01x05 - Walrus d*ck Baseball

[bunniefuu]

(light relaxed music)

(birds calling)

(floorboards creaking)

Hey, old man.

Still sneaking around, huh?

Morning, siaja.

(sighs)

Hey, do you want to get

coffee sometime?

I just feel like you and I,

we haven't really,

Like, hung out.

Oh, I know.

You've been so busy.

And I've been working

a lot anyways.

-How is that going?

-Hectic.

But somehow I still feel

a little underused.

Like you just wish you could

maybe take some bigger swings.

Mm.

Anyway, I should

probably get going.

You make her happy, you know.

She's pretty tough to read,

But, um, it's starting to feel

like a thing again.

-Yeah, my mom's pretty private.

-Oh, yeah.

And, uh, on that note,

have a good one.

Yeah, you too.

(door shuts)

Hey, I usually take Friday

afternoons off, just fyi.

For the coffee, no pressure.

(door shuts)

-(upbeat electronic music)

-(singer vocalizing)

(door opens and shuts)

Bun!

Anaana's here.

Ting?

-(clank)

-woo!

-That one hit the moon!

-Yeah! Woo-hoo!

I think you're ready for a real

baseball game this weekend.

-Woo!

-What? No, she's too little.

-She's seven.

-Ataata said I could go.

Well, ataata didn't

talk to anaana.

Because anaana doesn't

talk to ataata.

-(sniffles)

-(distant dog barks)

-Okay. We'll talk.

-Really? When?

Um, Thursday after work.

-Come on, bun.

-Okay.

-Thursday after work, then.

-Okay.

-School.

-(bun giggles)

(gentle electronic music)

(door shuts)

(singer vocalizing)

Oof!

(funky electronic music)

-Morning.

-Yo, what up?

Ullaakkut. Oh, uh,

I wouldn't do that.

Those hooks are

purely decorative.

Like the hot water taps

in the washroom?

-And the smoke detectors.

-You know there's mushrooms

Growing in the storeroom,

and they are not the fun kind.

-No.

-Ugh.

(laughs and groans)

Okay, when you make

that sound,

It's usually

because of your mom Or helen.

Sometimes elisapee,

sometimes this one.

You make that sound a lot,

so we need another clue.

It's this place.

It could be so much better.

You know, I want to do more.

I want to

Take bigger swings.

Like, look at this.

I mean, technically,

this water bubble has worked

-Here longer than I have.

-(millie) I wouldn't touch that.

-(rising dramatic music)

-(hand smacks desk)

This is the worst time

to have a leak.

Do you know

why I called you in here?

To tell me to go home

and shower?

No, we are on a short list

for the polar research centre,

The one that your father's

been scouting.

It's now between

us and tuktutalik.

Wait, isn't that good news?

Do you know why this place

is falling apart?

It's because 70% of

the territorial infrastructure

-Funding has gone to tuktutalik.

-Well, that doesn't sound fair.

My counterpart there is

this woman, ellen white.

She's a real

(shudders)

(whispers) Jerk.

Siaja, if you had my job

(laughs)

I know it's ridiculous

to even think about,

But if you were in my position,

what would you do to defeat

A town that is demonstrably

better than us in every way?

-Harsh.

-I know.

'kay.

We already play baseball

every Saturday.

-Yeah.

-Why don't we

Challenge tuktutalik? Call it

a friendly game fundraiser.

Do a big 50-50 draw,

split the proceeds

With the visiting community,

and, um

Bring out the old walrus d*ck.

A walrus d*ck challenge.

It's been years. Yeah.

And we could crush ellen's team,

and show our fighting spirit.

Sure, and we could get

some extra funds to fix up

This place and have a real shot

at the research station.

Yeah, and really demolish

ellen in the process!

Let's do it.

Let's crush ellen! Woo!

(dog barking)

(tags jingling)

(upbeat electronic music)

(singer humming)

I hate to rub it in,

but in your face!

No! I didn't see that.

(siaja hums)

(both chuckle)

Hey, so if you would have said

the words "walrus d*ck baseball"

A few weeks ago, that would have

just blown my mind.

But now I'm thinking,

"bring it on," you know?

I'm starting to feel

like a real northerner.

Only southerners say,

"I'm starting to feel

-Like a real northerner."

-oh, damn it. All right. Well.

-(phone notification)

-um

Oh, crap. Crap, crap, crap.

-(siaja sighs)

-what?

I was supposed to meet ting

after work today, but I got

Caught up with helen planning

the game and telling her why

Throat singing cheerleaders

wasn't a good idea,

And I Forgot. sh*t.

-Was it important?

-I mean, I've been avoiding him

For weeks, and we have

a lot to sort through, so

-Yeah, I know that feeling.

-How so?

Uh

Dude, you know so much about me,

and I know zip about you.

It's kind of unfair.

Okay, it's just there's not

really that much to tell.

I had a girlfriend,

and I told her I was

Coming up here for a bit,

and she didn't say don't go.

So now I'm here. I get to play

some walrus d*ck baseball.

-So that's pretty cool.

-Um

As a reward for that avalanche

of personal information,

How would you like to be

my team captain?

-It would be my honour, milady.

-(both laugh)

(upbeat pop music)

let's go, l is levitating,

got us up in the clouds ♪

(siaja) the betting pool's

now at 22,000 and growing,

So we're walking away today

with at least 11k.

(helen) oh, my god! Siaja!

You have outdone yourself.

I know we may have gotten

off on the wrong foot,

But you might be

my greatest achievement.

-Thanks?

-Thank you.

And you're welcome.

Wow, big game day announcers!

-This looks so professional.

-It's my first time.

I bet you say that

to all the guys.

-(colin) helen!

-We just had that workshop.

Well, mr. Neil armstrong

hadn't been to the moon

Until he hopped out

of his space buggy either.

Huh, that almost made sense.

-You good?

-I said it was my first time.

I didn't say I wasn't

going to crush it.

Nice. Oh, you actually

plugged that in wrong.

(upbeat pop music)

(indistinct chatting)

-Where's kuuk?

-There.

-Hey!

-Someone got an upgrade.

Yeah, my auntie burned

my peacoat.

Uh, the team's looking good.

Especially this kid bannock.

Look how fast he is.

-Right?

-I'm faster than bannock.

Yeah? Well, we could use fast.

-Uh

-Hmm?

Got a lot of kids

and elders here.

Please, anaana?

-Woohoo! Yeah!

-I got her.

(inaudible)

Team's looking good.

-(bun giggling)

-all right, ready?

-Yeah!

- All right.

What?

I might be diving

into sensitive waters here.

Where's ting?

He's the best player we have.

We're not on the best of terms.

He's still upset at me

for, you know, everything.

-But how can we win without him?

-We don't need him!

We have a kick-a*s team.

I mean, look at elisapee.

She's an animal!

Look, it doesn't

matter if we win this.

Siaja, do you understand

how important it is

To humiliate ellen white?

-Helen!

-Hi!

There she is. Is that

a pink streak in her hair?

-(ellen) yummy!

-She thinks she's so cool.

-What do I do?

-You go greet her.

It's a conversation,

not a knife fight.

Okay. Hi!

Wonderful to see you!

Still aging gracefully.

(ellen) thanks for having

us here.

(laughing)

(calm rhythmic music)

-Okay! Let's do it.

-Yes, okay.

See? That wasn't so bad.

Helen talked me into changing

the terms of the game.

-It's winner takes all.

-What?

No! You have to go back

and tell her you made a mistake.

Are you kidding? You saw what

just happened. She's the devil!

Okay, I'll go back and tell

her you made a mistake.

-I signed an agreement.

-Helen!

If we lose, we get zip!

I already told mikey

to fix our leaky roof.

-We could lose money on this!

-Siaja, calm down.

You were just saying yourself,

our team is awesome.

-We can beat 'em!

-(ellen whistles)

Oh, my god.

Mm-mm-mm! You're going down.

(dramatic throat singing music)

(bun) those guys are big. Ooh!

I'll go get ting.

(ting) I don't need

any more casseroles!

-Ting, it's me.

-Oh.

Are you here for our big talk?

'cause you're, like,

a hundred hours late.

I'm sorry.

I got busy and I forgot.

-Genuinely, I texted you.

-You know how long I waited up?

The whole first season

of peaky blinders.

An amazing show that is now

ruined for me because of you.

Again, I'm sorry, but we need

you for the baseball game.

-The community needs king ting.

-You just have to tell them

You screwed up

with all your avoidance issues.

Ugh. I didn't come to argue.

Helen made a stupid bet,

and now we have to win.

And we can't do it

without you.

Fine. I'll play.

On one condition.

Deal! Wait.

What's the condition?

That we talk today,

right after the game.

-Okay.

-Hi, ting.

-Are you two

-Jealous?

Mm, casserole!

Judy, you're amazing.

Just bring it inside.

Right now,

I got a big game to win.

-(neevee) and then, she

-(women laughing)

-Hey!

-What are you doing?

The lovebirds

got to sit together.

(speaking inuktitut)

-Is that okay with you?

-Yeah, it's a free country.

Why do you think

we brought an extra chair?

Oh, thank you. Excuse me.

-(laughing)

-there a trick to this thing?

Yeah, the trick was

to get you to bend over.

(women laughing)

-(alistair laughs nervously)

-thanks for joining us.

Now that we're talking,

how come you never got married?

Uh, well,

lots of reasons, really.

Uh, doesn't help

that I live out of a suitcase.

-Any other kids?

-Uh, none that I know of, no.

How about jail time?

Have you gone to jail?

Uh, one night.

Mistaken identity.

-Only?

-How is your prostate?

Uh I don't know. Neevee?

-Holy, ladies, just chill out.

-(eva laughs)

-Jeez.

-How come you never got married?

-Who wants soup? Soup?

-Me.

-Yeah.

-I'll take. I'll take that.

-Yeah. Heck yeah. Heck yeah.

-(cheering)

(chanting) king ting! King ting!

King ting! King ting! King ting!

(ting roars)

(crowd cheers)

(chanting continues)

Siaja begged me to come.

Said we were

a little short on manpower.

Yeah. Kuuk is captain.

We need to win, so use ting.

Okay. Yeah.

(rhythmic music)

We are moments away

from the inaugural

Hamlet of ice cove

inuktitut baseball

Community hall

fundraise jamfest!

Fun fact,

I shortened it to ham jam.

Before you ask, there's no ham

and also no jam.

-Welcome to ham jam!

-(cheering)

(colin) elisapee is now bringing

over the bat for today's game.

Which, um, will probably

be played tomorrow

If she doesn't pick up the pace.

Sorry. Sorry, elisapee.

(millie) in a land short

on wood, we turn to bone.

And my, what a bone this is.

We give you The walrus d*ck!

(cheering)

This game has been played

for centuries.

And I say this

having done zero research.

But I do know each community has

their own set of unique rules.

So for fairness,

we will be playing

By a random community's rules.

-Alaskan rules.

-Which one?

-Eskimo baseball.

-Esmo baseball?

-(crowd gasps)

-hey!

-Ooh.

-We can say eskimo. You cannot.

-Understood?

-What I understand is

The tuktutalik community centre

is about to get

A new 4k projector.

(cheering)

Uh, everybody have a phone?

I'll post a link to the rules.

(rapid phone notifications)

(upbeat band music playing

over cell phone)

Okay. Eskimo baseball

doesn't have any bases.

Like american baseball,

you can have nine people

On the field,

or you can have more people.

It doesn't even matter.

Like, look at all those people.

The objective is to run

from one safety zone

To another without getting hit.

And that's how you get a guy

out, unless it's a head shot.

They don't count,

and that's eskimo baseball.

Okay, first team to 400 wins.

Let's play!

(cheering)

(fast-paced music)

Nice hit from taituusi.

He's gonna get a few runs.

Fun fact, last time

taituusi was in town,

He proposed

to three of my friends.

I guess that's more of a warning

than a fun fact.

Next, stepping up

to the plate, we have

-This guy.

-(whispers) who is this guy?

(whispers) I don't know.

(colin) and this guy hits it,

And, oh, it's collected by kuuk,

and he throws it.

This guy launches it back,

and kuuk catches it again.

Wow, they are playing catch

like father and child.

(cheering)

(colin) if you're confused,

folks, you're in good company.

It took me two years of living

here to understand this game.

Great play from the home team.

That takes a little bit

of sting off the fact

That we are already

-43 points behind.

-43?!

-We'll make it up.

-(cheering)

-Do we suck?

-Hey, only suckers suck.

And you're no sucker,

you're who? You're who?

-I'm your superstar wiggle butt.

-That's right!

Now, go show

grandma and grandpa

Just how fast your little tuktu

legs can go, okay?

(speaking inuktitut)

aww!

All right, come here. Ha-ha!

Go get 'em! Go!

(colin) okay. I hope everyone

warmed up their soup

'cause we might be here a while

If ice cove is

going to pull this off.

("my milkshake"

- inuktitut version)

-(cheering)

-come on, bun! Let's go!

Come on, siaja! Woo!

(colin) is kuuk

going to catch it? Oh!

Oh, ting leaves him in the dust.

-(ting roars and hoots)

-(crowd cheers)

I guess that's why they call

ting king, because he rules.

-And he's a sh*t team player.

-Got that right.

That was a dirty move.

(colin) a big pop-up, and

Oh! Ting decides to shove kuuk

instead of catch the ball,

And the visiting team

has scored again.

-Come on!

-Somebody's got to tell

Those two that they're

on the same team.

Fun fact, I think

they're both on team siaja.

(crowd chanting) fight! Fight!

Fight! Fight! Fight!

Time out! Grow up!

(colin) siaja breaks it up.

Tuktutalik scores another 12.

Are you kidding me? You guys are

going to cost us the game!

You're right.

We were being idiots, man.

-Sorry.

-Maybe you should take a break.

You're looking

a little tired out there.

-You know--

-please.

-What is your problem?

-You're my problem, and him.

How is kuuk your problem?

You made time for him,

but not for me,

-The father of your child.

-Of course, it's all about you.

(bun) why can't you

all get along?

-(crying)

-oh, I'm so sorry, bun.

We shouldn't have

been arguing.

No more fighting,

I promise.

-Yeah?

-Come on.

Let's all go finish

the game together.

-Okay.

-(colin) okay, guys, it's close

To the end of the game,

and it's tight.

Ice cove has called

for a time-out.

Take your mitts off,

because this is a nail-biter.

Hey!

Let's get off esmo time

and play ball.

(dramatic music)

Okay, guys,

this is bigger than money.

Ellen white is

a real-life t*rror1st.

Like, chop my hair, give me

the worst bangs ever, send me

To residential school t*rror1st.

No offence, bo.

Tuktutalik has been stealing

our resources for decades.

But it's made them soft,

and you know what happens

When you go soft

in walrus d*ck baseball?

It's game over!

So I say we go

scorched earth on these

These a-holes, and we're gonna

s in their m's until they s

In their perfect

little uniforms,

And then they're

gonna March around town

With that s

in their p-a-n-t-s's.

-Huh?

-Yeah!

Let's f*ck their sh*t up

for ice cove!

(everyone) ice cove!

All right, they want king ting?

We'll give them king ting.

-I'm listening.

-Okay.

(indistinct whispering)

(rhythmic music)

(colin) the entire ice cove team

is now waiting in the safe zone,

Sending our heaviest

hitter up to bat.

(crowd chanting) king ting!

King ting! King ting! King ting!

Hunters! Fall back! Go deep!

(colin) the game is close.

It could all come down

to this play.

(cheering)

(tense music)

-Now!

-Bungled out of nowhere!

-(cheering)

-amazing.

The entire ice cove team

is running to safety.

One player gets hit

and they are out.

Go! Go! Go! Go!

Ah!

(music slows)

(music resumes)

Three players left to score

and that's all we need!

Run, siaja!

Ow!

(crowd groans)

No, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no. That was an out.

-No! We won.

-We won!

-We won!

-Quiet!

-We won!

-No! We won!

-We agreed on the rules.

-What?

No headhunting! The run counts!

-Ice cove wins!

-Yeah!

(cheering)

-Woo!

-Woo!

Genuinely lovely

to see you, dear.

-Let's do this again sometime.

-Yeah.

Oh, yes, let's!

We need some new windows.

Oh, my god.

-I am so glad you're on my team!

-It may be your team,

-But I am your star player.

-You sure are.

Anaana, we won!

I'm so proud of you.

-(bun) yay!

-We did it!

-Um

-Uh

Are you coming

to the celebration, or?

Uh

I have a prior commitment.

-But rain check?

-Absolutely.

-See you.

-See you later.

Siaja!

Watch your back next time.

♪ you can hide your hurt ♪

but there's something

♪ you can do ♪

(sighs)

♪ you can talk to me ♪

♪ you can talk to me ♪

♪ when you're down, now ♪

♪ you can talk to me ♪

♪ talk to me ♪

Argh! I freaking tried!

And I'm taking this casserole.

(phone line trilling)

-(alistair) hello?

-Hey, it's siaja.

Yeah, you still down for coffee?

♪ let the walls burn down ♪

♪ set your secrets free ♪

♪ you can break their bounds ♪

♪ 'cause you're safe with me ♪

♪ you can lose your doubt ♪

'cause you'll find

♪ no danger here ♪

♪ you can talk to me ♪