31x05 - Look Whose Wheel's Come Off

[bunniefuu]

Right! Your easel's in the car with
all your paints. Now go and paint.

People stare!

You're not going to
let that stop you?

You always said you wanted to paint.

I'll paint in the garage.

No, you won't.
You'll go and find a nice view.

It'll take your mind
off wanting to eat.

Stopping slimming would work better.

Go!

Be a Constable!

They make you feel more like a WPC.

Breaks your heart, doesn't it?

No.

Not even bruised.

Oh, come on!

You can drop that
macho pose with me.

Who knows how many these hands
may have k*lled,

but I'm still not afraid to show
my caring side. We've noticed.

Like the perfume, don't we?

Tell everybody.
"Hobbo smells delicious."

It's not perfume, it's aftershave.

And I wear a
recommended moisturiser.

Where's the harm in that?

If Howard had taken more
care of his complexion,
maybe he'd still have a home.

Do you think she still loves me?

Unlikely.

No chance.

Give over!
Of course Pearl still loves him.

Where's your proof?

Does she have any
private nicknames for you?

I mean, what does she call you,
Howard, in these special moments?

"Hey, you!"

And I get "moron" a lot.

Would you recognise me in these?

YES.

How about from a distance?

Say from Huddersfield, possibly not.

Why do you need a disguise, Barry?

I wouldn't call it a disguise,
it's just that you don't
always want to be recognised.

Oh, right, mmm.

Do you recognise this person?

Never seen him before.

You must have known
Chester Pilsworth?

Every pub landlady knew Chester.

We used to throw him out
in rotation.

Not any more.

He's stopped drinking.

I don't believe you!

He was one of the rocks
of the innkeeper's trade.

He's not poorly, is he?

Worse. He's heavily second married.

That was his other interest.

Even drunk he had a steady eye
for a barmaid's blouse.

He's steadier now.
She's got him housebound
and doing home improvements.

They go that way sometimes,
second wives.

Get a bit of makeup
and their hair done nice...

They've lured many a
poor soul into home improvements.

I shudder to think how much
danger we're constantly in.

You're safe enough round here.

Listen, if it can happen to Chester
Pilsworth there's nobody safe.

Don't hold your breath.

I shall be gone the first time you
start waving any paint catalogues.

Are you making love to me?

Good heavens, woman!
What kind of question is that?

It's just that my
antenna's twitching.

Well, turn the damn thing off.

You saw that? Class A guilty look.

Written all over him.

He's got something in his car
he didn't want us to see.

Just about to remove it, wasn't he?

Question is, what?

The first day I put this uniform on

I knew I had to be
prepared for this. For what?

Coming across somebody
getting rid of a body.

Whoa, whoa!

We shall never be finished
by the end of the shift.

Why should it be a body?

He's not going to come all this
way to get rid of his rubbish.

They dump that nearer town.

It could be anything.
That he's trying to hide?
Go on, such as what?

Maybe it's a musical instrument.

He comes out here to get some
practice and he's embarrassed
if anybody's around.

I like that.

It makes him much more sympathetic.

Human and vulnerable.

The kind of person you
could empathise with.

I like that a lot.

It beats bodies by a mile.

I like that.

What?

We come in peace.

Not to mention fear and trembling.

Something's tickling you two.

What are you up to?

You'll be getting a visit from Hobbo.

With a message from Howard.

Remember Howard?
He used to live here.

Tell him to slip it under the door.

He can't, it's a kiss.

Howard's sending you a kiss.

Again?

Is he going senile?

We had one on honeymoon.

Hobbo just delivery boy.

Don't tell him we warned you.

Supposed to be big surprise.

What?

What makes the world go round?

In these parts
it's mostly stupidity.

Love is the answer I'm looking for.

I come with a message
from your greatest admirer.

And I've got one for him.

He bids me give you these.

And this.

What's he doing?! What's he doing?!
Doing all right.

You sent the message.

In a plain envelope.
That's far too fancy.

Must be first class.

There's no reply.

Cuffs and collars.

I'm notoriously picky
about my cuffs and collars.

It's only me! Come in, Glenda.

Always a pleasure.

It's Morton, really, I want to see.

You want to see me?

What have I done? Relax.

It's good news.

You're going to Gloria's wedding.

I've nothing to wear.

I've not been invited.

My friend Moira has, and she
can take a guest. You're going.

I'm going with a Moira?

I'm not good with strangers.

She's a very nice person.

Translation,
looks like an old mattress.

Not true. She's quite attractive.

I'm not good with quite attractive.

I am,

but my wife will be there.

It's my opportunity
to win back the little...

woman.

She never kisses me like that.

Are you using the right moisturiser?

I was a complete prisoner.

All I could think of
was name, rank and number.

How long have you been big kisser?

It wasn't me.

If you'd looked closely
you would have seen I was
in a defensive posture.

You took your time getting away!

She has a strong grip
for a small person.

It's a bit much
when you have to learn facts
about your wife from a neighbour.

You mean you didn't know
she had a strong grip?

You don't like to pry.

Forget it. It's over now.

Not for Howard. He's jealous.

Of me? The man who's sworn
to get him safely back into
his wife's loving arms?

Last time he looked,
wife's arms seemed full.

He's got you spotted as a
terror with the ladies.

Doesn't he know that I'm
dedicated to a life of service?

You kissed him? In front of Howard?

In broad daylight?

Did I ever!

I thought I'd forgotten how,
but it soon came back to me.

In the pub trade you have
to act as if it never left.

I couldn't do with stuff
like that coming back
unless it was good for arthritis!

One kiss and he looked terrified.

I'm sure I didn't always have
that effect. Ask your Howard.

He'll not remember.

I wonder what effect
I once had on Travis.

Can't you remember?

No, not really.

It's like we were
two other people then.

Both of us alive.

Ladies, Hobbo's on his way
with Howard. They're arguing.

Howard thinks Hobbo big ladies man.

Unlikely.

You ladies
could soon give that impression.

Howard's jealous.

Say no more.

What? Hussy!

Come and sit down, man.

You're supposed to be mending
fences, not calling her names.

It's so bare-faced.

Kissing people outside
her own front door!

She's attracted to you.

Nobody's attracted to me!

They can sense the coldness that
lies within the lethal machine.

He's so cuddly.

Mother!

I sometimes wish I was.

Ooh, I know what you mean. Ooh!

Are you going my way?

Ooh, you shouldn't be
allowed out in that aftershave.

It ought to be banned, it's lethal!

Stop!

Did you see that, eh?

The way I landed like a cat?

We heard the startled meow.
Big p*ssy.

Barry! Thought it was you.

They do.

You think you're alone
and they come from nowhere.

How's it going, Barry?

Getting worse, thank you.

It does that.

So what are we painting?

And hiding?

I wouldn't say hiding, exactly.

It's hardly worth a look.

Oh!

I could m*rder a few chips.

So what's the problem?

I'm slimming.

Sorry to hear that, Barry.

That too will pass.

Is there a reason for this,
apart from the lack of moral fibre?

I'm doing it for Glenda.

Don't you find the house
empty without him?

He doesn't exactly
fill it when he's in it.

But they do, just by being there.

Travis can go a whole day without
saying a word, but it's a silence
that feels like he's shouting.

Have you never thought
of throwing Travis out?

I can recommend it.

You get all those little jobs done
that you've been meaning to.

Travis is so helpless.

If I threw him out
I'd have to give him directions.

You have to be hard.

You warm his pyjamas,
how hard is that?

You have to be hard
and warm his pyjamas.

Do you think he's had enough?

No.

Is this beautiful, or what?

It is, it's beautiful.

Because things are local,
people take them for granted.

People come for miles.

Does good fishcakes, too.
It was good of you to fetch them.

That's my team. That's what we do.

I'm going to feel guilty now.

I daren't face Glenda.

We have the answer for that, too.

You'll join us for a drink later,
you'll soon be up to facing Glenda.

I'm not sure...
That's settled, then.

Alvin,
make sure we don't leave any litter.

It sounds like
Entwistle's eating his.

Only greasy bits.

How's the campaign going? Nowhere.

I could have told you.

One placard, not even in colour,
no images. It's not enough.

You need more oomph.
You need more impact, more punch.

Attract people's sympathy.

How do I do that? Leave it with me.

I think he has a plan.

It's funny you should say that.

That's two plans. Don't forget,
we're taking Barry for a drink.

Remain calm. I can handle two plans.

I have an operational brain.

Needs operation.

Sympathy, that's the key.

Sympathy.

You're not intending
to bite that in the car?

It seemed a better idea than
going to Huddersfield to do it.

What about all the
collateral damage?

From an apple? If you had a close-up
fast film of you biting that apple,

you'd see a fine spray of
juice spurting in all directions.

Give over! It's like a fine mist.

It's like a blood spatter, isn't it?

When some chuff gets whacked on
the head and there's blood
everywhere on the walls and ceiling.

I'm really glad you brought
that up when I'm eating.

It sprays for yards.

They measure it.

Who measures it? The police.

You could be measuring it if
we get on the right crime scene.

Blood everywhere,
little bits of gristle.

If you don't want that apple,
I could...

You've got to give him
points for trying.

He's been outside all morning
waving a homeless poster.

Aren't you worried
where he's sleeping?

He's roughing it on hand embroidered
pillows in Hobbo's guest bedroom.

I thought he was camping out.

That's what we're supposed to think.

Still, you must miss him.

Don't quote me because I'll deny it,
but in a strange sort of way I do.

It's maddening.

We remember the
queerest things about them.

I can still see my
Wilf's big toe nail.

I can't remember the foot,
just the nail.

I would say my
Barry has executive toenails.

You could take them anywhere.
Not in my cafe, thank you.

I don't think I've
ever seen Travis' feet.

You must have. I don't know why.

Where is it compulsory?

You sleep with him.

The right way up.

I've no clear recollection of
what he's like at the other end.

I can picture every inch of my Barry.

It's a good
job your mother's not here!

Bless her.

Her idea of naked
was my father taking his cap off.

It's no good, I can't.

What? Remember Travis's feet.

Have you never been to the seaside?

Never seen Travis paddling?

It's not a sight
that draws the eyes.

He was never going to be any
competition for the lighthouse.

You'd think men could
never be attractive.

I must say I find my Wilf more
attractive since he's been dead.

I think that's awful.

These are the men in your lives.

What about affection?

Well, you don't think we
kept them all those years
because they were useful?

Not that big as ornaments either.

You know what's up with you lot?

You daren't show your feelings.

Eat your cake, love.

MYSTERIOUS TONE

Now what?

Here as promised, Barry.

I see you've come inconspicuously.

Just another poor soul
in need of refreshment.

Why doesn't he take the chain off?

He's lost the key.

Don't worry about it. Electric
Ent will soon have him free.

Have to take wheel off,
or maybe leg off.

Take him, get him in a better mood.

And don't bring him back late.

And no more fish and chips!

How did she know about
the fish and chips? They just know.

CLANGING

Be careful!

Oh, shut up, you big girl's blouse.

You want free, don't you?

In one piece.

You'll thank us afterwards.

Ow!

That didn't sound like thanks.

He wants to look where he's banging.

He's better with his eyes shut.
Can't bear human suffering.

Don't mind a certain amount.

Get him off!

Listen, you'll be free in a minute,
then it's off to the pub and
all your troubles are over.

You promised you'd get me home.

Have I ever let you down?

Yes.

Don't believe this outburst, Barry.

You're in good hands. A pity
they're not attached to a brain.

Are you sure you've got
this evening well planned?

I planned the invasion
of Albania, didn't I?

Who invaded Albania?

Nobody yet. But when they're ready,
I've got the plan.

I'm going to be covered in bruises.

You're alone in the world.
Who's going to see?

Oh, stop cheering him up.

I'll have to change these trousers.

We're wasting drinking time.

I can't go wearing a wheel!

Who's going to notice?
Your feet will be under the table.

I hate wearing a wheel!

Can we get on our way, please?

You're stuck with it for now.

We'll work it loose later.

Why has he only got one wheel?

Got the other one nicked when
we left him in a car park.

I shan't have to be late.

You keep saying that.

You heard the instructions
and they came from She Who Knows

When You've Been Secretly Meeting
Two Fish and One Portion of Chips.

I thought you had mushy peas.

I bet she's clocked that as well!

How do they know?

Learn at mother's knee.

I never had a mother.
Not even a knee?

I suppose it goes a long way
to explaining why I've become
this solitary, warrior figure.

You said you'd get me home!

Is this a problem?

You've got a key to your
own house, haven't you?

Right, then. Tonight
we go for the direct approach.

You have a drink or two,
get brave, go home, use the key,
slam the door behind you... Bingo!

I'm going to need more than this!

It's on it's way. By gad, I do
enjoy spreading a little happiness.

Ask anyone. They'll tell you.

It's dark.

That was yesterday.

Only yesterday?

That's good. I mustn't be late.

Too late.

Well, I enjoyed that.
I feel better than I've felt for...

Where's the key?

Where's the key?

I've often wondered.

Life's such a mystery.

You've got the key.

To life? That's wonderful!

His key.

How many keys is that?!

SHH!

Will Pearl let him in?

She'll have no choice.

The plan is we throw him in.

Can we amend plan
to insert him in gently?

Who said that? It was Howard.

How long has he been with us?.

Seems like forever.
I thought I knew the voice.

You remember me?

Since you dropped me in High Street.

Once. You drop a person once
and they never let you forget.

There you go, Howard.

Happy homecoming.
Don't! I'll get all weepy.

Me too. We invented weepy.

I think it's great to be part
of bringing two people
together again.

We should drink more often. We will.

Starting Monday. I'm away Monday.

OH!

Well...

we tried.

Job done!

Bad mood?

Terrible.

You should have told her
how attractive she looks.

It's no good,

she knows when he's lying.