01x05 - Beshert

[bunniefuu]

I mean, man oh man,

you want to talk about blowing a layup.

How does LA lose out

on the most lucrative deal

in League history?

-You mean the Hoopli deal?

-Yes.

-And, I hate to say it, Isla Gordon…

-Mm-hmm.

…what are you thinking?

Boston just sneaks in there

and punches LA in the nards.

Jack Gordon

is spinning in his grave right now

because this team stinks.

Uh, he was cremated.

His ashes were scattered

in Hugh Hefner's grotto, you dumbass.

Uh, can you please not swear

in front of Law Roach?

I'm sorry, Law,

I'm just very upset.

No, it's okay.

I've dressed some really crazy b*tches.

Well, I'm very honored

to be one of them today.

You are gonna look so amazing

at your engagement party.

Thank you.

Will you tell Zendaya I'm a huge fan?

-She won't know who you are.

-Okay, drag her, Law.

Makes sense.

Thank you so much,

and will you put it in the car?

- Bye.

- I got you.

That's right, haters.

After seven long years,

your girl's engagement party

is this weekend.

It can't be all work all the time.

And while I am a proud Gordon,

this is one part of my life

where I'm determined not to be my dad.

It'll be okay, Mom.

I'm sure Dad didn't mean it.

- He'll come back.

- He's not coming back.

Please, go get Mommy her Skittles.

You mean your Ativan?

Pretty bleak sh*t, right?

Jack Gordon couldn't commit

to his marriages, but I will.

And I will only be married once.

Well, once more.

I was married

to Brian Austin Green, remember?

Nice guy.

And as hard as I'm working

to be the best owner,

I will work just as hard to be the best

wife to this perfect, perfect man.

Guess who finally beat Joanna?

Straight sets.

She has a twisted ankle,

but I still say it counts.

Ooh, what's that?

This is a little protein shake

to ring in our engagement party week.

-Oh my God.

-What? Is it bad?

Mm-mm.

This is good. It's just…

It's much chunkier than I was expecting.

Well, we didn't have spinach,

so I used broccoli.

Right on.

Mmm. That is an experience.

Let's talk schedule.

My parents get into LAX tomorrow.

I'll pick them up,

then I'll see you back here for dinner.

Perfect. I was thinking I'd order in

and pretend like I cooked.

They-- They love you. They're never gonna

believe that you made pot stickers.

And I love them.

But I am never learning how to cook.

You don't have to.

You are more than making up for it

by converting.

Converting. To what? Solar?

Seriously, though, the whole

becoming Jewish thing is a long process,

so we should probably

get the ball rolling sooner than later.

Did he say… Jewish?

One, two, three, four, five ♪

Once I step into the party

Then I'm getting it live ♪

Question.

Do you ever remember me saying

anything about becoming Jewish?

I have heard you say you prefer

circumcised penises for aesthetic reasons.

I never said that.

Yeah, you did.

Oh my God, I remember now.

A couple months ago,

Lev and I went to his cousin's wedding

in Punta Mita.

-I had, like, seven margaritas.

-Nice.

It was this big Jewish wedding

and beautiful rituals,

and I must've gotten carried away

and told Lev I'd convert.

No big deal. Just tell him

it was a miscommunication.

Like that time you forgot to pick him up

from LASIK surgery.

Well… I can just be Jewish

if Lev wants me to.

Isla, you can't be so casual about this.

I mean, religion is really important.

Yeah, it's important to Lev

and his family.

He does stuff for me all the time.

I once told him I hate Crocs.

I have never seen him wear them once.

Not even by the pool.

This isn't like the Blue Zones diet

you abandon driving past a Taco Bell.

Can't you just play pickleball

like normal white couples?

Yeah, we'll do that too.

Harper Collins presents

Seize the Day by the ba*ls,

a memoir written by Jack Gordon.

I'm your narrator, Gary St. Michel.

Hey, you got five minutes.

Uh, so, I-- I wanted this meeting because

I've been listening to our dad's memoir.

Super inspirational. Have you read it?

Not the whole thing. I, uh, stopped

when I saw my name was misspelled.

The narrator says your name right,

if that makes you feel better.

It doesn't, so get to it.

Okay, anyway, uh, a big part of the book

is asserting yourself.

I know you, Isla, and Ness

didn't start where you are now…

Nope, Isla and Ness had to fail as

human beings before they got their jobs.

I had to get an MBA.

Right.

My point is, you… you worked your way up,

and that's what I'm trying to do.

Uh…

When I was a vendor, I noticed

certain aspects of the fan experience.

One thing is,

our halftime shows have gone stale.

It's nothing but dance routines

and thick dads missing lay-ups.

We're the most storied franchise

in the league.

Our halftime shows

should match that standard, right?

Check this out. This is Red Panda.

She's a Chinese acrobat

who rides a ten-foot-tall unicycle,

and she flips bowls

from her feet onto her forehead.

I think we should hire her.

Ladies and gentlemen,

the Red Panda!

I gotta take this.

If you wanna work your way up,

why don't you just focus on being

the best assistant you can be, all right?

Shut the door on your way out. Thank you.

- Hello?

- Hey.

Guess who got two tickets

to see your favorite show live.

No.

Wait, Wait… Don't Tell Me!

How? I thought it was sold out.

-Yeah, it is, but I pulled some strings.

-Oh my God.

I'm freaking out. Like, we're gonna see

Peter Sagal in real life?

-When is it again?

-Uh, tomorrow night.

Damn it, damn it, damn it.

I, uh… Ooh, I have a… I have work thing.

No, God, no. Can you get out of it?

No, it's a, uh, finance board conference

on, um, luxury tax implications.

It… it's really boring stuff. Um…

Well, sh**t, that sucks.

I guess we'll just have to "wait, wait"

for some other time.

Yeah, I'm… I'm sorry. Uh…

I've gotta go, all right?

I, uh-- I love you.

Yeah, I, uh, love you too.

-Hey, you got a minute?

-Uh, yeah, come on in, Jackie.

Just taking care of the old turkey neck.

Better appreciate that tight young skin

while you've still got it.

-How you been? You good?

-Yeah.

Oh.

-Somebody being r*cist to you?

-No, no, nothing like that.

Okay, good. Because there's no room

in this organization for racism.

Well, at least not since my dad died.

Funny you mention our dad.

You know, he used to say, "In business,

there's no such thing as 'no.'"

"Only 'not yet.'"

Well, but just to be clear,

that's only in business, right?

Yeah. Are you familiar

with a performer named Red Panda?

-No.

-Aw, you're gonna love this.

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

Get over there!

Reed, move your feet.

Get back, come on.

I'm gonna be a little late

to your engagement party.

I've got to drop my girls off

at my ex's first.

Of course. Hey, can I ask you

a strangely personal question?

Yeah.

How did you know

you wanted to be a Buddhist?

Well, I, uh, got to a point in my life

where the only things I cared about

were money, sex, fame…

I'm sorry,

are those supposed to be bad things?

The first time I walked inside a vihara,

I knew my life was changed forever.

I immediately felt centered and resolute,

and in touch with the world around me.

I don't know what that is,

but it sounds so nice.

Best decision I ever made.

But it was tough.

All right? It took my family a long time

to come around to my decision.

But, you know, they saw it made me

a happier, more complete person.

Yeah, that's what it's about.

And I introduced 'em to Richard Gere.

My mom still emails with him.

How is she not

the most famous person in the world?

I haven't seen this level of showmanship

since I saw Adele in concert.

I cried so much she had to stop singing

to check on me.

What if we get Red Panda

for our halftime show?

She's in town for an opening of a CB2.

She's at The Grove right now.

What if we get her for tomorrow's game?

Yes, I'll have programming

reach out to her immediately.

Hey, do me a favor.

Tell the dancers they're getting bumped.

This is a great presentation, brother.

Bring it in.

-I love it. You're fully engaged.

-Yeah.

Ooh, that's… that's good.

That's tight. That's really tight.

- Okay! Don't ask about the flight.

- Hi.

Welcome to LA.

- Oh, it is so good to see you guys.

- Oh!

-You too.

-It smells amazing in here.

Well, I made Chinese food.

Don't look in the garbage.

How was the flight?

The flight.

This morning,

I took a tape measure to the airport

to make sure our bags

were well within the limits.

But still, they check our bags because

"no more overhead space."

There was space. Lots of it.

My price going up ♪

All the way up ♪

And my whole crew in the cut

My price going up ♪

All the way up ♪

And my whole crew in the cut

My price going up ♪

All the way up ♪

All the way up ♪

All the way up ♪

And my whole crew in the cut

My price going up ♪

I don't got no hands on the wheel ♪

I don't give a damn about how you feel ♪

Used to rock a fake chain

Now it's real ♪

Making too much to sign a deal ♪

Uh, I'm moving too fast ♪

I put too much on the gas ♪

I come first, I don't do last ♪

All I do is get the cash ♪

Ow! ♪

How's it going?

You-- You guys are incredible.

I loved all the moves and… spins.

-This is a closed rehearsal.

-Oh, this… this will be quick.

Uh, great news. We got Red Panda

for tomorrow's halftime show.

I know. Cool, right?

So, yeah,

y'all are off the hook for tomorrow.

Hold up. What is a Red Panda?

Oh, she's a performer. She's amazing.

N-- Not that you guys aren't.

You guys are all smoking…

Smokingly talented. All smoke.

Hey, so you're cutting us?

Who approved this?

Uh, Ness Gordon, the GM.

He's my brother now.

Well, uh, technically, it was my idea.

Mmm, so it was your idea?

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

Oh.

So, yeah. Uh, I, uh… I've got to go.

- Yeah. Okay.

- Good talk. Bye.

Hey, morning, Jackie.

Good morning.

Our brothers are in the conference room.

They wanted to surprise you

with breakfast. So nice, right?

What? They don't do anything nice.

-Hey.

-Hey, there she is.

- Hey.

- Cam, what's up?

Oh, just missing my baby sister.

I told my parole officer

he better let me squeeze in a visit.

Yeah, we got you one

of those little green coffees you like.

Matcha?

Mm-hmm.

What the f*ck is this?

Why are you guys being so weird?

Isla, you can tell us. Will Lev not

marry you if you don't convert?

-What?

-Look, we understand the pressure.

Yeah, you're no spring chicken.

I know he might be your last resort.

Ticktock…

Hey, don't point at my ovaries, okay?

-Lev's not making me do this.

-Okay, good.

Then you can get out of it.

Boom, we're done.

No, no, not "boom, done." I want this.

Wait, are you bothered

I'm becoming Jewish?

- Whoa.

- Whoa, easy.

I'm stoked about it. It's cool.

A little weird that a grown-a*s woman's

just up and changing her religion.

- Like, what are you, Cat Stevens?

- Yeah.

I'm sorry. I didn't realize you guys

were attached to our non-existent faith.

Well, to be honest, I mean, you know,

it does feel like you're abandoning us.

We'd get together around the holidays,

and I never did drugs on Christmas.

Think about what you'd be giving up.

Santa, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy.

-Nope. Tooth Fairy's not Christian.

-Yes, he is.

He's best friends with Santa.

That's how he gets around the houses.

-The sleigh…

-Nope, he has wings.

- Yes, he does. He has wings.

- He's not Christian.

-It's transactional.

-Shut up for a second! Hey.

-The Tooth Fairy's a chick.

-No.

Hey, you guys. Guys, look.

I'm kind of flattered that you care about

our dysfunctional family traditions,

but I've made up my mind.

None of us grew up seeing

what a healthy marriage looked like.

And I love Lev.

I want to make this marriage work,

so I'm converting.

Okay. Just wanted you to know how we felt.

Great. So are we done here?

Not quite. Sandy.

-What is that?

-That is the Gordon Family Trust.

When Bernie heard you were converting,

he flagged something Dad had added.

Go ahead, Sandy.

"If any of my children convert to

Judaism, Islam, Mormonism, or Hinduism,

they shall immediately forfeit

any and all participation

in Gordon Family Holdings LLC,

including, but not limited to,

ownership stakes in the LA Waves,

Gordon Family Investments,

and any real estate holdings

and properties."

I was pleasantly surprised there was

nothing against same-sex marriage.

- Cool how Dad still surprises us.

- Hold on.

Back to my thing.

This can't be enforceable.

Unfortunately, it is. If you do convert,

you will lose everything.

Even my job?

Well, legally, you keep your job,

but you just lose everything else.

I think the choice is pretty clear.

Well, you're right, Cam.

My choice is very clear.

Lev loves me for me, not my holdings.

He'd stay with me

even if I had to sleep on the beach.

Not the beach

in front of the Malibu house.

Because, technically,

the Trust owns that as well…

I am so tired of everyone

telling me what to do.

I'm gonna do what I want to do.

Or is it what Lev wants you to do?

Screw you, Cam.

Screw… you.

Hey, is there anything in there

about body piercings?

One thing

you don't tell Isla Gordon,

what g*dd*mn religion she can or can't be.

You know what?

They've never seen a Jew like me.

And that's

the end of the first half.

The Waves, 49. Tropics, 54.

Ladies and gentlemen, please give

a warm Los Angeles Waves welcome

to our halftime performer.

All the way from Shaanxi, China,

Red Panda!

What the f*ck?

It's fine.

Oh!

No way.

Come on.

Let's go!

Yes! Yes!

I told you!

Ladies and gentlemen,

give it up for Red Panda!

Absolutely amazing.

I mean, if loving smoked salmon

is a crime, then lox me up.

Oh, sorry, sweetie,

you've got a little schmuts on your face.

You've got a good one there, Levie.

I do prefer the Old Testament.

I mean, if it ain't broke… Right?

Oh, I share a dermatologist

with Natalie Portman.

Oh, honey, give me my phone.

So, Larry David has season tickets

to the Waves.

- Mmm.

- I have his number in my phone.

Don't show them.

How does someone even discover

that they have this kind of talent?

-I know.

-Hey, hey.

-Hey.

-What are you guys watching?

I just showed Gene a clip from

the halftime show today. It was insane.

Wait, this is… this is from today?

Today's game? Like the Waves game?

No, it's from tomorrow's game.

Did you approve this?

Me? No, it was Ness.

Ness.

Charlie! Hey!

What-- What up?

So, this is, uh-- This is the work thing

you couldn't get out of?

-Your sister's engagement party?

-Yes, yeah, it… it is a work thing.

My, um…

My sister's my co-worker.

Um, how… how did you know

I'd… I'd be here?

That shouldn't matter. But Ness told me.

You know, I met him by mistake

the night you lied and said you had COVID.

g*dd*mn it.

I called to see if he and Bituin wanted

our Wait, Wait… Don't Tell Me! tickets.

And he said he couldn't take them

because he didn't know what NPR was,

and you'd all be here tonight.

Okay, okay.

Yeah, I… I realize I f*cked up.

I'm so sorry. Let's just get out of here,

and we can talk about it.

Um, no, thanks.

And I'm not-- I'm not mad.

I just, uh, I just wanted

to say goodbye in person.

-Charlie.

-Look, I can't tell what you want.

But what I want is to be with somebody

who isn't ashamed of me.

You know, who treats me as his…

as his equal.

Who wants to introduce me to his family.

You know, goodbye, Sandy.

-Charlie, please.

-No, I have to go, all right?

I have a van full of dogs

parked out front,

and I actually can't remember

if I rolled the windows down or not.

Good luck with your life, Sandy.

Sorry, I'm sorry. Excuse me, everyone.

Look, we weren't planning

on making any speeches,

but I just need to say a few words

about my beautiful,

amazing wife-to-be, Isla Gordon.

You know, uh, in Yiddish,

there is a term that's called beshert.

Translated into English,

it means inevitable.

It's the belief that somewhere out there

is a preordained, inevitable person.

A soulmate.

Now, when I was growing up

in a little cul-de-sac,

riding my bike to shul

in Scarsdale, New York,

did I think that my beshert would be

a smoking-hot blonde shiksa

from Brentwood?

I… I did not.

But I couldn't be happier.

And the shiksa thing

is about to change, by the way.

Don't worry, Ma.

Isla Gordon…

I cannot wait to marry you.

To spend the rest of our lives together.

Morning, noon, night.

Getting old and wrinkly

and way, way too tan.

Because that's what marriage is.

No matter the ups and downs,

at the end of the day,

I know that I get to come home

and have dinner with you

every single night.

Forever.

To my inevitable. My soulmate.

My beshert.

Mmm.

Isla Gordon-Levenson.

- Aw!

- Cheers.

My turn. Um…

I am terrible at speeches,

so I'm just gonna say… ditto.

And I just, you know, I love you, bud.

Um…

Can't wait to do all the things

that you just said.

-Cheers.

-All right.

- Mazel tov.

- Mazel tov.

Hey, are you okay? You got really pale

and sweaty all of a sudden.

No, no, I just need to get some air.

I'll be right back.

Okay, all right.

Sometimes in life

you just have to vomit,

and you don't even know why.

Hey, you okay over there?

Who the hell was that?

Jay Brown. Right on time, as always.

Just a boot and rally.

I'm gonna head back.

Why don't we, uh…

Why don't we take a breather?

Yeah?

Come on.

So, uh, what's going on?

Oh, hey, come on. Let's do a TikTok

'cause my hair is pumping.

You told Charlie that I'd be here?

Oh. Well, yeah,

but that was, like, an accident.

You had no right

to talk to him.

What are you mad at me for?

I'm the one that should be mad, okay?

You had a boyfriend for a year

and didn't even tell us.

You know I need people for my game nights.

I didn't introduce you

because I knew how you guys would react.

Do you think Charlie the dog groomer

meets the Gordon standard?

He doesn't have family money like Bituin

or an impressive job like Lev.

He's a schlubby guy

who wears Kirkland jeans.

-So what?

-So what?

Do you remember when Isla

gained her Freshman 15?

You and Cam made fun of her so much

she developed an eating disorder.

Yeah. We called her Island Gordon

because she got so big, she was…

like an island.

Wasn't cool, okay?

But it was a different time.

So do you think I'd be comfortable

introducing somebody like Charlie

to this firing squad?

Exactly, d*ck!

It's not that I'm scared of converting.

I'm not even scared

of losing my inheritance.

It's just when Lev was up there

talking about growing old together,

I realized that when he says forever,

he means forever.

Yeah, I mean,

that's… that's pretty much the deal.

It's so permanent.

Maybe my dad didn't want

all his marriages to fail.

Maybe he just couldn't handle the idea of…

eating dinner with the same person

every night.

Look, I, uh… I'm probably not the guy

who should be doling out marriage advice

as I just did a child handoff

in a Chipotle parking lot,

but it's perfectly normal to be scared.

I mean, this thing could end up

being a huge, ugly, painful mistake.

Is this the kind of pep talk

you give the guys at halftime?

-Is this why we're three games under 500?

-Yeah, I… I said, "It could be."

-Mmm.

-Or not. It's a leap of faith.

But it's a leap of faith

that you're in control of.

So, this? I mean, come on. You got this.

That's exactly

what I'm talking about!

Oh, okay, so you got me, all right?

Sorry my brain and eyeballs like looking

at sexy people with hot bodies.

But guess what? You are just as vain

and judgmental as the rest of us.

No, I'm not.

You just said you hid your boyfriend

from us because you're embarrassed!

Just stay out of my business, okay?

You meddle in my personal life.

You undermine me at work.

Undermine you at work?

Yes! Like with Jackie

and the red dragon lady.

Her name is Red Panda!

That's probably not her real name,

but that's what she goes by.

And Jackie was right. She was a hit.

Not the point. I told him no,

and then you went behind my back,

and you let him do it.

You've given him more attention

in two months

than you have me my entire life.

Well, maybe that's because

he's more lovable than you are.

I am lovable, you as*h*le!

Okay, then let's ask Charlie.

Hey, Charlie… You know what?

-He's not here.

-f*ck you.

-Oh.

-Hey!

Nobody shoves Ness,

as much as we may want to!

No, hold on, babe. I got this.

Do me a favor. f*ck you, okay?

Stop it right now. Stop it!

-Stop it. Hey.

-f*ck.

- No!

- Doggone--

Don't you… f*cking--

- Get off.

- Stop it!

Ow! Ow!

Grab me! Grab me!

My extension, you idiot.

I told you to stop it!

Ow!

We should call 911. Call 911.

Oh, for God's sake, she's gonna k*ll him.

g*dd*mn…

Hey, enough.

Get her away.

Isla! Isla!

Easy!

Isla.

Isla, what the hell happened?

- Please just help me out.

- Get off of me!

-You okay?

-Oh, thanks.

I'm sorry I ruined our engagement party.

No, stop. It wasn't you.

It was more your whole family.

Look, I want to say something.

I love that you're trying

to make this work,

but I don't want to force you to do

something that you clearly don't want to.

No, it wasn't that. I just got overwhelmed

when you were giving your speech.

I could see that. And that's why

I don't want you to go through with this.

Wait…

Are you serious?

Yeah. Look, I was watching you tonight,

and I realized you were converting for me,

not for yourself, and I don't…

Oh, right. That. No, Lev.

I'm willing to do it. I want to.

I know you do, and I appreciate it. I do.

But I don't want to start our marriage

dictating how you live

based on what I believe

or what my parents believe.

I'm sorry, I cut you off.

Your turn.

I'm sorry I freaked out.

I'm just a little concerned that

I'll perpetuate every bad habit

of my f*cked-up family.

Is your family f*cked up?

I… I… I don't know.

I couldn't tell by the battle royale

that took place in the hotel pool.

Are you sure about this?

Yes, I'm sure. As long as we're together.

-As far as our kids…

-Oh no, they can be totally Jewish.

Thank you 'cause it would be

a whole thing with my parents.

Th-- They're nuts too.

Plus, it's great,

'cause then I can keep my inheritance.

What do you mean?

Yeah, it turns out my dad made it

so that if any of his kids converted,

we lose stake in the family trust.

-Wow. That is, uh… That's intense.

-Mm-hmm.

That's like Henry Ford-level bigotry.

He did always drive Fords.

I love you.

I love you too. My beshert.

Oh, that was good.

Yeah. Hey, uh, sis.

Bituin has brought it to my attention

that we may have ruined the party.

Yeah, we're sincerely sorry

about… everything.

Law Roach will be in contact with you

about dry-cleaning fees,

and I will need

a bundle of hair extensions.

You okay?

I think so.

Dad really did a number on us.

Yeah.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Just let it out.

My… my boyfriend dumped me tonight.

- Son of a b*tch.

- You had a boyfriend?

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

I was so worried about you guys ruining it

that I ended up ruining it.

-Oh!

-Oh no.

Oh, you're gonna…

you're gonna be all right.

- Yeah.

- You're… you're such a catch, Sandy.

You're… you're a… homeowner.

- That's not a very good compliment.

- Yeah.

And, uh, you've got a nice little rig.

Huh? A tight butt. Little lean machine.

-Thank you. I like that one.

-Yeah.

- Hey, what's up?

- Hey.

Sorry, dude. This is your family now.

Just a bunch of violent,

dysfunctional heathens

who can't help make a mess in public.

I… I love it.

I was an only child, so this is fun.

Uh, by the way, congrats on, uh…

on Panda Lady.

Thank you, Sandy.

And I'm, uh… I'm sorry

that we called you Island Gordon.

-Honestly, thank you.

-Yeah.

Yo, let's get a selfie.

-Oh yeah.

-Is this our first picture?

Yeah! The first of many.

Nice. I wish we had done it earlier.

My hair was a little better.

And times we have together… ♪

Hey, as*h*le. I hope you're proud

of yourself for dishonoring Celia Cruz.

Celia Cruz?

She was a very important Cuban singer.

I… I know who Celia Cruz is.

She was a very important Cuban singer.

Mm-hmm. Yesterday was her birthday,

and I had this entire routine planned

to celebrate her life, and your little

unicycle lady stole all our smoke.

I'm really sorry. I didn't know.

Uh, can't you do it

at a halftime show next game?

That's not how birthdays work,

pinche culero.

You're a snake.

I'm watching you.

Yes, it's so easy ♪

To say no ♪