01x04 - Malika of the Damned

[bunniefuu]

SHAFI GROWLS
Whoa! It's me.

Abs.
This is my...

SHE CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY ...girlfriend.

Oh!
Kathy.

Ain't no boyfriend-girlfriend things
in Islam, bro.

That's your fiancee. Oh.

So, er...
So, when's the nikah gonna be?

Hey, my dad, he's got a sick deal
on a venue, you know?

That venue's a room
above a chicken shop, bruv.

Hang on, Shafi.

Ain't she that lady that's been
hanging round the mosque?

Erm... yeah.

I was just, er, looking
for single, sexy Muslim boys.

So you ended up with a brother
that never goes mosque?

We'd love to stay and chat, right?

And...
But there's a wedding to plan.

Yeah.
So we're gonna, er...

THEY CHUCKLE

Abs, no dipping your kebab
before marriage, you get me?

I think I've got that, brother.

HE CHUCKLES Hey...

And don't lick it neither!
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Fancy a drink... fiance?

A drink?! I just saved your life!

You owe me some answers!
Oh, about what?

HE GROANS
This vampirism malarkey!

I mean, is it a curse,
like in Underworld?

Or more of a disease,
like in I Am Legend?

Can I go out in the sun,
like in Twilight,

with all the glittery sh*t,

or will I burn up,
like Interview With The Vampire?

SHE GROANS
Can I be k*lled with silver

or is it just a stake
through the heart like in Buffy?

Good Lord, Abdulla!
A Muslim, of all people,

should know you can't learn anything
about community from the media!

I mean, vampires can be ethical,
productive members of society.

Coming from a part-time dominatrix
who lives in a council flat?

What, you got a problem
with a disabled person

trying to make her way
in a Tory Britain?

You didn't seem very disabled
when you were assaulting me earlier.

Tell me. Tell me how
I'm supposed to get a job

with a raging sunlight allergy?

HE GROANS

How are vampires meant to get by?

KNOCK ON DOOR

Mistress Kathy! Are you in?

KNOCKING

Sorry, love. A girl's gotta work.

No, no, no, no. No, no, no.
We're not done here!

The chastity belt you got me
has broken and... I can't pee.

Why is it my problem?

Because you're my maker.

Doesn't that mean we're connected,
like in True Blood?

Oh, my God, it's always
the bloody movies with you!

Look, just because I bit you,
it doesn't mean I owe you anything.

I mean, at least
not in an official capacity.

Well, what does that mean?

A bite has one percent chance
of turning you,

and even then could...
KNOCK ON DOOR

Ugh! Can you just go?
No, no, no, no.

At least tell me
why you wanna k*ll me so badly!

Please, Mistress! I'm ready to pop!

Are you working tomorrow?
Yeah.

Let me into the blood bank,
and then we'll talk.

Agreed. OK.

KNOCKING
Now go...

Out.

Dr Khan?

Dr Eversley.

SHE GROANS

SHE SIGHS
In the corner.

ANIMAL CALLS

Oh! God!

What's this,
the Islamic Father Karras

and Father Merrin reunited
for The Exorcist Part II?

Don't be silly, Abdulla.

Shafi here was just telling me
about your new fiancee.

You told my mum?
Why wouldn't I?

You deserve some cred

for getting a kafir like Khadija
to revert to Islam.

Khadija?! You mean Kathy?

You can't marry a non-Muslim, bruv.
So it's Khadija, or no nikah...

But she's not Muslim.

She came here last night herself
to tell me that she's converting.

Er, reverting.

Wait, she came here?
Oh, my God, are you OK?

Well, between the shock of hearing
how my son is engaged

to a white woman
15 years his senior and...

everything else,
I think quite well, considering.

I'm sorry I didn't tell you, Mum.
It's just...

I know you wanted your space, Abdulla.

But this whole conversion,
reversion business...

Does she know
what she's getting herself into?

It's not a simple thing.

Yeah, that's why
I wanted to come over, innit?

Cos most of these old school imams,

they don't know nothing
about no inter-faith,

inter-cultural relationships,
but your boy Shafi

has been linking Latinas since GCSE,
big man.

Get to the point, Shafi.

Islamic. Sex. Therapy.

I know a guy who handles everything,
right down to the lovemaking.

An Islamic marriage counsellor.

That's right,
the best guy in West London as well.

For a little harami like Abs,

he'll probably do it free of charge, inshallah.

Coming from Hounslow's most prolific
sender of unsolicited d*ck pics?

Er, Abdulla, don't be rude.

Rude?!

It might be helpful
for you to speak with him.

God knows I could have used one
when I was...

Yeah, so I'll bring him
on Friday then, yeah?

Mum, you can't be serious?

Abdulla, I am happy to give you
the space that you need,

but I will not let you

make the same mistakes
that I did, either.

Shafi, it's only an hour, right?
Yeah.

I think this'll be a good thing
for you and... Kathy.

You know what? He could probably
help you as well, Auntie.

D'you know he does a whole workshop
on why catfish is haram...

Khuda Hafiz, Shafi!
Thank you for coming.

Khuda Hafiz. Friday, yeah?

Catfish?

Fish without scales.

Or is that makruh?
SHE LAUGHS UNCOMFORTABLY

I was gonna tell you.

I know, Abdulla.
I know, it's just...

SHE SIGHS

Living this double life,

meeting older women in secret,

making huge life decisions
without consulting me?

How do I know you're safe?

I can take care of myself, Mum.
I know.

But I need to be sure.

This is a Hamsa, the Hand of Fatima.

It's said to protect you
against the evil eye.

Thanks, Mum, but I...
It was your dad's once.

SMOKE FIZZES

HE WHINES

Do they maybe have it in gold?

Muslim men don't wear gold.

I want you to hold onto it. For me.

SMOKE FIZZES Fine.

Fine. Thank you.

Thank you.

You know, I mean,
I just shook Shafi's hand, Mum.

Who knows where that's been, hey?

SPOOKY MUSIC

This must be what it feels like

for non-vampires
waiting for Maccy D's to open.

HE CLEARS THROAT

Well, I can't think of
a more romantic first date

with my new... fiance.

SHE GROANS HAPPILY

Ugh! f*ck me, that's disgusting!

Ugh!

Yeah, there's, er...

...hints of heavy alcohol abuse...

...shades of hard drugs, and...

a hell of a lot of sweaty sex.

I mean, that may as well be
Keith Richards' blood.

A very acquired taste. Mm.

Here, try some of this, er,
sweet AB positive.

Tastes like a teetotal nun.

Not that dissimilar
from your mate, Majid.

No!

Why do we need this stuff, anyway?

Blood's like a, er...
a good curry for an Indian.

A kebab for an Arab.
A kung pao for...

Kathy, please. Stop.

Mm.

Ooh, yeah.
SHE GIGGLES

I mean, those iron pills will help,

but they're no substitute
for the real deal.

You go without this stuff
for a couple of hours,

you'll feel like you've had
the worst hangover you've ever had.

I remember.

OK, so, why can't I eat garlic?

Why can't I touch silver?

SHE SCOFFS
Allergies, I guess.

OK, and what about sunlight?

Just think of your skin
as that of a...

a particularly vulnerable ginger.

Stay in the sun too long

and you'll wrinkle up
like a pensioner in Benidorm.

If you really need
to go out in the daylight,

factor 50 works a treat.

Can I, erm...

...glamour people?

What, like a glamour model?

Sorry, love, you ain't got the t*ts.

No, no, no, no, no.

I mean, like, er...
hypnotising people,

controlling them?

Why is it always about getting laid
with you blokes?

No.

Fine! Worth a try.

OK, how about churches?
Er, holy water. That dry wafer...

Abs, you all right in there?

What the f*ck?

Amrita? Hi!

Er, Kathy was just interested
in giving blood.

Weren't you, Kathy?
SHE CHUCKLES

You know, I'm fine
with your chosen profession.

But taking blood supplies
for your dominatrix business,

it's taking the piss,
don't you think?

Ooh...

Ciao for now.

Yeah.

Isn't she amazing?

No.

Kathy!

No, no, no, no, no. Wait, Kathy!

We've barely scratched the surface.

Explain to me why I'm meant to be
your private vampire tutor?

Erm... because I saved your life.

I'm already dead, Abdulla.

OK, er... What do you do for fun?

Fun? What d'you mean "fun"?

Surely there's more to life
than attacking innocent Muslims

and fixing middle-aged punters'
chastity belts?

What do you do when you wanna...
cut loose?

Well, er...

Ever since the government
cut our benefits,

there's not really much else to do
but, er...

work, drink, sleep, repeat.
SHE CHUCKLES

But there is this, er...

this one place, in Chelsea,
that serves people like us.

Cafe Sanguine.

Yeah, I think
that's what it's called.

I mean, it's... it's very expensive.

SHE CHUCKLES

But, er, anyway!
We're... We're done here.

No, no, no, no, no!
Let me take you there.

One last conversation,

and you never have to
hear from me again.

I'll even give you the code
to the blood bank.

Fine! When's your next night off?

Er... Friday night.
Fabulous, darling.

And remember,
I split bones, not bills.

Abs, what exactly is going on?

What do you mean?

Like, I know you've had
your confidence issues,

but I didn't expect you
to end up with a dominatrix.

We're just dating.

You know you don't have to
just settle, right?

There are lots of girls
who'd be lucky to have you.

I'm just saying that
if you have any issues,

you can always come to me.

Well, I'm a big boy.
I can handle myself.

I know, but...

this is your first relationship,
isn't it?

And... it doesn't look like
it's hers.

My door's always open. Anytime. OK?

I'll see you later.

When's Kathy gonna be here?
For what?

For the marriage counselling, silly.

Shafi's guy's gonna be here
any minute now.

Mum, I'm not...
KNOCK ON DOOR

I'll be out of the house.

So feel free
to speak about your feelings, OK?

And remember,
it's better to be open

about bedroom problems early on,
believe me.

Ugh! Mum!

As-salamu alaikum.

As-salamu alaikum
warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.

Shafi?!

What's the problem?

Are you afraid to get sensitive

with the world's first
Islamotherapist?

I thought you actually knew somebody
who could help us!

And I do.

Me!

Oh, come on,
name me one other imam

as schooled in Islamic theology
as he is in how to cl*max a woman?

Oh, good grief.
Yeah, that's right.

SHE SIGHS

Now, where's Khadija at?
We got a lot to cover.

Shafi, we know you.

Are you really the best person
to speak on this?

Course I am, Auntie.

In fact, my past life
is exactly what helps me connect

to the wayward Islamic youth.

I'm not spending the next hour

listening to you trying to justify
your internet search history

through half-baked theology.

Half-baked?!

This is all backed up
with years of Islamic book study!

Ha, yeah

Brazzers doesn't count
as Islamic book study, Shafi.

Just listen to me
for, like, one hour.

What's wrong with you?

It's not like
you've got somewhere else to be.

I do, actually. Er...

Kathy and I have a date
at Cafe Sanguine.

A date?! Astaghfirullah.

This is exactly
why you need to listen to me.

Dating is not halal
unless you're bringing a chaperone.

Just text her to come!

HE SUCKS TEETH

Is there really
no-one else who can help?

Why not... Abdulla.

DOOR CLOSES
Abdulla!

You said that you'd be here.

I got all dressed up,

put on a keffiyeh
and everything, brev.

HE SUCKS TEETH

ORCHESTRAL MUSIC, CHATTER

LAUGHTER

CHATTER

Yes! Yes! Yes!

WOMAN LAUGHS

HE CLEARS THROAT

Hello, hi.
A table for two, please?

We typically serve your kind
with a pinch of lemon.

Yeah? No, no.
I-I'm one of you. I'm with...

He's with me, Xavier.

Katherine Margot.

I thought we'd finally managed
to price you out of this place.

Yeah, well, you could say I've found
myself a new blood sugar daddy.

Now, please?

ORCHESTRAL MUSIC BUILDS

GASPING

Erm...

Just, er... Let's sit.

What you doing? What's wrong?

Sit down, sit.
OK. All right.

Are you OK?

Oh...

I f*cking hate them all.

Vampires?
No. Toffs.

Oh.

So, they're all like that, then?

Yeah, well, that's the thing
from being around for centuries.

The money and power
can really get to one's head.

So we really are immortal?

Not as fun as it looks, eh?

Kathy...

I've been meaning
to ask you something.

Yeah?

Is there a... ?
What's Abdulla doing here?

Shafi, what the f*ck?

I'm k*lling two birds
with one stone, baby girl.

I'm treating my beautiful Nahima,
my wonderful fiancee,

out to a lovely dinner.

And I'm also making sure
that my dickless cousin

doesn't get up to any haram.

A double date
isn't exactly halal, Shafi.

Nor is it romantic! We should go.

Haven't we met before, darling?

No, no, no, no.
This isn't a social, Kathy.

Anything to drink,
ladies and gents?

I'll take a Bloody Mary, please.

Extra bloody,
if you know what I mean?

Er, sorry, this is a Muslim table.
No alcohol, please.

A Bloody Mary is a mocktail.
It contains vodka, sir.

HE CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY
Yes. Non-alcoholic vodka.

Yeah...
but what about the blood, bruv?

Blood is not halal.

A Bloody Mary doesn't have
any blood in it, you idiot.

It's just tomato juice
and a chilli sauce.

You might as well call it
a "Bloody Maryam".

Actually, sir...
Shut up, OK? Thank you so much.

Coke, anybody? Coke?

Yeah.
Coke, thank you.

Mm, I must say, my darling,
you smell wonderful.

BOTH CHUCKLE

Yeah, you've got me to thank
for that, Khadija, still.

I got a sick deal on oudh from
this Lebanese guy on Edgware Road.

It's Kathy.

Abs, have you not told her
she needs a Muslim name yet?

Kathy can decide for herself
what name she wants to use, Shafi.

Kathy, we need to chat.

Nahima, is it?
Yeah.

Tell me, how does a dominant queen
like yourself

end up with a prick like that?
ABDULLA CHUCKLES

Well, let's just say
the collective quality

of single Muslim men
isn't exactly the highest.

Oh...

Babes...
But...

But even with his rough edges,

he's still
one of the few people out there

making our faith more accessible.

Mm.
I like that in a guy.

That's right.

How about YOU?

Er, let's just say Abdulla's
the first pull I've regretted

after not drinking enough.

HE LAUGHS

Kathy, we...
we came here for a reason...

How about you and I
ditch these losers

and find ourselves a ladies night...
I really need to know.

Is there a cure?!

Why don't you just stick your c*ck
in a pig and see how that goes?!

SHAFI GASPS

Abs! You can't let your woman
talk to you like this!

She's not "his", Shafi.

And for the millionth time,
she can say whatever she likes.

Baby, did you hear that?
You'll never learn, will you?

How is this my fault?!
You're being ridiculous, Shafi.

Are you serious? Brev!
Oh, don't go.

Baby, come on!
Thank f*ck they're gone.

You got the bill, love?
Yes. Wait, but...

No, Kathy, we're not...
We're not done here!

Ugh... Move.

HE HISSES

Sorry.

Kathy!

Kathy!

Kathy, we weren't done in there. Shh...

Baby, I can change.
I've even stopped critiquing

how girls wear their hijabs
on Instagram.

It's not just about that, Shafi!

It's your attitudes, your misogyny.

Misogyny?! I've even stopped
using your conditioner on my beard.

What do you want from me?!
f*ck off, Shafi!

You're not gonna... ?
Just watch and learn, yeah?

Just f*ck off, Shafi, OK?
I'm trying...

We're done!
Calm, say nothing. I'm out.

No, no, no, no, no, no.
Kathy, you don't mean k*ll her?

I don't wanna "k*ll her" k*ll her.
I just want a little taste.

Just look at her, she's so pure.

No. You can't.

Oh, yes, I f*cking can.

No, you can't!

SHE GROANS
What's wrong with you?

Great, she's f*cking gone!

THEY GROAN

A little b*tch like you
has no business being a vampire!

Yeah, well, maybe you should have
thought about that

before you turned me into one,
Maker!

Oh, Abdulla, Abdulla.

There's more than that
to being a vampire.

If I don't mark you as my progeny,

you're little more than a human with
a serious case of vampire virus.

You're my maker. You have to!

We can only make one. And you!

You were a f*cking mistake!

SHE GRUNTS

It's better if I do it, honestly.

The other vampires in the coven,

well, they're the UKIP-voting bunch,
if you know what I mean?

They'll come for you
and everyone you love.

You promised you'd help me.

Yeah, well, then you decided
to go all Gandhi on me, so...

SHE GROANS

SHE SHRIEKS, SIZZLING

Silver?!

HE GROWLS

Yeah. Muslim men don't wear gold.

Even got a little catchphrase now,
you f*ck.

SHE GRUNTS

Amrita?

Amrita, are you there?

I need to tell you the truth, OK?

Kathy's not my fiancee.

She's not my girlfriend, OK?
She's a...

I'm a, er...

I'm a vampire.

HE GROANS

Amrita, you're not getting...

married?