01x02 - Episode 2

[bunniefuu]

The following program me contains

strong language and adult humour.

Have you seen this

geezer? Glen Campbell.

He works here. Are you

gonna introduce me?

He's my

brother! I was wondering

if we might have that chat today

about the assistant manager-Shh.

Why would you do this? I

wanted to get your attention.

By kidnapping my boss? Hundred

days and thy shall be wed.

Why are you? I got sent home

from work. There was a gas leak.

I just wanna ask you a question!

What do you want to ask?

You got Steve's number? Steve?

Steve! Your Uncle Steve!

You can stay at mine! Promise me

there's nothing dodgy going on.

I'm gone! So call 'em off!

STEADILY)

♪ Aline ♪

Fifty years. You what?

That's how long it takes

for this to biodegrade.

Oh, piss off. Ugh.

Not on my street, son.

Go on.

Oh, God!

: ..people on

the narrow-mind streets. ♪

"That Was Try A

Little Kindness"Morning!

Did you sleep well?

Nah. Oh, right.

Oh, my God! Toast

there for ya.

Erm, OK, great, thank

you.

Erm, are you Are you

having- Breakfast of champions.

Morning, love. Morning.

He seems nice.

Well, did you talk? Er, no, but

he's not massively chatty, is he?

Is that your

dressing gown? Yup.

Oh, God, I'm sorry, Glen, I'm

really trying, but this is a lot.

I-I k-know I know love,

I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.

You know how

I feel about secrets.

There's this massive one in the

garden. What's he even staring at?

I don't care who you

are, nobody's that deep.

Well, I'm just worrying

about Ian, love. Why?

Well, because that's your promotion,

what if he's upset him? Well, yeah.

You know we've got a wedding

to pay for. Yeah, hmm.

I think we need to take some

action. Mm.I think we need

to do something for Ian, really

nice, take him out for dinner.Yes.

Butter him up a bit. We'll take

him to the Regency Regency.

We'll show him the

Wantons.Exactly.

So, ask him today if he can

do it. Yeah, yeah. Alright.

Because, love, what I don't want

is for it to come between us.

Why would it?

Because we've been, you know

We have been having a bit of a

difficult time recently.

No, because he I think

he's just, like, depressed.

Well my mum was depressed, Glen.

And we couldn't get her off the sofa

for weeks, love. And

then one day, I realised,

"Hmm, no, Mum's not depressed. Mum

just really likes Bargain Hunt."

Cheers! Hi!

Hmm.

Morning! You sleep alright?

That c**t's got 'em

all on your borders.

Oh? Ah, well. Never mind. Oi!

Morning, Roger! Hi.

The f*ck was that? Tell me.

Alright? Why you're really here.

You in some kind of trouble? I told

ya. I'm looking for Steve Drummond.

Looks like he runs

a tanning place.

f*cking hell. Steve Diamond?

No wonder I couldn't

find the c**t.

Alright, well, reckon

I'll pop over there.

What, for a tan? Behave.

I'm not asking for

cancer.

He might not be there, Lee. I don't

think he's wiping down the beds.

Well, they'll know

where he is, won't they?

Don't worry. I'll be out

your hair by tonight.

Well, then

that's it. There's no

other reason Like what?

Right, then.

Well, it's, er

It's been nice. Yeah

Yeah. Erm

We'll be off to work.

Post the keys through the letter

box-Will do, and I'll be off.

Alright.

Great.Great.Great.Great.

Look, Lee, I just think that

That's hers. Yeah, I

didn't know you had it.

Yeah, it's not

It's not for using.

It's a f*cking egg

cup, Glen. Yeah,

you can't ash in that.

She ash-ed in it.

I'd just really

rather you didn't.

Jungla ♪

Bam Babubam bubambam

Bam Babubam bubambam

Bam Babubam bubambam ♪

Don't Let it go.

Hey, let it go.

Let it go. Just f*cking

Can you stop?

Well done.

That

was mother's, you prawn.

: Pow Wow ♪

CHIMES) Oi. Outside!

What you get sent out for?

Only one child in at a time.

I feel

ya.

Good boy.

The tanning shop over the road is

closed. Seems that way, don't it?

Only, I'm looking for Steve.

Steve don't work the shop.

Got an office nearby.

Nearby? Where? You gonna

buy something or what?

I'd love to.

As you were.

Just that, my darling.

So, this office, where is it?

It's right next door. Darling.

Oi! You Ugh!

Kids, eh?!

Lovely little

thing, in't ya, eh?

Hi, Catherine.

Yeah, so if you could just

have those numbers on my desk

by the end of play

then that'd be

Kirsty! Jen, hi!

Hello. Mm, how's things?

Yeah. Great! Really,

yeah, yeah. How are you?

Mm. Look

about your suspension

Obviously, people talk.

I mean, a lot of stuff

did go missing.

I just hope you're OK.

Thanks, Jen, thank you.

Erm And look, er,

if by "people" you mean Linda

then yeah, pinch of salt.

Because she said some pretty

crazy things about you

crying in the ladies loo

every lunch time. So

Yeah

Look after yourself, Kirsty.

Glen?

Oh, hi, Ian. I wanted a

word about last night.

Right. Yes, erm, OK Ian Ian,

I-I can't apologise enough.

I mean- What for? Well,

because Lee sort of

kidnapped you? No,

no, no, no, no,

Glen, water under

the bridge that. No,

the thing is, I-I

just needed to ask,

did he mention me, at

all?

Hmm? Afterwards?

Um

No. No worries. Just

wondered.

Well, erm, actually,

Ian, there was something

that I wanted to ask-

This might surprise you,

but I don't have many

strong male friendships.

OK Sheila's always been

my main emotional outlet.

Well,

of course, yeah.

Mm.

But it feels like

that's changing.

Well, yeah, er So So,

t-there was something I

wanted to ask you, actually.

Er,

Kirsty and I were talking

and saying how funny it is we never

see each other outside of work.

Fine. Er, yeah. And And

And so, I was wondering if, er,

if you might like to

join us, for, er, for

for, join us for dinner.(DRYER

WHIRRS)There's a Chinese we like.

They know us there,

the the Regency.

Er, just

off of junction 12.

And erm, yeah, well

And actually,

we're free tonight.

If, er

Will Lee be there?

Absolutely! Alright, then.

Your d*ck pills, Glen.

Thank you Brian.

Lee! Hi. It's Glen, er,

listen, mad idea, but i-i-i-if

you're still around if you haven't,

you know, left yet, then

we we were thinking, erm,

"Let's take Lee out for

dinner?" Proper send-off,

that sort of thing! We're

actually going to

to The Re Regency

"..if if you could join us."

"you know, table's booked

for seven, so really hope"

"that we will see you there."

AUTOMATED

"Message deleted."

You can go through now.

Cheers, my darling.

f*ck me. The mahogany Nosferatu.

That's a bit of

a freaky outfit, innit?

Speak for yourself.

Look at you. Oh!

Oh.

Well, well, well

Lee Campbell.

What brings you all

the way out here? Well,

I saw your little

flyer, and I thought,

"f*ck me! My dad's old

mate, Steve Drummond."

It's Diamond now. Diamond,

yeah. Thought I'd slip over,

come see how the years have

treated ya. You mean, you sat

in That reception

for all this time,

just wanna have a pow-wow with me

about how well life's treating me?

Alright, clever bollocks.

Alright, you got me!

I got a business opportunity

to run by you. Heey!

Always a move, ain't there?

Go on then, hit me. Well, the

haulage business is thriving,

I wanna expand. New

trade routes in Spain.

It's a good time for it, Steve.

I'm looking for investment

partners. Hmm, what we talking?

Twenty, twenty-five

What, bags? That's

a lump, ain't it?

f*ck me! It's a sound

investment, Steve.

Well, I hope you're

not gonna take my cash

and f*ck off to Marbella and

start a new life, eh, Lee?

No!

I'll be honest,

I'm flattered that you

thought of me, Lee.

I knew I could rely on

you.

Why? Cos I've done so

well for myself? Yes!

And also because, my old

man, he did look after ya.

And he also said you

was there for him.

Whenever he needed ya, he said you

was as solid as a rock!

Is that what he said?!

Well, I tell you what

Lee. How about this?

Suck my big, ginger c*ck.

What? You heard. You see,

your old man was a prick.

And I, for one, am f*cking

glad that he's croaked it.

f*cking

hell! Steve. Mate

Oh, well, there's the

thing, you see, Lee.

I'm not your f*cking mate.

A toxic manipulator.

That's what your old man was.

Hold up a minute. So,

when I heard the great f*cking

Lee Campbell was in my reception,

I thought, "What's that

slippery prick want, eh?"

See I don't know if you know,

I'm a bit of a boat now, Lee,

one of the chaps, so I

made a few phone calls.

Turns out someone's

been a naughty boy,

ain't they? Who've you been talking

to? Does "Bunny" ring a bell?

No.

Look at you. Come

crawling to me!

What would your old f*cking

man say to that, eh?!

You f*ck- Oh, what you gonna

do Lee? You gonna hit me, are ya?!

Go on, then. No, Steve,

I'm not gonna hit ya

cos you're f*cking ancient. You know

the only one regret I have, Lee?

That I never give your

f*cking old man a good hiding

when he was a-f*cking live!

Yeah, we're done here.

I'll, er, see you later on Steve.

But then

I thought, "Hold on",

"we've got the next

best thing, haven't we?"

What is this? A

wind up?

Nah. I'm f*cking

trained, my old son.

Give me the f*cking keys, Steve.

Krav Maga. Krav f*cking what?

I say bring it, c**t! Bring it!

Right, so, how how

how how are we doing this?

We're gonna bring up examples

of your leadership capabilities.

Hmm. Great. OK? Great. Yeah,

w-which particular examples?

Just leave it to me, alright? You

just say something about neighbours,

and then I'm gonna

do the rest. OK?

Right. Great, neighbours, yes.

So, how exactly do you want me

toThere he is!

Here we are! Hiya.

Ian, I was just saying to Kirsty

how you live out by the golf course.

Lovely area.

Mm.Lovely. Really, all

that lovely, erm

grass.

A-A-And the community there, must

be, you know, all the people

Yeah. ..who live

there Sorry,

sorry, could I? Oh, er, yeah.

When's Lee getting here?

Erm

This Is My Life ♪

This Is My Life

Don't be put off by, erm, er,

cos the food is really,

er, yeah, and you

You've gotta try the wontons.

Doesn't he, Glen? Those wontons!

Oh, my God.Do not get

him started on the wontons!

See they're crispy, but

they're also very, very mois

..my life

Just give me the f*cking keys.

You're nothing.

Yes!

Just give me the f*cking key.

Mmm. Mmm.Yummy.

Mmm.

Mmm. He's not coming, is he?

H-He wanted to. He really

wanted to. He did want to. Yeah.

"I can't believe I'm not gonna

get to go to dinner with Ian."

That's what he said to

us. "I'm livid," he said.

"I'm actually livid," you know. Yeah,

he he he couldn't make it.

Come back here you f*cking

Ugh. f*ck.

Come back here. You're no big

man, Lee Campbell. You're nothing.

Do you hear me? Nothing!

f*cking lunatic!

f*ck!

Sorry.

Just really wanted him to come.

Ah, well. Yes. Ha ha.

Next time, I'm

sure, you know. Mm.

But you know, since

you're here- He's here!

Glen, I really need

to talk to you.

You came! I didn't know

if you'd still be here.

Thank you. Thank you so much.

No, no, no, I-I-I'm

not planning on- Lee,

erm, we were just talking with

Ian about neighbours, actually.

Go on, then. Sit down, you

f*ck! Oh(Laughs)Eh?

Can't have you slags mullering all

the prawn crackers, eh, can we?

Lee! Sit here, eh?

Next to me. Alright.

Go on, what were you

talking about, neighbours?

It's funny you should

say that, yeah,

because recently Glen, and

he'll hate me saying this,

but he he got everyone

together, all of our neighbours

to join on a group litter pick!

And there was a bit of reluctance,

wasn't there, at first?

But he banded everybody together,

Ian and he really, he got it done,

you see, and we actually ended

up with getting a new, erm,

a dog poo bin. Dog poo bin. On

the grassy verges. Grassy verges

So, that, you know And if

that's not an example, I think,

of real leadership

erm, capabilities,

then

Sorry.

Hold on a minute.

They've whacked you right

by the khazis? It's fine!

You told me they know you here? It's

fine, Lee, it's absolutely fi

Are we OK over here?

Yeah. Yes, thank you

Yeah.Tell

him you want another table.

No, no, Lee, no. Something

wrong with this one?

Yeah, no, it's

lovely. Really lovely.

What I'm really looking

forward to is old Poirot here

dropping his guts five

foot from my head.

I mean, if there were,

you know, another table

That's not going to be possible,

I'm afraid.Hmm. Really?

Cos I can see one there.

Stop it. Can you see it?

Go on, have a little look. Stop it,

Lee. It's fine, honestly, it's fine.

Enjoy your meal. Will do.

Thank you.

Thank you. Yeah.Mm.

Get your plates.

No.What's happening? Oh, no, Ian?

Ian? OK, yup. Get your plate.

Oi, hold up. What are you doing?

This table's reserved.

We're moving or leaving.

But if we're leaving, we're not

f*cking paying. No, Lee! Stop it!

Stop it! What we

won't do is stand here

and be treated like

utter sh*t c**ts!

: Sorry.

Glen, put your wallet away

or I'll stick it up his

arsehole Velcro side first.

Ricky! Oh

Ricky.

Anytime you want, son.

Lee, I'd rather just pay!

For f*ck's sake,

listen to yourself!

What is wrong with you tonight?

There is nothing wrong with me.

When are you gonna stop letting

people treat you like f*cking sh*t?!

Where's the Old Angry Beaver?

50% off. Or we walk.

That's not going to happen.

Yeah, that's my offer,

mate. Take it or leave it.

You heard him.

Thirty and extra prawn crackers.

Forty and we don't leave you

the worst TripAdvisor rating

you've ever seen in your

g*dd*mn life.

Suck that! Dickwad.

: No. No? No.No.

Ugh!

Ian! Be careful.

They're only keeping you overnight!

Don't worry. He'll be OK.

Oh, he, er

Asked me to give you

these.

Wants you to cover for him tomorrow

as acting assistant manager.

Ian! Cheers, Ian!

Thanks.

Congratulations,

big man.

Look, Kirst! Assistant

manager!

Kirsty!

LAUGH) Oh, here.

I, erm

You fixed it.

So, er, what

do you want to tell me?

When you got here,

you said you need to tell me

something. Yes, so what it is-

Listen, right, you're my

brother. So, you know,

if I can help you

then

Thank you because-Just not

Just not money, obviously.

You know cos, er,

every penny we've got goes

to the wedding fund! So

Yeah! Core

It's not that though, is

it? Don't be so stupid!

Course it ain't. I was gonna ask you

if I could stay for a few more days

because I feel like

we're reconnecting.

I'm gone. Ha ha!

Liberty! Liberty and

freedom! OFFICER: Hey, stop!

Sir, stop, or I

will TASER you. Oh, sh*t!

Oh, sh*t! Is that a TASER?

Argh!

Oh, my God (CROWD

Yeah, it's, er- Shall

we, er? BOTH: Yeah!

♪ Bang Bang ♪

Bang bang

Bang bang

Bang bang

♪ Bang bang ♪