04x08 - Rebrand

[bunniefuu]

[Pootie Shoe announcer]

Pootie, Pootie, Pootie... Shoe.

It's Pootie Shoe!

Hey, guys! This is Pootie Shoe.

Four B-holes. Whoa!

I'm seriously shook

by this update.

I wanna thank the guys

at Rager Body Mist.

I thought we were past

heteronormative gender roles, guys.

This is amazing. Blew me away.

Hashtag free Pootie.

I'm inclined to give this

game four and a half B-holes.

[Pootie Shoe announcer] It's

Pootie's birthday stream.

What is up, Pootie Nation?

Wow, guys. Looking at that

montage, seeing baby Pootie,

that-that was... Really

hit me in all the feels.

I gotta say, I was

such a Pootie cutie.

And now look at me, turning 17.

I got all of that

banger content stacked.

I got a lifetime of

dope memories behind me,

and I'm still one year

away from being legal.

Patience, Zendaya.

Hey, get that countdown

up on the screen, right?

I remember starting this stream. You

know, I was barely a little Poo-tween.

And then, you know,

throughout my Poo-teens

I was sort of growing

into my Pootie shoes

and now I feel like I've blossomed

into a fully-fledged Poo-man.

But if I can get

real with you guys...

I wanna say, from the

bottom of my heart,

a genuine love to

all my Pootie cuties,

my Pootie dudies and my

LGBTQ+ Pootie fruities

for all the love and for staying

with me throughout the years.

Like, you know, when I left

MQ after the Masked Man fight.

That was embarrassing.

Or when you rallied

hard on the GoFundMe

when my mom's breast implant surgery took...

[squeals] ...a little bit of a left turn.

Hashtag Save Shannon's

Cannons. Legendary campaign.

You Pootie dudies and you Pootie

cuties, you were always there for me.

But if I can get really,

really real with you guys,

I gotta say...

shout out to my

sponsor Blessed Beast.

Their new energy jerky is off the hook.

This sh*t is ba*ls to the wall insane.

And, uh, yeah. I'm gonna go

sign off, enjoy my birthday.

You know how it is.

But, uh, thank you cuties for

hanging and, uh, Pootie out!

Jesus Christ. [spits]

[grunts, spits]

[groans]

[cell phone buzzes, chimes]

[sighs]

Hey, birthday boy. You

ready for some pancakes?

Uh-uh. No time. I'm gonna

change then we gotta go.

Sit, eat. What's the rush?

We have the meeting with

Spencer and the team. [sighs]

Then afterwards we got

the Lambo dealership.

No. For the one hundred thousandth

time, you are not getting a Lambo.

I don't want you spending your money

on some overpriced guido death trap.

Mom, you can't say that word.

Oh, please. I'm 75% guido, I

can say the word and so can you.

It's my money.

Hon, you already have a car.

You know what you don't have?

Pancakes!

I don't want f*cking pancakes.

Please look at him. He's so

beautiful. Very happy to be here.

[Pootie Shoe] Mm-hmm.

Unlike you, grumpy.

I wanna be emancipated.

Please don't start with that.

Just because you think

of yourself as an adult,

does not mean you are one. Okay?

Okay. Well, then I'm not

a f*cking kid either.

I'm a... I'm a taxpayer,

I'm a homeowner.

I own six parking lots in

Palm Desert. [stammers]

Would you stop that?

For the love of God, don't do that

sh*t at the meeting again, okay?

- It's unprofessional.

- It's your birthday!

Blow off the meeting.

Relax. Go smoke a bowl

and-and play some video games.

Play the guitar.

You love the guitar.

I'm running a business

here. All right?

I wanna get the team together

and I wanna talk some...

some big dog moves.

Some strategy sh*t.

You're 17. You should

be enjoying yourself.

Hmm? That's what I was

doing when I was your age.

Yeah, and look how

you turned out.

Okay. Wow.

You know what I'm gonna do?

I am gonna eat this pancake

all by myself. Slowly.

I'll be in the car.

Y-You know, the one

that's not a Lambo.

Shannon, you created

a f*cking monster.

Yo! There we go. P-Money,

bring it in! [laughs]

- Manager always gets first dibs, okay?

- [laughs]

All right, you remember the,

uh, less important folks.

Uh, Steve, the rest of your

agents, the team, the whole...

- Mama Bear! How we doing?

- [Shannon] Hi!

- Oh.

- Can you believe it?

- Our boy is 17 years old.

- [gasps] I know.

Look at him. Must feel like

you had him just yesterday.

Oh, not really, no. My

sh*t's tight as a drum.

[chuckles]

- Can we get this started?

- Okay.

All right. This guy's all business.

All right. Have a seat, please, please.

- Pootie, let me get you. Let me get you.

- Yeah.

Okay, let's, uh, let's talk

turkey. Uh, what's on your mind?

I think it's time that

Pootie makes a change.

Uh-oh. Uh, should we

be worried? [laughs]

No, but I do feel

like maybe, uh...

You know, I feel a little

bit stuck in-in a kiddie demo

and I wanna, um, you

know, expand and grow.

And-And I think it's... [inhales deeply]

...a bit over due time for a rebrand.

Which is why, effective today,

I am dropping the "Shoe".

[gasping]

Yeah. Just Pootie

now. Like Zendaya.

And also dropping the butthole

rating system. Because, uh...

[chuckles] I mean, let's face it, I can't

be 25 talking about buttholes, all right.

Nobody wants to hear that.

Oh, gosh. I knew this day would

come. My God. My baby's growing up.

Well, uh... Yeah, but, I mean...

You know, it's not... it's not something

that adults don't talk about, right?

Everyone... Everyone here's

got a butthole. Am I wrong?

- [chuckles]

- I do. [chuckles]

Everyone knows one. Um,

but, like... [sighs]

I just feel like we can't

lose it, you know what I mean?

[stammers] Everybody...

They like the buttholes.

And, um, it's tricky 'cause the streets

are littered with corpses of, uh,

teen streamers who

tried to rebrand.

Yeah, look, did you see

what happened to LOL_Trevor?

- [clicks tongue] Oh, no. What-What...

- No.

[chuckles]

Well, his subs turned on him

like bad f*cking shrimp, man.

Well, we can always get

fresh subs. [chuckles]

Plenty of subs in

the sea, am I right?

What about Cold Alliance?

I mean, you're under

contract with those guys.

So, you know, they signed Pootie

Shoe, they're gonna want Pootie Shoe.

Uh, it's just Pootie now.

He dropped the "Shoe".

Oh, is it, Steve?

I mean, you could probably get me out

of the contract, right? It's your job.

Yeah. I mean... Yeah,

I could. Sure. Uh...

[stammers] What's it gonna

cost to get him out of it?

- Like $10 million.

- Like $10 million. Yeah.

Uh, you got $10 million lying

around I don't know about?

I feel like I didn't make

$10 million on the deal.

You might not have gotten $10

million but you had to pay a lawyer,

you had to pay an agent,

you had to pay a manager,

you had to pay Uncle Sam. This

is how a business works, Pootie.

But you are saying that

if I do get $10 million,

then I can get out

of the contract?

Well, yeah. If you wanna just throw $10

million away, but... [clears throat]

Great, so $10 million. Yeah. I

can get that. Uh, good meeting.

Are you guys leaving?

So we're done?

Well, I feel it's a good stopping

point and, uh, we'll circle back.

Okay, we got what we need to get

from Pootie and, uh, we got...

You're in good hands. We're

gonna take care of you, Poots.

- Happy birthday.

- Thank you, Steve.

Thank you, Steve.

[chuckles]

- That went well.

- Steve, you ignorant f*cking sh*t.

I do not care that your

dad started this place.

I will roundhouse kick you...

I will f*cking roundhouse

kick you into oblivion.

You shut the f*ck up!

Okay, god of artificial

intelligence. Help me out.

You're a streamer and you

need $10 million fast.

How do you get the money?

No crimes.

Pyramid schemes?

I said no crimes.

[sighs]

[sighs]

Can I have $10 million?

Can't do that.

[sighs]

"Sorry about humiliating

you in the fight.

I didn't know you

were the Masked Man.

Good news though. The fight

got millions of views."

Millions of views.

[Pootie Shoe announcer]

Pootie, Pootie, Pootie... Shoe.

What is up, fam? We are

coming to you live because,

well, I'm hearing from my sources

that we got some breaking news.

Out to our field

reporter Pootie now.

Thank you, Pootie. Pootie

News Network reporting here.

Pootie, we've heard rumors that

the street's speaking on your name.

Your thoughts on that for us?

Let them speak. They know

I'm at the top of my game.

I'm at the top of anyone's game. I'll

fight anyone, any time, any place.

Whoo! Strong words

from the Poot-man.

Hey, anyone?

Do you mean you'd fight

Cheezenuts Ph. D.?

I'll whoop that a*s!

EmmaCakes?

Would I really be a

feminist if I said no?

Pootie's an ally, folks.

What about LOL_Trevor?

I'll whoop his a*s in

game or in the ring!

- Ooh!

- Actually, LOL_Trevor,

if you're listening, I

challenge you to a cage match.

So, LOL_Trevor, you in?

Or are you too much

of a... [meows]

Oh, my God. Are you out

of your f*cking mind?

- Mama Bear's a little concerned.

- I'm pissed is what I am.

You don't need to challenge someone

to a fight, I'll knock you out myself.

Oh, that's a choice quote

for my emancipation hearing.

- Yeah, you wanna say that to the judge?

- All right. Can we just... Look... Don't...

There's no need to yell.

He knows what he's done.

Yeah, I did your f*cking

job for you, all right.

- So you're welcome.

- Okay, shots fired.

- Stop it! No!

- [stammers] Don't yell.

- Why are you defending him?

- It's all right. [stammers]

- Are you two f*cking?

- What? No.

- No, never. Never.

- Of course not. No. Not yet.

Not ever. Not ever. Okay?

Never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever.

Okay? I'm your guy, all right? [chuckles]

And, uh, I'm married.

So, thank you. No. Uh...

- Wives love me.

- Mom!

Stop! Okay? Sorry I

yelled. [chuckles]

Your mom and I, we're just a little

concerned about your safety here.

- And we're thinking about the brand.

- Yeah.

No, f*ck the brand. He's

gonna get himself k*lled.

Which is bad for

the brand, right?

I'm not crazy, right?

I tell you what, how about I

just huddle up with your mom

- and we'll come up with a good plan...

- You wanna huddle?

You huddle with me, man.

I'm the brand, the brand's

right here in the room.

And the brand is a grown-a*s

man who makes his own decisions.

But have you actually seen

LOL_Trevor since the rebrand?

I don't think you've

seen him, right?

What's up? I am LOL_Trevor

telling you to laugh out loud,

live out loud, lats out loud.

A lot of people have been

begging me to fight Pootie.

I saw the clip.

First off, don't disrespect me.

But most of all,

don't disrespect cats.

As a proud cat dad of 14

rescues, I accept your challenge.

I'll see you in the

ring, Poop Scoop.

- [grunting]

- [Pootie Shoe] Jesus Christ.

B-But that's a very close

shot, so he could be...

[stammers] Is it possible

that he's very short?

No, that's to scale.

Yeah, that's what...

that's what he looks like.

- Yeah, call it off.

- Right. Uh... [exhales sharply]

Call the fight off.

I can't just call it off.

I mean, the cat's out

of the bag here, guys.

Right? The toothpaste

is out of the tube.

We got, um... We-We

have to strategize,

we gotta come up with an

elegant way to get out of this.

I don't wanna get

out. I want the fight.

- [sighs]

- Pootie... [stammers]

- Get me a trainer.

- No, no, no. Do not get him a trainer.

- Look, can we just...

- Get me a trainer.

Can you flex?

There's nothing there. This one?

That's worse. Okay. Um,

we'll get you a trainer.

[grunting]

That looks good. Flexibility is key.

If you can bend, they cannot break you.

[Ian] Hey, Son.

Happy birthday.

What are you doing here?

Just figured I'd give you a chance

to tell me to f*ck off in person.

More fun than over text.

Deep breaths, Brendan.

Kai, can you just

give me a minute?

Okay.

Look, I've been following

all this fight stuff online

and I gotta tell you, man,

I'm just worried about you.

Bullshit. You never

worry about me.

- Did Mom call you?

- Yes. Yeah. She did.

And she wants me to give

you a whole bunch of money

to get out of your contract,

but I'm not gonna do that.

Because I have just learned,

through this little thing

I've got with my work partner,

that money does

not solve problems.

Besides, I know you probably

wouldn't take it anyway.

You're right. I wouldn't have.

Anyway, look, I...

I know that this

is all... [sighs]

...some clumsy way of proving to

the world that you're a man, but...

So, what, are you gonna

tell me to back out?

Absolutely not. I didn't raise

you to back down from a fight.

You didn't raise me at all.

Oh. [sighs] Okay.

Semantics aside, I know that I

haven't always been there for you,

and that is kind of selfish.

Kind of selfish? Try again.

It is selfish, yes. But I...

I'm here for you now.

I want a chance to help you

by hiring you a great trainer,

so that's what I did. Donald.

Yeah, this is, uh,

Donald "Cowboy" Cerrone,

you can call him Donald.

Uh, he was in the bathroom,

you know, doing whatever legends

do. This man is a UFC legend.

Well, I already have a trainer and

he trained Keanu for John Wick,

so I think he can

kick your guy's a*s.

- Thanks.

- No, no, no, no, no, no. I-I-I can't.

I can't. This...

This guy's a legend.

Nothing but respect

for you, Cowboy, sir.

- Um, good luck. Yeah.

- Okay.

- Dude.

- Namaste. That's a good call, Kai.

For the record, I would

definitely beat that guy's a*s

and Cowboy would

probably m*rder him.

Affirmative.

Fine.

- Great. Great. Great.

- [Donald sighs]

This is good. This

is a selfless thing.

Thank you for allowing me

to do a selfless thing.

Um,

if you could actually text my

work partner to let her know...

f*ck off.

Right. I'm gonna...

I'm gonna f*ck off.

Uh, Cowboy, pleasure.

- I got this.

- Great. Namaste or whatever.

Tricky relationship, eh?

No, it's pretty simple, actually.

He's an as*h*le and I hate him.

Look, man, half the guys in

the UFC got daddy issues,

so let's use it. Let's

go train. Come on.

[grunting]

Let's go. Earn it. Earn it.

- Come on, Pootie. Is this a joke?

- [grunting]

- [Donald] No one's really this weak.

- [inhales deeply]

- [grunting]

- [Donald sighs] Come on.

What is up, my Pootie Shoe-bies?

We out here getting our Pootie

punches in with my boy Cowboy Cerrone.

In the immortal words of Jake

Paul, "It is every day, bro."

Pootie is gonna be

fighting LOL_Trevor.

Pootie is gonna get

absolutely annihilated.

Team LOL gonna turn Pootie

Shoe into Pootie Soup.

[screaming]

- What did you say to piss him off?

- I don't know. I...

- Hmm.

- He has a thing for cats.

He's big, slow.

You're lanky as sh*t.

Look, if we can get the fight to

the ground, we can control him.

Just need you to go out

there and sh**t the leg.

sh**ting the leg is the

only way you're gonna win.

[both grunting]

[Donald] No. Wrong.

[breathes heavily]

Do it again.

- [panting]

- Attaboy. Come on.

[grunting]

Right? This you. That. No, no.

Go! Let's go!

- Where you going?

- [retches]

- [breathing heavily] Turn it off!

- Oh, come on.

You seeing this,

LOL_Trevor? [exclaims]

- Good.

- That's you.

Keep talking, douchebag.

In just a few more weeks, Uncle

Trev's coming to beat your a*s.

I'm so ready for fight night.

It's gonna be, like, even more iconic

than when Fantasia beat Diana DeGarmo

on American Idol.

Pootie, Trevor,

all you have to offer the

world is beating each other up?

So lame, dude. I mean, I'm...

I'm gonna watch, but super lame.

- [Donald] sh**t the leg, man.

- [Pootie Shoe grunting, groans]

- [grunting]

- [Donald] Almost.

[yells] f*ck!

Again. Let's go. Come on. Gotta

get the fight to the ground.

Keep that energy. Let's go.

A-what-what, it's your Poot man. We

are in week three of my training.

I got the eye of the tiger.

[imitates roar] Fists of fury.

There it is. There

it is. There you go.

Fifteen. That's what I'm

talking about, Pootie.

[grunts]

- [Donald] Come on. Come on. Come on.

- Pootie Press.

[grunting]

f*ck! [breathes heavily]

You're all right, kid.

You're getting it. One more.

[podcaster 1] I've been

watching Pootie spar, bro.

He's getting f*cking lit up.

- I got .08 Ether riding on this fight.

- [podcaster 2] Whoa.

That's a lot of coin

for you, brother.

[streamer] Fight night is here.

If Pootie doesn't win, I'm gonna

send Trevor a box of my farts,

which smell really bad

because I ate a lot of jerky.

Good. Yes.

- Whoo!

- Oh, yeah, Trevor.

- My man's a k*ller.

- [exclaims] Huh? You want some of this?

- There you go. There you go. Yes.

- [grunting]

- [yells] Whoo! [panting]

- Nice.

- I swept the leg. I swept the leg.

- Hey.

- [panting, chuckles] Yes!

- You did it, kid. You did it. [chuckling]

[cheers]

Tonight is the night.

We got Sideshow Bob Junior fighting

that Teen Wolf-looking boy.

Now, let's watch these weird-a*s

Internet white boys k*ll each other.

[person in crowd] I wanna

have your babies, Pootie!

Mouthpiece? Cup?

- Good luck.

- [announcer] All right, fight fans.

- Are you ready to go?

- [crowd cheers]

- I'm scared. [mumbles]

- You with me?

I'm scared. He's f*cking

huge. Dude's gonna m*rder me.

Listen, all bullshit aside,

when we first started, I thought

maybe he could've k*lled you,

but you've come a long way.

You have a real shot at

winning this. You really do.

I believe in you.

You've got this.

- You believe in me?

- Yes, I'm here.

Listen, when you get out

there, do like we trained,

stay the course,

get the fight to the

ground, win the fight.

- Control the fight, win the fight.

- Control the fight, win the fight.

Yes, sir. Let's go!

I'm f*cking proud of you, son!

I mean...

Boy. Damn it. Proud of

you, boy. Proud of you.

[overlapping chatter]

[person in crowd]

Let's do this. Come on!

[grunts]

Ready?

Pootie, you ready?

Rip his f*cking

face off, Pootie!

Fight!

[bell rings]

[crowd exclaiming]

We're done. We're

done. It's over.

Meow, meow, b*tch!

- [bell rings]

- [crowd clamors, applauds]

[crowd chanting] Meow, meow,

b*tch! Meow, meow, b*tch!

Meow, meow, b*tch!

Meow, meow, b*tch!

[referee] Pootie.

Pootie. You okay, bud?

Knocked out. Knocked

out. That's it.

[bell echoing]

[footsteps approaching]

[Shannon exclaims] Oh,

the swelling's gone down.

I can see your eyes again.

Yeah.

I did it, Mom.

- I know. I know you did, sweetheart.

- No.

- Try to get some rest.

- No, I mean, I...

I did it.

- I got the ten million.

- Mmm.

Look, the viewership

numbers are huge.

- Did you watch?

- Uh-huh... No, I couldn't watch.

I had to go outside.

I, uh, got to

talking with Silvia,

the woman who sells the

bacon-wrapped hot dogs,

and she was telling me that her son

doesn't listen to her for sh*t either.

I gotta text Spencer. I wanna get out of

this Cold Alliance thing as soon as...

That can wait. That can

wait. That can wait.

Mom, I've been waiting.

I have control over my

stream and my brand now.

[Shannon sighs]

- I just need control over my money.

- Okay.

I'm gonna make you a deal.

If you swear on your

guido grandpa's grave

- to never fight again...

- No problem.

...then I will call the lawyer

and I will get the ball

rolling on the emancipation.

- Really?

- Yeah. If that's what you want,

then I'm... I'm not

gonna stand in your way.

Thanks, Mom.

Of course, sweetie.

All you had to do was

fracture your orbital bone.

Let's get this here, all right?

- Ow. [groans]

- Yes, I know. I know. I know.

- [clicking tongue] Ow... Owie. Owie.

- Don't press on it.

- [Spencer] Thanks. I already called her.

- [Cheryl] You're not even hearing me.

- [Spencer] I called the guy twice!

- [Cheryl] I got it.

Jesus. Your face.

Uh, is Spence home? I... He-He

wasn't answering my texts, so...

It's a Saturday.

- So?

- Okay, s-sorry,

we're in the middle of something

right now, so... [chuckles]

God forbid we try to get through a weekend

without one of you guys showing up.

I-I got this, hon. Why don't you, uh...

Why don't you go back inside? Okay?

[sighs] Sorry about that.

- Everything cool?

- Yeah, thanks. Yeah, we're good.

Um...

Oof. Ooh, look at you.

You look like you got your a*s

kicked. How are you feeling? [sighs]

Uh, no, I've been

great, actually.

You know, we hit our

number, so, yeah...

so make it happen. Get

me out of the contract.

So, you're ready to

be an adult, huh?

Just got my a*s kicked in front

of three million people, so, yeah.

Okay, yeah, look, uh... [sighs]

I'm gonna do whatever

you want, pal,

- you know?

- Sure.

I know you're itching for a seat

at the adult table and I get it.

You know, you got your

whole life ahead of you.

And it's gonna be

a great life too.

I guarantee you're

gonna meet a girl,

you know, someone you can't even

believe would give you the time of day.

You know, fall in love, put a ring

on it, get the house, have a kid.

Everything's gonna be perfect.

Well, until...

till you find out it's not.

[stammers] Who knows what

that'll be, you know? Maybe...

I don't know, maybe she breaks your

heart. Maybe you lose all your money.

[breathes deeply]

Remember that kid of yours?

You know, this beautiful,

happy little boy,

running around

playing with his dad,

maybe you find out this kid's not

gonna be as lucky as you are, you know?

Life's not just gonna work

out perfectly for him.

Next thing you know, you're dealing

with, uh, hospitals, doctors.

You're trying everything, physical

therapists, speech therapists,

medical bills, there's...

there's nothing you can do.

That's gonna put stress on that

fairy-tale marriage, you know?

And there's gonna be marriage

therapists, a lot of fighting.

But you gotta suck it up, right?

You gotta... gotta keep on going.

[sniffles] Hell, you

gotta pay for it all.

And the only way to do that is eat a

bunch of sh*t from spoiled teenagers.

Sometimes on a

Saturday. But... [sighs]

that's what being

an adult is. [sighs]

sh*t, I'm...

I'm sorry, man. I d... I...

I-I didn't know any of that.

Well, how could you? You never

asked 'cause you're just a kid.

Be grateful for what you

have while you have it.

Don't be in such a rush to

grow up 'cause the world...

is still gonna be there in a year,

just waiting to hit you in the face

like a f*cking sledgehammer,

man. [breathes deeply]

So, you cool if we

talk about this Monday?

- Yeah. Yeah, it's cool.

- Yeah?

Yeah, sounds good.

[chuckles]

Okay, bud.

[breathes deeply]

Did you tell him how much you

won after betting against him?

No, Cheryl, I did not.

Why aren't you dressed?

We got a court date, kid.

Gotta get your a*s emancipated.

Yeah, I'm not sure I'm feeling

it today. Mind if we blow it off?

You're not feeling it?

Yeah, I don't know. I

thought I might just,

you know, play some guitar,

smoke a bowl, surf

some dank memes.

Try to enjoy myself.

You got it, kid.

[Pootie Shoe] Hey,

guys, it's, uh...

it's been a while.

I guess, as you've probably

noticed, I've been, uh,

sort of going through

some stuff. [chuckles]

Uh, it's been rough.

I was raised by video games,

so I always thought that growing up

was about getting to the next level.

But...

I think that maybe life is not

something you wanna speedrun.

And that's why I decided

to make a big change.

Um, so effective immediately,

I... [sighs]

will be ending...

my partnership with

Blessed Beast. What?

Truth is, your boy's

a vegan, all right?

And I wanna be a hundred

percent with you from now on,

which is why you'll be

able to trust my new review

of the Cold Alliance Nebulon DLC

that is dropping this Friday.

That is not one that

you're gonna wanna miss.

But, um, you guys

are great listeners.

You cuties keep me young, and

I'll see you tomorrow. Pootie out.

[chuckles]