01x04 - Crispytown

[bunniefuu]

So they are pulling the offer
on "The Fast and the Furious."

What? Why?

Because you were photographed
doing whippets

at the White House
Correspondents Dinner.

It's on "Just Jared."

Dude, everyone there was drunk.

You're 29.

Who does whippets
outside of high school?

It was with the Avengers, okay?

Like two of 'em.

- Who?
- Cool ones.

Like from the first movie.

How do we fix this?
Can he do a charity event?

Or...

Do people know what happened
to his father?

On 9/11?

- Ma...
- Look, Pete,

we just have to prove that

you can show up to a place
on time,

do your job
with zero catastrophes.

Yeah, guys, I'm not that bad.

You're treating me like
I'm an island boy.

Listen.
We'll do whatever it takes.

Good.

Vin Diesel's daughter is a fan.

She's having a birthday party
on a yacht this weekend.

If you could perform there
on time and sober,

I think they'd reconsider.

Pete, I know you can do this.

It's a birthday party
for a kid, guys.

I think I got this.

It's in Florida.

- Oh, for God's sake.
- What?

Oh, Florida is where
you were at your worst.

It's everything wrong with you
in one state.

Look. I'll be good, okay?
I'll get the movie, all right?

I'm glad to hear

that you are open
to making the right decision,

but I'm a bit concerned

because you're doing nitrous
right now.

Just do the show

without attracting
any attention to yourself.

I don't want to see
a single paparazzi photo of you

acting stupid in Florida, okay?

Okay.

- Evan.
- Yeah?

I need you to put this on Pete.

Uh, what... what is it?

It's a tracking device.

I need to know where he is

and what he's doing
at all times.

I'm also sending Poppy and Roy
with you guys.

What?
W-why?

There's some sandwich
Poppy wants

one last time before he dies.

Is this...
Is this really necessary?

This is Florida.
We cannot be too careful.

Okay.

Gilly.

Take it easy, bro.
It's a rental.

Hey,
who's all those friggin' guys?

- Those are the boys.
- Boys go everywhere with him.

Hey, Amy,

who's that supermodel
standing there with you?

Hey, Roy.

She knows my name.

- Yo.
- Yo, Petey.

Lotta a*s out in Florida
right now.

I'm checking my Bumble, dude.

I might have some
f*cking p*ssy this weekend.

Also, you're
in my profile picture,

so that's helping quite a bit.

I DM'd Chris Evans.

Dude, I told him
I was with you guys,

and he was like, "Cool."

Okay, everybody ready to go?

Roy are you sure you know
how to drive that thing?

Oh, I'll figure it out.

Sorry!
I'll get someone to fix that.

Hey, Ma.
What are you doing?

Pete and Poppy are on 95
right now.

They are going 12 miles
over the speed limit.

Okay, okay.
This is disturbing, okay?

You need to stop stalking Pete
like the rest of the world.

What am I, chopped liver?
Come on.

Let's go out.
Let's do something.

What do you wanna do?

I wanna go out to dinner.
Come on.

We should be taking advantage

of the fact
that Pete's not here.

Enough.
He's a grown man, okay?

So, uh, so, what... what'd
you do before you retired?

I was in the export business.

- Negotiator-slash-courier.

Kinda sounds
like you were in the CIA.

Joe tell you that?

What?

Hey,
no doobies in the f*cking car.

I won't be able to breathe.

f*cking guys.
Damn it.

No problem.

We don't got to get high
to have fun.

- Right, boys?
- Right.

We just gonna watch TV
and eat these gummy bears.

You got gummy bears?

Crillz, mm-mm.

What?

- Have a little more, yeah.

- Way to go.
- Good?

- Yeah, tastes all right.
- Okay.

You might wanna take it easy
on those.

He's gonna be
in the stratosphere, n*gga.

So what do you guys do?

I love your grandson.
That's what I do.

Yeah.
Me, too.

- I also make acai bowls.
- I'd k*ll for him.

Where the f*ck
you find these assholes?

- Staten Island.
- Change my name,

move to Michigan...

f*ck, it's my agent.

What's up?
You okay?

Someone's leaking sh*t.
It's the paparazzi again.

- Sounds like you got a rat.
- Really?

You think someone would rat
on me?

Well, you surround yourself
with garbage, you attract rats.

Uh, no offense, guys.

Nah, I get it.

I don't.

Ugh, I'm getting tired
over here.

I'll take a little nap.

Yo, those some badass glasses.

- You like 'em?
- Yeah.

- You wanna try 'em on?
- f*ck yeah.

There you go.

- How do I look?
- Yeah, you look good, my G.

Yeah, yeah.

Ah.

Good night, sweet prince.

I don't even think
she put our names down.

You know,
let's just go to Danino's.

Let's go.

You know what? f*ck this.
We're getting in.

Excuse me, sorry.
I'm sorry. Sorry.

Okay, that's great.
Thank you.

She's giving us a table.

What did you do?

Told her Pete was coming.

Well, look at you.

Right this way, ladies.

I feel disgusting.

I'm not hungry anymore,
but I still need a drink.

Psst.
Pete.

So I've got this movie idea

I been writing down in my notes.

Have you?

So we start off
on a dark and rainy day.

There's a man
in a ten-gallon hat,

smoking a cigarette.

He looks down and sees
his shoes are untied.

He ties his shoes
and then walks to the casino.

Is he gonna play blackjack?

Is he gonna put the money
back in his pocket

and go home to his wife?

Does he have a wife?

What the f*ck
are you talking about?

If you are telling me
that no one at work knows,

like, do they even know
that I'm your mother?

Yeah, announce it
to the whole hospital.

Oh, hey,
my brother's really famous.

That's all
you should talk to me about.

Oh, so you don't like
all the attention?

No, I just like
having one place in the world

where I get to be Casey,
not Pete's sister.

I was on a date once,
and the guy was like,

"I'm so sorry for all
that your brother went through

when his dad died."

Who's the sensitive mystery man?

Okay, um, do you know
what it's like

to have people
constantly ask you

about your brother's d*ck?

So your friends are
interested in him.

See?
That's what he needs.

Like, a nice, normal,
average girl.

- Like you!
- Average?

No. You know, I mean...
Not these starlets, you know,

that do yoga.

Okay, stop talking about Pete.

Which one are you?

I'm Dave.

Mr. Larocca said there
was something about me

he just didn't like,

so I have to stay up here
the rest of the trip.

Uh-huh.

Hi. I hope
you're enjoying everything.

Yes.

Uh, but at this point,

your guest probably
isn't arriving,

and we're gonna need this table.

I'm sorry, do you have
any idea who my son is?

Timothée Chalamet. Yeah.

We're the Chalamets!

And I...
I am Pete Davidson's mother.

I just told you I don't want...

I am.
That's his sister.

And you're not gonna
usher us out of here

like we're sort of
normal people.

- All right?
- All right.

I'm the queen of Staten Island!

Okay, okay, come on.

Marisa Tomei played me
in the movie!

So then he takes the playing
card out of his hat,

the Ace of Spades,
and that's his name.

Ace f*cking Spade.

You gotta work on that pitch.

It's just a lot
of stage direction.

- The f*ck?

Yo, how'd they know I'd be here?

I don't know. I-I used
your fake name, Tostito Jones.

They're probably here for me.

I just shot my second episode
of "Blue Bloods."

Fame move fast.

It's your rat.

- f*ck.
- f*cking rat.

Let's do this. Let's go.

Yeah, yeah.

- No more pictures!
- Oh, sh*t!

- What's going on?

- Holy sh*t.

Hey, what's up, boys?
Welcome to Miami!

305. That's the area code.
Y'all ready to get Crispy?

- Come on. Let's go.
- Welcome to Miami.

Who the f*ck is that?

Hey, no pictures, no pictures!

Yeah, please.
Don't do that.

I'ma take care of everything
for you.

One second.
I just gotta get the keys.

I already got it, boss.
Room 427, the Kid Rock suite.

Hold on.
Do you work here?

Is that true?
It's called the Kid Rock Suite?

I mean, it's just the room that

me and Kid Rock
did a bunch of coke

and made love to this woman
and it was mad romantic.

- I don't like this guy.
- Yeah?

Well, I don't like this guy, either.

Crispy!

Oh, I like those glasses.
Can I try 'em on?

No.

Come on,
move your crunchy f*cking a*s.

Lady?

Oh, yeah. And by the way,
my name is Crispy.

I got all the best jewelry
in Southern Florida.

Hit me up.
I'll hook you guys up.

Oh, my sh*t is way better
than Lou's Diamonds.

Lou's Diamonds can suck my d*ck
from the back.

Crispy!

This is f*cking awesome!

That's what I'm talking about,
dude!

These movies are f*cking sick, man.

Vin Diesel is like
Martin Scorsese.

The two share the same photo
in my head.

How can you love this
and not "Endgame"?

I mean, Doc Brown's DeLorean
makes more sense

than Dominic Toretto's Charger.

This is a dumb debate, okay?

Action beats sci-fi every time.

It's just mindless fun.

Like, that's the beauty
of these movies.

You don't have to follow
a story.

- There's no logic.
- That's right.

Just strap in,
wait for 'splosions.

Yeah, I got a f*cking hand job

to "The Fast and the Furious"
once.

- Oh, hey!

Hey,
I got locked out of my room.

- Can I use your shower?
- Yeah, dude.

Where the f*ck did you go
last night?

Where, indeed.

Where, indeed.

The f*ck
happened to your face, dude?

See ya at breakfast.

Classic Dave.

This OJ is mad pulpy.

- Yeah. That's coffee.
- Thanks.

- I'll get the next one.
- Cool.

- Hey! Morning! There he is!

What happened to your face?

I made it right.

What are you guys doing?

Roy's coming with the car

and we're gonna go
have the Cuban sandwiches.

You forgot?

Oh, we're gonna stop
at Crispy's first.

We'll get, like,
the sandwiches later.

You're gonna see that as*h*le?

Yeah, it'll be fun.

You don't even
know the f*cking guy.

Hey, Pete,
I-I don't think we have time.

He's, like,
totally in the wrong direction.

What are you talking about?
We gotta go.

We gotta go to Crispy's.

We can't miss this party.

When a guy like that walks
into your life,

you kinda just gotta go
along with it.

When in Rome,
you do as the Romans do.

That was originally a threat.

Quando a Roma.

All right, guys. Come on.

Hey.
Listen to me.

Whatever happens to him,
I do to you.

Y-you mean, like, only, like,
the bad stuff, right?

Yeah, just the bad stuff.

Looks pretty cool, huh?

Hey, let's just, like,
keep the car running.

Man, f*ck you.

Pete, wouldn't it be funny
as, like, a bit,

you bought us these watches
as a, like,

'cause they're so dumb?

I would get the dumbest one
as a bit.

Hey, Pete. I think this is,
like, a really weird situation.

We're in a gas station
that sells necklaces.

Yeah, yeah,
let's get the f*ck outta here.

Lock the f*cking safe, Raoul!
Ah!

Oh, sh*t!
Pete, you made it!

Oh, baby,
I knew you was a real one!

Take it in, baby.
Crispy Diamonds, world-famous.

I built this place
with my bare hands.

Huh?
It's crispy, right? Huh?

- Yeah, man.
- Let's get you hooked up.

Yeah, uh, we just,
you know, wanted to come by,

say hello,
and check out the place.

It's real cool, but we gotta
get going for a gig, so...

What do you mean?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

You're gonna drive
all the way out to see me

and not check out
all the crispies?

You know I got the crispies.
Come on, you can't leave.

Just give me one more chance,
all right?

Look, I got the Instagram wall.

You can take a picture in front
of the famous Instagram wall!

Sorry, man.
We gotta go, but...

You know what? You're right.
This place is a sh*thole.

I'm gonna take you to someplace
really crispy.

I got another place.
It's five minutes away.

We could get there
in 20 minutes.

Just give me one second to
call my friend and hook it up.

Glenda, will you get 'em
some tap water?

Glenda? Glenda?

She's in a K-hole!
I'll be right back.

So we're, like, going to,
like, a second location?

Yeah. He said
it's, like, extra crispy.

Yeah, welcome
to the Crispy compound, boys.

I rented this place out to
Diplo once for a foam party,

if you guys wanna watch
the Ring footage later.

- Take it in, boys!
- Wow.

This place is sick, man.
We should've came here first.

- Make yourselves at home.
- Wow.

That... that was, like, literally,

like, a two-hour drive.
We are so f*cked.

f*ck.

Pete, you should buy
this f*cking moose.

I'm not selling a f*cking thing!

- Dad, you're embarrassing me.

Crispy!

Your name is Ben!

Shh!
Come on!

You and your friends
can take a look around.

Don't touch anything
or you're dead.

Come on, Pete.
I wanna show you something.

Okay.

I'm so sorry.
My dad's so embarrassing.

I don't even know
if he's my biological dad.

He raised me, but we never
really known if he...

Hey, uh, Mr. Crispy, uh,

Pete's has to get to this show
before this boat leaves.

His career kind of depends
on it.

Okay, I'm sorry.
Excuse me.

Are you, like, the manager
or the agent or something?

'Cause what the f*ck do you
keep interrupting me for?

Seriously? I just need
a couple minutes with him.

Okay, look, I'm sorry, look.

Please, pretty please
with sugar on top

just give me two seconds,
we'll be right back.

- That's all I need!
- We're almost done.

Okay? Just two minutes.
Huh? I care about stuff, Pete.

- That's cool, man.
- I care about stuff, Pete!

- Sick, bro.
- Yeah, this this is so...

I mean, look,
you got the leather crisp,

the air conditioning
gets extra crispy.

Of course, the GPS, in case
you wanna go to Crispytown.

Oh, f*ck!
The paps are back.

How do they keep finding us?
I don't get it.

Oh, sh*t.

Well, if you want, we could
get the f*ck outta Dodge.

- That'd be great. How?
- In the Dodge.

Crispy!

Hey, f*ck you, Dad!

What just happened?

You know what the f*ck
just happened.

What are you waiting for?
Get the f*ck outta here!

Go!

- Let's go, baby.
- Let's ride.

f*ck it! Let's do this.

Hey, what are we doing here?

Why are we doing this?
We're all chasing this guy?

For a picture?
And this is the car?

Did you decide this?
I'm bigger than the car.

We cooking today, boy!

Save this n*gga, Pete!

Oh, sh*t!
They're following you?

- f*ck!
- "Page Six" and "Just Jared"!

You just keep driving,

and I'm gonna smoke
these jive turkeys.

No, it's fine!
They can just take my picture!

Oh, no!

There's f*cking g*ns!
Crispy, no!

Both: Oh, sh*t!

- Keep it straight!

Don't do that!
Please! Please!

The f*cking pickles.
That's the secret.

Unbelievable pickle.
Watch. You'll see.

- Holy sh*t.
- Mm-hmm.

That's a pickle.

Oh, sh*t!
They're coming around that way!

He's gonna sh**t!
He's sh**ting at us!

- Excuse me!
- Oh, no. God!

- Let me take care of this.

You f*cking k*lled a guy!

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

We are gonna be
so f*cking late to the show!

I don't think the Cubans
are known

for their cu-zeen,
I'll be honest with you.

For their what?
Cu-zeen?

I don't the Cubans
are known for their food.

- You said cu-zeen.
- Cu-zeen. That's right.

- It's not coo-zeen?
- Okay, well...

I'm not saying...
Maybe it's...

It's cu-zeen.

It's coo-zine or cu-zine?

Cu-zeen.

Gilly, what the f*ck

is going on back there?

That guy dead?

Guys, I'm gonna be
honest with you.

This f*cking sucks!

Evan, how you feeling
over there, huh?

Guys, this is not good!
Guys, what do we do?

How the f*ck
are we talking to each other?

Now it's time
for the heavy a*tillery.

The Nick Cannon, baby!

- Watch your hair!
- Oh, what?

- Oh, f*ck.
- What the f*ck?

- No.

- The ultimate crispy!
- No!

Don't k*ll my friends!
Please don't k*ll my friends!

What is that?
Both: Bazooka!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God. I think I k*lled
that crispy to death.

Crispy!

- Yeah!

This is insane.

I can't believe this
ended up being

kind of the coolest sh*t I've
ever seen in my life, dude.

- Yeah!

Yeah, baby!

Oh, f*ck!

- Whoo!
- Yeah.

Oh, f*ck!

f*ck, did we just k*ll somebody?

All right, m*therf*ckers.
It's been real.

If y'all ever in the 305 again,
you know who to call,

but I change my number, like,
every two weeks,

Hot boy sh*t.
Whoo!

Crispy.

All right,
we're shutting it down.

I'm getting sober now.

No more drugs.

You made back-to-school
pancakes?

Mm-hmm.

I know it seems like I pay

so much more attention to Peter,

but honey, you are always
in my thoughts.

And so now, I'm gonna
make sure to show you that

- every single day.
- Okay.

I need you to tell me

exactly what you're
talking about right now.

Oh, it's nothing for you
to worry about.

It's all for the best.

So I'm just supposed
to live in fear?

No, you can rest assured

that your mother is keeping
a watchful eye on you.

Do I have a transmitter
in my body right now?

Oh, please.
That's ridiculous.

It's just your phone,
your car, and your key fob.

Point is, I'm now going
to interfere in your life

just as much
as I interfere in Peter's.

So listen,

I went onto Instagram,
and I found out

all the other people
who work at your hospital,

and I have identified
your handsomest supervisors.

No.

All right?
Let's start with Patrick.

Married.

How 'bout Brian?

Oh, I see a pause there!

I know what I gotta do.
I gotta slide in some DMs.

f*ck.

I mean, it doesn't make sense.

I'm glad we made it,

but something's
still f*cking pissing me off.

Like, how the f*ck do they keep
finding us?

How do they all know
our location?

Oh, sh*t. Uh, Pete,
I gotta tell you something.

Your mom has been
tracking your location.

- What?
- Whoa!

- Your mom's the rat, dude.
- You think?

Definitely, dude.
He just said it.

- I don't know.
- My mom's a rat?

She's definitely the rat.

You guys don't think
she would do that to me, right?

We should k*ll her.

Peter.

Come on.
I wanna talk to you a minute.

What's up, what's up?

You're gonna k*ll your mom?
Your mom is a f*cking rat?

I don't know what to do.

Shut the f*ck up.

What are you, f*cking stupid?

Yes.

Yeah, I think so.
I wanna show you something.

Look at these pictures.

Every place we went,
the paparazzi were there.

Look at everybody's face,

how surprised
and shocked we all were.

Not this big, fat f*ck.
Look at this face.

He looks happy.
What do you mean?

What's wrong with that?

"What's wrong with that?"

That's your f*cking rat.

He's like he knew there
was gonna be paparazzi here.

He looks like he's ready
to walk the f*cking red carpet

like he's gonna win
a f*cking Emmy or something.

- Gilly's the rat.
- That's your f*cking rat.

What do I do?

I can't take care
of everything for you.

You just get rid of him.
That's all.

Thanks, Pop. You're, uh...
You're part of the crew now.

I don't want
to be part of your crew.

f*ck your crew.

Just do this
and take care of your own sh*t.

All right.

Can I talk to you for a sec?

Yeah.

Just, like,
over there in private?

Yeah.

'Sup, dude?

"'Sup dude" me.
I know it was you.

- f*ck. I didn't do anything.
- You sold me out.

- I didn't sell you out.
- Yeah, you did.

You sold me out. My Poppy
told me you sold me out.

You're gonna listen to that guy?

- Yeah!
- Why?

He's my f*cking grandfather!

What the f*ck is that, dude?

Why would he lie?
What'd you do?

- I didn't do anything.
- Just tell me what you did!

All right.

There was a girl
at the "Daily Mail."

Got a weird thing going.

I wanted f*cking to have sex
with her, dude.

So I told her where you were
a bunch.

That's what I'm worth?
You sold me out for a blow job?

It was head.

Do not let this ruin our
f*cking future together, dude.

What?

You know what I'm talking about.

We started from the bottom,
dude, and now, we're...

- We're here, we're here!
- No, we didn't!

I've known you
for like three months!

I was pretty low, dude!
That was my bottom!

Dude, it's over.

Dude, don't f*cking
tell anybody about this.

Don't tell Chris Evans.

Don't f*cking
touch your phone, dude.

Do not tell Chris Evans
about this.

I just told him.

Chris!

Dude, it's over.
Go home.

We're friends, dude.

We're, like,
tight friends, dude.

It's not about friends,
it's about family.

You're not family.
Now get the f*ck outta here.

Shall we?

There you go. Thank you.
I'm proud of you, Peter.

I love you, Poppy.

Where's Gilly going?

- He lives in Miami now.
- Oh?

- He was the rat.
- Oh...

Slap him in the face,
you weird, little man!

Yes! Yes!

Yeah, not sure what
that means, but we won.