01x05 - Episode 5

[bunniefuu]

The following program me contains

strong language and adult humour.

I borrowed some money

off some naughty people.

Gotta lie low for a

bit. It's nothing.

We're gonna have to find

this brother of his.

I don't have many strong

male friendships

But it feels like

that's changing.

Bye, love! See you

later. Dance class, yeah?

Cause I've only lumped you half

my life savings for your wedding.

I hope you're not gonna take my cash

and f*ck off to Marbella, ey Lee?

Do you not fancy me anymore?

I think you might wanna talk

to Kirsty about her suspension.

Do you ever feel like you're

the worst person in the world?

Right, well,

that's erm Yeah.

Thanks for Yeah,

yeah, yeah, yeah.

Bye. See you later.

Me Gustaria

♪ Ensenar Al Mundo a Cantar ♪

Hi love. AH, f*ck!

Erm, you're- We

closed early, so

Oh.

Left your bag in the car.

Lee?

Erm, I er, er, he

Saw her. On the street.

Yeah.

Picked her up, dropped

her off. Right.

Right. But, hang on-

Buenasera mi amoressss!

How we feeling up in here?!

Scuse lateness! She

is run off her feet.

This is my lunch,

would you believe?

Right, are we ready?!

Midweek warmup in 5,6,7,8 and

Are we staying sir?

They need to get

used to an audience.

Show a bit of support! Come on!

You know you want to!

Great! Now positive vibes only

inside the space is all I ask.

Also £2 donation for spectators.

Pop it in the tub.

6, 7, 8 and come on

Ooh and move your hips!

b*tch! Why are you

screening my calls?

What if I was on

fire or some sh*t?

Anyway, listen

Y'know you said 'Don't tell

anyone about your brother' yeah?

Well, see, thing

is

Don't 'tut' me, sweat patch!

Get some deodorant,

have some self-respect!

Stinky prick!

So, there was this

bloke, right

So How was work?

Oh, yeah, y'know, just usual.

And here we go! And

Ladies and gentlemen,

please, welcome to the floor,

the new Mr and Mrs Campbell

with The Lambada!

♪ Sweet Child O' Mine ♪

Love it! Yes, yes.

Lead, Glen!

Come on! From the

hips! The hips!

Thing about the

lambada, see? Dominance.

Right, if he can't lead, I'm

sorry, the whole thing goes to-

Ah, sh*t.

I think I-I've scratched

I've scratched the cornea. Glen!

Just pull it away! Be careful,

be careful! Be careful!

There. You're free. Argh!

I've, I've, I've got some

erm, eye drops in my bag

Very brittle hair, haven't ya?

You wanna sort that, darling?

It's your iron, love,

you're deficient.

I'll just, er, won't be a sec

Not so fast, Mr Spectator!

Let's see what you got, ey?

Oh, no, let's not.

I won't expect footwork, just wheel

her about while she runs the choreo!

No. No, you're alright.

I won't take no for an answer!

You might have to, my darling.

Ah! He's not got what it takes

for Latin. Heavy tread, y'see?

You f*cking what?

No, no! It's fine.

I can't expect you to be

able to lead. I'm able.

Canning Town Break

Dance Champion 1999.

That sh*t stays with you.

I mean, I don't think you

should- Come here, now!

5, 6, 7, 8, let's go!

Love it!

Ooh, hello!

Oh. It's great to have

someone finally lead, eh?!

I just thought you should know,

man's a proper dodgy geezer, innit.

6, 7, 8

Stealing my lady, is it?

Right, well I'm going.

If I can make it.

What with me heavy treads.

Lee, Lee, mate, wait erm

Glen, you need to go and

dance with your fiancee.

Oh, Lee!

Er, listen, weird question but

you don't know any scary

Irish blokes, do you?

Something about a

rabbit tattoo or

What?

Oh, no, forget it.

No, it's just Aysha at work

being weird. See you later.

Ok, let's go! And 5, 6, 7, 8

♪ Noir C'est Noir ♪

Oh, couldn't sleep?

Nah. No, me neither.

I've just been

doing a deep clean.

I just do it with

the lights off,

it's just a bit more

sort of mindful.

Erm listen, Lee.

I was just thinking that, erm

maybe, you could find erm

find somewhere else to stay.

Oh.

Because everything was fine

like, we were fine.

And now, I dunno-

Yeah. Alright.

What?

Nothing.

I'll go.

Right. Right.

Oh god, oh no

Ohhhhh Yeah, yeah.

I'm so sorry.

It's just the boys, they hang

a little bit lower nowadays-

Yes, no, I can see that. Yeah

Anyway, shut the fridge,

Kirst. Save the planet.

I think I'm just gonna

go and get some sleep.

Night, night.

Yeah. Night, night.

Busy day at work today,

do you reckon, love?

Yeah. I've got loads on.

I know, love

about your job

And to be honest, love, I'm a

I'm a bit scared

Cause like you know,

you're always telling me

about work, about your day,

about how Liz from Accounts

has had a blonde bob done

and how she looks

the spit of He-man.

And you know

if you can lie to me

about all that then

what else might you be

lying about, y'know?

What?

What? What is it?

I know, Kirst.

I found out.

I'm so sorry. I don't

know how it happened.

I know that's your brother,

it's just

You'll have to spit that out love,

I can't tell a word you're saying.

Listen, I'll go downstairs,

I'll put the kettle on.

And then, I need you

to tell me everything.

Ok. Alright.

Like why they suspended

you in the first place.

You Don't Own Me ♪

f*ck hell. Do you

think it's a lot?

I mean

f*ck hell. What are these?

Er, Homewares.

Yeah, and I had a

bit of a B&Q phase,

so I've got quite a lot of

these extendable magnetic pens.

They're, like, for getting things

down the back of radiators.

Like, look, oh Spare keys!

So What about these?

Body jewels. Yeah, I don't

know what that was about.

And the printer cartridges

that's why I was suspended.

Kirst, there's loads

of 'em. Yeah, 28.

We don't have a printer.

No, it's not

It's just like

doing it.

It makes me feel

I don't know, like

special.

Alright?

You're not at work?

She's told me, Lee.

Everything. Haven't you?

Well What? About the-

He knows that I've been suspended

and I've been stealing from work.

Yeah. Where've you been?

Run.

Run? Yes.

You alright? Yeah, I'm

alright, yeah. You?

I'm alright,

yeah. You alright?

Gonna put the kettle on.

I'm so stupid.

I was doing so well.

I'm basically a paralegal.

I do more work than half the

solicitors there and now

Oh, yeah, that's a Knight

of the Round Table

Oh, I don't know

why. I don't know.

I'm sorry, I'm such a freak.

You're not. You're not,

Kirst. Don't say that.

You know you've got

a what is it?

A mental health thingy.

Probably cause your mum's

a psychopath, to be honest.

And a-actually, they

shouldn't be firing you

for an actual manageable

What?

Kirsty. Get your

f*cking shoes on.

Aysha, I need you to hold the

fort. I'll be about an hour.

This is jokes, man.

I'm on my own here.

I don't know how

them tills work!

Maybe now would

be a good time to-

how do you not know

how the tills works?

Glen! Er, I gotta go. Sorry.

I can't slow down. If I

slow down, I won't do it.

Lip balm! Alright, here

I'm so dry. You're

making me nervous.

This is what Deborah Meaden

feels like every single day.

It's so stressful.

I f*cking love it!

Come on!

Oh, f*ck off.

Are they expecting you?

They're not, Becky, no.

Well that shouldn't

still work, should it?

I need to sign you

in- No, he's with me!

No. He needs a lanyard.

Just push through, just push

through it, push through!

Look don't you dare call

security, Becky! Don't you dare!

Daryl?! Daryl, I might need you!

Let's have it, you c**t!

Who the f*ck are you?

Jesus Christ! No, he's a skinny

bloke in a loincloth, now who are ya?

Alright, alright, alright,

I'm Lee. I'm Glen's brother!

Why didn't you say

then, you dickhead?

What did you hit me with?!

Oh, it's a chicken, innit.

Who the f*ck are you?

Ay! Sue. Pleasure.

And if anyone asks,

they gave me a key so's I can

come and go as I please, alright?

Yeah, whatever.

I've gotta go.

f*ck! The bag!

Oh my God, I'm shaking. I

can feel my arse vibrate.

You got my cue cards? There's

nothing on them, love.

Yeah, I know, they're just

a power prop, aren't they?

Get with it!

Door opening.

Sorry.

Sue! Don't answer the phone!

Do not

answer that f*cking-

Hello?

Glen? No, he's at work at

the moment, what's it about?

Oh, the other Mister Campbell?

Yeah You must mean Lee!

f*ck!

Mark Raynor. He's the one

that gave me the suspension.

Smirk on his face

when he did it.

Well, I am gonna

march into his office.

And I am gonna

say, "Mark, you"

"..are a turd!"

Not sure that'll get

your job back, love.

I'm just pumping

myself up, aren't I?

Glen! Work with me here. OK!

I'm gonna go in there

and I'm gonna say,

"Mark, you thought you

could push me out."

"And you thought you

were better than me."

"But the truth is

Mark, you are a worm."

"You are a tiny little worm boy

underneath my shoe Mark and I"

What? What is wrong with you?

I erm

I'll take the next one.

I suppose, if we're

being honest, I em

I think I quite like it when you

talk to me like Mark from HR.

Change of plan.

You're reimbursing 'em for this

one, mate. That one's not on me.

Car keys. You off?

Where you going? I could

do with a lift into town.

Opposite direction!

A12, is it? Cause I've got

some business that way too!

What did I do with them?

You looking for these?

What's the magic word?

Don't you f*cking try me, girl.

Charming!

At least drop me at the

precinct. You gotta go that way!

Oh! S sorry.

What the f*ck do you want?

There's something I need to say.

It's rather pressing so

I've written it down.

I have the cards here-

Move your f*cking car!

Yes, well, I-I-if I could

just r-read this first-

Lee!

Although

it's been but a few days

from the moment we met-

Oh f*ck!

f*ck!

Get out!

What do you think

you're doing? PERVERT!

Sorry, but as I say

this is rather pressing.

Oops.

I dropped my ring binder.

That's a lever arch file-

Shhhh

Fetch.

I didn't tell you

to stand. Did I?

Don't make me cross,

you little

twat.

Sorry, sorry, is that not?

Sorry, sorry

Erm, you pathetic little man.

You've come in handy, you have.

I'm up and down the A12

like a blue-arsed fly.

'Mother of the bride'. I've got a

list of jobs as long as my t*ts.

I'm DJing the wedding.

Gotta try out some kit.

Take a left here.

Who are you then?

I'm Lee's friend and Glen's

boss, but mostly Lee's friend.

Ooh, nice when blokes

have friends, innit.

Like Michael Ball and Alfie Boe.

Thanks, Paul!

Hello Jen. Looking

for something?

Oh my god.

Mm. Disgusting, isn't he?

Right, we're here.

Get out now.

Alright!

Lively darling, yeah!

Ta-tah!

I want you out

n'all. But I haven't-

Maybe another time, yeah? I

I'll just spin through it.

Dear Lee, though it's

been but a few days

from the moment we met

I felt-

I felt an overwhelming

sense of peace

A P-peace the likes

of which never

No, no, no!

She's got m'f*cking bag!

Keep moving.

Oh, piss off, Daryl.

Your jumper's inside out.

Do you know what, Glen, I've

been thinking actually

f*ck this place.

I can get another job, easy.

Maybe even a full paralegal.

Oh my god. Kirsty, I

didn't even tell you.

I got the promotion!

What?! I-I got it, yeah!

I know, since everything

happened, I didn't-

Bye, twats!

Where's your manager? Tell

him I want a test drive.

He's on lunch, I

can't really do-

Look, son, I might be dropping

a grand on these decks,

a tuna baguette can wait.

Keats himself wrote, 'Truth is

beauty and beauty is truth'.

Well, who am I to

scorn such words

Here. I've brought

my own USB, mate.

There's a few tracks I

wanna try out, alright.

Oi Topknot! Hit the lights!

: One,

two. One, two.

♪ Sweet Child O' Mine ♪

Ladies and Gentlemen,

the bride and groom

Kirsty and Glen,

this is your big day!

Everything you've worked and

saved so bloody hard for

Lee, I've been living a lie.

Running from the truth.

But now I see myself

for who I really am.

Cause that's what it's

all about Family.

And now I think I

see a way through,

a way to put things right

And family looks out

for each other. Always.

I felt something Lee

something new and maybe

Just maybe

you've felt it too.

Oh

Now, get this one down ya!

Right, Glen, we are celebrating.

Yeah. Yeah! First up,

I wanna go Trish's-

You wanna go Trish's? Yeah.

Yeah, we can go Trish's.

And then c*ck,

like, fancy ones.

Yeah? That's not gonna

break the bank, is it?

Go on, check the

savings account.

Alright, one moment,

caller. Drum roll, please.

Oh, my god. This is it!

Yeah, I think everything's

falling into place for us, Glen.

And do you know what,

actually, from here on in,

I think everything is

going to be absolutely

What?

Kirst

♪ Boom, Boom, Boom ♪