01x05 - The Red Shaadi

[bunniefuu]

Amrita... you're not getting...

Oh...
...married.

Amrita? You didn't tell us
you had a boyfriend.

Oh, Abs isn't my boyfriend.

You can tell us. What's his name?

Er, Ab...
It's Abhijeet! His name's Abhijeet.

Oh, my God. He's Sikh?
Mm-hm.

You're Sikh?
You are coming in right now.

Abhijeet?

I can't tell my Sikh sister I've got
a Muslim boyfriend, now, can I?

Look, what are you
actually doing here?

You two loverbirds
can talk all you want later,

but seeing as this is the night
before my big wedding,

I think I deserve to know what else
my big sis has been hiding.

I really need to speak to Amrita
in private. Mm-hm.

Oh, come on, you can do a few rounds
with us, Abhijeet,

or are you as lame as my perfect,
Sikh, golden-girl sister?

"Perfect, Sikh, golden girl"?

Oh, look, please, Preethi.
We should be going to bed now.

No, I'm pulling bridal privileges
here now, sis.

Come on.

You drinking, Abhijeet?

Oh, no, no, no, no.
I... I brought my own.

Oh, Abs, that's not...
It's a... a moonshine.

That's why they sell it
in these bags - highly ill*gal.

Oh...
Oh! Can we have some?

No.
No? Ugh.

All right. Sim, you kick us off. Fine.

Never have I ever...

THEY GIGGLE
Oh, this is a good one.

SIM GIGGLES

LAUGHTER

Whoo!
Woohoo!

Oh, OK, OK.
I told you I was busy.

No, no, no, Amrita,
I'm a real-life Nosferatu.

SHE CHUCKLES
Did you make the fatal mistake

of combining weed brownies
and Hammer horror movies again?

HE HISSES

SHE CHUCKLES OK.

Those are very realistic.

SHE SNIGGERS
Can I have some?

You don't get it. Come here.
SHE CHUCKLES

Look.

OK, either I'm much more pissed
than I thought I was, or...

There's gotta be
a rational explanation for this.

Oh, yeah?
And what on Earth could that be?

Rabies. Porphyria. I mean,
Renfield's Syndrome, you've got...

No, scrap the textbook, Amrita.

Look, I chundered raw blood
all over my mum's Indian food.

Downed a patient's blood bag
like it was mango lassi.

I've spent the last few days
running away

from an angry dominatrix
that wants to k*ll me.

It's all gone to sh*t.

SHE SIGHS Oh...

I know how you feel, Abs, you know?

I mean...
SHE SIGHS

Between my parents convinced
I'm gonna marry a six-foot-four Jatt

and an annoying white boyfriend

who just doesn't seem
to get the hint...

...I know what it's like
to live a double life.

Well, this isn't a metaphor, Amrita.

There's literally
an angry coven of r*cist vampires

trying to k*ll me.

Well, yeah, but, I mean...
Look, just stay the night, OK?

There's something
that I wanna tell you, so just...

just stay, all right?

You need to tell me wh...

Amrit?

SHE GROANS

SHE GROANS

New face tattoo, Katherine?

I'd have thought
the men you've a taste for

prefer a big red dot
between the eyebrows.

HE CHUCKLES
Yeah, just a little...

...work injury.

Something you wouldn't know about,

seeing you've never worked a day
in your lives.

You know the penalty
for breaking the One Progeny policy?

k*ll him by sundown tomorrow,
or we'll have to do it for you.

And you know what that means.
You set the hounds on me?

Sundown tomorrow...
or it's the stake for you, too.

COIN CLINKS
Don't spend it all on drugs.

HE CHUCKLES

HE EXHALES

HE SIGHS

SHE SIGHS

Do vampires do breakfast?

THEY CHUCKLE Ugh.

sh*t.

SHE GROANS,
HE CHUCKLES

Raging hangover. Yeah.

Oh, you've got something
on your face.

Where?

Oh, no. Oh!
Stop it.

I'm not stereotyping,
but are you two off to the cricket?

Frank, what are you doing here?

HE CHUCKLES
Your sister's wedding, silly.

Now, which part
of the Indian traditions is this?

I know about the Mehndi night
and the Haldi ceremony,

but, yeah, I didn't know
all the bridesmaids

got blind drunk the night before.

I told you not to come.

Why's Abs here, then?

Come on,
I know that was brown-girl talk

for "come and save me".
Ugh, you're such an idiot.

Abhijeet, who's this?
Abhijeet?

I'm Frank. Amrita's boyfriend?
What?

f*ck's sake!

Outside. Now, both of you.

Morning.
Yeah, morning.

I can't believe you came.
Why? What's wrong, babe?

I told you you weren't invited
to this wedding.

You can't hide your boyfriend
from your family forever.

It's classic ABCD behaviour.

American-born confused "deshi"?

Desi.
Number one, I'm not American.

Number two,
can you stop throwing terms at me

that you've learnt from Twitter?

How many times
do I have to tell you, baby?

I'm not like
those other white boys, ya?

I understand this stuff.

I spent my whole gap year in Goa,
for God's sake.

Oh, for the hundredth time,
it's not the same thing!

For this relationship to work,
you'll have to let me in.

Maybe this relationship
isn't working anyway.

You're not... saying what I think
you're saying, are you, babe?

SHE SIGHS I...

Er... Frank,
why don't we hang out today,

seeing as though Amrita's so busy?

But the wedding?

Yeah, we can talk through it.
You know, brown man to white man?

Well, I did want to practise
my bhangra moves with someone, so...

OK, yeah,
and we can TALK about that.

Yeah, see you later.

Thank you.

Are you coming to the reception?

It's at Hilton Garden Inn.
The one by Heathrow?

Dress to impress.
Wait, Abs is invited?

Out!

Ya, and that's why
I started dating brown chicks.

You can literally taste the spices
when you go down.

Abdulla, where have you been
all night?

Who's this man you're with,
and what happened to your face?

Is that Fair & Lovely?

Hi, Abdulla's mum.
It's nothing.

We're going upstairs.
Getting ready for the wedding.

What wedding? It's not... What?
Get upstairs, you idiot!

Haven't you seen
any Bollywood movies?

Huh? This is my chance to rush in

and show her family
how much I love her.

No, it's not, Frank.

It's actually quite simple -
she doesn't want you there.

See, that's what she's saying
with her lips, but her hips...

No.
Huh?

You have to respect her wishes
on this, trust me.

Frank, stop. Stop, Frank.
Yeah?

Look, promise me you won't go?

Fine.

ABDULLA EXHALES
Good. Thank you.

I'm just gonna close my eyes for,
like, 30 seconds.

ABDULLA SIGHS

Ease round the spine, Bidalasana.

Arms to the ground,
Catur Svanasana.

And lift the hips to the sky...

KATHY GRUNTS
...into Adho Mukha Svanasana.

Breathe, ladies, breathe.

And exhale down
into Chaturanga Dandasana...

SHE GROANS

Inhale,
bring the legs together for...

...Sukhasana.

Beautiful.

Now, everyone, close your eyes
and repeat after me.

Om.
Om.

Ah.

Om.
Om.

Ah.

Oh, right. That's everything.
Thank you, my dears, and namaste.

Namaste.

Perfect form today.
Thank you.

That downward dog was stunning.
Beautiful work.

Thank you, thank you.
I love your work, too.

Oh, it's a pleasure.
See you next week.

See you next week.
Thank you. Namaste.

Yogi Rishi?
Mm?

I just wanted to make sure
that we're still on

for the private session at mine -

just you, me, some incense
and that bottle of rose.

Well, I'm always happy
to help deepen

my students' practice.
Mmm.

Yeah, well, I wouldn't recommend
you go too deep, Rish.

I mean, she may be a yummy mummy,
but I doubt she's very tasty.

Excuse me?

Apologies, apologies,
my dear Venetia.

This is an old student of mine

who clearly has to find
some inner peace.

If you'll just excuse me,
I'll talk to her for a second.

Bless you, bless you.

Kathy, what are you doing here?

I always told you that
rich white women were disgusting -

too much white wine
and diet supplements.

No, no, I don't drink them. I...

Look, what do you want?

Just checking in on you, Yogi Rishi.
SHE CHUCKLES

Back in town after all these years,

and you seem to have got yourself
a little cult.

It's not a cult, all right?
I'm just...

Look, I'm just using
my Hindu background

to spread a bit of positivity
in this world.

SHE SCOFFS
Not that you'd understand.

Now, come on, why are you here?

I may need your help.

I made another one, and...

and this time, he's a Muslim.
SHE CLEARS THROAT

He's what?
Oh, he's a Muslim, all right?

HE SIGHS
Oh, Kath.

Shafi, seriously, I'm done.

I'll even stop calling girls
"b*tches" when I rap.

It's bigger than that, Shafi.
It's your whole attitude.

I mean, you literally said

"Islam allows up to four side hoes"
on your last track.

Yeah, but that's scripture!
What did you say to Abdulla?

How did you get in here?
I know my way around these ends.

Auntie, I just need one minute.

Thanks to you
and your Islamic sex therapy,

my son is walking around
with some strange white man

talking about marriage.

It's OK to be concerned, Auntie,

but you have to let Abdulla
make his own decisions.

I know Kathy might not be
the ideal daughter-in-law, but...

I don't want him making
the same mistakes that I did.

You know, just running off,
getting married in secret,

conversion in name only.

Going on unchaperoned dates,

chasing around strange white women,
p*ssy outside of marriage. Hey!

Have you listened to a single word
I've said? Yes.

Shafi, you're the one that put
the idea of marriage into his head,

so you're the one
who's gonna help get it out.

Listen, I could talk
about this feminism stuff

with you forever, baby girl,
but this is an emergency.

I can't...
What do you want me to do?

Ah, just... All right, listen.
Don't worry, Auntie Bushie.

Your boy Shafi knows every Asian
wedding venue in town. I got it.

You sure?
Am I sure?

I used to be a wedding hype man,
didn't I?

Big up to the bride and groom.

sh*t.

sh*t, sh*t, sh*t, sh*t, sh*t,
sh*t, sh*t, sh*t, sh*t.

DIAL TONE
Pick up, pick up, pick up.

Pick up, Amrita.
'Abs?'

Amrita? He's not there, is he?

'Frank? You were meant
to keep an eye on him.'

I'm sorry, Amrita.
I made him promise not to go, but...

...he took my kurta.

'Oh, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck.
All right, that's not good, OK?

'That's not good, erm...
You need to get here now.

'Preethi blabbed about you
to Mum and Dad,

'and I'm gonna need a human shield
if my idiot boyfriend turns up.'

Fine. I'll be there.

Glass of blood?

Er, no, thanks. I'm vegetarian now.

Huh, a vegetarian vampire.
How's that working out for you?

I only drink animal blood.

Yeah, I don't think
that's strictly vegetarian.

So... tell me again...

...why you decided to attack
this poor young Muslim lad?

You haven't started reading
the Daily Mail, have you?

Oh, I dunno.
He just annoyed me with...

those big, black eyes
and that milk chocolate skin.

This fetish of yours borders
on the problematic, you know?

Yeah, well, now that he's become
a fully fledged vampire,

the Coven wanna k*ll me,
if I don't k*ll him first.

Why can't you mark him off
as your Progeny?

Because I've already done that
with you, haven't I?

You're only allowed one.

SHE SCOFFS, EXHALES

What happened to you, Kath?

You used to be a vampire
filled with pride and dignity,

and now you're just...
swimming around in your own squalor.

Yeah, well...

...it's not been easy, all right?

I don't doubt that, but...

Look, you'll never be able
to move forward,

unless you clean up in here
and... in here.

Look, I spent
a lot of the last 25 years

full of rage at what you did to me.

You know,
moving from place to place,

living in the gutter...

...becoming the monster
you turned me into.

But when I finally accepted
who I was,

I brought my faith
back into my life and...

...came to a better understanding
of the world.

You can live a good afterlife
as a vampire, Kath, trust me.

I don't know if I know how, Rish.

It's just been such a long time.

I know, Kath.

I know.

HE EXHALES

I can feel a 150 years of stress
in these bones.

SHE EXHALES

But... we can make a start
at breaking that down.

How?

You ever heard of the Tantra?

The thing that Sting does?

Well, yeah, but...
HE CLEARS THROAT

...much deeper than that.

There it goes.

It's OK?
Beautiful. I'll see you in a sec.

You're gonna... Yeah.

...say "hi".
AMRITA CHUCKLES

Sat Sri Akal.
Sat Sri Akal.

Sat Sri Akal.
SPEAKS OWN LANGUAGE

Bless you.

Is the food OK?
Everything all right?

Yeah, fine. It's good, thanks.
Do you guys want anything else?

I'm good, thanks. OK.

I'll be back in a sec.

Dracula tuxedo? Really?

You could've worn a turban
or a durag at least.

You're meant to be
my SIKH boyfriend.

Is he here yet?
SHE SIGHS

No, not yet.

But thanks for coming.

It means a lot to me.

Oh, my God. Abhijeet, you came!

Mum, Dad, Gurinder Auntie,
Sakshi Auntie,

Raminder Auntie,
Harbhajan Uncle,

you've got to meet
Amrita's boyfriend.

HE CHUCKLES
As-Salam...

THEY LAUGH NERVOUSLY
Er, yeah... Sat Sri Akal.

Hai, Amrita.
We thought you'd never find a man.

Kinna sohna munda.
Kitta se Punjabi bolti h*?

Er...
SING-SONG: Mundian To Bach Ke...

A little skinny, isn't he?

Er...
Bring the man some samosa.

Don't worry,
we'll put some colour in you.

Fix your colour.

SPEAKS OWN LANGUAGE

Oh, don't tell me
you can't handle your spice.

No, spice is fine,
it's just the garlic.

Sorry to interrupt,
that is a lovely turban.

Sim. Hey, sis,
it's time for our dance.

What? No-one's finished
their dinner yet.

DJ! Let's go, come on. Amrita.

Why are we doing it now?
SIM SCOFFS

OK, ladies and gents.

Let's put our hands together
for the beautiful bride

and the bridesmaids.

'Punjabi Mutiyaran'
by Jasmine Sandlas and Shehzad Deol

Ah, she knows I love this song.

Oh, Frank,
you promised you wouldn't come here.

Ah, come on, bru.
It's a classic Shah Rukh Khan move.

There's no way
she won't fall head over heels

when she sees
my "changing the light bulb".

APPLAUSE
Whoo!

Whoo!

Whoa...
Hey!

sh*t.
Who's the gora, Abhijeet?

Amrita's boyfriend, Frank.

He means friend... friend, Dad.

Abhijeet here
is obviously my boyfriend.

You can stop the act, darling.

Aise pyaar kartay.
Amrita?

I think our gora friend's confused.
I'm Amrita's real boyfriend.

Yeah.
I'm not a gora, all right?

I'm even converting to Sikhism.

It's just I can't quite grow
the beard yet.

Frank, will you just shut up?
No, you shut up.

Come here.
Just stop it, all right?

Just stop! Stop it.

Frank is not my boyfriend, and...

...Abhijeet here...

Abdulla here
is not my boyfriend either.

Amrita, you're embarrassing us.

I don't care, Dad. I don't care.

I am sick and tired
of living my life for other people.

GUESTS MURMURING

I didn't want this
to come out like this...

...but here it goes.

I'm leaving for...
Oi, oi, oi, listen up, yeah?

CROWD GASPS

I dunno if you've got to the part
where the guy's like,

"Speak now
or forever hold your tings,"

but man's got BARE objections
to this marriage.

Abdulla and Khadija
cannot get married

under any circumstances.

Shafi, what are you doing?

Can't you tell
this is a Sikh wedding?

Or are you as r*cist
as you are thick?

Give me that mic.
Give me the mic.

CROWD GASPS,
THEY GRUNT

I'm trying to save you.
I don't need saving.

MUSIC PLAYS,
THEY GRUNT

Brev.

Get off me, brev.
ABDULLA SNARLS

Agh!
GASPS

Brev!

Abs, Abs. Abs, Abs, come on.
What?

Abdulla, come with me.

Abs, we've got to go. Let's go.
Agh. Agh!

I knew it. Agh!