31x02 - Happy Camping

[bunniefuu]

I thought Howard
was looking stressed.

That swingers lifestyle
will do it every time.

Has he no plans
for hanging up his bicycle?

Early retirement?

No, I don't think so.

But if he's getting flak now
from Marina as well as Pearl...!

Well...showing courage under fire.

Pity there isn't an award for
sheer dogged flight from reality.

Anyway, who's been
complaining about us?

The sergeant...
and some of the other blokes.

We're leaving too
many crumbs in t'car.

Somebody's counting?

Did they give an indication of
how many crumbs we're allowed?

They've found bits of fast food.

Well, they will be bits.

I've never seen you leave anything
substantial. Look who's talking.

There's no survivors
when you start chomping.

Didn't you tell them
we always use a napkin?

The sergeant said ours is the only
car that looks like a crime scene.

You should have told him
how dainty we are.

Is that a good image, do you think,
in our job?

And stay out...till you
can put a smile on your face.

I'm fed up of you moping around
looking like a bruised elbow.

Trouble at home, Howard?

But how are things...
elsewhere, shall we say?

She's getting temperamental as well.

How are you handling the stress?

Have you tried camomile tea?

It's seen me through
some rough patches.

Look at that skin, eh?

No worry lumps there.

And here's my big tip for
all-day peace of mind...

Two thin slices of fresh cucumber,
laid for ten minutes on closed eyes.

Cucumber doesn't agree with me.

Oh...not only Pearl, then?

And what may library services
do for Mr Hobdyke?

I'm here with my team to offer our
talents in any charitable capacity.

Fund-raising, security consultancy,
hostage negotiation.

Hostage negotiation?

Don't the police normally do that?

We're here if anyone
wants to go private.

We also offer counselling, yoga
and rewiring electric motors.

My team has all the skills.
Your team?

Come in.

Why were you hanging back?

Seemed like good idea.

All I ask is a little support.

That's what you're getting -
little support.

What?

What can you see
that's making you stare?

It's all there, isn't it?
You can read it.

A life at the edge leaves its traces.

I have to tell you, Mr Hobdyke -
you've got lovely eyes.

We've noticed that.

We like left one.

You heard Miss Davenport.
You laughed when you caught
me with cucumber on my eyes.

I should think so.
We were in the bank.

Fascinating eyes.
Mobile, always on the move.

Don't let them fool you.

They're also k*ller's eyes.

I don't believe it.

Have you never married, Mr Hobdyke?

I can't remember.
But it's more than likely.

They messed with my mind, you know.

They wiped my memories.

There could be a little woman
pining for me somewhere. There is!

And she's standing right here!

You'll understand
the lady and I are just friends.

So I'm totally unconcerned
if she has other friends -

as long as they're not men.

And now, suddenly,
she's comparing me with
a Mr Waddle and I think I'm losing.

This is not something
I can discuss with Pearl.

You know how unreasonable
wives can be.

So I'm turning to both of you
for the advice I know I can expect

from people who have always been
so interested in my problems.

Where's the fire? Oh, I can't stop.

I've just had an embarrassing
encounter in the library.

All I ever get's a book.

Brighten up!

You look like a collapsed lung.

I don't see what there is
to feel bright about.

You've got your health
and a better woman than you deserve.

I always thought so,

but now all I'm hearing
is Mr Waddle.

I was referring to me.

Well, of course!

I knew that.

LOUD CRY

What? Don't ask.

Of course I'm going to ask.
I don't wish to talk about it.

I'm still going to
ask you what's wrong.

If I didn't ask you what was
wrong, you'd think that was wrong,

so what's wrong? Why did you shriek?

It wasn't a shriek.
It was a cry of pain.

Look at me, Barry. What do you see?

I see somebody who's not
telling me what's wrong.

I'll show you what's wrong.

Look at it.

Oh, I like you in that skirt.

I like me in this skirt.
So, what's the problem?

I can't get into it. I'm fat.

You're not fat.

We're both fat,

and it's got to stop.

It'll soon be Gloria's wedding,
and I want to be wearing something

that doesn't look like
the refreshment tent.

I've seen you
looking good in a tent.

Of course, your mother didn't
believe in camping before marriage.

[VOICE WITH ECHO]
This is a recorded message.

You have reached the home
of Luther Hobdyke.

I'm not here at the moment.

Please leave after the tone.
Beeeeeeep!

Open the door, Hobbo.
Stop being an idiot.

Who is it?

Two other idiots.

One only part time.

Give me the password.

What password?

If I have to tell you the password,

the system's not really working,
is it?

You never gave us password.

Are you sure?

I'll get you one.

We'll change it daily.
Have you been followed?

Why all the panic?

It's not panic.

It's standard operational procedure.
And then you panic.

You've not brought a female,
have you?

You want female bringing,
you fetch your own.

I don't want one bringing.

I've just had a frightening
experience in the library.

She thinks you've got lovely eyes.

It was so embarrassing.

He has. He's got lovely eyes.

They're trained eyes. Oh, yes. You'd
be amazed what these eyes have seen.

Eyes, window of soul.

You've got double glazing.

He wants a book.

Well...
Can you narrow that down a bit?

What kind of book?

A very thick one.

I want him reading in his spare
time, not frolicking with my ex.

I wasn't frolicking.
We got nowhere near frolic.

I trust this person with my ironing.

He knows every secret
of my intimate wardrobe,

then off he sneaks to apply
his knowledge to the woman
I hope to recover.

It wasn't a sneak.
I was practically kidnapped!

Can you find him a book?

Something to cool his enthusiasms.

I've always had cool enthusiasms.

My wife left me because she said I
was too cool with the enthusiasms.

Find him something
very unstimulating.

"Superconductivity In Metals"?

Sounds good.
I'd rather wait for the film.

Oh Marina. How can you say
he dresses better than me?

He seems to care more to please me.

I don't like you mixing
with these flash dressers.

Will you please stop
following me, Howard!

I need some space
to consider my future.

Trouble in paradise, Howard?

She wants some space.

Lend her your shorts.

Space enough for anybody.

She says I don't have
any dress sense.

Well...who are we to judge?

I don't think we've ever
seen you in a dress.

She says I always wear
the same old things.

Marina usually.

She says I'm not cool.

That's only because you're not cool.

We can help here.

You lot? It's what we do.

Now, let me take a look at you.

I could embroider your initials
on your shorts.

Maybe a logo.

A little flash of lightning.

He's got something on it already.
It looks like...

tomato sauce?

I made us a sandwich.

He could embroider
round trace of sandwich.

I've been so wracked emotionally.

I didn't realise I was
dropping tomato sauce.

Have you told her that?

Does she know you've been
hurt so badly that you've been
splashing tomato sauce?

These little details
soften the female heart.

Unless she prefers mustard.

Ignore that.

We can help here.

I think this is a case for the team.

Does your Travis ever laugh?

You've got me there.

You can't remember?

Well... Not specifically, but I
suppose he must laugh sometimes.

But you're not sure? Well...

I can't off the top of my
head remember an occasion.

You won't. There won't be one.

They do misery much better.

You should see the face on mine.

It's wearing me down,
I'll have to sort him out.

At least yours goes out.

Oh, Howard goes out.

There's nobody better at going out.

You don't know how lucky you are.

Travis just sits there all day.

I have to vacuum round him.

What does he do all day?

He just sits there, being Travis.

Is it enough for all day?

He seems happy enough with it.

GRUMBLING IN NEXT ROOM

Speaking of happy... Happy?

And where do you find that, I'd like
to know, in this uncertain world?

It's not as if you
haven't looked, is it?

I am.
I'm going to have to sort him out.

Where did you meet your wife?

At a dinner-dance.
The food wasn't all that good either.

Got you trained though, hasn't she?

She's a civilian.
She's allowed brutality.

And it works.

I've seen you backing off
when she gives you that look.

Simple self-preservation.

She's connected.

Like the mafia?

She's got a direct
line to t'Godfather?

Worse, she's got her mother.
She does voodoo.

She reads tea leaves.

She talks to dead people.

Does she get replies?

What, with my mother-in-law?
They'd never get a word in edgeways!

It's a monologue.

"You're there, aren't you, Bill?

"I know you're there.
Still looking out for us.

"You warned her not to marry him."
That's me.

I've got a terrible reputation
in the afterlife.

Not so hot in this one.

Glenda.

Going well, good rhythm!

Enjoying the fresh air, Barry?

It's k*lling me.
Glenda's going well.

It's her idea.

We've got to lose weight
before Gloria's wedding.

I better go before she finds
out she's fitter than me.

Too late. Hang on, Barry.

Can I just say one word? Posture.

Pushing the body to its limits
is all about good posture.
Look at the way you're standing.

Look at the way
you're nearly falling.

You've got to be upright - expand
the chest cavity - room to breathe.

HE WHEEZES

I was happy being fat!

When I'm thin, I shall look back
nostalgically on that
pleasantly rounded person.

So tell her. No more slimming.

Yes, yes, I can do that!

All it takes is...

..one big decision.

Yes! Are you coming?

CAGILY: Coming.

Just improving his posture.

That's it. Posture - posture.

He looks deformed. Yes, he looks
deformed - but he's breathing better.

How many is that today?

What? That behind your back.

Bacon butties. I like bacon butties.

You like her that's selling them.

You must admit she's very attractive.

She smells of fried onions.

Only for the first couple of hours.

I bet you get used to it.

BELL TINKLES

There's a parking charge
if you bring that in here!

But I can't leave it outside!

It good job he
doesn't drive a 4x4!

You have to take it out, lad.

Tom can watch it for you.

He leaves greasy finger marks.

Not on Mondays.
She doesn't open on Mondays.

Come back on Monday.

I won't be here Monday.

I wanted everything a man needs
for going off into the wilderness.

Oh well, in that case,
I can find room for a bicycle.

I think this bit's damp.

I hate damp. Oh, stop fussing.

It's not fussing.
It's elementary survival training.

Sounds like fussing.

The body's a machine.

A fussy machine.

If you look after the body,
it will look after you.

Bad things can happen
from damp, you know.

I shall be awake
half the night applying heat
to the small of my back.

Why not big of your back?

Cover more ground.

There is no big of your back.

Hobbo's got a part missing.

Comes as no surprise to me.

It's we tall people who are martyrs
to tricky backs.

It's evolution.

Humans weren't supposed to
turn out tall and impressive.

We were supposed to remain little
hairy chunkies. Speaking of which...

I tell a lie.

It's not a little hairy chunky,
it's Howard.

With everything but Marina.

She could be in there somewhere.

He'll never get her through customs.

I'm looking for somewhere secluded.

On your own. That makes a change!

Of course, on my own.

I'm finished with women.

All of them?

Yes, all of them.

You're looking
at Mr Completely Independent.

I'm going off into the wilderness
and I'm going to search for wisdom.

What happens when your
bus pass needs renewing?

I don't care any more.
Oh, it's serious this time.

The man's in emotional
turmoil, you can see it.

Well, I mustn't stop chatting.

Which way is Albania?

A long way from Marina
as the crow flies.

Please - do not speak to me
of that name.

Crow?

No.

The other one.

The one that's being
led astray by a Mr Waddle.

Not that I care.

It's no business of mine.

Look at the face on it.

The man needs help and support.

And you've found just the right team.

You're going home.

I'm never going home. Howard!

There's a little woman there waiting.

She's not deserted you.

She's not gone off with a Mr Waddle.

Count your blessings.
You'd have hated Albania.

Go home, Howard.

I can't go home.

I've burned my bridges.

Burnt britches?

Maybe saddle too high.

Bridges. Bridges.

Why? What have you done?

I left a note
saying I've gone forever.

She knows you'll be back by teatime.

Not this time.

I've got my pride.

I'm spending a night
out at the very least.

All night - alone - in dark?

I could stay at your place.

There'll be no need. No.

We'll get you back home.

Right, team. Let's go.

Howard, get your bike over -
we'll go the short way.

I can't get this lot over the wall!

It's all in the mind.

You find your calm centre.

You focus all your inner power
and you...

HIS BACK CRACKS

I find myself enormously
attracted to Mr Hobdyke,

but I don't think
I'm getting through.

Tell me about it.

I've wasted years
not getting through.

He's got the most fascinating eyes.

What can I say about Howard?

He's got...

quite a decent bicycle.

And I hope he looks after it,
because in future that's the only
companion he's going to have.

How sad!

No, it's not. It's freedom!

I'm in search of pastures new.

Look out Mr Waddle, here I come!

Everybody I know seems to
be going to Gloria's wedding.

Her mother's behind it.

You might've known she'd
have to make a big splash.

I don't know what I'm going to wear.

An ex-pub landlady?

You've got more outfits
than Posh Becks.

You have to give the drinkers
something to keep pulling
them back to the bar.

But it's not stuff you
could wear in church!

What's up with him?

It's all in the posture.

Found his calm centre.

Just let me just stand for a moment,
handling the pain.

First thing you have to learn
is handling the pain. Ah!

HIS BACK CRACKS

I've never known anybody in that
condition and still sober.

Get him moved.

I can't have him on catering
premises looking like that!

HE MOANS

It's only me. Oh, come in.

Are you going somewhere? No.

He is.
I thought he'd left home already.

Oh, he has. Like he often does,

but he's always back in time
for his tea. Well, this time...

he's in for a shock.

You're throwing him out?

Watch this space!

If we're going to live on salads, why
don't we just buy some from the shop?

It's much fresher
if you pick your own.

That looks like one of these.

Are you sure? Of course I'm...

almost certain.

Nibble a bit,
it's supposed to taste minty.

Mmm...

HE SPITS IT OUT

Walking better, you see.

Ignore the pain and they'll
never spot you've been injured.

Never spot?

You're walking like
a constipated parrot.

Which is not good,

since they live for hundred years.

I'd defy anyone
to notice this from normal.

Oh, Mr Hobdyke!

Why are you walking so strangely?

Do you need help?

Does he ever.

There is no cause for alarm, madam,
everything is under control.

Is there anything I can do?

Oh, Marina!

Oh...whoever you are.

She won't even look at me!

What do you care?

You're going home to the
welcoming arms of a loving woman.

I tried that once,
but wife found out.

Stop!

You can't end this
on such a petty note.

You owe each other a
decent, final parting. He's right.

A sad but romantic ending.

I like it! A last goodbye.

A solemn shake of hands.

Somewhere where his wife
can see that it's all over.

Her man is coming home.

Signal him to keep Pearl busy.

No, we're ready down here.

Are you sure Pearl will
be able to see? Good.

Here we go then.

OK, you're on. And make it look good.

The world's sweetest,
saddest handshake.

Not me - Marina!

Oh, Marina.

Oh, Howard.

Oh, to heck with a handshake!

What if Pearl won't let me in?

You'll be fine - as soon as she
understands you were saying goodbye.

And saying it well.
I'd say he's done it before.

Stop winding him up.

Go on, Howard. Where's your smile?

She wants a smile, give her a smile!

A fresh start, Howard.

Day one of domestic bliss.

And later, when you're
snuggling close together -

tell her what she can do
with two slices of cucumber.

Honey, I'm home!

ALL: Ooh...

She's put everything in!

All me stuff! There's a note.

She's left a note.

She's still communicating.

What does it say?

"Happy camping".