18x10 - A Sidecar Named Desire

[bunniefuu]

LOUD YODELLING YAWN

Why don't tha take a day off?
Why don't you take one on?

Enjoy thyself!

I AM enjoying myself! At least I was
until you poked your nose in.

Tha went out when Wally were alive.

I used to enjoy a run
in the motorbike and sidecar.

It was different then!
I had somebody to go with.

Hang on a minute! Tha's still got
somebody to go with...

You?! Do you think I'd be seen
out with you in your condition?!

I am in the PEAK of condition!

That's more than can be said
for them long johns!

Tha should have grabbed me
before I settled down.
Supposing I get done up a bit?

Shutting up would be better.

Watch this space!
If tha sees anybody gorgeous...

it'll be me!

ENGINE CLANKS AND WHIRRS

It's not been the same since your
father mended it! But he's good with
cars. Well, he dresses the part!

I'll get the bus, love.

Be careful, Barry!

Who does your hair? Cropsprayers[?]

What have you done to yourself?

Everything but plastic surgery!

You look terrible!

I feel terrible!
Me feet are k*lling me!

Nora, what if we went somewhere
where we could both wear wellies?

They've got a grip
like Auntie Wainwright.

Oooh! Aaaw!

HE WHISTLES TO HIMSELF

BRAKES SCREECH

Oh, Mother!

It's your father. He will keep
tampering with these brakes.

He takes out all the smooth bits
and just leaves me with the lumps.

You'd better go and have a word
with your father's boots.

I've talked to his boots
for that many years, they can
understand every word I say.

Dad? What? Don't get upset,
but Barry's had to go on the bus.

His car won't start.

Won't start?!

Has he been tinkering with it?
He wouldn't know how to!

They're the worst kind!

It's you! You've been
tinkering with his car.

It was going when I left him.
Well, he's going on the bus!

We're taking it to the garage.
Will you be offended
if we take to the garage?

Offended?! Me offended?!

Why should I be offended...

just because you've no confidence in
your father, think I'm a wally with
a hammer, think I can't fix a car?

Me - I was born
with a spanner in me fist.

Don't get yourself worked up.

Don't over-rev yourself.

She won't take it to the garage.

I'd better have a look at it, then.

And don't let him tinker with it
next time!

FAINT DRILLING

DRILLING STOPS

LOUD DRILLING

Either I've got mice with drills
or that's Howard!

Howard! I don't want you
to take this personally,

but I think your drill
is out of control.

[I had to attract your attention.]

With a hole in the wall?
What's wrong with the phone?

She listens to me calls! But she
lets you drill through walls?!

I'm supposed to be
putting up shelves.

I thought
if I went that little bit further,
it would attract your attention.

It did, Howard.
It attracted my attention.

I'll and make it good, Cleggy.
You won't see a thing!

That sounds a lot like my honeymoon.

I wondered why the drilling had
stopped. I thought maybe he were
mortally wounded.

I've gone a bit too far,
gone through Cleggy's wall.
Only one wall!

How could you go that far?
I don't know me own strength.

I'd better go
and plug Cleggy's wall.

Leave me the drill.
I'LL put the shelves up!

I've heard this terrible rumour.
You've got to check it out for me.

I can't get away. I'm supposed
to be do-it-yourselfing!

Well, you CAN do it yourself
if it concerns Marina! It does!

Well, goodbye, Howard.
I'll plug the hole.

But wait till you hear the rumour!

You'll understand
how important it is.

It feels like the bottom's falling
out of my whole existence!

You've been drilling the floor too!

I'm talking personal torment here!

You've had your water bill!

Marina's had an offer where
she works, an offer of marriage

from some swine of an under-manager
in Grocery and Provisions.

Grocery and Provisions?!

He's left it a bit near
her sell-by date!

WHISPERING

[She's had an offer of marriage?!]

MARINA?!

Keep your voice down.
People are listening.

She's had an offer of marriage?!

According to Howard
who is in no fit state to be
in charge of a power drill!

And who is the lucky complete twit?

Somebody where she works.
An under-manager
in Grocery and Provisions.

Marrying Marina and he's allowed
to pick customers' fruit and veg?!

So what does Howard expect you
to do about it?

Pearl won't let Howard out and he's
desperate to find out if it's true.

It won't be true.

Who's going to marry Marina?
The lass is not for marrying.

She's for educational purposes.

Well, there's worse than Marina.
Professional boxers are prettier
than some of your old girlfriends.

I thought they WERE
professional boxers!

I didn't marry one though, did I?

No, they had their evil way with you
and then left you.

Aye...I were just a helpless prawn.

I think that should be "pawn".

Oh, I don't know though!

You think I've been listening! Well,
you needn't think I'm interested!

I never thought tha would be!
I'm sure I'm not interested
in your conversations!

Which one in Grocery and Provisions?
The short, fat one?

We've no idea.

You come in here with half a story?!

Which tha didn't want to listen to!

It's not been worth the listening!
You missed all the details.

If you're going to come in here,
full of gossip, do it right!

It's not something that I approve of

but I hate to see it wasted
on a bunch of dillips who can't even
get the details right!

Next time, question your informant
more closely. We don't like to pry.

Especially when it's personal.

Ye gods! Wasted!

Hello, Glenda? It's me.

..Yeah, I know I don't usually
call you from work.

..No, I'm all right.

..I haven't had a heart attack!

It's not a medical emergency.

..No. I'm not just being brave!

..Look, I'm fine...physically.

I'm just...a bit worried
about the car.

I wanted to tell you -
don't let your father near...

.."Too late"?! Why is it too late?

You didn't want
to hurt his feelings?!

..Well, of course I understand.
He's your father.

..What?!
..Of course I still love you!

Look, um, I'm going to have to go,
Glenda.

I've got a customer waiting.

Me car!

Just how desperate is Howard?

Well, he drilled through my wall to
get my attention. That's desperate!

Coming through the wall!
Especially at breakfast time!

Well, the man's obviously panicked.

People do under pressure.

Has he had the rumour confirmed?
That's the first elementary step.

He may be worrying about nothing.

He wants me to find out
if it's true. That makes sense.

Not to me it doesn't. He knows I go
speechless when I get near Marina!
Why's that?

I don't want to talk about it.
Hey up!

Clegg has had a relationship
with Marina!

I didn't! It was an accident. An
accidental relationship with Marina?

Under what circumstances?
I don't want to talk about it.

"I don't want to talk about it"!

Hey up!

THUNDER CRASHES

Norman Clegg and Marina!

Tha's a dark horse, Norm!

Dark?! I'm practically floodlit!

I was a victim of circumstance.

Well, if it was innocent,
what are you hiding?

I'm not. I'm just embarrassed.

Now, that's interesting.
What happened to make
Mr Norman Clegg embarrassed?

Nothing happened!
Then why are you embarrassed?

Whenever I'm near a woman,
I'm always embarrassed. How near?

Never you mind!

With this previous relationship with
Marina, you are the ideal person
to ask her about the rumour.

It wasn't a relationship!
And I'm not going near her!

Norman Clegg, man of mystery!

And who's THIS man of mystery?

Who do we know
that's a great, long, dozy dollop?

Apart from Foggy Dewhurst.

Do you mind? Smiler!

That's who it is, then!

'Ey-up, Smiler!

What's tha doing with this?

Auntie Wainwright's bought it.

"I want you to go and pick up this
motorcycle and sidecar," she said.

She never said
the engine didn't work.

Well, it's mostly downhill.

What are you moaning about? You can
freewheel practically all the way.

You can give us all a lift.
Are you sure about this?

It's not just women
I get nervous about.

Get in, Norman. Me and thee
on the inside, Foggy on the pillion.

We have to get it up the hill first.

Right. Good thinking, Smiler.
We'll see thee at the top.

Come back, that man!
We've got to give this chap a hand.

Call this a lift?

I told you your father could fix it.
It's ridiculous - using a garage.

I know.
It's just that Barry loves his car.

Your father loves cars.
There's nobody kinder to cars
than your father. I know, Mother.

She's pulling nicely up this hill.
She'll be all right now.

ENGINE STARTS TO SPLUTTER
Ooops...

ENGINE THUDS

What's wrong with it? Don't worry
your father when he's confused.

She just needs a bit of adjustment.

Soon have her running quieter.
On a car of this calibre,
the quieter, the better.

I like a machine that runs quiet.

'Ey-up!

That was quiet!

BRAKE SQUEALS

CRASHING METAL

That's it - out! Why didn't
the dozy twit use the brake?

I was using the brake! Tha's useless
with a motorbike and sidecar!

I wouldn't say "useless".
You'd be out-voted.

I know who used to like a trip in a
motorbike and sidecar - Nora Batty.

I wonder, if we got that repaired,
I could borrow it
off Auntie Wainwright.

And I thought HE was
the doziest twit we'd seen today!

No. Credit where it's due.

You want to hire
my motorbike and sidecar?

Can he afford to hire it?

No chance! He's honest - I'll give
him that. Scruffy, but honest.

Very difficult class of customer.

Well, if YOU can't afford it,

perhaps your friends can. NO!

Out of the question.

Times like these
you know who your friends are.

Well, there is an alternative.

Let's hear it. Until it gets
to a part where I lose money,
I'm an attentive listener.

Suppose we get Wesley
to put the machine in working order.

Go on.

You'd have a bike in good condition.
In exchange, you'd let him use it.

Full working order, passed its MOT?

Agreed.
And he pays his own petrol?

Done!

I hope I haven't been...

You've not said a lot.

I'm allowed one phone call
and the services of a solicitor.

An offer of marriage. From somebody
in Grocery and Provisions.

He obviously can't tell
margarine from butter!

Everything's packaged so tight,
he's probably glad to find
something easy to unwrap.

I never thought she'd make it.

I thought she was destined to grow
shorter and shorter in the skirt.

It's him you feel sorry for.

I think I've seen them together.
We passed them on the moors.
He's a small chap.

Drink your coffee!

It's time she had a husband.

She's had one for some time.

One of her own!

I wonder if it'll be
a white wedding.

If it is, it'll be a flagrant breach
of the Trades Description Act.

I know somebody who'll go white.

White's not suitable these days.

Today's brides should be wearing
a combat jacket!

BOOM!

Wesley's found life in her already.

I'll need some motorcycle gear and
a helmet. Borrow them from Wesley.

CRASH!

I wouldn't borrow Wesley's
in case that explodes as well.

Did you find out?!

Find out what? About Marina!

I should think everyone's found out
about Marina!

About the offer of marriage.
I asked YOU, Cleggy.

I'm not good at things like that.
I'm allergic to females.

Tha weren't allergic to her once!
Tha was going to tell us about it.

Well, come on then, what happened?

Come on. It's time you told us.

Him and Marina!
Once upon a time.

You treacherous swine, Norman Clegg.
It was years ago.

We were stuck in a lift, that's all.

Just you and Marina? Yes.
What happened? Nothing!

Except...we had to snuggle together
to keep warm.

You swine, Norman Clegg!

Couldn't you have
lit a fire or something?

CRASH

It was pure coincidence.
We were both shopping in Leeds.

I walked into this lift
in this store, and there was Marina.

It sounds fishy to me.

Maybe you hit the wrong button.
Don't t*rture me!

He means the lift, Howard.

Why does it matter
if she marries someone from Grocery
and Provisions? I must know!

Go and ask her, and I'll forgive you.
For what? I didn't touch any button.

Even when I was married
I didn't touch buttons.

She had this bracelet with a funny
clasp. I fastened that occasionally.
That was it.

I never thought of you
as nimble with jewellery.

There she is!

I'll ask her myself!

In broad daylight, Howard?
I don't care! I have to know!

INAUDIBLE

It's all right!

It wasn't an offer of marriage!

It was an offer of a garage!

Through somebody
in Grocery and Provisions.

I know she's not everybody's idea
of summat that belongs in the house,
but why does she need a garage?

CAR HORN TOOTS

She's bought a little car!
We'll be more mobile now.

Norman Clegg that was. Would you
care for another lift, Norman?

WESLEY: Should be all right.
She's a tidy little goer!

Do you think
Nora will accept a lift?

From a stranger? I'm not a stranger.
You look strange.

Take no notice.
You look just like Biggles.

Or even "Biggler"!

She used to like
a trip in a sidecar.

Maybe this is that little bit of
extra magic that will do the trick.

Hurry, before she gets an offer of
marriage from Grocery and Provisions.

I'm going! I'm going!
Wish me luck, Norm.

ENGINE STARTS

ENGINE REVS

Wow!

He really does look like Biggles!

He looks like an idiot.
Who'll ride with him in that?

Well,
it beats being stuck in a lift.

That's two jobs I've done today.
One motorbike, and Barry's car.

Yorkshire's answer to Henry Ford.

I'm developing hands
like a surgeon.

I ought to see Gladys's new baby,
but the bus doesn't go that way now.

I know.
I'll run you in the car.

Don't trouble yourself.
It's no trouble.

Wesley will want his tea.
He can wait.

I better get Howard's tea.

We're in this thing together!

RUMBLE APPROACHES

'Ey-up, ladies. Anyone for a lift?

In that thing?!

It'll be safer than with Edie.

You're right.
Have you got room for three?

[By heck, it never rains
but it pours...]

Everybody aboard!

You can drop me off at the cafe.

ENGINE REVS NOISILY

Do you think they didn't want to go
with me? Why would you think that?

Where does she live, your Gladys?
It's not far.

Like old times, eh, Nora?
Keep your eyes on the road.

Follow that car!

SQUEAL OF BRAKE

Put your clog down.
We're being followed!

Oh, Howard! Oh, Marina!

Arghh!

TYRES SQUEAL

You know the trouble with
civilian life - it's too peaceful.

I'm used to shocks and surprises -
the sudden emergency.

Have you tried
ringing Nora Batty's bell?

I mean real emergencies -
the shock of w*r.

The excitement of something
suddenly bursting into your life.

Nothing ever happens round here!
BOOMING ENGINE

Looks like Nora's accepted a lift.

He's got what he wanted, at last.
Nora Batty's chasing HIM!