01x03 - The Lost Bhai's

[bunniefuu]

FAST-PACED MUSIC

SLURPING

HE GRUNTS
Argh!

Hyah! A real Muslim
wouldn't be into this, bro.

Shafi, do something!

I'm sorry, Mr Abdulla.

Mohammed Salah!

SHE HISSES

h*, h*, h*, h*-o-o-o!

Gol, gol, gol, gol, gol, gol, gol!

WIND BLOWS

Where'd she go, bruv?
ABDULLA GASPS

Pow! You see that shot, bruv?

All them years at the
Chelsea Academy weren't for nothing.

Having a replica shirt doesn't mean
you were part of the Academy, Shafi.

Let's go.
Hold on, man, wait.

They're gonna let that thing
get away with it. Hey, big man!

No, no,
they're not gonna do anything

unless we keep our mouths shut.
Let's go.

Why you always backing the police, man?

You know pigs are not halal.

I'm trying to stop us
from getting arrested.

Arrest...
There's an Islamophobic vampire

running around in these streets,
bro! Oh, my God.

Can you hear yourself?!
They'll have you sectioned.

Who's gonna section me, bruv?
SHAFI SIGHS

Look, we can't just
sit around and do nothing, yeah?

Look what I found. Mistress Kathy?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

This looks like a job
for The Lost Bhais.

"The Lost Bhais"?

I thought you didn't
run with the g*ng no more.

The Lost Bhais ain't no g*ng, man.

They're just the cool kids
from the masjid.

We deal dawah instead of...
other things now.

OK, and they don't need to get
involved, OK? She's not a vampire.

She's probably an... addict,
or something.

I know you don't bang gym, yeah,
but even you are not weak enough

to be put in a chokehold
by a skinny little crackhead.

OK, then maybe she's, like,
a crazy white lady, you know?

And given your dating history,
surely you know how much damage

a gori with a screw loose can do?

Is there something
you're not telling me, fam? Hm?

Like...

Oh. Is this some kind of
kinky new sex thing you're into?

All right, listen, I get it now.

Look, hospital's
a classic scenario...

You've been watching
way too much porn, Shafi.

There's a scientific explanation
to all of this.

Just let me figure it out
on my own, OK?

SHAFI SUCKS TEETH OK.

But if them vampires come for you,

you tell 'em your cousin
fights like Khabib, bruv!

OK. I will. Good.

How do I get out?

Straight down on the left, Shafi.

Baow!

SIRENS
IN THE DISTANCE

I say.

Crawling around in the dirt
rather suits you, Katherine.

Well, maybe you should
come and join me, Charles?

Or has that imported
third-world blood made you lazy?

You know our rules.
Your Indian lover boy needs to go.

Otherwise, we might have to step in.

And do what, exactly?

Slap him with a white glove
and demand satisfaction?

How about we bury you both alive?

SHE HISSES,
THEY HISS

ALL HISS

SHE COUGHS

THEY SNIGGER

Ah...

Abs.

Are you all right?
We heard what happened.

The nurses said you were beaten up
by some lady.

No, just some patient
with Real Housewife delusions

trying to pick a fight
with the nearest male. Heh!

Well, we were worried.
I'm fine!

There's nothing to be worried about.

I'm not so sure.

Public displays of violent passion?

Secrecy about your sex life?

Food with no seasoning?

I think Abdulla's got a girlfriend.

And she's white!

Shut it, Chris, OK?
We've been over this.

It's not nice to make fun
of Abs' girl problems, all right?

"Girl problems"?

You know what...

I... do have a new girlfriend.

Mm, you're right.

That is why I've been acting
a little differently recently.

It's a, er, new relationship buzz.

Zzz.
Are-Are you serious?

What's her name, then?

ABDULLA SCOFFS Kathy.

And she's definitely real?

Not one of those anime body pillows,
or a Tinder bot?

Yes, she's real, you dickhead.
That's amazing, Abs.

So, erm, when do we get to meet her?

Sorry, what?

Well, Frank wanted
to invite you over,

to say thanks for taking the shifts.

He makes a mean dosa, apparently. So...

why don't you bring her?
Maybe tomorrow evening?

No. I'd love to,
but she works nights.

Oh, is she a doctor, too?

Not exactly.
She is real, right?

Yes, she's real! I'll bring her, OK?

Er... Erm, tell Frank
not to use any garlic.

She's garlic...

free.

Is that a thing now, or something?
Drop the gluten too, love.

This is a white girl
we're talking about.

Oh, God, not again.

Abdulla,
I thought you'd be working tonight.

I'm heading to Amrita's
for a dinner party. Mm.

What's THIS all about?
Oh, this?

This is nothing.
Listen, you go have fun.

Candles, your fine china...

and is that a decanter
of your finest mango Rubicon?

You're not on a date tonight,
are you, Mum?

SHE LAUGHS
No, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Just setting the atmosphere
for a bit of self-love tonight.

"Self-love"?
Mm.

You mean a Bollywood movie
and a ready-meal curry, right?

A little more romantic than that, thanks.

Enjoy it, Mum.

KEYS JANGLE

DOOR OPENS

PHONE CHIMES, VIBRATES,
DOOR CLOSES

SIRENS
IN THE DISTANCE

DOORBELL RINGS

Ikhlaq?
Er, no. It's Kathy.

Salam alai... klum.

Er, is-is Abdulla in?

Sorry, are you the bin lady?
Oh, yeah, that.

That was just the old, er,
walk of shame, you know?

The what?
Er, we're involved, Abdulla and I.

I don't think so.

I mean, you're not exactly his type.

And what is his type?

Well, he only goes for Muslim girls,
for one.

Well, it's a good thing
I've converted.

What, he hasn't told you about me?
He hasn't.

Mm. Strange that he hasn't
mentioned his girlfriend.

Fiancee. Muslims
don't do boyfriend, girlfriend.

You're either his fiancee,
or you're not involved.

Well, that's the thing, Mrs Khan.

It wasn't exactly
the most romantic of proposals.

Mightn't it be best if we,
er, discussed this as a three?

Where is he?

Dinner party, with his friends.
Weren't you invited?

I get my dinner at the mosque
these days.

Mightn't you have the address?

Sorry, you're his fiancee

and he hasn't told you
where he's going?

Men! What are they like, eh?

Thank you so much, Mrs Khan.

Or should I, er, say...

mother-in-law!

WIND BLOWS

Oh...

GRIME MUSIC
FROM CAR

Hey!

MUSIC STOPS
That your p*ssy cousin Abs?

Is this your ghetto Ferrari, Shafi?

That's right.
What you doing here?

I'm dealing with
the vampire problem, bruv.

What are YOU doing here?

Look, all the Lost Bhais
came back through.

Even Maajid. Out of hospital,
no thanks to you. Hm!

Yeah, I hear the vampire's
after you, too, now, huh?

Believe me now, Doc?
Like I said, Maajid,

your issues were far more likely
to be drug-related.

Pfft... Come on,
look at this coconut, man.

You for real?

Sticking up for whites, even
though they're blood-sucking ghouls.

You're movin' so mad, you know?
Like I said to Shafi,

it's under control.
"Under control"?

Last time I checked,
it was you who needed me to stop you

from getting shish-kebabed.
Yeah, truss.

Thank you so much for that, Shafi,

but honestly,
it's all under control.

I don't need anybody's help,
not least from the guys

who could barely get past
Alif Baa Taa in Quran class.

Is there something
you're not telling me, fam?

Are you involved with
this vampire lady, bruv?

Is she your little...
side order of mattar paneer?

Oh, come on, man! Look at him.
Abdulla ain't got no game.

ALL LAUGH

LAUGHTER CONTINUES,
ABDULLA LAUGHS MOCKINGLY

Cos "having game" is so Islamic,
is it, boys?

Look, I've checked myself,
there's no-one up there.

Aye, whatever you say, fam.

Just be careful round here, innit?
Mm...

This estate's whiter
than a Millwall crowd. Ha-ha!

Thanks for your concern, Shafi.

Good night.

SHAFI SUCKS TEETH

SHAFI SNIFFS

Something don't smell right,
you know.

Who is it? Was it you?

Well, that went well. Come on, bro.
Sorry, bro.

CAR ENGINE TURNING OVER,
GRIME MUSIC ON STEREO

DOORBELL RINGS

You haven't, er, moved in, have you?

Oh, no, I'm just chilling here

till the rugby season starts
back home, eh?

He means till he gets deported. Yeah.

Hi.
Hello.

You look really nice.
Thanks.

Chris? What are you doing here?

Well, I just had to meet
the infamous Kathy, didn't I?

So, go on, then.
Where's she hiding?

As you may well have guessed...

there is no Kathy.
Ah, ha!

I knew it!

Shut it, Chris.
So, who was she?

Was she, like, some 40-year-old
male catfish, hm? Come on, Abs.

Let's get you sat down.
Oh, come on!

Stop it.
Ow!

What's wrong with you, bruv?

So, what's going on?
Oh, I'm sorry.

I guess I just wanted
you guys off my back

about this whole girlfriend thing.

Abs, do you really think we care
if you're single or not?

I dunno.

This whole relationship thing
seems so easy for you guys.

I just can't figure it out.

Have you considered
arranged marriage?

What?!

I know there's a stigma attached,

but I was reading something
in gal-dem, which I love.

Are you seriously gonna
whitesplain arranged marriage to us?

No, no, no, no, no.
It's like we were talking earlier.

Isn't it great
that your culture has an option

for guys who can't get laid -
like Abs, here?

I don't see India
with an incel problem.

Frank, if you don't shut up,

I'm gonna Priti Patel your arse
back to South Africa.

It's...
It's progressive, if anything.

You know, some people really just
aren't cut out for the dating world.

You know what? I think
I better leave you guys to it.

Abs, Abs. No!
Abs, no!

Evening... hubby.

Hello, everyone.

I'm Kathy.

SHE SIGHS

Salaam alaikum.
Oh, my...

Salaam alaikum.
Salaam alaikum, Auntie Bush.

Shafi!
Is Abdulla in?

No, he's out.
OK, we need to find him.

We think he's been hypnotised
by a va... Aw, sick, Bombay mix!

Ooh!
What's going on?

OK, so, she looks like
some skinny white chick,

but in reality,
she's a blood-sucking...

Here, Uncle Eran just got deported.
The bin lady?

Yes, have you seen her?
Yeah, she were here earlier,

and she said that she and Abdulla
are now "involved".

Astaghfirullah, it's worse
than we thought. Ah, no, no.

I'm sure there's a perfectly fine
explanation for all...

You know, Auntie,
don't even worry about it.

It's OK, we can handle it.
Can't we? Mandem!

Mm?
Let's go. Let's go, bro.

Ikhlaq?
Dad?

Ikhlaq, Uncle, what you doing...?

DOOR OPENS, CLOSES

Is there garlic in this?

No. Abdulla said that you don't...
Wonderful!

OK...
So, erm...

How did you two meet?

Bus stop.
The club.

The, er,
the Bus Stop in Farringdon.

It's a House night.

♪ Wow, wow, wow, wow... ♪

Right.
So, what do you do?

I'm a part-time dominatrix.

Oh. How did you get into that?

Well...

There's always small-dicked men
willing to pay loads of money

to be told that they're worthless.

Not me, of course.

Don't shame her, Abdulla.
Sex work is work.

I'm not shaming her, Frank.

I'm just not into that.

Oh, really?

Well, maybe someone needs to be
put back in their place, then.

God! You're a fun bunch.

Some of us are just a little more
uptight in the bedroom...

Frank! We're not talking about that
at the dinner table. What the f*ck?

HE WHIMPERS

Kathy, er, honey, darling,
can we have a chat, please?

Hm.

It's been really lovely
meeting you all.

Oh-h*-h*. Oh...

What the f*ck are you doing here?!

I'm cleaning up a little mess
of my own making.

I may have accidentally,
er, turned you into a, erm...

vampire.

Fu-u-u-u-uck.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No. Oh... I f*cking knew it.

God, you don't need to cry about it.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no.

My mum tried to have me exorcised,
YOU tried to k*ll me,

and I can't even look at my cousin
without wanting to neck him.

What else am I
supposed to f*cking do?!

HE EXHALES SHARPLY

Mm...

Why don't you come
and have a little drink with me?

HE GROANS

It's non-alcoholic.
SHE CHUCKLES

Pure, extra virgin
and 100% halal blood,

which once belonged
to your little mate Maajid.

Are you insane?!

Oh. Oh, it's the girlfriend
experience you want, is it?

Mmm...
No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

I just want to know
how to put a stop to all of this.

Mmm... Come on, Abdulla.

Come and drink a little Maajid.

'Garden Of Delight'

That's it.

MUSIC CONTINUES

Mmm, mmm...

Mmm, mmm...

HE NICKERS

We don't know... Ugh...

What the f*ck?
Urgh!

Can't a girl get some peace?

Word of advice, Abs.

It is polite to ask before you start

making OnlyFans content
in someone's bedroom!

f*cking millennials!

Where are you?! Come and face me!

What the f*ck...?

Is this why you bit me?

You're into brown men?

What can I say?

I have the same taste in men
as Princess Diana.

BOTH HISS

SNARLING

SHE HISSES,
HE GROWLS

BOTH GRUNT

All right, are we ready, lads?
Yeah!

Ready!
Come, come, come.

Nah, next one, next one, next one.

Hey, bruv!

Is that my bat, bruv?

You-You-You said bring a stick, bro?
You clown! I meant...

Obvious... f*ck it, f*ck it.

It's cool, it's cool, cool.
Come, come, come.

Ready, yeah?!
Yeah.

BOTH GRUNTING

BOTH PANT

PANTING

SHAFI SUCKS TEETH

BOTH GRUNT,
SHE SQUEALS

HE GROWLS

Ooh...

Oh, you like that, Mr Abdulla?

SHE PANTS

HE GROANS

HE GRUNTS

Oh!
Oh.

HE CRIES OUT

No, no, no, no!

I'm so sorry, Mr Abdulla.

It was a mistake.
I shouldn't have turned you.

It's against the rules.
And if I don't k*ll you, they will!

KNOCKING AT DOOR

Flippety f*ck! Can't a woman
have a minute's peace?!

We know you've got him
trapped in there, vampire lady!

Come out with your arms up!

Ah, I see you brought back-up.

Bro, bro, what if she's got a gat?
We don't stand a chance then...

She doesn't have a g*n, bruv.
She's a f*cking vampire!

Us Muslims disagree
on everything from pre-marital sex

to whether marshmallows are halal,
but we look after our own.

If you don't let me go,
they will k*ll you.

Well, maybe I'll just have
to k*ll the lot of you, then!

We've got stakes!

And-And we ain't afraid to use 'em!

And a bat too!

Why did you tell her you have a bat, bruv?

HE SUCKS TEETH
Vampires love bats.

Argh...

BOTH PANT

All right,
I'm gonna kick this door down.

Move, move, move. Come on.
Go on, brother, go on, big one.

SHAFI YELLS
Whoa! It's me.

Abs!
I'm sorry, Shafi.

There's something...
someone I've been hiding from you.

This is my... girlfriend.
Oh!

BOTH GIGGLE Kathy.

Oh. Ah.
SHE GIGGLES

Ugh...
You're so cute when you do that.

Ain't no boyfriend girlfriend t'ings
in Islam, bro.

That's your fiancee.
Oh!

BOTH GIGGLE