01x03 - For Sale by Owner

[bunniefuu]

Previously on SurrealEstate

Your house? I've been

watching it for a while.

Before your grandfather

bought the place,

she came next door to

complain about the weeds.

Nobody ever saw that lady again.

Your mother?

I'd like to give you

the kind of orientation

that any new associate deserves.

There are things that

you'll come up against here

that may be new.

Our track record

with new employee

retention has been, um

lackluster.

Megan Donovan.

You're kind of into her.

She's in a relationship

and she's a client.

Neat little piles.

This is exactly

what we're looking for

- Oh, what a view!

- I know.

It's my favourite view in the world.

My great-grandparents owned the land

for a few years before

they could afford to build.

But they still came up every

summer and pitched a tent.

Some nights, when the sun sets,

it looks like the lake is on fire.

Takes your breath away.

How lovely.

Listen

If you listen closely,

you can still hear Grammy

gasping for air.

It took her breath away.

Literally.

Forever. She croaked.

Who wants to see the kitchen?

It's nothing fancy, but it works.

Why all the knives?

My family loves a sharp knife.

Long story.

Let's go see the deck!

This is magnificent

Yeah, it's a thing with my family.

We spread the ashes

in the lake every time

someone buys it at the cottage.

How many people have died here?

I had a cousin who dove off the dock

and broke his spine.

My Uncle Roger threw out his back

trying to kick the cat

and took too much oxycodone.

Oh. Oh, no.

Oh, no!

- Oh, my god!

- Are you okay?

The house!

The house hates you.

Run! Now!

So she failed to sell the place.

Just the latest in a

long line of failures

for my big sister, Harper.

You co-own the cottage?

Yeah, we inherited it from our parents.

See, I do the finances

and she just lives there.

I mean, we call her the

"caretaker" but, honestly,

she's got nowhere else to go.

- You never rent it out?

- Never have.

Harper insisted she

could sell it herself

without an agent.

Well, you could remove your

own appendix, too, but ouch.

Yeah.

Anyhow, it's, uh,

been six months

and we've had a ton of

showings and zero offers.

Why do you think it hasn't sold?

Old place. Middle of nowhere.

Apparently, some odd stuff happens.

What kind of odd stuff?

Look, man, I mean

isn't this kind of what you do?

I mean, drive up there,

talk to Harper.

Well?

Get to it. Chop-chop.

My research associate is on the case.

We'll get back to you.

What a tool.

I need signatures.

Susan?

I'm jumping on a new

listing. I need you to cover

one of our regulars, William Larson.

As in the author?

He is the author.

William Larson?

The master of modern horror?

Don't get starstruck.

Larson is kind of a

- challenge.

- d*ck?

Every time he starts writing a

new novel, he buys a new house.

So, he's a frequent flyer.

He's a sure-fire closing.

Can you squeeze him in?

Maybe Zooey will bring you up to speed.

Hey. I worked up a fact sheet

for you on the North cottage.

That place has racked up a body count.

Can you email it to me?

I got an errand to run.

So, do you want me to upload

some of Larson's previous homes

for comps?

Sure. I have some

properties in mind already.

Just so you know, Larson's

not like our other clients.

- He's very

- I've worked with celebrities before.

Trust me. This is what I do.

Trust me. This is what I do.

Hey, you.

Sorry to bother you. Uh

I was just, um

What?

Ah, nothing. Hm.

I was just, uh

I'll have August come

by for a follow-up.

Make sure that portal gate

in the basement is holding.

You can't just check it yourself?

Like, now, maybe?

Uh, actually I have to head

up north for a few days.

But August, he'll take care of it.

Well, I better be going.

Brock moved out.

Really?

We're done.

Oh, okay. Ah, sorry to hear.

Not so sorry, but I am surprised.

Are you okay?

I'm okay.

So, I'll, uh, I'll see you around maybe?

'Course.

I'm your residential

real estate specialist.

You'd be the real estate guy.

Uh, Luke Roman.

Harper?

Harper.

Harper.

Told Callum we didn't need you. But no.

He prefers to flush thousands

of dollars down the toilet.

He's such a tool.

He spoke so well of you.

Nobody is flushing any money away.

In fact, I think your price is too low.

Really?

Yeah. It gives the buyer the impression

that there's something

secretly wrong with the place.

Is there something secretly

wrong with the place?

You tell me.

Come on, before it gets dark.

You don't want to be here after dark.

- It's beautiful.

- Oh, yeah.

Beautiful, right?

Except at night when it's pitch black

and anything can and anyone can

Shiplap ceiling is original.

Yeah.

Kitchen is not fancy.

But functional.

Might want to lose a

few of these knives.

Unless you're planning on

selling it to the Borgias.

Let's go out on the deck.

Oh, I love this!

Do you mind if I ?

That's special.

Grampa made it for Grammy when

That would be your

grandmother, Samantha North.

Right.

She died here, right?

Grammy Sam, yeah.

And if you listen closely,

you can still hear her

gasping for

Sounds like a bunch of people

caught their shuttle to glory here.

Aunts, uncles, cousins.

Yeah.

And their mortal remains

are scattered on the lake, forever

Is that like a family tradition thing?

Like some families open their

presents on Christmas Eve?

That I find creepy. I love the deck.

Your brother mentioned you had

some odd stuff happening here.

Footsteps.

Loud bangs in the middle of the night;

the screams of tormented souls

Uh-uh-huh, uh-huh

- Oof. That is scary.

- Yeah.

How'd you hurt your arm?

A whipping wind

came at me from hell itself.

Then

a strange force

pushed me down the stairs!

Sweet god, no!

It's happening again!

Right.

The wind from hell.

Or maybe

Ohh.

The Dyson Cool Tower up there.

You have a remote in your pocket.

Either that or you touched

your butt for another reason

that's absolutely none of my business.

You're good. Okay?

A beginner would have just

made some spooky noises

or rigged a door to open by itself.

But the puff of cold air?

That was a nice touch.

Following it up with the

physical hurl down the stairs?

Now, that is commitment to the craft.

My friend respect.

Who the hell are you?

I'm just the guy who's

going to sell your cottage.

I came to see if it was

supernaturally compromised.

But I think the only

compromising factor

is you.

You're some kind of ghost hunter?

I'm a real estate guy.

You hungry? I'm hungry.

The houses that you sent to me

they are all wrong!

A complete waste of my time!

Where is Luke?

Uh, unfortunately,

Luke is unavailable right now.

So, I-if you could give me a

little hint of-of what your

I have a story

that needs to flow out of me.

And that cannot happen

unless the environment I am in

lets that flow

remain uninterrupted.

Stacy!

Are you going to blow my flow?

No.

Then tomorrow

you had better show

me the most messed-up,

walls bleeding, chain rattling,

Bloody-Mary-in-the-mirror

haunted houses in twelve states,

or I will be taking my business

elsewhere.

So, just for clarity,

you want a house that's

Haunted! Yes.

Metaphysically engaged!

Demonically possessed!

I want a house

that's gonna make Amityville

look like the house on Pooh Corner.

I want a house

where every night is

going to be Halloween

and where every day is going to be

Dias de los Muertos.

You comprende?

Comprendo.

Huh, we'll see.

So, how did it go?

What a strange person.

Mm-hm.

You're welcome.

This file says Larson.

There's a Larson file?

Once William gets

settled in a new place,

Luke starts a new file.

Abandoned places,

clients who won't listen, odds and ends.

There are no details. Only addresses.

This would have been

great information to have.

You were so confident.

You said, "Trust me."

Next time,

consider trusting me.

Luke wanted me

to do a check-in at the

Donovan house tomorrow.

Portal's been closed for weeks.

Something going on?

I was hoping you could tell me.

Is it just me,

or is Luke taking an unusual

interest in this property?

Searchers after horror

haunt strange, far places.

H. P. Lovecraft.

So, it's not just me.

No. He's clearly hot for the homeowner.

Great. Thanks.

It's not like I never

left. I went to college.

What'd you study?

Biodiversity conservation.

Worked as a parks warden at

Dogwood for three summers.

And then they offered

me a supervisor position.

But, ah

sometimes I regret not taking it.

Why didn't you?

That was the year Callum and I

took ownership of the cottage.

After your dad passed?

Somebody had to keep up the place and

it was supposed to be temporary,

but I haven't left since.

I know I'm in the right place;

place I belong.

This is nice. It's been a while

since I had someone to talk to.

So, what happens now?

I put the word out. We show. We sell.

And you move on.

So, meanwhile, tonight

I'll get you some clean linens

for the guest room.

I have to make a few calls.

Going to take a look around.

You'll leave the door unlocked?

Sure. It's a very safe neighborhood.

I'm going to bed. The door's unlocked.

Okay. Thanks. Good night.

Forget something?

Harper, if this is a fake-out,

you've outdone yourself.

Samantha.

Wait, don't go.

Morning.

Mind if I, uh ?

I remember when these

chairs were filled. Mm-hm.

My folks, my grandparents,

cousins and aunts, uncles.

Speaking of relatives, um

you haven't seen any of

them around lately, have you?

My dead relatives?

Just dotting the I's and whatnot.

No.

Uh-huh.

So, uh, family meals.

Was kind of a big deal?

Grammy Sam had a rule:

no arguing while eating.

But we fought like feral

cats the rest of the time.

Did your parents fight?

Hardly ever.

Anyway, I have some good news;

a lot of interested buyers.

Do you mind if I put

out one of our signs?

Mm. Good luck.

Mine keep blowing over

and end up out in the lake.

Hey, if real estate was easy,

anybody could do it.

So, uh, can I borrow your shovel?

It's in the shed. I'll go grab it.

Hello? Testing, testing. One, two, three.

This thing on?

Should I grab a pork chop now?

Uh, it's just interference.

Probably from your Wi-Fi router.

Uh, welder did a fine job.

Great.

Did you, uh,

find the spectral raccoons?

Hi. Uh, one of the neighbors

reported a glowing raccoon

in his recycling bin.

On further reflection,

the neighbor admitted that

it might have been some

particularly good weed.

Or particularly bad weed.

Anyway, weed.

- How's everything here?

- Satisfactory.

Yeah, I told Luke everything is fine.

Well, he likes to be thorough.

He seems to have a special interest

in this house, don't you think?

I mean, I guess it's only natural,

seeing how his mother

used to live next door.

Luke's mother?

And this was the last place

that they saw her alive.

And you have no idea

what I'm talking about.

Huh.

Go

Stop, now, stop.

Now this is what I'm talking

about! Dark and foreboding.

Grand dramatic staircase.

The heads of dead animals

This place is trying way too hard!

What's next?

We call this the Red House!

The colour of warning

and danger; of seduction!

And lobsters.

- And sexuality!

- And communists.

And sin!

And next!

Come on!

This house is literally oozing!

With possibilities!

I don't know, Sharon.

We don't seem to be clicking, do we?

Perhaps it's time for some

fresh blood, so to speak.

Ah, wait, I just have one

more house to show you!

All right. Tomorrow morning. One more.

And then we are done!

The house is ours! Ours!

Not for sale!

You know, a lot of sellers

have second thoughts.

Perfectly natural.

Listen to what you're saying.

"We." "Us." Plural.

I'm all for picking your pronouns,

but it feels as if someone is using you

as their Bluetooth speaker.

We are The Norths!

You are Harper North.

You live in this cottage,

but you are not this cottage!

What?

How did ?

Listen,

this might be the

closed head injury talking here,

but I am pretty sure this has

something to do with the ashes

of your dead relatives.

They are controlling you somehow

Tying you to the property.

I can help you.

Just cut me out of these.

Rethinking that whole "cut

me out of these" thing.

Don't!

We are

the Norths!

Hey. Hey, can you help me?

It's for Harper. You love Harper.

Let her out ♪

Move them on ♪

Oh, then watch her fly ♪

Sdrawkab ti yalp

Sdrawkab tid niw! ♪

'Kay, wait a minute?

Let her out?

Like, get Harper physically out of here?

She leaves the property

and that breaks the hold?

Let her out

Move them on ♪

Then watch her fly ♪

Sdrawkab ti yalp

Sdrawkab tid niw! ♪

Can you not hear me talking?

Is the song the only way?

Ha!

Phil, I'm sending you a sound file.

It's a song in a

language I can't identify.

See if you can find out

what it says and call me.

Oh, and I kinda need it right now.

You came back.

Could I leave a message for Harper?

Can you tell her

that her dead relatives

want to keep her here?

I don't know why,

but it's no life.

Not for someone as terrific

as Harper.

Just think of the amazing

things that she could do

that you could do

if you leave.

You could go back to Dogwood,

wherever you want.

Let's do this.

Or undo this.

Together.

Right now.

Come on.

This is your grand plan?

Drive away really fast?

It's not going to work. I can't leave.

Yes you can! You have to have faith.

What other languages does

your grandmother speak?

What? None that I know of.

Nothing from the old country?

What old country? She's from Nebraska!

Didn't you hear me? I

literally can't leave!

Talk to me, Phil.

- You okay?

- I've been better.

What about the song?

Our database has over 6,000 languages.

This doesn't match any of them.

Are you sure?

There are phonetic similarities

to the Finno-Ugric language family,

but the morphology is all wrong.

Yeah, we're sure. Hey

did you try playing

the thing backward?

Move them on, oh,

then, then watch her fly ♪

Sdrawkab ti yalp

Sdrawkab tid niw. ♪

Move them on, oh,

then, then watch her fly ♪

Sdrawkab ti yalp

Sdrawkab tid niw. ♪

Wind it backwards

Play it backwards ♪

Seriously?

This is your best shot

at keeping my business?

The

Brady Bunch house?

Yeah. Mm-hm. That's it.

Give me the key.

I'll take a quick look around

and then we are done.

Okay, I know it seems

banal and innocuous

Oh, I'll take it!

I want it.

I need it.

Make the deal!

Whatever it costs.

Okay. Super!

Oh, my.

What happened in there?

You look like you've seen a

Would you happen to have a Xanax?

You picked the right agent.

Guess who just closed

a sale with America's

master of modern horror and the agency's

biggest pain in the a*s?

This girl!

Uh, you better point one of those at me.

Anyway, is Luke here?

I want to tell him.

He's not. Which is perfect,

seeing how we are spelunking

the dark crevices of his personal life.

I don't spelunk.

So, what'd I miss?

It seems Luke has a history

with the Donovan place.

A family thing.

We just thought that he was

crushing on the Donovan lady.

Hm.

Both could be true.

I'll take that. Thank you.

I owe you an apology.

I was dismissive and condescending.

It is a flaw in my character

and I am working on it.

Honestly, I just thought

you were the office manager.

I contain multitudes.

I'll be fine.

I'll just stay if it

keeps peace in the family.

They are dead.

You're alive.

We may be dead but,

goddamit, we're family!

It's his fault!

She was ours until he came along.

Don't be foolish. She's still ours.

Aren't you, dear?

She damn well better be!

Stop it. No fighting at dinner.

She's the only one

left. The next true North.

Callum is such a tool.

You have a duty to the family!

She has a duty to herself.

You!

Stay out of this!

Harper.

The music box!

Leave my family alone!

Play it backwards.

Wind it backwards!

Backwards!

Harper.

Harper, darling.

Grammy Sam!

Oh!

I'm sorry. I

I tried to leave

and I tried to sell the cottage.

Oh, no, no, no.

I'm the one who's sorry.

When your grandfather died,

this cottage

and the music box it inspired, well,

they became an obsession.

I lived in the past.

But one can't turn back time.

And so, with that lovely melody

playing in my head

I said goodbye to this world.

And it was only in the next

that I learned the awful truth

of what I'd done.

That none of us who love this place,

or slept in its water, could move on

until that melody was turned back.

Turned back.

I had no idea that

my final act of despair would

keep you all trapped here.

But now,

we're all free.

We can move on.

And so must you.

Finally,

after all these years,

someone could hear my song.

Don't go.

I must.

And so must you.

You can be anything.

Do anything.

But you have to move on.

Where are we going?

The train station.

You sure?

Seven-and-a-half-hour train ride

to Dogwood State Park.

And from there

Who knows?

Who knows?

Okay.

Let's try this again, shall we?

Boo-yah.

Boo-yah.

You are going to love the outside world.

I hope so.

Plus, interest rates

are at an all-time low.

The spreadsheet is perfect.

It's just what we need.

Of course it is.

I mean "thank you". Ha.

Don't even ask.

That should be our company slogan.

On the drive back I set up

four individual showings.

Can you get them on the books?

That's for the North

family cottage, right?

Let's just say "the cottage".

You okay?

How'd it go with Larson?

Had to crack open your

emergency envelope.

- And?

- He loved it!

Master of modern horror.

That Brady Bunch house

looked completely harmless.

He spent a few seconds in

there and came out looking like

a vegan at Sizzler. What was ?

That was my house. I grew up there.

I had a lot of unusual friends.

They couldn't all come

with me to college.

I look forward to reading about them

in broad daylight. With the light on.

I think that would be for the best.

Luke

if you ever wanted to talk about

family and feelings and stuff, you know,

not work-related,

I would be up for that.

Thank you.

Luke?

Life is short.

And sometimes you gotta

step up and close escrow

before you get beat

out by a better offer.

Megan Donovan.

If you like her, you should make a move.

She's a client.

Neat little piles. Personal, business.

That's a TED Talk, Luke.

It's not a life.

Ah.

Hey.

Are we celebrating?

Did you get an offer on the house?

Uh, no.

This isn't exactly a professional visit.

It's, uh

the other kind.

Let me get some ice.

Meet me up in the library, okay?

Okay.

I never thought you'd come back.

I saw you in the window.

I knew it was you the second that

Oh, the stories we tell ourselves.

You probably had some demented fantasy

that I'd come back.

That I'd make you breakfast and

help you with your homework and

hold your forehead

while you had the flu.

My only fantasy was that

I'd never see you again.

Do you know how happy I was

when I found out that I was pregnant?

Your father and I had been

trying for a while and,

finally, it seemed like all

my dreams were coming true.

I wanted a little girl

so badly.

And when it was all over,

all the sweating and the

bleeding and the

cursing and the pushing,

all that I got was you.

Just the first in a series

of crushing disappointments,

culminating about 73 seconds ago.

Yeah.

It's going good for me, too.

And you're the one seeking the truth

for everyone else,

helping others with

their unfinished business

and yet, somehow,

you can't even face your own.

I never deserted my family.

You never had a family.

And you never will.

You tell that tr*mp

that I'm sharing this house with

to go back to her lawyer.

At least he knew

how to press the right buttons in

Shu-shut up!

Oh, Lucas.

Is that any way to talk to Mommy?

I, uh, hope you like 'em strong.

Luke?