18x08 - Next Kiss Please

[bunniefuu]

Eugh! Ohh!

Oww! Aaaaagh!

Would you like to buy a ticket
in my lottery?

The first prize is me
and a wild weekend in Cleethorpes.

He's got a rash on the inside
of his arm, right into his elbow.

It's usually guilt.
It may be something he's eaten.

In my experience, it's a bad
conscience. They come out in spots.

My Barry hasn't got anything
to feel guilty about.
He works for a building society.

They've always got something
to feel guilty about.

Maybe not enough to bring 'em out
in spots, but always a few pimples.

And speaking of pimples...

What a morning!

What a morning for
a good, long ride on your bicycle!

THEY BREATHE IN HEAVILY

Wrong.

Wrong?
What a morning for doing
the windows. Back and front!

Wesley! Yoo-hoo!

Wesley! Can I have a word with you?

Wesley!

Wesley, get your body in 'ere!

Now what have I done?

Stand on that newspaper
and don't move.

It's been a quiet week.
I thought it wouldn't last.

You missed a bit, Howard.

Missed a bit?
I'm missing everything.

Life is passing me by, Cleggy.

It does that if you're lucky.
If it stops and involves you,
that's when the trouble starts.

Why aren't you on your bicycle? On
a morning like this you should be!

Why should I be on my bicycle?
I'm only going to the dustbin.

It's such a lovely morning
for a bicycle ride.

Especially if you went by a shady
lane and met a certain lady.

You could tell her I'm sorry,
but I couldn't get past Security.

Shady lane? On a bicycle?

There's a highway code at work
down there, Howard, that's only
for advanced motorists.

I'm looking at you
because you gobble your food and
then you're off to that shed again!

I want to make sure I haven't
been living with a stranger!
You saw me at breakfast.

I HEARD you at breakfast,
behind your newspaper crunching
your sugar-coated Popsicles.

You never let me in the house.
Not in that condition!

You're welcome in the house
if you're not covered in oil.
Can I go now?

Yes. I wanted to make sure
if we passed in the street,
I'd recognise you.

Feet!

Personal question, pay attention!
I haven't got time
to listen to twaddle.

It's important. Pay attention.

What about you? Have you got
a personal question too?

Not me. I've always made a practice
of never getting personal
with anybody. Tha got married!

Only superficially.

It never really interfered
with my amateur status.

Get on with it. Your question?
It better not be too personal
or you might be shorter by a head!

It's a perfectly "civilical"
question. Does tha think
Nora Batty finds me attractive?

I think she finds you scruffy,
obnoxious and a damn nuisance!

Apart from that? I should think
that's enough to be going on with!

It's all bluff. It sounds
pretty accurate to me. And to me.

She puts on this big act,
pretending she thinks I'm a dillop.
Are you sure it is an act?

Everybody thinks you're a dillop!

It's all flannel.

On the surface she might come on
like it's winter,
but underneath it's springtime.

Who loves ya, baby?

Who can I get to take the message?

Eli.

Hey, Eli!

Eh? What?

They should keep their dogs
on a lead!

Eli...

Wahoo!

Hey-up!

That's a great little boat.

It's bobbing about a lot.

So what?
I think I'm gonna be sick.

You'd be the first to be sick
just watching a paper boat.

I've never been a good traveller.
I told them that when
they called me up during the w*r.

We're supposed to be
a seafaring race.
Well, somebody has to come last.

His cap's not falling to pieces.
A few stitches will put that right.

Get yourself a new cap,
you tight one!

Listen who's talking!
How much do YOU spend on clothes?

I'd spend it if I had it.

It's not just the money,
Little Willie person.

There were a time
when I were a snappy dresser!

Then how come you've always managed
to look like a sack of manure?

Ah, yes. But then he was a sack
with very jazzy stripes.

Anyroad, it's not what tha wears,
it's the way tha wears it.

Or in your case,
the way you wear it out.

How can anybody cleaning windows
manage to have an argument
with a bicycle?

I suspect his handlebars
are out of alignment.

That's very like what my mother
used to say about you.

You're a lot like your mother.

Put your leg away before
it drives somebody apathetic.

DOORBELL RINGS

Who can that be?
Well, go and find out!

This woman I'm supposed
to give the message to -
what does she look like?

What was that?
Jehovah's Witness.

Eli? What sort of witness
would HE make?

Cleggy remembers
when I were a snappy dresser.

Not really.
I must have been out that day.

I'm talking when we were young.

Instead of being old and tatty,
you were young and tatty.

Irene Hodgkiss thought
I looked terrific.

Irene Hodgkiss used to go round
banging her head on walls
for pleasure.

I often wonder why she did that.
You don't like to ask.

It were something she were good at.

"What did you do at school today,
Irene?"

Banging your head against walls
is not a bad way
to train yourself for life.

She only did smooth walls.
Had to be plastered.

No wonder she fancied you.
You looked plastered.

She fancied me
because I looked terrific.

Compared to a wall, yes.

Listen, Josephine.
I can still pull the birds.

Pass.

I always found it was the uniform
that turned the ladies on.

I have fond memories of coming home
to a hero's welcome.

Give over!
If a bloke's got animal magnetism,
it don't matter what he wears.

I always think that a cardigan
and weskit is a great way to stop
the senses from becoming inflamed.

When did you have animal magnetism?
It looks more like moths.

I've still got it. How does
tha think I kept the flame alive
in Nora all these years?

Better with the fire brigade!

I admit you raise her temperature,
but that is irritation,
not fascination.

Give over! She's my bird
and she knows she's my bird.
Hey-up! What's wrong with Norm?

It's just that image
of Nora Batty as a bird.

I'd just die if I saw her perched
on a rooftop by moonlight.

Has she ever gone out with you or
invited you to tea? Not that anyone
in their right mind ever would.

We don't like rushing things.

It's not the impression we get
when you're eating.

You're on. It's a bet.

It sounds risky to me. Mind you,
most things sound risky to me.

Let's get down to details.
Have you got some money?

I won't be needing any.
This is a bet I'll win.

Don't give me that. I want to see
the colour of your money.

Before you call in
the Serious Fraud Squad,

I will give thee my next three
days' gee-gee money if I lose.

I think he's serious.

I think he's delirious.
Not only risking money,
but kissing Nora Batty!

It's a piece of cake.
I'm always kissing Nora Batty.

Yes, but the bet is that before
sunset tonight, she'll kiss YOU.

No problem.

I'd find it a problem if she was
kissing me. She never kisses anyone.
She never even kissed her husband.

Women don't go round
kissing their husbands.

I'm not her husband.
I'm that magical, attractive figure
what lives next door.

Nora Batty!

Here I come!

Are my lips on straight?
Get on with it.

I'm looking forward to this.
Bravest thing ever!

Pure pleasure. I'd rather kiss
Nora Batty than one of my ferrets.

For me, it would have to be
a really nasty ferret.

Before your wellies
get really steamed up,
remember she has got to kiss YOU.

I know what I'm doing.
I've got three days' gee-gee money
going on this.

Get on with it, then.
I'm going, I'm going!

DOORBELL RINGS

I don't like to think
of him being in any danger.

Don't you? I don't mind.
But then, of course, I'm a leader
of men. You have to be like that.

And sometimes it's a real pleasure.

What do you want? Sorry to bother
thee, Nora, but one of my ferrets
has sneaked into your house.

In my house? But don't worry.
I'll have him shifted in a minute.
You better!

He wasn't supposed to do that.
He was supposed to stay out here
where we could see.

Well, I wouldn't
have dared look anyway.

He's in breach of the rules.

Mind you, w*r's a lot like that.

Damned enemy always coming at you
from unexpected angles!

Marriage was a lot like that.

Yeah, I often thought I would get
married, but it would have been
such a loss to the warrior classes.

I thought you were looking for
a ferret. Why aren't you looking
for it? It's gone out.

How do you know? You haven't looked.
Tha can trust a ferret fancier
to know these things.

Why are you looking at that clock?

I were thinking time is
passing us by. Maybe we should be
grabbing our opportunities.

Don't you go grabbing anything!
Are you going or will you
stand here gabbing all day?

I'm going. Don't I get anything
for getting rid of the ferret?

You let the damn thing in.
Give us a kiss.

All right, I'm going.
I've been here long enough
to make it look convincing.

Tha's coming on,
but we need more practice!

She'll make a good kisser
when she learns not to slide
round the corners.

Right, pay up.

Don't give me that.
She never kissed you. Don't think
I'm falling for that one.

That's nice! Doubt the word
of a gentleman? Tha can still see
the imprint if tha looks closely.

Did she really kiss you?

"Come here," she said.

"Now we are alone."

Then she slung this pair
of chunky arms round me,
crushed me to her pinny,

put her lips to mine and gave me
the biggest abba-dabba-doo
tha's ever heard!

Didn't you hear it out here?

Absolute rubbish! That's more
flannel than Nora Batty's nightie!

Did everything go black?
I'm sure if she grabbed me,
everything would go black.

Pay up. I'm not paying up until
it happens in front of witnesses.

How is she gonna kiss me in public?
A shy little thing like that!

That's your problem. Shy?

Well, underneath, Norm.

If she bites you,
you'll turn septic.

The man sleeps with ferrets.
How are you gonna poison him?

We have separate beds.

What are we stopping here for?
You know these premises are haunted.

I wanted to see if she had one
of those instant cameras for hire.

The sort of things that develop the
picture as soon as you've taken it.

Tha means a haemorrhoid!

I mean a Polaroid.

I thought my granddad had Polaroids.

God, that must have been
inconvenient at weddings!

Did he have a built-in flash?

He didn't say.

What interests me about cameras
is, who's going to pay for it?

Whoever loses the bet is gonna pay
for the hire of the camera.

That'll be thee. Come on.
I'm not going in there.

Come on, you can hide behind me.

That's a nice pair of trousers to
issue invitations like that from!

Come on, that man.
I'll lead you through it.

"Come in and browse
without obligation."
You needn't buy anything.

If you believe that, you'll believe
anything. If she tries to sell you
something, point at the notice.

Tha's been on a buying spree!
I only came in to ask directions!

Ah, three strong men!
Just what I need.

One of you take these steps.

Certainly, madam.

You'll never regret it.
They're a bargain at £15.

I don't want to buy them.
I thought you wanted them moving.

Don't you hate it when customers
keep changing their minds?

He's of a nervous disposition.

That's like running to the referee
before the match has started.

We don't give credit.
Nobody's asking for credit.

If you're a cash customer, you're
well disguised. He wants a camera.

I thought as you came in
you had the sort of profile
that ought to be on camera.

I don't want to buy one.
I just want to hire one.

I like the north of England,
but they have a terrible habit
of being thrifty.

Thanks. How's your Barry's rash?
It's no better.

He's probably eaten something.
But not in my place.

How long's he had a rash?
It came on yesterday.

Well, you didn't tell me.

I've only just seen you.

I don't like to be the last
to hear Barry's got a rash.

It's only inside his arm.

I don't want the gruesome details,
just his general condition.
Oh, Mother!

They pick up all sorts of things.

Mine does.

Is it all inflamed and irritating?

That's her.

He says his blood may be too hot.
As long as it's only his arm.

You don't see rashes
like you used to. Ringworm seemed
to be popular in my day.

And impetigo.
Whatever happened to impetigo?

They found something cheaper.
Does he have an allergy?

He reacts badly to woollen
underwear. Especially on me.

Drink your coffee.

Oh, Mother!

Couldn't get mine out
of woollen underwear,
not that I ever tried very hard.

I was only holding it.
I didn't want to buy it.

Thank you for taking advantage
of our summer offers.

How long does he expect
a lady to wait?

Could he just be toying
with my affections?

He could if he gets a move on!

We're not going to have time
for a toy unless he gets a move on!

BICYCLE BELL RINGS

He's coming. He's coming!

Message for Marina!

Message for Marina!

It's not him. He's sent
a substitute. How thoughtful.

Over here, Eli!

Get off the road!

Oh, dear! I hope you haven't
damaged anything irreplaceable.

I'm all right. I'm all right.
They never told me

you were such an attractive lass.

Flatterer!

A real bonnie lass!

"Help. I need the kiss of life?"

That's cheating.

Nobody said what sort of a kiss
it should be.

Get ready with that camera, Cleggy.

I say it's unfair. It's not
within the spirit of our agreement.

GROANS OF PAIN

Did tha see that? She left me
out there to die. You really are
irresistible to women[!]

I'm wearing a sign asking for help
and she leaves me out there to die!

It says, "Come in and browse
without obligation."

Little wonder she went back inside!

I told him she'd never fall for it.

Well, he hasn't given up yet.

It's not the kiss of life he needs,
it's a suit transplant.

It's Rudolph Valentino.
Look at this!

Hormones on the hoof, kid.

What are you using for after-shave?
Petrol? What have you been writing
on your sign?

"Smile, you're on camera?"

Ssh! What camera? Tha's not
supposed to know. Know what?

It's television. One of
them hidden camera programmes.

They're trying to find out
who's got the kindest neighbour
so I put your name forward.

No, just a minute.

Thank you.

That's it, go on, be neighbourly!
Maybe you should take it as a sign.