01x09 - Shaadi Boys

[bunniefuu]

["Luna Mezz'o Mare"

by Lou Monte playing]

[singing in Italian]

-[neighbor 1] Chief Saab!

-[neighbor 2] Chief Saab!

[neighbors chattering]

[neighbor 3]

Chief Saab!

Remember, family's everything.

[neighborhood kid]

Thanks, Chief Saab.

Chief Saab, Chief Saab,

my mother, she's very sick.

Hmm.

Your mother's a good woman.

Take care of her.

Thank you. Thank you.

Chief Saab, Chief Saab.

[kisses hand]

My wife, she loves apple juice.

I may need a favor

from you someday.

Anything.

Chief Saab, Chief Saab.

I want to be just like

you when I grow up.

[Mir Dar]

That's a smart kid.

When he's of age,

bring him to me. I'll train him.

Yes, sir.

[both gasp]

["Luna Mezz'o Mare" fades out]

-[sign buzzing]

-[ominous music playing]

[Baba Dar] You're

not boys anymore.

You're Dar men.

Wear it well.

[voice echoing]

Alright, looks like

we got everybody.

Where's Ahmad?

Oh, he's at home getting

ordained online

so he can officiate

the ceremony.

Question, how are we supposed

to pay our debt

to the Peruvians without anyone

to move our coke?

And this was our final payment.

That's right.

We're almost out of the hole!

I'm gonna talk to our

Peruvian associates later today.

I'll explain everything

to them. They'll get it!

Oh, yeah.

They're real understanding.

I think I gained a little bit

of cred by outsmarting the Feds

and saving the business.

Don't you think?

You saved it from your

own brother's witch doctor.

[Ali] The Peruvians

will k*ll us if we don't pay.

Look, guys,

I know no matter how well I do,

you're gonna criticize me,

but I need you to trust me.

Okay? Business will be

back to usual very shortly.

Hey, well, how come

you're not letting Raj talk?

-[Mir] Hmm?

-Hey, Raj [speaks foreign language]

-We good?

-Is he still even your Co-Chief Saab?

Of course he is.

Raj, say something.

-Like what?

-See?

There's the zany

Raj we all love.

Oh, and I have a surprise

for you.

I booked a stretch Hummer

to bring you guys to

the wedding weekend,

-so you'll be in style

-[Maaliks exclaim]

-[Mir] for the two day ceremony.

-I love Hummer.

Great. See you soon.

So we're gonna k*ll

those two idiots, right?

-[Dawar chuckles]

-Yeah.

[funky upbeat music playing]

[g*nshots]

[b*llet shells clinking]

-[hip-hop music playing]

-[phone buzzing]

Hi. Please make it quick.

What the f*ck do you

think you're doing

leaving me off the call

and as the officiant,

you smug piece of sh*t?

You broke our trust

when you tried to k*ll Prairie.

She was a liability.

-She was a Co-Chief Saab's

-Twin flame.

I can't say that.

-Say it.

-Girlfriend.

What? Put, put Raj on the phone.

Hard pass. Forever.

Look, I think we're both done

talking about it.

Just get the money back

from the hitman.

That's an order.

-[birds chirping]

-[water trickling]

Oh, look at this sh*t!

Are you kidding me?

Fits like a glove.

Starving myself for three weeks

really paid off.

-Look at this.

-Wow.

You okay?

Run, Prairie. Run! Run!

[Prairie panting]

Maybe I should have

gone with her, man.

And miss the first

day of my wedding?

Not a chance.

Are you kidding me?

The next two days

are gonna be life changing.

-Yep.

-Enjoy it.

[Mir] I'm trying. I mean,

there's a lot going on.

I don't know if

I remember all the steps

for our Brother's Dance,

and I'm pretty sure

my mother-in-law still hates me.

Nah, what makes you say that?

She always gives me,

like, an awkward side hug.

It's very dismissive.

Hmm. Not me.

Seema gave you a full frontal?

[chuckles] Dude,

I couldn't tell you

where I end and she began.

But don't worry about that, man,

because today

she is gonna realize

that you, Mir Dar,

are the freakin' man.

Hey, as long as I

have my big bro

by my side, I'm good.

I got you.

-Let's do this sh*t.

-Let's go.

[somber music playing]

[golf ball thuds]

[Lucky] Sorry about

the mishap on this job.

Know that I do not hold

you responsible.

My nephew f*cked it up.

[assassin]

It got pretty crazy.

Soon as the kid smelled

the Drakkar Noir,

I knew it was over.

Murderwalla has gotta

change that sh*t up.

-[golf ball thuds]

-Reimbursement for Prairie.

Full hundred K?

Only for a loyal customer

like you.

Hey, I always have guys to k*ll.

[golf ball thuds]

My colleague, Bruno.

Colleague in wet work?

He's a f*cking

shark in the water.

-[golf ba*ls thudding]

-[ominous music playing]

-[upbeat music playing]

-To Mir and Bushra.

[all cheering]

-Come here, oh.

-Very sweet.

Very sweet.

Alright, my turn.

Let me get in this, come on.

-Okay.

-Oh, thanks.

Okay. [chuckles awkwardly]

[phone ringing]

Hold on, one second.

It's business.

-I have to take this. Sorry.

-What? What?!

Buenas t*rd!

Yes, distribution is not quite

up and running yet,

but trust me, we are on it.

So I'm humbly requesting

un poquito extensión,

por favor.

[phone beeping]

f*ck!

[panting]

[phone clatters]

[staff resumes chattering]

[sighs]

Oh, man.

Look, I'm flattered,

but let's not do it here, okay?

I don't wanna lose

the membership.

What are you, do

What are you doing?

Oh! God!

[grunting] What the hell?

[both grunting]

What do you want?

[groans]

Golf ball hit on Baba Dar.

Was it you?

What is he,

a boyfriend of yours?

-[Lucky grunts]

-[Bruno screams]

Okay, it was anonymous!

It was anonymous!

Who gave you the money?

[panting] It was,

it was a blind drop, okay?

[grunts] Look, there was a

an envelope with cash

and a picture

of the target's calendar book

with the, uh, tee time

written in it.

Show me.

[Bruno panting, grunts]

Can you [panting]

[Lucky]

Zoom in, Ken Doll!

[Bruno]

Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.

[Bruno panting]

Who the f*ck are you?

-[Bruno] Wait, there's mid-digital hair.

-Huh?

The guy, look, he's got hair

on his middle knuckles.

It's a rare genetic trait.

Oh.

[Bruno panting, sighs]

Hey, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Look, I know this sounds weird,

but you wanna maybe grab

a drink sometime?

-A drink?

-Yeah.

I should have just k*lled

you right now,

but you're just a little b*tch

doing your job.

Come on, Ali, pick up.

Pick up, pick up! sh*t!

Dude, there you are.

Why are you hiding back here?

Peruvians keep hanging up on me,

I don't know where

the Maaliks are,

even though they should be here,

and where is Lucky, man?

I need that money!

Mir, what are you doing in here?

Everyone's looking for you.

Hi, my love.

I'm actually just making sure

that the butter chicken

is buttery enough, and it is.

Good job, everybody!

It is our wedding day,

so do not run off like that.

-Okay?

-Okay.

Now come say hi to

my four cousins

with similar names and faces.

Oh, yay.

I'll text Ali.

Don't worry, I got this.

[chuckles] Hi. Well, salam,

it's Haris, Faris,

Qaris, and Nargis.

Hey, Ali bhai,

why you smoking that

like it's a little d*ck, bro?

[all laughing]

[Ali] f*ck you,

I'll smoke it how I like.

So how we doing this, huh?

Yeah, do we off Mir before

or after the ceremony?

Are we gonna k*ll

Raj too, or what?

I kinda like the guy,

even though he doesn't

do sh*t, man.

-[Dawar] Good vibes, man.

-[speaking foreign language]

[all cheering]

Cheers, chutiya.

[Maaliks chattering

and laughing]

[engine starts]

[tense music playing]

[wedding guests chattering]

[Lucky] They have hair

literally everywhere

except their mid-digits.

Look who decided to show up.

The shaman k*ller.

-Boys. I have something incred

-Incredibly important, right?

You know, every time you say that sh*t,

it turns out to be a lie.

-Yeah. And I

-[Bushra] Mir,

I want you to come meet

my chacha and dada.

Go enjoy yourself.

I'll handle Lucky.

You'll handle me?

When did you drop the

"Auntie" part?

You have the cash,

Auntie Traitor?

[upbeat music playing]

[bell ringing]

-[Raj Dar] Money for the Peruvians.

-[Mir] Thank you.

It is now time for

the Drinking of the Milk,

or Doodh Pilai.

[Patika] Oh, Nandika,

this is going to be you

and Raj in four years.

This is my favorite part.

Reminds me of our wedding.

-Oh.

-Oh, God, please, no, stop.

When you guys are romantic,

it makes my skin hurt.

[Matthew] Mir,

you must now bargain with Seema

and Bushra's two sisters,

Sadia and Amina

for a price on the milk.

If they're satisfied,

only then may you take home

your beautiful bride.

[laughter]

Let's start at $5,000.

[all cheering]

-Wow. Pretty steep.

-$5,000 is a lot.

But have you guys ever heard

of a $100,000?

[all exclaiming, cheering]

Did he say Did he say

Did he say 100,000?

What did he just

How much did you say?

[Seema and Bushra laughing]

Give him the milk!

[all cheering and applauding]

[Mir]

I hope that's oat milk. [laughs]

[cheering continues]

My son-in-law!

-[all cheering]

-I am in the family!

-[Mir laughing]

-[crowd cheering]

Did you just give her

the whole bunch?

Listen, 100 K is

barely making a dent

in our debt with

the Peruvians.

But Seema's respect

can last me a lifetime.

-Yeah, but that doesn't you gotta offer

-Raj!

I know what I'm doing.

-[Mir chuckles]

-If you say so.

[softly] Matthew, Matthew.

[loudly] Matthew!

Come here.

[Matthew]

What? What?

I have to tell you something.

God, I cannot believe

you're the first person I'm telling,

but you're all I got,

you white idiot.

-What's going on?

-Come here.

Baba's death was

not an accident.

-[golf ball thuds]

-[Baba grunts]

[tense music playing]

Someone hired a

specialized assassin

to crack him in the head with

Tell me who!

I'll f*cking k*ll them!

Calm the f*ck down.

It's definitely someone

inside DarCo.

It's definitely someone Brown,

maybe some lower-level-type

person

trying to make a move.

And the only other thing I know,

hair on their middle knuckle.

Let's find this hairy freak

and end them.

That's my boy.

[sniffles] For Baba.

I do not have time for this.

It's my wedding.

We made good on most of Baba's debt.

You know we're good for it!

[over phone]

We just need a week.

But I have heard that

Colombian coke

is cheaper and just as good.

So if you make our

lives too hard,

we might just start

dealing with them.

[phone beeps]

Get Chacho on the phone

[hip-hop music playing]

[Raj exhales forcefully]

Alright, man, you ready?

I don't know, man.

Uh I think I bought

us a minute

with the Peruvians.

No, dude, the dance.

The Groom's Brothers' Dance

will commence momentarily.

Go top off your drinks.

Oh. sh*t. Yes, yes,

yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

Um, okay, wait, wait.

In the breakdown, is it step,

step, turn, twist, turn, step,

or is it step, step, turn,

twist, turn, twist, step?

Just, just feel it out.

It'll be good.

Okay.

["Mundian to Bach Ke"

by Panjabi MC playing]

-What the f*ck is this?

-Hmm?

I thought we agreed

on Mustard Fields

by Talvin Singh.

-Did you change it?

-Dude, nobody wants

to hear that pretentious

bullshit.

This is a crowd pleaser!

Mir, no.

-No what?

-I'm not dancing to this sh*t.

-Matthew, turn it off.

-[Mir] No, no, Matthew,

-Matthew, keep it the way it is. Look.

-[Raj] Turn it off.

Just f*ck' do it.

Don't f*ck' talk to me

like that, okay?

You're not the boss of me, Mir.

I am the boss of you.

This is my wedding.

You know what?

You're being a f*ck' d*ck.

Hey, I'm trying to get us back

to making money again,

and it never f*cking ends.

And that's the price

of being the boss.

And you're sure as sh*t

not gonna make that sacrifice.

You're marrying the love

of your life. You won, Mir.

Okay, I've been stabbed,

beaten, robbed,

and I'm never gonna see

my twin flame again,

so don't you f*cking dare

tell me about sacrifice.

Really? Is that my fault?

-Hi.

-Huh?

Hi, beautiful outfit.

Or is it the guy

who was too high

to know his girlfriend

was a f*cking rat?

Don't you call her

a f*cking rat.

Hey, when were you gonna

tell me about

that little Tallahassee trip

you have planned?

You're spying on me now?

You're bailing on me.

That's not surprising,

because you've

always been selfish.

Hey.

[guests gasp]

-["Mundian to Bach Ke" continues]

-What the f*ck.

-Hey. f*ck you.

-Don't.

-Stop! Stop!

-[Raj] f*ck you. b*tch.

You piece of sh*t.

I'm gonna hit you in the d*ck.

-f*ck this, I'm out.

-Good.

[music stops]

-[Mir panting]

-[guests murmuring]

[Mir chuckles awkwardly]

I can do it!

I don't need anybody.

Okay.

-I can do this by myself.

-[Bushra chuckles]

Hit it!

["Mundian to Bach Ke"

resumes playing]

[guests murmur]

[feet tapping]

[guests exclaim]

[guests clapping rhythmically]

[all cheering]

[singing in Punjabi]

[cheering and clapping continue]

♪♪

♪♪

[guests]

Hey! Hey! Hey!

-[song ends]

-[all cheering]

Love you.

-[cheering and applause]

-[Mir chuckles]

-[reception continues in distance]

-[muffled music playing]

[Nandika] Hi.

Hi.

Thanks.

-I loved your dance with Mir.

-[Raj scoffs]

It was, like, super conceptual.

Shut up, give me that.

So I know you, like, hate me

because we're engaged

or whatever, but you can relax.

I'm not

I'm not gonna hold you to it.

Really?

Yeah. My parents are so annoying

about me meeting someone.

I just agreed to marry you

to shut them up.

Though it is insane

you don't wanna marry me.

I'm, like, so fun at parties.

[both chuckle]

But seriously, like, [exhales]

I would be totally happy

just having sex with someone cool

for the rest of my life.

-Same.

-[Nandika chuckles]

Seriously, like, I like myself,

so I wouldn't let tradition

control my life like that.

-Huh.

-What?

[slight chuckle]

Are you, like,

surprised I have depth?

Yeah, I-I actually am. Yeah.

That's okay.

I'm surprised you have depth too.

-Oh. Ouch. Mean.

-[chuckles]

I gotta go take

my drunk-a*s parents home.

They keep making out

in the middle of the floor,

and it's really disgusting.

Oh, God.

But, um, I'll see you

at the ceremony tomorrow.

I will see you there.

-Hey.

-Hey.

Look, I think we should talk.

You know what, dude?

It's fine, okay?

Today's your day.

But when this is all over,

yeah, we should talk.

Okay.

Well, the Maaliks

finally got here.

t*rd assholes.

Well, you should probably

go greet them, huh?

That feels right, doesn't it?

Chief Saab?

No. Hey, we're still

in this together.

Let's go give 'em

a Co-Chief Saab welcome.

Okay.

Are you allowed to

do that indoors?

-Dude, I can do whatever I want.

-Hmm.

-Where are these guys?

-I don't know.

[tense music playing]

[Maaliks whispering in car]

-Hey.

-Hello?

Open the door, man!

The child lock is on!

[all shouting over each other]

-Open the door!

-No! No! No!

[Raj]

Hey, what's happening, man?

[Maaliks shouting]

-[Hassan] Let's go! Come on, hurry up!

-[ominous music playing]

[Maaliks muttering]

[Mir gasps]

What is it? What is it?

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

[ominous music playing]

[breathing heavily]

-[paper rips]

-[Mir] "Last warning. Pay tomorrow."

[gasps]

[police siren wails]

What a f*cking sh*t show.

Dawar is just the beginning.

We're next.

[police radio chatter]

[approaching footsteps]

Sorry I'm late.

This looks like a problem.

It's nothing we can't handle.

You look a lot browner

than usual.

I got a refresh on the tanner.

I go weekly.

A little too fresh, maybe?

[dramatic sting]

[tense music playing]

["Bullseye" by MOO$H playing]

Yeah, bullseye, we got 'em ♪

They be hidin', we find 'em ♪

Whole team, it's no problem ♪

Suited up when we spot 'em ♪

Ain't no breakin'

these columns ♪

Got a crew and we wildin' ♪

Bullseye, we got 'em ♪

We got 'em, we got 'em ♪

We goin' straight

up the middle ♪

Not even budgin' a little ♪

We gotta stay on a swivel ♪

Never gon' pick up

the dribble ♪

Y'all better stay

in your lane ♪

Know that we bringin'

the pain ♪

It's funny,

they think it's a game ♪

We knock it right

outta the frame ♪

It's no time like right now ♪

-Stay dangerous ♪

-Stay dangerous ♪

Came in and we shook it up,

they can't hang with us ♪

Can't hang with us ♪

I'ma hit you with some free game,

don't play with us ♪

Don't play with us ♪

Everybody on the front line,

yeah they came with us ♪

-Yes, sir ♪

-Let's go ♪

Bullseye, we got 'em ♪

They be hidin', we find 'em ♪

Whole team, it's no problem ♪

Suited up when we spot 'em ♪

Ain't no breakin'

these columns ♪

Got a crew and we wildin' ♪

Bullseye, we got 'em ♪

We got 'em, we got 'em ♪

Bullseye, we got 'em ♪

They be hidin', we find 'em ♪

Whole team, it's no problem ♪

Suited up when we spot 'em ♪

Ain't no breakin'

these columns ♪

Got a crew and we wildin' ♪

Bullseye, we got 'em ♪

We got 'em, we got 'em ♪

Bullseye, we got 'em ♪

We got 'em, we got 'em ♪

Bullseye, we got 'em ♪

We got 'em, we got 'em ♪

[fanfare playing]

[fanfare plays]