36x14 - P.S. I Hate You

[bunniefuu]

Yeesh. The Dollar Store has
definitely seen better days.

[GROANS] This low-rent dump

looks like the set of a zombie movie.

- Brands...
- [GASPS]

Brands!

No one ever heard of these brands.

Look, we spent a lot of money
on food for tonight's party,

so I have to scrimp on the utensils,

paper plates, and toilet paper.

Mm.

[LISA AND BART SHUDDER]

Oh, great.

It's Helen Lovejoy.

- Quick, kids, paper towels.
- Marge? Marge Simpson.

I assumed that was you coming
out of the shame store,

so I rushed right over.

Hi, Helen.

Stocking up on potted meat
and broken ramen packets?

You know,
the church pantry is always open

to the under-fortunate.

[GROANS] I'm just getting some supplies

for my birthday party tonight.

Right. Your little backyard soiree.

For my birthday, Timothy took me

on the Josh Groban Canadian
canal cruise. [LAUGHS]

But I'm sure your thing
will be just as fun.

- [GROWLS]
- Oh, boy.

[GROWLING]

[CONTINUES GROWLING]

- [DOOR SLAMS]
- What's her deal?

She bumped into Helen
Lovejoy at the shame store

and has been growling ever since.

[LAUGHS] Don't worry.

Whenever she comes home
with a murderous rage

in her cute little eyes,
she goes upstairs for a bit,

then when she comes down,
she's cool as a mule in summer school.

I wonder what she does up there
to de-stress herself so fully.

[FEMALE AI VOICE] You've reached

your imagination limit for the month.

To keep imagining, please subscribe.

I can't imagine,
but whatever she does, it works.

All right, my loveables.

Let's throw me the best
birthday party ever.

- [INDISTINCT CHATTER]
- [LAUGHTER]

Who wants crab puffs?

- Yeah.
- Ah!

Marge, this party is a hit.

Even the Springfield celebs are here.

I know. Wolfcastle, Arnie Pye,

freaking Bumblebee Man is here.

And you know who's not here?

A bunch of snot-nosed children. Mwah.

Where'd you put them all?

[CHILDREN GRUMBLING]

I'm a pimple.

I never imagined that everyone in town

would show up for my birthday.

Of course we did, Marge.
Springfield adores you.

You're a bake sale legend.

You always have spare underwear
for my Milhouse's "uh-ohs."

Plus, you're always nice to everybody,

even the town jerks, like me and,
uh, no offense, Homer.

Oh.

By the pinots ingested in me,

I hereby decree Marge Simpson
the nicest lady in Springfield.

[CHEERING]

Last night was like
something out of a dream.

Yeah. Can you believe
I went to work naked

and my teeth all fell out?

Oh... I've enjoyed
my share of ba*ls before,

but I was never the belle of one.

And just when I thought
it couldn't get any better,

now I get to clean again.

Old sneakers, coveralls,

industrial-grade kerchief...

[GASPS]

It's gone. Where is it? Where is it?

- Where's what?
- My box. My secret box.

- The sex box?
- No. No, my box of letters.

What letters?

My secret box of hate letters.

But the sex box is okay?

[SIGHS] Okay, here it goes.

When I was a teenager,

I would occasionally...
and I'm not proud of this...

get mad.

Stupid Tim Meadows.

Why the hell would you leave SNL?

You're a linchpin.

[MARGE] Then one day,
I came across this article

that would change my life forever.

It said, when someone makes you angry,

write them a fiery letter
full of everything

you wish you could say to their face,

then never send it, and poof,

the bad feelings are gone forever.

From that day forward,
I wrote hundreds of letters,

and you know what?
It made me a much nicer person.

"Go jump in a wood chipper.
Marge Simpson."

And every time I wrote one,
I felt much better,

with all my bad feelings tucked away
and, therefore, gone.

But those letters were just for me.

They weren't meant to be read
by anyone, ever.

We have to find them.

Honey, relax. I'm sure
they're around here somewhere.

Maybe the cleaning lady moved them.

I'm the cleaning lady.

Tell us where you moved them,
or you're fired.

[PHONE CHIMES]

Uh, Mom, you got a new message
from an unknown number.

[DISTORTED VOICE] Dear Marge,
we have your letters.

If you want to see them again,
pay us $5,000.

If not,
we will show the world what a mean b*tch

Marge Simpson really is.

- [ALL GASP]
- Can we say that now?

[BART] We've got to
find that letter thief.

Okay. We've got photos

of everyone who was at
the party last night.

All our dearest friends and loved ones.

One of these scumbags is holding
your mom's letters hostage.

But who?

My money's on Jasper.

He's ugly,
and ugly people are prone to crime.

I've always hated ugly people,
and now I know why.

Guys, last night,
our friends and neighbors

came to show Mom how much they love her.

We can't just accuse people willy-nilly.

[BOTH] Willie!

Of course. He was the ugliest
guy at the party by a mile.

Let's go burn down his shack.

It's not Willie! Willie can't read!

Oh, it's hopeless. [SIGHS]

Everyone thinks I'm the
sweetest lady in the world,

like Ellen when she
started her talk show.

But if those letters get out,
they'll all hate me.

Like Ellen when she ended her talk show.

Fear not, Marge. I know who can help us,

Springfield's finest.

Sorry, can't help you.

What? Can't you trace the call

or descramble the voice or something?

I wish, but the wusses down at
the state house defunded us.

I'm sorry, Marge,
but you're on your own.

[MARGE SIGHS]

Uh, we weren't defunded, Chief.

Our budget was increased by 33%.

Yeah, but it's a great excuse

for when you want to
have a lazy Saturday.

Help. I woke up
in the bathtub with no kidneys.

[BOTH] Defunded.

[GROANS] Oh...
Those letters can't get out.

We're just gonna have to pay the ransom.

But it's $5,000.

Do you know how many kidneys
you'd have to steal to get that?

[SIGHS] I think I know
where we can get the money,

but you're not gonna like it.

Oh, I know
there's always strings attached

with you people,
but there's no one else I can turn to.

Fat Tony...

is currently out of town,
so I came to you.

So, can I borrow the money?

[BOTH LAUGH]

No dice. That's what you get
for repressing your emotions.

You see, Marge,

a woman's feelings are
a lot like her boobs.

Always locked away
when they're in public,

but you got to flop
'em out once in a while,

or you'll go bananas.

Ah, at ease, men.

The deadline's almost up.
I don't have the money.

- What am I gonna do?
- [PHONE RINGS]

Honey, wait. I've seen every movie

about angry, middle-aged men

refusing to negotiate with kidnappers.

I know how to talk to these people.

[DISTORTED VOICE] Time's up, Marge.

This is Mr. Marge, dirt butt,

and you just signed
your own death warrant

'cause I'm a retired CIA
ninja who just un-retired

to chimp chomp your face.

Hey. You listen here...

No, YOU listen, butt dirt!

We want those letters on our doorstep

by noon hundred hours tomorrow,

or I'm gonna be on you
like a Hawaiian shirt on a fat guy.

Aloha means "hello" and "you're dead."

[SINGSONGY] Fixed it.

Oh...

We haven't heard from
the letter-napper yet.

I put the fear of God in 'em, Marge.

Just like Father Snooze
up there tries to do.

Maybe you did scare them straight,

and this whole thing is behind us.

Um, before today's service,

Mrs. Lovejoy would like to make a,
um, statement,

uh, she could not be talked out of.

Unless cooler heads have prevailed?

[HUMS ANGRILY]

[SIGHS] Take it away, dear.

Last night, a vile,
horrible letter was left at our doorstep

and tore my world asunder.

It reads, "'Dear'"...
and dear is in quotes... "Helen.

"In case you haven't been made aware,
you are a...

- b*tch!"
- [CONGREGATION GASPS]

[ORGAN BLARES DISCORDANTLY]

"You're a snobby little gossip

"who derives a vampiric pleasure

in the misfortune and
minor foibles of others."

- Wow, you're a good writer, Mom.
- Shh!

"Do me a favor and keep your
surgically upturned nose

"out of my business.
Josh Groban would hate your guts.

Go jump in a woodchipper."

And it's signed by...

- Blank. The name was cut out.
- [CONGREGATION GASPS]

But I know exactly who wrote
this despicable letter.

Someone who's fooled this town for years

with her "sweet, gentle" nature.

Agnes Skinner.

[GASPS] I would never
write such vile things.

I'd say 'em to your discount Botox face.

[GASPS] Are you gonna let
her talk to me like that?

Defend my honor.

Get him, Seymour.

But-but-but he's a man of God.

Shouldn't I turn the other cheek?

Wuss fight!

[CONGREGATION CHANTING] Fight! Fight!

Fight!

[CONGREGATION CLAMORING EXCITEDLY]

[PHONE BUZZES]

[DISTORTED VOICE OVER PHONE]
Look at the mayhem

that just one of your letters can cause.

You have 60 minutes
before I release them all

and turn your life into
an abominable hellscape

of torment and woe.

Honey, you're missing the wuss fight.
What's going on?

I know just who the kidnapper is.

_

[GROANS]

More crab puffs coming right up.

Hey, Shauna.
Thanks again for babysitting.

I'm sorry I forgot to
mention it was 56 kids

instead of the usual three. How is it?

Ugh. It's an abominable
hellscape of torment and woe.

Wha...?

Oh. I'm reading a goth romance novel

and some of the vocab is sticking.

- _
- [MARGE] Hmm.

- Ooh, crab puffs.
- Up-bup-bup.

Why don't you eat the food
I left in the kids area?

But Milhouse sucked all the
pigs out of the blankets.

And Martin ate all
the corn off the dogs.

Oh, I'm sure it's not that bad.
Who wants crab puffs?

_

[BELCHES]

Ugh. Every time she hires me to babysit,

she treats me like I freakin'
work for her.

She acts like all I do around here

is watch TV and try on her clothes.

Uh, that is what you do.

Yikes. How does she pull this off

without looking like a skank?

The pearls class the whole thing up.

Psh. Everyone thinks she's such a saint.

Meanwhile,
she's starving the one babysitter

that's watching, like,
every kid in town.

Where are those kids, anyway?

Up your butt. I don't know.

[GASPS] Holy crab.

[LAUGHS] Oh, man.
This angry MILF hates everyone in town.

I thought this box
was gonna be full of, like,

pot or grandma ashes,

but this is even better.

I bet Mrs. Bart's Mom would pay anything

to keep people from
reading these letters.

Even $5,000.

[GASPS] With that kind of money,
we could start over.

Live a whole new life.

♪ Birds of a feather ♪

♪ We should stick together ♪

♪ I know ♪

♪ I said I'd never ♪

♪ Think I wasn't better alone ♪

♪ Can't change the weather ♪

- ♪ Might not be forever ♪
- [BOTH MOANING]

♪ But if it's forever.

Hmm?

Marge Simpson's gonna rue the day

she ever messed with me.

Shauna Chalmers is gonna rue
the day she ever messed with me.

[DISTORTED VOICE OVER PHONE]
...an abominable hellscape

of torment and woe!

Shauna said that exact same
phrase the night of the party.

So, she and the raccoon
are working together.

They probably stole our garbage, too.
So what's the plan?

I know that, on Sundays,
Shauna volunteers at the senior home

to steal their medications,
so this is the perfect time

to break into her house
and get those letters back.

You want to break into her house?

What would Marge say?
[GASPS] You're Marge.

Damn it.

- [BRAKES SCREECH]
- Superintendent Chalmers is home.

We're gonna have to improvise.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Oh, hello, Mrs. Simpson.

To what do I owe the
unannounced weekend visit?

Um... I'm writing an article

for the PTA newsletter about you.

Me?

Yes. An interview, really. Long form.

"Gary Chalmers:
A Profile In Competence."

Not "incompetence." "In competence."

'Cause you're great.

Hm... I wasn't aware that
the PTA's biannual, one-page,

single-sided newsletter

even did long-form interviews,

but how nice. Come on in.

Uh, don't you need a pen
or a recording device?

Uh, no.
No, I have a photographic memory.

For auditory speech?

Yes.

I think he's buying it.

[CHALMERS] I'm not buying it.

But why make up such an absurd story?

[GASPS] Oh, dear God,

Marge Simpson is coming on to me.

So, how did you become so...

super at... intending?

[CHALMERS] Well, I can't say the
thought hasn't crossed my mind.

No, Gary.
Not with another school parent.

The Van Houten woman is
still blowing up your phone.

I have to put an end to this right now.

Look, I'm very sorry, Mrs. Simpson,

but I'm gonna have to ask you...

if you would like some plum wine.

[PANTS] Come on, Homer.
Rummage like the wind.

Psh. Another stupid kid
wearing an old T-shirt

of a band they know nothing about.

I bet she can't name one song by...

Planned Parenthood.

[GASPS] Got it.

[SAMBA MUSIC PLAYING]

Oh, if there's
a lovelier music than samba,

I don't want to hear it.

Have you ever been to
[PORTUGUESE ACCENT] Brazil?

Very liberated country.

[CHUCKLES] You don't say.

- [LOUD THUMP]
- Que diabos! What was that?

Just the house settling, I bet.

With this framing? Not likely.
I better go check it out.

[GROANS]

[HOMER SCREAMS]

[GASPS]

Uh, I think I have enough
for my article, Superintendent.

Thanks again for your time.

- [TIRES SCREECH]
- But-but I-I...

[SIGHS] It's probably for the best.

[SAMBA MUSIC PLAYING]

- _
- _

We did it!

Sorry, Shauna Chalmers.
"Letter" luck next time.

What the...? Goth romance novels?

[TIRES SCREECH]

She took the letters out.

[FRUSTRATED GRUNT]

Oh, it's hopeless.

Shauna's probably spreading
them all over town by now.

Everyone's gonna know what a
terrible person I am inside.

- [LAUGHTER]
- [MARGE GASPS]

[MARGE] What the...?

My letters.

Step on it, Jimbo.

[HOMER] Marge, what are you... Ah!

[SCREAMS]

[BOTH GASP]

_

Give me back my letters.

[GRUNTS]

Go get her, Marge. I've got this punk.

[YELPS]

I don't got this punk.

[GRUNTING]

Stop right there.

Come any closer, and I'll, like-like,

drop 'em or whatever.

Why'd you do it, Shauna?

Was all this over a stupid crab puff?

No. When I found those letters,
I thought they were awesome.

You totally nailed all the
cringe-os in this cringe town.

And then I read the
letter you wrote to me.

Oh, Shauna. I never meant for you...

You called me a "hormonal little snot

with more piercings than brains."

And you're supposed to be
the nicest lady in town?

I am nice. I just write these letters

when I'm filled with anger.

And then, afterwards, I'm over it.
I swear.

There's, like,


If you're so over it,
why'd you save 'em?

[GRUNTS] Because... [GRUNTS]

...it brings me peace.

Give me my letters.

- [GASPS, SCREAMS]
- Shauna!

[GROANS]

Don't let me die.

I want to live to be
old and fat like you.

I can save you both. [SCREAMS]

No!

I got you, Shauna. [GRUNTS]

Thanks Mrs. S. I'm really sorry.

I know, sweetie.

Well, they're all out there now.

All my unspoken
grievances and resentments

for the world to read.

Hey, look. A letter from Marge Simpson,

addressed directly to me.

"Dear Chief, you give fat, do-nothing,

donut-eating cops a bad name."

"A soulless dead-eyed creepazoid."

"A greasy-fingered know-it-all."

"An amoral homewrecker
and a never-was singer."

"A deviant letch who can't keep
his busy hands to himself."

"A smoking hot comedic linchpin

who should've never left Studio 8H."

[GRUNTS]

There's the hateful
epistolist who called me

"an operatic blowhard."

Hi, everyone. I just want to apologize.

Not for having negative feelings,

but for keeping them
to myself all these years.

Even though I smiled in your face,

I was secretly furious.

And that wasn't fair to you or to me.

So do you hate us all?

No. No, I love the people of this town.

Even when we butt heads.

[BOTH LAUGH] Butt heads.

[BOTH] Aw.

But I'd rather you all think
of me as an honest person

with real, complex emotions,

and not someone who's just nice.

- Thank you.
- Let's hear it for Marge Simpson.

The most three-dimensional
woman in town.

[CHEERING]

Helen, hi.

Marge, I know it was you who
wrote me that scornful letter,

and I just wanted to say...

I'm sorry for being so snarky
and elitist in the past.

Oh. Why, thank you. Apology accept...

As someone so well
off and closer to God,

it's easy for me to look down my
naturally perfect nose at you.

But that ends now.

Oh, I'm glad to hear it.

Ugh. I envy this new you, Marge.

Honest and boorishly uncouth.

Right.

Anyway, I'm off to the good hairdresser.

Oh, not the one you're thinking of,
this one's better. Toodles.

Oh, wait, wait. O-One more thing, Helen.

Yes?

- Kiss my a*s!
- [GASPS]

[TIM] "Dear Marge,
where the hell do you get off?

"My career choices are nobody's business

"but mine and maybe my manager's.

"The next time you want to tell me

"what other
'bone-headed mistakes' I've made,

"I hope you'll do me a favor

"and go jump in a wood chipper.

Sincerely yours, Tim Meadows."

Wow. That does feel good.

"Dear Lorne Michaels,
where the hell do you get off?"

"Dear TGI Fridays,
where the hell do you get off?"

"Dear Sunglass Hut,
where the hell do you get off?"

"Dear Quiznos,
where the hell do you get off?"

- Shh!
- [TIM] Where the hell do you get off?