01x03 - Juan De Vacaciones

[bunniefuu]

f*ck off.

Didn't you hear me?

I said f*ck off,
you f*cking f*ck.

Hi.

My name's Vivian. I
live just over there.

Can I ask what your name is?

Look, I've had a
million panic attacks.

Sometimes it helps if you...

I'm not having a panic
attack, you stupid b*tch.

I've been strangled.

Amy, call an ambulance.

Amy, ambulance. Now.

Yep. Yeah.

Is
this your hype track?

Can I ask who did this to you?

Who do
you f*ck' think?

Well, you have to know
this is his problem, okay?

Not yours.

I'm meant to be in
court in an hour.

Are you a lawyer? No, cleaner.

Of course I'm a lawyer.
I'm a f*cking shark.

They sh*t themselves when
I walk into a courtroom.

I built that.

They respect me.

I go in like this,

that's all they'll see.

All of that will be gone.

- That's not true...
- Yes, it will.

They'll start talking
to me like you are now.

Patronising bullshit.

Offer to rep me pro-bono.

I'm not that woman. I'm not.

I'm ashamed. I'm ashamed, okay?

So just f*ck off and let me go.

I'm ashamed.

I f*cked up a long time
ago. I'm still f*cking up.

Is this meant to be inspiring?

It was.

I was letting you
know you're not alone.

Oh!

What are you doing?

Following your lead.

What? We feel
ashamed so we just

f*cking give up, I guess.

Oh, f*ck you, you piece of sh*t.

Are you over? Is
your life over?

It never really started, mate.

You won't.

Why? f*ck off, please.

Why do you get to go and not me?

It's not going to stop me...
Oh, f*ck, you f*cking maniac!

Why?

Because you're gonna
die! You're gonna die,

do you hear me?

Stop.

Stop.

Hey, hey.

Show me.

Show me.

Just me. That's all.

What's your name?

Caitlin.

You still look
like Caitlin to me.

Yeah?

Shh, come on.

Jesus Christ. What?

It's my brother's...

I don't know what he is.

Hey, Vivian, hello.

I'm your PINOP. Neighbours
called emergency services.

The police have already filed
an Apprehended Violence Order.

My, um, he can't come
within a hundred meters.

I own the place.

I already refused aid from
the ambulance at the scene.

Oh. Would you prefer
a female paramedic?

Oh, you're fine.
I mean, yeah, no,

let's just get this done.

Okay, come on.

I am so sorry this
happened to you.

I'll live.

Are you two okay?

I'll see you later.

Heart of a f*cking lion?

What happened to
being my sidekick?

I'm sorry.

I mean, technically,
lions actually have

very small hearts, and
they can't run very fast

and if they do, it's only
for a couple of meters...

So what you're saying is, you
do have the heart of a lion.

Mm.

What time's your twin
flame picking you up?

Um, this afternoon,
I think. After work.

The ashes ceremony.

The ashes ceremony!

It's all right.

She's coming. Is she?

Because she's forgotten
the last four Christmases.

sh*t.

Hey.

Hello!

I'm Amy.

Who's Amy?

Oh, John! Remember, I was
telling you about Amy.

This is the lovely
woman that Vivian saved.

Mm. Mm.

sh*t.

I hate fake plants! f*ck!

May we go in?

Yeah. Sure.

Just, um, have to wait a moment.

Why's that?

Because... there he is!

The guest of honour!

Everyone, this is...

Louis.

Louis.

Vivian's paperboy.

Oh!

Help me.

Yep, that's, ah, that's me.

That girl loves her paper.

Ahh.

And actually wanted
me to tell you

that we have a
refer-a-friend discount

going on at the moment...

We need to go in, thank you.

Can you get that? Oh.

Good, thank you.

If she's set up a crack den,
you should just tell me.

Vivian! Don't be silly!

She's just cleaning.

I mean, masturbating.

Mm-hmm.

Vivian!

Hi!

Hey, Viv. You all right?

Yeah. Sorry.

I was just getting the ashes.

Yeah, I keep them in
the backyard. Louis?

Right.

Okay, Alejandro's on his way.

These need to go in the fridge.

And, um, if we
can all just be...

calm, hmm?

And Vivian and little friend,

if they could put some
clothes on, that'd be great.

We're not just
gonna throw him out?

No, like I said
Alejandro's not here yet.

Oh, Alejandro won't mind.

He'll arrive just in
time for the nibblies,

which is what we're
all here for, anyway.

Hola! Did
someone call emergency?

I'm sorry for being late.

Oh! Oh, it's all right.

Vivian.

Hey, you were
amazing this morning.

This morning? What
happened this...

What... what... what
happened this morning?

Your sister didn't tell you?

Oh, she saved a life.

She went out onto
the ledge and helped

a distressed woman
to my ambulance.

It was a very brave
thing for you to do.

What'd I say, huh?

Oh, that's f*ck' amazing, Viv.

It really was.
Yeah, that's, um,

uh, wow. Yeah.

We should do the ceremony.

Yeah, we should.

Oh, this idea to commemorate
your abuelo, wonderful.

I am honoured to have
been invited to this...

special family
event. Thank you.

Well. Yes,
I'm gonna hurry up.

John brought my special suit.

Gracias, portes d'amour.

Hmm. Sorry.

Hmm.

Come on. The urn.

He was a golfer,

grandfather,

and friend.

He taught me the
importance of family.

He actually met
Laura, my wife, first.

He was the marshal at the
high school running carnival,

and he insisted
that I snap her up.

She, um,

she sends her apologies, today.

She had a work
Zoom with Jeremy...

Just wrap it up, Hendrix!

I love you, Granddad.

Rest easy, buddy.

Love you, Granddad. Bye.

Ah...

You don't want to
say anything, do you?

Actually, yes. Yes, I would.

Thank you. Thank you.

I've been thinking about
the greatest lesson

Walter Cunningham
passed on to me.

Growing up, Granddad
largely left me

to my own devices.

When I fractured my
tibia after slipping

on a pile of my
siblings' dirty laundry,

I drove myself to the hospital.

When the wasp nest in
the attic was taunted

into a frenzy by
Vivian and Hendrix's

secondhand marijuana smoke,

Granddad... yeah?

Accidentally locked
me in the house

with the enraged swarm.

Then came 2013,
the year of my...

university graduation.

I was Dux, I had
topped the Dean's list,

and I'd been voted most likely

to have a nervous
breakdown by my peers,

but I don't emote that
way, so the joke's on them.

I was ready to take
my qualification

and revel in my
achievements with my family.

This moment, I
told myself, was...

when I would know that
the over-the-counter

amphetamines abuse and
the sleep deprivation

was worth it.

So there I stood,

covered with fear-sweat

and heat rash,

and I looked out
into the audience,

only to realise that
Granddad wasn't there.

No one was there.

And yes, I see you all

shocked at this,

and I tell you what, it
was really, really easy

to be angry at Granddad for...

missing out on things.

But then he'd leave
me two Scotch Fingers

next to a cup of tea
every day after school

and when I took up
marathon running

to cure my anxiety,
he used to just...

untie my shoelaces

every morning
before I came down,

just to help me get ready.

Um, I guess what I'm
trying to say is that

Walter Cunningham

taught me how to love
in the little ways,

when big ways are
hard for some people.

And for that,

I'm truly grateful.

And I'm really gonna miss him.

He always...

He always...

He always...

f*ck! John!

John!

- John!
- You should probably go.

Yeah, I agree.

Yeah.

John!

John,
what are you doing?

You tell them what
I'm doing, Vivian.

You tell them what I'm doing!

I don't... I don't know...

Drink it. What the f*ck!

Go on, drink it.

Querido, your grief, it is...

Chocolate mix.

It's f*cking hot chocolate mix.

She... she's replaced
our grandfather's ashes

with chocolate mix.

Perhaps my English is not...

No, no, no, no,
no. You heard correctly.

She... she opened this
jar and she scooped it

into his urn. Drink it.

It's not... It's not? Oh.

Oh!

Oh!

Oh. My love, that was dairy.

Okay, I bulked it up
with hot chocolate mix,

but there was still a little bit
of Granddad stuck to the edge.

John, I'm sorry...

Get out!

I just wanted today to go well.

So you threw him out beforehand?

It was an accident.

There was this old
lady, Beatrice.

We'd had weed.
We were gonna...

You were high.

It was Granddad's!

He wanted us to!

You are f*cked.

This whole ceremony
was your idea.

No, it wasn't. It was yours!

Hendrix.

For a split second,

I believed this bullshit.

I actually thought
that you'd changed.

John, I said it was an accident!

An accident?

You.

It's always you.

It's always your fault!

I'm gonna sue you.

What?

I've had enough.

I'm gonna sue you

for burning down my truck.

It was a beautiful ceremony.

Until the screaming.

Viv.

Hey. Don't.

What happened to the new you?

You heard him.

She doesn't exist.

Do you know how my day started?

Traumatising.

And it actually got worse.

So I'd like to forget, thanks.

Vendrix?

No, no no. No,
I've gotta go home.

Vendrix.
I have to see Laura.

I haven't seen her in weeks.

And I can't do designated
friend tonight.

Amy.

Hey. George!

God, it's
good to see you.

I need to stay.

Oh. Okay.

Why?

Ah, for a drink.

Vivian needs a
designated friend.

A designated what?

Oh, it's the sucker who
looks after the people

with alcohol poisoning.

Viv, I think you
should take it easy.

There was a hot
chocolate mix incident.

Don't ask.

I'll have what
you're having, Viv.

Okay, why don't I
make you a c*ck, Amy?

Everyone. I am a master.

All right. It's a
party. Farewell drinks.

Oh no, I can't do a party.

What would the animal say?

Hang on, what?

At school, everyone called
him The Animal because...

Because he has kind
eyes, like one.

No, no, no, no,

because I used to
party hard like it...

Not anymore, apparently.

Ah. Wife got
you locked down? Kids?

No, no, no, no, no. I...

I badgered her for kids.
For years, actually.

And, um, one of the kids
hates the babysitter,

so I'd better...

Vendrix...

needs both Vivian and Hendrix.

Hendrix.

Please.

You guys are related, right?

Yeah.

Oh, brothers and sisters
can have party couple names.

Sure. Come on, man.

Stay for one drink.

I'm on a juice fast.

Gin's a fruit.

Bro.

Let's not let this
get out of hand.

Hey!

Vendrix means no texting
b*tches, remember?

For the last time, don't
call Laura a b*tch.

And I'm trying to text
her so that I can tell her

that I'm thinking about her.

You won state champs?

Oh, yeah!

How many years ago?

Oh, yeah. That's nothing.

See, ah, see this one here?

So I had a dislocated shoulder.

I was trapped
underneath the boat.

I was technically dead
for thirty seconds.

- Amazing!
- Yeah.

The concussion made him
a cheap drunk for weeks.

How did you and
Amy get together?

Oh, she worked in the
clothing store near my office.

I saw her and
bought a shirt a day

until she agreed
to go out with me.

Oh, wow. That's so romantic.

Yeah, we've been
smitten ever since. Twin flames.

Then she left him at the altar.

- Viv!
- Sorry, it's just true.

It's okay. Yeah, it is.

But Amy is a free spirit.

I'll have her
however she wants me.

Wedding or no wedding.

Doesn't matter to me.

Lovely.

So, what do you do?

Have you heard of The Well?

Yeah, the app?

Yeah, I've got it on my phone.

Yeah, I run it.
But it was Amy's idea.

What?

You never told me that.

You said you were
a shop assistant.

What?

She came up with
all the features.

I could not have
done it without her.

- She is a genius.
- What is it?

The Well finds all
the wellness classes

in your area, and rates them.

But the twist is,
it's tailored for men.

I mean, why should we miss out

on all the
alternative therapies?

It's empowering.

I'm so glad you're
empowering men.

It sounds like really
important work.

Thank you. It's
our little dream.

I've got it.

What's up?

What do you mean?

Well you're not
talking incessantly.

Oh, I'm having fun.

Vendrix!

Anyone for some of
Walt's peach schnapps?

Oh, God,
no. No for me.

Do you want
some schnapps, George?

Why not?

Never Have I Ever. Oh!

What, the kids' game?

Amy? Yes, I love that idea!

Whoa! No, come on. Hendrix?

Nah, it's a stupid game, Viv.

See?

You used to love
Never Have I Ever.

Nope, nope, it's a
stupid kids' game.

Yep. You need to catch up.

I don't need a game to drink

and I don't think
this one does, either.

- Oh, shhh.

Oh, were you expecting someone?

Robber. Hopefully.

Liven things up a bit.

Hi.

PT? Ooh, must be.

I, ah, can go.

What are you wearing?

It's for training.

Ooh, you were right!

For suicide prevention.

You've never worn that before.

Ah, well, it's the evening.

These are my evening clothes.

Very cute.

Well, I can see you forgot we
had a session, which is fine.

Um, we can reschedule...

No! No, no, no, no, no, stay.

The mood's f*cking dead,
and I'd pay good money

to see you play
Never Have I Ever.

John!

I can't believe you left me!

I had to walk,

and I was cat-called
by four rude women.

John, are you here?

John.

My shoes!

These shoes are faux-leather.

They don't hold up
to long walking.

You will be buying
me new ones. John!

Never Have I Ever
assaulted a bouncer.

Did you win?

Obviously. Oh, my God.

Never
Have I Ever woken up

to a severed finger in my bag.

Whose was it?

No f*cking idea.

Oh.

The mysterious
nine-fingered man!

Wait.

Never Have I Ever
chased a police horse

down in bare feet.

Wait, seriously?

Ah, George.

Never Have I Ever
been called George.

Ah, I've had enough.

Bullshit.
You're not even playing.

- Seriously, I'm good.
- You're not that drunk.

I don't think you've even
finished your first drink.

You're crazy.

Yeah, you're crazy, Viv.

And you're trashed,
Hendrix. Go on, George.

All right, I'm in.

Never Have I Ever had a
hot chocolate mix incident.

Oh!

What? What is that?

No idea. What is it?

She replaced our
Granddad's ashes

with hot chocolate powder.

Jesus Christ!

- Classic Viv.
- Really, that is classic Viv?

Ever
since we were kids.

This is why we can't
have nice things.

It's hilarious.

f*ck disaster.

Never the designated friend Viv.

Never the
designated friend!

Right, who's next?

Me, me,
me, me, me, me, me!

Nah, I think you've
had enough, big boy.

No, no, no, one more.

I promise, it's a good
one. Okay, everyone listen.

Never Have I Ever had sex
with more than one person.

Hey, man, I
thought you were The Animal.

- Oh, even as The Animal...
- Wait up.

You've only had sex
with one person?

- Um, no, I...
- What do you mean?

I... I... I...

The question means
you're supposed to drink

if you've had sex with
more than one person.

- No, I haven't...
- But you just said

you haven't had sex
with just one person.

- I...
- Oh, my God.

Are you saying
you're a virgin...

Oh, Dane,

you didn't understand
the question.

Oh, he thought it was,
'Never Have I Ever had sex

with more than one
person at once.

- Oh!
- Yeah.

Ooh, I haven't had
a threesome, either.

Yeah. I mean, this guy f*ck.

Yeah, I'm actually surprised
you haven't had a threesome.

Oh, I bet he's
just being modest.

I mean, look at
those cheekbones.

Insane Dane.

I gotta piss. That was fun.

Hey, big daddy!

Breathe.

- Hey...
- Argh!

- You all right?
- Yeah, of course.

I f*ck all the time.

Like too much, almost.

Right. But it
wouldn't matter...

Insane Dane!

Oh, my God. Hendrix,
look at this rig.

Us uggos don't stand a chance.

- I'm glad you're here...
- Yeah, right. I have to...

George.

Yeah?

I think you need to be more
careful with people sometimes.

Sometimes I think you hurt
feelings without meaning to.

Christ.

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, babe.

I just... I don't know what
the f*ck is going on here.

Oww!

Oh, it's a splinter.

It's just you say
you wanna marry me,

and then you run away.

And then you say
you wanna try again

and it's like you don't
even want me here.

I'm just trying to keep
my head above water

in this absurd situation.

Who is that girl?

Vivian?

Is she okay?

Yeah, she's fine.

A brolga led me to her,
who actually turned out

to be her grandfather.

It's been a confusing
few days, George.

I've been doing some reading.

About twin flames.

And this book, it says
it can be hard at first,

because we mirror each other.

Look, I know wedding
prep was stressful

and I know how sensitive
you are to that, my love.

But we can't give up
at the first hurdle.

I mean, this is what this is.

It's me and you,
working it out together.

Hey, these past few days,

without you, I mean, that...

That house without you.

Really? It's like an ice box.

And your wind chimes
are all tangled.

Are they?

You're my one, Amy.

I know that now.

I will wait...

as long as it takes.

Hey.

George.

What do we think?

Hey! Hey, hey, hey!

Whoa! What the f*ck?

He's right. I am an uggo.

What? Look at him.

And Dane. I mean,
especially Dane.

I mean, he's so hot, in
this totally unassuming way.

No, he's not.

Where's this going?

Laura's not attracted
to me anymore.

Bullshit! No, it's true.

No, she's never coming home

and she's always
going on about this

German interior designer that
she's collaborating with.

I mean, what... what... What
does "collaborating" mean?

Probably collaborating.

You guys have been together
since you were sixteen.

It's totally normal to have
less sex than back then.

No, no, everything was
fine until last year.

Now she can't even look at me.

Something happens to your
body when you have kids, Viv.

It's not your own anymore.

I've let myself go.

- My hair's falling out...
- No, it's not.

- Yes, it is.
- Oh, sh*t.

All I see is sexy.

Always thought Mum would be here
to talk about stuff like this.

I just wanna talk to Mum.

Hey, hey.

It's fine.

Hey. I'm going to
get another drink.

Hey.

You still have the
Cunningham a*s.

Yeah. But...

Look.

You just grab her and f*ck her.

Don't get caught up in
stupid conversations.

That sounds a bit rapey.

No!

Listen...

f*ck is an
attitude, yeah?

You are so f*ck.

Maybe we are weird. Mm.

f*ck it. Vendrix.

As a coping mechanism
after the accident,

Vendrix definitely had
its drawbacks, Viv.

I mean, I can't remember
about thirty percent

of my adolescence, and I've
got this weird tendon strain

from fingering too many girls.

My family's everything
I've ever wanted.

I don't want to
black out from them.

Wait up,
wait up, wait up. Amy.

Come on.

That's so beautiful.

No. f*ck! No!

That is not the vibe.
That is not Vendrix.

You know what is?

Oh, sh*t!

Yes, yes, yes!

- Wait!
- sl*t drop!

Oh, my God!

Argh!

Wrap it in cardboard first.

What are you doing?

- Hey, are you all right?
- Go away.

Why are you speaking weird?

Because if I talk
normally, I will be sick.

Leave me alone.

Dane, if it's gonna
come, it's gonna come.

Yeah, I don't subscribe to
that kind of insane fatalism.

I am in...

control.

Go away.

Dane, everyone has a few
public vomits in their life.

No, I have only
vomited once in my life

and it was controlled,
deliberate, lesser of two evils.

What was the greater evil?

Gastro.

I had to choose an
end and I chose mouth.

That's not true.

- There's no choice with gastro.
- No.

- It just comes out...
- There is.

You can control it
all out of your mouth.

No diarrhea.

None. And people don't
know it, but it's true.

Okay.

What's the worst that
happens if it comes out?

Humiliation. Pain.

What are you do...

What are you do...
What are you do...

- Stop!

- Oh! Stop!

See?

Not so bad.

That was, um...

I don't know.

Come on.

No.

No. Dane.

No. Dane!

No. No, leave me by the bins.

Fine! Fine.

Jesus, you weirdo.

Just come back in
once you're done.

Viv.

That George guy.

- Narcissist...
- c**t.

Ohh!

sh*t.

- Hey.
- Hey.

I just wanted to say thank you.

For? Taking care of Amy.

I know she can be a bit much.

What do you mean?

The whole twin flames
talking birds bullshit.

I mean, I love it
because I love her,

but yeah, I know
it can be a lot.

Right.

Anyway, ah, I'm
gonna take her home.

- She's having a lay down, so...
- George.

Yeah?

You can't bullshit
a bullshitter.

What?

You've been pretending to
drink this whole night.

That's f*cking weird.

And all this unironic
alpha bullshit?

No, I haven't. Go home.

f*ck off.

I'm the alpha.

Get... the f*ck... out.

Now.

Hey.

Hola, hola.

Um, how did you find me?

I searched every Kebab
Kastle in Sydney.

There are a lot, hmm?

Hmm.

How did you know that I...

Because
you always come home

smelling of meat on a stick
when you are stressed.

I don't understand.

I don't under...
understand why you're here.

What exactly do you
think is happening, John?

You're leaving me.

I'm giving you time to leave me.

Why?

Because I'm not... Because
I'm not Holiday John.

I'm not that guy.

I'm the guy who drinks
his grandfather's ashes

and who sues his sister, and...

Ale, I'm so ugly
inside, and you...

Who is this Holiday John?

It... it's me. On holiday.

Being cool and fun and...

And sexy.

But I can't be him all the time.

Yeah, but I know this.

I know you are not
Juan de Vacaciones.

Whoo! Please.

- What?
- The first time we met

you were having a panic attack.

I'm here because
we are partners.

And I love all the parts of you.

Even the parts that
are not on holiday.

What is so confusing for you?

No one chooses me.

I'm not the priority.

I'm never the priority.

And that's fine 'cause
that's how I made it...

Hey, listen.

You are my priority.

No, no, there's meat juice...

on everything.

You want to talk about
what happened today?

It was crazy.

I... I can't talk
about my sister.

Not yet.

I'm sorry. There.

No.

Sorry, I'm going.

You can stay.

What?

You can stay.

You don't have to go with him.

He never hit me.

I'm not like Caitlin.

It's really hard to...

Sometimes I think
he's right about me.

I love you.

That's a really f*cking
weird thing to say right now.

It's okay.

Hey.

Here.

Mum.

Do you think John's
really gonna sue me?

You.

What?

Designated friend.