01x18 - Alarm Bells

[bunniefuu]

[INDISTINCT ARGUING]

Bobbie, Gabby keeps touching me.

Yeah, well, he will not
stay in his side of the bar,

and I need that space for my garnishes.

Oh, please.

You only decided that after
I put my paperwork there.

Oh, 'cause that's why
people come to a bar?

- Paperwork?
- Yes.

[WHISTLES]

Both of you need to work this out,

or neither one of you are
going to use that space.

Well, that sort of seems like a waste.

I told you she wasn't gonna like it.

"I told you she wasn't gonna like it."

Don't fake touch me.

Oh, you want me to real touch you?

Why are your fingers so long?

It's normal for my height.

My tubes just tied themselves.

Isabella,

here's my nephew's number.

Gunner said he'd...

give you a really great deal.

Ah, thanks, Emmett!

What were we saying?

OK. Hang on.

- What's going on?
- Nothing.

Emmett's just setting me
up on a date with his nephew.

Super cute.

Bye, Emmett.

Uh, yeah, I've met Gunner.

There's nothing cute about him

since he got that facial tattoo.

So what's up?

He installs security systems.

Isabella said you guys
heard an intruder last night.

I heard a raccoon.

Of course, I was listening with
my ears, not my imagination.

OK, maybe you're right,
and there was nothing.

I just figured it wouldn't hurt to look

into some kind of alarm.

Not a bad idea.

My nephew seems to think

the crime rate's going way up.

Oh, really?

The guy who sells security

thinks more people need security.

Shocker.

I just want to talk to him.

What's the big deal?

The big deal is they try to scare you

so you'll buy their stuff.

And once you're scared,

it leaks into the rest of your life.

I gotta say, I'm with
Isabella on this one.

Well, it's a good thing
you don't get a vote.

Now scurry on back to the kitchen

before somebody steals your apron.

Gabby and Steve keep touching me.

Yeah, because...

Gabby's using her long finger,

and then Steve comes back behind...

These are normal for my height!

♪ Sometimes it feels
like a big ol' fight ♪

♪ To get through the day ♪

♪ And sleep on through the night ♪

♪ But here you'll find a place ♪

♪ That'll surely lift your spirits ♪

♪ You belong at Happy's Place ♪

OK, so maybe it wasn't a person.

I guess I'm just nervous
because I've only ever lived

in dorms or apartment buildings,

not in a house surrounded by trees.

So people don't commit crimes, trees do?

- Ha-ha.
- Yeah.

In the city, noise is normal.

But out here, where it's
quiet, noise is a threat.

[CLANKING]

Ah, damn it.

That wasn't a raccoon.

Raccoons don't curse!

They don't speak at all!

Give me your flashlight.

OK.

All right.

What are you doing?

I'm your backup.

Well, back up.

One, two...

[SCREAMING]

What's wrong with you,
screaming at us like that?

I dropped my keys and
bent over to pick 'em up.

I make noises when I bend over.

You make noises when you do anything.

The good news is we're all fine.

We just didn't expect you, that's all.

Yeah, well, I probably
should've called first.

So why did you come over?

Oh, you know, I was just zipping

around the neighborhood.

Zipping around the neighborhood?

You don't live anywhere near here.

You know what?

You're right.

No, damn right.

Thought I'd pop in here and say hi.

Sup?

Sup?

My high blood
pressure, that's what's up.

Ooh.

What?

Ooh?

Nothing.

I... I think Emmett came
over because if there was

an intruder around, he, you know,

wanted to protect you.

He was feeling protective.

So is that why you're here?

Because we need a big,
old, strong man to protect us?

Well, now I'm not sure.

Yes, it is.

Well, let me tell you something.

[STRAINING] I can take care of us.

[GRUNTING]

So get out of here
before I throw you out.

I didn't mean to insult her.

Oh, I know.

What are you grinning
at me for like that?

You know why.

And now you know I know why.

No, I don't.

That's why I'm asking.

I understand.

Enough said.

We haven't even... we...

you know what?

I'm out.

- Ah!
- Ah! Damn.

You're scary enough when I expect you.

What are you doing here?

Well, your elderly neighbor Estelle

reported hearing screams.

To the police?

No, to me.

We have an arrangement
where she keeps an eye on you,

and I let her think I'm her daughter.

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

I don't get it.

Emmett checks on them, and it's fine.

I have their neighbor
spy on them, and it's not.

I mean, explain that to me.

I think you're missing the point.

OK, Emmett didn't
come over to check on us.

Oh, well, then what
did he come over for,

to deliver a pizza?

Because according to Estelle,

you guys rarely order pizza.

He came over because he likes Bobbie.

[LAUGHTER]

BOTH: What?

I'm serious.

He's, like, super attracted to her.

Oh, OK. Yeah.

Yeah, maybe she's right, Steve.

Because just last week,
I heard him say to her,

"I need you to order more mustard."

Did you hear that?

"I need you."

And just yesterday, he told her,

"You're parking too close to my truck."

Translation, "Marry me."

[LAUGHS]

Hey, Takoda.

Isabella thinks that she's sensing

some romantic tension in here.

Nah, these two just like to argue.

Oh, God.

- Oh, that was unfortunate.
- Ugh.

And as likely as something happening

between Bobbie and Emmett.

That's because you only ever see them

when they're here at the tavern,

where they act professionally, OK?

Last night, Emmett was different.

OK, well, here at the
tavern is where they spend

most of their time, so I
wouldn't get your hopes up

thinking that Emmett is
going to be acting different

anytime soon.

Gabby, you're a genius.

Well...

She doesn't hear "genius" often.

She's exactly right.

The problem is, they're always here.

The answer is to get
them alone someplace else.

Do you think she knows we were lying

about Bobbie and Emmett?

Of course not.

We're exceptional liars.

Yes.

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATION]

Oh, hey, look at you two.

I'd ask what you're talking about,

but it would probably make me blush.

It's work.

We work together.

You see, and that's the problem.

You two have no work-life balance.

OK, not everything at work needs

to be dealt with this second.

Maybe we could finish our discussion

from last night, Emmett.

Uh, we finished it.

Bobbie doesn't want a security
system or any help from me.

Tiny correction.

I don't need them.

Also, I don't want them.

Of course not.

"Because a 5'6" woman
can handle anything

"that a 6'4" man can.

This sounds like an
interesting conversation

for you two to have over dinner.

For your information, my daddy made sure

that I was up to speed on
my Second Amendment rights,

so I'll be fine.

You can't count on that.

The aim is the first thing to
go when you're stressed out.

Hey-oh!

Ha-ha!

Save something to talk
about during dessert.

If you think you're a
better shot than I am...

[CHUCKLES] I'll be
happy to prove you wrong.

Mm-hmm. Is that a challenge?

Damn skippy it is.

Unless you're only good at being tall.

I'm in.

You care to make this interesting?

What you got in mind?

Winner buys the loser dinner.

We work in a restaurant.

I'll tell you what, if I win,
you put in the security system.

Fine. And if I win... and I will...

[CHUCKLES]

You have to wear a T-shirt that says,

"I got my butt whupped
by a 5-foot-6 woman."

- Done.
- Done.

Ha-ha!

Why are you grinning at me like that?

No reason.

There's just something about a
shootout that makes me happy.

You have got to be kidding me.

[VIDEO GAME BEEPING]

I thought we were gonna
compete at a real sh**ting range.

Hey, real a*mo is expensive,
and I want to kick your butt

as cheaply as possible.

Plus, now you don't have to wear

those orange earmuffs, which
would clash with Bobbie's head.

Excuse me.

What are you doing here?

Trying to prevent you from
making a huge mistake.

We told you there was nothing
going on between those two.

Yeah, you're only
going to embarrass them

if you force them into
a romantic situation.

I'm here because I love arcades.

Without my kids, the
beast finally gets to hunt.

Please stop.

Everything's fine.

Now, will you leave
before you k*ll the mood?

Oh, don't be silly.

That's why we're here, to k*ll the mood.

Yeah. That's right.

Like Gabby said, if anyone
can k*ll a mood, she can.

Just ask my boyfriend. Oh, that's right.

I don't have one.

Well...

Hey, guys.

I didn't know you guys
were gonna be here.

What are you doing here?

Hey, if my kids ask, I'm not.

Oh, wow.

sh**ting zombies, huh?

That's pretty cool.

Not really.

OK, it's time for you guys to leave

so these two can concentrate.

Don't be silly.

I didn't take an
antiseptic bath for kicks.

I need to know who's gonna save
me when the apocalypse starts.

OK, y'all are acting really strange.

We are. Yep.

And if you wanted to leave
and go home right now,

I would not blame you.

Boop, boop.

No. No.

Because we said we were gonna spend

the whole day here, remember?

That's when I thought
we'd be sh**ting real g*ns.

Hey, Gabby, look.

It's a dance machine.

OK. All right. Nice try.

All right.

I don't crack that easy.

Is that a Step Maniacs dance machine?

Uh, I think it is.

Yeah.

And didn't Steve say he's, like,

a way better dancer than you?

I didn't say that.

I am,

but I didn't say it.

Shall we?

OK, you know what?

I want to twerk that
smug look off of your face

so bad right now.

Just hang on.

OK, Emmett, to be clear,
you are not having any fun

- here tonight, right?
- I am not.

OK.

Bring it on, Elaine from "Seinfeld."

Well, looks like it's just you and me.

Care to hunt?

Sounds good.

You want to play Skee-Ball?

Yes.

And I will crush you, Takoda!

What is Skee-Ball?

All right, Emmett.

Prepare to be embarrassed.

Oh, I'm already embarrassed.

Here we go.

[SURVIVOR'S "EYE OF THE TIGER"]

♪ It's the eye of the tiger ♪

♪ It's the thrill of the fight ♪

♪ Rising up to the
challenge of our rival ♪

♪ And the last known survivor
st*lks his prey in the night ♪

♪ And he's watching
us all with the eye ♪

♪ Of the tiger ♪

Are you God?

Oh, no fair!

I hit that guy five times,
and he's still going.

He's a zombie.

That's what they do.

Five seconds!

Keep sh**ting, Bobbie!

Oh, yeah.

ALL: Four, three, two, one!

- You did it!
- I won! Ha-ha!

Annie Oakley would be so proud.

Congratulations.

You beat me.

Barely.

Oh, well, only barely,
because you were cheating.

What do you mean, I was cheating?

Well, you're supposed to
lower your g*n every time

a new screen comes up.

What are you talking about?

Well, like this. You're supposed to...

well, I can't do it like that.

Well, come around.

OK.

OK. So...

Let's see.

What... what are we supposed to do now?

Well,

we're supposed to lower it down...

OK.

And bring it back up.

All right. Like this?

Yeah.

How's that feel?

Feels really nice.

Mm.

I agree.

[GIGGLES]

I gotta go.

Me too.

But... uh...

Hey, I'll be in the store
room if y'all need me.

Oh, excuse me.

Sorry.

That's my bad.

I almost smacked right into you.

I wouldn't want that.

No.

Back! Back!

Oh! The pain!

I'm sorry you had to see that.

I thought it was cute.

I was talking to my eyes.

This is a mess.

Who knew they would react so badly?

We did, which is why
we've been keeping them

apart for 10 years.

So you did know they liked each other!

Of course, it's obvious!

Watching Emmett is
what I imagine it's like

when a Yeti falls in love.

Sweet but terrifying at the same time.

Listen, OK, you've been
here, what, six months?

We have known them for 10 years.

And if you would have just asked us,

we would have told you that
they secretly like each other.

She did ask us, and we lied.

Why would you lie about that?

They're our friends.

Don't you want them to be happy?

Of course.

But what if that happiness doesn't last?

I mean, did you think about that?

This place is like a family.

And families can fall apart if
Mommy and Daddy get a divorce.

Gabby, clearly, your parents'
divorce was very traumatic...

My parents aren't divorced.

What?

They just got back from a bus trip

in New England to celebrate
their 50th anniversary.

Well, that sounds nice.

Gabby's right.

People want to believe
in the fantasy of love

conquering it all.

But statistics show it is a fantasy.

So you two won't even try because

it might screw up your lives?

No, because it might screw up Emmett's.

If this goes wrong, he's gonna suffer

because Bobbie's his boss.

Takoda.

Takoda.

You think we should
encourage Bobbie and Emmett

to take a chance on love, don't you?

Love is a very powerful thing, Isabella.

Like anything powerful,
it has to be respected,

or people can get hurt.

Takoda agrees with us.

At the same time,
love is powerful enough

to save the whole world,
let alone two people.

So you're gonna go with jibber jabber

and not take a position?

I only speak.

It's up to you to interpret.

Well, we can't just do nothing.

Leave it alone.

Eventually, they'll get
past how awkward they are

and move on with their lives.

That's not good enough for me.

I'm not a hoper.

I'm an actor.

And I'm a dancer.

OK, you gonna hold that
over my head forever?

Perhaps.

Oh, oh, good.

Elaine's back.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Hey, I just had an idea.

That sh**ting contest was so close.

I think you should challenge
Bobbie to a rematch.

Really?

And what are we gonna
sh**t with this time?

Water pistols?

Well, it doesn't have
to be a sh**ting contest.

You could play darts or play pool

or have some wine and cheese.

I'm not asking her for a rematch.

She won fair and square.

It's over.

Didn't you tell me that
Yogi Bear once said

it ain't over till it's over?

Yogi Berra said that.

Yogi Bear said "pic-a-nic" basket.

You could go on a "pic-a-nic."

I just think that you should try again.

No.

Isabella,

some things just aren't meant to be.

I don't like that you're comfortable.

We're not switching chairs.

I'm not talking about chairs.

I'm talking about, what
happens if true love comes along

and you're busy being comfortable?

Who said that, Merle Haggard?

No, it's you.

It's what you told me
when I needed a push

to break up with my ex-boyfriend Jack.

Well, I'll keep that in mind
if I ever want to break up

with your ex-boyfriend Jack.

Bobbie, what I'm trying to say...

I know what you're trying to say.

You've been trying to say it for days.

Well, I keep saying it because I know

how you feel about Emmett.

And I told you that
because we're sisters.

That means something to me.

To me too.

And I also told you I wasn't ready.

So why did you try to push us together?

Because you're old.

Yes, I said it.

You're old.

You don't have to keep repeating it.

I'm not that old.

And I'm sure not that deaf.

Most people, the older they
get, the more comfortable

they get with the way things are.

They like change less and less.

Well, that's not me.

Heck, ever since you got
here, that's all it's been,

is change.

You accept change with me,

but you won't accept it with you.

And neither will Emmett.

Because when it comes
to taking a chance on love,

it's easier to be comfortable.

Comfortable is safe.

Yeah, yeah, it's a security system.

So what are you gonna do?

I don't know.

I want to tell Emmett how I
feel, but I'm still a chicken.

You do have another option, you know.

You don't have to tell him how you feel.

Just don't stop him when
he's showing you how he does.

Oh.

Sup?

Sup?

Since you're not putting
in a security system,

I was just wondering if it would be OK

if I just popped in every once
in a while to check on you.

Why?

Well, it's not because I don't think

you can take care of yourself.

It's just...

just for my own peace of mind.

Well, I mean, if it's for you, sure.

OK.

She's doing it again. Touching me.

- Fake touching me.
- No. No.

The works.

Hey, guys.

What's going on?

- We're fine.
- We're fine.

Let's go.

We don't want to k*ll the mood.