01x02 - Unemployment Crisis

[bunniefuu]

It's morning again
in New Utopia.

The sun is shining.

The goats are screaming.

Um, and I'm still here

despite the fact
that last night,

I witnessed beloved
character actor Alan Tudyk

get ritualistically
m*rder*d by my dad's cult

that I just inherited.

All: Fresh blood!

Fresh...

Sure, yesterday was a lot.

And yeah, part of
me is terrified

I made a huge mistake in
agreeing to be their leader.

But I can change this place.

I just need to stay positive

and try not to get
too freaked out.

Petey, good morning.

Who the [bleep] are you?

Me? Oh, I'm a human Shih Tzu.

For years, your
father trusted me

to warm his bed in the
early morning hours,

sort of like a regular Shih Tzu,

only I'm a person.

My dad made you lay on his feet?

Your dad let me lie on his feet.

You lay an object.

You lie on a man's feet
to get into heaven.

Oh, boy, it feels
good to be back.

There's your limb stretcher,
your pleasant bird sound maker,

your Metamucil holder, and
your correspondence reader.

Text from ex-fiancé Brian
reads, "Where are you?"

Text from Mom reads,
"What have you done?"

Text from BFF Ella reads,
"Hey, bread factory!

"You forgot your
yeast infection meds

"and prescription underpants.

"Drop a pin, b*tch.

"Sorry for stealing your fiancé

and for the way I've
said all this..."

That's enough, thank you.

Can you please walk me now?

OK, Petey, see something normal.

Oh, there you are,
Miss Sleepy Buns.

We've been waiting for you.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

You all don't have to do that.

Thank you.

No pageantry?

Oh, I just mean,

I'm new to this whole
"being a leader" thing,

so if it's cool with everybody,

I'd rather skip the
hoopla and get to work.

Work?

Right, what does
my job look like?

Job?

Yes, what did my
dad do every day?

We love you, Petey!

Whoo, Petey!

- The Great Daughter!
- Oh, my God!

You're fantastic!

He started every
morning like this?

We always had a daily
parade to celebrate the fact

that our leader woke up.

Look how happy everyone is
now that they have someone

to mindlessly follow again.

Oh, there's my new friend Eliza.

Hey, Petey!

Just throwing out this old rug!

Eliza, for a second
I thought you

were throwing out a dead bod...

And there it is.

So my goal here is
to work with you guys

to de-weirdify things.

So far everything is weird,
and I'm getting overwhelmed.

So is there anything
normal you can show me?

This is the Speechblasters
Training Center

for Public Speaking.

In your speech, I
counted six "ums."

Good progress.

Great, this looks normal.

But six is more than
zero. You know the rule.

Get out the Punishment Cap!

All: Punished,
punished, punished.

I deserve this. Thank you.

You made a mistake.

My crush.

OK, say something hot and smart.

Say something hot and smart.

Hey denim a*s, fancy
seeing your a*s and butt.

Oh, bad.

Wow-wee.

Look who brought back
the weird cult parade.

Excuse me, I did not
tell them to do this.

They just did it.

Nice crown.

Oh, ugh.

I'm un-culting the
cult from the inside.

You'll see.

As leader, I'll make
New Utopia normal.

I'm on my way to
my dad's office.

He didn't have an office.

That's right.

He had a Sex Hut.
- What?

Strength.

Inner strength.

This is where your father
did all his best thinking,

surrounded by his
favorite things...

Big leather couches
with cupholders

and a private bathroom
with a loud fan.

Well, I guess none
of this is as weird

as it could have been.

And of course, here are his bevy

of gorgeous, pure-hearted wives.

His what's up?

Greetings, Cosmic Lover.

I'm Wife Beth, and
I bear sausage.

I'm Wife Joslyn, and I bear
applewood smoked bacon.

I'm Wife Wendy, and I bear...

Stop! Mae Mae,
what's happening?

Hash browns.

Your father liked
to start his workday

with a heavy breakfast
and a light orgy.

- Oh.
- We should clarify.

Your father used the
term orgy very loosely.

We mostly just helped
him with the TV remote

and listened to him describe
movies he'd seen on airplanes.

Well, I don't want any of that.

You don't want us?

No, it's not you.

I'm just not a breakfast person,

or an orgy person,

or a parade person, really.

The only thing I
need to start my day

is an oat milk latte at my desk.

Is that OK?

We can do that.

Emmett!

Petey would like
an oat milk latte.

Yes, right, oat milk.

An oat milk latte with a
milk that is made from oat.

Yes.

Super! Now all you
need is a desk.

Desk, the leader requires you.

Write upon us.

We serve the leader.

OK, stop. Everybody
stop everything.

Let me make something clear.

This is not my
dad's cult anymore.

It's my cult.

And it's not a cult,
and it's not mine,

and it's everybody's.

What?

I hereby declare that all
the weird demeaning jobs

my dad forced you to
do no longer exist.

You're free.

I have a vision for New
Utopia, and it is bright!

What is it?

Oh, that's a great question.

Um...

I'll deliver big speech
tonight in the town square,

unveiling my vision.

7:30 p. m. sharp!

Be there or don't.

You can do whatever
you want now.

Oh, wow, I am leading.

I'm a leader.

Did she just fire all of us?

Yes, Desk.

Yes, she did.

The Daily Briefing of the
High Elders will now commence.

First of all, let
us congratulate

Elder Belshazzar
on his new haircut.

Second, this morning,

the Leader laid off
our entire work force.

This is a disaster!

You said, once the girl
assumed leadership,

she would usher in
an era of prosperity!

No one clapped for me
when I got a haircut.

Elders, please.

Do you want to go back
to the way things were

during the Leaderless Times?

No leader to serve.

Maybe I'll visit my kids.

The Great Daughter!

She's arrived!

Never mind.

Now, I have full faith
that Petey's big speech

will provide divine clarity
about our town's future.

Till then, we all
must remain calm.

The Leader has forsaken us!

Our existence is useless!

OK, title of the speech.

"A New New Utopia,"

and underline the first "new."

Wait, did you think I
was writing that down?

I'm working.

You're so funny, bestie.

Listen, in my
previous work life,

I self-sabotaged by
getting hyper-focused

on tiny things to
avoid a big thing.

So can you maybe call me
out if I start doing that?

Like, maybe we can have a
code word, like "beep boop"?

Yeah, I'm less of a
"get involved" person

and more of a "go with the flow

and talk sh*t in
the back" person.

Oh, that's actually perfect.

It'll be like a bestie
brainstorm sesh.

Does bestie mean something
different in New York?

Like, is that a regional thing?

You're literally the funniest.

So what's the first thing
you'd fix about New Utopia?

Oh, maybe make our movie theater

un-censor all the
films about gutsy women

challenging the status quo.

Coming this fall,
"Erin Brockovich,"

the story of a secretary
who stayed a secretary.

Anyway, that's just
a small thought,

not like the complex,
big-picture stuff

you'll share with us in
your keynote speech tonight.

What do you think
you'll open with?

Like, economic
overhaul or unpacking

our traditional concepts
of gender roles?

That's good.
- Hmm, I love that question.

Semi-related, want to see
the standing desk I ordered?

Um, "beep boop."

Uh, what?

Oh, no, no, no. That
wasn't a "beep boop."

A desk is where
the work happens.

Standing desk delivery.

Where do you want it?

Wait, so you're also the
package delivery guy here?

Unlike you, I enjoy
serving my community.

Oh, didn't you hear?

I already served
my community today

by freeing everyone from
their horrible jobs.

Speaking of which,
where's my oat milk latte?

Why won't you milk?

You can't just
paint over a cow pie

and say mission accomplished.

Ugh, first you want me to leave,

then you want me to
fix things around here.

Is negging me your whole deal?

Yes, it is.

And I'm gonna keep negging
you till you leave.

Bandit, chill.

She needs to focus
on her speech,

and your pecs are fully out.

That's right, so you
can take your attitude,

your pecs, and my standing desk
to the new Leadership Center.

- Where?
- Where the Sex Hut used to be.

You kicked out the wives?

No, I liberated them.

Now they're my gal pals.

Hey, girly.

We picked up all the new
office decor you asked for.

Yas, b*tch!

Amaze!

Let's go redecorate.

Beep boop, beep boop, beep boop.

You're silly. Come on, ladies.

Slay, slay, slay!

Wendy, do less.

Silence.

I know everyone feels lost,

but Petey will share her
infinite wisdom tonight.

What if her vision
for the future

is that she doesn't need any
of us for anything ever again?

That's impossible.

But she fired
everyone, even you.

The Leader needs me.
She needs all of us.

We just need to prove it to her.

What can Petey not live without?

Elders, launch an investigation

into Petey's likes and dislikes.

OK, speech writing time.

I just need to get my
desk at the right height.

Nope.

No.

No. Oh, almost.

This better be important.

Uh, hey, yeah, how's
your speech coming along?

Because I got a
bar full of elders

who have a lot of questions.

Ooh, business is booming.

Girlboss!

They're not buying anything.

They're harassing me for
info about what you like,

which they think I
know for some reason.

Oh, probably 'cause
I posted a pic

with you with the caption,

"This goddess is my best friend,

and she knows
everything about me."

- Petey!
- What?

I only 'Gram what I love.

She 'Grams what she loves!

Barkeep, give us
your pocket phone.

- Get away from me.
- Gotta go.

Mwah.
- Petey!

You know, for someone who hates

so-called cult leaders so
much, you sure do pop up a lot.

I was doing my animal
rescue volunteer rounds.

Found this fellow warming
the feet of a trash can.

- It's the only thing I know.
- Oh.

Before you showed up,
he was about to enroll

in culinary school.

Now look what you did to him.

What I did? I freed him.

I could be more cuddly.

I can be very cuddly,

as cuddly as you
like, I promise.

I see you're very busy
working on a blank Word doc.

Why don't you quit
while you're behind?

I am not just gonna run
away from my problems.

I'm going to do a
shopping montage.

- What?
- Let's go, girls.

Want me to sit on your feet?

Yeah, OK.

One at a time!

We have examined Petey's socials

and discovered what she enjoys.

All will be repurposed
to suit her likes.

They include nail art,

little gem lettuces,

top 40 hits from
the early 2000s.

Excuse me.

Is that a little gem lettuce
restaurant you're opening?

Yes.

Are you doing this
because of me?

Yes.

So my decision to free you

allowed you to
pursue your passions?

Yes.

Oh, good things are
already manifesting.

Now, if only someone's dream
was to open a nail art salon.

Come, please.

Please, please.

No!

We now need fewer
nail art stores

and more purveyors of
pants that don't make

Petey's butt look weird.

Dun-dun-dun-da!

I kind of want a
big soft pretzel.

The leader kind of
wants a pretzel.

Pretzels!

Big, soft, warm...

Pretzels!

Even bigger, softer
pretzels, the softest ever,

according to "Bon Appetit"!

Oats, oats!

Society has fallen apart!

Every person for himself!

And that moves there.
And that's over there.

And then that is over there.

And then... nope, over there.

It's so funny, I spent
all day procrastinating

and doubting myself
over this silly speech,

but after connecting
with the people downtown,

I had an epiphany.

I already did fix New Utopia.

No speech needed.

What was that?

- Help!
- There's no meaning!

Someone tell me what to do!

Beep boop.

Despair is the only way out!

I'm losing my mind!

Remain calm!

Insubordination will be
met with this T-shirt g*n!

Ahh!

I can fix this.
I can fix this.

Bring me my standing desk.

Leave me.

Wow, who could have
predicted this?

Oh, wait, I did.

- Petey, go do the speech.
- I don't have a speech.

Why did I believe I
could seamlessly go

from corporate wallflower
to full-on pope in 48 hours?

Maybe I'm just not cut
out to be a leader.

You're not.

You're bad at this.

Come on, let's get
you back to New York.

What other choice do I have?

Unless...

I don't know... Someone
wants to stop me?

Like my bestie?

Petey, you want to abandon us
the minute things get hard,

just like Erin
Brockovich did at the end

of that 20-minute
movie that I saw.

That's right, I checked.

You didn't even get a
full Erin Brockovich.

It was the one thing I asked.

Beep [bleep] boop.

Wow, you're right, Eliza.

That is just the
pep talk I needed.

- What?
- Yeah, not a pep talk.

Please welcome the bringer
of clarity and wisdom,

the Leader.

Hey!

All right.

Um...

I heard New Utopians
like to party,

but I didn't think you'd
would go this hard.

So speech might have
been the wrong word.

I wanted you all to
do what you wanted,

and somehow, that
resulted in a lot

of you losing your minds.

TLDR, I messed up.

It happens.

I don't have all the answers.

But the leader must
be all knowing!

Our ideology is flawed!

Life is a chaotic void!

Or maybe she's not
a leader at all!

Just a self-obsessed city girl
working out her daddy issues!

No, no, no, no, no.

I just... I didn't
know what I was doing

when I became your leader!

I'm on a confidence journey
because I'm insecure.

I'm still learning.

Everyone, stop!

Great leader, I am
a human Shih Tzu.

My father before me
was a human Shih Tzu.

His father before him

was a brain surgeon,

but if he'd known

about human Shih Tzus,

he would have been one.

My service to you
isn't just a job.

No, no, no, no, no,
it's my passion,

the greatest gift I have
to share with the world.

Aw.

And it earns me a seat

on the rocket to space paradise.

Ignoring that.

After I'm gone,

people will forget what I said,

they will forget what I did,

but they will never forget
how warm I made their feet.

Wow, that was so
beautifully put.

He's right, Petey.

You don't respect our
line of work either.

We wives took
pride in the skills

we honed for your father.

I got so good at
listening to him describe

the series-long arc of "Monk."

And he never forced me to carry
around shopping bags all day.

I didn't pay for six
years of wife grad school

to suddenly be
told I'm a gal pal.

Wow, OK.

Yet another surprisingly
impactful speech.

I believe it was the
poet Virgil who said,

"Let's wrap this up."

Petey, we understand the
weight that's been placed

on your shoulders as our leader.

And that's why the
services we provide

are so meaningful to us.

They express our
gratitude, our dedication,

and our love for you.

We only wish you valued us
as much as we value you.

Can't you understand that?

Um, yes.

Yes, I can.

How is everybody here
so good at speeches?

All: Speechblasters!

Oh, right.

Listen, I do want to
change this place.

But in shying away from how
insane things are around here,

I didn't take into
account how much

you guys love worshiping me.

And I see now that I was wrong.

I learned my lesson.

So I guess to fix
the problem I made,

why don't we say temporarily...

Ow!

OK, everyone can keep
serving me as their job,

and I'll stop
trying to stop you,

effective immediately.

I did it!

I finally did it.

An oat milk latte for
the Great Daughter!

Oh, thanks, Emmett,
but it's 8:00 p. m.

What? You don't want it?

You know, the Oxford
Dictionary defines "milk"

as a white liquid produced by...

Ugh, jeez!

No more speeches!

Fine!

Mm.

Crowd: Hooray!

Huzzah!

Petey!

Crowd: Petey, Petey, Petey!

I knew I would get it.

Oh, wow.

Back to humiliate me some more?

No, I still think you're
a plague upon this town,

but I respect a gal
who owns her mistakes.

Never seen a cult
leader do that before.

I can do a lot of
things you've never

seen a cult leader do before.

Oh, I bet you can.

But I did count five "ums"
in your speech today.

I really think you could
benefit from Speechblasters.

Human Shih Tzu, see
you in the morning.

I'll see you in the morning.

Ha-ha! She'll see
me in the morning.

We're closed.

OK, I know I screwed up today,

not just with the
town, but with you.

Yeah.

I may be in a cult,
but I don't like

following your every whim.

Real besties are equals.

I hear you, which
is why I thought

we could do something
I know you like.

Why don't I tell you
the parts you missed

in "Erin Brockovich."

Really?

I'm listening.

So there's something in
the water making kids sick.

Mm-hmm.

And who takes it upon herself

to strut around town
and make things better

for everyone, but
Erin Brockovich.

Yes, I knew it.

- That's right.
- Oh.

The curly haired babe
with a smart mouth

and a coughing baby.

Are you tired of
not being excellent?

Would you like to unlock the
full power of the human mind?

Have I got a solution for you...

Speechblasters!

For over 30-something years,

Speechblasters has helped
folks just like you

conquer the art of speeches,

toasts, and general talkery.

Just ask these several people.

Before Speechblasters,
I was anxious, broke

and on the run from
a dangerous relative.

But now, I don't
say "um" anymore.

These days, when
I call my family

to insist they stop
looking for me,

I sound more confident.

Thanks, Speechblasters.

My mom signed us
up for a workshop.

But when we got here,
they took our shoes,

then gave us lentils,
then a guy came out,

and he started
talking about a comet,

and now I'm engaged.

It's been a weird few years.