01x03 - Liquid Gold

[bunniefuu]

- I want to go downstairs!
- Is that a man's voice?

- My Gary's out there.
He's never let me down.

- Those are solid noughts.

- I know what you did.
- You saw?

- So did Barney.

That was his last bonk-on before
we had to put him to sleep.

- Given the state that she's in,

there's only one course
of action to save her.

- Horror!

- We need to take the leg off.

I told you this
walkie-talkie is too big.

Elmo's nose is
bruising my G-spot.

- Stay where you are!

- They've got g*ns!
They're soldiers!

- We're saved! Girl power!

- Get down on the ground now!

- Hey, guys? Come on, no,
we're not the bad guys.

We're the victims!
- On the ground!

- Do as she says.

I'll be having words with your
commanding officer about this.

- Nezzy, get down, babes!

- No, thanks... babes.

- Right, arms up!

Come on, over your head!
Like a diamond press.

- When did the army
start doing yoga?

- Oh, it's not yoga
- it's pilates.

They're not soldiers, they're
pilates instructors...

..like me.

- Welcome back,
Chloe. Great work.

First go on the vag*na steamer.

- I told you she was lying.
Believe Shelly, guys!

- I should've twigged when she
pulled a Muppet out of her fanny.

- She pulled a Muppet
out of her fanny?

Veena! Report that sh*t.
- I thought I was hallucinating. Lesson learnt.

I'm laying off
the hallucinogens.

- God, those shoes!

- My toes are so free.

- Now, hand over the man and this
doesn't have to go any further.

- What man? You need
to catch up, love.

All the fellas have carked it.

- Yeah, I am well aware of that.

Yet Chloe here saw you
chasing a man in the woods.

- He was wearing gold hot pants.
- Mm.

- BERN GUFFAWS

Gold hot pants?!
She's seeing things.

The mind plays tricks
when it's craving d*ck.

- I am not craving d*ck!

- Last night I saw Paul Hollywood
butt-naked and covered in flour.

Doesn't mean it's real, though.

- I saw a man! You
were chasing him!

- And he's a precious resource
which needs proper care,

which you're clearly
not providing.

- No, our care is exemplary! We
empty his piss pot twice a day!

- Ah! And the truth is out. Now
cut the crap and hand him over.

- No chance.

Possession is nine
tenths of the law.

And it's my rad he's chained to.

- Chained?! What
is wrong with you?!

- Give us the keys.

- Hey, don't you...
Don't you dare.

- Go on, Bern!
- No!

- Go, Mum!

She'll never get them down.

- She will. Bern can
take a bao bun in one go.

- Cough! Cough them up.

Cough them up!

- BERN GROANS

These aren't coming
out for 48 hours.

My guts are glacial.

- I'll tase you!

- I've had shingles
thrice, love.

A tasing won't touch the sides.

- Oh...

But your little princess,

she won't like it, will she?

- No, Mum, don't
let them tase me.

- Oh, all right.

Anything for you, princess.

SHE RETCHES

- Argh!

Argh! She's broke my metatarsal!

- Should have worn
proper shoes, love.

Let's have 'em!

THEY ROAR

Nun-chucks don't scare me.

They're ten-a-penny
down Wetherspoons!

- I'm going to rip that ponytail
off and shove it up your arse!

- Don't piss yourself! The
current'll travel to your fanny.

And that's not pleasant
unless you're used to it.

- The d*ck slayer!

- No-one tasers my bridesmaid!
- I was aiming at you.

- I'll slice your areolas!

- Argh!

- Tactical retreat!

- Get bent, you
vag*na-steaming cow!

- Yeah, you run!
Get your steps in!

Nice piece.

- Just a little something
I've been working on.

- You all right, babe?

Shell took the tasing for me!
- I did.

- Oh, thanks, babe. I can't
take pain the way you can.

You're like an old shire
horse or something.

- That's me, Shire Horse Shelly,
looking out for her buddy!

- You OK to walk?

- Yeah, I reckon.

Now the searing agony's
passed, I feel fine.

- There you go. Best
maid of honour ever.

- ♪ When you're alone and
live is making you lonely

♪ You can always go downtown

♪ When you've got worries... ♪

- Gary! Gary!

Gary, come here. Gary,
put the jetwash down.

- Seriously, Shell, it's a big
gig for me, I can't slack off.

- Get over here!
- If I do a good job, she'll put me on the back decking.

That's the big time!
- Now!

- OK. Fine, I shall
exit the workplace.

What?
- We cannot tell Zara what we did last night.

- Last night?
- In the playhouse.

- sh*t! You noshed me off!

- Sh!
- I totally blanked! sh*t!

- If Zara finds out, we're dead.
- Mm...

I'm going to have to
correct you there, Shell,

because Zara has said on record
that she'd be up for a threesome.

- It's not a threesome
if she's not there!

- You sure about that?
- 100%!

- sh*t!

Well, what are we going to do, Shell? sh*t!
- I don't know.

- Are you with DPD?

I'm expecting a parcel.

- Have you got the lady's parcel, Shell?
- No!

- She says she hasn't got it.

I can't lose this
job, Shell, seriously.

- You're not going to lose the job,
Gary. She just wants her parcel.

- OK, yeah.

Right, meet me in the van.

I'll go smooth things over
with the big boss lady, yeah?

It's all right.

Hey, Gary Whatmuff here.

I'm just stepping away for a
minute to speak with, erm...

..an associate.

Rest assured that this will not
impact on the power washing, OK?

- Typical posh tarts. Promising an
amputation to steal our stripper.

Seen it a thousand times.

- Maybe Nezzy was talking
sh*t about Jen's leg.

- No. It's got to come
off. Gangrene don't lie.

- This should do the job.

- We're doing it now?!

- No, we're amping up security.

Those b*tches know
where we live.

- Here, that slapper's
backpack. The spoils of w*r.

We'll circle back to Jen later.

Hang on in there, Jen!
- You've got this, babe. - Stay strong.

- Let's see what that
Paltrow-wannabe's packing.

Oh! This any good, Veens?

- Hmm, pricey.
£69.99 I do that for.

Plus corkage.

People are mad into
that snail gel stuff.

- Do you want this, babe?
Compensation for your suffering.

- Thanks, Zar!

- What's this?

- It's a manual charger. I
took one to Bestival that time.

Gary bartered it for a
jerry can of scrumpy.

- I can bring my baby back.

Hello, gorgeous.

- ♪ Today this could be the
greatest day of our lives

♪ Before it all ends

♪ Before we run out of time

♪ Stay close to me... ♪

Ooh, that Yale's
poking my gullet.

Very instructive, that dust-up.

It is one big fanny
festival out there.

- Looks that way.

- Yet fortune's smiled upon us.

Somehow, Drew survived this
man-eating cluster f*ck.

- I've been thinking about that.

Either he's immune, or baby
oil has a protective effect.

Either way, he's a jammy sod.

- No, Veena, he's
an opportunity.

In a dickless world,
what do women want?

- A rampant rabbit and
a Sunblest bag of skunk.

- No, Veens, think bigger. Without
men, humanity will go extinct.

We've got a living sperm
bank cuffed to our plumbing.

What were those
slender b*tches after?

What is Shelly
grifting for off Drew?

- A cup of jizz.

- Exactly.

And desperate women
are a lucrative market.

- True. My knock-off
Botox sideline

put my sisters through
catering college.

- Oh, sod catering college.

I'm talking global domination.

The Amazon of spunk!

- Jizz Bezos.

- Too right.

And we have got a ready
supply of a unique commodity.

- It's a bit unholy, Bern.

- No! We'd be saving the human
race, while making a tidy profit.

It's a win-win.

- What happens when word
gets out about Golden ba*ls?

- We want word to get
out. That's marketing!

- We fought off a few
jumped-up gym bunnies,

but what about if there are bigger,
badder girls out there, Bern?

Gaffer's good but
it won't stand up

against a post-apocalyptic
warrior queen.

- Then we'll go home.

We will round up
everyone we trust

and we'll build a fortress.

- No chance. Zar won't
leave without Gary.

- Oh, I'll deal with Zar.
Now, what else you got?

- The w*r Hog needs petrol.
- Yeah.

- And spikey sh*t on her
chassis, in case we hit zombies.

- I'll leave that with you.

SHE SPITS Join me in
Operation Liquid Gold.

- No!
- What the bloody hell's that?

- MUFFLED SHOUTING

- What the hell was that?
- It's Drew!

DREW: - Why?!

- What's the latest
with the keys, Bern?

- Ooh. I'm going
to need an assist.

- Coffee and a rollie.
That'll get you moving.

- DREW: - WHY?!

- Will someone shut
up Tragic Mike?

We're supposed to be
keeping a low profile.

- You do it, Shelly.

- No. No, that's OK.

You go, you go, Zar.
It's your turn anyway.

- No, you do it, Shell. Little
treat for you. You've earnt it.

- It's no biggie, Zar, really.

- Here. Till we get those keys out of Bern.
- What...

What am I supposed
to do with this?

- You'll figure it out.

- DREW SOBBING

- Chop, chop, Shell.

- Ah!

- Wait, Shell!

Can't have you reeking
of sick, can we?

- Thanks, Zar.

- One plasterer's breakfast.

- DREW SHOUTS

DREW SCREAMS

- Stop cranking a second,
princess. Mummy wants a word.

- DREW SCREAMS

- Who's going to spot me in the gym?!
- DREW SOBS

Rough day?

SOBBING STOPS

Yeah, me too.

- Can you just give
me my food and go?

- No can do. Er... wee
problemo with the keys.

But, er, don't worry,
I've got a workaround!

- What am I supposed
to do with that?!

- Put it in your cup.
Sorry it's not owl.

Couldn't work out how to
get that under the door.

Maybe I could spatchcock...
- Can you just get on with it?

- Something wrong, buddy?

- I don't want to talk about it.

- Aw, mate.

I feel like there's
a wall between us.

What's the matter?

- Are you joking? I'm the
last man alive, Shelly!

I'm the last man alive.

- Oh, right. Yeah,
that. No, I get it.

- No! You don't get it!
Because you're not a man!

- You're right. You need to talk to a man, don't you?
- Yeah.

And they're all dead!

- Or are they?

IN A DEEP VOICE:
Hi, I'm She... bert.

I'm Shelbert. Let's talk.

- Please don't do this.
- Do what, bro?

- You're not a man, Shelly!
- Come on! Let me help! I can be a man!

I played Danny Zuko in our
school production of Grease.

Zar was Sandy...
- I know!

I've already heard this story!

And most of the musical numbers!

- IN A DEEP VOICE: I hear
you, bro. That Shelly,

she's always wittering on.

Probably just daddy
issues. Am I right?

- I am begging you to stop.
- Funny. That's what Shelly's dad would say

when she tried to talk about her feelings.
- No more Shelbert!

- OK. All right. He's gone.

All right. Well...
this will cheer you up.

Erm, hose soup on its way!

Oh.

Er...

Just got a bit of... bit
of a chunk blockage. Oh.

Erm, but don't worry,

I'm just going to wedge it down
with, with... with my finger.

DREW GROANS

Getting any of that?

Oh, let me just...

- We sell to every woman of
child-bearing age in the country.

- Possibly the world, if we
can sort out the cold storage.

- It's the ultimate
seller's market.

So what do you reckon?

- OK. I'm in.

- Yeah?
- I get it. It's Armageddon. You've got to have a side hustle.

- Woo!

Ah! I knew I had
raised you right. Mwah!

- When we do we start?

- As soon as we get home.
Leave first thing tomorrow?

- No, we can't
leave without Gary!

- To be fair, princess,
Congleton's not that far.

He should be here by now.

- He's coming, Mum. I know it.

- I mean, we're on a
tight deadline here.

The c*ck vultures are circling.

- Just... give me to the day
of the wedding! Please, Mummy.

Please?

Please.

I'm your princess.
- All right!

He's got until Friday.

- Thanks, Mum! I love you.

- If we're taking Drew, we'll need
something to transport him in.

I'll get on that.

- FYI, big patch of cream
of mushroom on the landing.

I put a Steig Larsson over
it as a stepping stone.

- Can we tell her about the sploodge?
- BERN GROANS

What about the sploodge?

- But we're saving
the world, Shell!

- Using Drew as a spunk tap?
That's... that's not OK!

What about his human rights?

- Oh, it'll all be above board. You
can charge more if it's ethical.

- CAGE CLATTERS

- Transport's sorted.

Suspension's sh*t
but it's secure.

- Guys, no, seriously. He's
not in a good place right now.

We can't put him in that!

- We'll do it up! A bit of spray paint and a
voile curtain will make all the difference.

- It's still a cage, though,
Zar. This isn't right!

- You're worried he'll fall in
love with a customer, aren't you?

But it's just business, Shell.

- Yeah.

It's not like anyone will be
noshing him off in there, is it?

- I got into the sponge game for
a bit. There's no money in it.

The whole sponge
system's rigged!

- Just concentrate, Gary!
We've done a terrible thing.

- You're right. Should we tell her?
- No!

No. It'll break her heart.

She's been so good to me.

When I first started at
Stalbridge, I spent an entire day

with my head in the toilet.
- That's mental. Why did you do that?

- I obviously didn't want to!

The nasty b*tches in Year
10 said I needed a wash.

I was Smelly Shelly,
don't you remember?

- That was you?!

- GARY LAUGHS

- I thought there must have
been another Shelly who minged.

- No, it was me. But
Zar stopped all that

when she threw a fire
extinguisher at Lucy Bates.

- God! That was epic!

I had a b*ner that whole day.

- I only had one school shirt.

By Friday I was ripe.

But Zar didn't care.

She would spray me with Britney
Spears' Curious and crack on.

And look how I've repaid her.

- Sucked me off on her
birthday. That's cold.

- Oh, God.

Why didn't you just propose?
That would've solved everything.

- I wanted to, but
Zar wants a diamond

and my nan said I can't have
hers till she's in the ground.

- Then think of something else!

- I'm not k*lling my nan, Shell!

- I mean get another diamond!

- That's why I'm power washing,
so I can buy my Zar a diamond

and pay off this
bloody sponge loan.

- That's... That's really sweet.

- Yeah. Well, doesn't
matter now, does it?

She's not talking to me.

Went round there and she
came at me in the Picanto.

- That's just her way.
She'll forgive you.

We can never tell her
about what we did.

She will never forgive that.

- I'll take it to the grave.
- Me too.

- Er... It... It was top drawer.

Just so you know. The noshing.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- Really? Cos I've just, I've never
really known what men like RE: that.

- No, you've got the knack.
- I have? - Yeah.

Yeah, it was bang-on, Shell.

- THEY COUGH

- No-one can be
sad in a gold cage.

- I guess.

- I'll put a mirror in.
Like my nan's budgie had.

You know, stop him
getting lonely.

- I just... I just hate, hate using
people, Zar. It feels horrible.

- sh*t! Shell!

- PHONE RINGTONE

Any messages?
- There's no signal.

Must all still be down.

Got my pictures, though.

- Bern wants us all in the kitchen.
- There in a minute, Veens.

Gary's always
sending stupid stuff.

This is from Christmas.

He put the elf on a shelf on
his d*ck. Do you want to see?

- Nah, thanks, you're all right.
Some things should just stay private.

No, Gary! Not again!

- Look, if we're taking the
noshing off to our grave,

why not this as
well? Like a BOGOF?

- Zar's diamond better be huge, Gary.
- No, it will. It will.

That's a Gary guarantee.

Sorry, I just need
to... send a voice note.

As per what I shouted
through your flap earlier,

my meeting's running over
by about half an hour,

so I'll come back to the drive
after lunch. Best regards, Gary.

Yeah? - Yeah.
- Great!

- We're going to
play a little game.

A spoonful of sugar to help the dismemberment go down.
- Jesus!

Now?!
- Well, Jen's leg has to come off and there's no time like the present.

Whoever gets the
short d*ck, is it.

- That's a sh*t game!
- This isn't Spoonful Of Sugar, Bern!

You've seriously
misunderstood that concept.

- She's right, Bern. This
is not the way of Poppins.

- Yeah, well, it needs to be
done. So the Bentos will decide.

We'll go in age
order. Mummy first.

I always was good at
finding a lengthy shlong.

Veens, you're up.

- Oh, thank God.

Ooh, it's meaty.
- Zar?

- I'm two months older than Zara!
- Bride's privilege.

- But...
- Pick a d*ck, princess.

- I feel bad, Shell, but I really,
really don't want it to be me.

- Don't worry, Zar. You grab that
wang. We all know it'll be me.

- Thanks, babe.

No!

- Unexpected.

- I don't have to do
it though. Right, Mum?

- The way I see it, princess, I've
already done you one favour today.

And the steak and onion has spoken.
- No, Mum!

No! I can't!
- Running a post-apocalyptic jizz business

will not be a walk in the park.
You need to toughen up, Zar.

- No, please, Mummy!
- I'll do it.

- What's that, Shell?

- I'll do it.

WHISPERS: - Oh, thank f*ck.

- Zara can't be cutting
her cousin's leg off.

You'll never hear the
end of it at Christmas.

- But you've already taken
a tasing for me, babe.

- Yeah.

Well...

..Shire Horse Shelly, right?

- You're the best! I love you!

- Choose your weapon, Shelly.

- Oh, God.

- Veena, get a blanket, to pin
Jen down. I'll get the antiseptic.

- Erm... what do you reckon?

- Carving knife?

- Yeah. Carv... carving
knife's a classic.

Can't go wrong with
a carving knife.

- You're saving
her. Remember that.

- I've never cut anything
off anyone before.

I can barely even peel a spud!

- Jen's special blanket.

- Great. Wrap her tight so she
can't struggle. Like worming a cat.

Shell, hands up. I'll swab you.

- OK.

- That's it. We'll save the
TCP for the stump. Come on!

- W-Wait! My lucky
clover! I need...

- Is this the one I gave you?
- Yeah.

- Aw, babes.

Your t*ts ain't sh*t, babe!

- Er... Do you, erm... Do
you want to come in, Zar?

- I can't stop. Mum's taking me
down Spearmint Rhino's for a steak.

You know, cheer me
up after yesterday.

Just wanted to give you this.

I've had it ages. Don't know how
much is on there, might be loads.

Might be nothing.

- Thanks.

- It's to say sorry.

Look, I know I'm a cow sometimes.
I'm just wound up about Gary.

- No, it's fine. It's no biggie.

- Just cos he's being a twat,
I can't take it out on you.

Are we still mates?
- Of course! Yeah, yeah. - Good.

When Gary gets his arse in gear,
I want YOU as maid of honour.

- Love to. Trust me...

his arse is going to
be in gear any day now.

- It better be. Look,
I've got to run.

That's a mint tit.

Nice jizz stain there, Shell.

- Oh, no. Er, no, it's not jizz!

It's just, it's glue
from craft at school.

- Ha! I know jizz when I see it.
Dark horse! Who's the lucky fella?

- No, it really is glue, Zar!
- Good for you! You get yours!

Remember when we were 12 and I got that tampon stuck inside me?
- Yeah.

- You were so gentle with
those barbecue tongs.

You've got this.

- CHANTS: - Shelly! Shelly!

Shelly! Shelly!

- BOTH: - Shelly! Shelly!

- Shelly! Shelly! Shelly!

Shelly! Shelly!

Shelly!

- Jen, love. Got a
surprise for you...

That's got those keys moving.