01x06 - The Shadow over Heathrow

[bunniefuu]

HE SNARLS

Ah!

MOANS WITH PLEASURE

Abs? Abs!

Abs!

Amrita.

Cab to your place, yeah?

OK?
Yeah.

Right, erm...

HE MOANS

What have I done? What have I done?

I can't control it any more!

The thirst!

NHS blood bags, my own cousin.

Who's next?

You? You, or my... or my own mum?

No.

I'm a vampire.

Ya Allah, I'm a f*cking vampire,
what do I do, Amrita?

Abs, Abs, listen to me,
you're gonna be OK.

You just need to hide out
for a bit, yeah?

I was gonna tell you.

But I've been offered
this placement in Australia.

Look, I didn't know
if I was gonna take it,

but after tonight...

why don't you come with me?

What are you talking about?

Australia.

You and me.

What about the... sunshine

and the casual racism and the...

Terrible food! Yeah.

All things that will be
a hell of a lot easier...

...if we face them together.

BOLLYWOOD MUSIC

Arrey wah, lovers running away
from a shaadi.

No!
Yes.

SHE CHUCKLES
Come on.

Allahu Akbar.

I sent Shafi to look for you.

And he found me.

And Kathy?

Your wife?

Gone.

We were never really together.

SHE GASPS

Shukar Alhamdulillah.

Ya Allah!

I hurt Shafi, Mum.

What do you mean you hurt him?

He was bleeding everywhere.
How?

I... bit him.

Did he taste good?
SHE CHUCKLES

I'm a monster, Mum.

You're not a monster, Abdulla.

You may not be the best Muslim,
but you're still my son.

You don't know what I've become,

or the things I've done.

I'm dangerous.

Stop it, Abdulla.
You're frightening me.

There are people after me.
What people?

Scary people.
What are you talking about?

And they'll hurt you too, OK?

I have to go away, Mum.
There's no other way.

No, no, no, no,
you're not doing this to me.

There's no other way, Mum.
No, you're not leaving me.

There's no other way.
No, first Rizwan, and then you!

No, you will not leave me!

No, look, I love you.
No!

I love you so much, I really do,
but I really have to go, OK?

It's the only way to keep you safe.

Please, Abdulla, where you gonna go?

Where you gonna go, OK?

Australia.

T-T-Tomorrow.
SHE GASPS

I'm so sorry, Mum, OK?

I'm sorry for everything.
Abdulla, please!

I'm really sorry.
Abdulla, no, wait!

Slow down, Bushra Auntie.

What's going on?

Who's going to Australia tomorrow?

Abdulla?
Australia? That's sick!

Them hench kangaroos will do him!

I'll call you back, Auntie,
I promise.

I came cos I thought you said
he was dying! What happened?

Er... Well, Shafi didn't want us
to tell you, but...

Abdulla sucked on your fiance's neck
like it was a Capri Sun.

SLURPS AND LAUGHS

Shafi, is this true?

Are you happy now, boys, yeah?

You pushed Abdulla
into living life by your rules

and look what happened.

Don't you get it, baby?

Go on, big man ting, tell her.
Abdulla is a...

I'm a...

Vampire.
MEN SQUEAL

Oh, my days,
how'd you guys get in here?

You called for us.

999 said it would be
a seven-hour wait.

You lot were quick!

Do you want us here or not?

Yo!

Argh, argh!

Still bleeding, my dear.

Yeah!
For a few hours now, come on.

He did try to lick it earlier,
I'm not gonna lie, bro.

You was moving crazy.
I couldn't help it, man!

I can feel it already. The thirst.

See what I mean?

He's gonna bite us!
Get off me, man!

That's rather curious,
as you're certainly not a vampire.

How are you so sure?

A single bite
only has a small chance

of transmitting vampirovirus.

There wouldn't be any bleeding
if you were.

Can we not encourage
this nonsense, please?

But we would like to know a little
about the one who did this to you.

Abdulla, I believe his name was?

Whoa, how did you know that, huh?

What, this some kind of
Prevent scheme you running, or what?

Nah, you know what,
if my stupid little cousin

just wants to get on a plane
and f*ck off to Australia

first thing tomorrow,
without telling me...

Yeah, true, bro!
...he's got another ting coming.

He's catching a flight, is he?

Yeah, not if I can help it.

Wait, you're not gonna take him in?
Come on!

He'll be fine, as long as he stops
all that... licking.

Dead paramedics!
So we're sure, yeah?

Boys, listen in.

We gotta k*ll Abs. Yeah, yeah.
Man's ready for anyting. Come on.

What do you mean k*ll? Like, dead?

If we can get to the airport
before he does tomorrow,

we can make sure
he never gets on that plane.

You know man has bare links
at Heathrow as well. That's true.

Shafi,
you can't be serious right now?

Baby girl, I love you,

but this community's more important
than anything.

Right, if we leave him alive,
who knows who he'll bite next?

Nobody! He's not a vampire!

You... You just need to tell him
there's a way back, yeah?

You need to forgive him.

Baby, you cannot be a Muslim
and a vampire, OK?

I won't let you do this.
I just... I can't.

Baby girl... Yo, yo, yo,
do you want me to stop her, bro?

Nah, it's fine.
Just let her go, man.

There's nobody stopping
Shafi the vampire slayer.

Come on! My guy! What a dialogue.
Yeah, man.

Come on, that was big.

Boo!

Hi!

You know, I fancied you
since the first day of...

Took you long enough
to say it, though, didn't it?

I had to wait for a white boy phase
to be well and truly over.

Oh, it's happened again!
Yeah.

THEY CHUCKLE

Can't you try the clear sun cream?

That's my passport,
and there's my ticket.

Please just step aside, sir.
What's going on?

Oh, this happens all the time,
flying while Muslim.

I'll check us in, all right?

See you at the gate.
See you.

I tried my best, you know?

I stunted his dating life
by sending him to a boys' school.

I gave him a fresh bowl cut
every year

so he was never at risk
of being popular.

I put aloo gobi
in his sandwiches so...

Shafi's gonna k*ll him
if we don't get to him first.

k*ll him? Why?
Cos of their little...

We need to find Kathy.

She's the one who started
all this, right?

Surely she knows what's going on.

Before we start, I should tell you
I had a pint for breakfast,

a bacon sarnie for lunch

and I don't give two shits
about Palestine.

HE CHUCKLES

sh*t, that normally works.

You aren't particularly vulnerable
gingers, are you?

No.

No, OK.

Reason for traveling?

Oh, me and my girlfriend
are moving to Australia.

So you're an immigrant?
We prefer the term ex-pat, actually.

Do you have extreme views
about our community?

Extreme views?

I've not been to the mosque
in months.

Are your loyalties divided?

I cried when England won the Euros.

Is this an attempt
to access benefits?

Benefits? No, I'm a doctor!

Are you infiltrating our coven
to bring it down from the inside?

Coven?
HISS

Haye Allah!

Argh! Oh!

We're terribly sorry, Dr Khan.

But if we let everyone
into the vampiric brotherhood,

well, being a vampire
wouldn't mean very much at all.

Let me go!

No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Forget the sensitivity training?
We were just finishing up.

See ya!

Oh, yes!

Oh! Oh, Rish!
KNOCK AT DOOR

Yes! Oh! Ah!

Aaaah!

I think you should get that.
KNOCKING CONTINUES

SHE SIGHS
Kath?

We're not finished yet!

Finishing's not the point
of tantric.

Just get the door!
Ugh.

Oh. It's Abdulla's mum
and the sweet-smelling lady.

Come to join in?

Oh, I... er...

It's Abdulla! We need your help.

Something's going down at Heathrow.

It's not my problem any more.

Please, Kathy, he's all I've got.

I wish I could help, Mrs Khan,

but, er...
I've got chakras to realign.

Please, Kathy, Kathy!

Kathy, please, open the door.

Who was that?
Oh, it's... it's nothing, really.

It's, erm... just the...
the Muslim kid, you know?

He's...

got himself into a little conflict
at the airport.

Typical, really.

So you're just gonna leave him?

You know the coven run that place?

Well, I didn't know
we'd be having so much fun.

Oh, Kath! What have I been trying
to teach you?

I didn't realise THIS was teaching.

Wellness, karma, vegetarianism,
it's all meaningless

if you're just gonna do exactly
what you did to me back in the '90s.

That's not the same!
There's nothing I can do for him.

You're my progeny.

If they k*ll him,
they'll k*ll you, too!

Yeah, maybe I just need
to accept that.

I've been around long enough.

And surely it's too late to s...

It's never too late
to spread a little love, Kath.

In this life or the next.

We're immortal, you f*ck.
We don't get a next life!

SHE GASPS

All the more reason
to make this one count, then, eh?

Unless...

Yeah.

Amrita, we need to get on the plane.
What's going on?

The coven are here!

Sun cream, sh*t!

I don't get it, what's wrong?

Look, you need to go on without me.
Abs, I can't.

Trust me, Amrita. Abs...

Go!
No, Abs!

Whoa!

Shafi?

Sun's out, g*ns in, huh?
Can't out-muscle me in the daylight.

Oh, God, you're one of them now too,
aren't you?

No. Argh!
Ugh.

Immune system's too strong
for that vampire sh*t!

What are you doing here, then?

I came to apologise, fam.

Might be a vampire,
but you're still a Muslim. Uh-huh.

And that makes you my brother. OK.

No matter what...
Yeah, that's great... great, Shafi.

We need to...
Ah!

Oh, sh*t!

Come on, bruv.

Look, we can hide in here.
Come, come, come, come, come.

Ah, no, what if I burn up?

You know, like in the movies,
when a vampire enters a church?

Abs, you are a Muslim vampire, OK?
If our religion is true,

the only place you're burning up
is in an actual mosque.

Are you sure
we can't go someplace else?

I need you to take
this leap of faith with me, yeah?

You have to step through,
for all Muslims everywhere.

Come on, bruv. I'm right here.

Bismillah.

Ah.
Allahu Akbar!

Allahu Akbar! Allahu Akbar!

I was right!
You can't scream that in an airport!

You really did think
I was gonna burn up, didn't you?

Not for a second, brother.

But it wouldn't have mattered anyway.

Get him, boys!
What?

Come on, come here.

You b*stard,
what the hell are you doing?

Sorry, cuz.
It's the only way, innit!

I trusted you, Shafi!

Get off!
Take this, vampire!

What the f*ck
would you bring a cross for, bruv?

We're Muslims.

My nan brought back
this Zamzam water back from Mecca.

Yeah, bang it, bang it, bang it.
Bang that, bang that.

I'm pretty sure that's just Evian,
you prick.

Why the f*ck didn't we bring
the stakes for, brev?

Cos you stuck it all
on the barbecue.

No, I mean...
Oh, mashallah.

Typical Shafi,
hasn't even done his homework

before hunting vampires.

Nah, man, shut up, I got this.

We're gonna have to strip him, boys.

Huh?

Strip him down, brev!

No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Erm, I'll go...

No, Auntie, we don't have time.

Let's go straight up here, yeah?
OK. OK.

HE CHUCKLES
Come on!

Maajid? Is that you?

Er... No, no, sorry.

Hey!
Wait!

Where is he?!
Where's... Where's who?

I-I-I don't...
My flight's about to leave!

Tell me where he is,

or I'll tell your mum what you
really put in your shisha pipe.

Eh?
Oh!

No, no, not me, Aunt...

Hey!

Internet says you gotta...

you gotta chop off his head
and burn the body.

Muslims don't burn bodies, brev.

Border Force! Hand him over!

Oh, wait, you man
are border security now?

We're whoever we need to be
to clear up any...

impurities in the bloodline.

Now, please, stand aside.

I'd rather die than hand over
a brother to the Home Office!

Hands off my boy!

Mum, no!

Shafi, they were too strong for me,

but I... I've got snacks.
I've got Boost.

Auntie Bushra?
She knows all our mums!

Get away from him, you b*tch... es.

Let go of me.

Let go of him! Now!
Auntie Bushy, stay back!

Mum, please!
HISSING

Don't you realise who we are?!

This is His Majesty's Vampire Coven!

Yeah, yeah, well, a real Muslim
never deserts one of their own.

Didn't you want to k*ll me
literally a minute ago?

I'm busy.

COUGHING

In use!

Let him go!
Auntie, please, please!

ALL SHOUTING

Unhand him! Unhand him now!

No, please!

Stop!

Everyone, please, stop!

Look, maybe these guys
are right, OK?

Maybe there was never meant to be
a Muslim vampire.

I mean,
I've never been the best Muslim,

and clearly I'm a terrible vampire.

Mum.

Amrita.

Even you, Shafi.

I-I-I know you want
what's best for me,

but, look, maybe there really is
no other way.

I don't want anyone
dying for my sake,

so, please, let me go.

Abs, stop, man!
You can't...

I-I-I love you, Mum.
But you have to let me go.

No, Abdulla, you can't do this!
Please...

Mum, Shafi?
Come on!

Abdulla!
Do your worst.

Abs, man!
Why is he doing this?

MURMURS PRAYER

Hold it right there!

f*cking hell.

Kathy and the Hindu vampire?

You just had to get involved,
didn't you?

Yeah, well, anything to f*ck with
the Bullingdon coven.

You can't k*ll us, Charlie boy.

Passport-holding vampires, we are!

You're no vampires.

Just a low class piece of scum
and a Paki...

HISS

How many times
do I have to tell you? I'm Indian.

He looks familiar.

You need to trust me now,
Mr Abdulla.

Remember what you're doing, Rish?

Yeah, I think so.
Let's go.

What's your name, son?
Abdulla. Abdulla Khan.

Right, then. On your knees.

Blood of my blood, I summon thee.

Abdulla Khan, thou art my progeny.

Urgh!

Ugh!

Blood of my blood.
Blood of my blood.

Blood of my blood!

Blood of my blood.

Blood of my blood!

Blood of my blood!

Namaste, you posh twats.

You can't k*ll him now!

THEY HISS

Oh, my God.

Rizwan?

Rizwan?

My father?

No, no, son. The term is maker.

Rizwan?

Rishi?

Oh, it is you!

You look so young!

Oh, Bushra!
Oh, my gosh, you look so...

...old.

So I'm half-Hindu now, too?

Haye Allah!