Reach for the stars
and knock your opponent far.
Uh-uh, man,
I'm off the hook.
Send him to planet Pluto
to look down at Mars.
Freak out! Freak out! Yeah.
Now that's an emancipation
proclamation.
Yeah, dig it?
Well, I couldn't have said it
better myself, Raging Abe.
Back to you, Vern.
Nobody better lay their eyes
on the beautiful Mary Todd.
Raging Abe,
you been raging for years.
You ever find time to relax?
Mary Todd and I will relax
when boys and girls could rage
with reverence towards all
colors, creeds, and cultures.
Yeah. And not be reduced
to a hurtful stereotype,
like a boy from Brooklyn
dressed as a Navajo.
And I'm talkin' to you,
Tomahawk!
Yeah, you understand
what I'm saying?
COMMENTATOR 1:
Raging Abe is delivering--
Raging Abe.
COMMENTATOR 1:
...the Gettysburg Caress!
Gettysburg!
And adhere to the five
emancipations, yeah.
Have respect
for your fellow man.
Be good to your folks.
Stay in school.
Don't smoke drugs.
And don't do the crime unless
you're willing to do the time,
because the time you got,
may not be
that much time at all.
Yeah.
(INDISTINCT WHISPERING)
Uh-huh, yeah.
And they call me not-so-honest
Raging Abe, but I am.
I am honest and I'm tellin'
the truth, man!
We'll be right back.
(PEOPLE CHANTING)
EL DUQUE:
Now, you're probably thinking
this here is a wrestling story.
But you're wrong.
This here is a love story.
It's a story about a tank top.
(CROWD CHEERING)
(FIRE CRACKERS)
There it is.
Behold.
Rageamania.
Purple gold.
...for that, Abe.
Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to Wrestlemadness III!
(CROWD CHEERING)
EL DUQUE:
And it all began in 1988.
(GRUNTS)
Hey! Bada bing.
I'm the king of the ring.
Gabagool.
EL DUQUE:
I'll give Tomahawk this much,
my boy's got swagger.
Raging Abe's in trouble now.
But I'm not talking
about Tomahawk.
His disgraced opponent,
not-so-honest--
EL DUQUE:
He's been made the villain.
-...Raging Abe!
-EL DUQUE: The bad guy.
(CROWD BOOING)
I never lied!
EL DUQUE:
Whole crowd's turned
against him.
Except for those two:
Mark and Alex.
Friends for life.
And those lives are about
to change forever.
Honey, honey, look at me.
Look at me.
It's gonna be fine.
(BLOWS KISS)
I love you.
()
Yeah. Tomahawk,
yeah... (INDISCERNIBLE)
EL DUQUE:
Buckle up, kids.
You're about to take a ride.
()
I've been waiting
my whole life for this!
Yes!
(CROWD CHEERING)
EL DUQUE:
But then,
Alex's little sister happened.
Mindy!
YOUNG MARK:
Raging Abe gave that to us!
In your dreams, barf bag.
EL DUQUE:
She's mean.
Give my regards
to John Wilkes Booth.
Idiot.
EL DUQUE:
If it's always darkest
before the dawn.
-No!
-No!
EL DUQUE:
She's five minutes before dawn.
I'm sorry.
-Mary Todd.
-Mary Todd.
(GASPS)
sh*t, honey.
You're close
to the pyrotechnics!
(FIRE CRACKLES)
Somebody call
the fire department!
What are you idiots looking at?
(SCREAMS)
(FIRE FLASHES)
(YOUNG MINDY SCREAMS)
Oh, f*ck.
sh*t!
-Give me that, as*h*le!
-Hey, kid.
EL DUQUE:
It wouldn't be a very good story
if Mindy got over it quickly.
YOUNG MINDY:
You saved me, Mark.
And you left me to die!
EL DUQUE:
And the shirt was lost forever.
Until one day, all that changed.
()
(ALARM RINGS)
(FLICKS SWITCH)
I was 21 years
when I wrote this song
I'm 22 now,
but I won't be for long
Dang.
People ask you when will you
grow up to be a man
But all the girls
I loved at school
Are already pushing prams
I loved you then
as I love you still
Though I put you
on a pedestal
They put you on the pill
I don't feel bad
about letting you go
I just feel sad
about letting you know
I don't want to change
the world
I'm not looking
for a new England
I'm just looking
for another girl
(SIGHS)
Echo three to Echo seven,
Dave, old buddy, you read me?
ROBOT VOICE:
Good morning, Alex,
you have one new message.
(BEEP)
MINDY: (ON PHONE)
Wakey, wakey, idiot.
I just got back from Africa
and bagged myself a white rhino.
Apparently,
they're critically endangered.
Hashtag trophy room.
(MINDY LAUGHS)
MINDY: (ON PHONE)
Oh, speaking of trophies,
my next conquest is that
Raging Abe shirt
you love so much.
Remember it? Of course you do.
The one I fed to the wolves
at Wrestlemadness III?
(MINDY LAUGHS)
MINDY: (ON PHONE)
It just went up for sale
on Auction App.
Why am I telling you this?
The meat is far more delicious
when you give it chase.
I only want it
because you do, stupid.
History repeats!
()
(DOOR OPENS)
DENISE:
Three eyewitnesses,
no alibi, specific intent.
Every element is satisfied.
Your Honor,
he is a repeat offender.
Your response, counsel?
Watch this like
your life depends on it.
Because if I f*ck this up,
you do 10 in the pen.
Wait, what?
Your Honor, no warrant,
no probable cause to search
my client's shop.
It's a pet store.
It's not a bordello.
It's a clear violation of my
client's 4th Amendment rights.
We move to dismiss
with prejudice.
Counselor,
it is with great reluctance,
I'm gonna grant your motion
as it does look like
unlawful search and seizure.
Mr. Winters, that means
that you get to go home today.
It does not mean the next time
you add to your impressive list
of felonies, I won't slap
you with the maximum.
Do you understand:
Yes, Miss, Ma'am, Your Honor.
We good.
Case dismissed.
(GAVEL BANG)
(INDISTINCT CHATTERS
IN BACKGROUND)
Congratulations.
-Mary Todd!
-Mary Todd!
How we looking on Auction App?
-Ooh, we looking good, baby.
-Okay.
While you were talking
to the judge,
I paid an extra hundred bucks
out of your account
for auction sn*per.
It's all right.
It seems to be working.
Check it out.
Damn you, but I love it.
Love it. Denise.
Well, it looks like
you're finally
out of your losing slump.
Well, it does help that the
prosecutor is dating my client.
-(BLOWS KISS)
-DENISE: Not at all.
I would have put Mark away
for a decade if I could.
-Ooh.
-Why?
You were in court swiping
a dating app in front of me.
No! I was swiping in Auction
App, and we found the shirt.
Is this about
that wrestling shirt?
I was gonna ask the judge
for the maximum.
Yes, it's about
that wrestling shirt.
The shirt me and Alex
have been looking for--
for the last 30 years.
The end all be all of shirts,
so...
Huh. The shirt you said you'd,
uh, need before settling down?
Yes! No!
Well, I'm glad you said yes.
You see, this is what
I've been saying about
effective communication.
So glad we're working on this.
Okay, my turn.
I'm two weeks late.
Let's go get that shirt.
(LAUGHS)
You're not pregnant.
Well, you're the one always
saying "condoms make me sad."
They do. And I am.
Status update.
Talk to me. How we doing?
-Yeah, okay.
-How are we looking?
Let me boot it up here and
we are still in the lead, man.
Nice. Nice, how much?
How much are we--
we paying for this?
MARK:
Uh, well, you're paying $500.
ALEX:
I've got 50--
MARK:
Hey, hey, hey.
(DOOR SHUTS)
MARK:
Who's this bidder on our tail
"Bald Eagle k*ller"?
YOUNG MINDY:
You left me to die!
Mindy!
(LAUGHS)
No. No.
I pulled her out of the fire.
I should have let her burn!
And now she's gaining on us.
No way she goes a thouser.
Sorry grandma.
No oxygen
in the tank this month.
Dude, that is the max.
What do you think about Kevin
if it's a boy?
You're not pregnant!
-One minute.
-Ooh, look.
Bald Eagle k*ller
is totally backing off.
Bingo.
What about River if it's a girl?
-No baby.
-River. Time.
Time is a river.
It's time.
(INHALES, EXHALES)
COMPUTER:
You have been outbid.
Better luck next time.
What? (LAUGHS)
COMPUTER:
Goodbye.
(THUDS)
(LAUGHS, CRIES)
Oh! Alex!
Alex, hey!
Did we get the shirt?
No, dude.
We lost the shirt.
No, no, no.
Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex.
-Ma?
-Alex.
-Mom.
-Alex.
Buddy, come back to me.
Hey, buddy.
I think we can still
get the shirt.
I know a guy!
(GASPS)
What did you just say?
I said I know a guy.
He knows everything
about computers.
He can help us find the shirt.
-How?
-We need a name.
-We don't have a name.
-We got a screen name.
Where?
The winning bidder.
ALEX:
Fungirl247.
Enjoy this simple victory,
my sweet, for it will not last.
That shirt will be mine.
I swear it!
I swear it!
MARK:
Easy, buddy.
-We're pregnant.
-No!
(THUDS)
Show me your world
Tell me your mine
Give me a clue, dear
Please show me a sign
Hey, Alex.
Great shirt, buddy.
'Cause I need you dearly,
so let me speak clearly
Hi, Alex.
-Nice shirt.
-You want a drink?
-Have a drink.
-Kick the door down
-Of course!
-Thanks, girls.
Thank you.
And let me in
Bye.
People love
-Hey, guy!
-SKATER: Hey, Alex!
This is my dead wife's board,
-and I want you to have it.
-People see
People die to say what for
Thanks, man!
Let me in
-Mary Todd.
-Mary Todd.
(GLASS CLINKS)
People love, people see
People die
-Nice!
-Whoa!
-Into that.
-Let me in
Whoa!
People die
(KIDS LAUGHING)
Let me in
Really good!
Hey!
Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex
What do you think about
Alex if it's a boy?
Denise!
Lookin' good, Alex!
Thanks, Officer Bardi!
Here. Take her for a ride later.
Lookin' good
Nice!
Take her for a ride
All yours, kid.
Sweet!
Yo Alex!
You left a cigar burning
in the trash can over
at the barber shop.
Whole place went up in smoke.
I'm sorry.?
Hey, forget about it!
(TOGETHER)
Hey!
Mark, you forgot to lock up
the pet store last night.
All the animals were m*rder*d.
You're fired and
we're taking you to court.
Unless you let me in
Ah
People love
People love
People see
People see
People die
People die
(INDISTINCT SPEECH)
Oh, hey!
I love your shirt.
It looks great, isn't it?
-I got it!
-Hey, buddy.
-Mark!
-Mary Todd. We did it!
-We did it!
-I'm so proud of us.
Yeah!
I still get to wear the shirt
though, right?
Uh, later!
Yeah. Oh, sorry.
Crash and burn. Hey, Ruby!
Oh, that looks so good on you.
I know. Isn't that nice?
-Whoa! There he is!
-Alex, babe.
You're going to be a big star.
I'm putty in your hands.
I just want to get you paid.
Get me paid!
-Huh.
-Whoa.
-Hey guys, what's up?
-Alex. Wait, when--
-Hi, Alex.
-Oh, hi.
-I love your shirt.
-I love you.
Um, do you want to join us
on the couch?
Sure. What about this guy?
Uh...
Whatever.
I love your shirt
Whoa!
I love your shirt
-Oh, Alex.
-Hello. Hi.
Good to see. For me?
-Thanks.
-Hi, Alex.
Oh. What's happening, buddy?
-Hey, Alex.
-Oh, this is good.
Oh, you have a crumb
on your lip, Alex.
-(KISSES)
-Yeah, another one.
-Oh, I see a crumb, too.
-ALEX: Oh, fun.
-WOMAN 1: Me too!
-SUZY: Oh, my.
Can I wear the shirt?
(WOMAN LAUGHS)
(ALEX CRIES)
Alex?
Alex!
No!
(MINDY LAUGHS)
MARK:
Can I wear the shirt?
Where's my shirt?
(LIQUID POURING)
No.
No! Mindy, no!
(LIGHTER CLICKS)
Hey, big brother.
ALEX:
No.
-(FIRE FLASHES)
-ALEX: No! No!
Mindy, no!
No, no, not the shirt!
Burn me! Burn me!
-No!
-How does the fire feel, Alex?
-ALEX: No.
-Doesn't feel great, does it?
-Does it?
-(SCREAMS)
(GASPS)
Oh. Oh.
Good. You're awake.
All right, listen buddy.
We're gonna go meet
my guy, okay?
Who?
The guy! The guy! The guy!
Oh my god, I'm yelling.
Put this on.
We're leaving soon.
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
(CAT MEOWING)
Woke up,
everything's changed
Hey, Rob. Looking good, buddy.
Been busy?
My whole world
Yeah, me too.
Anyway, mom wants to thank you
for the clean slate.
Really appreciates it.
Looks like you're enjoying
the kittens.
Glad we could work that out.
Mean to pretend
Like this is
So, hey, Rob, look.
-ROB: Hold on.
-We need your help.
(VOMITING)
The Rageamania shirt?
That's the one.
-How does he know?
-He's that good.
All right.
What do I get?
Well, what do you want?
Puppies.
What?
You know, dogs, only younger.
-Mark? Puppies?
-Yeah, we can get some puppies.
We can get puppies?
I can take 'em
from the pet store, man.
-Oh. Yeah.
-How about three?
How's three?
(SCOFFS)
I mean, eight would be better.
But you'll take three?
My friend
Yeah, he lived in my
(RECORD SCRATCH)
-Forget it.
-Rob, come on!
Out of the question.
I'm not doing it.
What?
All right. I'll do it.
(BEEPING)
(TYPING)
Whoa.
MARK:
I told you, buddy.
Of course I found it.
There she is. Tyler Roberts.
Ooh, she's local.
That's good.
And we got a parcel arriving
at her residence at 1600 hours.
I got a tracking number.
Our carrier is a
25-year-old Caucasian male
named Greg, I f*cking hate
that name, Farentino.
All right.
So, what are we gonna do?
The way I see it,
you guys have only one option.
The boys, the boys,
the boys, the boys
The band, the band
that made them
The blood, the sweat,
the tears, the noise
The cause,
the rumors, the privilege
Give a big hand to
the boys in the band
As they try to work a crowd
MARK:
Holy sh*t. What are we gonna do?
How should we do this?
You go get that shirt, Alex.
Go get that shirt!
ALEX:
I'm just not sure
this is gonna work.
Not a very good plan.
(PANTS)
Okay, I can do this.
(ENGINE REVVING)
Holy sh*t! It's Mindy.
She's gonna harpoon the truck!
Not if we get there first.
Go, go, go, go, go, go!
Here goes nothing.
-I'm going.
-Wait!
Alex, let me.
She thinks she's gaining.
Are you sure, buddy?
Of course.
How could this not work?
(ENGINE RUMBLES)
(SCREAMS)
(ENGINE REVVING)
()
The boys, the boys,
the boys, the boys
The band, the band
that made them
The blood, the sweat,
the tears, the noise
The cause, the rumors,
the privilege
-The boys...
-Trophy room!
Yeah!
The blood, the sweat,
the tears, the noise
The poor girls
on their guest list
Oh, sh*t!
(ROPE STRETCHES)
(CAR CRASH)
EL DUQUE:
Mindy, she liked to hold onto
the past, you know what I mean?
Elijah?
EL DUQUE:
Like that time that--
Elijah? Elijah!
EL DUQUE:
Well, I ain't gon'
tell that story.
Whatever.
EL DUQUE:
We want kids
to watch this movie.
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
()
(VAN DOOR OPENS)
(VAN DOOR SHUTS)
-Yeah, what?
-Hey, how you doing?
Looks like I got a package for--
Uh, wait a second.
Uh, oh. The baby seal.
-Uh, so that's actually not--
-Sorry, this needs water.
Yeah, but I can't let you
just take that.
-A cloud.
-What's that?
(THUDS)
I got the shirt!
Mary Todd.
Gimme, gimme, gimme,
gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme.
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go.
(ENGINE REVS)
ALEX:
Wait. This address.
This address is wrong!
He delivered the wrong box!
MARK:
You hear that, Rob?
Turn this hooker around!
(DOOR LOCK CLICKING)
(DOOR SHUTS)
(VAN DOOR SHUTS)
We lose, look!
(KNOCKS DOOR)
ROB:
Does this mean no puppies?
MARK:
You still get half a puppy.
ROB:
Forget it.
I'd rather have no puppy
than see it come to harm.
Good answer.
You get a whole puppy.
Yes!
These colors don't run,
Fungirl247.
At least not very
far or for too very long.
(WATER RUNNING)
Greetings from planet Pluto.
This is Intercontinental
Wrestlemadness Champion
of the World, Raging Abe.
Uh-huh.
Coming at you
from beyond the grave
telling you to respect
your fellow human,
be good to your folks,
stay in school,
don't smoke drugs,
and send ol' Raging Abe's
tank top
to his very good best friends.
They really like that shirt
and would really
like to have it to wear,
like at the beach and stuff.
-Please call 555-235-3434--
-(PHONE RINGS)
At exactly five o'clock tonight
and leave a time
when my friends can pick it up.
Uh-huh.
Thank you and remember
don't do the crime.
(SIREN WAILS)
RAGING ABE: (ON PHONE)
Unless you wanna do the time,
because the time that you got,
might not be much time at all.
Mary Todd.
(INHALES)
ALEX:
Do you think that last Mary Todd
was a little-- little much?
MARK:
No, I think it was perfect.
ALEX:
Yeah.
Guys, this is the worst plan.
How could she say no
to the ghost of Raging Abe?
-Uh-huh.
-Nuh-huh.
-Uh-huh.
-Uh-huh.
(BOTH LAUGHS)
It's gonna work.
It can't not work.
Yeah. It's not gonna work.
It's the worst plan.
You shut up. Shut it up!
And five o'clock.
(CRICKETS CHIRPING)
(GRUNTS)
Guys, can I get you to take off?
I got a lot to do tonight.
I gotta feed the cats
and do some laundry.
Dude, this is Alex's house.
Ah.
She's not calling.
No. No, no, no, no.
No, no, no. Don't say that.
Hey, what if she thought
Raging Abe said a.m.
and not p.m.?
Let's wait it out.
(TAKES A DEEP BREATH)
(CRICKETS CHIRPING)
She's not calling.
()
I've gone to hell,
be back soon
I've gone to hell,
be back soon
To hell, be back soon
Sunburned beneath
the jailhouse moon
Sunburned beneath
the jailhouse moon
Got sunburned beneath
the jailhouse moon
Sunburned beneath
the jailhouse moon
There's a microchip
inside my soul
Got a lone beast
just to track you down
I spin alone in suffering
There's a slaughter
house comes
(INDISCERNIBLE)
BOOTH OPERATOR:
Better hurry,
'cause we're about to scurry!
(g*nsh*t)
BOOTH OPERATOR:
Oh, we got a winner everyone!
That one! That one! Yay!
Get your prize
before time flies!
I've been waiting my whole life
for this!
Woo-hoo!
Grab your g*n, flash your badge,
take what's yours,
and have some fun.
Now that's what we call
frontier justice!
Isn't that right, Alex?
KID 1:
She's in trouble now.
KID 2:
She's a goner.
(LAUGHS)
(INDISTINCT SPEECH)
(FOOTSTEPS)
(ALEX GRUNTS)
(PANTS)
(g*n CLICKS)
Yo, big dog!
We can't
just be k*lling people, okay?
No. I'm not gonna k*ll anybody.
I mean, you could. But--
ALEX:
I'm an attorney.
And that means
I'm an officer of the court,
and I have a warrant.
That's right.
We call this a lawful search
and seizure, baby.
Springtime,
the only pretty ring time
Birds sing,
hey ding, a ding a ding
Sweet lovers love the spring
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
-Officer?
-Jesus.
Uh, sorry. Self-care day.
How can I help you?
Ma'am, Officer Reynolds,
Portland PD.
We have a warrant
to search your premises.
Wait, what?
Seems there's reason to believe
that a tank top
worn at a triple homicide
was delivered here, this home.
Oh my god.
Not the Rageamania tank.
Mm. The same.
I'm afraid
that's state's evidence.
Thank Christ
I got here when I did.
-Yep.
-Would've washed it
and the whole case
would've been blown.
You got here just in time.
-Yeah?
-Take a look at this.
...to his very good
best friends.
TYLER:
It looks like the murderers
are trying to get it back.
Hmm. Nice try, assholes.
So, I called 9-1-1,
and they sent out Officer Bardi.
I can let him know you're here.
Excellent. Yes.
He'll be pleased to know
he almost bagged
the Southgate k*ller.
Oh, my god.
You have a seat,
and I will let Officer Bardi
know that you're here.
Take your time.
()
(EXHALES)
-(ENGINE REVS)
-(TIRES SCREECHES)
Springtime,
the only pretty ring time
Birds sing, hey ding,
a ding a ding
Sweet lovers
love the spring
-Boom.
-(DOOR OPENS, SHUTS)
Did you get the shirt?
No!
Don't do the crime unless you're
willing to do the time, buddy.
(SIGHS)
Hey, hey, hey, hey. Look at me.
You're great. You know why?
'Cause we got a new plan.
A good plan. Check this out.
So, apparently our girl
is a real Chatty Kathy.
We linked the Fungirl247
to a blind dating app called
"Who's There?"
and tomorrow night,
she's going on a date with
a guy named Big Steve Baron.
We, Rob, manipulated
their conversation,
changed the date and time, and
now they're not meeting at all.
He's going one place,
she's going the other.
She's gonna be at a restaurant
called La Petite.
(SPEAKS FRENCH)
(EXHALES)
So, she gets stood up?
How does this help us?
Look at me. You're cute.
No! She doesn't get stood up.
She goes on a date
with one of us!
Then we seduce her
back to her place,
bingo, Mary Todd, grab
the shirt, out the front door,
then it's off to the bar
for beers, buddy.
Okay.
What about Big Steve Baron?
He still goes on a date,
same time, different place.
With who?
Jorge.
This is offensive.
Agreed.
So, who goes on the date
with Fungirl?
Mustache or not,
she might recognize my face.
No problem. She's hot, right?
-I'll do it.
-Mm-mm-mm.
No. Alex, I need this.
We need somebody
that can play it cool.
You're right.
(TYPING)
No. Not happening, guys.
-Aww.
-Gah!
What? Fine! I'll do it.
Geez.
Mary Todd.
(MAKES NOISE)
(FOOTSTEPS)
Bonsoir, Monsieur.
Do you have a reservation?
Do I need one?
Look at this place.
It's empty.
Excuse me?
Oh. Hello.
My name is Big Steve Baron.
I believe you have
a reservation for me.
Yes.
Your party has already
been seated.
Follow me, please.
Remember what we talked about.
No eye contact.
f*cking look her
right in the eye.
Yeah. But no drinks.
We don't want you
getting all sloppy.
f*ck it.
Have a couple drinks.
It'll loosen you up.
Have two. Two drinks.
But then you gotta talk her up.
Yeah, get her
all hot and bothered.
Have her take you
back to her place,
slide into bed,
slide out of bed,
grab the shirt, don't grab her.
f*ck it, grab her.
No. Just get the shirt.
Do both. Mary Todd.
(LEAVES RUSTLES)
(FOOTSTEPS)
Hey, so buddy,
can I talk to you for a second?
Yeah, what can I do for you?
Somebody sh*t in the shitter.
Neat.
(THUDS)
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)
What do you see?
I think that's that Rob guy.
Uh, it looks like he's sweating.
Does Fungirl notice?
Um, he's getting up.
Oh god, he's shaking her hand.
She's wiping her hand
with a napkin.
Damnit. Where's Mark already?
Well, I love a blind date.
Anything's possible.
You hate me already.
Absolutely not.
Want to see a magic trick?
Sure.
Yeah.
That would be really neat.
(CHUCKLES)
You're funny.
So, how do you like this place?
This place is really neat.
Good evening, my lady.
Monsieur.
I am Rudy and I will be
your server tonight.
It's me.
So, for you both--
-Oh god.
-MARK: We have some specials.
What? What's he doing?
-We have something very special.
-Mark's there.
He's pretending to be
the waiter.
Roasted, ooh, in the middle
and a ooh, la, la sauce.
Oh, I'm telling you,
it's magnifique!
sh**t me in the face right now.
Red wine for you.
I promise you enjoy
this handsome, handsome boy.
So good looking.
Sir, the menu.
Hey, listen, she's hot.
ROB:
What are you doing here? Hey,
this isn't part of the plan.
This is part of the plan,
just do it.
Okay, I'll return with drinks,
yes.
Do you know him?
I doubt that I know him.
But he seems pretty neat.
(POURS WATER)
Huh.
Get over here. Now!
Oh. Yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah.
I' doing good. I'm doing good.
No.
(FOOT FALLING)
Mademoiselle.
Your martini. Enjoy.
Whoa. Whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa.
Easy cheetah.
Sir, just what do you think
you're doing?
Hey b*ner, your shoe's untied.
(GROANS)
Just give us the g*dd*mn shirt!
(GROANS)
f*ck!
(GROANS)
Just give us the g*dd*mn shirt.
Can't stop me!
Ow! Ow!
(MARK SCREAMS)
I'm sh*t, man.
I'm scum, okay?
I'm a chewed
piece of gum, Alex.
What do you want me to do?
Use your words, Mark.
Tell Alex how you feel.
Hey, it was me.
I messed it up. It wasn't you.
Just, go home, Mark.
Hey. Hey! I'm a human.
I have things I want, too, Alex!
Go home, Mark.
You give me a Mary Todd.
You give me a Mary Todd.
Come.
He's not gonna give me
a Mary Todd, is he?
Come on, let's go.
Come on. Let's go!
Mary Todd.
Let's go! I warned you.
Mary Todd!
(DOOR SQUEAKS)
(CUTLERY CLINKING)
(PHONE RINGING)
ALEX: (ON VOICE NOTE)
This is Alex, leave me
a message after the beep.
(BEEP)
ROB: (ON VOICE NOTE)
Hey Alex, Rob here.
You still moping, buddy?
Welcome to the c-l-u-b.
Listen, I did some digging.
I found the address
of the original seller.
I just texted it to you.
I don't know.
Maybe you'll learn something.
(BEEP)
Can I get you something?
(INDISTINCT CHATTER
IN BACKGROUND)
-ALEX: Bourbon.
-Rocks?
ALEX:
Neat.
Hey, strange question.
Any chance you know anybody
in here selling any kind of
Rageamania memorabilia?
You mean the tank top?
Exactly.
It used to hang over the bar.
Good god.
Of course it was.
Of course.
Sorry. It had to go.
What, you didn't like
Raging Abe?
MARY TODD:
Oh, boy.
I didn't like
the corporate g*ons
who kicked him to the curb,
made him a heel,
and sent him down
the spiral to his death.
No.
What do you mean?
"Not-so-honest Raging Abe."
Heh.
That's what they
were branding him as.
Once he blew the whistle on
all the hell behind the scenes,
and the awful messaging
to the kids.
I mean, it was really bad.
We tried to fix it.
We?
Yeah. I-- I was his manager.
Holy sh*t.
You're Mary Todd!
Uh, formerly.
I'm just Mary now.
I'm sorry.
I'm a little stunned.
This is amazing.
I mean, you're Mary Todd.
(SCOFFS)
You disappeared.
MARY TODD:
Let's just call it
an early retirement.
But a welcome one
after everything.
ALEX:
I mean, I can imagine.
Wow.
So, they forced
Abe to be a bad guy?
I was partly to blame.
I kept on pushing him
to fix the messaging
with four emancipations.
Be kind to your fellow humans,
be good to your folks,
stay in school,
and don't do the crime unless
-you're willing to do the time.
-You're willing to do the time.
-Because the time you got,
-Because the time that you got,
-might not be much time at all.
-might not be much time at all.
-You know it.
-I do!
No, since I was a child.
You know, I was
at Wrestlemadness III
the very last time that
he wore the iconic purple shirt.
BAR PATRON:
Hey, Mary.
Hey, boys.
Wait.
You said four emancipations.
What about the fifth?
Oh, the fifth is all my husband.
"Don't smoke drugs"
yet he smoked drugs.
Died of a massive heart attack.
Oh, I was devastated.
Yeah. It never used to be
a problem before.
But they kept demanding that
he turn a blind
eye and stick to the script.
What did you do?
We refused to.
Look, to us, wrestling was about
the people, not about the cash.
It's about
helping kids become better,
not about better ratings.
Absolutely.
You two were way
ahead of your time.
Yeah, well, we lost.
They changed his look, turned
the whole crowd against him,
and he hated it.
That's what started him
slipping.
-Terrible.
-MARY TODD: Nope.
Wrestlemadness III
was the start of the decline.
You know that
last purple tank top?
Yeah, after his death,
I found it.
And I hung it here
until it just became
too painful to look at anymore.
Yeah.
I know what you mean.
Listen, a first love
never comes around twice.
But we're all better for it.
And we keep on living for them.
That's how we carry on,
with a full heart,
not a heavy one.
I gotta go.
Thank you, Mary.
Thank you very much.
It's on me, kid.
I just ran into
Mary Todd at a bar.
We're not out yet.
What? You met Mary Todd?
Later. Let's go find out
what we're dealing with.
Alex, I'm so sorry.
Again, later.
Rob, we need gear,
state-of-the-art.
Communication, surveillance,
tactical, covert.
Everything we need,
nothing we don't.
(SCOFFS)
Rob!
Gah! God, I'll do it. What?
Let's go get our shirt.
Let's f*cking get it.
Mary Todd.
Mary Todd.
I'm gonna go jump on ya.
(SCREAMS)
-MARK: We're gonna get it!
-ALEX: Ah! We're gonna get it!
We're gonna get it!
-We're gonna get it!
-We're gonna get it!
-We're gonna get it!
-We're gonna get it!
(BANGS DESK)
(TYPING)
Well, the authorities have moved
her after your little stunt,
Officer Reynolds.
I'm sorry.
Yeah guys,
I can't track her new address.
-Ooh,
-(BEEPING)
ROB:
I've got a credit card
purchase from her
at the Elks Lodge Sunday.
Probably some kind of
music event.
How far away is the gear?
-Mexico.
-Mexico?
That's like 24 hours
from here, dude.
Rob,
there's gotta be another way.
Is this the only way?
I wish there were another.
'Cause my contact in Mexico
is unpredictable.
So, who's your contact
in Mexico?
El Duque.
El Duque.
(PHONE BUZZING)
Denise is calling.
She wants to video chat.
Hold on.
Hey, babe.
DENISE: (ON PHONE)
Hey, Mark. Wanna go for a ride
in my new minivan?
Room for us and all the kids!
Are you wearing mom jeans?
Yes, he does Denise!
Yes, he most certainly does.
-Mary Todd, ooh.
-Mary Todd, ooh.
()
Start with the heart
of a girl
Mixed with the heart
of a boy
Add a little moonlight
from above
(SIGHS, BREATHES HEAVILY)
Whoa.
You okay?
You want me to drive?
No, no, no, no, no.
I'm fine. I'm fine.
Just go back to sleep.
-(MAKES NOISE)
-I can't get comfortable.
One plus another makes two
Multiply by what
you're dreaming of
So, leave the door open
Let me in
People love
People see
Oh, this is nice.
People die
Hey. Great.
Let me in
Hi, Alex. Want a drink?
I wish I could, but I'm driving.
No, I'm not.
Yeah, I'll take one.
Thanks, Suzy!
Hey, Alex!
I got Raging Abe on the phone.
He wants to know what
time you'll be over.
Tell him I'll be over when I
sell this brick of gold I found.
You got it.
Hey, nice shirt!
Thanks, Hank.
Whoa, whoa, don't mention it.
-What's that thumping sound?
-(THUMPING)
Huh?
-(GASPS)
-(TYPES SCREECHES)
(BREATHES HEAVILY)
Is that what I think it is?
A lion? Elephant?
What is that, a giraffe?
(g*n c*ck)
Hey, big brother.
Mindy.
Trophy room.
(g*nsh*t)
Holy f*ck. Sorry.
NARRATOR: (ECHOING)
We'll be right back.
()
I'll crush Tomahawk
with my new Abraham slam!
Yeah!
I'm the last of the Mohicans!
New Wrestlemadness wrestlers
so close to the real thing,
you can feel the bada bing.
-Radical!
-Yes!
EL DUQUE:
Fair warning, my friends.
Everything that
follows from here,
even the gods remain unsure.
But know this, I never
said this story was a happy one.
Dangerous peril awaits
Alex and Mark as they disappear
into the Mexican abyss
of burned and sandy waste.
Entrusting their future to
an El Duque they've never met,
in a land they hardly know.
(WHIRRING)
EL DUQUE:
Lord, what fools
these mortals be.
(TIRES MURMUR)
DENISE:
Whoa.
You guys wait here.
(VAN DOOR OPENS, SHUTS)
-You all right?
-Yeah, yeah.
You know what?
You know what, Rob?
You need backup.
Mark, go with him.
-Me?
-Yeah, you.
Go. Go, go, go, go, go.
Jesus.
(VAN DOOR OPENS)
Morning.
(FOOT FALLING)
EL DUQUE:
You got what I want?
DENISE:
Oh sh*t.
What did we just smuggle
across the border?
I don't wanna know.
Open it.
(UNZIP)
What is this?
It's what you asked for.
You come here
with all these white people,
and you brought this?
It's what you asked for.
It's what you wanted.
Oh, okay.
He's-- he's really tired.
It was a long drive.
What the f*ck are you doing?
It ain't what I want.
It's what I need.
Well, what do you need?
I need a hug.
I missed you. I missed you!
I know.
Can y'all believe this sh*t?
I gotta ask my
snotty nose son for a damn hug.
Hey-- how-- what
kind of sh*t is that, man?
Sorry, dad.
Wait. What?
That's-- that's your dad?
You didn't tell me you
were cartel royalty, dude.
-This is great!
-Cartel royalty?
Man, you trippin'.
He ain't no cartel royalty.
He is Cocoa royalty.
Come on.
()
Best damn chocolate
in the world.
Everybody trying to steal
my m*therf*cking recipe.
No, no. But you,
you gon' drive 20 hours
to bring donuts in a bag, man.
Unboxed.
Got the bear claws
rubbing against the maple glaze,
all smushed together
and stuff, man.
You know, you k*lling
your mama with this bullshit.
Look at that.
Sprinkles all around the bag.
Forget it!
Come on, Junior.
Come on.
ROB:
Sorry, dad, we ran out of time.
(INDISTINCT SPEECH)
Look, look.
Are you really my son?
I think so.
All right. 'Cause I--
I seen the test results
and you-- you said you're mine,
so you-- you got a nappy beard,
and I hope you got
a big d*ck to go with it.
ALEX:
We should be getting
back just in time.
According to the info
that Rob got us,
Fungirl's been relocated.
But we know she's got tickets
to an event
tonight at Elk's Lodge.
Row B, seat five.
Be on the lookout.
As soon as one of you
recognizes her,
tail her back
to her new address,
and move to the
final stage of the operation.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER
IN BACKGROUND)
(SNAPS FINGERS)
-Oh. Uh, can you get that?
-Yeah, yeah, I'll get it.
Pay for this. It's-- yeah.
-Where are we?
-I don't know.
You hear that?
I do.
(PEOPLE SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY)
(WRESTLES GRUNTS)
(THUDS)
(CROWD CHEERS)
()
"Underworld Wrestling,
established 1988,
weekly matches, blood,
guts, and glory."
Is this for real?
Why have we never heard
about this?
(BANGING WRESTLING STAGE)
(CROWD CHEERS)
Time, you little sl*t,
you little wh*re.
I want my 40 years back.
This is where
God spends her Sundays.
And Judge Lovett apparently.
Welcome, welcome, welcome
to Underworld Wrestling!
(CROWD CHEERS)
-Mindy!
-Where?
Right there.
ANNOUNCER:
I would like to thank
our military heroes
for coming out on Veterans Day!
Follow me.
And now, are you ready
for the house of action?
(CROWD CHEERING, CLAPPING)
My doctor says I should
take the rest of the day off.
Ugh. Give me that.
We'll deal with that later.
This Fungirl247
will be here any minute,
and I want that
shirt torched by midday.
(MINDY GASPS)
Let me see!
(GASPS)
Mark.
(SNIFFS)
ANNOUNCER:
Oh, yeah.
(ANNOUNCER LAUGHS)
Mindy spotted us.
ANNOUNCER:
Come on!
Who's that pregnant
b*tch next to him?
ANNOUNCER:
It's time for your
semi-main event.
(EXHALES)
That baby should be
in my uterus.
-ANNOUNCER: Introducing the--
-Mindy.
She's definitely going to try
and intercept.
"Not-So-Rowdy Rowdy
Pipefitter!"
(CROWD CHEERING, CLAPPING)
Listen, don't worry about Mindy.
Okay, you keep
your eyes on the prize.
I'll grab a snack.
Radio my earpiece
if you get eyes on Fungirl.
ANNOUNCER:
"The Pugilist!"
(CROWD CHEERS)
Hey.
-Mary Todd.
-Mary Todd.
()
(THUDS)
(CROWD CHEERING, CLAPPING)
These guys are stalking
the prey.
We have to get them out of here.
Perfect.
Ooh, we got her.
Row B, seat five.
Curly hair, porky piglet.
Robby, can you confirm?
Yep. It's a fully
licensed therapy pig.
Wait, so we got her?
Yeah. We got her.
One "California 'rito."
Yeah.
DENISE: (ON AIRPODS)
Alex, we got her.
Over.
Copy that.
Keep your crosshairs on her.
She looks sad.
MARK:
She does look sad.
ROB:
Why does she have a photograph?
I don't know.
Looks like an old guy.
MINDY:
Ladies and gentlemen.
And our dear combat veterans.
Have a look at these lovebirds!
Oh.
We just got word that these
two are having a baby boy.
(LAUGHS)
The new father is Mark Winters.
Mark was a fellow marine who was
given a dishonorable discharge
in 2001 after abandoning
his platoon in Afghanistan. Oh!
What a happy family they make.
And, oh, what's this?
We just got word
that Mark is naming the boy
Adolf Himmler Bin Laden.
(CROWD BOOING)
Well, how about we let
one of our combat veterans
show Adolf's coward father
what it means to serve.
Shall we?
Come on, you guys! Shall we?
Let's bring out
Purple Heart recipient,
who was wounded
on the b*ttlefield
the day Mark left his post,
Lieutenant Elijah Walker!
(CLAPPING, CHEERING)
You're a real inspiration, sir.
What?
I was there! You left us to die!
What?! No!
I was in the Boy Scouts!
I'd better not find
one scratch on that hero,
you yellow-bellied coward!
All right!
I lost her.
What? No, I can't hear--
(GROANS)
My 'rito.
Abraham Lincoln
just raged on your 'rito.
Abraham Lincoln?
Best name ever, right?
Oh, you have no idea.
(LAUGHS)
ALEX:
I adore you.
Oh, well you just met me,
but I like it.
Here.
Let me buy you another burrito.
You don't really
call 'em 'ritos, right?
No, never.
That's just what they
call them on the menu.
Sure.
Really!
Buy me my 'rito, pig lady.
(LAUGHS)
And their opponents weighing
in at a collective 500 pounds,
Sloppy Seconds and
Raaaaaaaaspberry Beret!
SLOPPY SECONDS:
Ooh-wee.
-(LAUGHS)
-Yeah, that's a negative.
SLOPPY SECONDS:
Come on.
Let's see some wrestling!
You boys gonna die!
(LAUGHS)
Uh-oh.
You tag to enter.
If I don't see it, you stay out!
Okay!
All right.
Come on you crippled f*ck.
Send it, okay?
One bruise, you lose, hippie!
This is getting kinda serious.
I'm gonna need your help here,
all right buddy.
(EXHALES)
(THUDS)
Jesus.
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa!
Hey, hey! Elijah, tag me now!
(SCREAMS)
There it is. There it is!
(LAUGHS, SCREAMS)
I'm alive!
You guys are in trouble.
MAN 1:
Come on. That's the one.
(SQUEALS)
I never saw
the sex tape with Tomahawk,
but I'm glad that
you lead with it.
It was hilarious!
At one point,
Tomahawk is sexing this woman
and he's rubbing his stomach,
and he says,
"Damn, I really shouldn't
have eaten that burrito."
(LAUGHS)
I have got to watch this.
Well, we should.
I own it on VHS.
We should watch it tomorrow.
Yeah.
You wanna grab a drink?
Church Bar. Seven o'clock.
See what's good?
I'll be there.
Sans Abraham.
I love that you bring
your pig to wrestling.
I'm Alex, by the way.
Tyler.
Tyler Roberts.
(PIG SNORTS)
(THUDS)
(GRUNTING)
(SCREAMS, GROANS)
(GRUNTING)
It's real!
(THUDS)
(GRUNTING)
Oh, no!
(SCREAMS)
(THUDS)
(CROWD CHEERS)
(GROANS)
()
If he dies, you die.
(BONES CRACKS)
-(GRUNTS)
-Look at me
Flyest fly
in my whole galaxy
Back in awe with this man
just like me
So, here's my number.
I left my jacket in there.
-I'll see you tomorrow?
-Yeah.
All my claws
are just so velvety
(EXHALES)
Oh yes they are
Hey.
I f*cked us.
Run to the car.
Alex, we gotta go now!
Right now.
()
(DOOR OPENS, SHUTS)
Tyler Roberts.
Damn.
ROB:
All right.
We know she's been relocated.
So, if we just wait here 'til
she leaves, we can follow her.
Look, there she is.
All right guys, look alive.
Let's get out of here.
Let's go.
DENISE:
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
I'm getting out.
(DOOR SHUTS)
I've got a better idea.
You guys tail Fungirl.
I've got a date with Mindy.
()
Will he live?
I doubt it.
Don't spend too much time
in the hospital, Elijah.
This isn't a f*cking vacation.
(SCOFFS)
(DOOR SHUTS)
(THUMPS)
(SIREN WAILING)
Adolf Himmler Bin Laden?
You like that? Let me guess,
you thought you could just,
what, help get the shirt
and Mark would love you?
(LAUGHS)
Oh my god.
Be with you?
News flash, b*tch!
He saved me!
Loves me!
That's my baby.
No, Mindy.
I've got your baby right here.
(FIRE FLASHES)
And Mark isn't here to
save you from the flames.
(SIGHS)
What? You-- you're gonna
try to burn me with that flare?
(CHUCKLES)
Oh, this? No, this is
just to distract you.
I'm actually gonna burn
your face off with this mace.
(SPRAYS)
(SCREAMS)
(MINDY SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY)
MINDY: (SHOUTING)
You wh*re. You're never
gonna get away with this!
Let me out! Let me out!
DENISE:
It's called plausible
deniability, Mindy.
(CRICKETS CHIRPING)
(ENGINE REVS)
(LEAVES RUSTLING)
(TIRES MURMUR)
ALEX:
Hey, guys.
About this Tyler Roberts.
What about her?
She's pulling in.
Man, never mind.
Are you getting this address
down, Rob?
Way ahead of you, Mark.
Here's a floor plan
of the house.
It's a three-story
Victorian-style mansion
built in 1895.
Current resident:
Ethel Roberts.
Spinster.
The house appeared
in the last month's issue
of Classic Home Magazine,
and some believe the old mansion
to be haunted.
Haunted.
Yeah.
I'm shittin' my d*ck.
Okay. So, let's regroup here,
2300 hours, yeah?
That's 11 p.m.
Yep, yeah, yeah.
-11 p.m., that's right.
-All right, let's go.
()
MARK:
All right, Mansion.
Here we go.
The shirt's gonna be in
the safest place in the house.
That's either here or here.
ROB:
Let's do it.
Whoa! Rob, not at all!
Jesus!
Mark, continue.
It's raining
It's raining
The trees are swaying
I'm done.
Go! Go!
Ooh, ooh, ooh
It's raining
It's raining
The sky is...
ROB:
Glass cutters.
Draining.
(SCREECHING)
Jesus.
Stop that.
It's not working.
It's gonna work fine.
Just give me a few more minutes.
No, stop.
It works fine.
Let me work it.
(GLASS SHATTERING)
We're in, b*tches.
()
Bingo, baby.
Come on.
(MARK GRUNTS)
MALE VOICE 1:
You will fulfill the prophecy.
(INDISTINCT SPEECH)
()
MALE VOICE 1:
You've been open to us now.
All right.
Let's split up.
Rob, you're down here.
-Mark, come with me.
-Right.
-Down here?
-Shh.
Remember the plan.
But you're leaving me.
Shh.
Hey.
You're great.
Go!
(WIND HOWLING)
ALEX:
What are you doing?
This looks like your mom.
That's a vag*na.
I know.
(LAUGHS)
(THUD IN DISTANCE)
-You hear that?
-I did.
Someone might be up.
Grab your motion sensor.
All right.
(BEEPING)
Anything?
Nothing.
Not a shiver.
()
(THUD IN DISTANCE)
(BEEPING)
(EXHALES)
It's-- it's broken.
ALEX:
Hey.
Did you find anything?
MARK:
Coupon for a free triple scoop
at Randle's.
ALEX:
Never mind all that.
MARK:
f*ck it.
I'm keeping it.
ALEX: (ON SPEAKER)
No triple scoop
until we get that shirt.
MARK: (ON SPEAKER)
Hey, this looks like your mom.
ALEX: (ON SPEAKER)
You already said that.
(LAUGHS)
(STATIC)
ALEX: (ON SPEAKER)
This is what we're doing.
(STATIC)
MALE VOICE 2: (ON SPEAKER)
We'll m*rder the one downstairs.
MALE VOICE 3: (ON SPEAKER)
I'll slit his throat
on the count of three.
One, two, th--
ROB:
I don't need that on.
(THUD IN DISTANCE)
(WOMAN SCREAMING IN DISTANCE)
(THUD IN DISTANCE)
()
KIDS: (DISTORTED VOICE)
La, la, la, la, la, la
()
SALLY ROBERTS:
Who is there?
Puss-puss?
Meow.
Come here, sweetie.
Come to mama.
SALLY ROBERTS:
Bad p*ssy.
Waking up mama.
Oh, that's so nice of you,
sweetie.
(PURRS)
Let her touch your head.
(LIQUID SPILLING)
SALLY ROBERTS:
Oops.
We have an accident!
I'm in her bedpan!
(GASPS)
SALLY ROBERTS:
And that's why mama loves you,
'cause you don't mind her
little messes.
ALEX:
Roll with it.
-Meow.
-SALLY ROBERTS: Damnit.
Oh, what a mess.
TYLER:
Grandma?
It smells like a corpse.
-SALLY ROBERTS: Tyler!
-TYLER: You okay?
SALLY ROBERT:
I messed again.
ALEX:
Abort. Abort!
Mark, quit screwing around!
SALLY ROBERTS:
Kitty!
MARK:
Grab my feet.
SALLY ROBERTS:
Tyler!
TYLER:
I'm on my way!
MARK:
Whoa!
MALE VOICE 4:
You can do this!
Yeah!
Rob! Quit screwin' around!
Let's go!
()
Shields absorbing black
No happiness in me
Jesus Christ.
The healing never comes
Did you guys see those ghosts?
Not now, Rob.
I saw one.
My tears go unnoticed
I saw a few.
Damnit.
We were so close.
Ugh.
I need that shirt.
I need that shirt.
(SNORES)
(COUGHS)
(YAWNS)
It's amazing how well you sleep
when you're crying.
Yes, I know.
Oh man, I gotta go.
(SIGHS)
What are you looking at?
All I see is darkness.
Jesus, have you slept?
Have a good day, Alex.
Whatever.
MALE VOICE 5:
He passed the mark.
()
What-- Oh!
Not the Gettysburg Caress!
No!
Sleep. Sleep.
Well, that's love, callin'
Ain't no way you can get by
-Best date ever.
-Sure was.
(LAUGHS)
You might as well give love
a try
That's love
The girl's in love,
the boy's in love
Hey, hey
ALEX:
I'm in love, you're in love.
Carl Weathers' finest work,
ladies and gentlemen.
You thought it was Predator,
Rocky, Baby Yoda,
but you would be wrong.
If it sings, we can k*ll it!
Woo!
All right everybody.
We're gonna take a short break,
grab a drink, enjoy your lives,
and we'll be right back.
(GLASSES CLINKING)
So, which useless super power
would you rather have?
The power to ignite
a tiny firework
in front of your face
at any moment--
Uh-huh.
But when you do, you
immediately sh*t your pants.
(LAUGHS)
Or would you rather--
Or! Or! Or-- or you have the
power to summon a swarm of bees,
but when you do,
they immediately attack you.
Or would you rather have
the power of invisibility--
Hmm.
But when you use it,
you're only invisible
to beautiful women.
Yes.
I feel like I have that power
already.
Look, I'm using it right now.
But I can still see you.
I know.
Oh.
Okay.
(BOTH LAUGHS)
I had to.
(GLASSES CLINKING)
Well, I had a great time
tonight.
TYLER:
You're leaving now?
You haven't even seen the inside
of my house yet.
You're right.
I haven't.
Oh, and hello,
wrestler sex tape!
Come on. Let's go!
Oh, yeah. Wrestler sex tapes.
Wow.
Look at these tapes.
TYLER:
Grandma, we're home!
Jack the Serpent, Womankind,
The Mortician,
Not-So-Rowdy Pipefitter.
Yeah. My parents never threw
anything away.
Whoa.
Raging Abe, the interviews!
You've got Raging
Abe's most raging moments.
We have to watch this!
I have never met a guy
that chose Raging Abe
over raging porn, but okay.
I haven't seen this
since I was a kid.
I wonder if it's gonna play
on this TV.
(RATTLES)
(PIG SNORTS)
-Pluto!
-Yeah.
You wanna come watch?
(TYLER CHUCKLES)
Oh my gosh.
-Yes.
- Yeah, dig it.
So, this is where Raging Abe
defies all expectations.
I mean, we all think
that he's this '80s heel,
but he's actually the most,
like,
evolved sports entertainment
celebrity of his day.
HOST: (ON TV)
Raging Abe has been
raging for years.
You ever find time to relax?
Raging Abe can't
relax when he sees--
ALEX: (LAUGHS)
Yes.
His fellow ladies being treated
like dirt on the dailies.
HOST:
Well, I couldn't have
said it better myself.
Ladies and gentlemen,
my dear friend,
Wrestlingmadness legend,
Raging Abe has died.
He'll be forever missed
by his legion of fans
and his dear wife, Mary Todd.
Are you okay?
I'm sorry. It's--
What's wrong?
My dad just died.
Oh.
Carcinoma.
We knew it could be any day now.
And during his treatments,
he would always preach
the five emancipations.
His favorite,
"Don't smoke drugs."
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
(SIGHS)
It has been really nice hanging
out with you tonight, Alex.
It's just being able to
take my mind off of everything,
even just for a minute.
I have been going
crazy organizing this wake.
It's got to be perfect.
Anyway, dad, always
used to joke about his funeral.
He would say,
"Don't dress me in a suit, just
bury me in my Rageamania tank."
(LAUGHS)
I miss him.
I know how you feel.
You lost someone?
My wife.
She got sick.
Cancer?
No. Bailey's.
We were traveling
through India by train.
(TRAIN HORN)
And I was holding her head out
the window so she could puke,
and I didn't even
see the train go by.
Boom!
We never did find the head.
Uh, I am so sorry, Alex.
(EXHALES)
I'm sorry about your dad.
Nice try, assholes.
I am so sorry that you
feel the need to lie to me.
What?
You've been lying to me
since you met me, Alex.
You want my dad's shirt.
It was you and your friends.
You tricked me on that date.
You're an attorney.
You showed up at my house
dressed like a police officer
so that you could
take it from me.
Did you think that--
that stupid mustache
made you a master of disguise?
Tyler, I don't know what to say.
I wanted that shirt.
I wanted that shirt more
than I wanted anything.
I never expected to find--
find you.
I-- I never expected
to feel this way.
My father's funeral
is tomorrow at Old Mill Falls.
I am burying
him in that shirt, Alex.
That is how this ends.
And that is
exactly how it should end.
-TYLER: You should go.
-I-- I'm sorry.
I don't--
I don't know what to say.
Go.
EL DUQUE:
How savage is your midlife,
Alex?
There it is.
Rageamania, the purple gold.
RAGING ABE:
I never lied!
(FOOT FALLING)
(DOOR SHUTS)
EL DUQUE:
Tortured by his choices,
there was only one thing
that was going to make Alex
change his mind.
(RADIO STATIC)
So let me speak clearly
Kick the door open
And let me in
People love
We've got one more chance.
The boys, the boys, the boys
Yes! Yes, buddy!
The band,
the band that made them
(MIMICS g*nf*re)
The blood, the sweat
The tears, the noise
Yeah! Yes, buddy.
You canoodled your
way to the funeral.
Well, the funeral is
tomorrow morning, first thing,
and all of my suits are
at the cleaner 'til Tuesday.
So, how are we gonna
get me a black suit?
I know a place.
Boogie Woogies.
24 hours.
They got everything.
Take a right up here.
(TIRES MURMUR)
(ENGINE WHIRRING)
It's got everything.
(ENGINE STOPS)
(CAR DOORS OPEN)
It's down there, honey.
I'll get it for you.
Well, you got your 12-inch
dildos, your 10-inch, your five.
Plunger-pals, a**l invaders,
a**l nitrate, a**l alien.
That's for you sci-fi buffs.
Dolores, please.
a**l apples,
we have alien Andy d*ck,
we even have an actual an*s.
It's a fake.
It's fake.
Um, actually, we need a suit.
Fetish.
It's in the back.
-Follow me.
-I'll get it.
You always get it.
We tend to run out of a lot
of stuff being it's Easter.
Here we are.
Vintage Star w*r.
Uh, three Han Solo,
uh, two Chewbaccs,
and 39 Jar Jar Binks
from The Final Jedi.
(LAUGHS)
Dolores thought they'd be a hit.
They weren't a hit.
You gotta give it time.
I-- time.
Plenty of time.
Sure, but we don't have a lot.
What we're looking for is a, uh,
a black suit like, uh,
James Bond or a gangster.
Something black.
It's for a funeral.
For a funeral?
Like with someone who dies?
Weird.
Hold on.
DOLORES:
I know where that is.
ALEX:
This was a bad idea.
Hey! Hey! Hey!
What are you doing?
Huh?
You backing out on me?
It's our shirt, Alex.
You're right.
Shirt belongs to us.
Mary Todd.
Cash or credit?
Mary Todd.
Cash.
Hey! Is this big enough for you?
(GULPS)
It's perfect.
God, I hope so.
()
All right, this is it.
We've been over this
a hundred times.
It's all up to you now, Alex.
Hey, hey, hey,
hey, hey, hey, hey. Hey.
You know this.
You know what to do.
Look at me!
I'm proud of you.
Give me a kiss.
(SCOFFS)
Later. Later.
I get back here, we run.
This is gonna work, okay?
It all boils down to this.
Wish me luck.
Go get that shirt, Alex.
Go get it for Kevin.
Or River if it's a girl.
Alex.
Mary.
Todd.
Show me your world
Tell me your mine
Give me a clue, dear
There he goes.
'Cause I need you dearly,
so let me speak clearly
kick the door open,
and let me in
You just can't
stay well enough away.
The shirt stays with my dad,
Alex.
If I wanted the shirt...
you wouldn't even know
I was here, Tyler.
So, what is this?
(SIGHS)
This is me showing you
that I'm here for you.
To celebrate your father
at his funeral.
Viking style funeral.
What?
A historically accurate
Viking style funeral,
where we will push
our honorable dead downstream
on a wooden raft, and then
torch it with a flaming arrow.
We will then watch
as the burning body
plummets over the waterfall
and crashes violently
below into the riverbed,
exploding into
a thousand thunderous pieces.
From there, the dead
shall ascend into Valhalla
where it will rest forever.
(CHUCKLES)
Cool.
Or ideally that's,
uh, that's the plan.
TYLER:
It was dad's final wish.
And that's how this ends, Alex.
Remember what we talked about.
Go up to the body,
pay your last respects,
hug him like you miss him,
pull out the ringer shirt,
perform the swap Houdini-style.
Houdini.
His final wish.
God, I'm gonna miss him.
He made me laugh so much.
Kinda like you, Alex.
Like me?
Actually, he would have really
liked you.
You remind me of him.
God, I miss him.
Oh, baby.
Houdini!
He didn't have to go so soon.
Why did he have to go so soon?
If anyone ever needed anybody--
Why did he have to leave me?
It's time to let him go now,
Tyler.
Thank you, Grandma.
Do you want to help me
send him off, Alex?
Houdini.
Houdini.
Let's send him off.
Thank you, Alex.
()
Bye, daddy.
Tyler, I'm sorry.
Shh. It's okay.
I don't want the shirt.
-I want--
-Yeah, me too.
MARK:
I'm gonna get the shirt!
-ALEX: No, Mark!
-TYLER: Is he with you?
Uh, yes, but--
Buddy, no! Mark!
TYLER:
They're lighting the raft!
Oh hell. Mark! Mark!
Get out of there!
(GRUNTS)
(GROANS)
ALEX:
Mark!
What?
The falls!
What?
Oh sh*t.
Hold on dead guy!
Ah!
(SCREAMS)
It's all my fault.
EL DUQUE:
And that dusty old shirt
was lost forever.
()
He did it.
Come on!
(SCREAMS)
Come on!
(SCREAMS, GRUNTS)
Oh my god, what is he doing?
(SCREAMS)
Mark, no!
Leave the shirt!
Gettysburg.
Alex.
I did it.
Why is your fist balled up?
I can't let you leave
with that shirt, Mark.
It stays right here
with Tyler's father.
What?
He's gone!
What are you doing?
Huh?
You giving up on Rageamania,
huh?
It doesn't belong to us, Mark.
You are my brother.
This shirt, the shirt is ours!
It's been ours
since Wrestlemadness!
Maybe for a moment in the '80s,
but not anymore.
The shirt stays here.
This shirt's been pulled off
of one dead body today.
And that's the only way
you're getting it off of me!
Look, I get it.
I get it.
You and I have been looking
for that thing for 30 years.
Okay.
Think about what it's taken
just to get to this moment.
But dude,
that shirt's made you crazy.
And we've forgotten,
I've forgotten about
what's important.
It's about the people, man.
It's not about that shirt.
It's about being better.
I understand, man,
you start focusing on
one thing your whole life,
next thing
you're getting blindsided.
(SCREAMS)
Oh!
(SCREAMS, GRUNTS)
(SCREAMS)
Mary f*cking Todd!
()
(WHEEZING)
I tried.
I know.
DENISE:
Mark!
That is not effective
communication.
Give the shirt back to her
and apologize to Alex.
Yes, ma'am.
Sorry, Alex.
(WHEEZING)
I think you've earned this.
(WHEEZING)
(BOTH LAUGHS)
You look like sh*t.
()
I love you.
(LAUGHS)
()
(INDISTINCT LYRICS)
Look, Tyler,
I'm glad everything worked out,
between you and me,
the new shirt, my new teeth.
-I just wanna say one thing.
-Hmm.
Shh.
Martini, Alex?
Don't mind if I do.
(GLASSES CLINKING)
EL DUQUE:
Alex and Tyler live happily
together in Portland, Oregon
with Abraham.
()
(CROWD CHEERING)
Woo!
Are you ready for tonight's
main event?
It's Law Dog
versus Lady Justice!
VINCE:
Well folks,
looks like Lady Justice
is feeling feisty tonight.
Mary, your thoughts?
Oh, that's right Vince.
Looks like Lady Justice
is taking ole Law Dog
down to pound town.
I'd spend every moment
of my life with you--
EL DUQUE:
Rob eventually received
those puppies
and has since trained them
to sniff out ghosts.
GHOST:
Please all these poor puppies
in--
(LASER sh**ting)
GHOST:
(INDISCERNIBLE)
But I'll be back.
EL DUQUE:
He's now a successful
paranormal exterminator.
Thank you, sweetie.
EL DUQUE:
A day later,
Mark was k*lled in a fistfight
about an expired coupon
at Randle's.
WOMAN 3:
Oh my god!
Somebody call 9-1-1!
Call 9-1-1!
Oh my god!
Oh, he's f*cking dead!
Time
I was only dead
for like 15 minutes.
They brought me back.
I'll be fine!
I'm sorry. Who brought you back?
You did, baby.
(KISSES)
Effective communication.
I should've done this years ago.
And no one told me she was rich!
What?
So, here we are, we've come so
far through good and bad days
With love! Rich with love, baby!
Rich with--
I meant rich with love!
From sleepless nights
and third grade fights
EL DUQUE:
And that's the way it
all wraps up, kids.
Oh, f*ck!
True love always
I can't think of
(INDISTINCT LYRICS)
I'm walking!
(LAUGHS)
Then we could spend every
moment of my life with you
And as you guessed it,
they named the baby River,
because it was a girl.
But she's since done
changed the name to Hank
because it's a funny old world
like that.
Open your bag, please.
For sure.
(UNZIPS BAG)
SECURITY:
The Duke of Chocolate?
-EL DUQUE: That's me.
-I love your spicy peanut.
Thank you.
(CLOSES ZIPPER)
Now remember kids,
don't do the crime unless
you're prepared to do the time.
'Cause the time you have
might not be much time at all.
Out of my way, old man.
Don't mind Mindy.
She learns her lesson.
Now remember,
have fun because I'm gonna!
Seatbelt please.
(GRUNTS)
()
Ma'am, I'm really gonna need
you to get back to your seat
and buckle up.
Are you an idiot?
Like a seatbelt's gonna
save me in a plane crash.
(SCOFFS)
(DOOR THUMPING)
Oh sh*t.
(WIND HOWLING)
(SCREAMS)
(AIRPLANE BUZZING)
Hey, uh, you guys,
I can walk again!
(THUDS)
(GRUNTS, BREATHES HEAVILY)
Ace! (LAUGHS)
Mindy lives, m*therf*ckers!
(LAUGHS)
I'm a god--
()
You say
that I am such a fool
I say maybe
Maybe, but it's for you
They say that down the road
who I am inside
Will tear us apart
(SUCKS STRAW)
I say I know they're wrong
(INDISTINCT LYRICS)
So, you're Tyler Roberts?
Yes. Yes.
And, uh, you're Big Steve Baron?
Yeah.
Sometimes it's hard to see
commonalities
Wanna get out of here?
Yes.
()
Meet me at the beach
When it's too dark
for the cops to see
'Cause I'll be wearing nothing
but my dreams
Tide is gonna swell
And the moon's gonna yell
at me
(INDISTINCT LYRICS)
Because of the sea
Lost a half a bottle
of my daddy's sloe gin
Lost a half a bottle
of my daddy's sloe gin
Won't you come with me
and swim
And someday we'll get sad,
but until then
And someday we'll get sad,
but until then
Strawberry beach
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Raging Midlife (2025)
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