01x07 - Delivery Boys

[bunniefuu]

-[exciting music playing]

-[all exclaim]

[Raj Dar]

Hit me with a shrimp, my man.

[all cheering]

That's a hot shrimp.

[Mir Dar]

We're having so much fun!

You're gonna be a deli mogul

like your Baba, baby.

And you're gonna be

Mrs. Deli Mogul.

I'm just glad that

we could treat our ladies

the way they're supposed

to be treated again.

-By buying them sh*t. Cheers!

-Yes.

[Prairie] It's not about

the money for me,

and that's what

my aura photo says.

You see that? That's love.

You know what that is?

It's a waste of $40 each.

But guess what?

We got it like that.

Look at this gorgeous

metaphysical stew.

[Prairie] Ooh, wait.

Let me see. What's that?

Probably just

like a deep booger.

-Ew.

-Mm, no, babe.

You're holding onto something

that causes you great stress.

Does that resonate

as true for you?

Well, actually

That's impossible

because working at a deli

is the least stressful job

you can have,

especially when you're crushing it

like my big bro is. Right?

-Right, yeah.

-Okay. But I think

-it's worth exploring that

-[Mir] No, it's actually not.

We should focus on pleasure

and not business.

My man, shrimp me.

[chef yells]

-Oh!

-[Bushra/Prairie exclaim]

That is a hot shrimp.

Oh, give me a shrimp kiss.

Mm. [laughs]

I got eyes

on these fart knockers.

-[tense music playing]

-[Mir] All these spices! Like an umami!

Oh, my God, I love it.

This is the best day of my life!

[funky upbeat music playing]

[g*nshots]

[b*llet shells clinking]

I can't keep living this lie.

You saw my aura photo.

Holding in all this

morally dubious sh*t

is affecting

my metaphysical health, man.

Raj, we're in

a criminal business.

We have to learn

how to compartmentalize.

That's why I have compartments.

[Raj] My heart keeps

telling me I need

to examine this sh*t

with my shaman.

But obviously

that's not an option

because my shaman

is my girlfriend.

-Oh, my God.

-[doorbell rings]

Boys. [sighs]

Ali's out today. Colonoscopy.

Eats like an 8-year-old,

that's what he gets.

So I need you to [clicks tongue]

make a drop in West Philly.

I'm sorry. A drop?

As in of drugs?

[Lucky] Yeah. Sometimes

you have to do the thing.

Business is expanding. We have

to wear lots of different hats.

Hats. Hats made of lies.

What's wrong with him?

He got a black dot

on his aura photo.

Right in my temple area.

[Mir] We all took them.

It's actually pretty fun.

Mine was green for money,

so I think that's

Sorry I asked. Off you go.

Can't we get, like,

a TaskRabbit to do it

or, like, Ahmed Uncle?

Did Ahmed Uncle get fired

after the whole

Paki Blinders thing?

No, but I told him

to stay the f*ck home

until he grovels

for my forgiveness.

He sent me an email,

clearly written by AI.

That's actually

kind of impressive.

I've seen him try

to use a computer.

-It's not pretty.

-Yeah, he's bad.

Chalo, chalo.

We are so close to being

on the right side up

with the Peruvians.

So I just want you to take 10 jars

of achar to West Philly.

I can't. I have the wedding tasting

with Bushra and her mom.

-Raj, you do it.

-I can't go, okay?

I gotta go with him

to protect him from Bushra's mom.

What is this?

Number one kaamchor, number two ka

What th-the f*ck is going on here?

Seema's been bullying me

ever since I lost

my money status

and perfect credit score.

Can't blame her.

So I had to take

Wait. Can you come?

Come on. You're like

the scariest person I know.

You hit us all the time.

You yell at us.

It could be like a good match.

-It's true.

-[Mir] You're angry.

You have a g*n.

You've k*lled people before.

Ca-can you come? Please?

First of all, thank you.

And then secondly, uh,

Seema sounds like a nightmare.

I would love to go!

[laughs]

Yes! It's gonna be like

The Real Housewives of Karachi.

Raj, you are doing the drop.

-You okay?

-[Lucky] Yeah.

He's in tip-top shape.

Don't ask again.

[Mir]

Thank you.

[upbeat tabla music playing]

[engine revving]

[tires screeching]

[horn honks]

♪♪

[hip-hop music playing]

Sir, here she comes.

This is my asset.

So, if you could please

let me take the lead.

Oh, yeah, Mercer. You got it.

[Agent Frances Mercer]

Okay.

Prairie, this is

Director Simpson.

We've been assessing

your performance as an informant,

and there's a strong chance

that you are the worst mole

in the history of the Federal

Bureau of Investigation.

Okay, well,

your roots are showing.

-Whoa. [meows]

-Don't do that.

What is this?

Good cop, cat cop?

You can use that.

You're highly unreliable,

but you are on the inside.

So we're gonna try

a different tactic.

Is that a wire?

Not just a wire. The wire.

The Tag 5 Phantom

has captured evidence

on some of the baddest.

I had some luck with it myself.

You know what?

This is awesome.

I'm gonna wear this and show you

that Raj isn't a criminal

and you're wasting your energy.

You have got

to be the first mole

that's ever been excited

to wear a wire.

Well, I was pretty stoked

to wear it. [chuckles]

Does she know about

my time undercover?

I'm not getting

a sense that she does.

I don't.

It's pretty epic.

Do you want the whole story?

Are you familiar with some

of America's greatest heroes?

Thoughts on the actual menu

before we go to food?

I always felt

the font should be

[both] Italicized.

[Bushra and Seema laugh]

[Bushra] We always do that.

-[Seema] You do that all the time.

She says everything I say,

my little baby.

We're kinda like that too,

you know?

-[Mir squeals]

-[Bushra/Seema laughing]

-Mini-me.

-Mir, honey. What do you think?

Um. Hmm?

This particular italicized font

kind of makes the "I"

in Mir look a little, um

A little what, Mir?

I don't know the right word.

I wanna say p*nis-y.

It looks p*nis-y?

Mom, does it look p*nis-y?

I don't want it to look p*nis-y.

Is that what

your p*nis looks like?

But how about

this other one, you know?

How about the other one?

Oh, yeah, absolutely. Yeah.

[hip-hop music playing]

[Raj sighs]

Thanks for taking me

to West Philly.

Of course, baby.

Damn. We haven't ridden

in Old Woody together in forever.

Right? [laughs]

Oh, man.

[sniffs]

[sighs] I miss this.

You wanna take a joint ride

like we used to?

I don't wanna be stoned

until we have a chance

to talk about something

It's a Sunset Sherbert Donut

with Skittles rosin.

Alright. Light 'er up.

It's really more of a tasting

than a drinking.

Mm. Number four.

Partial to the Mir-garitas,

what can I say?

Yeah, despite the name,

they're lovely.

Ooh, that has a little

too much jalapeño.

-Don't you think, Lucky Aunty?

-Mm-mm.

Oh, Bushy, he's got

the gastrointestinal lining

of a white boy.

-[Mir sighs]

-Ammi

Yes. Like any hardworking go-getter,

Mir has acid reflux.

-[Mir] Thank you.

-Yes.

It must be very hard

counting coins at a cash register.

Ammi, Mir is working hard.

He's gonna be such

a good provider.

Yeah, I'm working on it

as we speak. Big deals.

We're gonna be so rich.

Mir, honey, try the Bush-tini.

It has a hint of lavender.

It's better for your tummy.

-I have my own.

-Then try mine.

-[eerie music playing]

-[Mir] Okay.

-[Bushra] Doesn't it smell good?

-Mm. Tastes like you.

-[gasps] Mir!

-Mm-hmm.

-Yeah?

-[Bushra] My mom is

Young love. I don't get it.

[Lucky] I don't get

old love either, to be honest.

-[eerie music continues]

-[glasses clink]

-You okay, Mir?

-Uh-huh. I'm so good.

Let's get another round

of Mir-garitas.

We're having fun!

-[Bushra chuckles]

-[Mir chuckles]

[softly]

Oh, f*ck.

["Try Harder" by Sunny Ali

& The Kid playing]

[Raj] And basically

the experiment proves

that everything is a hologram.

Like, all of existence

is a projection.

[Prairie] Okay. So if we look

at something, it exists.

And as soon as you look away,

poof, it stops existing.

Then we better not stop

looking at each other.

[Raj and Prairie laugh]

-[phone chimes]

-[Raj] Why'd you stop looking?

[Prairie] I'm sorry.

It only happened for two seconds.

[Raj] But I didn't exist

for two seconds.

[Prairie] Okay,

I'll never do it again.

-[Raj] Don't stop looking at me.

-[Prairie] Never.

Now, this is not

the most popular cake,

but it is our most affordable.

Oh, Mir. Try this one.

-Hello?

-Ladies, um, I have to go.

Uh, the Mir-garitas are

catching up to me.

I'm gonna hit

the little boys room. [laughs]

This cake tastes like

a urine-soaked sponge.

What do you think, Lucky?

This is so gross.

You're so right. I like you.

[laughs] Birds of a feather.

[Raj and Prairie groan]

[Raj sighs]

-Hey.

-What's up?

Can I talk to you about

something serious for a second?

[Prairie] [through headphones]

Anything, as always.

So, uh

I'm engaged.

-What?

-[Raj] Yeah.

This place that

we're rolling up to, uh,

Mir got me engaged

to their daughter

as some sort of business deal.

[Mir] Nandika, how would you like

to marry my brother?

-What is happening here?

-Yes. Yes, absolutely.

Dad, tell Mom to say yes.

-[both] Oh!

-[both chuckle]

Oh, my God. [laughs]

-I know, right?

-[Prairie] Okay.

This all makes sense now.

That's what the black spot

on your aura photo was.

-Yeah. You okay with that?

-[Prairie giggles]

Uh, yeah.

Our bond transcends

patriarchal conventions.

[car door shuts]

Aw, you want me

to meet her, don't you?

-Mm-hmm.

-Okay.

It's crazy how we don't even need

to use words sometimes.

-You just

-It's a little nuts.

kind of get what I'm saying.

-[Prairie] I do.

-[Raj] Right?

-It's sick.

-[Patika] It's very sick.

I feel like it's giving

Howl's Moving Castle.

-Howls?

-Howl's.

-House?

-Howl's.

Howl's?

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-[alarm chimes]

-Ah! There he is.

Handsome devil.

Look who's here, sweetie. [chuckles]

[Raj speaks Japanese]

Hm.

[Nandika speaks Japanese]

Did you understand

what she said?

I don't know what you said.

[scoffs] Weaboo.

[chuckles] Who's she?

Uh, this is Prairie.

She's, um

-I'm his shaman.

-Yeah.

-She's my shaman.

-Uh, what's that mean?

Um, I help him

with his spiritual journey.

[Raj]

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

I make sure his chi is clean,

his chakras are balanced

with love and light.

That's who I am.

[Raj] But anyways,

I'm here because

I brought the 10 jars

of achar that you ordered.

Ooh. Of course.

Uh, but I only wanted nine.

Wh-where's Ali?

-Colonoscopy.

-Ah.

-Early detection is very important.

-[Raj] Mm-hmm.

You know, I once had

an odd sensation in my an*s.

[Raj] Oh, would love

to hear about that.

[Patika] But first,

let me show you

around the new restaurant.

-So you're a shaman?

-Guilty.

-Come here, girl.

-Oh, oh.

[Prairie]

Mm, yes.

Okay. [chuckles]

Um, please never do that again.

-[Prairie chuckles]

-[Nandika] Right.

Um, so you

probably know, like,

everything about him then, right?

I do. Inside and out.

Okay. Tell me,

has he had any DUIs?

-A couple.

-Has he ever been weird to pets?

-No.

-Any cancer screenings?

We'll get on that.

-Pap smears?

-Just me.

-Strange hair.

-Just on the right side.

-Had any girlfriends?

-Tons.

I'll get over it.

Is he into domination?

-Mm-hmm.

-Is he into being dominated?

Mm.

I can work with that.

Real talk, then.

You can be honest.

Like, what am I

getting myself into?

He's not some

total weirdo, is he?

You don't have anything

to worry about.

To be honest,

Raj is the kindest soul,

the most pure of heart.

-Cool.

-He's a good guy.

Alright. You ready to dip?

-Um, yeah, let's go.

-Cool.

-[notification chimes]

-[Nandika speaks Japanese]

[Raj] Huh?

[Nandika] Um,

I'll see you later. [chuckles]

-Yeah. Bye bye bye, ma.

-I'll miss you.

Um, I'll see you.

I'll miss you too.

-Oh, I will miss

-Not you.

-Oh.

- Oh. That's okay.

[chuckles] He's, like, so obsessed

with me. It's so dumb.

[laughs]

-[Mir sighs]

-[urine trickling]

[ominous music playing]

[Benny Bean Sprout]

Ugh! What the f*ck?

[yells]

[Benny thuds]

What the f*ck? [panting]

Since we're being so open,

is there anything else

you wanna tell me?

[sighs] Yeah. There is.

[Prairie]

Okay.

I, uh, I haven't been

completely honest with you.

And it's only because

I didn't want

to contaminate

your aura with my sh*t.

Your sh*t is my sh*t.

I don't think

I can say it out loud.

Alright. Then show me.

[pensive music playing]

What is happening?

[package squelches]

Oh, f*ck!

She is trying to break me.

Patience, Mercer.

[in French accent]

Patience.

Thanks for being honest

with me, Raj.

I'm sorry that you've been

going through all of this

without your shaman.

[notification chimes]

-[phone rings]

-[Raj] Oh, I have to take this.

Yo, Ali, what up?

[Ali] [on phone] You need to drop five

of the achar containers

to one of our guys.

Last minute re-up.

sh*t's selling quick.

[Raj] Got it.

Ali texted me.

-Here's the other four you need.

-[notification chimes]

-[car door closes]

-Alright, we're good.

-I'll load it up.

-[Ali] Contact's name is Basim.

And a word of advice.

Don't eat mirchi foods after 30.

Uh, o-okay. Uh, thank you. Bye.

Um, do you have to do this?

Yeah, I do. Yeah.

Uh, where is this place?

-"Two-five

-Wait!

[Raj moans]

[kissing sounds]

g*dd*mn. Alright.

We gotta do this sh*t quick

'cause, uh,

we gotta get home ASAP.

-You know what I'm saying? [laughs]

-[Prairie laughs]

[voice assistant]

Now routing to 2501

Courtland Street, Philadelphia.

Yes! Yes! Yes!

[tense music playing]

-Let's go.

-[engine starts]

Told you.

I'm gonna need you

to say I called it.

You called it.

Great. Now we can go.

Be honest. Are these

three days old or six days old?

-[Lucky chuckles]

-My brother has a floral company

that has the freshest flowers.

We have other options.

Come with me.

[Lucky humming]

Hey, someone in the bathroom

just tried to k*ll me.

What? Who was it?

He came from over Oh.

-It was that guy.

-[ominous music playing]

Okay, so what's the plan?

What the?

[panting]

She's drunk.

[train horn blows]

[brakes squeaking]

Thanks for listening

to me, Prairie.

I've been carrying

that sh*t for a while.

[notification chimes]

[notification chimes]

What's wrong?

Um, can we just go back

to the apartment now?

Nah.

I, uh, I have to do this.

-[car door opens]

-It'll just be a second.

[Prairie] Okay. I'll pull the car around

and meet you up front.

[car door closes]

[pensive music playing]

Make one wrong move

and I sh**t.

-[slams into door]

-[Benny grunts]

[Lucky]

Get the f*ck in. f*ck you!

Oh, f*ck.

[Lucky]

f*ck.

Benny, wow. The Pho Brothers

would really go this far

just because we got West Philly?

West Philly's yours.

-Really?

-[Raj laughs]

Oh, my God.

Thank you so much, sir.

-Thank you so much.

-[Raj] Oh, hell yeah!

You know Chickie's gonna have

your f*cking head for this.

Not if he doesn't find out.

[both grunting]

You don't have to find ♪

["I'm Your Part Time Love"

by Mitty Collier playing]

No, you don't have

to find no part time love ♪

[Lucky and Benny yelling]

[Lucky]

Nice baby knife.

[Benny yelling]

You don't have to find ♪

[Benny yells, grunts]

[Lucky grunts]

-[bones crack]

-[Benny yells]

You don't have to find

no part time love ♪

-[Lucky grunts]

-[Benny yelps, groans]

And I'll tell you what, baby ♪

[g*n c*ck]

Go ahead. Make your last wish

before I send you back to the essences.

Go to hell, Lucky.

[panting]

Like it or not,

we're gonna make an example

of those idiot Dar boys.

Dar boys?

Raj. f*ck.

Are you okay?

[suspenseful music playing]

I'm so sorry

for what's about to happen.

Wait.

-[muffled groaning]

-Did you hear that?

[suspenseful music continues]

[groaning continues]

[Basim speaking muffled]

Basim? What the f*ck, man?

What happened?

[Basim mumbling]

What? You know what? Hold on.

Let me take this off,

and we can have this conversa

-[fist thuds]

-Ah, f*ck.

-[laughter]

-What the actual f*ck?

-Big Pho?

-Surprise, pickle boy.

-What the f*ck are you doing here?

-[snaps fingers]

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Guys, guys,

let's talk about this.

Murderwalla?

-[Murderwalla] [on phone] Mm-hmm?

-Rush job.

I'm gonna text you the address.

[Mir]

We should get outta here. Yeah.

-[wedding planner] Of course.

-[Mir] Mm-hmm.

We should really get

outta here

and get into a car

as fast as possible.

Are you okay? You're acting

like someone is following you.

Yeah. [panting]

No. I thought I could keep

things separate, Bushra,

but I can't. Okay?

I really have

to come clean to you.

After Baba died,

I really got deep into some sh*t.

-[fighting, grunting]

-[phone ringing]

-[kicks thudding]

-[Raj grunting]

Come on, Raj. Pick up.

[line rings]

[sighs] Pick up. Pick up.

I know how the sausage gets made,

and I think I'm gonna freak out because

people of different ethnicities

are coming to get me.

Okay. Calm down. Mir!

Do you think I'm an idiot?

No.

I don't know exactly

what you're doing,

but I do know

that I don't wanna know.

You-you do, but you,

you don't? What?

Your dad was obviously

a criminal.

His company got raided

by the FBI.

Do you think I honestly believe

you're working at a deli?

That Raj is working at all?

He can't even work the register.

[all grunting]

-[Raj grunts]

-Raj!

We all do what we have

to do to get what we want.

Yeah.

-We want a certain lifestyle.

-[Mir] Yeah.

So I support anything you do

that guarantees it.

Just keep it out of my sight

and out of my life.

I don't need to know

how the sausage is made. Okay?

Okay.

Oh, my God, I love you so much.

You're so badass.

-I know. You're so lucky.

-[both chuckle]

-It's gonna be a beautiful wedding.

-[Bushra] I know, Ammi.

All of your decisions

were so good,

and you should just forget

about all of mine.

And I love this. And I think

you guys should get outta here.

So I think

you should bring it in.

-Give him a hug, Ammi.

-Just

-Okay, we're so close.

-Yeah, okay.

Okay. You guys should

just get outta here.

-Okay, I'll see you later.

-Lock your doors. Love you guys. Bye.

[all yelling]

[wood clatters]

-[Pho Bro] Hold him!

-[all yelling]

Let's go. He's taken care of.

Like, as in dead?

Like, very.

The Pho Brothers are trying

to k*ll you and Raj

for taking West Philly.

Wait, where is Raj?

Is he okay?

[Raj grunts]

-[kick thuds]

-[Raj grunts]

-[Prairie yells]

-[punch thuds]

-[Pho Bro yells]

-[Prairie grunts]

-[bones crack]

-[punch thuds]

-[intense music playing]

-[all grunting]

[Prairie yelps]

-[items clatter]

-[Prairie screams]

[Prairie panting]

sh*t. She's wearing a wire!

Grab the stuff and go!

[Pho Brothers clamoring]

-Prairie, what the f*ck?

-Raj, I can explain.

[tense music playing]

You're a rat?

I had a g*n to my head.

Well, not a literal g*n,

but I had no choice.

I thought you were innocent,

but after everything

that happened today,

I couldn't go through with it.

And I tried to stop you

from coming here.

You knew about this?

[Prairie] No, Raj.

Listen, there's no time.

The FBI's gonna be here

at any second.

FBI? What?

We have to get

the f*ck outta here.

Wait. Is

-Is this a trick?

-What? No.

-Prairie, howHow can I trust you?

-[Prairie] No! But

[tires screeching]

-[Prairie gasps]

-[Raj gasps]

-FBI!

-FBI!

-FBI!

-FBI!

[upbeat hip-hop music playing]

♪♪

[music ends]

[fanfare playing]

[fanfare plays]