01x02 - The Harvey

[bunniefuu]

Previously on SurrealEstate

- I'm Luke Roman.

- Are you a priest?

I'm the Real Estate guy.

I'm about one thing:

protecting the God-given

market-driven value of your property

from anything in this world

Or the next.

You're talking about haunted houses?

Everybody, this is

Susan Ireland, our new agent.

Zooey, our office manager.

Father Phil. He does our research.

August designs some of

our proprietary technology.

What exactly do we do?

The client is Donovan. Megan.

You know the drill. Complete

psychokinetic triage,

malevolent entity evaluation.

You're the ghost guy.

Ah!

The technical term is telekinesis.

This happened to you,

when you were my age?

Your house? I've been

watching it for a while.

Before your grandfather

bought the place,

she came next door to

complain about the weeds.

Nobody ever saw that lady again.

Your mother?

I believe it's going

to be very interesting

working for you.

I believe that you're right.

Come on.

Dad!

Come on! Dad!

Calm down.

Oh, god, no!

His pants were ripped

and everybody could see his underwear.

And he didn't know.

I wonder how long he had

to walk around like that

with everybody looking at his underwear?

Jamie?

Who are you talking to?

Just Rory.

Well, tell Rory it's bedtime, okay?

Goodnight.

Goodnight.

I don't like him.

He's my dad.

It's been so long

since I've had somebody to play with.

Now he wants to take you away.

We have to move.

My mom has a new job.

Please don't go.

Please.

Or Rory and I will eat you up.

Morning!

If our coffee was any worse,

we'd qualify as a Superfund site.

Oh, excuse me.

Right.

You know, it's amazing

how the introduction

of just one foreign body

can disrupt one's Feng Shui.

Mm. Ugh!

Well, now that Rita's

not breathing down our necks

I'd like to step back

and give you the kind of orientation

that any new associate deserves.

Orientation?

I'm not going to presume to teach you

anything about real estate, but, uh,

our way of doing things

might be different

from what you're

- I do things a certain way.

- It's just

My process has been

honed to a razor sharpness

by years of experience and results.

I respect your honing,

but there are things that

you'll come up against here

that may be new.

I'm not scared.

The Quincys.

Tom and Patty, son Jamie.

Three-bedroom, two

bath, 2,600 square feet.

Nice place.

Very nice.

Nice neighborhood, nice price.

But they had two buyers

walk out of their contracts

after inspections and one prospect

he literally ran from the house

in the middle of a showing.

She's very pretty.

Who?

Seems nice, too.

You're referring to the homeowner?

Megan Donovan. You're kind of into her.

I was evaluating the curb appeal.

She's in a relationship.

And she's a client.

Oh. Well. Sorry.

Capulets, Montagues.

Forbidden.

I like to keep my life

in neat, little piles.

Work - personal.

I'll have to try that sometime.

So, all these years living here?

Nothing.

We put it up for sale

and everyone starts hearing

things and seeing things

Yeah, well, everybody but us.

The inspector said he

heard a child crying

as if her heart would break.

You have a little boy, don't you?

Jamie was in school.

And when the prospect

walked out in the middle?

Ran. That lady ran out of here.

The agent said she saw

some sort of apparition

floating in the hall.

Well, she's crazy.

Aren't you guys supposed to

screen out the crazy people?

Well, sadly, the mortgage

prequalification process

only goes so far.

As she left, she gave us your name.

Look, I want to make something clear:

we don't believe in ghosts,

or spooks, or evil spirits

or any of that crap, okay?

Look, we don't believe in anything.

We're Presbyterian.

Patty starts the new job in two weeks.

Spent a fortune on the

new place out there.

This double mortgage is eating us alive.

So, can you help us or not?

Yes. Yes, we can.

We'll prepare a

personalized marketing plan

targeting the demographic

and income levels

predisposed to this neighborhood,

configuration and amenity set

and use a proprietary algorithm

to identify and exploit channels

to reach them at their

most sensitive touchpoints.

Uh, the master suite's down the hall.

It's got a really nice sitting area.

Hm.

I blame those inspectors.

Know what? They're just

looking for something.

Oh, is this a whirlpool?

And real estate agents?

Don't get me started.

I won't.

Mom, I can't find my red jacket.

Honey, we're a little busy right now.

Put Josh back in the cage,

make sure it's latched, okay?

This must be Jamie.

Hi.

An oasis of luxurious living!

It's impossible to overstate the appeal

of those kinds of intimate spaces.

What did they want?

They're here to sell the house.

But I don't want you to go.

I know, but I My family

I'm your family!

And if you move, I'll be all alone.

Again.

I'll be so sad.

I'll do

something to myself.

I'll climb out that

window and up onto the roof

and I'll jump! I'll die!

My bones will break

and blood will come out

of my eyes and it'll be all your fault!

Hey, everybody! New client.

Hey! You're back!

You sound surprised.

Our track record

with new employee

retention has been, um

lacklustre.

Okay, so, 12 Marion Drive.

Haverford neighborhood.

Sweet.

I need you to do a history on

the house and underlying dirt.

Homeowners say that they

never had an encounter,

but I picked up something

from the boy. He had a secret.

What? You thinking a Harvey?

I don't know. Maybe a Lassie.

The aural emanations

might tell us something

about trajectory and intent.

Just add it into the

standard PKT protocol.

Anything else?

Um, just a couple of things.

Father Phil, I have

opened a Dropbox folder

on the Quincy account.

If you could send me all your research,

I'll add it in so we have

a comprehensive database.

See, ah,

it's just that I like

to keep my own files.

Sure, but if we have everyone's data

in a centralized location,

it's easy for everyone to access. Okay?

Probably not going to do that.

August, I assume you'll physically go

to the Quincy house to do

these initial tests of yours?

The beginning is the most

important part of the work. Plato.

Ah, I have a plumber going

to the house tomorrow.

So, maybe we could coordinate our ETAs

to make sure we're not, like,

descending on the Quincys

all at once?

I dislike plumbers.

My ETA is liquid.

See, the plumber is really important

and you can do your

thing anytime, right?

So, maybe we both submit

our avails to Zooey

and she could work up a spreadsheet?

Oh, maybe I could send you

one of the templates I created?

Yeah. And then maybe

I could print it out

and you could roll it up

and shove it up your

Maybe this meeting is finished.

Lots to do, everybody!

So, a couple more things.

Yep.

What's a Harvey?

It's shorthand for imaginary friend.

It was this movie with Jimmy Stewart

Ah. I am aware of the rabbit movie.

So, a Lassie is?

A helpful spirit that

latches onto a living being,

usually a child.

So, why not just say that?

Why'd you say ETA instead

of estimated time of arrival?

And so a PKT is?

Psycho-Kinetic Triage.

It's an initial evaluation

that gives us our, uh,

baseline snapshot into a

property's level of engagement.

It's all so new.

So odd.

Relax.

It's like learning French.

First, you immerse yourself

in it, then you listen,

and study and, before you know it,

you're speaking it all on your own,

murdering the verbs and

giving the locals a good laugh.

Think the locals hate me already.

Nobody hates you.

We need you.

You might wanna mention that to them.

All right.

But please ask August to call me ASAP.

Yes, I'm here staging the house now.

This little boy's room is a w*r zone.

Yes, Zooey, I believe a disorderly room

is indicative of a disorderly life.

My potty training was and

remains none of your business.

Just have August call me. Thank you.

You have your wheel.

I have mine.

Help me!

What?

Who-who are?

Betsy! My doll.

I can't go home without Betsy!

Where is she?

Up there. I can't reach her.

Yes? What? Who is it?

Not the plumber.

If it meets with your

exacting scheduled parameters,

I'll be arriving at the

Quincy house shortly.

August, I saw her!

A-a little girl.

If one works at

Yellowstone National Park

one should not be

surprised to encounter a bear

every once in a while.

Have you told Luke?

It just happened!

Tell him. I'll be there shortly.

Susan! What's up?

I'm in the little boy's room.

I-I-I just saw her. A-a-a little girl.

She was wearing a red dress

She was here and then she wasn't.

Okay, you need to download Father Phil.

I need to run a quick errand and

then I'll be back at the office.

And then we

We find her unfinished business

and-and finish it, right?

Yeah.

But first we need to be sure

exactly what we're dealing with.

You okay?

Sure.

Yes. I got this.

Selfies? Really?

Oh, hi! I didn't see you.

Yeah. Obviously.

I really wasn't taking

selfies with your house.

That would be creepy.

No, it's just sometimes

these properties can

act a little differently

when your back is turned.

How does a house act differently?

Oh, I've had exterior

colours change, windows shift.

I had one once I turned my back

and the central chimney

extended by six feet.

Like it was giving me the finger.

I don't know when to believe you.

I know we faced down evil together

and tossed it a pork chop,

but I still have these

moments when I think maybe

you should be detained and studied.

Ah, you'd have to buy me dinner first.

So, uh, that's why you came by?

Just wanted to let you

know that we are on the job.

Phil is tracking down

the original paperwork

on the house and August is doing what

August does.

I just want to

Excuse me.

Brock, put on pants!

Kids walk to school past here.

Oh, my god.

So, we check the title

history for surprises.

- We update the website and brochure.

- Mm-hm.

We revitalize the floors and

we fluff up the throw pillows.

Then we pop a couple amyl

nitrates under our nostrils

and we sell this thing!

I am not going to miss this place.

Me neither.

Not the place, no.

Talked to Susan,

but I can't find any evidence

of a post-animative tether

connecting the house to any little girl.

It's a pretty bold move for a Harvey.

That's what I thought.

Did she freak?

Susan?

Mm.

No, actually.

Ah!

Ah!

Oh! August! Oh, my God!

Are you, uh, all right?

Did you see it?

It was It was this

huge black bird and

It attacked me and then-and

then it was gone! It was

I mean, it was a crow or something.

Sounds like a raven.

A raven? Are you certain?

Never more.

No, pigtails.

Braided.

And her eyes were blue.

Oh, she was such a pretty little girl.

And so sad.

A little girl did this to you?

No. It was a crow!

- No, actua

- Or a raven!

Whatever it was, it was huge!

Like the size of a condor,

or a Jonas brother.

So what about the dress?

Red.

Gingham print

Old-school.

That's it. That's her.

You weren't near a Wendy's, were you?

Hey!

Say hello to our little friend.

What were you doing in the attic?

The little girl said she

left her doll up there.

Wait and you believed her?

She's dead, right? Why would she lie?

Could you give us a second?

So, I have a couple who

wants to see the Quincy house.

I know it's still a

little, like, problematic,

but these buyers are motivated,

and I think it's best if we

Not yet.

I understand the spooky

little girl of it all,

but these people are

pre-qualled and motivated.

They are jacked to transact

and I think it's best if we

I want you to look at something

that happened eight months ago.

but by the time

fire crews arrived, the home

was burning out of control.

All four occupants of the

home are believed dead:

Mr. and Mrs. Henry

Travis, daughter, Alexis,

and son, Martin.

Investigators suspect a

gas leak, and the family

Family

A very nice family.

They'd experienced a

few minor phenomena,

a few moans and rattles,

moving furniture

Certainly nothing dangerous.

Or so we thought.

But we failed them.

I failed them.

I believed the thing that told me

that it just wanted to see

how a real family worked

and then move along.

But the investigators found

the parts of the bodies

of that nice family of four

in eleven smoking pieces,

and what I'm getting at here, Susan,

is those things, they can hurt you!

They are dangerous.

And until you learn a

little more about them,

you might want to think

about doing things our way.

No!

Jamie! Honey! Don't move!

Cindy! Please, don't

Tom! Help!

She's going to jump.

Cindy! Cindy, don't!

Hang on, buddy! Just

away from the edge, buddy.

I can't! She's going to jump!

Bye, Jamie.

He kept saying that

"she" was going to jump.

But he won't tell us who "she" is.

Susan's going to have our contractor guy

come and fix that attic window.

Yeah, well, tell him to bolt it shut.

You bet.

Maybe, until we figure this out,

you folks should get a hotel

What? So Jamie can

follow his imaginary friend

onto an even higher roof?

Or maybe into the pool?

I have a better idea:

how about you people do your jobs?

Is it okay if I?

You gave your parents a scare.

Do you want to tell me

about the little girl?

What's her name, Mary, I think?

Cindy.

Cindy, yeah.

My friend, Ms. Ireland, she saw Cindy.

Scared her to death.

But you're not scared, right?

Not supposed to

I'm sorry, I couldn't

I'm not supposed to talk about her.

She-she says if I tell people about her,

we can't be friends anymore.

And if we're not friends

What happens if you can't be friends?

She says she'll hurt somebody.

Well, that's not very nice.

Cindy says she's the only family I need.

That we can play together forever.

Kind of sounds like you

wish that Cindy would just

leave you alone.

Jamie, you have to promise

me you won't do anything

Cindy tells you to do that's dangerous.

Like yesterday on the roof.

Okay?

You say no.

'Cause we have to help Cindy

go where she's supposed to go.

Just you and me.

It's just

I don't have many friends.

I didn't either when I was your age.

You know what?

I still don't have that many friends.

But the ones I do?

The ones I do have are

really, really good.

And that's the way it's

going to be with you.

I can tell.

Come on.

Ms. Ireland, she brought cookies

and they're shaped like

little mortgage lenders.

You're gonna love 'em.

Wow.

Lucky somebody wasn't hurt.

You have no idea.

I gotta go.

Anthony, bolt this up tight

after you get it fixed.

Kid-proof. You got it.

Send us the bill.

Hey, family discount!

Remember

no showings until we

get this figured out.

No showings. Check!

That tune.

It's from The Mikado.

The lady knows her

Gilbert from her Sullivan.

We did Pirates of

Penzance in high school.

I was Mabel.

I totally believe you as Mabel!

I was in a community theater

production of The Mikado.

Just the chorus one

of the Gentlemen of Japan.

No small parts.

Oh, god! The Mikado.

The music, the pageantry,

the casual racism!

Oh.

This is Susan Ireland.

Yes.

I am telling you, Mike, this

house is perfect for you!

I just can't show it right now.

I hope you ca

Cash?

No, I get it, Mike, I do, but, uh

Well, it's not a matter of

compensation, but I think

Eight a.m.

But do not tell anyone.

This is our secret, okay?

I'm sorry!

Please, no!

You talked to the man about me.

I didn't tell him anything!

I should punish you.

But I love you, Jamie.

I would never hurt you.

But I have to hurt somebody.

Otherwise, you won't learn.

Cindy, don't.

Please, please no!

Stop!

Please, Cindy, no, not my parents!

No.

Josh.

Josh, no!

See?

We learned something today.

When I saw this master

suite for the first time,

I made a noise which I have not

been able to duplicate since.

It is nothing less than an urban oasis,

a sanctuary in which

Did you hear that?

What?

Sounds like somebody crying.

There is a sitting room adjacent to the

actual sleeping area for

reading or quiet reflection.

What the hell was that?

Noisy pipes?

Can we have a word?

The Quincys need to sell this place.

The pressure's on.

I told you no showings

for a good reason.

She's just a little girl!

It is a mask!

A disguise for something so powerful

that it could k*ll you.

Now, where are Tom and Patty?

Running errands.

Luke, I need the autonomy

to sell my listings my way.

Susan, you are the best agent

that I ever saw.

But on issues like this,

you need to check in with me

on everything.

You need to trust me

or go work somewhere else

Somewhere where the barriers to a sale,

they don't come with

so many sharp teeth.

Come on, Cindy.

No games.

What did I just say?

You're different from the others.

You are exactly what I expected.

I'm so lonely.

I don't understand where everybody went.

My mommy, my daddy?

They went up to the

light and I couldn't

Bullshit.

You are something old and ugly.

You're mean.

You have no idea.

You like games?

Well, the game is on.

- Luke? I

- Get out, I'm working!

I don't know, Mom.

I just have this feeling

I've stepped in a huge vocational turd.

Oh, it has to be better

than working for that

Ugh Livingston person.

I was too needy.

I pushed him back into

the arms of his wife.

Well, you should have pushed

him into a woodchipper.

I thought I landed

this really sweet gig.

Doing what I love in

a fresh new paradigm.

A clean start.

Okay, so what happened?

The boss, the guy who hired me, Luke?

I thought he was this really great guy.

He's a little weird, but

it's been a sliding scale lately.

He just really disappointed me today.

And none of the others like me.

Well, it's your first

week. Give 'em time.

They laugh at me!

They use obscure words

that I-I don't understand.

It's

It's just not at all what I had hoped.

You don't think you're being

just a little tough on them?

Mom.

Well, you know you tend to

be impatient with people,

expecting them to fall in

line right away and come around

to your perfect way of doing things.

My way is not always perfect,

but it's so much better

than everybody else's!

I said that out loud, didn't I?

So, what, I'm just supposed

to lower my standards?

Oh, this isn't about

lowering your standards, love,

It's about opening your heart.

Let them see who you really are.

I bet they'll like her.

Working late, I see.

Is that the Quincy place?

Yes.

Nothing much happening now

but let me, uh, play you back an event

the sensors picked up this morning.

That's about the time I was there.

It appeared to be a light

to moderate engagement

right up to here.

Then it became something

completely different.

A huge power drain when it changed.

We have a, uh

doughboy, perhaps?

No, this is nastier than a doughboy.

More powerful. An LRG?

God help us.

How long to whip up

a 30 angstrom M.E.D.

In a portable yet stylish container?

Not long.

But it would only work against the beast

in its true form.

During one of those spikes.

Luke?

You must be careful.

If this is

what I think it is,

it is old,

it is cunning.

It also has an ego and

is easily distracted.

Use that.

But remember

it only exists to

inflict pain and sorrow.

And it sees you coming.

You got it right.

Zooey, what we need

is a way to coordinate

our subcontractor visits.

I don't care if it's a-a

database, a spreadsheet,

whatever.

You design something, I will use it

and I will make sure

everyone else does, too.

Fair enough?

I have thoughts.

Uh, Susan?

Thank you for the quad long

shot medium-in-a-large-double cup

half-caff salted caramel

mocha latte with two pumps

of vanilla and extra foam.

You're welcome.

Black coffee. No room for cream.

Yeah. Thanks.

Perfect!

These are from the deep

dive we're doing on Quincy.

I'll-I'll get them

to you as soon as I

Your files, your rules.

Send me whatever, whenever.

It's a deal.

Do you know him? The repair guy.

We met.

Hey, Mabel!

I am the very model of a

modern building contractor ♪

I do this for a living now

because I'm such a bad actor ♪

Oh, come on!

That nearly rhymed,

Mister Office Decorum.

I just love him.

Yeah, I married him.

Now, if only we can get him

over his painful shyness.

Hm.

Susan, you got a minute?

Yep.

I need you to come with

me to the Quincy house.

Okay.

Look, I am sorry about yesterday.

We are dealing with things that, well

you just don't understand them.

Hell, I don't understand them!

But I know them.

So, how about sharing what you

know and being open and honest

instead of expecting me to check

with you every time I need to

wipe my

luxurious granite countertops?

Point taken. Come on.

In the spirit of

candor and transparency,

I should let you know that the

Quincys fired us last night.

- Oh.

- I did tell you

this would happen.

Can I ask why we're going back there?

A little boy is in danger.

You mean a little girl, right?

There is an entity we call an LRG.

Which stands for?

Little Red's Granny.

It's a particularly nasty

demon that assumes a friendly,

nonthreatening form in

order to seduce its victim.

And consume him.

Eat his life.

God.

Well, what can we do?

August built a device

that could destroy it

on the atomic level,

but I need to trigger it

when the LRG is stressed,

angry and distracted and

assumes its true form.

I'll have maybe a second.

So what am I supposed to do?

The tough job.

You need to talk to the parents.

Absolutely not!

What part of "you're fired"

do you people not get?

Yeah. I can't waste any more time.

Well, where do you think you're going?

That's it I'm calling the cops!

Please! Let me explain.

What's he doing up there? Jamie!

Listen!

I know you think my boss

is an incredible flake.

I agree!

He's a flake and-and nothing he says is,

on the surface, credible.

We agree! Common ground!

And I know you don't

believe in these things

and, you know what? I don't

believe in them either.

We are wearing the same jersey!

But you need to understand:

Luke gets results.

And I don't just mean he sells houses

Sure, he does, but he does it

by fixing the stuff that's wrong.

And in your case, that means

getting rid of the thing

that lured your little boy up on a roof.

Luke is a good guy.

Give him a chance.

Cindy?

I'm back!

I brought a real game.

You wanna play?

This is all so strange.

What does the horsey do?

You can drop the little-girl routine.

We know it's a lie.

Jamie knows, don't you, Jamie?

Don't you see what he's trying to do?

He's trying to break up our friendship!

Our family!

Knock it off!

It's your move.

I don't like this game.

No, you'd rather play kids' games.

Games you can win.

That's really pathetic.

You're too stupid

and you're not capable

of playing with adults.

You'd be surprised what I'm capable of.

Then go ahead.

It's your move.

Wrong, stupid.

The rook can only move this way

and this way.

Huh. Geez.

You're like an insult to

nine-year-old girls everywhere.

You know, you almost had me for a while.

First, you know, I thought

you were this little lost girl

with zero fashion sense who

was searching for the light.

And then I thought you

were this badass demon

that was out to kick a*s and eat lives.

I hardly would have worked up a sweat

had I actually known I was up against

Casper's not-very-bright niece

whose only superpower

was emotional instability and Candyland.

Mine!

So, that time is booked

but I might be able to

sneak you in at three.

I'm expecting two competing

offers above asking,

so tell your buyer

to bring her checkbook

and practice her kickboxing.

We may have to settle

this in The Octagon.

Okay, bye.

Quincy place?

It's what I do.

You really saved this, Susan.

You pulled it out of the fire.

The Quincys are still

clients, Jamie is safe

and I'm not in jail.

And that is all because of you.

Thank you.

You played a minor, yet

integral role yourself.

I'm just happy to help the ballclub.

I didn't even mind when

you called me a flake.

I believe the term you employed

was, "an incredible flake."

You mad?

Got into this business for

one thing: to sell houses.

Most of our clients are skeptics;

they don't believe in the very

thing they hired us to manage.

Now, the best that we can

do The best you could do

Is make sure that they believe in us.

You got plans tonight?

Dinner with my mom. You?

Nothing special.

You want to come?

She'd love to meet you!

We're going to make cookies

shaped like little stacks

of closing documents.

Thanks, but, um,

keep your family time. It's important.

I never realized how

important until my dad died.

Now I know.

One Mississippi,

two Mississippi,

three Mississ sippi.

So, I believe the subject

was angels.

Never trusted them.

Well, you don't trust anybody.

That's a two.

What were we talking about?

Angels.

Angels! Right!

So

I could never trust a team

that had in their Hall of Fame

a guy named Vladimir.

I mean, you kids who never

lived through the Cold w*r,

you don't know what it was like.

Going through your day,

knowing you could be just

minutes away from a

Russian nuclear attack.

Vladimir Guerrero was

Dominican, not Russian.

That sounds like something

a Russian spy would say.

You know, that, uh

that girl you had out here

the other day was pretty.

At the batting cages?

You saw Susan.

Yeah, I-I'm a fool for redheads.

Always was.

Susan is a co-worker and a colleague.

And a real estate Ninja warrior.

You two, uh, as they say, are sympatico?

No. And they don't say that anymore.

Well, it's a new world.

I'm glad I didn't live to see it.

You going to putt or what?

You know, you're a good boy, Luke.

Better than me in every way.

And that's the way it should be.

But you always did poorly with women.

I did poorly?

Do I need to remind you of your

own track record with women?

Why the second Sunday in May

will always tear my guts out?

Except when the Padres win.

Sometimes even then.

Good night, Dad.