02x06 - CrimeCon

[bunniefuu]

♪

[Woman screaming]
Oh!

Aah!

Aah! Aah...

BRIDGET:
Don't you just love true crime?

k*ller strangers,
strange husbands,

cults that first seem like
a good networking opportunity

but the next thing you know,
you're getting branded

with the image of a goat man?

Then come on down
to Grimsburg's first-ever

convention for crime lovers,
Crime-Con.

Meet and greets, merch,
and more live m*rder podcasts

than you could ever not listen to.

So, come to Crime-Con.

It's the closest thing to
m*rder, without really dying!

MAYOR DILQUEZ: Don't you
just love a convention?

Then come on down to Grimsburg's


a convention for conventions.

From Crime-Con to Comic Con

to Chaka Con
and everything in between.

So, if you're a fan of fandom,
come to Con-Con,

where ain't nobody
loves fans better.

WOMAN: Don't you just love
when the show has

a big, bloody, violent opening?
Aah!

[Theme music plays]

[Crack]

FLUTE: Multiple dismemberments.
Necklaces made out of teeth.

That means the identity of the k*ller
can only be... [School bell rings]

We'll pick it up there on Monday.

KANG: So I'm running security
at Con-Con this weekend,

and I could use a couple
of extra hands.

FLUTE: Have some self-respect, Kang.
Nobody wants to be security.

That's the lowest form of
law enforcement

next to mall cops,
doormen, and mouthguards.

KANG: Wynona, you're young
and, therefore, broke.

Wanna make some extra money
you'll never save?

WYNONA: I actually do quite well.

You'd be surprised how much
change I find inside of people.

FLUTE: See, I knew
she would turn you down.

And I don't even know
anything about

- bloody gloves jacket girl.
- WYNONA: It goes both ways.

The more I learn about Flute,
the more it bums me out.

It's like reading a bio of
a shelter dog, but sadder.

FLUTE: But, Kang, since you'll
be there, you should stop by

my booth at Crime-Con
and get a pic with me.

- SUMMERS: You have a booth?
- FLUTE: That's right.

It's a chance to give
something back to my fans.

For $10.
Cash only.

I don't know how Bit Corn works.

And I'm gonna need lots of merch
for my die-hard Flautists.

I can sell this and this
and this.

- WYNONA: Hey.
- FLUTE: And this.

See you at the convention.
[Grunting]

SUMMERS: I'm pretty
sure that was my desk.

PENTOS: Once I am done
with you today,

your brains will be twisted,
your minds warped,

your fundamental idea of
life itself totally... uhh.

[Sighs] Does everyone have
a field trip buddy?

♪

[Gasp]
[Thud]

♪

[Cricket chirping]

[Flute grumbles]
SUMMERS: First and last.

- My lucky day.
- FLUTE: Where are all my fans?

SUMMERS: I think they're
at their booths.

♪

FLUTE: They're obsessed
with K*llers?

- This is a crime against crime.
- SUMMERS: Does the line go with you?

PENTOS: Historically,
our annual field trip

is to a program
called Scared Straight.

But now that being straight has
become problematic, we had to shift.

Gears. Anyway, we're going to...

Ah, change of plans, Stan.
You're in charge now.

- Pretend you're me.
- STAN: An underpaid public school teacher?

Ooh, manifestation is real!
What do I do?

PENTOS: Why are you children
always such children?

Just take them there.

[Screaming inside]

[Kids cheering]

MR. FLESH: 18+?
Finally, your one chance to see a nipple,

even if it is attached to
a woman on a meat hook.

FLUTE: Bridget. Hi.
I need to ask you about...

BRIDGET: My teeth were
too small for Invisalign.

FLUTE: What?
No. It's about my booth.

All the fans are lined up
for bad guys.

They're supposed to worship
good guys

in an unhealthy, parasocial way.

BRIDGET: That's how
it used to be, but after

all the true crime podcasts
and Netflix docudramas,

now all they care about are
psycho K*llers and which

Hollywood mop with perfect teeth
will play them.

And they're only perfect because
they usually have veneers.

FLUTE: Kind of feels like you're
the only one talking about teeth.

WOMAN: Damien!

♪

HARMONY: I'm with Damien
Flescher, who last year

confessed to eating 31 people.

Since his incarceration,
he's become a reformed cannibal

and bestselling author of the
vegan cookbook "Tastes Like Kevin."

Damien, do you ever miss
eating human flesh?

DAMIEN: I don't.
If you put a fresh corpse

in front of me right now, I'd say,

"Let me get my hands on him!"

[All gasp]

DAMIEN: So I can gently
shut his eyes with my fingers.

ALL: Aww.

- FLUTE: Who's actually buying this?
- WYNONA: Hey! Eat me, Damien!

FLUTE: Something about this guy
leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

♪

Reformed cannibal?
You sure about that?

PINOCCHIO FLESCHER:
I swear! I'm a real vegan boy!

I haven't eaten people in years!

FLUTE: Not according to
your nose b*ner.

[Munching]
[Door opens]

GEPPETTO: And just to be clear,
there's a perfectly logical

reason why I make a little boy.

- Nothing fishy going on.
- FLUTE: I never said there was.

GEPPETTO:
Good, because there's not.

And he's not a real boy.

He's the one who keep'a
saying that.

He a fake boy.
So, that means I'm a-good.

- This a big gray area.
- FLUTE: Aah!

Flescher's a fraud
and Geppetto's a Geppetto-phile.

Damn, you always think of
the best line after it's over.

♪

PENTOS: Ahem.

PENTOSTONIX 1:
What hath we here?

The glasses are passable.
The belt's a bit shabby.

But the ankle bracelet?
Divine.

Wherever did you find it?

PENTOS: The Grimsburg Institute
for the Criminally Insane

Parole Board,
because I am Dr. Rufis Pentos!

PENTOSTONIX 1: Mm, not quite.
Watch me.

I am Dr. Rufis Pentos!

PENTOSTONIX 2: No, it needs to
sound more like you're mid-yawn.

I am Dr. Rufis Pentos.

PENTOSTONIX 3: Uh, no, no, more
like you're scared of your tongue.

Yai yam dowtor Roofyos Pyentyos!

PENTOS: What?
But I sound nothing like that.

PENTOSTONIX 3:
Mm-hmm. Closer.

PENTOSTONIX 1: And perhaps
one day, you could join us.

The Pentostonix, a 5-piece

Pentos fan club-slash-
a cappella group.

PENTOS:
If I wasn't the real Pentos,

how would I have this scar
from the 1997 Zamboni heist?

Or this one from my third
Office Depot bombing?

Or these behind my ears from
my failed facial transplant

and not at all from a botched
facelift I am still in litigation over?

PENTOSTONIX 1: It is you!
You are...

ALL: ♪ Pentos♪

[Laughter]

FLUTE: I'm positive Flescher's
still eating people.

You can't fake sobriety with me.
Or orgasms.

Can't fake it if I'm already finished.
[Wink]

SUMMERS: Um, is there a Fast
Pass to get a picture with you?

Because my grandma's
in hospice and I...

FLUTE: Once Flescher's fans
see me bust him, they'll realize

they've been obsessing over
the wrong guy and be all mine.

But to do that,
I'll need a hand.

Up top. [Clap]
Wow. So smooth.

Wonder what the rest of
your body looked like.

Stop.

Ohh, all right.

♪

KANG: Ahem. VIP pass?

FLUTE: It's me.
Is this because I insulted

your very insultable security job?

KANG: You mean the position
that is ironically

now the one thing
standing in your way,

and if you had taken the offer,
we could have

spent rare quality time
outside of the office?

No.
Dut dut dut dut.

No VIP pass, no entry.

Now get out of here before
I have to shine my

indestructible flashlight at you.

Think I won't?
Try me.

WYNONA: Great.
Now I'll never meet Flescher

so that he can fall in love
with me and I can

ultimately fix him because that

always works with bad boys!

FLUTE: You know,
maybe if we worked together...

WYNONA: Now you want to work with me?
When we're not at work?

FLUTE: Look, I keep my distance
for your safety.

The moment I show attention
to a woman, their minds

begin to dream and before
you know it, you're writing

"Mrs. Wynona Flute" all over
the cadavers you're autopsying.

WYNONA: I'll give this
a shot as long as

you're not trying to be my friend.

We have a really good
nothing going.

- FLUTE: Fine by me.
- WYNONA: Glad we're in agreement.

FLUTE: Oh, God.
You're falling already.

PENTOS: And that is how I rigged

Jeremy Renner's snowplow
to eat his legs.

PENTOSTONIX 1:
So, what are you up to now?

PENTOS: Ya know,
scheming up a big old plan.

STAN: Dr. Pentos!
Sorry it took so long.

We had to sift through
the body's

lower intestine to find the key.
I'll take them to lunch now.

PENTOS: Ahh. I suppose now
you know the truth.

PENTOSTONIX 1: You're a teacher...

at a school for the criminally gifted.

PENTOS: Yes! That's exactly
the truth I meant.

PENTOSTONIX 2: And your
big scheme is here at Con-Con?

PENTOS: Ha ha!
Can't fool my fans.

PENTOSTONIX 3: Syo it's
Yozen's Leven year yolds?

PENTOS: I'm sorry.
Could you say that again, Dave?

PENTOSTONIX 1: He said it's
Ocean's 11-year-olds.

- You must let us watch.
- PENTOS: Anything for my stans!

NEDWARD: Mr. Pentos, I looked
at a light too long

and now I can only see
a big, dark circle.

PENTOS: This kid?
Total psycho.

WYNONA: There's gotta be
one convention that can help us

- get into the VIP room.
- FLUTE: CondimentCon. Wrath of Con.

Oh, my God.
Connie Britton Con?!

WYNONA: [Gasp]
Wait. You love Connie Britton, too?

FLUTE: Of course.
She's the perfect combo of

high class and low hairline.

WYNONA: "Friday Night Lights"
was the reason I became

the first female kicker for
my high school football team.

FLUTE: And "Nashville" was
the reason I tried to become

the reigning queen of country.

- WYNONA: That's so funny.
- FLUTE: I know.

- BOTH: Ahem.
- FLUTE: We should...

WYNONA:
Uh, yeah, let's get that pass.

♪

Ugh. [Munch]

WOMAN: That's two tickets to
ConCussion for two people.

$2.00 per ticket, for two tickets,

for two people.
People for $2.00...

FLUTE: So, why are you such a big fan
of Flescher? The guy ate a senator.

WYNONA: I don't like him
because he's a cannibal.

I like him because he's a genius.

He built a brand for himself
as the sexy outcast,

proving you can be
both weird and hot

no matter how disturbing
your interests are.

Flescher's just misunderstood,
like me,

and honestly, kind of like you.

FLUTE: I'm misunderstood?
[Scoffs] I don't understand.

WYNONA: Everyone sees you as
this arrogant narcissist,

but I think that's what makes
you Grimsburg's best detective.

FLUTE: Huh. It's weird
hearing someone other than

me and my coffee mug say that.

WYNONA: Well, the detective bar
is pretty low.

Kang can't even solve the mystery
of how to buy a properly sized coat.

FLUTE: Have you seen Summers
interrogating a suspect?

It's like watching a cast member
at Disneyland help a lost kid.

WYNONA: And Martinez thinks
her accent can stop a criminal.

[New York accent] We get it. You're
from New York. You're working here.

[Both laugh]

WYNONA: I don't feel so good.

- Did we just become work friends?
- FLUTE: Impossible.

There was probably something off

with those breakfast tacos
we shared like friends.

Oh, son of a b*tch.
Ew ew ew ew.

WYNONA: Oh, God. What if
Harmony saw us becoming friends?

FLUTE: That's it! Harmony's here,
and she's press, which means...

BOTH: She can get us into VIP!

- WYNONA: Uhh!
- FLUTE: Ha ha ha! Uhh!

WOMAN: For people dollars
for two tickets, for two people,

for dollars for two tickets,
for two dol...

PENTOS: [Forced chuckle]
It is now time

for the talent portion
of the field trip.

Who has a special skill?
Like, say, demolitions?

Computer hacking?
Perhaps a wheelman?

- KHALEESI: I can do a cartwheel!
- STAN: I can make my finger do this!

NEDWARD: I can make my body
go liquid

and crawl under doors
like a cat.

[Pentos sighs]

HARMONY:
Reporting live from Walk-Con,

the convention for
celebrity walk-ons,

I'm here with
writer and actress Tina Fey.

- TINA: Really great to be here.
- Thank you for stopping by, Tina.

- TINA: That's all I get...
- HARMONY: It's a walk-on, Teenz.

- One line only. Kang?
- TINA: Uh...

HARMONY: Uhh! Uhh.

♪

HARMONY: Oh. Heh.

FLUTE: You got something
on your chin.

♪

HARMONY: Ha ha.

♪

Wow.
My chin is so sticky.

FLUTE: Keep an eye out.
We can't get Kang-blocked.

Or "Man-Kangled."
"Kang-kles"?

"Kankles"? How'd I get here?

WYNONA: What if he doesn't
find me as sexy

as he does in all
my fanfictions? [Gasp]

♪

- I can't do this.
- FLUTE: Yes, you can.

I've seen you elbow deep
in a man's large intestine

while also eating a corncob...

a historically two-handed
activity. You can do this.

Mr. Flescher. Hi.
I'm a producer.

Dr. A. Producer.

We're working on a docu-series
about cannibal docu-serieses.

FLESCHER: I'd love to.
I feed off my fans'...attention.

[Laughs]

FLUTE: How about an interview...
over lunch?

♪

PENTOS: OK, time to explain
our heist plan

as if an audience was too
stupid to follow along. Hit it!

[Pentostonix singing
"Mission: Impossible" theme]

PENTOS: Khaleesi,
we'll need your gymnastics

to navigate the security system.

[Alarm blaring]
KHALEESI: Ah!

Ohh. [Crying]
[Singing continues]

PENTOS: If we are to stand any
chance of robbing this joint,

we will need...
[Singing continues]

a double one.
[Singing continues]

And lastly, the vault.
It's locked up air tight,

but not liquid tight.

[Singing continues]

NEDWARD: Ow!
[Singing continues]

♪ Ahh! ♪

PENTOS: Walking into a vault with
my fingers ever so lightly tented?

How I've missed this.

- Now for master plan part deux...
- NEDWARD: Mr. Pentos, I have to...

PENTOS: I'm not finished
with my evil plan!

[Kids gasp]
PENTOS: And I pray

none of you have an allergy
to nuts!

[Cackles]

FLUTE: Would you like
some filet mign-arm?

FLESCHER: Cute.
It's shaped like an arm.

[Chewing]

What is this?
Chickpeas? Tempeh?

FLUTE: Try 100% free-range human.

- This wasn't part of our plan.
- FLUTE: You miss it, don't you?

Gnawing on the elbow
like a drumstick.

Spitting out the nails
like sunflower seeds.

I know you're still eating people.
And now all your fans will, too.

Or should I say "my new fans"
now that they've seen me?

FLESCHER: Uhh! Security!

FLUTE: But my crime mind said
you were still a cannibal.

It's never wrong! Uhh!

BRIDGET:
Kang, get 'em out of here!

[Flute grunting]

[Flute and Wynona grunt]

KANG:
Consider yourselves Kang-banged.

FLUTE: Kang-banged!
Damn, it was right there.

FLUTE: Ugh. I can't believe
my crime mind was wrong.

What's next? My gaydar?
My women's intuition?

My sense of direction?
Which way am I pointing?

Sorth? Nouth?
Sweest? Downways?

WYNONA: You know what
I can't believe?

That you spent the whole day
catfishing our friendship.

At least when Damien
chews people up,

he doesn't just spit them out.

He has the decency to swallow.
Ugh!

KANG: You were all set up for a swallowing
joke and you didn't take the bait.

FLUTE: Because neither did Flescher.
He didn't swallow.

My crime mind wasn't wrong,
I just misread it.

Flescher is a liar.
Not because he's still a cannibal,

because he never was one
to begin with!

I don't think I should have
emphasized that last word.

KANG: And brace yourself, because
whoever ate this arm had braces.

FLUTE: Bridget.
She's a cannibal named Bridget?

Ooh-hoo! This job.

♪

[Stan grunting]

PENTOS:
Stan, you're falling behind.

STAN: Uhh! I respect
the attention to detail,

but why did PirateCon have to
only accept gold doubloons? Aah!

♪

[Gasp] Aah!
[Pentos grunting]

[Kids grunting]

♪

PENTOS: Oh!
[Grunting]

♪

KHALEESI: Uhh!
You have to let one go!

♪

PENTOS: Sorry, Stan.
I'm not a teacher. I never was.

I've always been a villain.

STAN: Well, you're
my favorite teacher,

and I'm sure this is another one
of your amazing lessons,

which I will hopefully figure out
before I hit the acid.

♪

[Pentos and Khaleesi grunt]

♪

PENTOSTONIX 1: Why didn't
you just let him die?

PENTOS: Because this isn't
a school for the criminally gifted.

I'm just a regular teacher
teachering regular psychopaths.

That's who I am now.
And if that's

not good enough for you,
then maybe you need to find

someone else to be a fan of.

Oh, wow.
That was very fast.

BRIDGET: Ready for
"Cooking with Flescher"?

[Crowd cheering]

[Mic feedback] FLUTE: Sorry, folks,
but Flescher's not a cannibal.

The real k*ller is... Bridget!

BRIDGET: Oh, yeah, I already
went over it. I'm the cannibal.

Flescher took credit to build his brand.

Crime-Con was just a ruse
to enact my revenge.

There was a whole PowerPoint
and everything.

♪

- And you all are OK with that?
- WOMAN: Yeah! We're fans!

- We gotta like someone, right?
- FLUTE: Yes. But why obsess over

famous people you'll never meet

when you could be fans of people
you actually can?

You there in the audience.
What's the most

- interesting thing about you?
- MAN: Sometimes I go to the hospital

and I switch the babies in the cribs.

FLUTE: OK, maybe not that guy.
But today, I learned more about

Wynona in a few hours than I
have in years of working with her.

Did you know she was a kicker on
her high school football team?

WOMAN: We don't know who Wynona is.

FLUTE: And neither did I until today.
But now I'm her biggest fan.

BRIDGET: Nice try, Flute, but
my new fans still expect a show!

[Whirring]

♪

My eyes! Uhh!

KANG: Flute, catch.

FLUTE: Yikes. What's that?
Like, 9,000 lumens?

♪

Oh!

♪

[Whirring stops]

[Crowd murmuring]

KANG: What are you waiting for?
Go get her.

Oh, God, have I become
the rom-com best friend?

FLUTE: Wynona, wait!

♪

You were right about Flescher.
And about me.

WYNONA: Uh-uh. If you're
gonna give me a speech about

how you set out to find fans
but really, you found a friend,

don't, because
that will make me puke.

FLUTE: Yeah, I'm already
queasy. I feel like I do when

Summers tries to find the
silver lining in everything.

WYNONA: [as Summers]
Well, our squad car

may be on fire, but now
I can see you better.

[Both laugh]

WYNONA: Wow. We really did
become friends, didn't we?

- Now what do we do?
- FLUTE: Maybe we just keep making fun of

our coworkers together
and see where it takes us.

[Camera's shutter clicks]
[Whirring]

SUMMERS: Yes! And your
eyes are even half-open!

Just hold on
a little longer, Grandma.

WYNONA: Why is he running?
He has jet packs.

BOTH: Just fly!
[Laughing]

- SUMMERS: She passed.
- FLUTE: Oh.

PENTOS: So, when your parents
ask what we did today,

what are you going to say?

KIDS: Not grand larceny.

PENTOS: Perfect.
[Kids laugh]

PENTOSTONIX 1: Have fun
sculpting the minds

of the next generation! Idiot.

[expl*si*n]

PENTOS: Still got it.
[Evil laughter]

[Coughs] Can I get a sip
of that juice box?