01x03 - The Travis Bugg Affair

[bunniefuu]

Yeah, yeah, yeah

I'm a boss now… ♪

We're ready for you, Ms. Gordon.

In the last week,

my life has certainly changed.

I was nearly overthrown

by these two brothers.

Still can't believe I forgave them.

And if that wasn't enough,

I find out I have another brother.

This little guy. Yep.

God knows what his deal is gonna be.

-Can I get you anything else?

-I'm okay, thank you.

And as my dad once said,

when you show your a*s in public,

go on TV and talk about it.

We are here with the Gordon family

and their newest addition, Jackie Moreno.

Thanks to everybody

for taking time to talk today.

Let's start with you, Isla.

What were your thoughts when you

first heard that your father, Jack Gordon,

had a secret love child

with the housekeeper?

Definitely shocked.

Honestly, Rich, it was devastating.

But then, very happy.

Okay, a lot of people in your position,

you would think

would just pay him to disappear.

-No, that didn't work for us.

-We're against it because we love Jackie.

Isla's right.

We love our nuevo hermano mucho, mucho.

I'm using Duolingo.

And Sandy, you're no longer

the youngest brother.

Yes, and that's fine. That is fine.

I'm the CFO.

I don't need to be the cute little baby.

Now, Isla, this couldn't be coming

at a worse time.

Your brother Cam's indiscretions

have landed him in rehab.

You've inherited a team

that's off to its worst start in a decade,

and I don't know if you're aware,

but Las Vegas has set the odds

of an Isla Gordon meltdown

at three to one.

Oh, okay. Uh…

You're right, Rich.

We are at a crossroads.

But as I see it, Jackie joining the family

couldn't have come at a better time.

You know, Rich, if I may,

when God puts one brother in rehab,

he brings you a new one from concessions.

So, Jackie, what is next for you?

I got to keep my job,

so I'll probably just do that.

Wait, so you find out you're part of one

of the wealthiest families in Los Angeles,

and you just go back to selling peanuts?

And popcorn.

He is not gonna be a vendor.

He's gonna be my intern.

An internship?

Not an intern. An assistant.

Executive assistant.

Senior Executive Assistant

to the President.

Oh, that is one long job title.

And that is some nepotism

I can get behind.

Congratulations, Jackie.

You see, this is nice.

Little b*stard son accepted into family.

In Slovenia, he live in shed.

Hold up.

Yo, what the f*ck is this? Sephora?

I mean, first she doesn't trade me,

next she makes us wear this girly sh*t

on our jerseys?

Marcus, are you cool with this?

Long as the check clears.

If I sell out,

I want to sell out on my terms.

I mean, what's she gonna make us do next?

Tape tampons to our heads?

You know what?

Get me a… a Sharpie.

What you gonna do?

Uh-oh!

Ooh!

Jackie, how's it going?

You ready for your first day at work?

Oh yeah, I woke up at 3 a.m. to make sure

I had plenty of time to get ready.

-I'm actually really tired.

-Yeah, don't be nervous. You'll do great.

-Look, you already found your desk.

-Yeah.

-Okay, see you later.

-Uh, wait.

Uh, is there anything I should know about,

like, being your assistant?

Actually, I've never had an assistant.

But I'm super low-maintenance.

Okay.

Whoa, mama.

That's nuts.

We've got to talk.

Hold on. Jackie, you can't just let people

barge into my office like this

because I could be doing

something very private.

Like looking at your blackheads?

Yes, exactly. Thank you.

You can go now. And book me a facial.

-We've got a problem.

-Look at this.

Hey, yo, shout-out our new sponsor.

But the only lipstick I'm interested in

is when it's rubbed off on my d*ck.

That little sh*t.

Ow! Ow!

What the hell?

It's, uh, Cam's drug shelf.

Someone should really

get rid of that.

- Jackie.

- Oh, are you okay?

Get Gloria Shaw on the phone.

She's the CMO of Sephora.

Oh, she's actually called twice.

What? Why didn't you put her through?

The first time,

I didn't know how to transfer the call,

so I accidentally hung up on her.

And just now,

you were talking to Ness and Sandy,

so I said we'd call her tomorrow

or something.

Jackie, Sephora pays the Waves

millions of dollars.

If Gloria Shaw wants to talk to me,

you drag me out of brain surgery, okay?

Of course. I'm so sorry.

Well, go get her on the phone right now.

Oh, one thing.

How do I get an outside line,

and how do I turn my computer on?

Okay, fine, I'll call her.

Gloria, you have every right to be upset.

I'm gonna take care of this right now.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,

whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hey, how's it going?

Great.

I just got ripped a new as*h*le

by a woman on the Forbes Under 40 list.

I take it Sephora saw the Travis video?

Yeah, and now I must k*ll him.

Whoa, whoa, that's your plan?

No, I'm going to scream at him

in front of everybody,

dehumanize him, and then

I will force him to make a public apology.

Okay, so I see you're running things

from the Jack Gordon playbook.

Hey, he won a lot of championships

screaming at people.

You know, when your father acted that way,

the players feared him.

If you do the same, they will hate you.

The world is a sexist place.

I know this already.

I'm just saying, I know these guys,

and I know how they act.

Oh, and you're telling me

to just smile and take it?

No, no, but we can't afford

any more missteps this season,

and there are other less volatile ways

to get the same result.

Fine.

Can you call Travis over here, please?

Yes, I can.

Travis.

Travis.

- Sub, sub.

- Sub. Somebody get in.

What's up?

Yeah, what's up with you, dawg?

Anyways, I feel like

we got off on the wrong foot.

So maybe we should

get to know each other better.

-For real?

-Yeah, for real.

How about dinner. You free tonight?

Uh, I was supposed to go to the stu

to cook up with Smokepurpp,

and then Bad Baby

was gonna come by to spit.

But, uh, yeah, I can do that.

Great, I'll be in touch.

I'll see you later.

Ooh!

Damn. You just ate it.

- f*ck.

- Are you all right?

Just too clean.

Smudge 'em up or something.

Good morning, Los Angeles Waves.

Isla Gordon's office.

This is Jackie Moreno speaking.

How may I assist you today?

Uh, that is way too long.

-Just say "Isla Gordon's office."

-Got it.

I need a dinner reservation

for me and Travis tonight. Somewhere nice.

I'm on it.

Buca di Beppo, Universal CityWalk.

What? No, I don't wanna look

at Optimus Prime at my business dinner.

Someplace nice, like in Beverly Hills.

Okay, no Optimus Prime.

What about Bumblebee?

Nice.

New Highlights for the office.

Always good to get a look at it

before it gets covered in strep.

Oh God! Ow!

-sh*t! sh*t, sh*t, sh*t.

-You okay? What's going on?

-It's stuck. It's stuck.

-Okay. All right.

-Wait, wait, hold on.

-You've gotta calm down. I'm a doctor.

Well, you're not a surgeon.

-Well, do you want me to help you?

-Just open the…

-I can't. I'm scared.

-Take your finger out. Open it.

-There you go.

-Are my lashes gone?

-Are they gone?

-All of them.

You seem so stressed out.

What is going on?

I've got my first dinner with a player.

And it's Travis,

and he's the most annoying one.

So, yeah, I'm a little scared

I'm gonna stab him with a fork.

All right, well, let's talk it out.

What would your dad do?

He'd order two giant steaks, do some coke,

get a couple hookers, and then go

have sex with them or something.

All right, well, that's not you,

except for maybe the hookers.

Sorry, sex workers.

Look, you have nothing to worry about.

You are so good socially.

You talked to my cousin last week

for 45 minutes about her Etsy store.

And she sucks.

-She sucks. She sucks.

-Yeah, she does.

Yeah, it's nothing but yarn.

Look, be yourself, and most importantly…

-No spaghetti.

-No, or any long noodle.

-You just-- You don't eat pasta pretty.

-Yeah.

Yo, yo.

Hi, you're late.

Yeah, my bad. I left late.

Is it cool if I vape?

Not really.

Good evening, I'm the sommelier.

Do we have any questions?

Oh, yo, I'm actually going there

next summer.

Going where?

Somalia.

Yeah, I'm going on tour

with Kodak Black and sn*per g*ng.

-We're going around the Horn of Africa.

-It-- It's sommelier.

He-- He's a-- Never mind.

The fastest bottle of red wine

you have, please.

They have white people in Somalia?

I tell these hoes I like ya

But I don't need ya ♪

Got to be out by six, I can't feed ya ♪

Then the gospel singers are like…

"He can't feed ya, he can't feed ya" ♪

It pulls out, and I'm wearing all white,

but with a chef's hat--

Stop, please.

It's a good rap, but you must stop.

-All right.

-Listen…

I wanted to have dinner tonight because

I think you're so important to this team.

Not because you're a great player,

it's because I believe you have

the potential to be a great leader.

Oh, um…

Well, Cam definitely

never took me to a nice dinner,

but him and Marcus

got their own table at Mastro's.

Who's Marcus?

Look, Travis, you're an integral part

of this organization,

and when you disrespect

one of our partnerships,

that affects all of us.

So I'm gonna need you

to issue a public apology.

f*ck it.

Okay, is that like a good "f*ck it"?

Yeah, I'll apologize.

Oh.

Thank you.

I'm so happy. Thank you, Travis.

I can't even tell you,

like, the stress that I've been--

Oh sh*t.

- You all right?

- Oh.

What the f*ck?!

I'm sorry, I-- I didn't, um--

Sorry.

-What the f*ck?

-Sorry.

Jackie, what was that restaurant?

I knew you'd like it.

I did a Google search

for fancy restaurants

plus Los Angeles

plus intimate conversations.

Yeah, yeah, it got real intimate

when he shoved his tongue down my throat.

Oh my God, I'm sorry. Do you want me

to leave a bad review on Yelp?

No, I don't want you

to leave a Yelp review, Jackie.

I want you to do something right.

Morning, f*ck-up.

Hello, Mrs. Lee.

Whoa, whoa. I'm-- I'm sorry.

Wait, wait, wait, did she fire you?

No, but I'm quitting. I suck at this job.

Isla gave me this amazing opportunity,

and I'm blowing it.

- You're not quitting.

- I am.

Before I bring down

the entire organization.

Okay, first of all,

you're not that important.

Secondly, when I started here,

I sucked like you,

and I was Jack Gordon's assistant.

He threw so many ashtrays at me,

I still smell like Chesterfields.

But I don't know what I'm doing.

I have to go before

I disappoint Isla again.

-All right, g*dd*mn it, I'll help you.

-Really?

-Yes.

-Oh, thank you, truly.

Can you show me

how to turn on my computer?

I'll do more than that. I'll show you

how to deal with rich people.

Ah, here she comes.

I think I'm gonna throw up.

No, you're not. Okay, first up, breakfast.

Red Bull, strawberry Pop-Tart,

no frosting, go.

Uh…

-Hi.

-Hi.

Is he afraid of me?

We're working on it.

Okay, look, I need to know.

As a horny 35-year-old mom

who's been married for 12 years,

was there any part of Travis kissing you

that was hot?

No, he tasted like mango vape juice,

and I could still feel the hole from where

his tongue stud used to be. Ew!

Well, the good news is I wrote Travis

an apology, and it is stunning.

I kept it simple. The sponsor

will love us again, crisis averted.

Thank you. And I'll never

talk to another player ever again.

I just hope no one saw us.

-Did you hook up with Travis Bugg?

-What? Why are you saying that?

-'Cause it's all over Twitter.

-You mean X.

-I'm not calling it X. It's Twitter.

-Just read her the X you showed me.

I will show her the tweet.

"I was at Verdel last night

and Saw Isla Gordon

hooking up with Travis Bugg."

Shocked face, drool face, water spouting?

-That's ej*cul*te.

-c*m.

Travis

got the wrong idea and kissed me.

Nothing el--

-Oh my God, there's 500 retweets?

-Re-Xs.

How do we deal with it?

What do we do here?

Okay, listen.

No one knows this except for Sandy.

But in addition

to my official Twitter account,

I have a burner account.

Dirtyboywave69.

-Wait, why? You're not famous.

-Yeah, but I'm not not famous, you know?

I can get 40 bucks for a B-day message

on Cameo, some of which goes to charity.

Get to the point, Ness.

Point is, I use it to plant stories

and call bullshit

on stuff that I can't as a GM.

It has been helpful

in some contract negotiations.

Thank you. So I reply to the tweet,

call it bullshit, and viola, it goes away.

-Voilà.

-I don't know. Sounds sneaky and… lame?

Yeah, no. Travis just needs

to apologize to Sephora,

and we move on. Ignore the noise.

Yeah, so, uh, yesterday I posted

a very hurtful and inappropriate picture

of the venerated Waves jersey…

Travis,

were you and Isla Gordon

at a romantic dinner last night?

Uh…

I don't know what you're talking about.

A witness posted online

that they saw you two kissing.

Look, I'm just finna focus on this--

So, you're not refuting it?

- I'm not what?

- You're not refuting it.

Oh no, he does not know what refute means.

Refuting it? No, I'm not refuting it.

I'm not refuting it

in the strongest manner possible.

Oh my God, we've got to stop him.

Ow!

f*cking drug shelf!

Is she a beautiful woman? Yes.

Would I hit?

I refute to say I would indeed.

- There he is. What a guy!

- Isn't she engaged?

- That's it. Getting ready for Phoenix.

- Is it serious?

No, nothing serious. All fun, basketball.

Best game in the world.

What the hell was that?

I mean, yo, they surprised me.

Travis, go back out there and tell them

nothing happened between you and Isla.

Well…

something happened.

I've tried it your way. Sorry, Jay.

I would rather lick a dead possum

than kiss your clown a*s.

Now, you are going to go back out there

and tell them the truth,

or you'll be suspended.

What?

You're the one who invited me

to that restaurant, Verdel.

Wait, Verdel downtown? Me and my ex

used to go there for our anniversary.

Okay, it was all a mistake.

Jackie made the reservation.

Then you said all this nice sh*t to me,

you put your hand on mine,

your t*tties was out.

What? Okay, I…

It was a button-down blouse.

I have worn that to funerals.

-Oh, I've seen that one.

-How many-- How many buttons were undone?

I don't know, two?

This was not my fault.

Are you going to go out there

and fix this?

No.

One-week suspension. Get out.

Get out.

I have a very important phone call

to make, so no one follow me.

m*therf*cker, g*dd*mn piece of sh*t!

You stupid,

ungrateful, useless moron!

I'm gonna k*ll you, you son of a b*tch!

We need to get her office soundproofed.

Look into that.

Which is a perfect segue

to our first lesson.

Don't just anticipate what she needs,

but also what she doesn't know she needs.

Like what?

Like when Isla tells you

she's starting a cleanse,

you hand her a cheeseburger by 2 p.m.

because she will be starving.

Cheeseburger, got it.

And don't eat Cheetos at your desk.

You're getting orange dust everywhere.

Isla is a blonde white woman.

She stains very easily.

I'm-- I'm sorry, okay. Uh, anything else?

Current event podcasts.

Listen to them every morning

and give her the CliffsNotes.

She thinks NATO

is a European basketball league.

Hmm.

Why aren't you writing this down?

Go back to Florida,

you piece of crap!

Let's see if we can

get this, uh, glass frosted too.

No one wants to see

your cheap-a*s tattoos.

Welcome to Copilot Arena,

home of your Los Angeles Waves.

I understand, Mitch, okay? I understand.

I know it's your right, but you're wrong.

Travis's agent says they're gonna appeal

the suspension of the league.

Great. The longer this drags on,

the worse it looks.

And this is cute.

It's now being called a lovers' quarrel.

What?

Who's saying that?

Oh, just a little company called ESPN.

If we don't nip this in the bud,

you just gotta commit to dating him.

I am engaged to Lev.

May I once again propose using

my burner account to shut this down?

No one is out there denying this.

No, no,

it's too ridiculous to even discuss.

If we deprive it of oxygen, it will die.

Yeah. Well, at least Cleveland's

the worst team in the league,

so we should beat 'em even without Travis.

And the Waves dropped another one tonight.

Notably absent from the game

was Travis Bugg,

suspended by the team after being spotted

canoodling with Isla Gordon.

On a personal note, I don't get to use

the word canoodling a lot,

so thanks to Travis and Isla for that.

It goes without saying

that this is complete bullshit, right?

Yeah, I… I know.

Wasn't great when my 10-year-old patient

called me Dr. Cuck, but…

I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

It's not fair.

No, look, it's… it's okay.

I guess I just didn't think this was gonna

be part of the job, but I'll be fine.

Thanks for understanding.

Oh.

Oh Jesus.

Oh, hold on, keep going. Keep going.

- Hey, what's up? It's not a good time.

- Are you talking to your sister?

It's okay, she doesn't care.

No, that's gross, Ness!

Oh God.

Come… come on.

I told you I have an emergency at work.

Isla, what do you want?

Use the burner.

Oh yeah.

Okay, I'm on it. Here we go.

My cousin is a waiter at Verdel

and literally served Isla Gordon

and Travis Bugg last night.

And literally nothing happened

between them but a normal dinner.

And literally, they left separately.

Think you're saying "literally" too much?

That's how my burner character talks.

I gotta go. I gotta finish with Bituin.

Oh, gross.

No way, Ness,

you missed your chance.

Oh, come on, please?

Thanks a lot, Isla.

Hi, this is the hottest restaurant in LA,

Mother Wolf. How can I help you?

Yes, I'd like to make a reservation

for two, please, at 7 p.m. tonight.

f*ck you, goodbye.

Wait, wait, it's for Isla Gordon,

President of the Waves.

Um, I'm a g*y guy from West Hollywood.

I don't care. Call back when it's a Hadid.

Damn it!

I hate that guy.

Look, not everyone

loves basketball, Jackie.

But everyone loves

great seats to basketball games.

And your superpower?

Unlimited access to them.

That's crazy.

Wait, why did Ness just post

that his cousin's a waiter at Verdel?

Maybe he meant to post it

from a different account.

Oh sh*t, he just deleted it.

And posted it on his burner account.

Jesus Christ, Ness.

He did it really fast.

Maybe no one will notice.

A fake burner account?

This is humiliating,

not just for Ness Gordon,

but for the entire family.

You got to wonder, did Isla Gordon

put her brother up to this?

How could you do this?

I was in the middle of having sex.

You spend most of your day on X.

How are you so bad at it?

It's called Twitter, and at least my plan

was better than your plan.

Which was nothing, as always.

This is so stupid. What is the plan?

-Here's a plan, don't kiss the players.

-You know I didn't do that.

- I don't. I feel like you did.

- Are you out of your mind?

Excuse me, Isla,

there is someone here to see you.

Can you give us a second, Jackie, please?

-Pretty sure you'll want to talk to them.

-Whoever it is can wait.

Hey.

We need to talk.

Yep.

Please, sit.

I would love to, but I can't.

My knees hurt too much.

-You know why?

-'Cause you went on a long hike?

I played the entire second half

last night.

I haven't done that in two years,

all because you suspended Travis.

Well, if Travis needs to miss

a game or two because he needs to grow up,

then that'll happen.

I'm 36 years old.

I can't be playing 40 minutes a night.

-So this is just about you?

-Hell yeah, it is. This is my team.

No, you're just

the best player on the team,

but you're so checked out, I'm surprised

you noticed a player missing.

-What am I supposed to do about it?

-This Marcus, nothing.

The old Marcus,

the one who won two titles with us,

he'd step up, maybe talk to his teammate

about respecting our sponsors.

I don't know. Sound crazy?

I get paid to play, that's it.

Well, if you want to play less,

then you have to lead.

If you want to play less,

you have to lead? Right.

Okay, final scenario.

Isla tells you

she ran into Gwyneth Paltrow

at the Brentwood Country Mart.

What do you do?

I'd call Marissa,

that's Gwyneth's personal.

Get the Goop office address,

not her home address

because Isla's not a stalker.

I send her a dozen white camellias

with a note that says,

"So great running into you.

Let's grab a lunch."

-Are you making the reservation?

-No, that would be thirsty.

But I do add her

to the Christmas card list.

That is correct.

Yes!

Nope. Never dab.

Ever.

Get ready for the second wave.

Do you see the bear?

sh**t it with the crossbow.

sh**t it with the crossbow.

Got him coming through the windows.

Zeus, face that way, I need a*mo.

Oh sh*t, it's Katsuya, f*ck. Keep playing.

Oh sh*t.

Sorry for the mess.

Uh, my cleaning lady quit.

Snakes were scaring her.

Man, will you just sit?

I didn't know you were big on, uh…

visiting teammates.

I'm not.

I haven't been to a teammate's house

since The Sopranos finale.

Cool, you want to,

uh, watch something or…?

No.

You need to get your sh*t together.

All that sh*t talking and social media,

that's not what we do.

All that matters is basketball.

That's easy for you to say.

-What's that supposed to mean?

-Man, you're headed to the Hall of Fame.

I've got no hops,

I'm not that fast, and my jumper is mid.

I mean, best case scenario,

I grow my brand and get

a Victoria's Secret model pregnant.

I mean, that's all I got.

No.

You also got good instincts.

On the court.

Off the court,

your instincts are dog sh*t.

When you're playing,

the whole team has energy,

and everybody gets easy buckets,

especially me.

Let me remind you, it's still about me.

Look, man,

you got a good career ahead of you,

and nothing's better

for your brand than winning.

Yeah.

Do not f*ck my sh*t up.

-Can't be playing that whole game anymore.

-Yeah, I got you.

And you need to Swiffer this place.

Sephora is a great company.

I was rude to call it Sephor-a*s.

At first, I thought their stuff

was mostly for women.

Then I remembered, my mom's a woman.

I only hope Sephora and the Waves

can forgive me for my…

transgression,

which means "f*ck up,"

and, uh, we can move on with

our harmonious corporate partnership.

Look, I also just wanna say I did not

have sex with Isla Gordon, okay?

Not even a little bit.

First of all, she's my boss, okay?

And for two, respectfully, uh…

…that sh*t's old.

If she was much older,

that'd be hot, like Helen Mirren.

Or younger, obviously.

But she's just kinda in that gray area

that just doesn't do it for me, all right?

Um, but with that being said,

I hope she finds love.

It's like watching Winston Churchill.

Now I see why you're so attracted to him.

Whoa. Why do you look so hot?

Well, don't sound so shocked.

Sorry, I just didn't realize I was engaged

to Jewish Chris Evans over here.

Could just say Chris Evans.

Uh, regardless,

I am taking you to Mother Wolf.

-How did you score that reservation?

-I didn't. Jackie did.

-What?

-The cocaine shelf is gone!

Jackie?

Did you do this?

Uh, I noticed

you kept injuring yourself on there,

so I came in early, and I got rid of it.

Thank you.

And thank you for the dinner reservation.

You know, maybe I'm a little more

high-maintenance than I thought.

Oh, no, no way.

Oh, also, I promised the hostess

floor seats when we're in the playoffs.

-What?

-Should I not have done that?

We'll deal with it later. Good job.

♪ Tell me what this world is coming to ♪

Tell me 'bout this change

♪ The world is going through ♪

Why can't we live as promised

♪ Like Jesus said to do? ♪

♪ Tell me what the world's coming to ♪

So many people

♪ Out here dying everywhere ♪

There's enough to go around

♪ But no one seems to care ♪

Outcrowded cities

♪ And the poison in the streams ♪

We've seen the world divided

♪ On our television screen ♪

♪ Tell me now what we're gonna do ♪

♪ Tell me what this world is coming to ♪

♪ Tell me what the world's coming to ♪

Tell me 'bout the change

♪ The world is going through ♪

Why can't we live as promised

♪ Like Jesus said to do? ♪

♪ Tell me what the world is coming to ♪

♪ Tell me what the world's coming to ♪

Tell me 'bout the change

♪ The world is going through ♪

Why can't we live as promised

♪ Like Jesus said to do? ♪