am I supposed to see the brush?

Wait till he starts to wiggle it.

How am I going to know
when he's wiggling it?

I think he's wiggling it.

Now you've got your stick,
start jabbing it.

It's not long enough.
I need something longer.

If you can't find what you want,
you have to make what you want.

I'm impressed, I'm impressed.

When you're in the jungle
for weeks on end, you have
to learn to whip up a bivvy.

Of course I had a bigger knife then.

With blood on it.

Naturally.

Is this long enough?

It's too long.

Oh, rubbish, too long!
Here, catch hold of it!

Here you are.

I'm not letting go of this chimney.

When I give the signal, launch it
towards him and he'll catch it.
He won't let go of the chimney.

He'll let go of the chimney.
Are you ready?

I'm not letting go...
of this chimney!

Just catch it with one hand.

Right, on my signal.

Right. One, two, three, throw!

LOUD CLATTER

Whoops!

Tell him not to bother.
I've got it out.

There's no need
to take that attitude.

You just knocked me off a roof!

We picked you up, didn't we?
We'd have brushed you down,
but you were too filthy.

Nothing personal,
but I thought it suited you.

Anybody who says that sweeps
are lucky wants a very stiff brush
placed right up their chimney!

HORN TOOTS

It's my lucky day!

Thank you.

Thank YOU.

It's not turning out too bad
for me either.

CLOCK CHIMES

I tell thee, Norm.
I think this is the career
I've been secretly looking for.

When did YOU look for a career?
I didn't know what I was missing.

You'll have to go into training
for all that kissing,
develop really powerful lips.

I'll do it, Norm. I'll do it!

Subtitles by Calum Short, IMS,
for BBC Subtitling - 1996