18x04 - A Double for Howard

[bunniefuu]

It's no good. He's not up yet.

- When will he be up?
- Probably later in the week.

Take no notice. She spreads wicked
rumours saying that we're going
to spend a weekend away together.

When? This weekend if you like.
Pack your bikini!

Oh, get some clothes on!
Why do you always look like
what's left over after a fire?

She gets very emotional
when she sees me in me vest.
She isn't able to handle it.

I keep making suggestions,
but she pretends to be deaf.
Come in, Howard. The door's open.

DOOR RATTLES
It's open, Howard.
Just put a shoulder to it!

LOUD THUMPS

It is open, isn't it?
I've got to admit, it's really open.
It does that, Howard.

Forget it. Does tha fancy
a cup of tea? Thanks.

Why don't we have one at the cafe
while we have a talk?

Who's buying? I am.
Does this offer include a sticky
bun? You drive a hard bargain.

A man's got to have an incentive.

All right, a bun. Done!

That's near enough.

Isn't it about time you got it
fixed? It's first on my list.

How long's it been like that?

Let's see...

What's today? Thursday.

Thursday... About seven years.

Why don't you get that door fixed?

Because I like thee to know
it's always open,

so any time you get this urge
to dash round and see me,
you know I'm available.

Who wants to dash round
and see you?

She says things like that,
but underneath her heart's pounding.

Some days
she can hardly control herself.

See what I mean?

Husbands, they slip
through your fingers.

I'm out the back, I come back, he's
gone. You never know where they are.

I always know where my Barry is.

He'll be in the office right now.

The quiet power
behind the mortgage statistics.

I'm warning you.
They slip through the tiniest gap.

I wonder if he's at Norman Clegg's.

Whatever it is, I'm not guilty.
Is Howard there? I haven't seen him.

You take your eyes off them
for a minute! I was out the back
talking to Mrs Rafferty.

That's a bad move.
You need a tow truck sometimes
to get away from Mrs Rafferty.

Are you sure he's not in there?
Yes. You can search if you like!

No need. You're as dozy as the rest
of them, but at least you're honest.

A reference!

A reference from Pearl!

You know what Pearl's like.

I haven't had your advantages.
I don't know what Pearl's like.

Well, let's put it this way.
She's something like you
and I'm something like that bun.

It's not a bad bun, Howard.

As little buns go.

I think he wants another bun.

I wish you wouldn't feed him
in here. It tends to upset
the other customers.

What other customers?
See what I mean?

Give me a sporting chance. Keep
your crumbs within the area of play.

Haven't you got a napkin?
You'd probably eat that as well!

I enjoy my food.

I know. Nobody enjoys it louder.

Cheeky!

All right, Howard.
What's on your mind?

I need somebody about my size.
What's tha looking at me for?
I'm bigger than thee.

No, you're not. Howard, let's
face it. Anybody that's smaller
than thee has to be kneeling down!

Stand up.

Now who are you supposed to be?
Siamese twins?

Don't come in here
standing back to back!

Fat chance of getting in the Good
Food Guide around here! Three stars
for "barmy", no problem!

Why does Howard need someone
his size?

I don't know. Well, you were there.

We got thrown out
before he could tell us.

She does a good throwing out,
does Ivy.

Didn't you ask him when you got
outside? He was away, man!

You know Howard.
He sees an angry female, he's gone!

Well, I think someone ought
to find out.

Why don't we leave
well enough alone?

Because I believe it's not in
man's nature not to like a mystery.

And I believe it's not
in man's nature to poke his nose
into other people's business.

Well, there is that too.

We'll knock on the door and ask
for Howard, take him for a stroll
and find out what it's all about.

What if he won't tell us? Seize him
by the throat until he does tell us.

Oh, the psychological approach[!]
Exactly.

It's such a good bargain.
There's Verny Sedgewick.

For the year. £25.

On your way!

I said, "On your way!"

Come on, you!

You remember Verny Sedgewick.
I don't remember Verny Sedgewick.

When did you know anybody
who wears a suit?
He didn't use to wear a suit.

Hey-up! Didn't tha use
to be Verny Sedgewick?

Not Verny. Vernon.

Vernon Sedgewick, sales executive.

Macho Magazine!
It'll be a change
from Homemaker's Weekly!

You're a bit past Macho Magazine.

I don't see why. I thought
I might start pumping iron.

Iron?! Hadn't you better start
with feathers?

Who's paying?

Old expense account here.
You must be joking.

Never about money.

And no standing back to back!

They're all like that round here.
Imagine trying to sell things
to people like that!

How long have you been dressed
like that? Since I answered
the sales executive advert.

Bit flash. I was ready for "flash".

Car supplied?

Car? Car?
They don't even give you a bike.

Suit supplied? By me. Nice treads.
His mother wouldn't know him.

He's done well, has our Vernon.

What are you selling? Subscriptions
to magazines. They're such a bunch
of non-readers round here!

How many has tha sold?

Including this morning, none.

That's pitiful.

What kind of magazines
are you selling?

New ones. I get subscriptions
before they come out.

What are they called?
For the men, there's Macho Magazine.

You tried to sell Howard
Macho Magazine?!

I've got offers for ladies too.

Me too!

What titles are you offering
to the housewife? There are two.
One's called Foxy Chicks.

Foxy Chicks...? Is there
much demand for a country magazine?

If there is, I haven't found it yet.
And the other one's called
Street Queen.

I don't think you're going to do
especially well round here
with Street Queen.

I don't know. I know just the place
where you might do very well
with something called Street Queen.

Is this it, yeah?
Up the steps, ring the bell.

Big reader, is she?
About as big as they come.

She reads me pretty well.

Is she a biker? Raced on one.

The full leathers and chains?

And that's only her nightie!

These magazines have a lot of shots
of big girls posing
on powerful motorbikes.

You're spot-on there.
She's into big bikes?

Whenever Wally went out on the bike,
there she was, right by his side.

No matter how fast.

This Wally... Hell's Angel, was he?
Of course.

And this bird up the steps,
she was his moll, yeah?

Was she ever!

Up the steps and ring the bell.
I can't tell you how grateful I am
to you lads.

Don't think about it. It's nothing.

We wish you the very best. Give our
regards to the lady of the house.

Why are we shaking hands? We might
be gone before you finish. Far.

If she gives you a big order. By
the time you've done the paperwork.
We can't hang about here for ever.

Listen, thanks again, lads. It's
our pleasure. And he's not joking.

Oh, just one more thing.
What's her name, this woman?

She never uses her name.
She prefers one of her nicknames.

Nicknames? How many has she got?

Fast Gladys.

Turbo Chops. Sugar Lips.

Right. Well, thanks for the tip.

BELL RINGS

Fast Gladys?
I beg your pardon?

Turbo Chops?
What are you talking about?

Sugar Lips?

Go on!

Wesley?

How do, Howard?

I thought I recognised the boots.

Something we can do for you?
I was just passing.
On your stomach?

I was just thinking... I was
wondering how tall Wesley is.

Have you been taking your pills?

It's a perfectly normal thing
to wonder how tall a person is.

- When he's under the car?
- I often wonder
how tall people are.

What are you doing?

What's it like under here?

It's a lot like being under a car.
What are you doing?

Trying to get my head level
with yours.

Very friendly, but I've remembered
another appointment.

You're too tall.

You've no idea how glad I am
to hear you say that!

It's kind of you to run me over
to my mother's on your day off.

I appreciate it.
No problem.

We have a good relationship
and I want us to keep working at it.

There are so many funny marriages.
It's nice to belong to a good one.

Kiss me, Barry!

Now?
Kiss me goodbye.

I'll see you dinner time.
People should show affection.

Not like that, Barry.
Do it properly! I want the world
to know we have a good relationship.

Couldn't you just tell people?

It's not the same.

Stop that, our Glenda!

Oh, Mother!

Barry!

Hey-up, Wes!
There's some traffic this morning!
Don't come in. I'm coming out!

"Don't come in?" Who's gonna come
crawling under a car?

You'd be surprised.

We're looking for Howard.
He was heading in this direction.

I'm beginning to wonder just
what direction he IS heading in!

I know that face.
Tall military gentleman.

Never mind him. Give us a kiss.

Not in here surely. Unless,
of course, it's an emergency.

Norman Clegg that was!

I see your sugar...puffs
are reduced.

Such a wicked tongue.

We're looking for Howard, madam.
We wondered if you'd seen him.

He's a very difficult person to see.
When it comes to romance,
he has this problem.

We know. It's called a wife.

That's the one.

I'd still like to know why Howard
wants somebody his size.

Why didn't you ask him when you had
the chance? Ivy were chasing us!

You let Howard get away.

Hey-up, Thunder Gob! Howard is one
of the world's best sneakers-away.

Look at the practice
he gets with Pearl.

That's true. If he can sneak out on
Pearl, he can sneak out on anyone.

How goes it, Verny?

Charming lot, you are!
You dropped me right in it.
Fast Gladys[!] Have a drink, Vernon.

No hard feelings.
You're in luck. Clegg's buying.

No wonder
there are no hard feelings.

Turbo Chops[!]
Tha moves very smartly in a crisis,
Verny. I give thee that.

She's vicious, that woman.
Some sugar lips[!]

Come along, that man.
Don't drag your feet.

You sure it's not another gag?

Verny, this is an old lady.
This one's not gonna chase you
down the street.

You think she'll be interested
in buying? She's interested
in both buying and selling.

What's tha got there, Howard?

Something my size.

We'll be with you in a moment,
Howard. In you go, Sedgewick.

And, uh...

Don't be too hard on her.

Come on, Howard!

What's wrong with married couples
showing affection?

Sit down and drink your coffee.
Oh, Mother!

I knew it'd bring trouble
when you joined that library.

What has the library to do with it?

Those books on foreign customs.

I don't see what's foreign
about showing affection.

It's foreign round here.

It's OK with household pets.
That's what they're for.

Oh, yes.
If it's got fur or feathers,
they say it reduces stress.

Nagging your husband
is the best way to reduce stress.

Not for him surely.

No, not for him.

Don't you ever show affection?

Of course we show affection.

We darn their socks, don't we?

We give them three meals a day and
a clean shirt when they want one.

If that's not affection,
I'd like to know what is.

What about before you were married?

Somebody else did his shirts.

But you must've shown affection
for each other
before you were married.

Not as much as they show these days
before they marry.

In our day they used to go to the
pictures. You didn't go through all
this business they go through now.

If you went to the pictures
with someone more than three times,
you were engaged.

It's true. You could be engaged and
married in our day without getting
into technical difficulties.

If you hardly knew each other,
what did you do on your honeymoon?

You went to Blackpool. That's
what you did. Now drink your coffee.

Howard has a secret.

Explain to us, Howard,
why you need something
that from a distance looks like you.

You know what Pearl's like.
She's unreasonably suspicious.

Unreasonably? Well, she thinks
every time I'm out, I'm probably
with some young lady.

Probably because every time you're
out, you're with some young lady.

You're found out too often, Howard.
You've got a credibility gap.

She has no right to be
so suspicious. I'm her husband.
She should trust me.

I don't see what's so funny.

You're not standing where we are.
How is a dummy supposed
to make a difference?

The dummy's no good.

I need a real person,
that from a distance looks like me.

And then what?

Well... If a certain young lady
is seen out with somebody
that looks like me,

and Pearl sees it,
you know what she'd do.

She'd k*ll you.

Or even worse -
confiscate your bicycle.

That's the clever part.
It wouldn't be me,
it'd be somebody that looks like me.

Pearl would be very embarrassed.

It'll never work, Howard.

Not a chance.

Don't say that.

No, it's worth a try.

It has possibilities,
given proper supervision.

What we need is someone
who from a distance and from
the back might look like Howard.

I see you've finally taken Pearl
in hand!

Eli!

He gets weirder.

Now if...

As soon as the ladies come out
of Edie's, Marina and Eli walk
round the corner over there.

Pearl is bound to see them, they're
in full view. We stay out of sight.

If Pearl's on the warpath,
I'll keep out of sight!

She won't be on the warpath for
long when she sees it's not Howard.

He's a stranger.
I hope he'll be gentle with me.

Don't worry, lass. Get off!

This is me, with the perfume.

Here they come.

Right, off you go, then.

Keep your back to us all the time,
Eli. Just don't get too friendly.

He's got to make it look convincing.

Put your arm round her waist.

That's not her waist!
Do be quiet, Howard.

ALL TALK AT ONCE

Isn't that your...?

Late husband?

He will be in a minute.

By, she looks ready to k*ll!

You do live dangerously, Howard.

Well, I'm too old
to be an astronaut.

You have to do something.

Any minute now
Eli will be seen kissing Marina,

Pearl will interfere, see it's not
Howard, rush back in this direction,

and just for once,
you will be innocent.

Why must he kiss her? Couldn't we
do this without him kissing her?

Don't be a spoilsport, Howard.

What's he been doing to my Marina
that was so bad
he had to get arrested?

What happened?

He just went all passionate
with a policeman.

I'm glad you're all right, love.

Oh, Howard!

Oh, Marina!

Oh, yes?

Poor old Howard.
Never gets it right.

Look who was helping him.

I did the best I could. It's not
my fault Eli kissed a policeman.

It's been a big day for Eli.

Looks like it's been a big day
for Verny!

How many copies
did she buy, Verny? Buy? Buy?
All that old beggar does is sell!