[CHEERFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
Coco, stop!
Music is so gauche.
It's the sounds of the poor.
Coco, tree! Coco!
I love music.
If you really want to listen
to true music...
Aah!
...you should listen to a brook.
Oh. [CHUCKLES SOFTLY]
TODD: No, no, no!
Oh, my God!
I'm so sorry.
[LAUGHS] It's all right.
Cute dog.
He's actually not my dog.
He's my client.
Oh.
Oh, um, you're bleeding.
Oh, geez.
What'd you do to me, Coco?
Let me get you cleaned up.
I have a first aid kit on me
at all times.
Jessica, he'll be fine.
Let him deal with his...
"client."
[LAUGHS SMUGLY]
Barry, he's bleeding.
Come with me.
Oh, you're a nurse?
No.
[LIVELY PIANO MUSIC PLAYING]
You really saved me.
How can I ever repay you?
Don't worry about it.
No, come on. What do you want?
Name a price.
[LAUGHS]
Like, 20?
Seriously, it's all right.
I'm happy your pants are fixed.
Fifty.
[CHUCKLES] Fifty?
Okay.
Okay.
Seriously, thank you.
Goodbye, stranger.
Goodbye.
Bye.
Bye.
Bye.
See ya.
Toodles.
Bye!
Bye.
JESSICA: See ya.
Yeah, gosh.
[ZIPPING UP BAG]
Hey, where are you going?
Two words: L.A.
Geez, thanks for the invite.
When are you coming back?
I'm not coming back, Todd.
[ECHOING] Todd...
Todd... Todd...
You are definitely my soulmate.
You're the only one
who gets me, Todd.
Groceries were $30.
I'll Chase QuickPay you.
Liana!
In here!
Slow down.
Can you explain to me
what the hell is going on?
Pico DeGala is opening
a new store in L.A.
She's offering me one million
to oversee it.
This is huge for me, Todd,
and I just can't afford to be
in something right now.
Todd. Todd. Todd!
I love you, Todd.
I'm definitely not gonna
break up with you, Todd.
You're the only one
who can make me laugh.
Nothing is more important
than this relationship.
I hate L.A.
I love being with you.
Are these yours?
Yeah.
Okay. [ECHOES]
Liana!
Out here!
We can try long distance.
I can't, Todd. I'm sorry.
I'm not a Skype girl.
I can't just stare and look
at a face.
It's too much. It's too much!
Be well.
Drive.
[UPLIFTING MUSIC PLAYING]
Hey, Jessica. I got
a new load of garbage for you.
Chester! Oh!
I've been waiting for you.
Got any good finds for me?
-Take your pick of the litter.
-Ooh!
You know, I always say this,
but Jessica,
when are you gonna
come work for me?
Every week, I come here
with a new bag of garbage.
You love trash so much.
Chester, I already told you,
one person's garbage
is another person's treasure.
That's what my shop
is all about.
Even this old semen-covered
banana peel?
-Is this treasure?
-Chester, you're crazy!
[BOTH LAUGHING]
Chester, I've known you
just about my whole life.
When are you gonna
finally settle down, huh?
Once you're back
on the market again.
Chester! [GIGGLES]
Oh, but in all seriousness,
Jessica,
I'm never gonna settle down.
I've chosen this life
of garbage, but you?
You deserve to find love
outside of this place.
Truth be told, ever since
my dad disappeared
when I was little,
I've always been afraid
of putting myself out there.
You know, really out there.
Well, I think you're
a beautiful person, Jessica,
who deserves to be loved
and find love out of here.
Plus, you got a nice little rack
that any sick freak would
lick their little fingers
and yell, "Yee-haw, damn!"
Yee-haw, hoo-hoo!
Chester!
You're crazy!
Crazy!
Aw.
The last time I ate shrimp,
I found out I was adopted.
You're kidding.
-I am kidding.
-Okay...
TODD: Excuse me?
Little help?
Oh, my God.
You're that guy from
To Catch a Predator.
-What?
-Oh, my God, yes.
-No.
-Yes.
Jessica, this guy was on
To Catch a Predator.
You look just like it.
JESSICA:
You can take your break, Patio.
You too, Gina.
If you're looking for a job,
we don't hire perverts.
Listen, I wasn't on To Catch--
Whoa.
You're pants guy.
You're mustard mouth.
[GASPS]
So... What can I help you find?
I just wanted to get rid
of some things. My girl...
roommate... moved out, and...
she left all her stuff behind.
You and your roommate
must have been close.
Yeah... we were.
So, you collect trash
and sell it?
It's a good idea, right?
I can't take full credit.
My dad opened this place
with me when I was three.
A young entrepreneur.
I like it.
People just get tired of things,
you know?
They no longer find value
in the things that
brought them so much joy.
Like this little c*ck
right here.
My dad found it behind a Popeyes
on Western Avenue.
It's worth an easy 10,000 grand.
[IMITATES CHICKEN CLUCKING]
[BOTH LAUGH]
This book, Snake Lake,
was based on a true story
about my old uncle.
How old was he?
72, but has the body
of a 17-year-old.
What about that birdhouse?
That's not for sale.
[SIGHS]
You okay?
Me and my dad were building it
before he disappeared.
It's a birdhouse made
entirely of popsicle sticks,
with little jokes on them.
We only needed one more
popsicle stick to complete
the birdhouse.
I'm sorry.
Can't you just get another one?
It's not like that, okay?
The popsicle stick
I'm looking for has
a specific joke on it.
My dad read it to me
a few minutes before
he disappeared.
Until I find
that popsicle stick...
the birdhouse will never
be complete.
Where'd your dad go?
Nobody knows.
The last time I saw him,
I was six,
and he was collecting garbage
behind a Forever 31.
We could always find
the best crap back there.
I like to think
he's somewhere across the world,
finding garbage
in the Tigris River
or salvaging scraps
in the swamps of Brazil
or maybe even
little buried treasures
and the ancient relics of...
-Kansas.
-[MOUTHING]
But I think he's probably dead.
He sounds amazing.
He was.
He loved trash
more than anyone I know.
All right, here are your
refurbished retainers,
your tin foil glasses,
and your plate frisbee.
Thank you very much.
Hey...
I was wondering if I could
get your number.
You know, in case I need to
dump more trash. Or...
Or...?
Or in case I lose the retainer.
Or...?
Or in case I need a number
to help me count.
Or...?
Or... if you wanna go out
sometime or something.
Yeah, sure, let me just, um...
-write it down.
-Yeah.
Here, let me walk you out.
See you later, mustard mouth.
Say...
What's your real name?
Jessica.
Jessica Dump.
Jessica.
-Hey, wait!
-What?
You never told me your name.
Todd Barkley. Dog Lawyer.
Todd.
Goodbye, Jessica Dump.
Goodbye, Todd Barkley.
[JESSICA EXCLAIMS]
My God!
[LAUGHING]
I can't believe it!
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]
Hey...
I forgot my glasses.
[DOOR THUDDING]
What's up with the door?
-Push.
-Oh, yeah.
I am.
[DOOR JIGGLING]
I think I'm stuck.
Oh. It happens.
Bye.
[UPLIFTING MUSIC PLAYS]
TODD: No. No! No! No!
No! No!
Ah, come on!
Oh!
On your cone!
No! Don't touch it! No, no, no!
Why?
Jessica!
Jessica! [ECHOES]
What?
So then I just
never heard from him again.
I cannot believe him.
I've been talking about myself
this whole time.
How have you been?
Honestly, really good.
My influencing business
is taking off.
I made this post
about self-care last night
on InstyPic. Look.
Hey, InstyPic followers.
Welcome back to my channel.
Right?
Today I'm going to be talking
about my new Holy Grail product.
This is Butt Butter.
I actually have
really dry elbows,
but you guys already
all know that,
you comment all the time.
So, I just take
a little bit of it,
and then I like...
Are you kidding?
It does wonders.
All right, that's all I have
for today.
Remember, feminists,
you can't spell "vag*na,"
without Gina.
But isn't that just
elbow butter?
No, it's still Butt Butter.
When I'm sad, I'll put it on,
throw on an old Bruce Willis
movie, and then
I'll put my feet in--
Gina, shut up. Shut the f*ck up!
That's him!
-Who?
-Todd.
Who's he talking to?
TODD: Rufus...
You definitely bit the guy,
there's no denying it.
Can probably get you off
with about
one to two weeks in the pound,
and maybe some
community service.
Thanks, Rufy, that means a lot.
You're not gonna be put down.
Not on my watch.
Todd?
Mustard mouth!
I mean, Jessica. I've been
looking everywhere for you.
Yeah, right. I gave you
my number and you never called.
You'll never believe this.
When I left your store,
there was a huge gust of wind--
Let me guess. Huge gust of wind,
then it flew into the tire
of a car,
into some kid's ice cream cone,
and ended up into the mouth
of a Corgi.
Yes! That's exactly
what happened.
I can't tell you how many times
I've heard it all before.
What? Every detail?
You're just like everybody else.
Come on, Gina.
Jessica, I'm unique.
Jessica, wait!
Jessica, I'm unique!
Jessica, wait!
I'll find that number.
You'll see!
-His friend was cute.
-Gina.
Dump, Dump, Dump, Dump...
Dump... Where are you?
-Jessica?
-Todd?
It's me, Mom. How are you?
-Have you seen Jessica Dump?
-Who?
I think he's
some kind of genius.
No... he's just in love.
Have you seen Jessica Dump?
Ew, that's disgusting!
-Jessica?
-Can you hear me?
I've been on this island--
Why, God?
Jessica? Jessica? Jessica?
This is Pizza Daddy.
Pick up or delivery?
Jessica.
[WHIMPERS]
-Jessica?
-My name's Jessica.
Ugh. Take a bath, buddy.
-Jessica!
-I want ice cream.
Jessica?
Jessica?
I want ice cream.
555-5555... 555.
Hey! Off, pervert!
-No, gimme a hug!
-God, no!
-[MUTTERING]
-Get off of me! God, you stink!
You smell like feral kittens!
And you smell like juice.
I'm not crazy. I'm not crazy!
Haven't you all
ever tracked down
a girl you only met once?
I met her twice, actually!
Yeah, I met her twice!
She's gorgeous.
[TWINKLING]
Unsweetened, please.
-[PHONE RINGING]
-Rowr. Oh!
Love Dump. This is Jessica.
-It was a mutt.
-What was a mutt?
The dog that ate your number.
It was a mutt.
Who is this?
The classic Pembroke Welsh Corgi
has orange and white coloring.
This one did not. It was a mutt.
Edward? How did you
get out of jail? Oh, my God!
What? This is Todd.
Who's Edward?
[SINISTER MUSIC PLAYING]
Oh, Todd.
I thought you were my stalker.
What are you doing Monday night?
So then I said,
"You already lost one ear,
cut off the other!"
That is literally hilarious.
Hello, welcome to Aquanus.
My name is Peter.
I'll be your food guru
for the evening.
Like, waiter?
Nah, guru.
Have either one of you
been to Aqua before?
-No.
-Never.
I thought you might say that.
Basically, Chef Jauc
went on a culinary retreat
to Tibet in 2004,
to learn how to consume food
with his digits.
Like, his fingers?
No, his digits.
Can I get you two
anything to drink?
Oh, um...
I will have the Misty Wind.
I'm trying to decide between
the Smacked on the Rocks
or the Blinded Cow?
Definitely the Smacked
on the Rocks.
It's a little strong,
but I think you're
gonna like it.
Totally. Let's do it.
JESSICA: Wow.
This place is so nice.
How did you hear about it?
Well, I passed by the window,
like, a thousand times, but I...
never had anyone special
to go with.
Also, a dog I represent
got into a huge lawsuit here.
-So, yeah... kind of vicious.
-Oof.
Here's your Misty Wind...
Catch 'em before they go out,
you're missing 'em.
-Come on, get it!
-Mmm.
That was really good.
Here's your
Smacked on the Rocks.
That was seriously good.
[GROWLING]
PETER: Here we are...
Finally, the main course!
PETER: No, that's for
washing your hands.
What do you mean?
The chicken is not meant
to be eaten, dude.
-Well, that's stupid.
-Todd.
Are you getting fresh with me?
Maybe I am getting fresh.
I'm the fresh king!
-Well, maybe I don't like that.
-Oh, my God.
Is there any problem here?
Please, allow me
to introduce myself.
I am Chef Jauc.
Yeah, Chef Jauc,
we do have a problem here.
I'm Todd Barkley, dog lawyer,
and the food you serve here
isn't real.
-In fact, it's bullshit.
-Todd!
"Bullshit," you say?
Yeah.
I thought everything
was delicious.
Oh, my, my.
And what is your name?
Jessica. Jessica Dump.
Do you mind if I
have a little taste?
Of course. It would be my honor.
Don't mind if I do.
Oh. Oh, yes.
Oh, yes, that's...
There... there it is... Oh, yes.
Mmm. Oh, mmm.
Very good, very good. Well...
It's been a pleasure
to have you today.
Please, come back anytime.
The both of you.
Todd, let me get this.
No, Jess, I got it.
-Are you sure?
-Yeah.
I'm still so full,
even though we hardly ate.
I don't think
we actually did eat.
[LAUGHS]
Gosh, there's still so much
I wanna know about you.
What do you wanna know?
Well, um, off the top
of my head, I guess...
What's the single most thing
that haunts you,
even to this day?
I knew you were gonna say that.
Well, if I had to say one thing,
I'd have to say September 11th,
Oh, my God, Todd. 9/11?
What?
Oh, yeah.
That's just a coincidence.
It was a beautiful fall day
in New York City.
Todd! You were in New York
on 9/11?
I mean, yeah,
but the date's inconsequential.
Oh.
We were on our way
to the Bronx Zoo.
My family's favorite zoo.
Great view, beautiful skyline...
Could you see the towers?
I mean, yeah, we could,
but we were there
for the animals.
That's not the point
of the story, Jess.
-Okay, sorry.
-It's okay.
The animals were hungry
that day.
Especially the gators.
Oh, my God. Todd...
Gator attack?
Sort of.
Trains.
What?
I was left on a train.
My parents got off,
but I stayed on.
I wanted to get off,
but I didn't know
what stop it was.
So I just kept riding...
and riding...
and riding...
and riding.
I was on the train
for what felt like forever.
How long?
Twenty minutes.
That's what the conductor said.
I haven't been able
to ride a train ever since.
I go to the platform sometimes
just to think.
But I can never get on.
Todd... I'm so sorry.
But what about the zoo?
What about the zoo?
Balloons!
-I haven't seen those in years!
-Come on!
Hello.
Oh, hello!
Two, please.
Well, of course. How about...
these two.
This one, and this one.
JESSICA: Thank you.
Thank you, beautiful lady.
So what about you, Dump?
Single woman,
running her own store.
You ever think of doing
something outside of trash?
I've thought about it, but...
I can't seem to wrap my head
around the idea,
with my dad still missing
or presumed dead.
Not until I find
that popsicle stick.
The one he gave me as a child.
It sounds dumb, but...
trash connects me to him.
It's like he's here with me,
you know?
I miss him so much.
Where are you, Daddy?
Daddy.
Daddy!
Daddy!
Daddy! [SOBBING]
Hey.
You're cute.
[CHUCKLES]
Well, aren't they cute?
Where did I get this?
It just feels so easy with her.
Like I can finally be myself.
JESSICA: He brings out
the best in me, Gina.
He supports my passions.
-He makes me laugh so much.
-Aw.
Feels like I've known her
for years, you know?
It sounds dumb, but it's like
he knows me better
than I know myself.
Take my hand
and slowly kiss it
Lick my fingers
like you mean it
Put my whole fist
in your mouth
And see how far it can go
TODD:
I love the way she laughs.
I love the way she cries.
But most of all...
-I love her.
-I love him.
Wow. I never said that
out loud before.
[ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING]
You know what
my favorite season is?
-What?
-You.
[LAUGHS] Todd!
What's my middle name?
-What?
-You.
You know, these last few months
have been extremely fun,
Jessica.
I feel the same way, Todd.
Jessica?
Barry! Hi! How are you?
Oh, my God, it's been so long!
How are you?
I'm good! Oh, my gosh.
Uh, this is Todd, my boyfriend.
-Boyfriend?
-Yeah, if that's okay.
Totally!
I remember you.
Pants guy.
I prefer Todd.
Barry, I thought you moved?
What are you doing here?
Oh, I just moved back.
They're opening a new
Smell Institute.
Barry's an aromacologist.
I'm a sommelier of smell.
Ooh, big shot.
So what, you just smell things?
[CACKLES LOUDLY]
Kind of.
I always smell the finest
products and produce
that comes around,
you know, searching for
abnormalities and, like, weird
inconsistencies in there.
Well, it was great to see you,
Barry.
It was great to see you too,
Jessica. You look amazing.
[SIGHS DEMURELY]
Oh, before you both go...
I'm having a little bit of
a smell fest at the
Woodwind Shed.
We're gonna be smelling
the finest products
imported straight from
the Amalfi Forest.
It's to die for.
You guys will have great fun.
You guys should totally come.
Sounds great. Thanks, Barry.
-Yeah, bye, Barry.
-Bye, Jessica.
[SNIFFS] Ahh.
[LAUGHS SOFTLY]
Pants guy.
I can't believe you dated
that guy. He's so pretentious.
I was young, dumb,
and in my twenties.
How old are you now?
Forty.
[CHUCKLING]
That's hilarious.
Oh, um...
I have a joke for you.
What do witches use
when they go to the hotel?
Uh... I don't know. More towels?
Broom service.
I should've got that one.
f*ck!
f*ck!
All right.
My turn.
Okay.
Why didn't the colt
laugh at the joke?
Oh, my God. Oh, my God!
I know this one!
Because he was a little hoarse.
Because he was a little hoarse!
[SCREAMS]
God! Oh, my God!
[HUMMING]
Whoo!
Todd, why aren't you dancing?
'Cause I don't get the joke.
Okay, a colt is a little horse.
But he didn't laugh,
because he was a little hoarse.
Yeah, I know what a horse is,
Jessica.
Then... why didn't you get it?
Because I'm a lawyer,
not Katt Williams.
Dog lawyer.
What?
Dog lawyer.
Not a real lawyer, Todd.
Apologize.
No.
You know what?
I don't need this.
Todd, no. No!
No...
What? It was a dumb joke.
That was the joke my dad read me
before he disappeared.
Jessica...
You just dumped it like trash.
Like everything else in my life.
I didn't know the popsicle stick
was your dad, Jessica!
You know what?
Why don't you just
get out of here?
No, I'll find it.
It's taken me years to find
that joke, Todd.
No, I'll find it. You'll see.
I'll find the popsicle stick.
Todd, stop!
I'm dumping you, okay?
Now it's your turn
to get dumped.
Jessica Dump is dumping me.
What?
I don't know what else to say.
I'm gonna find that
popsicle stick, Jessica Dump.
Because I love you.
You'll see!
No! [SOBBING]
[CHESTER GROANS]
Man...
I really thought he was the one,
Chester.
[SIGHS] I'm sorry, Jess.
Love is tricky.
You ever step in
a big pile of sh*t?
I'm talking, like, a messy sh*t.
Like the kind you sh*t after
a long night of dairy
and hard f*cking.
You know what I'm talking about?
Yeah, I know what you mean.
So you got sh*t on your shoe.
You're pissed about it,
so you clean it off,
and then when you clean it off,
you realize,
you've got
a great pair of shoes.
And all it took was a little bit
of that sh*t to make you
realize that.
Maybe I don't wanna be sh*t on
to begin with.
Look, everyone steps in
piles of sh*t.
We're covered in it. It's life.
I don't wanna be
covered in sh*t, Chester.
Jessica, you can't
dump your life.
Trash is only trash
once you throw it away.
Maybe I should throw it away.
I mean, everything in my life
is trash.
This place, these chairs...
and you.
You are trash, Chester.
Okay, Jessica, sweetheart,
let's talk about this
before your t*ts sh*t a brick.
No, you're not my dad!
Yes, I am!
What?
I'm your dad, Jessica.
What are you talking about?
I didn't know how to tell you.
I was worried when you were born
that I was gonna
raise you wrong,
you'd become a garbage person
like me, so I... ran off.
I thought you were dead.
I thought you died in that
Forever 31.
Forever 31 is a hellhole.
But I didn't die there.
Well, you might as well have.
I gotta go.
Jessica. Come on, wait. Jessica!
We'll talk about this.
We're Dumps!
Jessica! [SOBBING]
[ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING]
[SOBBING]
Jessica?
Oh, um...
Barry, hi.
I can smell a Dump
a mile away. [CHUCKLES]
[BOTH LAUGHING]
Are you crying?
No, um...
A bunch of children
just ran here and punched me
in the eye.
Oh, my goodness. G*ntrification.
No, I...
I just got Lasik, and...
Oh, me too!
JESSICA: Oh.
I'm so sorry.
That was all made up.
[GASPS] A fib?
The truth is...
Todd and I broke up.
Pants guy? No way.
Yeah, and I'm still just
a little shaken up about it.
Oh, Jessica Dump, I am so sorry.
Anybody would be lucky
to date you.
I just wish...
I didn't ruin my chance.
Oh, Barry, that's okay.
No, it's not okay, Jessica.
Listen, Smell Fest
is happening right now...
You should come with me.
It'll take your mind
off of things. It'll be fun.
That's okay.
I'll just stay here.
-Just come.
-Okay.
MAN: Though I'm blindfolded,
I'm using all six of my senses
as I approach this object.
I feel it, I see it, I know it.
That makes no sense!
Russ, everybody experiences
smells differently.
Mervis, tell me.
-What do you smell?
-I smell nothing.
That's insane.
We're all smelling something!
I smell the concept of nothing.
Jessica, what do you smell?
Uh, I guess I smell...
Lavender?
[ALL LAUGHING]
Good, Jessica, good.
I think I smell soap,
because I'm not an idiot.
Russ, you are correct.
It was soap.
I could've sworn it was mulch.
You know, my book
of graphic poems
was recently released,
and one of the poems
is entitled "Dirt Sluts."
I think you'd really enjoy it.
We have another item here
for you all to puff,
so please,
put on your blindfolds.
Bask in it. What do you smell?
I know this
is unorthodox, but...
I smell heartbreak.
I also smell heartbreak.
Heartbreak and... mulch.
You. I smell you.
Oh, come on, guys.
This isn't how this works.
It's just a jar of mustard.
It's true, you do smell me.
My heart is broken.
The jar of mustard reminded me
of my ex.
[ALL MURMURING SYMPATHETICALLY]
And I still love him.
I just feel so...
conflicted.
[MELANCHOLY MUSIC PLAYING]
Who is he, Jessica?
I will k*ll him!
His name is Todd Barkley.
Todd Barkley?
I know Todd Barkley.
He's my Corgi's attorney.
He got my Rufus out of
a real nasty lawsuit
with a Shih Tzu.
He got my precious little
Pookie out of a terrible
robbery charge.
If you still love this Barkley,
you can't let him loose.
You need to...
"Let him insatiate
the glorified grime
from deep within."
-"Dirt sluts will rise..."
-BARRY: Okay.
All right, all right, guys.
Why don't we just get back
to smelling, yes? Hmm.
This smelling is bullshit!
What are you still doing here,
Jessica?
Go after your dog lawyer!
You're right, Russ.
Jessica, wait.
Sorry, Barry,
but these weirdos are right.
I need to follow my heart
and my nostrils.
Fine, all right then, Jessica.
Go after your "pants guy."
But before you leave,
can I smell you, one last time?
Ugh, fine.
[SNIFFING DEEPLY]
Okay, Barry, that's enough!
Goodbye, townspeople.
Goodbye, Jessica!
-Take care.
-RUSS: Bye.
TODD: What, you've never seen
a train before?
It's not a monster.
It's just a metal tube.
It can't even k*ll you.
Coco! Oh, my God. It's you!
TODD: It's a train...
-Little baby.
-What?
Nothing.
I ride these all the time.
Where's Todd?
Oh, my God! The train!
Thank you, Coco.
It's just a metal tube.
Just a normal metal tube.
Todd! Don't do it!
Jessica?
Don't k*ll yourself, Todd.
It's just a popsicle stick!
I wasn't gonna k*ll myself.
I came out here to think clearly
by the tracks.
I love you, okay?
I love you, Todd.
It's too late, Jess.
I ruined all your hopes
and dreams,
and threw away the one joke
that you've been searching for
all these years.
It was one popsicle stick.
One joke!
I've been searching
my entire life for that
popsicle stick,
but I realized,
I've been searching
for something else.
Your dad.
No.
A good deal?
Todd, what? No.
Me?
Bingo.
I've loved you since the moment
I met you.
With your silly ripped pants,
your cute mustache,
your incredible judicial passion
for dogs...
Oh, Jess.
That infection
on your inner a*s...
The one that no other girl
knows about except for me.
-You know the one
I'm talking about, Todd.
-Yeah, I hear you.
-That puffy green ring--
-Yeah, we all heard it, Jess.
-Everyone heard that.
-Todd!
You're the one.
Reconsider?
[CHESTER GROANING]
[BELCHES] Oh, God.
You better not let her down!
Oh, it's hot.
Chester, I told you
to leave me alone!
Look, Jess, I know I f*cked this
in the a*s,
like deep, deep in the a*s,
but... I love you.
Look, I've always loved you,
and I know it might take you
a while to forgive me,
but for God's sakes,
I'm a Dump, and so are you!
You deserted me as a child.
You left me to fend for myself.
I have trust issues
because of you.
You are trash.
Yes, I am trash, okay?
But hear me when I say this:
So are you.
When you get down to it,
everyone is trash.
It's what you do with
your flaming pile of garbage
that helps you navigate through
this disgusting world.
That was beautiful, Chester.
CHESTER: Thank you.
Chester, if you knew
that you were my dad,
why would you tell me
that I have a sweet rack,
or you wished that I was back
on the market?
It was the only thing
I could think of.
I didn't want you to figure out
that I was your dad, sugarnips,
I mean, daughter.
Look, I've made some wrong turns
in this world,
but I'll continue
to fist myself in the as*h*le
if I lose you again.
Come on, Jess.
He's right.
Also, I didn't want this
to get in the way of you two
being together.
[GASPS]
You found the popsicle stick!
Yeah, I've had it taped to my...
[YELLS] ...chest...
all these years.
It got glued there accidentally.
Very painful.
But it just felt like it
belonged next to my heart.
Oh, my God!
[GROANS]
I love you, Chester-- I mean...
Dad.
I love you too, sweet t*ts.
I mean, sweetheart.
[BELCHES] Ooh.
[BELCHES]
Ah!
Now, are you two gonna
touch tongues, or what?
I don't know.
What do you say, Jessica?
Are you ready for the Dump
of a lifetime, Mr. Barkley?
Well, I usually take my dumps
in private.
But sometimes, it just hits you,
and you gotta let it loose.
Kiss, already!
Yes, come on!
[LAUGHS]
[CROWD CHEERING]
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]
Now that's what I call...
a love dump.
I had fun last night.
Okay, yeah, don't look at me.
Yeah, I don't care either.
Do you, like, love hanging out
at the park?
Is this, like, your spot?
Okay, okay.
We'll just enjoy the day.
I'm so glad you're not
going to jail.
It's taking over me
I'm not this nasty, but
Oh, please
I know that you're a nurse
Take my hand
And slowly kiss it...
Jessica!
Like this little c*ck
right here.
My dad found this behind
a Popeyes on Western Ave...
It's worth an easy $10,000.
Don't touch.
It's worth an easy 10,000 grand.
[IMITATES CLUCKING]
-You scared me.
-Sorry.
And if you take a look
over here,
we've got candles
made entirely of fecal matter.
I love candles.
What about that witch
hanging up there?
That's actually my grandma.
Based off my nan.
She was gorgeous.
Yeah... Polish.
This book, Snake Lake,
was based on a true story
about my old uncle.
-How old is he?
-Seventy-two.
He's 72, but
has the body of a 17-year-old.
That's kinda gross.
JESSICA: ...salvaging scraps
-and the ancient relics
of Kansas.
-[MOUTHING]
Where'd your dad go?
JESSICA: Nobody knows.
I like to think he's somewhere
across the world
getting fingered by dolphins.
He sounds like a real daddy.
JESSICA: Kind of.
-MAN: Say "daddy" like it's
a position in the military.
-Oh. Yeah.
JESSICA: Oh, my...
He sounds like a real daddy.
He sounds like a real daddy.
JESSICA: Sir, yes, sir.
MAN: What?
JESSICA: I only needed
one more popsicle stick.
Until I find
that popsicle stick,
it will never be completed.
Finding trash
in the Tigris River...
MAN: Stroke down to the toes
and then do it.
JESSICA: This is insane.
All I wanted was the choking,
and now everyone's...
Okay, ready?
I'm gonna love you until
the day I die.
You give the best backrubs.
You're like my family.
I forgot to shower today.
Oops.
MAN 1: God, you look...
What am I thinking of?
-MAN 2: He looks amazing.
-MAN 1: He looks like
Paul Giamatti, you know?
MAN 2: It looks like some
Paul Thomas Anderson shot.
MAN 1: Do one where you...
try not to hurt yourself,
-but like...
-Bump my head?
MAN 1: Yeah.
Yeah, there you go.
What do witches use
when they go to hotels?
Um, I don't know, more towels?
No, broom service!
Oh, should've got that one!
f*ck! f*ck. f*ck!
f*ck! f*ck!
f*ck!
What did the witches use...
f*ck!
JASON: And Jesse, could you
cheat and go back,
and Leila,
go a little bit forward.
Awesome. You the best.
LEILA: Thank you.
Todd, let me get this.
No, Jess. I got it.
-Are you sure?
-Yeah, I am sure.
[INAUDIBLE]
What?
MAN: Cut!
Oh, sh*t.
[GROWLING]
[RETCHES]
Maybe you should take a class
on letting your emotions out.
Maybe I teach that class.
-Maybe I teach it--
-Oh yeah, you do?
How do I sign up for it? Psych!
MAN 1: Ready... Action.
Couldn't be more perfect.
That's awesome...
MAN 2: Tap him on the shoulder.
MAN 1: Oh, my God. Perfect.
MAN 2: Awesome.
MAN 1: Yeah, I love that.
-MAN 2: Cool.
-MAN 1: So good.
LEILA: So f*cking good.
MAN 1: Perfect.
-Done.
-MAN 2: All right, cut.
-Hold for train.
-Hold for train.
Beat me to it.
Vanessa doesn't understand it.
I gotta get this footage
so I can--
We'll put it on your reel.
MAN 1: Hold yourself
more tighter. Yeah.
Hold it. Yeah.
Great.
[YELLING, CRYING]
I think it'd be really funny
if he walks by.
MAN 1: Wait, hold for...
These teenage boys.
MAN 1: Yeah.
Hold for these hot teens.
So, Rufus,
there's no denying it.
You definitely bit the guy.
Okay.
Chug, sit.
Sit. Sit.
Sit. Chug, sit.
"Bark, bark, I love you Leila."
"Bark, bark, I love you."
I got a little on my nose.
TODD: That's okay.
Cute dog.
TODD: He's actually not mine.
He's my client.
Oh.
-TODD: Cool. So...
-MAN: Cut.
I'm an angel's breast.
Victoria's Secret IPEX bra.
I used to get warts, as a kid.
Toads have warts,
so I developed a strong bond
with the animal.
I used to have hemorrhoids.
You think that I'm not
one-take Halpern?
LEILA: One-take wonder.
One-take Charna.
Hi, it's me, Mom.
[WHISPERING]
What was I supposed to say?
I got that boom, boom, pow
Got a loud horde
of teens coming.
-Oh, they're not teens.
-LEILA: It's a family.
Probably a few teens in there.
I'm so tired,
it's so easy to cry.
Okay, yeah, you can cry
a little bit.
God, it feels like my body
is shutting down in a fun way.
MAN: Good.
[CRYING]
So tight.
I'm worried, but I like it.
Hey!
Do you have a Target gift card?
MAN: Smile. Hi.
You look so handsome.
LEILA: Damn, Jesse, damn!
MAN: Really shake it out.
Really quick.
Bring the energy.
You're about to pass out.
Yeah, hold onto the sides.
Good, that's good.
I become... Ant Man!
I want ice cream!
I want ice cream.
All of them!
I want ice cream!
I wanted the pink balloon.
-Yeah.
-I want ice cream.
-Good job.
-No, I'm done.
Yeah!
WOMAN:
Can we just see how that looks
with you trying to cheers him
and him cheers-ing the camera?
[LAUGHTER]
MAN: I love that.
Yes, let's do that.
f*ck yeah, hell yeah.
Bye, pants guy.
-Watch out for that kid.
-TODD: You first.
You first.
TODD: You second.
Bye.
You're attractive.
-You're attractive.
-You're attractive.
You're attractive. Big t*ts.
You got big t*ts.
I have big t*ts.
My woman now.
-MAN: All right, ready?
-You're my woman.
Set, Cornell Franklin,
and... action.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
MAN: Where is she?
No, no no!
[INDISTINCT CHATTER CONTINUES]
LEILA: She only wants
snack breaks.
MAN: We have to do bloopers
in the credits and stuff.
Let's get him
a little bit more.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
WOMAN: Yeah, that's good.
That's good. Thanks, Jason.
MAN: Smack her.
Hey.
MAN: That helped, that helped.
No, hit me, hit me!
Hit me!
-Hit me!
-No.
Well, of course. How about...
Gigi, she's my favorite.
And for you...
Bronson.
Hey! They didn't pay!
MAN: And... sexy gopher.
No nodes today.
Not today, nodes. Mmm.
Mmm.
Mmm, mommy's moo milk.
Mmm.
[BLOWS RASPBERRY] Ooh!
-Ooh!
-MAN: And...
Ooh!
[MODULATING VOICE]
-LEILA: Mmm.
-MAN: We're rolling.
MAN: And let's
put the coffee down.
-MAN: Do a...
-A jig?
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Love Dump (2023)
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