A Gangster's Kiss (2024)

[bunniefuu]

I didn't plan for this...

... this wasn't the life I chose...

if you had told me 3 weeks ago

that I'd be in the middle of nowhere

digging a f*cking grave, I would have

laughed in your face and said you need

to see a psychiatrist,

f*cking hell Jack hurry up will you,

it's me mum's birthday tonight

if we're not there on time Don's

going to f*cking k*ll me.

f*ck you Danny why aren't

you getting in and help!

Well you bent it, you mend it,

plus I don't want to f*ck up

me new trainers they cost me 600 Quid.

Just cuz they cost 600 Quid doesn't mean

you paid 600 Quid.

What's that supposed to mean?

Means you nicked them.

I did not nick these trainers,

I got someone else

to nick them for me.

Oh yeah of course you did, cuz there's

always someone else in't there Dan.

Oh don't start crying about it,

listen this ain't the movies

mate, you ain't acting now,

this is real life.

I'll never be in the movies now will I!

Shh calm down, stop f*cking

crying and just dig will ya.

I'm a good person Dan,

I'm not a gangsta!

Just dig the f*cking hole mate.

Danny and I go back a long way.

Mate, what about this?

Leave it it ain't worth nothing,

come on grab a box let's go.

Infact we grew up together,

we were inseparable, even as young kids

we both knew what we wanted

out of life,

not the usual shoppy kid stuff,

like wanting to be a fireman

or a Spaceman or a Superhero,

we never want to

be anything like that,

we just wanted to be rich and

powerful, we just wanted to be

gangsters.

See you got the pram.

Yes mate.

Where'd you get it?

Nicked it from the supermarket.

What are you doing

standing there Jack,

put the boxes in the pram.

He can't.

What do you mean he can't?

He might hurt the baby.

What!

How are we going to shift the boxes?

Shift the boxes, shift the bloody boxes,

We're all going to

get done for kidnapping!

Don't shout man,

you'll fighten the baby.

Ahhh!

See I told you.

Just take it back where you found it,

we'll come back later for the stuff.

Oh no you won't!

Even as kids, Danny knew how to

push buttons on people

and make'em do things

they didn't particularly want to do.

Wow!

See I told you.

Now that's what

I call a Fanny Magnet.

As a kid I had a fascination for cars,

still after this day, and Danny knew it.

'Ear look at the dashboard.

Yeah Chrome and leather.

Look closer some idiots'

left his keys in it,

fancy a spin?

No.

Come on your dad

let you drive his van

it can't be that much different.

Please don't listen to him Jack,

we can get in a lot of trouble.

No I told you I'm not doing it this time.

Oh you're a coward, you

wait till I tell everyone.

He's like the devil

on your shoulder Jack,

resist temptation, remember

what happen to

you in the girl's toilets.

I told you I'm not doing it.

Just do it, just turn the key

it ain't going to k*ll ya!

Don't listen to him Jack he'll

get us in trouble again.

Hey Jack, ain't that the sort you like?

Which one?

The one with the big milkers.

Oh Gina?

Yeah that's the one, start a car Jack.

Oh f*ck this I knew it.

Oi Gina, fancy a spin?

Jog on little boy!

You're loss ladies.

Pull away Jack before

we look like mugs.

The policeman battered the f*ck

out of us for that little venture,

grown men punching and

kicking 12year old kids

rather than teach us a lesson, it just

fed our hatred for authority.

Don they're free to go,

no charges are being pressed.

Yeah too f*cking right they are, f*cking,

look at the state of his face,

f*cking hell who did this

to them mate?

I'll deal with it, leave it with me,

it's bang out of order.

You f*cking better deal

with it otherwise I will.

Boys!

Sorry Uncle Dom.

Sorry.

What am I going

to do with you lot? eh!

Sorry Uncle Don.

Sorry.

Fancy a Wimpy?

Yeah, yeah.

Let's go.

I used to like Danny's Uncle Don,

back then I had no idea

that he was a much feared

head of a crime family,

I just thought he was a nice guy.

Danny had a sort of mentor called Ray,

Don's brother, he

was a proper gangster

and to be quite honest

a bit of a nutcase.

I'm not too sure about this Dan.

You coming or aint you got the bollocks.

I can't see a thing in here, Marmite

put that torch on.

I didn't bring it with me.

You what?

The batteries were flat,

I bought this instead.

What the f*ck's that?

All the shops were shut,

it's better than nothing

anyone got a light?

If you don't sort your f*cking

power out, I'm going to

shove that candle

up his a*s.

Alright!

Ow! ooh!

oh oh I banged my shin on something,

it looks like an old b*mb.

Yeah hold that.

f*ck off, I'm not holding that!

What if it blows up!

Be careful.

What's this?

Hurry up Chop Chop.. COME ON.

Ahh!

Stop f*cking hitting it, it'll go off!

Get on with it Marmite come on.

Leave it alone, it's

going to f*cking blow!

Someone take that thing from him!

Don't worry about the

b*mb, worry about me.

Take it out of his hand.

I told you,

I told you not to do it!

f*ck this... f*cking hell!

I said be careful.

Oh f*cking hell, oh I'm all burnt.

Come on Jack you've got

nothing to worry about mate,

how many years do we go back?

I love you man, I got your back.

I'd never put you in a

position where you'd get hurt.

Having lost my appetite

for the underworld,

after blowing up half of

Chislehurst high street,

I let Danny talk me

into a new career path.

We found a hidden talent in

you and we're going to

make millions out of it.

Yeah just think about the money,

if we win this, it's 100 quid mate.

Danny... we're on.

Get up, listen to me,

- what are we gonna do Jack?

- Win.

- Jack what we gonna do mate?

- Win!

Come on Jack, what we gonna do?

WINNN!

Ladies and gentlemen

the bet you've been waiting for,

the main event of the evening,

Carnage in ....

Come on Jack mate, we got this,

remember what I taught you,

yeah jab, jab...

and when the time's right, good right.

He's f*cking massive!

Your f*cking dead.

Don't worry about that, the bigger

they are, the harder they fall, go on Jack.

Ladies and Gentlemen

let's hear it for

the Red Corner, on his debut fight,

Jack... Light's Out... Smith!

And in the blue Corner,

The undefeated champion,

Mickey Grave Digger Grant.

He's bigger!

f*cking hell!

Right guys I want a

good clean fight, no

f*cking biting ears off

like last time, you hear me.

Ears off?

Fight!

Come on Jack, take

his head off Jack.

Go on Jack bash him up!

Footwork Jack, footwork.

You're looking good keep moving.

That's it... bit closer.

f*cking get on with it.

Ahhh!

Better hurry up to do something

before they do us!

I always thought that

boxing was one

of the oldest, most noble

professions in the world.

I couldn't wait to give it a go,

Somebody throw the towel in!

Come on it's embarrassing.

That day I learned one

of life's big lessons,

but I was no Tyson Fury,

thinking back...

Don't be a wuss!

... Britany Spears could

have done a better job.

Put it on him Jack put it on him!

Arghh!

Jack,

Jack come on, wake up mate .

Don't leave us.

Jack!

The ambulance is on its way.

I think he's going to be all right,

he's, he's coming round.

How long have I been out for?

Not long mate, only

about 45 minutes.

Did I lose any teeth?

No mate no, they're all still there.

Oh...

that's a result.

I decided on one

last career change

and I played it safe this time,

I joined a drama College.

Great you really

nailed that, take five,

Jack you fabulous darling,

do it how you're doing it.

Come on guys.

I know people will

say dramas' for mugs,

however it does

have its perks.

What you doing after rehearsal?

Not sure, why

what were you thinking?

I was thinking that maybe

you should take me out.

Perhaps have a bit of nosh?

She wasn't talking about food

that's for sure,

they don't call her

Linda blow lips for nothing.

Everything was going perfect,

turns out I wasn't half

bad at the old acting,

the crowd were lapping it up and

so was I.

Linda certainly lived

up to her reputation,

I never really looked back on

that decision to take up drama,

it changed my life.

I want you to be honest with me,

is it true?

Sort of.

What do you mean sort of?

I wasn't sleeping with your sister.

So there is someone else.

There was, but just

the once I promise you.

But who?

Tell me who it was and we might

be able to put this

behind us and move forward.

It was your dad.

And cut! That

was fantastic flawless.

Right that was

a wrap for the day everyone.

I was spotted in the school play

and landed a part in a

well-known TV soap.

The money was rolling

in, I love the fame

and if you read the rumors in the

magazines yes I

was shagging my co-star

and the actress that

was playing her sister.

Meanwhile as I was

conquering the world

of Television, Danny

climbed the ladder

of a South London crime family.

Let me tell you something

for nothing.

Gangsters love a celebrity.

The mafia had Frank Sinatra,

the Krays at Barbara Windsor

and South London had me!

Dan, Dan come sit over here!

Here he is hello mate!

Jump in.

How's our Mr ollywood doing then?

Really well Don.

Listen Danny boy tells me

you're leaving the show

is that right?

Yeah 5 years is long enough,

time to move on.

Well they're k*lling the

character off then?

yeah his wife catches him

in a threesome with her dad

again, so she smashes

his head in with a

fire extinguisher.

Who's the third person?

Her brother.

Her brother!

f*cking hell!

I tell ya that makes

me cringe that stuff,

I don't know what this

world's coming to!

That's how it is now Don,

you have to be politically correct.

What three blokes up each other?

I don't think so!

Oi stop it!

I'm just saying.

He's right Don same with

all that pronoun stuff.

What pronoun stuff?

He she they them.

Oh that's a load of bollocks that is,

I tell you if you piss

standing up you're a he,

if you don't you're a she.

It's not as simple as

that these days Don,

It depends what you

identify as.

What would my pronoun be?

Fat mug!

Look we live in a modern world now Don.

I mean look at the telly, soaps,

adverts, everything's

got to have an LGBT appeal these days.

What the f*ck' LGBT appeal?

l*sbian, g*y, bisexual and

transgender with a bit

of black throning a good

measure.

f*cking ell, now I tell you what,

I've heard it all now.

I'll tell you that.

That's the way of

the entertainment world Don, they're

even doing it in films.

Hello Gilbert.

Alright Gilbert!

Hello chaps.

Gilbert.

Jerry!

Who the f*ck is that?

A couple of good pals of mine.

If you say so.

Look we told you, just leave us

alone all right!

Honestly.

Give over your having a laugh.

Dan tell them, they don't believe me!

Don't believe what?

That I'm the same

age as you and Jack.

He's actually telling the truth he is.

No! you're all taking the piss.

I've had a very hard life,

sex and drugs and

rock and roll.

Well you can roll on, mate,

you're not chatting me up.

Ohhh!

See that's what happens

when you burn

the candle at both ends Marmite.

I don't know that bad do I?

I hey Don listen, Jack wants to ask a

little favour when you

got 5 minutes mate.

Yeah of course, come over

the yard in the

morning, I can't hear myself

think in here.

Get that bottle of champagne

open will ya!

it's sitting on its own.

I'll have some of that

f*cking leave me alone....

Just come 'ear.

f*cking leave it out.

Ray!

What's your problem?

stop being such a f*cking...

No!

I don't f*cking

like them things...

Don't f*ck around...

Come and touch it...

... f*cking come here...

He's unbelievable isn't he.

Ray can be a right

arsehole sometimes.

How was your trip to Belgium?

Yeah went really well,

met the boss himself,

really nice guy, said he'd

undercut any competitors and

and guarantee delivery.

Finally we can f*ck the Turks off.

And the goods?

Fantastic stuff Don,

blew my head off .

Can we trust them?

As much as we can anyone Don,

I mean we trust the Turks

we can trust any old c**ts.

You have got a lovely

way with words

you know that.

Thank you.

Danny's here.

Yes send him up.

Have you seen what's going on

out there? Ray is acting

like a complete prick.

You, you just watch yourself

alright,

that prick is my brother, go on.

You alright Mum?

Alright Dan.

Am I going f*cking mental? right,

was Ray running around outside

with a live rat?

Yeah nothing surprises

me about Ray nowadays.

Your brother's f*cking mad,

someone should tell him

about Weil's disease.

Oh yeah what's that then?

It's a deadly disease

carried in rat's urine,

it's not f*cking funny Ray,

it's a f*cking wind up.

How'd it go last night?

We did some good work Don.

Anyone hurt bad?

We broke a few bones,

but no one's dead if that's

what you mean!

Yeah I thank f*ck for that.

So I'll go in right and

I'll put it on that slag

maltese Ricky and he's there

the aresehole's gone.

so I carve him up,

there's a sea of blood

I sh*t you not Dom,

it looked like...

The g*ng were

having a dispute

with a guy called Maltese Ricky...

... begging not the face, not the face,

not the f*cking, face you slag...

He owed him some money,

so Dom asked Marmite to sort it.

So I want you to take Danny and Gilbert

over to West London, all right?

Tell those Maltese slags

to pay up or else.

Look all due respect Don, I don't

need Danny and Gilbert

to nursemaid me,

I want to earn my spurs,

I want to take a step up,

up it's a popular

misconception that I am

fat and out of shape...

No!

but I can have a tear up.

That West Landon lot I'll sh*t 'em.

I am known as

Marmite the merciless.

Merciless, merciless?

I'll give you f*cking

merciless you prick.

Honestly you can keep the

money, it was a joke!

Ow!

Marmite you prick!

Don was well pissed off when Marmite

come back with broken ribs and his arm

broke in three different places.

So we sent Ray to sort

Maltese Ricky out.

f*cking pounded him

to an inch of his life.

Ray is an enforcer for the g*ng

known to most of the g*ng as nutnut,

Now how we got that name...

now there's a story...

Ray was doing time in Nick and

found out the rat who

grasped him up was

in the hospital unit

in his prison.

Ray wanted him bad,

it all sounds fine to me.

Oh glad to hear it doctor.

It's just a touch a depression

you'll get over it, I'm

sending you back to your wing.

Ray was f*cked, so we had to

come up with something pretty

exceptional to get him

out of that situation.

Can you hear that doctor?

What's the matter?

Can you?

What?

They're everywhere!

Who?

The dead people.

Come on...

They're watching me...

Get a grip!

That one's got an AXE!

- Stop f*cking about.

- Ahh!

Oh Jesus Christ!

Great idea,

but the thing was,

Ray forgot he was two floors up.

Are you all right?

Oh my God!

The doctor had no option

but to certify him insane.

Hense the nickname Nut nut.

It was f*cking glorious.

So how's it left then?

Had to pull all the Maltese

Ricky's teeth out,

I'm thinking of calling him

Ricky the Gums...

...perhaps he'd forgive us

if I buy him a set of falsies.

Jack...

what's this favour you're after?

I've been offered a part in a film,

it will take me away from TV,

to another level,

it's a gangster film.

It's not going to be

another comedy is it?

You know it makes us

all look like mugs.

Ah that's just it Don,

I want it to be realistic.

Basically he just wants to come out and

shadow me for a

little bit, you know

see what it's really like out there.

Yeah.

You're all right with this?

Yeah it'd be alright,

I don't see why not do you?

So long as we get invited to the premiere

Of course.

I want you to pay the

Turk brothers a visit,

give them a message from Don.

Oh do I have to, they're a

bunch of f*cking wrong'uns.

Yes I have to attend a

little personal problem.

Drop me out Ray, mate please.

Danny, what you worried about?

not like they're going

to k*ll you are they.

Take Jason Statham with you, let him

see how the other half live.

Make sure you wear your stab vests.

Stab vests?

He's f*cking about come on.

Gil'll be your backup,

he'll pick you up tonight

and take that fat lazy prick

Marmite with you as well.

well if you're

heading to the beach....

don't forget that sunscreen...

... the best music all day long...

I never had you down as a reader Marmite.

I'm not books can do one,

t*ts I've got time for.

Though they got rid of Page Three?

They did to appease the

wanky feminist lobby.

And I absolutely think that's right.

They're doing people out of a job Gilbert.

How did you work that one out?

Well instead of getting some

nice young girl to get her baps out,

out they get some celebrity in a bikini

and it's double exploitation.

How do you work that one out?

Well they're still showing

the female form in all its glory,

but no one's getting paid

and they call that progress.

What's he harping on about now?

Nothing really just being

his usual sexist self,

reckons all birds should

get their t*ts out.

Men have been using power

and money and women have been using

looks and sex since

the beginning of time

I mean look at Cleopatra, when she

was pegging Julius Caesar.

That's actually quite insightful

Marmite, you should put

that on the back of a

car sticker or coffee mug.

Speaking of mugs, you're late.

Well you best get a

move on then ain't ya...

... come on let's go.

Right Jack listen don't look at these

guys funny cuz they ain't exactly

Turkish do you know what I mean.

What do you mean? not exactly Turkish.

Well one of them's black,

one of them's Scottish and

the other one's maybe Turkish.

I thought you said

they were brothers?

Well that's what they say,

that's what I mean, don't ask.

So they were adopted.

Well we don't know what they are.

Just to clarify,

is it mus or moose?

Well I think moose.

but you don't say nothing

you don't need to speak,

just stay calm don't get

involved in anything. Moose can be a

little bit violent.

Oh f*ck this man, listen Ray should be

doing this, this is a load of bollocks.

We don't want to wind

the Turks up, so leave

any tools you've got in the motor.

Jack listen mate these guys are absolute

f*cking psychos they've

lost the plot,

don't say nothing,

just nod and shake

your head and only talk,

if they talk to you alright.

Okay Joe stay with the car.

Okay Gil, right come on,

let's do this.

You alright Candice?

Alright boys.

Good to see you with your clothes on.

Hiya Candice, you still single?

My forbidden love is stronger than the

binds that hold me,

my forbidden love,

I think I'm old enough to choose,

my forbidden love,

the one I had in a picture book,

my forbidden love with you.

Oh I could just do with a kebab.

What?

I'm starving I haven't eaten all day.

I've just seen you eat two club

sandwiches and three

Jam Donuts in the car,

car you gluttonous Pig.

I've got a blood disorder, I have

to keep my sugar levels up.

Oh shut up you toe rag,

we're here to work,

Danny darling where the f*ck have you been?

Oh sorry we got a little bit held up.

Follow me, they're waiting for you.

I'll give you that 20 on Thursday mate.

Alright.

Oi garcon, a bit of service

at the bar s'il vous plait.

What can I get ya?

I'll have a double Brandy,

one cube of ice and

for the lovely lady...

I'd like a nice

bottle of carafe please.

A carafe is a container that

the wine comes in mum.

Oh really silly me.

Silly as arseholes my misses.

But my daughter's the opposite,

private education

cost us a bleeding fortune but

money well spent.

She's bisexual as well.

Bilingual Mum.

Oh yeah that's the one,

she can speak fluent French,

go on Aggie, speak

to them in french.

order yourself a drink for the lady,

I'll just have a Coke

with ice please.

And what wine can I get you madam?

I'd like a nice bottle of champagne, some

Prosecco please.

Prosecco isn't champagne mum.

We haven't got any prosecco I'm afraid.

Oh f*ck me, what sort

of a place is this then eh?

Go and get us a bottle of champagne, now.

Which one?

I like the most expensive one darling.

Gotcha!

Muz's a bit pissed off that

you're late Danny.

Oh yeah is that right

yeah, f*ck him.

I know that cute little face,

you're quite the

celebrity, what's your name?

Jack.

And yours?

Lotta.

Listen don't worry about all that

Jack, remember what I told you,

keep your f*cking

mouth shut alright?

Does Mem's appearance offend you?

No.

I was just wondering that's all.

How I got this?

Well you know just interested.

Friends call me Dr. Dolittle.

That's an interesting nickname.

I have a way with

animals, a gift,

when I was young I found this

beautiful little bumblebee,

it was cold and the bee had no

energy to fly home.

I made him a little drink of water

and honey to revive him and sustain him

on his perilous journey back to the hive.

I was sure he was trying to say

thank you, my God for giving me

energy, he even let me stroke his

delicate fur.

As if by magic it took off.

There, there my little bee friend.

Don't be afraid, fly

back to the queen and tell

her Mem sent you.

So the bee made it

back to the hive then.

No the ungrateful little

c**t stung me in the eye,

HELP!

In my panic, I ran into a

Romanian Gypsy Camp, looking for help.

Help! help!

Help me!

The dogs were a savage

vicious curse,

frightening to most people, but not

to Dr Dolittle, the Dog

whisperer,

part of my gift was that I

could telepathically

communicate with animals.

Sh-lee-taah!

Ee-sh-nar.

My calming incantation never fails,

I had the situation

completely under my control...

until...

Ee-sh nar....

f*ck bit my hand off.

God!

Could have been worse.

It was!

I was desperate if I went down, they

would have eaten me for sure,

my only hope was

to make for the open road,

Ohh!

That's how I got my wooden leg.

That's um terrible.

Enough of this,

where the f*ck's Ray?

Baby, this is uh dad's mate Ray.

you remember my daughter Agrippina?

No I can't say I do.

Oh we're having the night out

and we're celebrating cuz

she's just had a beautiful baby girl.

Oh yeah good for her.

What? what's up Ray?

140 please.

Keep the change love.

Oh thanks.

You're not going to buy me a drink?

Seeing as it's my

money you're spending.

do you mind we're out celebrating

and we do not appreciate you

just walking in here uninvited.

Let me stop you there,

you orange face slag.

Before I have to take this glass and

smash it down your throat.

Dad are you going to let

him talk to Mum like that?

You can shut up as well.

How old was she, when she

got knocked up f*cking 12?

Don't worry girls he's

only joking we're good mates

aren't we Ray, we go way back.

Back far enough to know,

I don't joke and I don't

like to find people that owe me money.

Go outside girls,

I need to speak...

They stay where they f*cking are.

Look mate,

I'm I'm really sorry, could I maybe try

and explain the situation to Don?

I ain't your mate and

I don't give a f*ck what Don thinks,

you took the debt from me.

I'm sorry Ray, I really

am but I don't want any problems.

Problems? how about I f*ck

your as*h*le so hard

it looks like a jam fritter?

how's that for a f*cking problem!

I'm sorry mate but I been on hard times.

DON'T f*cking lie

to me, I gave you the money

you slag cuz you said you was

having trouble with your morgage,

you said you was going to

have your home repossessed,

then what did you do?

Went on a f*cking cruise.

It was only a short one Ray.

Oh it's all right then and how about

the motor, bought yourself a brand new

Range Rover have we?

No, no he didn't he

bought that as a present for me.

I swear to God, if you

don't shut her up, do you

know what I'm going to do?

I'm going to

tongue punch your arsehole

and make her watch.

I'm really sorry Ray I

really am mate,

look here, have the car key

and the money,

it's all yours mate and me watch,

and the jewelry.

What are you doing?

What you doing?

Give me the f*cking ring.

You b*stard.

Mum, be quiet.

What? you've insulted me now.

I'm not a lone shark bully,

just pay me what you owe me, please.

I will Ray, I promise four weeks tops,

I won't let you down.

Oh I know that.

Can I get you a drink?

No no, let me get you both one.

Do you prefer a glass or do you want it

straight from the pipe?

Don't worry love

I'll leave you out this round,

you look a bit young to drink.

Now drink it.

f*cking drink it now!

Four weeks and I want every penny.

Where the f*ck is Ray?

Ray couldn't make it alright

but he sends his regards.

then you come here, for that?

Well no, I got a message from Don an' I.

And?

So f*cking what!

Look listen he wants to

meet somewhere neutral, yeah

renegotiate terms of business.

I've known Don for 10 years,

what's there to renegotiate.

Can't answer that, look he just

told me to delivered a message, yeah.

And he sends a f*cking runner!

on a f*cking errand,

it's an insult and

who the f*ck are you?

who you

Who?

You!

Me?

Really?

Superstar.

Yeah, you're in that program,

East Street!

Yeah, yeah that's

right that's me.

You're the guy who likes d*ck!

Now we're talking!

Ah no, only in the last couple of episodes.

My daughter, she loves that show.

Mem! selfie!

Come here, come here.

Selfie!

Come on.

Eh! Lotta... Lotta,

break out the Tiger milk,

You boys like Raki?

Yeah.

I got some special Rakiii!

Raki, Raki...

Raki, Raki, Raki...

Well how to meet go boys?

How'd it go? Dunno, I think

someone spiked the Raki!

We should never have

had those Disco Biscuits.

That coke didn't help either.

Listen I'm glad Mus recognize you,

but you should not have

given him your number.

What could I do?

Give him a moody one.

He took my number and rang

me back straight away

so I'd have his number.

Just ditch the phone.

No you can't do that,

he'll go f*cking mental.

It's okay don't worry about it,

what can happen?

f*ck it's Mus!

It's Mus, f*cking answer it then.

Hello? Uh no... I'm

afraid I've got a girlfriend,

uh yeah, no it's really just acting okay,

I promise.

Who was it?

Lotta, wanted to take me out on a date.

Should have give her my number,

I would have give her one.

I bet you would.

Listen you're not going

to hear the end of it Jack,

mark my words.

Come on lets get out of here.

f*ck!

Mus.

I was just thinking about you.

There was this advert in this comic

there were these beautiful,

little pink water monkeys

having a great time, they were,

Yeah great time.

They had a little one

digging up treasure,

another one eating

his ice cream, his

King all proud with a crown

his Queen laying beside

him having a picnic,

propper sort she was,

I'll tell you this for nothing,

if she weren't a water monkey, I'd have

given her one.

How you eat an

ice cream underwater?

Yeah I was thinking that.

You shut up

and let me finish.

Sorry!

Where was I?

Yeah so I sent off to America, got the

deluxe version, postage cost me a fortune.

When it arrived I was all

careful to open it,

I didn't want to frighten them,

I was a bit disappointed,

I thought they'd be fully grown

and all I had

was his pack of tiny eggs,

but I nurtured them

There you go. I nurtured them morning,

noon and night and then

that day finally arrived,

and I realized I've been ripped

off with a load of f*cking waterfleas.

So how much they set you back then?

Five quid.

And what do you expect for five quid?

Jurassic Park?

What' you do with them?

I dropped the c**ts down a toilet

We've got a problem?

Ginger nut has just been nicked

with a ton of our puff

and a shitload of cash.

We need to get to him before he

gets time to think about it.

Ginger won't grass he wouldn't dare.

You are talking about a lot of time,

someone needs to speak to him.

Yeah Sadie's right nothing

surprises me nowadays.

Gilbert go and pick up

Crassus and get over there.

Oh look who's late again Jack.

Sorry Dan, our new mate's driving me mad.

f*ck, it's him again.

Just f*cking ignore it.

Ignore who?

Mus!

Who?

Mr Turk.

What the f*ck's he calling him?

He recognized him and

asked him for his number.

When?

When we went to deliver your message.

Who sent you to deliver

my message to the Turks?

Ray.

I sent you.

I had to attend a little personal problem.

I sent you, you c**t!

What's he want?

He wants me to go to his daughter's

wedding, as the man of honour.

Well tell him you can't make it,

you're filming or something

Wind him down gently.

Yeah tread carefully,

them Turks are lunatics.

Right, you three

get the f*ck out of here,

You, I want a word with you,

what the f*ck are you thinking?

When you're working

for a crime family,

and all going hunky dory you're fine.

One of the crew, family, bonded by blood.

But if it all goes t*ts up

things are very different,

Suddenly you're on your own,

cast a drift at Sea.

You got five minutes

with no cameras, Crassus.

If you don't do

what the boss wants,

there will be very

dire consequences.

Carassus, thank God...

Shut up...

and let me tell you

how this is going to play out.

I get you're scared,

and you want me to

tell you nice things,

warm cuddly things,

but first I've got to

tell you how it is.

The good news comes later.

Understand?

I understand...

I don't have time for you to talk either,

any questions just raise your hand,

good... very good,

but I'm not taking questions

at this time,

so there is no good news,

due to the size of the seizure

and the Firearms, you'll

be made an example of,

sentenced hard,

8 to 12 years minimum,

I mean they'll offer you a deal

and if you cooperate

then they'll half your sentence,

so that's out in six maybe with

good behaviour, parole in four,

they'll play on it for the

sake of the kids, but

what they won't

tell you is, if you snitch,

we will hunt you down

and k*ll you like a rat,

mind you, not before the

lads have gone to town,

on your wife, who will

be m*rder*d afterwards

unless she kills herself,

with the shame of being seen to

by a group of fellas,

so...

when they're offering you that deal

for the sake of the kids,

remember...

a long-distance dad is better

than two dead parents.

Now, it's time for the good news,

the warm cuddly news

in return for you doing your

time like a man,

we will give you two grand a month

plus an extra 2K for

Christmas and holidays,

so now you know what

you have to do don't you.

Excellent speaking to you um any questions?

here's my card my assistant

will be dealing with your case

Don't worry he's one of the best,

I only work with the best.

So what do I say?

Don't stress about it, just

say what Sadie said

and say you're filming.

Here we go...

Dear Mus, I am so sorry

that I cannot make

your beautiful..

Nice.

daughter's wedding as

a man of Honour,

as I happen to be filming.

That's nice, short, sweet, to the point,

wait add a kiss,

soften the blow.

Good call.

Sent.

You tell them f*cking

Albanians they either,

pay up or face the consequences,

if they want to sell gear on our turf.

Yes Mus.

Ah!

Message from Jack.

Oh he makes me go weak at the knees.

What's he say?

Dear Mus, I'm sorry I can't make your

beautiful daughter's wedding

as man of honour,

as I happen to be filming, what's

What's up?

He called me a c**t!

What?

Look!

A man of honour,

happen to be filming

C

I can't believe it, not only

does he disrespect my daughter,

but he called me a c**t,

I'm going to f*cking k*ll him.

It's Mus!

Well answer it.

Hello Mus.

Jack, it's Lotta.

Mus is going crazy, he wants

your head on a plate,

Why did you call him the c word?

The what?

C, U, N, T, I don't like that word.

I didn't.

You did, I saw it with my own eyes.

Lotta, that was a mistake

it was meant to be an X,

a kiss.

For your own good Jack,

better ring him quick and explain.

Okay I'll do that right now thanks Lotta.

I f*cked up.

Look Jack why don't you just

f*cking ring him yes,

so much easier.

No, let technology do the work

speech to text, how this,

Dear Mus, I am so sorry

for the misunderstanding,

stupidly missed the kiss

and hit the C next to it.

to make amends I will attend the wedding,

so I can smile, as I watch

you take your daughter, up the aisle.

Love it, f*cking send it.

Message sent.

f*ck!!!

What?

f*cking read it back now!

MUS!

MUS!

He's not picking up.

You better keep trying mate cuz

listen, if Dom finds out

he's going to go ballistic.

It's not that bad Danny.

It's not that bad!

You told him to give it to

his daughter, up her dirt

pipe on her wedding day.

f*ck it!

Not f*ck it Jack,

w*r has been started

for less than this,

You best keep on until

he picks up, cuz if Dom

finds out it's going to go from bad to

worst quick sharpish.

It's ringing.

Yeah.

Lotta, it's Lotta..

Speak to him speak to him,

tell him to sort it out.

Lotta, about the taking up the a*s message,

it was a genuine mistake,

predictive text,

what do you mean seizure?

hospital? Is he still there?

Give me the phone, give me the phone,

give me the phone.

Lotta, hello? yeah

listen he didn't mean it,

look you got to

sort this out for us,

before it gets out of hand,

Jack I'll do anything,

yeah anything!

tomorrow? all right, thank you.

Said she's going to sort it out

under one condition.

What's that?

Oh here he is! you took your time,

have a good night Jack?

This stays between us Dan.

of course, I mean what's a bit of

d*ck between friends, hey.

A bit?

You both look really dashy.

Thanks it's me mum's birthday,

Don's throwing a party.

Jack you sure you want

to go this way, don't want

to try the back door?

f*ck off Danny.

Only joking oi!

f*ck off Danny.

It'll be okay I managed

to calm Mus down,

with a little bit of help

from his daughter,

and a bit of medication,

got him to understand

the predictive text problem,

Do you like coke?

Look it's wrote do you like c*ck?

I was planning on k*lling

you do know that Jack?

and I can understand why Mus,

I am so sorry,

Yeah now I just want to

plant a big kiss on you,

Hey listen this Texting for

you is really funny man,

Check this. Do you want

to eat some peanuts?

Do you want to eat some penus!

Listen listen boys, let's

grab a drink and listen to

the game and let bygones be bygones.

Come on, come on, come on,

come on Mus, what's going on?

are they winning or what?

Take a shot, take a shot.

Oh f*ck me!

What the f*ck have you done Jack?

I I didn't mean to,

is he dead?

He's got a f*cking 4 foot

Harpoon hanging out of his chest,

I think he's f*cking dead yeah.

I'm in so much trouble.

Just calm down,

we need to work this out.

I f*cking k*lled him Danny!

If they hear us, they'll

f*cking k*ll us mate.

Calm it down, we

need to work this out now.

We need to work it out. Shh.

What a game, what a game woo!

Lotta, you go home,

alright when they ask

you what happened,

you just say Mus showed

us to a cab and then

he said he wanted

some fresh air so he went

for a walk around the block,

are you listening to me?

Yeah.

He showed us to the cab he said he

wanted fresh air so he went

for a walk around the block.

Okay.

We stick to this story

or we're f*cking dead alright.

Go on off you go.

Come on.

Dan?

What?

What are we going to do with him?

Don't worry I'll sort that

out alright, get in the car.

Get in the car Jack,

come on.

Right, come on

let's get him in the hole.

How do we do that?

We just put him in the

f*cking hole!

What roll him in?

We can't roll him in,

we got to pick him up and

Chuck him in the hole.

I'm not touching him again

he stinks.

What do you mean he stinks?

Oh sorry I smell so bad mate I

ain't had time for a shower since you

f*cking harpoon me,

pick him up.

Oh for f*ck sake!

Alright on three

one...two...three.

You're going to have to get in.

Why?

It's not deep enough.

What you mean it's not deep

enough? it's well deep.

The arpoon sticking out.

What do want me to do about that?

Just get in and sort it out

jump in for f*ck sake.

Right.

All you got to do grab the arpoon and

jam it in him a bit more.

I'm not jamming it in,

you jam it in!

For God's sake!

Hold that.

What's this?

Don't touch that!

Oh for f*ck sake!

Oh I love it, oh thanks Don.

f*ck me!

It's creature from the black lagoon!

You're late.

What you think this is , fancy dress?

What the hell's happened to you Danny?

and where's your shoes?

Just got in a bit of a fight that's all,

just a little scrap.

What was it mud wrestling?

Look listen, we're uh we're pretty

knackered and um we just wondered

if you if you mind

if we just call it a night?

We do mind actually you come and

keep your mum happy,

listen get some more

champagne in, then you two go and get

yourself cleaned up.

Jack, Jack, listen

listen listen, if we

stick to our story we're

going to be alright.

I'm still in a daze

it's as if I'm in a nightmare.

A nightmare you f*cking

caused, listen to me,

if you cave in, we're

both f*cking dead Jack,

they'll k*ll us mate right.

I'll be okay.

Yeah you f*cking better be,

look you're an actor

alright, just act, you're good

at it yeah, come on

you're going to be all right, we're late,

we better hurry up.

Dad.

What?

I love you.

Oh f*ck off Jack come on

don't f*ck this up.

So the last time Mus was

seen, was with these two.

I've got no idea what he's going on about,

Don, listen last time I saw him

he showed us to the car and he

said he was going to go for a walk,

you know wheel,

you know what I mean.

Oi!

You're a f*cking liar,

Lotta saw you get into a taxi.

A f*cking cab then, I don't

know we were drunk.

Where's my f*cking brother?

We don't f*cking know!

Calm it down the lot of you,

Mem you come around here

making accusations,

You want to have it with them,

then you have it with us as well,

alright, now until you got

proof f*ck off out of here.

You won't hear the last of this.

We aren f*cking done yet.

What the f*ck were you doing

there in the first place?

You said to let him

down gently Sandie, so

we went around there to

have a face to face,

you know out of respect.

So you telling me you

had nothing to do with Mus

going on the missing list?

Of course not we wouldn't

lie to you, swear it on me

mother's life!

Then f*ck 'em.

You wanted a word?

Yeah we're all going to

keep our heads down,

so we find out which way Ginger nut

swings all right!

So that means no dealing,

no extortion, no nothing

Oh thats right is it?

and am I'm going to earn?

I've got commitments.

Yeah well that's how it's going to be.

I've got some more good

news for you as well,

the boss wants to see us,

find out what the f*ck's

going on around here.

The boss? f*ck that!

Yeah you're coming as well.

Don, I love ya,

but not a f*cking chance.

I wonder if f*ck face is here?

Who?

The butler, it could make

things awkward for us,

he f*cking hates me.

Why?

Well last time I was here

after the meeting,

it turned into a bit of a sesh.

right, heard some

weird noises coming

from the drawing room.

Like what?

Like naughty naughty someone speaking

all strange I thought it

was a Punch and Judy show.

I love Punch and Judy, was it?

No it weren't it was the boss giving

him a severe portion

right in the apple fritter,

with the biggest f*cking dildo

you've ever seen in your life!

Yeah he must have an

arsehole like a wind sock.

Anyway ever since then

he ain't really liked me.

Been making things awkward

getting in the boss's ear,

disrespecting me you know,

so we got to watch him today.

Just stick to the f*cking plan all right?

Do you remember what I said to you?

Stick to the plan.

Stick to the plan.

Let's do this.

You're late.

Sorry we got a bit lost.

Well let's get inside the

boss is waiting for us.

Why did they want to see us all together?

I'm sure you'll find out.

So what's the sh*t

about the f*cking Turks?

Look it's just a simple

misunderstanding, it's nothing for

you to worry about.

I'm not worried Donald,

but maybe you should be.

I promise you it's all under control.

I don't want a blood bath

like the 1960s, do I make myself clear?

Thank you Sam, but in this instance

I think tea would be rather boring.

Anybody fancy some chifu?

Are you mad?

What talking shite about me like that?

I don't know what you're talking about.

What d'ya mean you don't know

what I'm talking about,

I'll end you right now.

What are you going on about?

What have I done now then?

You're going around telling...

Sam was spitting blood

that Danny had been spreading

malicious rumors about the Punch and Judy

arsehole like a windsock incident.

Dan humbly apologised as he

thought Sam would take his head off.

Instead Sam said let bygones be bygones,

and offered to get us a few drinks,

The next minute the boys are sitting back,

enjoying a nice c*ck of course,

what we didn't know

was that Sam spiked them.

Now don't get me wrong

it all started out lovely,

the boss was happy,

Don was delighted,

and all was good with the the world.

Sam even got on

with decks, it was blinding,

we began a party, the drinks began to flow,

so did we, I mean literally.

Looking back we should have

clocked that things weren't right,

but then it's hard to

get a proper perspective

when you're tripping off your t*ts.

I felt amazing I was so

in touch with my feminine side that I

wanted to make myself pregnant.

We were all off our nuts,

at one point Marmite

was convinced Dan was

made out of rubber,

we later found out the boss made

Sam spike our drinks,

She wanted us to let our guard down,

and see if we let any information slip

which to be fair, would

have been a good plan

had any of us been

compos mentis, things went from the

sublime to the ridiculous,

apart from the daddy dancing

a fair bit of gurning,

Gilbert and Marmite thought

they were dogs and had to

be separated with a bucket of cold water.

Things soon became a living nightmare,

a lunatic asylum,

Dan convinced himself he was

Beelzebub at the gates of hell,

after spewing up in Marmites hat,

Dan ran off, as you do,

he later told us he was convinced

he was being attacked by bees.

But not just any old bees,

these f*ck were ninja bees!

and so the saga continued.

Gilbert was certain he was an

Eastern European werewolf,

Marmike transformed into a border terrier

and started chasing squirrels in the woods

and as for me I was oblivious to it all,

I was swimming the English f*cking Channel.

It must be lovely having a granddaughter,

what's her name?

Eclipse.

What a pretty name,

little cutie ain't ya.

I've got to say I honestly

think she's the most

beautiful baby I've ever seen.

You said four weeks Ray

it's only been two.

Well my personal financial

circumstances have changed.

I I just haven't got it yet...

please!

I like the hobs, m*rder

to clean though ain't they.

Have you seen someone

with third degree burns?

it's awful not just the pain, the scars,

it's terrible they don't look human.

Ray, I ain't got the money .

Oh well that's a shame

in'it cuz I reckon you

got about 4 minutes before I start

cooking your beautiful granddaughter.

RAY, STOP, I'll get a money right now

just stop, it's in the

bedroom, I'll get it.

No, they can get it.

Right okay Babe

remember what we talked about,

go and get them, go and get it, alright.

Aggie go and take the

baby in the bedroom,

You don't have to threaten me Ray,

I would have paid you the money.

That's the trouble, living

a champagne lifestyle,

on lemonade money, you know

apparently your old man

was a slag for pay out,

It's a shame when kids follow suit.

You don't threaten people's kids.

Ray!

Oh yeah, what are you going to do

with that then?

You come to me and my husband,

that's one thing you b*stard,

but if you mess with my family,

you pushed me too far.

How much is that pal?

150 please mate.

What's he doing here?

Wait here.

NO!

How'd he die?

g*n shot,

three wounds.

Jesus!

Look Don, it looks like an

execution to us mate.

Have you got any idea,

who could have done it?

No.

When can you release the body?

I can't say Sandie it's an ongoing

investigation, I'm sorry.

You give us a moment?

Yeah of course.

Who would do this Don?

It's the f*cking Turks.

In Don's mind, the Turks

had crossed the line,

when they k*lled Ray,

and things took a turn for the worst.

Don sent out his soldiers to do

the Turks some damage,

the whole thing was like some sureal dream,

one minute I was Mr Selfie,

the next I was in the middle of a

f*cking g*ng w*r.

That I started I had nowhere to turn,

it's not like I'm a celebrity,

get me out of here, this is real life.

It was kicking off everywhere, people were

getting hit all over London.

This is f*cked up, they k*lled

Ray because of us man.

we started a f*cking w*r.

What are we going to do?

We just got to stick to the story mate,

just stick to the story and

we'll be all right yeah.

Yes Dan.

Come on...

...lads.

How many your eyes we got on the street?

10 of my crew Don.

I've got six at my best,

You two need to get to the safe house,

you both got targets on your back.

It's all over the Telly Dom.

Yeah, well we lay low for now right.

let the dust settle but

I'm telling all of ya,

you keep your wits about ya,

you stay on your guard right.

We all need to lock it off, we just got

to cover each other's backs.

Lets let them show their hand.

Going somewhere Lotta?

I want a word with you,

get in the f*cking car.

Is that it?

Yes that's it, I've told you everything,

it was an accident,

I promise...

please let me go now!

You want to go?

Yes Mem please let me go.

Let her go.

This gets weirder by the minute,

we found these on top of the body,

message from the mafia sleeping

with the gap joes.

I'm not being Funny, he looks like

Moby d*ck the geezer.

Shouldn't laugh really guv.

So what we got then.

Oh amateurs DNA fingerprints all over

the scene, we're running it now um,

the victim's name is a Mus River

one of the Turk Brothers, big family,

connected with an expl*si*n

in South London,

a couple of fatal shootings.

This looks like a w*r to me guv.

As long as they k*ll themselves

I don't really give a toss,

can you see what the DNA

turns up yeah.

So riffat.

Riffat yeah okay

Fancy a chip?

Drive the f*cking car.

Dan.

Dan? DAN.

What?

I think it's them, I think

they know we're here.

Oh sh*t no it's an icecream van.

f*ck sake mate.

God damn it, it's times like this

you just wish, a quick year to pass,

or pray for something

lucky to happen, like

fall into a coma.

I'm going to f*cking put you in one

Jack if you don't calm down,

seriously mate you're doing me

f*cking 'ead in, stop touching the curtains

the neighbours will

think we're having a sesh.

f*cking phone's ringing.

Who's that?

It's me Mum just shush.

Hello?

Alright son, yeah look something's

come up can you go and get

Jack and come to the yard,

it's pretty important so right away.

Yeah alright love ya.

They're on their way.

Please let me go now.

You want to go

Yes man let her go.

So that was that, game was up, the

curtains come down and I

was well and truly f*cked.

it wasn't long before

Danny's Prints flagged up

and the DNA on

his shoes placed him in the

grave with Mus,

Danny was in deep sh*t,

even as an accessory he

could be facing life.

Remember when I said if it

all goes t*ts up,

you're on your own cast a drift at sea.

Shut up and let me tell you

how this is going to play out.

You want to hear nice things,

warm cuddly things

but I don't have time for that now,

Facts are, they have you bang to rights.

Yeah but...

I don't have time for you to talk either,

just nod okay, nod when you understand,

Good one Fran, give me some.

It didn't take long for Don to find out

out who really k*lled Ray, word got out

Loose lips sink

ships and all that.

Who wants a drink?

f*cking hell!

Danny wasn't going to

take the fall for me.

So I had to own up,

Don made me do a confession tape

saying it was me who did Mus in,

and in return they'd get me

out of the country,

We can't thank you enough

for looking after Danny,

be safe and look after yourself,

we'll be in touch once the dust settles.

Here you go son, don't worry everything's

going to be okay.

Don and Sadie were true to their word,

they set me up with a new identity and

and a lift out to a fishing boat, to take

me across the channel.

So all's well that ends well,

but take a tip from me,

if you are texting someone

for f*ck sake, don't miss the kiss!

Cheers guys, cheers.

I say this is to onward relationships.

Onward relationships.

Onward relationships.

We are ready for

that shipment....