01x07 - k*ll Your Darlings

[bunniefuu]

[siren wailing]

[speaker] What is the craziest thing

you've ever done for love?

[laughs]

What's the craziest thing
I've ever done for love?

When we first met and started dating,

I was actually his manager.

So, I did circus school for love.

Craziest thing I've ever done for love

was take the train to the Bronx.

♪ It's my season ♪

♪ It's my season ♪

♪ Tis the season to be me ♪

- [cars honking]
- [people celebrating]

[driver] You in or you out? Ayo, Ma,

if you stop a dollar van,
you gotta get in the dollar van.

[Tamika] She is thinking, okay?!

Yes, b*tch, you got this!

And if you don't,
I'll break out the good tequila.

I'm in. [laughs]

- [Tamika and Allie cheering]
- Yes, that's what I'm talkin' 'bout!

- We love you, Mel!
- [Tamika] You got this, mama!

You go wreck their lives! Get yours!

[neighbor] Hey, can you shut the f*ck up!

- [Tamika] YOLO, all the things. Stay safe.
- [Allie] We believe in you!

- [Tim] Hey yo, my dude! How you doing?
- What up, Tim?

- Good. How about you?
- Good, man!

- You looking crispy, my n*gga! [laughs]
- Alright. Thank you.

Hey, ladies! Ladies!
My man's getting married.

- Oh, come on, man.
- See his fresh shape-up?

It's all for his wife, a'ight? [laughs]

Look, he'll never look
that good again though. [laughs]

- You wrong for that. You wrong for that.
- I'm just playin', man.

- I'm single though.
- [speaker] Okay!

- [car horns honking]
- [♪ funky music playing]

Alex, I know my timing
isn't always perfect,

and I know you always
hated it when I was late,

um... but at least I'm consistent.
[weak laugh]

Alex, I-I wish I had a time machine.

And if I did, I-I would go back,
and I would...

I would change a-a-and undo
the moment I rejected you.

♪

Th-That and sl*very. I would... I would...

I would not have rejected you,
and I would end sl*very.

I am the Romeo to your Julie...

Nope, that is not... that's...
You know what?

Let's just not be
heteronormative about it, okay?

Let's not be heteronormative about it.

Alex, I am the Romeo to your Juliet.

[announcer over PA] We
are pleased to announce that

we will be boarding shortly.

Please make your way to gate B37

and have your boarding pass...

Okay, Al-Alex. Alex. Alex. Alex. Nope!

- [tires screech]
- Oh!

- Sorry. This is me. So sorry.
- [driver] Broadway Junction.

This is me. This is me. [muttering]

♪ If you want it
get on this love of mine ♪

Not today, Timothy!
Okay, the NFL don't want you!

- Hang it up!
- [beeping]

[announcer on PA]
This is the final boarding announcement

for flight 604 to Maui.

Please report to the gate immediately.

The doors are about to close.

And I have feelings for you.

I've never stopped having
feelings for you, and...

- Honk, honk! Jesus!
- Hey!

You got a cute butt
and class and a nice house.

♪ Woo-hoo, ooh ♪

♪ Ah! Why don't you try ♪

- [tires squeal]
- Oh, come on, come on, come on.

♪

[♪ song ends]

- [cart clicks]
- [airport chatter]

[♪ light piano music playing]

[sighs]

[restaurant chatter]

[Melissa Jackson] Feel free to judge me.

I mean, I'd judge me. Look at me.

I'm a mess. [laughs]

Well, maybe this is happening

so you have more time to practice.

Yeah, I think that's
why I missed him tonight,

so I could just really fine-tune
what it is I wanna say

and be real ready when
I see him in Hawaii.

So, you're gonna do it?

I don't know. [laughs]

I mean, I honestly don't think
I'll know until I see him.

Well, at least this way,
you'll be more ready.

- [Melissa] Mm-hmm.
- Oh, that reminds me.

I'm giving these out.

Khom Loy. Thai New Year's Eve tradition.

What's the tradition?

Releasing a lantern into the sky
brings a new beginning.

Why so many?

Something tells me you're gonna need
a lot of new beginnings.

[muffled laughter]

For sure you can drink all that.
Come on now, babe.

[indistinct chatter]

♪

[record scratches]

- [♪ percussive music playing]
- [quietly] Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God...

[Alex Williams] Alright.

[Melissa muttering] Go time, go time.

I've been thinking about this,
and I'd love...

Oh sh*t. Oh sh*t. Oh sh*t. Oh sh*t...

Achoo!

[♪ percussive music stops]

[chatter dies down]

- Mel?
- Alex?

- What are you doing here?
- What am I doing here?

What are you doing here?
Flight 604 departed

gate A2 on time.

- Why aren't you on it?
- [sighs] I missed it.

[laughs]

I know. I know. I know, it's unbelievable.

I was one of those gate runners
we always make fun of.

- Oh, "Stop the plane!"
-"Hold the door!"

"My life is more important than yours."

Anyways, I-I left my bag in the office,

and I booked the first thing out
tomorrow morning.

- Plus my fridge was empty.
- Mm.

So I came here.

Okay, well, um, do you wanna sit down

a-and eat your food while I eat my food?

You know, like,
chew in front of each other? [laughs]

Together, huh?

Okay, sure.

- Yeah, why not?
- Cool. [awkward laugh]

Yeah. Alright. [sighs]

Ah...

Oh. I see you are still doing my order.

- [laughs]
- [Alex] Yeah, no doubt.

- On down to the Crab Rangoons.
- [Melissa] Mm!

Yeah. Hey, where are yours?

- I don't f*ck with Crab Rangoon anymore.
- Seriously?

Wow, that was your death row meal.

Exactly. My death row meal,
not my executioner.

If a food item wants to k*ll me,
it gets one shot.

Mm. Anything that good
deserves another chance.

- Mm-mm
- [Alex] Yeah.

[♪ light piano music playing]

I don't know. I...

I'm scared. Like, legit.

[baby talk] But, Mel, don't you miss me?

Hmm?

Yeah...

Yeah, I do.
I-I really, really do miss you.

[Alex] Me too, me too, I miss you!

You know...

over the last few months, I've been, um...

thinking a lot about us. [laughs]

And, um...

♪

[normal] Have a bite.

Come on. Mel, I'm right here.

I promise I won't let anything
happen to you this time.

Okay.

Here I go. [giggles] Uh...

♪

[crunches]

Mm! Mm. [muffled laugh]

Is it as good as you remember?

- Better.
- [Alex] Seeing you do that

was almost worth missing a flight for.

Mm-hmm.

[♪ "You Can Have Every Little Bit"
by Skye Emanuel playing]

♪ I cannot wait until the weekend ♪

♪ Wanna see you right now ♪

- ♪ You never answer when I'm calling... ♪
- Freeze.

Broccoli is just a mattress for shrimp.

It's canon.

[♪ song continues on radio]

Yeah, I don't even know
why I'm trying to front.

[both laugh]

Oh, so, uh, Julie says

that you're seeing somebody at work.

But I saw that you don't have
a plus one at the wedding.

- No.
- What's up?

- I, uh, I was...
- Okay.

- But, um, yeah. Not anymore.
- No?

Was it, um... [clicks tongue]

What's his name?

T-Terrance.

[laughs] Terrance? What?

- Why would you think that?
- [Alex mumbles]

And you know his name. That's the homie.

Well, the homie and I
were at your graduation.

You came.

Yeah.

I mean, Irene harassed
all the bosses to come.

- Ah, there it is. Mm-hmm.
- But I would've been there regardless

because I am proud of you.

Do you remember the last time
we were at this booth?

Yeah, I remember.

Um, so...

the last few months, I...

have been thinking, um...

about us.

And I realized...

I, um... [clears throat]

I realized...

that I, um,

I never apologized.

For what I said to you that night

when you told me you loved me.

You know, that was...

cruel at best. And I... It was shitty.

And you don't deserve that.

You didn't deserve that, you know? So,

I'm sorry.

Wow.

A full-on sorry

from Melissa Abernathy Jackson.

- Stop with Abernathy! [laughs]
- What?

- [laughs]
- [Melissa] I, um...

I mean it.

I didn't realize how much
I needed to hear that.

Thank you.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- [clears throat]
- I'm glad we're doing this, Mel.

- Right? Me, too. This is...
- This is...

- Yeah.
- This is good.

♪

- Can I tell you something?
- Can you tell me something?

I always wanna know everything. Yes.

I missed my flight on purpose.

[Alex sighs]

- Alex.
- Yeah, I know.

- Yeah.
- Oh, my God. That is, um...

Yeah, I-I mean, look-look,
I-I'm still going,

but, you know, just 12 hours later

and $300 poorer.

Why?

Planning a wedding is a lot,

and it has been... a lot.

Por ejemplo?

- Okay, Duolingo. Alright?
- Okay? [laughs]

- Gimme an example.
- Uh, okay. H-Here's a small one,

and I know it's small. Um...

Julie wants me to wear this...

- atrocious seafoam tie.
- Mm-hmm.

Seafoam? Did you call the ACLU?

- Uh... [laughs]
- [laughs]

- I should 'cause it's light green. And...
- Yeah. Wow.

...she don't even like it,
but her mom does.

And we somehow find ourselves fighting

about something that
neither one of us want.

Not to mention,

her cousins insist
that she flies out early

because they feel it's tradition
for them to have a girl's trip.

Didn't she just have a bachelorette?

- These are the questions.
- [laughs] Th-These are the questions.

These are the questions, Mel.

You know what?

Low key?

I'm happy you missed that flight.

I get it.

Sometimes, you just need...

a pause.

Yeah.

- So...
- So...

[♪ R&B music playing]

Let's have a night.

- Let's have a night. [soft laugh]
- [glasses clink]

- [♪ jazzy music playing]
- [street noise]

- [Melissa] That is not helpful.
- [Alex] I'm sorry, it-it's true.

I don't. I just never
imagined my wedding tie.

Is that because you never
imagined your wedding?

No, I-I've imagined it,

like I've imagined hitting
a fadeaway jumper on LeBron. But...

I just picture myself more of a...

wedding turtleneck guy.

- Alex Abernathy Williams!
- What?

- Please, get the hell outta here!
- What? No, no, no.

- No, leave me! Alert, alert!
- Hear me out. Hear me out.

- No, listen.
- There's a fashion emergency.

Hear me out. It's still...
It's a suit jacket...

- Mm-hmm. Right.
- ...but underneath,

it's-it's wedding turtleneck.

Like The Rock? No, I can't.
I will not entertain this.

- Elegance. Elevated.
- Nope. Nope. Nope!

Unexpected.

Oh, you want unexpected?

- [doorbell rings]
- Hi.

- [shop owner] We're closed.
- Oh. I totally understand.

Um, but we were hoping that,
in the spirit of New Year's,

- that you could help us out.
- No, I cannot.

Okay, sir, uh, th-the wedding is tomorrow.

The airline lost his luggage,
and he needs a tie.

But not just any tie. A very special tie.

And what better eclectic men's warehouse

is there in Brooklyn?

Eh?

Fine. Ten more minutes.

Minimum $50 spend. Cash only.

[softly] Do you have cash?

- Yeah, I got it.
- Yes. Yes, thank you so much.

- Okay, come on in.
- [giggles]

You did that. That was great.

- Do they even have ties? Ah.
- Ah... bingo.

Here it is, right here. Check this out.

Look, there is no man

that could pull off
this print in this store.

Actually, I have a pair of drawers

and socks that match this, so...

Ew. [laughs]

- Problem is it's not a clip-on.
- Clip-on?

Um, I'm sorry.
You don't know how to tie a tie?

Psh! What kind of
grown-a*s man can't tie a...

a tie?

I can't. But, my defense is,

I've been wearing
work polos my whole life.

And you know what?

Clip-ons have come a long way, baby.

Oh, okay. So, the tie you wore
at your grandmother's funeral

- was a clip-on?
- Exactly.

- No sh*t? Okay. They come a long way.
- Mm-hmm.

- You ain't even know. You ain't even know.
- I ain't even know.

Look at this. This is
the color right here.

- Plum. Bam!
- Mm!

That is a nice color though.

Do you have this in clip-on, sir?

- [shop owner scoffs]
- Uh-uh. Gimme.

Come on. The lesson starts today.

It's been a while since I've done this,
so don't judge.

Alright.

[♪ "Piece By Piece" by Karamell playing]

[Melissa] Around, like this.

Down and dirty. There we go.

♪

♪ Focus, I'm trying to reach you ♪

Well, take a look. [giggles]

♪ Why can't I see through ♪

♪ While you pick my apart piece by... ♪

Looks better than
the last time I tried it, that's for sure.

But I get the idea. It's a nice color.

♪ Can't hide from you ♪

Alex, um,

there's something I need to tell you.

I, um...

- Uh-uh! Kiss on your wedding day.
- [laughs]

- Time to go.
- Alright. My bad, boss.

- What's this gonna run me?
- Looks like we are $50 even.

[Alex] Oh, so we're sticking to that, huh?

Well, Happy New Year.

- [party horns blaring]
- [Alex] How the hell did you learn

- how to tie like that, anyway?
- Are you gonna make fun of me?

Probably. [snickers]

I was Constable Locke in high school.

- You were Constable Locke?!
- What, you know Music Man?

I'm f*cking with you. I don't know what
that is. [laughs]

Wow! A lot of the parents said
I blew the roof off the joint.

- Their words, not mine.
- Okay.

- I know I got pipes.
- Yeah, I know that.

When you thought I was
still asleep in the morning,

sometimes, I'd hear you
singing in the shower.

- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah, but I don't know.

I just can't imagine you
singing in front of people.

Like, you never sang in front of me.

Well, I've changed.

- Oh yeah?
- Yeah.

Prove it.

- [♪ upbeat music playing]
- [♪ indistinct karaoke singing]

- [crowd cheering]
- [Alex] We'd like to sing karaoke!

- Great! Twenty-seven.
- Twenty-seven, meaning...?

Meaning there's 26 performers
ahead of y'all tonight. Welcome.

- [applause]
- [singer] Thank you!

Next up, we've got Armand and Jenny!

[Alex] Alright, how long is that wait?

- [crowd cheering]
- Probably early next year.

But you're welcome to scan this QR code
and place your orders.

Oh, no, that's okay. Thank you.

Looks like you got lucky tonight, Mel.

It wasn't meant to be.

Last call, Armand and Jenny!

I'm Arm... I'm Jenny!

- [crowd chattering]
- Mel, what are you... Mel!

Armand, do not embarrass me
in front of our new friends!

- [speaker] Tequila shot!
- Oh, hell yeah. [laughs]

[host on mic] Welcome to the stage,

Armand and Jenny.

- [glasses clink]
- [crowd cheering]

[♪ "Leave The Door Open" karaoke by Silk
Sonic, Bruno Mars & Anderson Paak playing]

[Melissa] Woo!

[cheering fades]

If you forget the words,
they're right there. I'll start.

- [sings] ♪ What you doin'? ♪
- [sings] ♪ What you doin'? ♪

- ♪ Where you at? ♪
- ♪ Where you at? ♪

- ♪ Oh, you got plans? ♪
- ♪ You got plans? ♪

- ♪ Don't say that ♪
- ♪ Shut yo' trap ♪

- ♪ I'm sippin' wine ♪
- ♪ Sip, sip ♪

- ♪ In a robe ♪
- ♪ Drip, drip ♪

- ♪ I look too good ♪
- ♪ Look too good ♪

- ♪ To be alone ♪
- ♪ Woo-ooh ♪

- ♪ My house clean ♪
- ♪ House clean ♪

- ♪ My pool warm ♪
- ♪ Pool warm ♪

♪ Just shaved ♪

- ♪ Smooth like a newborn ♪
- Okay!

[singing together] ♪ We should be dancin',
romancin' ♪

♪ In the East Wing and the West Wing
of this mansion ♪

♪ What's happenin'? ♪

♪ I ain't playin' no games ♪

♪ Every word that I say is coming straight
from the heart ♪

♪ So if you tryna to lay in these arms ♪

- [♪ music fades]
- [echoes] ♪ I'ma leave the door open ♪

[♪ sound fades out]

- [♪ song fades in]
- ♪ I'ma leave the door open ♪

♪ I'ma leave the door open, girl ♪

♪ I'ma leave the door open ♪

♪ Hopin' ♪

♪ That you feel the way I feel ♪

♪ And you want me like
I want you tonight, baby ♪

♪ Tell me that you're comin' through ♪

- ♪ Ooh, you're so sweet ♪
- ♪ So sweet ♪

- ♪ So tight ♪
- ♪ So tight ♪

- ♪ I won't bite ♪
- ♪ Uh-uh ♪

- ♪ Unless you like ♪
- ♪ Unless you like ♪

- ♪ If you smoke ♪
- ♪ What you smoke? ♪

- ♪ I got the haze ♪
- ♪ Purple haze ♪

♪ And if you're hungry,
girl, I got filets ♪

♪ Woo, ooh ♪

- ♪ Ooh, baby, don't keep me ♪
- ♪ Waitin' ♪

♪ There's so much love
we could be makin' ♪

- What?
- Come here.

- No, no.
- Oh, I forgot you're ticklish.

♪ Rose petals in the bathtub,
girl, let's jump in, it's bubblin' ♪

♪ I ain't playin' no games ♪

♪ Every word that I say is
coming straight from the heart ♪

♪ So, if you tryna lay in these arms ♪

♪ I'ma leave the door open ♪

♪ I'ma leave the door open, girl ♪

- Beer acquired.
- That's what I'm talking about.

[gasps] Look what they have!

Black-eyed peas!
We can honor our ancestors!

- Honor our ancestors? What are you...
- Yeah!

We have to honor them! It's New Year's.

[Alex] Oh yeah, I think I heard of that.

- [Melissa] You heard of that?
- [Alex] Yeah.

Okay, please give me
your Black card right now.

- I'm confiscating it.
- [Alex] Girl, I think I gave it to you

- a long time ago.
- [Melissa] What?!

♪ I need you, baby ♪

♪ La, la, la, la, la, la, la ♪

♪ I got to see you, baby ♪

♪ La, la, la, la, la, la, la ♪

[♪ song fades out]

- To tradition.
- To the end of an era.

- To new beginnings.
- Mm-hmm.

Mm-mm. Nope. [spits]

- Ew!
- What the hell?

- That does not taste like prosperity.
- Oh! No!

At least the ancestors know we tried.

- Oh, God. Here. You need the 40.
- Oh, come on. Help this out.

- There you go.
- Mm.

Come on, come on,
save some of that for me.

[Melissa] Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. [gargles]

[Melissa] Aren't the fireworks
supposed to be started already?

I mean, th-the hood warmup
should be popping off soon.

- [giggles]
- Matter of fact...

[Melissa] Alex, what are you doing?

[Alex] I am... trying to get...

a better view...

- of the real show!
- n*gga, you done lost your mind.

Not even the ducks are in
the pond this time of year.

[ice creaking]

- [gasps]
- [Alex] Come on. [laughs]

Mel, it's hard. It's science.

[Melissa gasps]

- Alex.
- Okay, come on.

You not really gonna make me

watch the fireworks alone, are you?

Yeah.

The Mel I saw get on that stage
tonight would do it.

- That Mel was high on tequila. [laughs]
- Mel.

This is for you to take back
what that Crab Rangoon stole.

Come on, how do you wanna
kick off the New Year? Huh?

Ay-yi-yi.

[sighs]

Immediately regretting this.

Okay, well then, just focus on me.

I don't wanna focus on you!
I'm mad at you for making me do this!

[Alex laughs] Okay, well, uh,
lemme tell you a story.

Do you remember that... remember that time

I spent the weekend at your place

when my place was being fumigated?

Of course I remember.
You tried to make crème brûlée

and almost burned the building down!

Yeah, well, I didn't know that you keep

sweatshirts in the oven, alright?

We live in New York.
Real estate comes at a premium.

Okay, that's not all
I did that weekend, right?

- No, you did other things, too.
- Yeah.

Like break my bed.

Okay, first of all, we broke your bed.

Okay, we broke my bed. [giggles]

And I-I took down your braids
while we watched House Hunters.

Never felt anyone use
a rat tail comb so gently.

[both laugh]

- Guess what?
- What?

Look up.

[♪ "Gravity" by Sara Bareilles playing]

- [Melissa] Ha! I did it!
- [Alex] Yeah! Yeah!

- I did it!
- [both laugh]

I got you. I got you. Alright.

[weak laugh]

[heavy breathing]

- I lied to you.
- About the ice?

- Yeah, about the ice. [laughs]
- Stop!

No, not about the ice. About that weekend.

Come on. My place wasn't being fumigated.

Why would you lie about that?

I guess it was easier
than admitting that...

I wanted to spend more time with you.

Wait, what time is it? [gasps]

Oh! Yo! This is it, I think.

I think th-they're gonna
come over those trees right there.

- Alex...
- Alright. [gasps]

Four... three...

- two... one...
- Alex.

Happy New Year!

♪ Not feel your reign ♪

[sparkling]

♪ Set me free ♪

♪ Leave me be ♪

♪ I don't wanna fall another moment ♪

♪ Into your gravity ♪

♪ Here I am, and I stand ♪

♪ So... ♪

- [fireworks pop]
- [♪ song stops]

- What the f*ck, Mel?
- [fireworks popping]

It's a new year. N-New beginnings. I-I...

Yo! What the hell y'all doing?

Get your asses off the pond.

You fall in there, won't find
your dumb asses till March!

Alex, please wait.

- No, please listen!
- Wh-Why would you do that?

Okay, for the past few months,

I've been thinking a lot about us,

and the thing is, is I...

I still have feelings for you.

I always did! And I never stopped.

[fireworks continue]

Alex.

Alex!

Oh, f*ck!

sh*t...

- [fireworks popping]
- [crowd cheering]

[party horn blaring]

Please, just say something!

I honestly don't know what
to say to you right now, Mel.

Well, I could say something,
but I think I've said enough.

I think so. Taxi!

- Wait. Wait, Alex, please don't go.
- Why not?

Because I-I... it's been really hard for me

to say this, and I want you to...

You... Honestly, where was this Mel
two years ago?

I mean, she didn't exist two years ago!

I'm just becoming her now,

a-and people change!

- Don't you wanna get to know her?
- You haven't changed.

- Yes, I have.
- You haven't changed.

You still don't think through sh*t.

All I do is think about sh*t, Alex!

- Really?!
- Yes.

Then, what do you want me to do, exactly?

Just don't, don't...

- Don't what?
- Don't get married.

- Are you serious?
- Yeah.

Run me through that real quick, Mel.

Because you're really asking me

to destroy my future.

You really want me to pick up the phone

and destroy Julie and embarrass my family?

Do you think that she deserves that?

- Do I?!
- No, it's...

[heavy breathing]

- It's just...
- Taxi!

Alex, it-it's New Year's!
It's so hard for them to stop.

Look, I don't wanna hurt anybody!

I just know I wanna be with you.

And...

I know, I know.

I should've said it a long time ago.

- Yeah, a long-a*s time ago.
- I know!

But I'm just now realizing

that I'm worth putting myself first.

And it-it's not all on me.

We wouldn't have had tonight

i-if you didn't feel something, too!

[fireworks continue]

Just tell me you don't love me.

[♪ gentle music playing]

Tell me you love me.

What?

Say it. Just say the words.

♪

I want... [gasps]
I want to, but I'm scared.

I really want to, but I'm so scared.

- I wish you could let yourself be loved.
- Alex...

Alex!

Please! Where are you going?

[fireworks popping]

Alex!

Where are you going?

I'm gonna marry someone
who will let me love them.

♪

♪

♪

[♪ music fades out]

[♪ fanfare playing]