01x04 - Episode 4

[bunniefuu]

'The following program me contains

strong language and adult humour.'

Might we have that chat today?

Sh-shh! That's your promotion.

Ian, why are you here? I've set

up camp over by the shagpiles.

It's Fight Club.

Argh! Sorry, Ian!

A hundred days and

I shall thee wed.

Expensive things, weddings.

Mental the amount people spend.

About your suspension. A

lot of stuff DID go missing.

Do you not fancy me any more?

Glen?

Someone's

been a naughty boy!

It's him, Ron. We're gonna

have to find his brother.

Why are you here?! It's

really frickin' bad.

I'll see you the same time tomorrow

for your next reading, yeah?

Love and light, from me

to you.

CosmicSue72.

Right. What do you want? Hm?

Please, I just wanna talk to her.

Glen, I ain't seen her

that upset since Year 10

when she found out that

Darren only went out with her

cos we had a Sky dish.

What I wanted to say -

So it's a "no" from

me. Christ, Sue!

Sorry. I just, erm

I haven't really slept.

I just need to see her,

to explain to her

What the f*ck were YOU

up to last night, eh?

Nothing. I'll tell

her you swung by.

Kirsty!

Get out of it.

Kirsty! Kirsty! Kirsty?

You shall not pass.

Please! Kirst!

Let me explain! Go away,

Glen! I'm not talking to you!

I told ya. You ran off, Glen!

You disappeared! Lee made me!

Oh, yeah, bloody Lee! Sod off!

Get out of it!

Alright, yeah, yeah.

Bye, love. See you later!

Dance class, yeah? Maybe.

Have a good day

at work! Love you!

Get out!

Alright, Sue!

Clear off, will

ya? Sue, wait! Sue.

Listen, just give her this,

yeah? For her lunch break.

I've done her favourite.

Whatevs. Sue, Sue!

f*ck!

Well? She won't talk to me.

So, you know, thanks for that.

I was trying to help you, you prawn!

I didn't know she was upstairs -

It don't matter now

because she won't even

f*cking Sue thinks that

And now you're stinking up my

upholstery with your bloody

Oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi!

Stress of the

D'Urbervilles. Chill out.

You'll think of something

to win her over.

What is this, anyway?

Smells like Nan's.

'This one is Power

Of A Woman by Eternal.'

Alright, love? Bit sad?

I get it. Men.

I see Glen still don't know

you're a jobless wonder.

Let's have a chill-out day.

Bargain Hunt's on in a bit.

I think I might go into town.

Oh. Alright. Well, I'll

do me hair - On my own.

I see.

Well, at least have your

breakfast, seeing as I've made it.

No, I'm alright, thanks. Hm

Ungrateful cow.

'Talk me through

this one more time!'

Your situation. f*ck's

sake. I've told ya.

I borrowed some money

off some naughty people.

I gotta lie low. It's nothing.

How is that nothing? Eh? f*ck!

I tell you what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna get out of your hair

and I'm gonna go find

a hotel or summink.

What? No! No, you can't go

anywhere! It's not safe.

These blokes who are

looking for you, right,

they don't know where I

live. So, stay at mine.

It's fine, but we need a plan.

Tonight, when I come home from work,

we'll think of something.

Like Mum used to say. Remember?

"When your head is in a spin,

take a mint and pop it in."

She weren't wrong.

Thanks, Glen.

Oh, sh*t.

What if someone comes to ME

looking for YOU? One of these men?

You'll be sweet.

You just gotta

keep your eyes open

for geezers driving about

in blacked-out motors,

with tattoos on their faces

and shooters. OK? So

You know, the er

I'm joking. I can't

even have a laugh!

Jesus Christ! You're

gonna be fine!

Anyone asks you

anything, you just say

.. "I ain't seen him

in years." Alright.

"I ain't

seen him in years."

"I ain't seen him in years."

Excuse me. I'm looking for

— I ain't seen him in years.

your laminates.

Sorry. Um

It's back that way.

Mm.

Psst! Psst!

Hello, Glen!

Ian, where's your trousers?

They're gone.

Oh.

Million Dollar Bill

If he makes you feel like a

million dollar bill, say ♪

Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh!

Go left right, up down ♪

But, Ian Ian, have

you not slept? Ian?

I am not the Ian

you once knew, Glen.

But I see it now. Lee showed me!

None of this matters!

Boom!

See? No consequences!

Because the truth is, Glen,

everything is completely

meaningle-

Ow! Ow! Ow! OK,

alright, alright.

I don't need any of this.

I'm gonna f*cking quit.

Ian, Ian, please

don't do that. No, no.

You just want your

little promotion, eh?

Well, tough t*ts, big boy.

I'm off, baby.

I'm out of here for good. OK.

Just as soon as I

can find my trousers.

Find my

Find Ian?

Ian

Uh

Ooh-ooh.

Yo, Glen!

Mate you can do

better than THAT.

What? Uh

Aysha, no, no, no.

Aysha, he's Aysha!

Have some of this. It's

what rappers drink.

Er, I'm good, thanks,

Ian. Cos it's haram.

Also, it's half

nine in the morning!

Aysha? Aysha, we need to keep

him here and sober him up.

Chris Tarrant!

Right? What about him, eh?

Right, you'll have to

go out front. What? Why?

Cos there's these two f*ck

asking for the manager, innit?

Scary c**ts. I'll deal with him.

It's SIR Trevor McDonald to you!

Oi, Glen? Hm?

If sh*t gets nasty, can

I f*ck him up or what?

Power Of A Woman

Let me take control

Body, mind and soul

Ahhh, doo doo doo ♪

How's that for you? Er, yeah!

It looks great, thank you.

Lovely. My Auntie Janet

wore that to ABBA Voyage.

'Belinda, please come to

the lingerie department.'

Hi, there! How can I

help?

Glen Campbell. How

do you know my?

Oh, it's It's on my

badge!

Glen Campbell. Like country

singer? Uh, yeah, yeah.

Er, Rhinestone Cowboy! Yeah, our

mum was a big country music fan.

So, er - And your brother?

Some naughty people.

You said "Our mum".

Your brother, what's his name?

Is Johnny Cash? (LAUGHS

Nah. No, no, it's just, erm

No, I don't

I don't have a brother.

Just me and my sister.

Dolly Parton.

Oh, you

are funny guy.

Thank you. Yes, well,

trying to be, yeah

with tattoos on their faces.

What? Nothing, no,

no. It's j Um

You have

lovely eyes.

You know, I think we will

get along very well. Yes?

I need Lee! Where's

Lee? Dickhead, bruv!

Oh, I'm s

I'm just gonna go and see

And don't it feel good, hey

Alright

And don't it feel good? ♪

It's alright. I'll come now.

There's only one woman here trying

on that horrible sequined thing.

Argh! What did I say,

b*tch? Don't try me!

This prick's had a

second wind! Lee!

Who's he talking about,

anyway?

Alright, it's about my brother.

He's staying with me,

he's in a bit of trouble

and I think those men

outside are looking for him.

Don't tell anyone,

alright?

We need to call Sheila, his wife!

Have you got her number, though?

f*ck! Give me the f*cking -No!

Give me! Get the tape, Aysha!

Lee! Get the f*cking tape!

Is that you?

I-I did it because I Oh!

Oh.

Is there someone you

want to call? My fiance!

Hold him still,

man! What's wrong with you?

Do it!

Got it! Suck it, bruv!

Suck your mum!

You call Sheila. I'm gonna

deal with these blokes.

Bro, bro. You got this, bruv!

Spud me, then, dickhead!

'The way you've

been talking suggests

that there's quite a lot

of'

'..high stress situations

that you have to deal with.'

'Yes, the stresses of modern life

make it hard to get some peace.

Our minds are

constantly whirring.

But I do know that there's always

one thing that I can count on

to bring me some relief.'

You know, baby

I want you to feel it

You see

I want you to feel the tempo

So, just listen to me, baby

Can't stop me now

Hear what I say

My feet want to move

so just get out my way

I'm

gonna have my say

I'm gonna introduce your dance

I'm gonna dance,

dance, dance, ooh

If you make the chance

Shame, shame,

shame, shame, shame

Oh, shame on you

If you can't dance too

I said shame, shame,

shame, shame

Shame, shame, shame

Shame on you

If you can't dance too

Don't stop the motion

If you gets the notion

You can't stop the groove

cos you just don't move

Got my salmon down

Got my diamond in the back

Pull off the shirt

and wiggle around me

You're gonna do your thing

Shame, shame,

shame, shame, shame

Oh, shame on you ♪

He's here. Your fiance.

Alright, my darling?

So tell me, Glen Campbell

do you live around here?

Uh, no, no. Far, very far.

Really?

So, um, let's take a

look at fabrications.

I think you know we're not

only here for carpet, Glen.

We're looking for someone, Glen.

You understand? Yeah.

Tell you what.

I might just pop and get the

very big sample book. Ha-ha

So, if you just bear with

me for a moment Hey!

Come back soon.

We will wait.

f*ck.

f*ck!

What? What is it?

f*ck.

Fuuuck! f*ck.

Pick up! f*cking pick up, Lee!

What? Is he here? I

don't know what to do.

I don't know what to

do. Glen!

Hang up the phone, Glen.

You DO know what to do,

Glen. Lee showed us.

We're men, Glen! We don't

run from our problems!

Lee helped us last night.

Now it's time we helped HIM.

Just think, "What would Lee do?"

She's been detained

for questioning.

After that, I'll call the police.

Not really being detained, is it?

Cos there's a treacle waiting

to get her sandwiches.

Sorry!

Won't be a min!

What you gone for? Nice

bit of ham? Yeah. Thanks.

Fine! We'll skip straight

to calling the police.

Good. Can we do that, please? Do

me a favour while you're at it.

Tell them to bang her up

for a very, very long time.

What? What? I've

had enough, Kirst!

I've had enough

of this, alright?

You're not well.

If this is the kick up the

bollocks you need, so be it.

No! I No, no, no.

Doing it for charity

doesn't mean it's OK.

Yeah

Yeah, yeah, you're

right. You're right.

It started off really small,

er, the Ice Bucket Challenge,

then we had, what was

it, the Couch To 5K?

Then she got a

real taste for it,

then we went on to

the Tsunami Relief,

then the Syrian earthquake

- Help For Heroes.

Then we had the Help For Heroes.

Honestly, if you hadn't had

stopped her See this?

This would've been

straight on eBay,

all the money going straight

to f*cking Autism Awareness.

Is that right? Yeah.

I just I really

I just care a lot, like, too much.

She does. Yeah, I can't help it.

She can't.And I, you know,

I just, I've got a

I've got a big heart, see, and just

ain't nobody gonna change that!

So just, er, just get it done.

Call 'em. Cos she needs to learn

to stop being so f*cking generous.

Yeah.

Honestly

I feel sort of

insulted that you

thought that would work.

I mean, you're a white

woman in a tea dress.

The worst you're gonna

get is a caution.

You know what, just piss off!

And take your eyelashes with ya!

I'm sorry. We don't have

anything else in store

that would be suitable for

you. So

I'm afraid you might

be best to go elsewhere.

Come, Glen. We go.

Blago is getting impatient.

Fine.

Yeah, you wanna do this?

Yeah? Let's just do it.

You wanna f*ck me up?

Yeah! f*ck me up. Sure.

I won't go down without a fight.

You can do what you want

to me, but I swear

I'm never gonna show

you where I live!

OK, no

problem. We host.

Sorry? Yeah, sure. We host.

I'm sorry. I'm not

quite sure what you

OK, look

Two tops looking

for a bottom.

Casual hookups. No strings.

I enjoy

nipple play.

Yeah, me not so much. You?

Oh. Oh, I'm

Sorry, I'm I'm

not I don't

Oh!

..Dolly Parton?

So Sorry.

So, you're not

interested in my brother?

Erm, is he cute?

Lee, I'm coming! WAAARGH!

Ian, no! They're

just gays! Aaaargh!

Ian!

What are you doing?

Hello, Sheila.

I'm so sorry about this.

Ian, love, where

are your trousers?

My

Oh.

I'm sorry. So

you and Ian Separated, yes.

It's been six months. But I don't

think it's sunk in for him just yet.

I'm sorry. Ian. Ian! Sorry.

Sorry. Sorry, Ian. Sorry

Sorry. You DID say, didn't you,

you know, about the promotion

There is no promotion,

Glen. What? I just

One time, it slipped out, "Oh,

you'll be due a promotion."

And then you just

kept bringing it up.

No, no, no. Ian, Ian

Come on, Ian. No, I'm sorry.

Ian, Ian, Ian! Ian! Ian

Un Homme Et Une Femme

I think I finally get it,

what people mean when they

say "job satisfaction".

When you was like,

"Restrain Ian! f*ck him up!"

And I was like,

"Biiitch!"

Best day!

Why are you being like this,

bro? Why are you k*lling my vibe?

What am I gonna tell

Kirsty? You know?

We've planned our wedding around a promotion

that don't exist. I'm a f*cking idiot.

I didn't even know you

was getting married.

This is your problem - you keep

your sh*t locked down.

I'll sort it.

Pardon? "Pardon?"

Honestly, you crack me up.

You're like Mr Bean or summink.

I'll sort it. Just

like I sorted Brian.

What? My family own

this place, remember?

I told my dad that Brian showed me

his d*ck in the stock overflow area,

and now he don't

work here no more.

So I'll get Dad to make you

manager while Ian's away.

And you'll get paid

like double or summink.

You're joking?

Aysha?

Aysha, oh, my God.

Are you sure?

I've gotta tell Kirsty.

She's gonna be, erm

Right. Tell you

what.

As temporary

interim acting manager,

my first executive order is

Ha! We're closing early!

Yeah. In fact, I tell you what

YOU'RE closing early, Aysha.

Because I have got a

fiancee to win back.

Yes, Glen! Go off, short king!

"Pardon?"

This bloody guy.

Honestly, he cracks me up.

Oh, soz, mate. Closing early.

Honestly, it's been a mad one.

Glen, yeah, the

one that just left,

he's got this brother who's

staying with him, right?

'f*cking trouble, ya

know what I'm saying?

Like, I'M bad, innit'

I only called

you because Yeah.

So there's no need to tell - No.

God, no.

And actually

I had it all under control

before.

Cos it was only

meant to be like

little things, like

I don't know, like mascara

or whatever, but just

Now I've got barbecue

sauce on my top.

Here.

Thank you.

Lee

do you ever feel like

you're just, like

the worst person

in the world?

You try, you

really try, but you just

You just

You, er

You've got a chip

Jump for my love!

Jump in!

And feel my touch

Jump, if you want to

taste my kisses in the night

Then jump for my love

I know my heart ♪

Hey, love!

Yeah, erm, I'm just staying

late at work, with Jen.

I'm snowed under.

Yeah? OK, yeah! See you

later. See you at dance class.

Alright, love. No worries.

See you later.

Thanks, Jen.

Glen, I

I think you might want

to talk to Kirsty

about her suspension?

The Love Me Or Die

I studied evil, I can't deny

Was a hoodoo charm

called a Love Me Or Die

Some fingernail,

a piece of her dress

Apothecary, Devil's behest

I will relate the piteous

consequence, my mistake

Fallin' sl*ve

to passing desire

Makin' the dreaded

♪ Love Me Or Die ♪