01x04 - Feel the Bern

[bunniefuu]

Arms up!
- They're Pilates instructors - like me.

- I told you she was lying.
- We've got a living sperm bank

cuffed to our plumbing.

- I want to be set free.
- I'm talking the Amazon of spunk!

- When do we start?
- Leave first thing tomorrow?

- We can't leave without Gary.

- We cannot tell Zara
what we did last night.

- Nice jizz stain there, Shell.

- No, it's not jizz - it's
glue from craft at school.

- Jesus! Now?

- Jen's leg has to come off and
there's no time like the present.

Jen, love, got a
surprise for you.

- ALL SHOUT: Jen!

Jen!

- Jen!
- Jen!

- Jen!

What the f*ck's that?

- Jen!

"Run off with Danny Dyer."
What's she on about?

- Must be the gangrene talking.
- Poor Jen.

I'll miss her. She
always had tissues.

- She was cracking on bin day.

She always had my wheelies out the
front on the dot of seven every Friday.

- We could search
up the hill again.

- Nah. She's made her choice.

I've got my get-out-of-jail-free
card to keep her mother off my back.

- In that case...

- FYI, Shelly, you owe
me a dismemberment.

- Still heading home tomorrow, Bern?
- You bet your arse.

Operation Liquid Gold
waits for no man.

- Except for Gary.
We're waiting for Gary.

- Course we are, princess.
- He's alive and he's coming to get me.

- Yeah, you bet he is.
- Yeah, 100% not dead.

- We'll crack on with
that petrol mission, then.

Shell, you're up. We need a full tank
if we want to make it to Birmingham.

I'll get my gear.
- Veens, got anything I can wax my legs with?

I want to be totally
hairless for Gary tomorrow.

- Help yourself to my kit. I've got loads of gaffer tape in here.
- Thanks.

- It's strong stuff, mind. I've
secured guttering with that.

Do not use it on your fanny.
- Zar, give me a hand.

I'd better burn Jen's mattress,
before the rats get at it.

- Be right there, Mum.

See you tomorrow, my prince.

- Shell, bring a scrubbing brush,
for the pus stains on the floor.

- Shelly! It's
me, Gary Whatmuff.

Come and open the door!
- QUIETLY: What?!

What are you doing?! You
should be proposing to Zara.

- I want to talk to you.
- We talked more than enough yesterday.

- But it's big! And, no, I'm
not talking about my d*ck.

- I don't care. Go away.
- Agh, my tongue! - Well you shouldn't be

putting it through my flap, then, should you?
- Shelly, please!

It's important!
- Go away, Gary!

I can still hear you breathing.
- All right, OK.

- PHONE BUZZES

Zar.
- Shell, get over here!

- Oh, God! I'm sure
this bra's shrunk.

You know, it isn't right
- how we're treating Zara.

You know Gary's
dead and so do I.

We shouldn't let her go on believing all this time.
- Zar doesn't deal

with disappointment well. She set a
skip on fire when Busted split up.

- Exactly! What are we going
to do when he doesn't show up?

- We'll cross that bridge
when we come to it.

- This is the bridge! We're on it!
We should have told her weeks ago.

We've been gaslighting her.
And gaslighting is bad!

- We've gaslighted her?
- You're right, it was mainly Bern. - Nah, mate.

It was mainly you. You've been gaslighter in chief.
- What? No, I haven't!

- Who plotted Gary's route from the zorbing centre with her?
- I was... - Working out

which service stations he'd stop
at for a Peperami and a Relentless.

- Yeah, but...
- Telling her to listen to her fanny, for updates.

- Well, you never contradicted her fanny!
- Don't turn this on me, Shell.

I figured we'd be eaten
by zombies by now.

What's your excuse?
- I was just being supportive.

And, yeah, maybe it
was nice to pretend.

- Why's that, then, Shell?

- I... I need to
tell you something.

Zar!

- I'm done, Shell. I'm done with
him and everything he ever touched!

- Gary? Why, did he do something?
- He's...

He's seeing someone.

- No. No. No chance!

- I'm telling you. My fanny's screaming at me!
- Your fanny's just upset. It's just lashing out.

Just... Let's put the bear down.
- Too late.

I'm moving on. I texted Lee Rhind,
told him this is his chance.

Two can play at that game, Gary!
- Zar, come on, no,

he loves that towel. Why don't
we just move away from the fire,

because that dress looks really flammable! OK.
- Too late, Shell!

It's too late.
- Mummy's here.

- Oh! - Baby!
- Bernadette, please help!

- Come on, princess!

This is no good, is it?

Mummy'll make it better.

- Oh, Jesus!
- There you go.

Now, that's a fire.

Jen kept quiet about
that bedbug infestation.

Dirty girl!

- It's been ages since
we had a good fire.

- Good for the soul, an inferno.

Want some breakfast, princess?

Don't worry about that bug,
I watched it roast alive.

- No, no carbs for me.

Don't want to be bloated for our wedding day!
- Of course.

We should have been in
Bannatyne's, Balsall Heath, today,

getting your water weight pounded
out of you by big-fisted Ken.

He'll be dead, and all.

- Sorry, Mum. I know you
liked them big fists.

- We crack on.

It's time to pitch Operation
Liquid Gold to Drew.

- Do you think he'll go for it?
- Don't worry.

Mummy can be very persuasive.

Got anything to
cover my mouth sores?

- Do you think I'm a hussy?
- Nah.

Makes sense. You and Gary always had a bit of a thing.
- We didn't have a thing!

- Mate, he locked himself in a chest freezer
because you tagged him in the ice bucket challenge.

- That's just Gary being Gary.
It doesn't mean anything.

- And he climbed a pylon to get your trainers down.
- Yeah, but it was him who threw them up there.

- All I'm saying, it's no
surprise you hooked up in the end.

Would have happened sooner
if Zara hadn't swooped in.

Ah, well, there's barely a dribble in there.
- Yeah, but she did swoop in.

- Ah, well, she had a pop
at your lallies. All's fair.

You can't help your feelings.
- There are no feelings!

It was just a stupid mistake.

- Was it just a noshing
off, Shell? Nothing more?

- Yes. It meant nothing.

- No. I'm asking was his
todger inside you at any point?

Because the only people
I know with swollen norks

who are mad for the smell
of petrol are up the duff.

- WORRIEDLY: - Hmmm.

- Lippy.

- I think it's going to take more
than a smear of Elizabeth Arden.

It's been a rough nine weeks.

- Are we talking a full refurb, Mum?
- Aye.

Back, sack and crack.

- I'll get the gaffer tape.

- Ah! Big one.

- How's that?
- Lovely colour.

- Phwoar! If you
weren't my mum...

- I haven't looked this
good since I was in court.

- Want a hand with the pitch?
- No.

You finish dolling yourself
up, because, tonight,

we're going to have
a little party,

finish off your hen do.
- Really?

Thanks, Mum!
- Get the c*ck pinata off the compost heap

and I will go and work
my magic on Golden ba*ls.

- Break a leg.

- I mean, I'm hoping it won't
come to that. But if it does,

I'll be ready.

- God, I'm such an idiot.
How could I not notice?

And my last period
was months ago.

I took my class to the urban farm and this
billy goat was hella interested in my crotch.

At first, I was quite flattered,
but then I went to the toilet

and I was like, "Oh, right."

Is this really the time to
be pissing about with bins?

I'm in big trouble here.
- I'm looking for a prescription bag.

- Uh?
- To get the address of that pharmacy Nezzie was on about -

to get you a pregnancy test.
- Oh! Right. Yeah,

nice one.
- OK. Scout these gardens,

look for gnomes, ornamental
wheelbarrows, wind chimes...

- Why?
- ..garden tat. It means an elderly householder.

And those guys chong
through prescriptions.

- Got you.

Found anything?
- Not yet. Keep digging!

- Ooh! Gnome! 12 o'clock!
- Aha!

- Oh, yes! - Powell's Pharmacy.
- How are we going to get there?

Could be miles away.
- I'm packing Post-Apoc Google.

In a world without Wi-Fi,
the hard copy is king.

We've got health tips from
Jen's Take A Break magazine,

a Haynes manual for
a 1992 Ford Escort

and our old friend
the Ordnance Survey.

Now who's Mark Zuckerberg? Ha.

Follow me.

Brought my divorce package.
Best seller, this is.

Push-up bra, knock-off
Botox, a**l bleach.

Ooh, so... Do we know
who he's boffing?

- Something caught in
your throat, there, Shell?

- Take your pick, Veens. Every
slapper east of Telford wants

a pop on my Gary!

- Have you got any ideas who
might be at it with Gary, Shell?

- Me? No. None, no.

I'm, um... I'm actually off the
dating scene myself, at the moment.

- Oh, yeah? You had a jizz
stain on your skirt yesterday.

- Did you now?
Where's that from?

- Just this guy I met... online.

- What's his name?
- He's called...

..Fire...

..pot.

Darren Firepot.
- Darren Firepot?

- When are we going to meet him, Shell?
- No time soon, I'm afraid.

- Why's that?
- Um, he's...

Um, the thing is, he's...

..currently in prison.

- No! You dark horse! What's
he in for? Is it m*rder?

Always wanted to shag a
m*rder*r. Only a hot one, mind.

- I wouldn't recommend it.

- No, he's not...
He's not a m*rder*r.

He shouldn't even
be in there, really.

Um...
- Hmm.

- Because all he did was
steal a loaf of bread.

You know, like Hugh
Jackman does in Les Mis.

- Must have a sh*t barrister
to get put away for that.

- Hang on, if he's in prison,
where did the stain come from?

- Oh, yeah! Explain that.

- From... That was
from a conjugal visit.

- You had it away in a prison?
- Yeah.

- That's so cool, Shell!
- Here he is.

Darren Firepot.
- You found him?!

- Well, well. I hate to
break it to you, Shell, but

Darren Firepot's a nonce.
- No!

No, he can't be.

No, that's lit... That's
literally impossible!

- Well, he's in for two years.

Aggravated masturbation
in a public place.

- No! No, he just
stole a loaf of bread.

- Yeah, he would say that. w*nk*ng at a
traffic warden don't have the same ring to it.

- Come on, guys. Support Shelly.

She can't help loving a nonce.
- He's not a nonce!

No, there must be
another Darren Firepot!

- With a name like that?
- At least you know now, Shell.

She's doing a public
service, really

giving him an outlet for his twisted urges.
- Twisted.

- Stop him preying
on the innocent.

- Yeah, good for you! Right,
to Shelly and her nonce.

- To Shelly. And her nonce.
- Nonce. - Whoo!

- You see, princess
- love finds a way.

Your Gary's going nowhere.

Mark my words.

- KNOCK AT DOOR

- Zar! Zar! It's me,
baby - Lee Rhind!

I was at my uncle's funeral in
Droitwich, but I came as fast as I could.

- Aw, sorry, Lee, babe. You're
too late. The moment's passed.

I'm giving Gary the benefit of the doubt.
- Not again, man!

Come on!
- Doesn't have to be a wasted journey, though, Lee.

All right, love.
- Bernadette.

Why are you dressed like that?

What do you want?
- I just thought we should have a little heart-to-heart.

Do you ever wonder why you were
saved from the megadeath, love?

- It's all I think about. I sometimes wonder if...
- I've got a theory.

- What?
- When those girls look at you,

they see a stripper. But
I see an entrepreneur.

- Yes! Stripping is just
part of my portfolio, huh?

I'm much more than that.
- Oh, I know.

I mean, I see myself in you.

And I see you in me.

- You do?
- Entrepreneurs - they don't see a crisis,

they see an opportunity.

- Yes. It's one of
Elon's key tenets.

- I think you've been chained
to that rad for too long.

- I have!
- You shouldn't have to listen to Shelly drivel on.

- I can't hear any more about her dad!
- The way I see it,

Armageddon is the ultimate
business opportunity.

And we've got something
nobody else has.

Let's talk turkey.

- Yes! Go, Veen!
- Don't thank me.

Thank the new Google.

That's its name till I think of
something really bloody sticky.

What about Noogle?

Looks clear.

- ba*ls!
- I'll look for the good stuff.

You get the pregnancy tests.

Oh! All gone.

HRT, opiates, Valium.

Some canny b*tch is
having a great apocalypse.

Fair play to 'em.
- There's nothing here.

What am I going to do?
- Well, you've got three options.

Option one, fess up to Zar and let
her raise the baby, if she wants.

- She'll never do that.
- Why not? Surrogacy's in.

Anything Kim Kardashian's
done, Zar will be up for.

- She'd have to forgive me first, which is very unlikely.
- Mm-hm.

Option two, you raise the baby
and, when it comes of age,

if it looks like Gary, they
might be into each other.

- That's not right. There'd be
a massive age gap, for a start.

- Joan Collins and Cheryl Cole have set the stage for you there.
- What's the third option?

- Well, given Gary's carked it,
you could have it off with Drew,

claim it's his. Princess
Diana got away with it.

Royal seal of approval.
- No.

Thing is, I'm actually starting
to think Drew's not that into me.

He always just seems a
tiny bit, I don't know -

annoyed whenever I'm around.
- Into you or not,

Drew is the last d*ck out of Nam.
I suggest you give it another go.

Here - grease his wheels.

- Viagra?

- Hide!
- Oh, my God! Hide!

- Hide!
- Um...

Hide where?
- Down here. Get down there.

- WOMAN: - OK,
yes, this is it.

- Ah!
- INDISTINCT VOICES

DOORS CLOSE

It's the pelvis posse!

QUIETLY: Oh, God.

LEONIE: - I really think she would
have been fine with the dock leaves.

- We can't take any chances.

If Kelly's metatarsal heals
wrong, that's her posture ruined.

There! There's a
support bandage.

- Oh. Does it not come in lilac?

- When does a support
bandage ever come in lilac?

Kel, just put it on.

- Wait!

- Christ! That was so close.

- That land tractor's
full of fuel.

- No, no, no! Please,
no more tension!

Please, I'm going to
have a heart attack.

- Sorry. I always forget
other people aren't on drugs.

Wait here.
- No, don't leave me!

- Scared here or scared
with me - choose.

- Scared here.
- Good.

- SHE PANTS

Oh, my God.

CHATTER

WHISPERS: Hurry up!

CHATTER

WHISPERS: Veena. Veena!

- A few breathing exercises
and you'll be fine. Get in!

- SIGHS: - That was
a waste of time.

Right, let's get out of here.

- ENGINE STARTS

Ve-... Veena!

Veena! Oh, my God!

- I left them enough to get a
long way before they work it out.

- You legend!
- Don't thank me.

Thank the ketamine. It's
keeping me ice cold.

- Think of it -

hundreds of paying customers,
all carrying your progeny.

- I could bring
them back - the men!

Joe Rogan, Gareth
Bale, Nigel Farage -

all the lads!
- And now if we're talking repopulation,

we're going to need
a lot of product.

- That's never been a problem for
me. I've done it twice in one night!

- A whole twice?
- I will dedicate myself to my task.

This will be my calling.

I will father the
new human race!

- And I will do
all the haggling!

- No so fast! I want
90% off the back-end.

- There's no money in
the back-end, love.

Call it 60 and
you've got a deal.

- You're on.

It's like the day I
bought my domain name!

The sky's the limit!
- Shall we pop that cork?

- I thought you'd never ask.

- CORK POPS, THEY LAUGH

- Well... That went
off with a bang.

- I know how it feels. It's probably
been bottled up for a long time.

- Well, we all have.

- What do you say to a taste
of the miracle, partner?

- Let's see what you
can do with two hands.

- Actually, I'm
quite into the cuffs.

- You dirty bugger.

- MOANING

SHOUTING

- Come on!

- SHE SIGHS

- You can't beat
a girls' night in.

Feeling better, Zar?
- On the road to forgiveness.

I've unblocked Gary on
Insta, as a peace offering.

- BARNEY WHINES BY DOOR

- Can you take Barney out for a quick
dump, Shell? There's a good girl.

- Want us to pause the film?
- Nah. I hate Inception.

- Literally no-one hates Inception.
Even Jen likes Inception.

- Well, I hate it. No-one's
dreams are that boring.

Where are all the little rat
men with the face of my dad?

Nice quick one, eh, Barn?

SHE GASPS, HE GROANS

- It's me! Gary Whatmuff!

- What are you doing?! Why
haven't you proposed yet?!

- I'm going to. But me nan took
a turn for the worse last night,

so it's looking all good on
the engagement ring front.

- Well, get on with
it! She's on the edge!

- Shame. - SCOFFS: Can you just get in there and do it?
- The thing is, Shell,

power washing really
makes you think.

I've been looking back over my
life. I mean, time is, like...

It's mental, right?

- I don't think power
washing's good for you, Gary.

- No, Shell, listen.

Do you remember that time when I stuck a firework up my arse in fourth year?
- Yeah.

You set Mr Clegg's
Mazda on fire.

- Yeah, well, when I was
reaching round to light the fuse,

it wasn't Zar that
I was looking at,

to see if she thought
I was a legend.

It was you.

I keep thinking about it, I
keep going over it in my head,

and it's got to mean
something, Shell, surely!

- It doesn't mean anything! You had a firework up your bum! You weren't thinking straight!
- Yes.

- You love Zar. You have always loved Zar.
- I do, I do. I love Zar.

She's the fittest girl
I've ever managed to tap.

I love her to the moon and back...
- BERN: - Go on, my son!

- What are they doing in there?
- Watching Inception.

Bern gets excited when Leonardo
DiCaprio enters someone's dream.

- I hate Inception.

I mean, no-one's
dreams are that boring.

Where are all the t*ts?
- Gary, stop thinking and propose. - Yeah...

- Understand?

- Is that your final answer?
- Yeah.

Yeah, it's my final answer.

- Very well.

I shall not darken
your door again.

- THUD

Jesus Christ, Gary!

Just use the gate!
- Yeah.

- Bern, you look...
- Just doing a spot of business.

- Mind if I pop in to see Drew?

There's something I really need to...
- Don't disturb him!

Poor lad's tuckered out.

He broke a personal
record today.

- Maybe the teapot needs emptying.
- I've taken care of all his needs.

- Bern, did you and Drew...?
- Get your glad rags on, girls!

We're going to have
a little celebration!

- MOVIE PLAYS ON TV

Are they in Leonardo
DiCaprio's dream now?

- I'd love to be in
Leonardo DiCaprio's dream.

The things I'd do to him...
- When you next going in to see Darren Firepot?

- Erm... I'm done
with him, actually.

I... I just emailed
him, calling it off.

- Serves him right.
No-one likes a liar.

No more stains on your
skirt, then, Shelly?

- No. No more stains.

- Good.
- You cut up about it, babe? - Nah.

Nah, it didn't mean anything.

- I was kind of into going
into the prison with you.

Getting wolf-whistled by a yard full
of crims would've really cheered me up.

- It gets old.

- Don't worry, Zar. Gary's
going to propose any day now.

I just know it.
- Thanks, babe.

Do you want Lee Rhind's number?

- No, thank you.

VEENA: - That was quick.
- It didn't happen! Bern seduced him!

- Unexpected. Nice one, Bern.
It's a wrinkle in the d*ck plan.

- Yeah, you're telling
me! How does Bern do it?

What's she got that I haven't?

- Mouth sores.

- Bit of news, girls!

It's been a very successful
day in the... Dragons' Den.

Drew's on board.

Birmingham, here we come!

- Literally, in Drew's case.
- To Operation Liquid Gold!

- THEY CHEER

- And to Gary! Tomorrow,
babe. Tomorrow.

- To Gary!

And to Jen, for
leaving that note

so I'm in the clear with Renee.

- ALL, SOFTER: To Jen.

- How are you coming on with those tunes, Veens?
- Any minute now.

- You going to do
Inception for us tonight?

Really round the evening off?
- Only if I'm still conscious.

Here we go!

- MUSIC PLAYS:
Dancing Queen by ABBA

THEY SQUEAL

MUSIC STOPS

THEY GROAN

- Veena!

- That's your lot. Took two
hours to crank that out.

- Well, it's just as
well that I brought...

..Old Betsy!

- THEY LAUGH

THEY SING: ♪ You are
the dancing queen

♪ Young and sweet, only 17... ♪

SONG CONTINUES

♪ Dancing queen

♪ Feel the beat from the
tambourine Oh, yeah... ♪

- I'm sorry about
Mum and Drew, babe.

- It's OK. The better woman won.

- Yeah.

It sucks when you lose a bloke
you like to someone else.

- ♪ See that girl, watch that scene
Digging the dancing queen... ♪

Yeah.

VEENA: - And then
Michael Caine says...

- IMITATES CAINE: -
.. "Look who's here."

It's Leonardo DiCaprio's kids!

We zoom in on the top spinning.

It's the end of the film.

Is this a dream?

- Why can't they just make
it clear? Stupid Inception!

- That's the point, Shelly.

We don't know if what we're
watching is the dream...

- VOICE FADES: - ..or reality.

- Well, I think
that's a sh*t ending.

- I'm coming, babe!
Gary's coming!

- HE GROANS