01x05 - For Your Amusement

[bunniefuu]

You know, um,
I'm ready to be a dad.

I've been thinking about it,
and I think it's finally time.

It's all I've ever wanted
since I was little.

And I can't keep waiting to
meet the right girl, you know?

I gotta take action.
I gotta take charge.

I gotta do this myself
'cause it's for me, right?

So I just...

think I'm ready
to have a little Petey.

What do you think?

You're getting very good
at this.

I almost believed

that you believed the line
of sh*t you were giving me.

Is it that crazy
that I want to be a dad?

- Yeah, Peter.
- Why?

Because every guy
who has a family,

he's f*ck' fantasizing
about having your life.

- That's why we hate you.
- We?

You know I love you,
but if I could,

I'd k*ll you and wear your skin

just so I could
bang supermodels.

I just--I just wanna
be there for a child.

- I wanna have a child.
- Okay, take mine.

And she'll do it
for the checkmark.

I don't want Angela.
I want my own fresh one.

- I wanna dress it all swaggy.
- All right. All right.

Okay, listen to me,
can we please talk about this

when you're not
being a drug addict?

User, Uncle Tom.
I'm a drug user, okay?

And maybe if I had a kid,

hey, maybe I wouldn't
use drugs so much.

Maybe it'll teach me
to channel my inner chaos

and give my life meaning
or some sh*t.

- I don't know.
- Bro, what the f*ck

are you talking about?
Look at me. I'm a dad.

Do I look like
my life has meaning?

Pete, you're not ready, okay?

You can't just go
and have a family, okay?

That means no more partying,
no more drugs,

no more drinking,
no more friends.

You can't have friends.

Have you ever seen me
with a friend?

No jets to Turks and Belize
or whatever the f*ck.

Look, I know you dream
about k*lling yourself.

That's out the window.

I don't know what else to do,
Uncle Tommy, okay?

I've done everything.

I'm f*ck' running out
of options, all right?

And I talked to my--

I talked to my therapist,
and my therapist thinks

that it's a good idea.

- It may be healthy for me.
- Oh, yeah?

- You know, yeah.
- Well, your therapist needs,

like, a f*cking kick
in the ba*ls, okay?

Nobody ever had their life
become better

because they had kids.

f*ck.

Is that crooked?

Yeah, a little.
Yeah, yeah.

Ah, f*ck.
That's two weeks of my life.

Here. Take it.

Just be careful with it.
The handle's sharp.

Oh, both are sharp.

- Hey.
- Yeah?

Never forget.

1992.

- Sexiest Man on Staten Island.
- That's right.

Paul Montello
and Kyle Hennesy.

- Never forget.
- Never forget.

This guy doesn't know what
the hell he's talking about.

Having a baby would solve
all of your problems.

Did you tell him
about how it would,

like, channel your chaos?

It would
give your life meaning?

Yeah,
I told him exactly that.

I don't think he knows
what he's talking about.

So do you know
who you'd like to have it with?

Is there somebody special?

Well, I think
I'm just gonna have it myself,

but Nikki said
she'd, you know,

- sell me one of her eggs, so...
- Sell?

Yeah, well, you know,
she went to Harvard, so it's--

it's like a--
it's an elite egg.

I don't know,
if you're gonna buy the eggs,

you might as well go big.

Kelly Clarkson.
Oh, my God.

That baby would be so talented!
Can you imagine?

She's sing and, you know,
do other things.

Yeah, I don't think
we need to worry

about the egg right now.

I think we gotta find a--
a load holder.

It's called a surrogate, honey.

Yes, and I can take care
of that for you very easy.

- You're the surrogate, yeah.

Oh, Peter, we're having a baby.

- We're having a baby.
- Mm-hmm.

- I'm so excited.
- Yeah.

So, like, would I be able
to tell her eventually?

Like,
before the end of my life?

Like, we just wait until the
most dramatic moment possible,

like I'm on my deathbed.

And I just, like,
grab her face,

and I'm like,
"I'm your mom."

So dramatic.

No, it wouldn't be a secret.
You could tell her.

Okay, so I'd be, like,
the semi-present fun dad?

I always wanted
to be the fun dad.

- Yeah.
- Though it might not be

the best time
to have a baby.

I'm kind of a caregiver already
right now

because my brother has
that really intense fetish

for deadbeat moms.

He can't f*ck'
help himself, huh?

No, and this kid's mom
is on this, like,

"spiritual journey" right now,
which is just a fancy way

of saying she's in Costa Rica
doing ayahuasca,

sh1tting her brains out
into a bucket.

- So sad.
- It's actually so tragic.

People don't know
you can do ayahuasca in Queens.

Come on,
this is about the kid.

- She's eight years old.
- Eight?

Which means she gets
why it's so f*cked up,

but she also just, like,
really needs a mom, you know?

Well, then let's--
let's, um...

Let's do something fun for her.
Uh, I don't know.

Could we take her to, like,
an amusement park or some sh*t?

She would love that so much.

Okay, cool.
Let's do it.

Wow, Pete, you're being,
like, parental right now.

It's kind of hot.

You wanna just f*ck here
and save me 80 grand?

Oh, for sure.
No, we should totally do that.

Like, should we go
to the bathroom right now?

You're a d*ck.

You want me to have
my brother's baby?

No, honey.
It's--it's not your egg.

You would just carry it,
so there's no incest.

You think I should just give
over my body for nine months

like a brood mare just
to help Pete ruin two lives?

I think having a baby
would really focus him.

Okay, it's a baby,
not a fidget spinner.

Look, I feel like our family
has been coming apart, right?

And a baby is a great way
to keep a family together.

I don't even know
what to say.

You've caught Pete's insanity.

Please.
Don't be so dramatic.

It's one baby.

Unless it's two.

Oh, my God, twins.
I'm gonna pass out.

That's too exciting.

- Hey, Poppy.

Peter,
I'm in the studio with Roy.

He's making a calendar
for Borgie for me.

Hey, Peter.
Borgie, Borgie, Borgie.

- Get me the cowboy hat.
- Now he's gonna be a cowboy.

- f*cking hilarious.
- Hilarious.

I gotta go.
You guys are nuts.

- What else is he gonna be?
- Look at the hat!

Here he comes.

Are you excited?

- Hi.
- Yo, what's up, my little G?

- You brought the crew.
- Yeah.

Well, you know,
it takes a village.

I'm being fun dad.
We can both be fun dads.

Okay.

Um, well, Anna,
this is Pete.

- Hi. I'm Pete.
- Hi, Pete.

Pete was able to get us
front-of-the-line passes today.

You have very big teeth.

Get in the car.

Ah.

Not what I had in mind.
What the f*ck?

What?
I'm trying to have fun.

- Hey, Nikki.
- Sick outfit.

You know
you can't smoke in here, right,

'cause we're with child?

We goin' to Action Land
sober?

What is this,
a church retreat?

I'm on pills, my G.

Uh, is it okay
if Crillz plays his music?

Oh, yeah,
she can't hear sh*t

in these
noise-cancelling headphones.

All right.

Let's go!

I have the perfect person
to play opposite you

as the ten-gallon hat man.

What you think
about Ethan Hawke?

This is gonna be fun, man.

This is, like,
my first time

I get to, like,
practice being a dad.

- It's pretty cool, right?
- Yeah.

- What?

Oh,
you were serious about that?

Yeah.

Okay.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

What the f*ck is he doing here?

- Pete.
- Gill.

- What's up, dude?
- What up, man?

Hey, thank you.

Thanks for giving me
another chance.

Don't worry about it, man.

Now, just so you know,

things are
a little different now.

You're on probation.

That's fine.
That makes perfect sense.

- Thank you.
- Hey, come on.

Put your phone in the bag.

- What?
- You heard him.

Put the phone
in the Yondr bag.

- Come on, guys.
- What you need your phone for?

I knew you guys
were gonna be dickheads.

None of your friends here.
Your family hates you.

- You right here.
- I hate you guys.

- I've always hated you two.
- Feeling's mutual.

You know what?
I'm done.

This n*gga's dizzy.
I'm out of here.

All right, Anna, what ride
do you wanna go on first?

You can do anything you want.

We're doing everything
you want today.

Uh, whatever you guys want.

- Thanks again for taking me.
- Whatever.

Okay, well...

Hey, how about the Fireball?

- That one's pretty wild.
- Ooh.

That one sounds scary.

How about the Whippersnapper
to get the party started?

- Whippersnapper?
- I don't know.

My G, some people think
the Whippersnapper's kinda g*y,

but it's actually one
of the best rides in the park.

Crill.

Anna.

When Crilly says
that something is g*y,

he doesn't mean it
in, like, a h*m* way.

He just means that it's, like,
the worst thing in the world.

Exactly.

- What?
- Guys.

- What?
- Let's just--let's move on.

That's how he meant it.

Jesus, Pete.
Nice parenting.

Pete, it's awesome
to see you with this kid, man.

You're gonna be
a great father someday.

I bet your dead daddy's
looking down on us right now,

proud as hell of you.
I love it.

- Thanks, man.
- No problem.

We better go catch up.

Layin' the cheese
pretty thick, don't you think?

- You little rat.
- f*ck you, dude.

Hello. Could I
please get two regulars?

- Sure.
- Thanks.

Peter, we got the dog
dressed as Sherlock Holmes.

He's got the magnifying glass
in his paw

like he's about
to solve a mystery.

Who's gonna
catch the m*rder*r?

f*ck' hilarious!

Hey.

What are you doin'
with the leaves?

How's it going?

Hey, look, I know, um...

I know you might not be seeing
your mom for a little bit, uh,

and that it must be really sad.

And I can tell you, I kind of
know what that's like.

And just so you know,
it's gonna be all right.

I mean, you know,
look how I turned out, right?

No offense, but you seem like
you have a lot of problems.

Okay.

Why don't you eat
your Dippin' Dots, all right?

My mom's
really not that great.

I kind of hated
living with her.

Tell me about it, okay?

What's that?

- It's Rodney Dangerfield.
- Who?

You don't know
Rodney Dangerfield?

Hey, we're all gonna get laid.

You remember that guy?
He's a comedian.

Who's your favorite comedian?

Addison Rae.

Jesus. f*ck.

Look, Anna,
you know, I get it.

Living with your mom
could suck, you know?

Don't you live with your mom?

Hey,
she lives with me, okay?

Look, I pay the mortgage.

All right?

I hate my life.

Hey.

Hey, look at me.
Don't say that.

Don't say
you hate your life, okay?

Life is just really tough
when you're a kid.

Nobody tells you that,
but being a kid sucks.

It's really confusing,
you know?

And you might see kids
with their parents together,

and you think they have
a happy life and everything.

And yeah, they do right now,
but you know what?

It's gonna fizzle out
after high school.

They're all gonna
do heroin in college.

But not you.
Not you.

This is your origin story.

You're a superhero.
You are a warrior.

I'm gonna call you Xena.

You are Xena
the Warrior Princess.

You'll figure it out.

So what you can't control
things right now?

That's fine. You're a kid.
You're not supposed

to be able to figure out
how to control things.

But you can control
what makes you happy,

who you have in your life.

What do you like to do?
Do you have hobbies?

Do you have any friends?
You must have tons of friends.

You don't have any friends?

Come on.
I don't buy that.

Okay, well, you have two now.
How about that?

Me and Nikki'll
be your friends.

Is that cool?
You wanna be our friend?

You wanna be part of our g*ng?

Yeah.

Yeah?
All right, my G.

Finish your ice cream and
we'll go on some rides, okay?

I saw you talking to Anna.

That was really sweet.

Yeah, she's really sweet.

And just--I feel bad, you know?

She's, like, a kid.
That sh*t sucks.

I just--I don't even know

if she's having a good time,
you know?

No, she's having
a very fun time.

You're actually, like,
surprisingly good

at this whole parent thing.

- Really?
- Yeah.

I mean, it's probably 'cause
you're so emotionally stunted,

but...

I wish a big, strong man
would win me a teddy bear.

You and me both, sweetheart.

Huh?

I said,
three ba*ls for $5,

12 for 10.

Hey, would it be possible
to just,

I don't know,
buy one of the bears?

Oh, you're one of those "how
much can I buy it for" guys.

Never earned a f*cking thing
in your life.

- What?
- The bear's worth nothing.

The victory and excitement
of winning the bear--

priceless.

These bears have been
in these rafters

for 20 years.

20.

Come on.
Don't be a p*ssy.

f*ck'...

How's a G sound, huh?

- A G sounds great.
- Let's go.

f*ck.
Now we're f*ck' talking.

- Oh, sh*t!
- Oh, my God!

- Whoo!
- f*ck!

Forgot to spray
the bottles down.

- What?
- What?

- Oh, my God.
- What the f*ck?

- What the f*ck?
- What?

Whoa! Hey, hey!

Oh, guys, I'm sorry.

I was just in the bathroom
doing some schneef.

All right.
Here we go.

Bottle down.
Three ba*ls for $5.

- All right?
- The guy...

There was another guy.

Listen, forget about that.

I can give you the bear
for $20.

How 'bout some schneef?

It's $20 for schneef.

I can put the schneef
in the bear. $40.

So what do you say?

You want
the schneef-filled bear?

Yeah.

Can I come?
both: No.

I went too far?

- A little bit, yeah.
- Yeah? All right.

- Take the f*ck' bear.
- Thanks.

f*ck off.

Thank you.

So I was thinking,
why risk it?

Why roll the dice
when I already know

the best womb
a baby could want?

Yeah.
I mean, quick question.

Does Pete know
that you're here?

I mean, we broke up
a really long time ago.

I feel like this would give him
a full panic attack.

No, he doesn't know.

But I don't think
he even realizes

how perfect this would be.

Honestly, the thought
of him wanting a baby this bad

that he would do it by himself
is kind of breaking my heart.

God, I forgot
what a sweet girl you are.

You are an angel.

You know what?
You're right.

You should not be
the surrogate.

Why not?

- You should be his wife.
- Yeah.

- I'm sold. I'm in.
- Okay.

I choose you. Aw.

- You know I have a boyfriend.
- Yeah, I know.

Well, it can't be serious.

- I don't see a ring.
- It is.

We've been together
over a year.

- Does he love you?
- Yeah.

Do you love him?

Yeah.
I mean, it's serious.

We have a dog together.

Would he leave you
for $10,000?

- What?
- I'm just saying.

You don't want to throw away
an opportunity like this

if he would be willing
to dump you for 15 grand.

He wouldn't.
He wouldn't.

I don't know.
Let's find out.

What does he want more:
you or $25,000?

Okay.

What's the number?

Hey.

What's up, guys?
Where's Anna?

I thought she was with you.

- You guys were watching her.
- Oh, sh*t.

Wh--I don't--
I don't see her anywhere.

Guys, this is, like, the worst
possible thing we can do.

We lost her?

- Anna! Anna!
- Anna!

Okay, okay,
don't freak out and

- make this about you, please.
- What do you mean?

She's probably
around here somewhere.

No, she's not.
f*ck, this is so bad!

Anna! Anna!

- Anna!
- Anna!

Anna, get out here!

Where you at, my little G?

- Anna! Anna!
- My G, where you at?

She's not answering.
Anna?

See,
this is why I need my phone.

You guys took it. Psychos.

No, man. No.

You wouldn't find that kid
with your phone.

I find kids all the time
with my phone, Derek.

- Wow.
- That's dark.

I understand
what's going on here.

There's a white girl
gone missing in this park.

I'm getting
the f*ck out of here.

You f*cking as*h*le.

I'm keeping the dog,
you piece of sh*t.

Oh, honey.

It's better you find out now.

I mean, it's not true love
if he's willing

to throw it all away
for 50 Gs.

You're a terrible person.

Oh, I see, your boyfriend
leaves you for cash,

and I'm the monster.

Amy, you have all this energy
and drive right now.

It's going
into a really dark place.

You know how they say put the
oxygen mask on yourself first?

You act like you've gone
a really long time

with no oxygen.

You ruined this cake for me.

And it was my favorite cake.

Anna? Anna!

We have him dressed
as a banker now.

He's the "woof"
of Wall Street.

- The wolf.
- f*ck' hilarious!

- What are you doing?
- Oh.

We have to keep looking.
Come on.

Should be a spooky
waste of time. Let's go.

Yeah, maybe the little G
went in here.

All right.

- Aah! I f*ck' hate this!

Argh!

- Good night.

Time to go to work.

Sweet dreams.

Are any of these your kid?

Get me outta here.

Yo, you really f*cked
that wolf man up, dude.

You got a solid right.

We're not close like that.

Pete forgives
because he's an open soul,

but it's my job
to protect him from anything.

You betrayed us.

What, you guys never used
Pete to try to get something?

Pete's aura is
a delicate ecosystem.

It's an ecosystem that
supports the life of all of us.

And you f*cked
with that ecosystem.

You're an existential threat.

I've seen guys
like you before.

In and out in six months.

Free weed.
Supreme hoodies.

Enjoy it while it lasts,
'cause at the end of the day,

- the couch is mine.
- Hey!

- What the f*ck is your problem?
- Oh, sh*t, Crilly, look out!

- Oh, sh*t.

Knocked the dust
out that zombie.

Matter of fact,
run his pockets.

- And you...
- Huh?

- You're back in.
- Huh.

- You're my G for life, bro.
- Did you see that?

Come here.

But if you ever
cross Pete again,

you're f*ck' dead.

You ever cross Pete,
you're dead.

- Yeah, boy.
- Yeah.

Come here.

- Let's go get some popcorn.
- Yeah.

- Anna!
- Anna!

Anna!

Oh, my God.
There she is.

Anna!

- Where have you been?
- I got hungry.

Where did you go?
I was so worried about you.

You can never
do that again, okay?

Do you know what could
have happened to you?

- Have you seen "SVU"?
- No.

Hey, my G.

Oh, you three show up
just when the problem's solved.

- Awesome.
- Pete, you found the kid?

Incredible, dude.
You're a legend.

- Thanks, man.
- Hey, can we go home now?

I mean, we found
the little white girl,

so we should probably
leave the casino

while we're still up.

No, we can't go yet

'cause Anna hasn't
been on any rides.

I mean, this day's
all about you, right?

We gotta take you on a ride.
What's your favorite ride?

Princess Coaster.

But it's closed.

Okay, well, how about we go
on my favorite ride?

Turbulence.

- Is it scary?
- No.

Not at all.
Not for you.

- I might go on it.
- Good.

I think you should go on it.
You know why?

'Cause remember
when we were talking earlier

and you weren't feeling so hot

and I said that
you're a strong superhero

and you're a super warrior?

When you go on a ride like this
that you're afraid of,

when you go on, you're gonna
feel so good about yourself.

- Promise?
- I promise.

Ready?

I don't know.

What was your favorite ride?

Princess Coaster.

f*ck the Princess Coaster.

Let's go!

Whoo! Whoo!

We're really high up!

Not for long!

Let's go!

- Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

- We're gonna die!
- Yeah, we are!

Wasn't that great?

Wasn't that so much fun? Huh?

Why would you force me
to do that?

Whoa. Hey, I didn't force you
to do anything, okay?

You said I'd like it,
and I didn't!

I didn't like it!
I hated it!

- Yo, is that Pete Davidson?
- I miss my mom! I miss my mom!

I'm sorry.
I was just trying to help you.

What happened?
Are you okay? What's wrong?

I don't know.
She's freaking out.

- Calm down. Calm down.
- You're horrible!

He's not horrible.
He's great.

You said if things are g*y,

they're the worst things
in the world!

Oh, come on.
You knew what I meant.

I heard everything you said
in the car.

Everything!

You said that you lied
about liking "Black Panther."

He never even saw it!

- What?
- What?

You shut your mouth.

Guys, she's just a kid.

I mean, I s--
I saw "Black Panther."

Multiple times, right?

"Wakander" forever.

There's no hard "R"
in "Wakanda,"

you f*cking r*cist.

What's with this guy?

I told you
to watch that movie.

So now,
we out here f*cked up.

The girl from "Ring" is out
here tryna get you cancelled,

and Kenny Rogers
from the f*ck' future

thinks
he's a g*dd*mn journalist.

Go ahead.
Put the camera down.

Hey, Davidson.

I got a "Weekend Update"
for you.

You suck.

Right? Come on.

And your special was so-so.

There's nothin' worse
than a Wakanda denier.

Hey, I'm sorry I--

I let you down today.

You know,
it was my first day as a dad,

and I f*cked up, you know?

Okay, let's slow down.
You weren't a dad.

You were a co-babysitter
for, like, eight hours.

I was kind of a dad, right?

Okay, this is crazy.

Can we stop acting
like you're gonna have,

like, a kid tomorrow?

Why?
Why is that so crazy?

Everybody's saying that to me.

They're saying,
"Oh, you can't do..."

Why? Why?
I love very strong.

I would take really good care
of a kid.

Am I that crazy to think that
I could take care of something

and love something and--

No. No, I...

I think you're gonna
be a really great,

not-high-all-the-time dad.

Someday.

- I see it.
- Thanks.

I can't do this again.

- What?
- I can't do this again.

If you wanna be friends
with me,

I will be
your best f*cking friend.

But can you just
please stop confusing me?

'Cause it's mean and it hurts.

Hey, Mom.

I'm--I'm f*ck' starving.

Do you have food left over?

Go take a look.
I'm watching "Grey's."

Well, can I join?

You're a grown man.
Do what you want.

All right.
Catch me up.

Meredith might have found out

that McDreamy
was cheating on her in D.C.,

but it's questionable.

What a douchebag.

I mean, doesn't he know
that she's the sun?

Hey, after this, do you
wanna watch "Black Panther"?

- No.
- Okay.