01x01 - Magic Moment

[bunniefuu]

f*ck it.

Yes.

Why don't more people do this?

I'm here for the interview.

There must be some way
I can earn this job.

This is an office?

Oh, the desk.

Whoa. Shredded wheat.

Game time.

f*ck.

Hold on, hold on.

All right, all right,
all right.

I'm coming. I'm coming.

- Wait.

Right. Hold on, honey.
Let me catch up. Hold on.

- All right, here we go.
- You're a dirty boss.

You're a dirty boss.
Yeah, right there.

Oh, f*ck.

Dude, beat it.
It's a closed set.

- You know what?

You're a part of this now. Whatever.

- You're staying.
- Yeah.

This is the weirdest room.

Yeah.

f*cking Beanie Babies? Dark.

- Mom is gonna be so mad at us.
- What?

I thought this was
a job interview!

- f*ck it, sis. Let's do this.
- f*ck yeah.

Pete.

- Peter.

Yahtzee!

f*ck.

Uh, dinner's almost ready.

I'm just gonna
throw these back in.

Peter, where are you going?

Oh, hey, Mom.

Uh... yeah, I just--

I--I think--
I think maybe we should just

take some time a part and maybe

not see each other
for a little while.

Please, Peter,
we're about to have dinner.

Are you still wearing
the shirt?

I'm gonna do Peloton
after dinner.

I'm not gonna ruin
another shirt.

- Come on. Sit down.

- We're having dinner.
- I gotta go.

We haven't seen you
in months.

Where could you possibly
have to go?

Change your shirt!

I can't believe
your mom saw your c*m face.

- I have a c*m face?
- Oh, 100% you do. Yes.

- What's it look like?
- It looks like

you're throwing up while trying
to solve a calculus problem.

It's like--

- Why are you being mean?

I'm f*cked up.
I came on my mother.

I'm gonna have to add another
therapist to the roster.

This is gonna be a core memory.
I'm f*cked.

How do you think
your mom feels right now?

She seemed weirdly fine
with it.

Alarmingly so.
Strong woman.

Was that her?

No, it's my f*cking grandfather.

He won't stop calling.

You should call
your grandpa back.

He's your grandpa. Come on.

I can't be around
my family right now.

It's just, like,
too f*cking weird, you know?

Yeah, guys tend to do that
after they finish.

Are you gonna stop
doing schtick?

- This is serious.
- This is what you do.

You run away from people
who love you.

I don't do that.

Every time
something gets intense,

it's like you cannot
get away fast enough.

- That's not true.
- Okay, yeah.

You don't do that.
You're right.

- You're totally right. Yeah.
- I don't. You're a liar.

So can we talk about,
like, how we broke up?

I'm gonna call you an Uber.
You made it very weird.

Peter, where the f*ck
are you?

You don't show up for dinner.
I'm calling you.

You make me chase you around
like you're a f*cking broad.

Answer the phone.

I Googled myself yesterday.

It was bad.

It was, like, really bad.

Like, I couldn't find
one good thing.

Nobody f*ck with me.

Hypebeast called you
the voice of a generation.

I'm just a f*cking--

I'm a ridiculous joke.

Did you get another
Roger the Alien tattoo?

Yeah, Ricky Spanish.

You can't keep
getting tattoos

put on, put back off, put on.

You're like that snake
eating its tail in a circle.

Ow!

- You liked it.
- I did like it.

Hey.

Sit down. I got you a drink.

So what's been going on?

What'd you do,
get another tattoo, Peter?

No, no,
I'm burning them off now.

Yeah.

All of them? That's too bad.

I always thought you were gonna
put some on your face.

I figured you get ba*ls
over here

and a c*ck coming down
your nose

right into your mouth.

Funny. No, no, yeah,
I don't know.

I just think
if I burn them off, you know,

maybe people will take me
more seriously.

It ain't the tattoos, Peter.

Well, I gotta change it up,
you know?

I gotta change the way
people see me.

People think I'm, like, a joke
for some reason.

They see you as a joke
because you are a joke.

You act like a f*cking joke.

You run around like a kid
and you're not a kid anymore.

You're a man.

Yeah, but I'm doing good
career-wise.

I mean, you know?

Hypebeast called me
a voice of a generation.

I don't think
that was a compliment.

You're unhappy
because all you do

is try to make yourself happy.

You should try to make somebody
else happy once in a while.

Do something for somebody.
Put a smile on their face.

You'll see.
There's big difference.

Try it.

- f*ck.
- Is that blood?

No, it's ketchup.

- But I am dying.
- What?

Yo, Pete, do you think
I can get a picture?

Yeah, sure.

Hey, man, you think
you can take this pic?

You know, kid, I was having
a private conversation

with my grandson,
and you come over here

and you don't say, "Excuse me."

You say that,
then you don't have to worry

about them taking your phone

and putting it in the bottom
of a root beer float.

- Dude.
- Get the f*ck out of here.

Take your phone
and shove it up your a*s.

Get the f*ck out of here.

This is the generation
you want to be the voice of?

- You're dying?
- What are you gonna do?

Should you be smoking?

What, you want me to stop now
because of that?

Not gonna do any good.

No, I mean, like, in here.

Like, in the diner.
Can you do that?

So, uh...

what are we gonna do
about this, huh?

About what?

"About what?"

What, you mean what we were
just talking about in there?

- You ask me?
- Yeah, I know--

I know you're showing

less than what you're feeling,
but I--

Yeah, well, you know, I try
not to think about it,

but where I come from,

if it's time for you to go,
you just go.

The f*ck can you do about it?

Well, what if I'm not ready
for you to go?

Eh, what if I'm not ready
to go?

Is there anything
you wanna do?

You know, the biggest thing
I want, Peter, is,

I never spend any time with you alone.

I don't know.

I just--I wanna get
to know you better.

You get to know me
before I'm not around.

So let's do that.

Well, then we gotta
get together.

We should do stuff.
You should see what I do.

Sounds like it's gonna be
a boys' night out.

Go out with a bang.

- A bang? Ooh.
- All right? Hmm?

Maybe a couple
of f*cking bangs.

"A couple of f*cking bangs."
Sounds good to me.

Investigators found
a gold-plated Zippo lighter

in Cory's bedroom, although...

Hey, so we gotta decide
if you're going

to the dermatologist
or the fitting.

What's wrong? You seem down.

My grandpa told me
he's dying today.

Yo, that's terrible, man.
I'm sorry.

- I love your grandpa.
- Yeah.

He's always asking me, like,
"What are you?"

That's him.

Was he the Italian one
or the Jewish one?

- The Italian one.
- That sucks.

Not that I wanted
the Jewish one to die.

I'm just saying, if I had
to make a choice--

Yeah, you don't.

He said he, like, wanted
to spend time with me

and have, like, a boys' night,
but what does that even mean?

Like, I don't know what to do.
This is what we do.

This is what the boys do
every night.

- Like, I don't do anything.
- A boys' night?

Sounds to me like
Grandpa wants to get laid, boy.

Why don't you get him
a prost*tute?

Oh! Well, I'll be.

Like, a tasteful prost*tute.
Like, a talented one.

One who really
makes you believe

that she's in love with you.

Well, he did say he wants me

to put a smile
on someone's face.

That's f*cking beautiful,
my G.

You're like a perverted genie
or something.

You like
a white Bagger Vance.

You be making wishes come true.
It's poetic.

Ugh.

This is gonna be my problem,
isn't it?

Do I have to do this?

Yes, that is your job.

It fits the job description, Evan.

I'm not really sure
that that's true.

Come on, man. You got this.

You're Evan, dude.
You're the best.

Do it, man. Be a man.

This is when boys turn to men.
Boys to men.

Okay.

Hey, hi.
It's--Donna, is it, right?

Hi, sweetheart.
How's it going?

Uh, it's going great.

- She got big t*tties?
- Uh...

So you want
to set up a party?

Yup. Party.

But it would be
for... not for me.

- For Joe.
- Okay.

Am I talking to Joe right now?

Oh, no, no, no.
I'm just helping set this up

for my boss,
but it's not for him either.

I have a really weird job.

It just, like,
keeps getting weirder.

Why don't we just
cut to the chase.

What do you want?

Just, like,
the standard fare.

But, like, gentle
and respectful

and, like, kind.

- What the f*ck is this?
- Gentle caressing.

- Tender kisses.
- Dude, do you know my grandpa?

Get the f*ck--
my Poppy doesn't want kind.

What are you talking about?

Hey, sorry about that.
Hey, what's up?

Oh, now I see
what's going on.

Listen, I have partied
with all kinds

of high-profile clientele.

No, no,
it's really not for me.

- It's for my grandpa Joe.
- I'll see you soon, okay?

- Bye, Grandpa.
- Bye.

- She seems nice.
- Yeah, she's really nice.

- Yeah, we're doing God's work.
- Yeah.

- There he is.
- Hey, Peter.

Yeah, you look like
the white Steve Harvey.

- You ready to go?

Well, hold on. Roy's coming.

What do you mean
Roy's coming?

You said it was
a boys' night out.

No, I didn't say that sh*t.

You said it.

Besides, he's your uncle.

He's not really my uncle.

Don't say that.
You'll make him feel bad.

You know his wife's just died.

That was, like,
eight years ago.

- Hello, Peter.
- Hey! Uncle Roy!

This is exciting.

I feel like I'm on "Entourage"

with the big movie star here.

Ah, Marla would've
loved this, huh?

Now this is how you make
a martini.

A little vermouth
and pour water in.

Shake it up again. A lot.

And voilà.
What do you think?

Or you can enjoy yourself
and get a buzz.

Hello. Excuse me.

I don't suppose you gentlemen
have a extra one of those

for a thirsty lady, do you?

- Are you the thirsty lady?
- Yes, I am.

They definitely got
another one for you.

Oh, nice. I'm Donna.

- I'm Joe.
- Nice to meet you.

- This is my friend Roy.
- Hello.

- Pleasure.
- My grandson Peter.

- Peter, nice to meet you.
- Hello, Donna.

Roy, why don't you

give Donna your seat?

I like this seat.

Why don't you get the f*ck
over here so I can talk to you?

All right.

- Thank you.
- This is nice.

- Okay.
- Here you go, Donna.

Look at--thank you.

I kind of wanted this
to be a, you know,

special night for me and Pops
'cause, you know,

he's not feeling so well
and he's--

- You're a prost*tute.
- What?

Do you know
that she is a hooker?

No offense, darling.
You're beautiful.

- No offense taken.
- That's not nice.

That's a very mean thing
to say.

Is this your big takeaway
from our conversation?

I don't know what to do.

You take me to lunch
and tell me you're dying?

I scrambled.

I thought maybe your last wish
was some p*ssy.

- I don't know.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Oh, excuse me.

I'll let you boys
hash this out.

- Be back in a minute.
- Um...

What the f*ck is it with you?

Roy, you believe this?

My grandson thinks
I need a hooker to get laid.

- I didn't know.
- What, are you kidding?

Your grandpa was
the Wilt Chamberlain

of Staten Island.

First of all, ew.

Hey, if I tattooed

every girl that I ever banged
on my body,

I'd be f*cking "Memento"
over here.

Who's Memento?

What did you think
was gonna happen?

What if I fell in love
with her?

Yeah, Pete,
you're playing with fire.

- And I'm fire.
- You certainly are.

- Yeah, you are.

Well, we're here.
We might as well have some fun.

I'd like to make a toast

to the most handsome gentlemen
in this joint.

Where are they?

What do you mean, a clown?
A real clown?

Honk, honk. Yeah.

Hey, man, can I get a picture
with you?

Hey, bartender, give me
a root beer float over here.

Personal joke.

I'm glad you guys are
having fun

'cause it did cost 5 grand
for the Sinatra suite, so--

- $5,000 for a suite?
- Yeah.

- For a hooker?
- Sinatra better be in there.

- Here it is.
- Two doors.

Oh. Oh, nice.

Wow, the Sinatra suite, huh?

If these walls could talk,
they'd press charges.

- Yup.

Just--this is it too?

- Yup. Go nuts.
- Don't tell me.

- Oh, my God.
- Are you kidding me?

Gummy bears in a crystal dish?
This is so swanky.

And you got strawberries
and champagne.

Peter, you watch
too many movies.

- Is this f*cking classy, huh?
- Where'd you get that?

I feel like Daddy Warbucks.

Well, I was an orphan.

- All right.

Oh, look at that.

This is fun.

I'm really glad
that we did this.

You put a smile
on my face tonight.

You made Roy happy.
We had a great time.

Speaking of Roy, where is he?
Where's Donna?

- They're in the bedroom.
- Holy sh*t.

You think they're,
like, having sex?

No, they're watching

the f*cking Giants,
you meathead.

Come on. What do you think?

Not to bring the mood down
or anything, but, you know,

it just gets me to thinking,
I don't know what I'm gonna do

when you're gone.
I'm gonna have nobody.

You're gonna start
with that mushy sh*t again?

No, it's just, you know,

I don't know
what I'm gonna do without you.

- You know?
- Peter.

Who gives a f*ck
about tomorrow?

It's gonna come no matter
who's here and who's not here,

so don't worry about it.

At least your plan worked
for somebody.

- Let's get the f*ck out of here.
- Let's go.

Ow! Oh, oh! Ow, ow, ow!

- Okay.
- I don't know. What is it?

Donna, Roy,
are you guys okay?

- No, he is not okay.
- I can't move.

- It's my hip dysplasia.
- Oh, my dog has that.

- Porky?
- Should I call an ambulance?

No, no. No, I'll be okay
in a few hours.

I'm sorry I can't finish
the job, sweetheart.

- Peter.
- Yeah.

Go over there.
See if you can help him.

Oh, that's okay, darling.
It's very common, actually.

f*ck is wrong with you?
Help him up.

- All right, come on.
- All right, you ready?

Careful. He's inside of me.

- Hey, kiddo.
- Yeah?

Why don't you just

rock me back and forth
for a couple minutes,

and then I think
I'll be all set.

Are you
out of your f*cking mind?

Come on.
Give me a little help here.

Absolutely not!
Dude, no f*cking way.

Peter, come here.
Let me talk to you a sec.

- Where you going?
- You're leaving?

- Wait.
- Just a second, lovebirds.

No. No. come back.

There's no way.

This is your chance

to really do something
for somebody.

What do you want me to do?

Provide the thrust.

Pro--provide the thrust?

Yeah, give him a little help.
That's all he needs.

Once he gets going,
he'll be all right.

It'd be easy for you.
Push him, you know?

- A little boom.
- I don't want to do this.

I know
you don't want to do it.

Who the f*ck
would want to do it?

But just do it. We're here.

You want to ruin
boys' night now?

- No, boys' night is over.
- No, it's not over.

I took you guys
out to dinner.

We had a nice time.
Roy got half laid.

It's over.
It's time to go home.

This is your chance

to really do something
for somebody.

Make somebody else
f*cking happy

instead of yourself
all the time.

Yeah, I meant, like,
I don't know,

watching the game together,

not helping your friend
f*ck a prost*tute.

You could do it, Peter.
Do it.

Roy, you sure
this is what you want?

- You'd be doing me a mitzvah.
- There's your answer.

I know you don't want to do it,
but just f*cking do it.

All right, come on. Let's go.

Well, I'm not gonna do it.
You do it.

- You're not gonna help?
- He's my f*cking friend.

- So what?
- It's disgusting.

You could do this sh*t.

You've done worse things
than this.

Don't bullshit me.

- Go f*cking do it.

- Be a man.
- I am. f*ck you.

Donna, are you cool with this?

100%. Hoist him up.

Fantastic.

Let's get it.

- All right, you ready?
- Okay.

- Yeah.
- Gently. Gently.

Okay, okay.

- Okay, good.
- There you go.

- Good. Get a groove going.
- There you go.

All right, all right,
all right.

Maybe don't talk.

Oh, I feel like
a Make-A-Wish kid.

Oh, Marla would've loved this.

Oh, she's right here
with us, baby.

- She's right here.
- God, I hope not.

Okay, okay. Come on.

- Give me some juice, Petey.
- You feel so good.

I am, dude.
You're f*cking huge.

- Yeah, he is.
- Well, that's my knee.

I'll tell you,
will you excuse me a second?

I'll be right back.

- Oh, wait. Ooh, gentle.

- What's up?
- Is this how you f*ck?

What?

Why don't you
put your back into it?

We're all adults here.
Now put me back in.

- Oh, oh. Okay, right there.
- Okay.

- Wait, no, that's--okay.
- Gentle. Oh.

- Okay. Okay.
- You in?

- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Let's do this, baby.
- Go!

- Here we go.
- All right.

- And we're rocking.
- Okay.

- Yeah.
- Cooking with gas.

You know,
you're a very sweet kid.

You're very misunderstood.

Right to heaven.
I'm going right to heaven.

Oh, God.

There's a lot of love
in this room right now.

I can't believe I'm having
sex with Pete Davidson.

- Shut the f*ck up.
- All right.

- Hey, you want some lasagna?
- Yeah.

Just hurry up. I'm starving.

- How long I put it in?
- I don't know.

I have no idea
how to work that thing.

- We could eat it cold.
- Cold it is.

We eat it cold
every other day.

My goodness,
you guys were out late.

- Hey.
- How was the evening?

- Fun.
- Did you heat this up?

- No.
- Oh.

Let me heat this thing up.

It's gonna taste even better
than it did before.

What'd you guys do?

Nothing.
We just--we had a boys' night.

A boys' night out. You know?

- Boys' night out.
- What guys do.

Yeah, yeah.
It was just guy stuff.

Yeah.

Yeah, guy stuff.

I don't know anything
about that.

Don't do that.

- What was that?
- What was what?

- That.
- Nothing.

What the f*ck
is going on here?

- Nothing!
- She did something.

Well, no, wait.
What did you guys do?

Nothing.
When I said nothing...

I mean, it's guy stuff.
We had a good time.

We danced, laughed,
Roy had fun.

- Roy had a f*cking ball.
- Yeah.

Wow, something--all right,
something's up.

Listen, guys, why can't we
just keep secrets?

Why can't we be a normal family
that's healthy?

- I want to know what happened.
- Nothing happened.

- What did you guys do tonight?
- We didn't do anything.

What's the big secret?

You want to know
what happened?

I came on her the other morning

and I helped Roy
f*ck a prost*tute, okay?